WPFAAT Chapter 17
So, while proof-reading, I realized this chapter allll happens in one day and it's still a continuation of the day from last chapter. It's a long day!
Bobby and Junior had just walked in the door when Buddy started barking at the sound of tires crunching on the gravel. Everyone looked at each other, shrugging because none of them were expecting any visitors.
Jack stepped out onto the porch and raised a hand to shield his eyes from the dropping winter sun. He couldn’t help but feel a little wary. Unexpected visitors could mean trouble at this point. He shook himself internally. He was picking up Ennis’s paranoia.
“Hey,” Jack called when he realized who it was. He tossed back over his shoulder to Ennis, “It’s Julie Ann.”
Julie Ann was around the same age as Jack and Ennis, and she’d probably had just as hard a life, if not harder. She’d gotten married at eighteen, had her first kid by nineteen, and eight years later, after she had five little children, her husband had a sudden heart attack and died. She’d never remarried. She’d been a longtime customer, buying almost a whole cow once a year. They didn’t charge her even half of the regular price, and in exchange she used to watch Bobby after school some days and was always bringing food by or sending the boys over to help out.
She came up the front steps and Jack stepped back to let her in the house. She had two covered dishes that Bobby gladly took off her hands.
“How you doing, Bobby?” She asked.
“Good.” He answered, mouth already full of her fudge brownies. “Yourself?” He managed to get out. She just shrugged.
“Been better and been worse.” Her eyes fell on Junior. “Hi,” she said curiously. “I’m Julie Ann.”
“Junior.” Junior looked at her toes.
“You Bobby’s girlfriend or something?”
Bobby almost choked on his brownie. He sputtered and coughed and Ennis pounded on his back a few times until he could breathe again.
“She’s Ennis’s daughter.” Jack explained as Bobby massaged his esophagus. Julie Ann looked back and forth between Ennis and Junior a few times.
“Hmm.” She said. “Well, anyway, I just wanted to know if I could pick up my beef now or what.”
“You…you still want it?” Ennis stuttered.
“Uh, yeah.” Julie Ann gave him a strange look. “I’ve been getting the same order every year for the last eight years. Why would I change my mind?”
“Well…uh…” Ennis shot a look at Jack for help.
“Just…with all that’s happened lately…”
“Something wrong with the cows?” She asked.
“No...?”
“Then I don’t know why there’d be a problem with the meat. You want me to come back in a few days?”
“Yeah, how about three days?” Jack suggested, regaining his composure. As he walked Julie Ann out to her car, he added, “I’m real sorry about this, Julie Ann.”
“Don’t worry,” she waved a hand around. “You guys’ve been dealing with some stuff lately.”
“So you do know about it?” Jack shuffled his feet, wishing Julie Ann didn’t have such a direct gaze.
“Jack. I’ve known forever.”
“What?” His head snapped up.
“Back when I first started coming to you? You guys couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Word in town is you still can’t.”
“Oh.” Jack felt his face catch fire. Julie Ann snorted.
“You’re good people. You raised a fine boy and you’ve been real good to me; been a lot of help and you don’t never judge me for not getting remarried like a lot of people have. None of that other stuff matters. Okay?”
Jack found himself pulling Julie Ann in for a tight hug. “Thank you.” He murmured.
“Hey now, don’t be getting my hopes up for nothing.” She joked. Jack laughed and walked back to the house, hands in his pockets. When he got in, he had that thoughtful look on his face that always made Ennis smile.
“What you thinking ‘bout?” Ennis asked, as he always did when Jack had that look on his face. The kids were at the kitchen table doing homework and they were already arguing over one of the answers to a math problem.
“Oh, not much.” Jack said, smiling back at Ennis. “Just…we know some real good people, Ennis.”
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“Kurt?” Friedrich poked his head into the kitchen cautiously. Kurt and Bobby were working on reading and Junior was sitting with them at the table writing an essay for her history class. The rest of the kids were outside with Jack and Ennis and Mary Ellen, getting in another “interaction” before Jack left.
“What?” Kurt asked, trying and not succeeding very well at stifling his annoyance. He didn’t like to be interrupted.
“Um…” His hesitance made Kurt sigh and roll his eyes at Bobby. Either he’d done something bad or something was wrong. And either way, Kurt was going to have to deal with it. He turned to look at his youngest little brother.
“Freddy? You get into trouble?” Kurt accused while trying not to sound like he was accusing.
“No.” Friedrich sighed. “Never mind.” He turned away, head down and little boy shoulders hunched. Kurt felt bad for being so short with him. Friedrich was a bit quieter than the rest of them and sometimes he got lost in the shuffle of it all.
