Footnotes for Book II
Will be updated as the chapters arrive. (Not dead yet! "One chapter every four months" seems to be the current holding pattern.)
Book II: The Tie Goes South
11. Many Midwest Meetings Midtacular
he opened his eyes to see a room full of strangely broken columns, its walls striped and all of it strangely aglow - a fair description of the set from the 2006 Midwest Midterm Midtacular.
Rivendell State University, venerable old house of learning and home of the Buckeyes - Ohio State University, setting of the aforementioned Midtacular. (Rivendell)
October the thirtieth - first broadcast date of said Midtacular.
even all Nine Riders together couldn't beat her Army of Love - Colbert: "[Oprah] could rule the world with her Army of Love!" (Oprohnd is of course Oprah Winfrey.) (Elrond)
Long had he been with his kin in Hollywood, and he was but lately returned to the place where he had grown up - though Clooney is a Hollywood celebrity, he grew up in Ohio.
"I can't stop staring at his ears. One's pointy, and the other's not. He looks like half an elf." - one of the confessions called in to Colbert's 1-800-OOPS-JEW during Rosh Hashana in 2006.
John Belúshin, one of the thirteen companions - John Belushi (Glóin). All of the thirteen dwarves here are old-school Saturday Night Live alumni.
Ben the Writer who slew the dragon Smug and saved the people from being caught in his crossfire for ever - Ben Karlin (Bard the Bowman), who, while he was not on screen during Stewart's well-known appearance on Crossfire before its cancellation, accompanied him and discussed it beforehand. Smug, the only dragon ever to wear a bow tie, is Tucker Carlson (Smaug).
the son of Knut - Knut is a polar bear cub over which Colbert, to his own embarrassment, gets all melty. (Beorn)
the elves of Hollywood tend to consider his kind a number one threat - Colbert's perennial Threat Number One: Bears!
Kilbornomir, son of the Steward of Newyork and Captain-General in the Army of the White Tower - Craig Kilborn, original host of The Daily Show, replaced by Stewart. (Boromir, son of the Steward of Gondor)
"I said 'Is this a dream?'"... - the scene remembered is from Stewart's bit with Clooney in the opening sketch to the 2006 Oscars.
your hundreds of clubs and your gay acorns and what have you - a segment during the Midtacular involved members of several of OSU's hundreds of clubs; Stewart repeatedly referred to the students not as "buckeyes" but as "gay acorns".
a small golden male figure on a jet-black pedestal, arms clasped over its chest, gripping the hilt of a sword - an Academy Award of Merit (the Oscar statuette). Clooney has one for Best Supporting Actor for his role in Syriana.
dúde-adan, Guy of the East, Jeúmenorean - Stewart refers to himself as "just a regular guy", and is of course Jewish. In this pre-Judeo-Christian world, when Jonagorn is referred to as "Jewy", it's short for Jeúmenorean. (Númenorean)
a vast golden plain, with a range of mountains looming purple in the distance - purple mountains' majesty, and you can bet that plain is either amber or fruited or both.
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12. The Council of Oprohnd
We have lots of Jeúmenorian friends - Colbert's recurring reference to Stewart as his "Jewish friend."
Lord of the White House and Resident Expert of Columbidor - he is in fact the Steward of the White House, which is the capital of Columbidor (Washington DC/Minas Tirith). The Resident Expert label is that of John Hodgman (Denethor).
seeking answers to five questions - Kilborn's signature closing for an interview was the Five Questions segment, usually composed of silly questions with sillier answers. He used this on The Daily Show and took the segment with him to The Late Late Show; on his first four days as host Stewart phased it out, doing "Four Questions" on Monday and working his way down to "One Question" on Thursday.
if it weren't for your horse, you wouldn't have spent that year in college - a line which Black overheard, and has described during standup routines as the stupidest sentence ever.
You may be the Stewards of Columbidor, but he is the Stewart of Columbidor - this is a completely gratuitous pun on Stewart's last name which makes no sense within the context of the story.
The pay isn't good, but they can sleep at night - cf Carlson and Stewart on Crossfire: "How do [the people] pay?" "Not good. But you can sleep at night."
The elves of RSU all drew in their breaths and shifted in their comfortable chairs -- OSU students have a traditional rivalry with the University of Michigan, whose sports team is the Wolverines.
"I wouldn't mind losing to a wolverine," he remarked. "They've got claws for hands." -- Adapted from Colbert's line during the '06 Emmys after losing to Barry Manilow and not Hugh Jackson: "Wolverine I could have lost to. He's got claws for hands!"