“Hey, bud, c’mere.” Kurt said gently. The fact that Friedrich did it right away tipped Kurt off that something was up. Kurt pulled him up onto his lap and let him rest his head on Kurt’s collarbone, the way he used to do when he was real little. He was getting a little too big for it at five years old, but Kurt didn’t mind. “What’s wrong?”
“I…” Friedrich nestled closer to Kurt’s chest and glanced shyly at Bobby and Junior. He popped his thumb in his mouth. He never sucked his thumb anymore unless he was upset. Kurt felt a bubble of concern rise in his stomach.
“Freddy. Come on, what’s the matter?”
Friedrich’s breaths started coming in ragged bursts and Kurt could feel him shaking as he started crying. “How come-how come-” He was out of control now, just short of howling. Kurt knew he’d never be able to get real words out of him if he didn’t calm down.
“Freddy, it’s okay.” Kurt held him tight, rubbing circles into his back. “Shh, calm down, buddy. Come on, I can’t understand you if you’re crying like that.”
Friedrich took a bunch of stuttering breaths as he tried to calm himself down, stealing little peaks at Bobby to make sure his hero didn’t think he was a sissy. Bobby looked back at him, concerned.
“H-how come-” Friedrich tried again. “How come Mom won’t p-play with us anymore? Are we bad?”
Kurt felt his jaw clench tight. He took a deep breath and exhaled hard through his nose. “Freddy.” He tried not to sound angry, because he didn’t want Friedrich to think he’d done anything wrong. “You’re not bad, okay? It’s not your fault. Mom’s just sad, because of Rogey.”
“Well, me t-too!” Friedrich wailed. “When’s he coming h-home?” Kurt didn’t know how to handle this. It seemed too harsh to say never but he didn’t want to lie or anything.
“Freddy, Rogey’s not coming home. Remember? We…we talked about it. He’s in Heaven.” Kurt’s voice wobbled and broke but he soldiered on. “You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? Don’t ever think you did.” He squeezed Friedrich tight. “I love you, okay?”
Gretl came in then, ordering Snappy to get out of her way and already screeching for Bobby. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Friedrich sobbing on Kurt’s lap. “What’s wrong with Freddy?” She asked.
“Nothing, Gretty,” Kurt said tiredly. “Don’t worry.”
Tears filled her eyes immediately, almost like she was spiting Kurt. “Freddy?” She asked, chin wobbling dangerously. Kurt fought the crazy urge to laugh. Just what he needed-Gretl crying too. Gretl walked over and peered at Friedrich around Kurt’s arms, snot starting to flow as she fought tears. “Why are you c-crying?” She stuttered, crying openly now. Kurt opened his arms and gathered her up, too. He held both of them for a minute and then untangled himself. Junior immediately rushed over and Bobby pulled Gretl into his arms.
“I’ll be back.” Kurt ground out tersely, jaw clenched tight. He had to make an intense effort not to slam the door behind him as he stomped out to the barn.
“Hey, Kurt.” Jack greeted him with a big grin that faded when he noticed how upset Kurt was. “What’s wrong?” He asked, concerned.
“Where’s my mother?” Kurt demanded.
“Kurt?” Jack answered his question with another.
“Where is she?” Kurt nearly yelled. He didn’t want the other kids to hear him and come see what the problem was. Jack stared at him for a minute, then pressed his lips together and pointed down the row of stalls. “Thank you.” Kurt muttered. He stalked down the aisle until he found Mary Ellen. She turned at his footsteps and looked up at him, hair stringy and eyes huge in her too-skinny face.
“I’ve had enough!” He forgot about not wanting the other kids to hear him and threw caution to the wind. “This is out of hand and ridiculous!”
“Kurt-” Even her voice was just a wisp, not even a full voice.
“No! I get it-you feel guilty. And I get that you miss Roger and it’s tough as shit to lose your kid but guess what Mom? We all lost him too and you’ve still got seven others who’re still alive! Do you know where your two youngest are right now? They’re in the kitchen crying their eyes out because they don’t know why their mother, their own goddamn mother, won’t even look at them anymore! Do you know that Louisa never gets to go out with her friends because she’s the mom now? Do you know that we can’t even talk to Dad anymore because he’s always so worn out from being worried about you?” Kurt felt himself getting choked up and stopped to breathe.
“I know.” Mary Ellen said hollowly. “I’m a horrible mother and-”
“We don’t need your guilt! We just want our parents back!” Kurt could feel tears on his cheeks and he dashed them away impatiently, turning away from her and leaving the barn. He passed Jack, who had his head down and was listening while trying not to listen. He passed Ennis, who didn’t meet his gaze, and Louisa, who was crying. He rubbed his eyes, feeling more tears there that he didn’t even try to fight. It was a weight off his shoulders to finally get that out. Rolfe was huddling into Louisa’s side, scared and worried, and Max’s eyes were huge. G was leaning against Firefly and Kurt didn’t stop to talk to any of them. He knew they’d need to go home soon and he knew he’d driven and he didn’t care just then. His feet found one of the riding trails and he just went ahead and walked. No one stopped him.