Orleansengard - New Orleans. (Isengard)
a love of music and making jokes....Vance - musician, comedian, and former TDS correspondent Vance DeGeneres. (Gollum)
Ellen, sharper-eyed but with a shorter attention span - Vance's sister Ellen DeGeneres, here behaving much like Dory, the easily-distracted fish which she voiced in Finding Nemo. (Deagol)
inspid phrases like 'Well, golly, I don't recall' - alluding to both the affected folksiness of former SecDef Donald Rumsfeld and the rotten memory of former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.
"I can't believe Golly was ever anything like Mo," - DeGeneres and Rocca were co-correspondents on TDS.
Sau'reilly the Lily-White is the most powerful of my order - Bill O'Reilly is rated the most influential male on television. (Oprah is the most influential woman.) (Saruman)
he does not share power. Or information. Or anything at all - the most secretive Administration in history, and the one that claims supremacy over all other branches of government.
Salmon is the favorite fish of Stephen Junior the Windlord - when Stephen Jr. (Gwaihir), the eagle named after Colbert, flew to Canada, Colbert urged residents of Washington to stand on the Canadian border and wave salmon to coax him home.
I escaped with my life, but nothing else -- not even a microwave - when Colbert was interviewed on The O'Reilly Factor, he stole their microwave.
"The Dwarves!" / "The Elves!" / "The Dwaaaaaaaaaaarves!" - this recalls the typical opening pattern of Colbert and Carell's recurring TDS segment "Even Stepvhen".
"Stevli, you ignorant slut" - adapted from a catchphrase used by Aykroyd towards co-host Jane Curtin on SNL's Weekend Update (fake news) feature Point-Counterpoint, the spiritual predecessor of Even Stepvhen.
"Bite my shiny metal axe!" - okay, this is actually a Futurama reference. It's an adaption of one of Bender's catchphrases.
"Shut your dirty little mouth!" - an oft-quoted line of Colbert's character on Strangers with Candy.
shame them into shouting less - the only goal that Colbert will admit to pursuing with the Report ("them" being the mainstream media).
"Everybody gets a quest!!!" - adapted from her exclamation during a fall 2004 publicity stunt by Pontiac on The Oprah Winfrey Show: "Everybody gets a car!!!"
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13. The Tie Goes South
on its blade was traced a device of seven suns and seven moons with four of them shining the most brightly - TDS and TCR run four days a week.
Aurcrist, the Daily Sword - genuine Sindarin: aur "day, sunlight, morning" + crist "cleaver, sword". Obvious reference to The Daily Show.
Stepholas ... refused to enter the library with the insistence that its keepers were hiding something - the phrase that Colbert encouraged viewers to embed in Wikipedia during his interview with Jimmy Wales: "Librarians are hiding something."
the Horseshoe watching elvish sports, or in the Oval - sites on the OSU campus.
splendiferous zeppelin escapades of William H. Meren and Felúthien Huffman - a faux film that Colbert makes reference to. Wikiality has more.
dwarf-mail -- mirthril - as the dwarves are all based on comedians, it makes sense that they would use humor as a defense.
Well, Stepholas, unlike some people I could mention, I am not a big fan of people deserting! - adapted from an Even Stepvhen regarding stem cells ("...of people dying!").
Sam thought they were a kind of hawk - "hawks" in the political sense are people who push for war (versus "doves", who push for peace).
"What? Jonagorn!" cried Stepholas, horrified. "If we turn around just because of a little snow, Blue Ridge wins!" - cf. the Stewart-Colbert presentation at the 2007 Emmys: "What? Jon! If entertainers stop publicly congratulating themselves, the Earth wins!"
all but Jonagorn, who, as far as Jason could tell, had not slept at all - Stewart is a noted insomniac.
"Looks like about a furlong," agreed Jonagorn - furlongs are the unit actually referenced in the original, but you could take this as an allusion to Stewart's character in The Faculty, Edward Furlong.
if you want swimming done, choose a leatherback turtle - such as Colbert's adopted daughter, Stephanie Colburtle.
let me issue a rare correction - the tagline used on the Report during those few times when Colbert acknowledges a mistake.
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14. Studio Moria in the Sunset Mount
Studio Moria in the Sunset Mount - pun on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, a short-lived Aaron Sorkin series about an SNL-type sketch comedy series of the same name, starring Nate Corddry. Studio Moria has a similar quick downfall.
It's also a Studio, and an Office - sidelong reference to Carell's role on The Office.