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Jack and Ennis got the kids and Mary Ellen home. Roy heard a lot of commotion, which he was used to, and a lot of crying, which he was also used to, and went out to see if anything out of the ordinary was going on or if the tears were over the car ride.
Mary Ellen brushed past him and went straight to bed. He stared after her for a minute, then turned and saw his three youngest children crying (Rolfe had joined in when they’d left Kurt behind). About four different people told him what’d happened and Gretl-who still didn’t really know what the whole thing was about-told him she needed a really big hug, which he was happy to provide.
He tossed a glance toward the closed bedroom door Mary Ellen was hiding behind and wondered what to do. He needed to go talk to Kurt and he needed to make sure his wife was alright and he needed to calm down his children. He pressed his hands to the sides of his head and squeezed for a second, hoping to compress all his problems.
“Hey, why don’t you go check on Mary Ellen? We’ll help the kids get settled down and then you can ride back with us.” Jack suggested. Ennis nodded his approval to this course of action. Roy hesitated, not sure what the right thing was just then, but then nodded tiredly. He hugged the six of his kids that were present and went to his bedroom.
“Mary Ellen?” He closed the door gently behind him. She was on her side, facing the wall. She didn’t say anything. He sat on the bed, his back to her. “You okay, baby?” She didn’t answer. Roy sighed. “Look, it’s been a rough time for all of us. Kurt didn’t…” He stopped. He’d planned on saying Kurt didn’t mean what he said but he knew it was a lie. Part of him wanted to smack the boy and the other part wanted to hug him tight for being the bravest and saying what was on everyone’s minds.
Roy leaned in and kissed the side of Mary Ellen’s face. “I love you.” He told her. “I’m going to go get Kurt. All the rest of the kids are still here.”
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After Jack and Ennis had loaded everyone up and left, Bobby and Junior didn’t know what to do. They knew Kurt needed some time to cool off, but both hated to think of him wandering around out there in the dark by himself. He’d have a hard time getting lost, since all the trails looped back around to the house, but what if he didn’t stay on the trail?
“Let’s just go look for him.” Junior said decisively. “If he doesn’t want to talk he doesn’t have to.”
They split up, each with bright flashlights and heavy coats. It was freezing and Kurt didn’t even have a jacket on. Junior couldn’t remember if he had shoes on. Surely he did. She hoped he did. She shone her flashlight around halfheartedly, knowing he’d have gotten farther than where she was. There was a clearing coming up and she had a hunch he might be there.
She was right. He was sitting on a big rock with his knees tucked to his chest and his head in his hands when he found him. He did have shoes on, she noted.
“Hey.” She said softly.
“Hi.” He didn’t look up. She sat down next to him. It was a good rock for sitting and thinking, and she assumed he’d been doing a lot of that in the last half hour or so. She didn’t say anything. He was shivering and had red blotches on his bare arms where the wind had cut into him.
“I shouldn’t have said that.” He finally broke the silence. “I just got so mad.”
“I know.” Junior sighed. “But I’m not sure it was wrong for you to say all that.”
“What?” He looked up for the first time.
“I mean, I guess you could’ve maybe found a nicer way to say it. But I think it’s about time someone told your mom to pull her head out of her ass.”
Kurt laughed a little at Junior’s word choice. He always laughed when Junior swore because she did it so rarely it sounded funny coming out of her mouth. He wiped at some of the last tears. He couldn’t really feel his face or his fingers or his arms anymore. He was a little worried he had frostbite.
“It felt good to say it. You know? To finally tell her what I’ve held in for so long. And when Friedrich was crying like that because he thought he’d done something wrong…” Kurt trailed off, jaw clenching again at the thought.
“You just couldn’t keep it in anymore.” Junior finished for him.
“Guess not.” He looked sideways at her. “It doesn’t make me a bad person?” He sounded like a little boy. Junior wanted to pull him into her arms and hug him tight. And after a brief hesitation, she did, squeezing him tight and letting go quickly. But she was still close enough that their shoulders were touching.
“Kurt…” She bit her lip and looked down at the frozen dirt. “You didn’t do it for yourself. I mean, kind of, yeah, but the reason you lost it was because Freddy was so upset. So you’re not a bad person.” She looked up and over at him and realized his face was closer than she’d thought. His eyes were very brown. She took a deep breath but didn’t look away.