Of old the Dwarves would broadcast from such places comedic sketches both great and terrible. Sadly, their glory days are widely thought to be over - SNL.
I'll get my cousin Pete to cook - Produce Pete, host of a regular Daily Show cooking segment, played by Carell.
This race thing, we're not going to settle it tonight, and we could really use cooperation within the Fellowship. So if you could just try to find some common ground... cf. the 2003.05.39 Even Stepvhen, in which a similar debate is held over religion.
Michaelsin, Lorne ... of Moria - Lorne Michaels, creator of SNL. (Durin)
Ami! Compadre! Amico! Tomodachi! End-fray! - French, Spanish, Italian, Japanese, and Pig Latin.
Frenemy - the wørd for 2007.02.13.
I don't actually see race. People tell me I'm an elf, and I believe them, because I can work this haircut. - Colbert commonly claims that he doesn't see race, but believes he is white for a variety of reasons (e.g. "my country club lets me in").
'and that's the wørd' - the inevitable conclusion to The Wørd.
Wikiality, Expecting, Superegomaniac, Sigh, I Am The Great And Powerful Oz, Monkey Butter - a collection of popular Wørds from 2006 (July 31, November 14, May 9, November 8, March 22, June 29).
The wørd, the Word of the Year, the wørd that started it all, that would be -- truthiness - The first Wørd, from October 17, 2005; subsequently Dictionary.com's Word of the Year.
Up from the depths rose something brown and sinuous, erupting with tentacles and tendrils - see it in action in The Faculty, one of Stewart's better terrible movies. Specifically, this clip has it dragging a character into a pool, beginning around 7:44.
"I'm not -- the hobbit -- for the job!" - a stab in the eye is what killed the alien in The Faculty. The character who delivered it was played by Elijah Wood, probably best known for playing Frodo. One imagines that he is the hobbit for the job.
Guaranteed to jack you up - Wood's character's line on stabbing the creature from The Faculty in the same location; see this clip, beginning around 4:00.
"Lucky guess?" suggested Jonagorn, putting a hand gingerly to his own eye as if realizing just how much he appreciated having it - Stewart's character in The Faculty loses his left eye too.
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15. A Journey in the Really Freakin' Dark
Stevli and Jonagorn, both of whom had visited that place in recent memory - both Carell and Stewart have hosted SNL: Carell on October 1, 2005, and Stewart on March 9, 2002.
talk about their horses and college doesn't mean we should just go around killing them. Even if they did put me off my pancakes... - again, that line from Black's standup, heard in an IHOP.
It is not my fault that Oprohnd found out about - judging by the Even Stepvhens, there was probably pot involved.
when you're laughing you can't be afraid - this is actually a Colbert quote (out-of-character).
Lorne Michaelsin, Head Writer of Studio Moria - Lorne Michaels, creator of SNL.
"What's everybody looking at?" - catchphrase of Ace, the half of the Ambiguously Gay Duo voiced by Colbert, when spotted in an ambiguously gay situation with Gary, the half voiced by Carell. "Nothing!" is the standard response.
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16. Red, White, and Doomed
Red, White, and Doomed - from Black's standup special Red, White, and Screwed.
"Is that code for something?" - from a standard Colbert line when talking to gay rights activists: "People tell me I'm bookish, but I think that's code."
"They make a living wandering in the wilderness, cut off from civilization, ignoring the troubles of others. That's their life. They exist in a small little place where they count for nothing." - adapted from the words of Geraldo Rivera in a lovely example of offline trolling. (Jonagorn's response is Stewart's.)
A Falrog - after the late Rev. Jerry Falwell (a Balrog).
GODLESS SODOMITES - Colbert's form of addressing the audience at the 2006 Emmy awards, later used by Falwell's fellow fundamentalist televangelist Pat Robertson in reference to Stewart and Colbert. (The fandom was highly amused.)
"YOU, THE PAGANS, AND THE ABORTIONISTS, AND THE FEMINISTS, AND THE GAYS, AND THE STRANGERS WITH YOUR ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES, AND ALL THE PEPOLE TRYING TO SECULARIZE MIDDLE-AMERICA," continued the Falrog, "I POINT THE FINGER IN YOUR FACE AND SAY--" - adapted from an infamous Falwell quote.
"AND THEY START FUCKING EACH OTHER IN THE ASS!" shouted Lewis. "And another Middle-american family is destroyed! - Black, from Red, White, and Screwed.