“Thank you.” He said, barely more than a whisper. His face was slowly coming closer to her. Strangely, she wasn’t nervous at all. Okay, that was a lie-her stomach was fluttering like crazy. But her mind wasn’t screaming at her and her brain wasn’t thinking a million thoughts at once. She could hear the wind and his breathing and she licked her lips and then his lips were touching hers, freezing cold and feather light.
Fireworks didn’t go off, the way the stories always said they did. Instead, there was the most intense stillness and calm between them. He pulled away and rubbed his cold nose against hers, making her giggle, then he ran a hand down her hair, all the way from the top of her head down to the end. It would have been a little nicer if he hadn’t been so cold, Junior would reflect later, but just then the feeling of his icy fingers on her chin gently pulling her in for another kiss didn’t bother her at all.
Bobby found them a few minutes later, the beam of his flashlight illuminating their locked lips. He bellowed in surprise, making Junior and Kurt jump and break apart and Junior eep comically in her fright, almost falling off the rock. Luckily Kurt still had an arm around her back.
“So that’s why you wanted to split up!” Bobby finally got over his shock to say.
“Um…” Junior sputtered for words. Kurt started laughing.
“You scared us to death!” He told Bobby. He got up off the rock and pulled Junior with him. They walked back to the house, Bobby shooting sidelong glances at the two of them the whole time, not sure if he should be happy or not. They didn’t hold hands or anything, so he didn’t know what was going on.
When they got back to the house, they found Jack, Ennis, and Roy drinking coffee and looking somber. Kurt felt his giddiness start to slide away. No doubt his father would be furious at him for upsetting his mother so badly.
“Uh, hi.” He swallowed hard and looked at his feet. He felt Junior’s hand bump against his, just once, and shot her a little smile.
“Kurt…” Roy didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think he should say whatever he was going to say here, anyway. “I think we should probably go home now.”
“Okay.” Kurt bit his lip and looked at Junior. “Bye.” He said, in a different voice than Jack had ever heard and from the way they were looking at each other Jack could tell something had changed between them. Kurt looked over at Bobby, that soft glow fading from his eyes, and said, “I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”
Bobby clapped a hand on Kurt’s back. “Yep, see ya. Hey,” Bobby leaned in closer. “Tell Freddy it’s…it’s okay to cry, will you? I don’t know if he’s old enough to care yet but I don’t want him to think it means he’s a sissy or anything, you know? And you can tell him I cried when I broke my arm. I’m not ashamed.”
Kurt laughed. “Yeah, I’ll tell him. Thanks, man. Bye.”
Kurt walked ahead of his dad, shoulders slumped, sure he was going to get yelled at. As they were walking out the door, Roy put an arm around Kurt’s shoulders and rested his head against his son’s for a second.
They got in the car and Roy waited a minute before starting the car. He opened his mouth but changed his mind and shut it again, instead turning the key and pulling out. Kurt’s fingers were still a little numb and he couldn’t wait for the head to kick in.
“So.” Roy let the word hang between them in the air.
“So.” Kurt repeated, staring at his frozen fingers. They seemed to be thawing out all right.
“Um…” Roy cleared his throat. “Why…?” He stopped again. He was really rusty with these father-son chats, he realized. It made him mad at himself.
“Look, I don’t know exactly what happened, but Freddy came in and he was really upset and he started crying and he asked if he did something bad to make Mom stop playing with him. And I just got so mad at her and I couldn’t stop myself.”
They drove in silence for a minute. Roy pinched the bridge of his nose. He had no idea what to say. At a stoplight, he turned to look at his son. Kurt looked a lot like Roger, especially from the side, in the dark. But Roger had gotten Roy’s eyes and Kurt had Mary Ellen’s. They were softer and just now they were full of worry and remorse.
“You regret saying it?” Roy asked.
“No.” Kurt said after a minute of thinking it over. “I think it needed to be said.”
Roy nodded. “I think maybe it did too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I think…well, I’m sorry your mom and I haven’t been all there lately. I mean, it’s been tough on us but I’m sure it’s been tougher on you guys. You had to deal with losing Roger and us falling apart.”
“Dad-” Kurt started to break in when he heard his dad’s voice crack, but Roy held a hand up.
“I just wanted to tell you I’m real proud of the way you’ve taken care of your brothers and sisters. Without you and Louisa…well, who knows what the younger kids would’ve done? And from now on, I’m going to work harder to be around. I can’t promise anything about your mom, but…well, I can make sure I’m still there.”
Neither said anything for the rest of the ride. When they got home, Kurt hugged his dad. He knew firsthand that parents needed to be parented sometimes, too. And he didn’t resent it this time, because he had a feeling he wouldn’t have to do it much anymore.