"'Feminists'?" he repeated incredulously. "You really think it was feminists? That women, a number of years ago, decided to leave the kitchen, and enter the workplace, and demand equal wages, and now there's no stew in the oven and the spice rack is in disarray and that's why Middle-america is under attack? That's odd, because I thought it was because of people like Falrogs!" - adapted from Black's response to the original Falwell line, from Comedy Central Presents.
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17. Chicagórien
a balloon drop and a big flashing sign saying I SAVED MIDDLE-AMERICA! - cf. Colbert's balloon drops with flashing text such as I DID IT!, I ABSTAINED!, I FIXED CANADA!
Reality has a well-known anti-us bias - cf. "...well-known liberal bias."
Second Forest in Chicagórien - Second City in Chicago, the improv comedy troupe which spawned Colbert, Carell, Dinello, Sedaris, and others.
"Studio Moria's funnier," countered Stevli. "Well, it was. In its heyday." - SNL (which Studio 60 parodies) is often said to have been funnier in days gone by. Studio Moria was probably funnier before everybody died.
"I would never be your understudy!" - Colbert did in fact understudy for Carell.
J-squared - Jason Jones (doesn't translate perfectly when he's Jason Baggins, but oh well).
"Only a fool or an egomaniac would kill a rabbit this close to Second Forest." - Sedaris is famously a rabbit-lover.
This is a tremendous place - "tremendous" is one of Stewart's favorite compliments to give.
"In that case, we'll just have to improvise." - because Second City is an improv troupe . . . eh? ehhhh?
Hollimandir - Greg Holliman, Second City alumn along with Colbert, Dinello, and Sedaris; worked with them on Strangers With Candy as Principal Blackman.
They're much quicker on their feet than we are. - more improv jokes.
"Torture? Not at all! Blindfold away!" - Colbert once offered to be blindfolded and waterboarded, to demonstrate that waterboarding was not torture. (He didn't handle it very well.)
"Barely literate thug."..."Pretentious asshole." - It is well-documented that Colbert (the real one, anyway) and Dinello hated each other on first meeting. (They got over it.)
"Faggots," she pronounced affectionately - used as a term of endearment for the two on Sedaris' part, as well as in-character in SWC.
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18. The Muffins of Sedariel
a harsh and grating croak, her fair features contorting into a similarly wretched parody of themselves - the Jerri voice! (SWC references will abound.)
If he's not here, I can't make my honey pie. - refrain from the Exit 57 sketch known as "Honey Pie."
"I grieve, but I do not despair." - from The First Post-9/11 Episode.
"You can still reach for the stars -- as long as you reach for the lowest ones you can." - adapted from a Jerri line.
Unless, of course, one of you is a snitch - the crux of Jerri's dilemma in "Who Wants Cake?"
"...who wants cake?" - ditto.
home-ometer - the Homometer!
Will you serve it covered in sprinkles? - see the promotional books for Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence.
I was a forty-year-old virgin and the Lady Sedariel was a fortysomething ex-whore - Carell's character in The 40-Year-Old Virgin meets Jerri. Now there's a match made in . . . somewhere.
"Befriending each other." - more SWC: this is Chuck's euphemism for "having sex" (with Geoffrey), used in "Hit and Run."
"Your voice is like a Warg picking at my brain!" - used in SWC (in "To Love, Honor, and Pretend"), and later on TDS, during an Even Stepvhen.
She was clad all in white, though her skirt billowed out from the many layers of pink tulle crowded beneath it - Sedaris wore this dress on Letterman one time, although I can't for the life of me find the clip.
carved with the figures of rabbits - fitting, as these are Dusty's Cupcakes. (Dusty being one of Sedaris' rabbits.)
muffins - an innuendo-based tradition, kin to cupcakes.
the glint - drug of choice in SWC, once referenced by Colbert on TCR, to the delight of his fans.
some sort of gigantic mallet - see the opening of The Root of All Evil.
They've blown up a dam in the Shire! - see Wigfield. Ditto the "parade" solution.
she had taken it into her head to change herself into a large, pink dragon wearing a three-piece suit and a straw boater - shoutout to Bored of the Rings. As is the peanut brittle. And the cockroaches.
Everything you're seeing is as real as the beast with a hundred eyes. - see the SWC movie.
Dustya, the Tie of Rabbitant - named for the aforementioned Dusty. (Nenya, the Ring of Adamant)
I never wanted to be an important actor on the world stage. - Sedaris has a tendency to downplay labels applied to her ("actress", "comedian", and so forth).
I'm a user myself - and a boozer, and a loser . . .
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19. (title TBD)
Coming eventually . . .