Bobby and Junior had just walked in the door when Buddy started barking at the sound of tires crunching on the gravel. Everyone looked at each other, shrugging because none of them were expecting any visitors.
Jack stepped out onto the porch and raised a hand to shield his eyes from the dropping winter sun. He couldn’t help but feel a little wary. Unexpected visitors could mean trouble at this point. He shook himself internally. He was picking up Ennis’s paranoia.
“Hey,” Jack called when he realized who it was. He tossed back over his shoulder to Ennis, “It’s Julie Ann.”
Julie Ann was around the same age as Jack and Ennis, and she’d probably had just as hard a life, if not harder. She’d gotten married at eighteen, had her first kid by nineteen, and eight years later, after she had five little children, her husband had a sudden heart attack and died. She’d never remarried. She’d been a longtime customer, buying almost a whole cow once a year. They didn’t charge her even half of the regular price, and in exchange she used to watch Bobby after school some days and was always bringing food by or sending the boys over to help out.
She came up the front steps and Jack stepped back to let her in the house. She had two covered dishes that Bobby gladly took off her hands.
“How you doing, Bobby?” She asked.
“Good.” He answered, mouth already full of her fudge brownies. “Yourself?” He managed to get out. She just shrugged.
“Been better and been worse.” Her eyes fell on Junior. “Hi,” she said curiously. “I’m Julie Ann.”
“Junior.” Junior looked at her toes.
“You Bobby’s girlfriend or something?”
Bobby almost choked on his brownie. He sputtered and coughed and Ennis pounded on his back a few times until he could breathe again.
“She’s Ennis’s daughter.” Jack explained as Bobby massaged his esophagus. Julie Ann looked back and forth between Ennis and Junior a few times.
“Hmm.” She said. “Well, anyway, I just wanted to know if I could pick up my beef now or what.”
“You…you still want it?” Ennis stuttered.
“Uh, yeah.” Julie Ann gave him a strange look. “I’ve been getting the same order every year for the last eight years. Why would I change my mind?”
“Well…uh…” Ennis shot a look at Jack for help.
“Just…with all that’s happened lately…”
“Something wrong with the cows?” She asked.
“No...?”
“Then I don’t know why there’d be a problem with the meat. You want me to come back in a few days?”
“Yeah, how about three days?” Jack suggested, regaining his composure. As he walked Julie Ann out to her car, he added, “I’m real sorry about this, Julie Ann.”
“Don’t worry,” she waved a hand around. “You guys’ve been dealing with some stuff lately.”
“So you do know about it?” Jack shuffled his feet, wishing Julie Ann didn’t have such a direct gaze.
“Jack. I’ve known forever.”
“What?” His head snapped up.
“Back when I first started coming to you? You guys couldn’t keep your hands off each other. Word in town is you still can’t.”
“Oh.” Jack felt his face catch fire. Julie Ann snorted.
“You’re good people. You raised a fine boy and you’ve been real good to me; been a lot of help and you don’t never judge me for not getting remarried like a lot of people have. None of that other stuff matters. Okay?”
Jack found himself pulling Julie Ann in for a tight hug. “Thank you.” He murmured.
“Hey now, don’t be getting my hopes up for nothing.” She joked. Jack laughed and walked back to the house, hands in his pockets. When he got in, he had that thoughtful look on his face that always made Ennis smile.
“What you thinking ‘bout?” Ennis asked, as he always did when Jack had that look on his face. The kids were at the kitchen table doing homework and they were already arguing over one of the answers to a math problem.
“Oh, not much.” Jack said, smiling back at Ennis. “Just…we know some real good people, Ennis.”
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“Kurt?” Friedrich poked his head into the kitchen cautiously. Kurt and Bobby were working on reading and Junior was sitting with them at the table writing an essay for her history class. The rest of the kids were outside with Jack and Ennis and Mary Ellen, getting in another “interaction” before Jack left.
“What?” Kurt asked, trying and not succeeding very well at stifling his annoyance. He didn’t like to be interrupted.
“Um…” His hesitance made Kurt sigh and roll his eyes at Bobby. Either he’d done something bad or something was wrong. And either way, Kurt was going to have to deal with it. He turned to look at his youngest little brother.
“Freddy? You get into trouble?” Kurt accused while trying not to sound like he was accusing.
“No.” Friedrich sighed. “Never mind.” He turned away, head down and little boy shoulders hunched. Kurt felt bad for being so short with him. Friedrich was a bit quieter than the rest of them and sometimes he got lost in the shuffle of it all.
“Hey, bud, c’mere.” Kurt said gently. The fact that Friedrich did it right away tipped Kurt off that something was up. Kurt pulled him up onto his lap and let him rest his head on Kurt’s collarbone, the way he used to do when he was real little. He was getting a little too big for it at five years old, but Kurt didn’t mind. “What’s wrong?”