Book II: The Tie Goes South
11. Many Midwest Meetings Midtacular
he opened his eyes to see a room full of strangely broken columns, its walls striped and all of it strangely aglow - a fair description of the set from the 2006 Midwest Midterm Midtacular.
Rivendell State University, venerable old house of learning and home of the Buckeyes - Ohio State University, setting of the aforementioned Midtacular. (Rivendell)
October the thirtieth - first broadcast date of said Midtacular.
even all Nine Riders together couldn't beat her Army of Love - Colbert: "[Oprah] could rule the world with her Army of Love!" (Oprohnd is of course Oprah Winfrey.) (Elrond)
Long had he been with his kin in Hollywood, and he was but lately returned to the place where he had grown up - though Clooney is a Hollywood celebrity, he grew up in Ohio.
"I can't stop staring at his ears. One's pointy, and the other's not. He looks like half an elf." - one of the confessions called in to Colbert's 1-800-OOPS-JEW during Rosh Hashana in 2006.
John Belúshin, one of the thirteen companions - John Belushi (Glóin). All of the thirteen dwarves here are old-school Saturday Night Live alumni.
Ben the Writer who slew the dragon Smug and saved the people from being caught in his crossfire for ever - Ben Karlin (Bard the Bowman), who, while he was not on screen during Stewart's well-known appearance on Crossfire before its cancellation, accompanied him and discussed it beforehand. Smug, the only dragon ever to wear a bow tie, is Tucker Carlson (Smaug).
the son of Knut - Knut is a polar bear cub over which Colbert, to his own embarrassment, gets all melty. (Beorn)
the elves of Hollywood tend to consider his kind a number one threat - Colbert's perennial Threat Number One: Bears!
Kilbornomir, son of the Steward of Newyork and Captain-General in the Army of the White Tower - Craig Kilborn, original host of The Daily Show, replaced by Stewart. (Boromir, son of the Steward of Gondor)
"I said 'Is this a dream?'"... - the scene remembered is from Stewart's bit with Clooney in the opening sketch to the 2006 Oscars.
your hundreds of clubs and your gay acorns and what have you - a segment during the Midtacular involved members of several of OSU's hundreds of clubs; Stewart repeatedly referred to the students not as "buckeyes" but as "gay acorns".
a small golden male figure on a jet-black pedestal, arms clasped over its chest, gripping the hilt of a sword - an Academy Award of Merit (the Oscar statuette). Clooney has one for Best Supporting Actor for his role in Syriana.
dúde-adan, Guy of the East, Jeúmenorean - Stewart refers to himself as "just a regular guy", and is of course Jewish. In this pre-Judeo-Christian world, when Jonagorn is referred to as "Jewy", it's short for Jeúmenorean. (Númenorean)
a vast golden plain, with a range of mountains looming purple in the distance - purple mountains' majesty, and you can bet that plain is either amber or fruited or both.
♦
12. The Council of Oprohnd
We have lots of Jeúmenorian friends - Colbert's recurring reference to Stewart as his "Jewish friend."
Lord of the White House and Resident Expert of Columbidor - he is in fact the Steward of the White House, which is the capital of Columbidor (Washington DC/Minas Tirith). The Resident Expert label is that of John Hodgman (Denethor).
seeking answers to five questions - Kilborn's signature closing for an interview was the Five Questions segment, usually composed of silly questions with sillier answers. He used this on The Daily Show and took the segment with him to The Late Late Show; on his first four days as host Stewart phased it out, doing "Four Questions" on Monday and working his way down to "One Question" on Thursday.
if it weren't for your horse, you wouldn't have spent that year in college - a line which Black overheard, and has described during standup routines as the stupidest sentence ever.
You may be the Stewards of Columbidor, but he is the Stewart of Columbidor - this is a completely gratuitous pun on Stewart's last name which makes no sense within the context of the story.
The pay isn't good, but they can sleep at night - cf Carlson and Stewart on Crossfire: "How do [the people] pay?" "Not good. But you can sleep at night."
The elves of RSU all drew in their breaths and shifted in their comfortable chairs -- OSU students have a traditional rivalry with the University of Michigan, whose sports team is the Wolverines.
"I wouldn't mind losing to a wolverine," he remarked. "They've got claws for hands." -- Adapted from Colbert's line during the '06 Emmys after losing to Barry Manilow and not Hugh Jackson: "Wolverine I could have lost to. He's got claws for hands!"
Orleansengard - New Orleans. (Isengard)
a love of music and making jokes....Vance - musician, comedian, and former TDS correspondent Vance DeGeneres. (Gollum)
Ellen, sharper-eyed but with a shorter attention span - Vance's sister Ellen DeGeneres, here behaving much like Dory, the easily-distracted fish which she voiced in Finding Nemo. (Deagol)
inspid phrases like 'Well, golly, I don't recall' - alluding to both the affected folksiness of former SecDef Donald Rumsfeld and the rotten memory of former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales.
"I can't believe Golly was ever anything like Mo," - DeGeneres and Rocca were co-correspondents on TDS.
Sau'reilly the Lily-White is the most powerful of my order - Bill O'Reilly is rated the most influential male on television. (Oprah is the most influential woman.) (Saruman)
he does not share power. Or information. Or anything at all - the most secretive Administration in history, and the one that claims supremacy over all other branches of government.
Salmon is the favorite fish of Stephen Junior the Windlord - when Stephen Jr. (Gwaihir), the eagle named after Colbert, flew to Canada, Colbert urged residents of Washington to stand on the Canadian border and wave salmon to coax him home.
I escaped with my life, but nothing else -- not even a microwave - when Colbert was interviewed on The O'Reilly Factor, he stole their microwave.
"The Dwarves!" / "The Elves!" / "The Dwaaaaaaaaaaarves!" - this recalls the typical opening pattern of Colbert and Carell's recurring TDS segment "Even Stepvhen".
"Stevli, you ignorant slut" - adapted from a catchphrase used by Aykroyd towards co-host Jane Curtin on SNL's Weekend Update (fake news) feature Point-Counterpoint, the spiritual predecessor of Even Stepvhen.
"Bite my shiny metal axe!" - okay, this is actually a Futurama reference. It's an adaption of one of Bender's catchphrases.
"Shut your dirty little mouth!" - an oft-quoted line of Colbert's character on Strangers with Candy.
shame them into shouting less - the only goal that Colbert will admit to pursuing with the Report ("them" being the mainstream media).
"Everybody gets a quest!!!" - adapted from her exclamation during a fall 2004 publicity stunt by Pontiac on The Oprah Winfrey Show: "Everybody gets a car!!!"
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13. The Tie Goes South
on its blade was traced a device of seven suns and seven moons with four of them shining the most brightly - TDS and TCR run four days a week.
Aurcrist, the Daily Sword - genuine Sindarin: aur "day, sunlight, morning" + crist "cleaver, sword". Obvious reference to The Daily Show.
Stepholas ... refused to enter the library with the insistence that its keepers were hiding something - the phrase that Colbert encouraged viewers to embed in Wikipedia during his interview with Jimmy Wales: "Librarians are hiding something."
the Horseshoe watching elvish sports, or in the Oval - sites on the OSU campus.
splendiferous zeppelin escapades of William H. Meren and Felúthien Huffman - a faux film that Colbert makes reference to. Wikiality has more.
dwarf-mail -- mirthril - as the dwarves are all based on comedians, it makes sense that they would use humor as a defense.
Well, Stepholas, unlike some people I could mention, I am not a big fan of people deserting! - adapted from an Even Stepvhen regarding stem cells ("...of people dying!").
Sam thought they were a kind of hawk - "hawks" in the political sense are people who push for war (versus "doves", who push for peace).
"What? Jonagorn!" cried Stepholas, horrified. "If we turn around just because of a little snow, Blue Ridge wins!" - cf. the Stewart-Colbert presentation at the 2007 Emmys: "What? Jon! If entertainers stop publicly congratulating themselves, the Earth wins!"
all but Jonagorn, who, as far as Jason could tell, had not slept at all - Stewart is a noted insomniac.
"Looks like about a furlong," agreed Jonagorn - furlongs are the unit actually referenced in the original, but you could take this as an allusion to Stewart's character in The Faculty, Edward Furlong.
if you want swimming done, choose a leatherback turtle - such as Colbert's adopted daughter, Stephanie Colburtle.
let me issue a rare correction - the tagline used on the Report during those few times when Colbert acknowledges a mistake.
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14. Studio Moria in the Sunset Mount
Studio Moria in the Sunset Mount - pun on Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip, a short-lived Aaron Sorkin series about an SNL-type sketch comedy series of the same name, starring Nate Corddry. Studio Moria has a similar quick downfall.
It's also a Studio, and an Office - sidelong reference to Carell's role on The Office.
Of old the Dwarves would broadcast from such places comedic sketches both great and terrible. Sadly, their glory days are widely thought to be over - SNL.