“I…” Friedrich nestled closer to Kurt’s chest and glanced shyly at Bobby and Junior. He popped his thumb in his mouth. He never sucked his thumb anymore unless he was upset. Kurt felt a bubble of concern rise in his stomach.
“Freddy. Come on, what’s the matter?”
Friedrich’s breaths started coming in ragged bursts and Kurt could feel him shaking as he started crying. “How come-how come-” He was out of control now, just short of howling. Kurt knew he’d never be able to get real words out of him if he didn’t calm down.
“Freddy, it’s okay.” Kurt held him tight, rubbing circles into his back. “Shh, calm down, buddy. Come on, I can’t understand you if you’re crying like that.”
Friedrich took a bunch of stuttering breaths as he tried to calm himself down, stealing little peaks at Bobby to make sure his hero didn’t think he was a sissy. Bobby looked back at him, concerned.
“H-how come-” Friedrich tried again. “How come Mom won’t p-play with us anymore? Are we bad?”
Kurt felt his jaw clench tight. He took a deep breath and exhaled hard through his nose. “Freddy.” He tried not to sound angry, because he didn’t want Friedrich to think he’d done anything wrong. “You’re not bad, okay? It’s not your fault. Mom’s just sad, because of Rogey.”
“Well, me t-too!” Friedrich wailed. “When’s he coming h-home?” Kurt didn’t know how to handle this. It seemed too harsh to say never but he didn’t want to lie or anything.
“Freddy, Rogey’s not coming home. Remember? We…we talked about it. He’s in Heaven.” Kurt’s voice wobbled and broke but he soldiered on. “You didn’t do anything wrong, okay? Don’t ever think you did.” He squeezed Friedrich tight. “I love you, okay?”
Gretl came in then, ordering Snappy to get out of her way and already screeching for Bobby. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Friedrich sobbing on Kurt’s lap. “What’s wrong with Freddy?” She asked.
“Nothing, Gretty,” Kurt said tiredly. “Don’t worry.”
Tears filled her eyes immediately, almost like she was spiting Kurt. “Freddy?” She asked, chin wobbling dangerously. Kurt fought the crazy urge to laugh. Just what he needed-Gretl crying too. Gretl walked over and peered at Friedrich around Kurt’s arms, snot starting to flow as she fought tears. “Why are you c-crying?” She stuttered, crying openly now. Kurt opened his arms and gathered her up, too. He held both of them for a minute and then untangled himself. Junior immediately rushed over and Bobby pulled Gretl into his arms.
“I’ll be back.” Kurt ground out tersely, jaw clenched tight. He had to make an intense effort not to slam the door behind him as he stomped out to the barn.
“Hey, Kurt.” Jack greeted him with a big grin that faded when he noticed how upset Kurt was. “What’s wrong?” He asked, concerned.
“Where’s my mother?” Kurt demanded.
“Kurt?” Jack answered his question with another.
“Where is she?” Kurt nearly yelled. He didn’t want the other kids to hear him and come see what the problem was. Jack stared at him for a minute, then pressed his lips together and pointed down the row of stalls. “Thank you.” Kurt muttered. He stalked down the aisle until he found Mary Ellen. She turned at his footsteps and looked up at him, hair stringy and eyes huge in her too-skinny face.
“I’ve had enough!” He forgot about not wanting the other kids to hear him and threw caution to the wind. “This is out of hand and ridiculous!”
“Kurt-” Even her voice was just a wisp, not even a full voice.
“No! I get it-you feel guilty. And I get that you miss Roger and it’s tough as shit to lose your kid but guess what Mom? We all lost him too and you’ve still got seven others who’re still alive! Do you know where your two youngest are right now? They’re in the kitchen crying their eyes out because they don’t know why their mother, their own goddamn mother, won’t even look at them anymore! Do you know that Louisa never gets to go out with her friends because she’s the mom now? Do you know that we can’t even talk to Dad anymore because he’s always so worn out from being worried about you?” Kurt felt himself getting choked up and stopped to breathe.
“I know.” Mary Ellen said hollowly. “I’m a horrible mother and-”
“We don’t need your guilt! We just want our parents back!” Kurt could feel tears on his cheeks and he dashed them away impatiently, turning away from her and leaving the barn. He passed Jack, who had his head down and was listening while trying not to listen. He passed Ennis, who didn’t meet his gaze, and Louisa, who was crying. He rubbed his eyes, feeling more tears there that he didn’t even try to fight. It was a weight off his shoulders to finally get that out. Rolfe was huddling into Louisa’s side, scared and worried, and Max’s eyes were huge. G was leaning against Firefly and Kurt didn’t stop to talk to any of them. He knew they’d need to go home soon and he knew he’d driven and he didn’t care just then. His feet found one of the riding trails and he just went ahead and walked. No one stopped him.