I'll get my cousin Pete to cook - Produce Pete, host of a regular Daily Show cooking segment, played by Carell.
This race thing, we're not going to settle it tonight, and we could really use cooperation within the Fellowship. So if you could just try to find some common ground... cf. the 2003.05.39 Even Stepvhen, in which a similar debate is held over religion.
Michaelsin, Lorne ... of Moria - Lorne Michaels, creator of SNL. (Durin)
Ami! Compadre! Amico! Tomodachi! End-fray! - French, Spanish, Italian, Japanese, and Pig Latin.
Frenemy - the wørd for 2007.02.13.
I don't actually see race. People tell me I'm an elf, and I believe them, because I can work this haircut. - Colbert commonly claims that he doesn't see race, but believes he is white for a variety of reasons (e.g. "my country club lets me in").
'and that's the wørd' - the inevitable conclusion to The Wørd.
Wikiality, Expecting, Superegomaniac, Sigh, I Am The Great And Powerful Oz, Monkey Butter - a collection of popular Wørds from 2006 (July 31, November 14, May 9, November 8, March 22, June 29).
The wørd, the Word of the Year, the wørd that started it all, that would be -- truthiness - The first Wørd, from October 17, 2005; subsequently Dictionary.com's Word of the Year.
Up from the depths rose something brown and sinuous, erupting with tentacles and tendrils - see it in action in The Faculty, one of Stewart's better terrible movies. Specifically, this clip has it dragging a character into a pool, beginning around 7:44.
"I'm not -- the hobbit -- for the job!" - a stab in the eye is what killed the alien in The Faculty. The character who delivered it was played by Elijah Wood, probably best known for playing Frodo. One imagines that he is the hobbit for the job.
Guaranteed to jack you up - Wood's character's line on stabbing the creature from The Faculty in the same location; see this clip, beginning around 4:00.
"Lucky guess?" suggested Jonagorn, putting a hand gingerly to his own eye as if realizing just how much he appreciated having it - Stewart's character in The Faculty loses his left eye too.
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15. A Journey in the Really Freakin' Dark
Stevli and Jonagorn, both of whom had visited that place in recent memory - both Carell and Stewart have hosted SNL: Carell on October 1, 2005, and Stewart on March 9, 2002.
talk about their horses and college doesn't mean we should just go around killing them. Even if they did put me off my pancakes... - again, that line from Black's standup, heard in an IHOP.
It is not my fault that Oprohnd found out about - judging by the Even Stepvhens, there was probably pot involved.
when you're laughing you can't be afraid - this is actually a Colbert quote (out-of-character).
Lorne Michaelsin, Head Writer of Studio Moria - Lorne Michaels, creator of SNL.
"What's everybody looking at?" - catchphrase of Ace, the half of the Ambiguously Gay Duo voiced by Colbert, when spotted in an ambiguously gay situation with Gary, the half voiced by Carell. "Nothing!" is the standard response.
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16. Red, White, and Doomed
Red, White, and Doomed - from Black's standup special Red, White, and Screwed.
"Is that code for something?" - from a standard Colbert line when talking to gay rights activists: "People tell me I'm bookish, but I think that's code."
"They make a living wandering in the wilderness, cut off from civilization, ignoring the troubles of others. That's their life. They exist in a small little place where they count for nothing." - adapted from the words of Geraldo Rivera in a lovely example of offline trolling. (Jonagorn's response is Stewart's.)
A Falrog - after the late Rev. Jerry Falwell (a Balrog).
GODLESS SODOMITES - Colbert's form of addressing the audience at the 2006 Emmy awards, later used by Falwell's fellow fundamentalist televangelist Pat Robertson in reference to Stewart and Colbert. (The fandom was highly amused.)
"YOU, THE PAGANS, AND THE ABORTIONISTS, AND THE FEMINISTS, AND THE GAYS, AND THE STRANGERS WITH YOUR ALTERNATIVE LIFESTYLES, AND ALL THE PEPOLE TRYING TO SECULARIZE MIDDLE-AMERICA," continued the Falrog, "I POINT THE FINGER IN YOUR FACE AND SAY--" - adapted from an infamous Falwell quote.
"AND THEY START FUCKING EACH OTHER IN THE ASS!" shouted Lewis. "And another Middle-american family is destroyed! - Black, from Red, White, and Screwed.
"'Feminists'?" he repeated incredulously. "You really think it was feminists? That women, a number of years ago, decided to leave the kitchen, and enter the workplace, and demand equal wages, and now there's no stew in the oven and the spice rack is in disarray and that's why Middle-america is under attack? That's odd, because I thought it was because of people like Falrogs!" - adapted from Black's response to the original Falwell line, from Comedy Central Presents.
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17. Chicagórien
a balloon drop and a big flashing sign saying I SAVED MIDDLE-AMERICA! - cf. Colbert's balloon drops with flashing text such as I DID IT!, I ABSTAINED!, I FIXED CANADA!
Reality has a well-known anti-us bias - cf. "...well-known liberal bias."
Second Forest in Chicagórien - Second City in Chicago, the improv comedy troupe which spawned Colbert, Carell, Dinello, Sedaris, and others.
"Studio Moria's funnier," countered Stevli. "Well, it was. In its heyday." - SNL (which Studio 60 parodies) is often said to have been funnier in days gone by. Studio Moria was probably funnier before everybody died.
"I would never be your understudy!" - Colbert did in fact understudy for Carell.
J-squared - Jason Jones (doesn't translate perfectly when he's Jason Baggins, but oh well).
"Only a fool or an egomaniac would kill a rabbit this close to Second Forest." - Sedaris is famously a rabbit-lover.
This is a tremendous place - "tremendous" is one of Stewart's favorite compliments to give.
"In that case, we'll just have to improvise." - because Second City is an improv troupe . . . eh? ehhhh?
Hollimandir - Greg Holliman, Second City alumn along with Colbert, Dinello, and Sedaris; worked with them on Strangers With Candy as Principal Blackman.
They're much quicker on their feet than we are. - more improv jokes.
"Torture? Not at all! Blindfold away!" - Colbert once offered to be blindfolded and waterboarded, to demonstrate that waterboarding was not torture. (He didn't handle it very well.)
"Barely literate thug."..."Pretentious asshole." - It is well-documented that Colbert (the real one, anyway) and Dinello hated each other on first meeting. (They got over it.)
"Faggots," she pronounced affectionately - used as a term of endearment for the two on Sedaris' part, as well as in-character in SWC.
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18. The Muffins of Sedariel
a harsh and grating croak, her fair features contorting into a similarly wretched parody of themselves - the Jerri voice! (SWC references will abound.)
If he's not here, I can't make my honey pie. - refrain from the Exit 57 sketch known as "Honey Pie."
"I grieve, but I do not despair." - from The First Post-9/11 Episode.
"You can still reach for the stars -- as long as you reach for the lowest ones you can." - adapted from a Jerri line.
Unless, of course, one of you is a snitch - the crux of Jerri's dilemma in "Who Wants Cake?"
"...who wants cake?" - ditto.
home-ometer - the Homometer!
Will you serve it covered in sprinkles? - see the promotional books for Sedaris' I Like You: Hospitality Under the Influence.
I was a forty-year-old virgin and the Lady Sedariel was a fortysomething ex-whore - Carell's character in The 40-Year-Old Virgin meets Jerri. Now there's a match made in . . . somewhere.
"Befriending each other." - more SWC: this is Chuck's euphemism for "having sex" (with Geoffrey), used in "Hit and Run."
"Your voice is like a Warg picking at my brain!" - used in SWC (in "To Love, Honor, and Pretend"), and later on TDS, during an Even Stepvhen.
She was clad all in white, though her skirt billowed out from the many layers of pink tulle crowded beneath it - Sedaris wore this dress on Letterman one time, although I can't for the life of me find the clip.
carved with the figures of rabbits - fitting, as these are Dusty's Cupcakes. (Dusty being one of Sedaris' rabbits.)
muffins - an innuendo-based tradition, kin to cupcakes.
the glint - drug of choice in SWC, once referenced by Colbert on TCR, to the delight of his fans.
some sort of gigantic mallet - see the opening of The Root of All Evil.
They've blown up a dam in the Shire! - see Wigfield. Ditto the "parade" solution.
she had taken it into her head to change herself into a large, pink dragon wearing a three-piece suit and a straw boater - shoutout to Bored of the Rings. As is the peanut brittle. And the cockroaches.
Everything you're seeing is as real as the beast with a hundred eyes. - see the SWC movie.
Dustya, the Tie of Rabbitant - named for the aforementioned Dusty. (Nenya, the Ring of Adamant)
I never wanted to be an important actor on the world stage. - Sedaris has a tendency to downplay labels applied to her ("actress", "comedian", and so forth).
I'm a user myself - and a boozer, and a loser . . .
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19. (title TBD)
Coming eventually . . .