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Jack and Ennis got the kids and Mary Ellen home. Roy heard a lot of commotion, which he was used to, and a lot of crying, which he was also used to, and went out to see if anything out of the ordinary was going on or if the tears were over the car ride.
Mary Ellen brushed past him and went straight to bed. He stared after her for a minute, then turned and saw his three youngest children crying (Rolfe had joined in when they’d left Kurt behind). About four different people told him what’d happened and Gretl-who still didn’t really know what the whole thing was about-told him she needed a really big hug, which he was happy to provide.
He tossed a glance toward the closed bedroom door Mary Ellen was hiding behind and wondered what to do. He needed to go talk to Kurt and he needed to make sure his wife was alright and he needed to calm down his children. He pressed his hands to the sides of his head and squeezed for a second, hoping to compress all his problems.
“Hey, why don’t you go check on Mary Ellen? We’ll help the kids get settled down and then you can ride back with us.” Jack suggested. Ennis nodded his approval to this course of action. Roy hesitated, not sure what the right thing was just then, but then nodded tiredly. He hugged the six of his kids that were present and went to his bedroom.
“Mary Ellen?” He closed the door gently behind him. She was on her side, facing the wall. She didn’t say anything. He sat on the bed, his back to her. “You okay, baby?” She didn’t answer. Roy sighed. “Look, it’s been a rough time for all of us. Kurt didn’t…” He stopped. He’d planned on saying Kurt didn’t mean what he said but he knew it was a lie. Part of him wanted to smack the boy and the other part wanted to hug him tight for being the bravest and saying what was on everyone’s minds.
Roy leaned in and kissed the side of Mary Ellen’s face. “I love you.” He told her. “I’m going to go get Kurt. All the rest of the kids are still here.”
------------------------
After Jack and Ennis had loaded everyone up and left, Bobby and Junior didn’t know what to do. They knew Kurt needed some time to cool off, but both hated to think of him wandering around out there in the dark by himself. He’d have a hard time getting lost, since all the trails looped back around to the house, but what if he didn’t stay on the trail?
“Let’s just go look for him.” Junior said decisively. “If he doesn’t want to talk he doesn’t have to.”
They split up, each with bright flashlights and heavy coats. It was freezing and Kurt didn’t even have a jacket on. Junior couldn’t remember if he had shoes on. Surely he did. She hoped he did. She shone her flashlight around halfheartedly, knowing he’d have gotten farther than where she was. There was a clearing coming up and she had a hunch he might be there.
She was right. He was sitting on a big rock with his knees tucked to his chest and his head in his hands when he found him. He did have shoes on, she noted.
“Hey.” She said softly.
“Hi.” He didn’t look up. She sat down next to him. It was a good rock for sitting and thinking, and she assumed he’d been doing a lot of that in the last half hour or so. She didn’t say anything. He was shivering and had red blotches on his bare arms where the wind had cut into him.
“I shouldn’t have said that.” He finally broke the silence. “I just got so mad.”
“I know.” Junior sighed. “But I’m not sure it was wrong for you to say all that.”
“What?” He looked up for the first time.
“I mean, I guess you could’ve maybe found a nicer way to say it. But I think it’s about time someone told your mom to pull her head out of her ass.”
Kurt laughed a little at Junior’s word choice. He always laughed when Junior swore because she did it so rarely it sounded funny coming out of her mouth. He wiped at some of the last tears. He couldn’t really feel his face or his fingers or his arms anymore. He was a little worried he had frostbite.
“It felt good to say it. You know? To finally tell her what I’ve held in for so long. And when Friedrich was crying like that because he thought he’d done something wrong…” Kurt trailed off, jaw clenching again at the thought.
“You just couldn’t keep it in anymore.” Junior finished for him.
“Guess not.” He looked sideways at her. “It doesn’t make me a bad person?” He sounded like a little boy. Junior wanted to pull him into her arms and hug him tight. And after a brief hesitation, she did, squeezing him tight and letting go quickly. But she was still close enough that their shoulders were touching.
“Kurt…” She bit her lip and looked down at the frozen dirt. “You didn’t do it for yourself. I mean, kind of, yeah, but the reason you lost it was because Freddy was so upset. So you’re not a bad person.” She looked up and over at him and realized his face was closer than she’d thought. His eyes were very brown. She took a deep breath but didn’t look away.
“Thank you.” He said, barely more than a whisper. His face was slowly coming closer to her. Strangely, she wasn’t nervous at all. Okay, that was a lie-her stomach was fluttering like crazy. But her mind wasn’t screaming at her and her brain wasn’t thinking a million thoughts at once. She could hear the wind and his breathing and she licked her lips and then his lips were touching hers, freezing cold and feather light.
Fireworks didn’t go off, the way the stories always said they did. Instead, there was the most intense stillness and calm between them. He pulled away and rubbed his cold nose against hers, making her giggle, then he ran a hand down her hair, all the way from the top of her head down to the end. It would have been a little nicer if he hadn’t been so cold, Junior would reflect later, but just then the feeling of his icy fingers on her chin gently pulling her in for another kiss didn’t bother her at all.
Bobby found them a few minutes later, the beam of his flashlight illuminating their locked lips. He bellowed in surprise, making Junior and Kurt jump and break apart and Junior eep comically in her fright, almost falling off the rock. Luckily Kurt still had an arm around her back.
“So that’s why you wanted to split up!” Bobby finally got over his shock to say.
“Um…” Junior sputtered for words. Kurt started laughing.
“You scared us to death!” He told Bobby. He got up off the rock and pulled Junior with him. They walked back to the house, Bobby shooting sidelong glances at the two of them the whole time, not sure if he should be happy or not. They didn’t hold hands or anything, so he didn’t know what was going on.
When they got back to the house, they found Jack, Ennis, and Roy drinking coffee and looking somber. Kurt felt his giddiness start to slide away. No doubt his father would be furious at him for upsetting his mother so badly.
“Uh, hi.” He swallowed hard and looked at his feet. He felt Junior’s hand bump against his, just once, and shot her a little smile.
“Kurt…” Roy didn’t know what to say. He didn’t think he should say whatever he was going to say here, anyway. “I think we should probably go home now.”
“Okay.” Kurt bit his lip and looked at Junior. “Bye.” He said, in a different voice than Jack had ever heard and from the way they were looking at each other Jack could tell something had changed between them. Kurt looked over at Bobby, that soft glow fading from his eyes, and said, “I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”
Bobby clapped a hand on Kurt’s back. “Yep, see ya. Hey,” Bobby leaned in closer. “Tell Freddy it’s…it’s okay to cry, will you? I don’t know if he’s old enough to care yet but I don’t want him to think it means he’s a sissy or anything, you know? And you can tell him I cried when I broke my arm. I’m not ashamed.”
Kurt laughed. “Yeah, I’ll tell him. Thanks, man. Bye.”
Kurt walked ahead of his dad, shoulders slumped, sure he was going to get yelled at. As they were walking out the door, Roy put an arm around Kurt’s shoulders and rested his head against his son’s for a second.
They got in the car and Roy waited a minute before starting the car. He opened his mouth but changed his mind and shut it again, instead turning the key and pulling out. Kurt’s fingers were still a little numb and he couldn’t wait for the head to kick in.
“So.” Roy let the word hang between them in the air.
“So.” Kurt repeated, staring at his frozen fingers. They seemed to be thawing out all right.
“Um…” Roy cleared his throat. “Why…?” He stopped again. He was really rusty with these father-son chats, he realized. It made him mad at himself.
“Look, I don’t know exactly what happened, but Freddy came in and he was really upset and he started crying and he asked if he did something bad to make Mom stop playing with him. And I just got so mad at her and I couldn’t stop myself.”
They drove in silence for a minute. Roy pinched the bridge of his nose. He had no idea what to say. At a stoplight, he turned to look at his son. Kurt looked a lot like Roger, especially from the side, in the dark. But Roger had gotten Roy’s eyes and Kurt had Mary Ellen’s. They were softer and just now they were full of worry and remorse.
“You regret saying it?” Roy asked.
“No.” Kurt said after a minute of thinking it over. “I think it needed to be said.”
Roy nodded. “I think maybe it did too.”
“Really?”
“Yeah. I think…well, I’m sorry your mom and I haven’t been all there lately. I mean, it’s been tough on us but I’m sure it’s been tougher on you guys. You had to deal with losing Roger and us falling apart.”
“Dad-” Kurt started to break in when he heard his dad’s voice crack, but Roy held a hand up.
“I just wanted to tell you I’m real proud of the way you’ve taken care of your brothers and sisters. Without you and Louisa…well, who knows what the younger kids would’ve done? And from now on, I’m going to work harder to be around. I can’t promise anything about your mom, but…well, I can make sure I’m still there.”
Neither said anything for the rest of the ride. When they got home, Kurt hugged his dad. He knew firsthand that parents needed to be parented sometimes, too. And he didn’t resent it this time, because he had a feeling he wouldn’t have to do it much anymore.