Why do I hate me?
Ok, so I took Aschlynn's advice and started writing what I was thinking about and I came to some conclusions about why I hate myself. As if anyone cares... oh well here it is ^_^' ... Sorry its a little repetitive... keep in mind that this isn't everything, just all I had time for.
Well for starters, I am always nervous... Whenever I am about to do something or say something, I think it through and find anything at all that could make it go wrong. I always think the worst. I try to make sure that if my parents found out, I wouldn't be in trouble at all, because that's the way I am... I don't tell them very much, but I hate lying (but that's for later ;P) So I always find the worst, before I even realize that there is a good side to things. More often then not, I don't even think about the good side at all, because, again, that's how I am. I can barely say anything that I want to people because I think all the time =/. I don't feel I can trust many people with the truth about how I feel, so if I do tell you something, you should feel special knowing that almost noone else knows that. (hah, yeah right, who am I kidding, noone would feel special) I always question myself in my head, What if they resent me? What if they hate me? What if it changes things between us for the worse? What if they think less of me? etc. So, the bottom line here is that; I am a pansy ;þ
Now, back to lying... I hate it. With a passion. But that doesn't stop me from doing it -_-. Again about trust, I have learnt not to trust people the hard way... I barely tell anyone anything. I'd much rather that I tell people and stop pretending that its all alright, but it just doesn't work like that in my mind. People don't know the real real me. (Yes, I know real is there twice, what I meant was that the true real me, its not as if I act differently and just made up who I am.)
I am avoidant. Its how I was made. But how I despise myself for it... I walk away from risks and mostly just avoid talking about myself, unless its a story or something that really has to be said or else something bad might happen, or its just not that big a deal... People just wouldn't understand why things make me feel like they do unless they could read my mind, which would be creepy! So keep away mind-readers, I don't like you.
My Brain: The problem with my brain is that its there. It always voices its highly unnessecary opinions, the damn thing. It keeps me awake for hours, just laying there trying to let it cool down so I can sleep, but it never does. I really hate the way my brain handles things too. I can remember things very well, but it is just sooo much easier to remember things for me if I'm only half listening or I don't care about it at all. My brain walks me through endless disappointments because what I want won't happen. I think all the time, about many things. I can't get this one person off mind, no matter how hard I try because my brain won't listen to the rest of me. I know it will never happen, but it won't go away. -_-... all I have in store is disappoint as far as my mind is concerned.
Conscience... fuck it! I feel bad after anything I say or do that could even remotely hurt someone in any way at all. Even if I didn't do anything wrong at all or they asked for it or anything. It doesn't matter with the little fucker...
Second Thoughts are many of the thoughts I have. After everything I do, I rethink it and wonder if there was something better I could have done. I have billions of regrets in my life and I'm only 16... I envy those who have no regrets about their past...
My mood can shift easily. Usually this is a bad thing seeing as though life is disappointing. But when I'm with the right people I'm usually alright with everything that's happening, at least for a little while. When they leave it sinks in and stays inside me because I don't release any of my negative feelings and when I blow, I'll have no friends, I can guarantee that!
That's all I feel like writing right now, maybe I'll do some more later... its not as if people are even interested in this ;þ
Well for starters, I am always nervous... Whenever I am about to do something or say something, I think it through and find anything at all that could make it go wrong. I always think the worst. I try to make sure that if my parents found out, I wouldn't be in trouble at all, because that's the way I am... I don't tell them very much, but I hate lying (but that's for later ;P) So I always find the worst, before I even realize that there is a good side to things. More often then not, I don't even think about the good side at all, because, again, that's how I am. I can barely say anything that I want to people because I think all the time =/. I don't feel I can trust many people with the truth about how I feel, so if I do tell you something, you should feel special knowing that almost noone else knows that. (hah, yeah right, who am I kidding, noone would feel special) I always question myself in my head, What if they resent me? What if they hate me? What if it changes things between us for the worse? What if they think less of me? etc. So, the bottom line here is that; I am a pansy ;þ
Now, back to lying... I hate it. With a passion. But that doesn't stop me from doing it -_-. Again about trust, I have learnt not to trust people the hard way... I barely tell anyone anything. I'd much rather that I tell people and stop pretending that its all alright, but it just doesn't work like that in my mind. People don't know the real real me. (Yes, I know real is there twice, what I meant was that the true real me, its not as if I act differently and just made up who I am.)
I am avoidant. Its how I was made. But how I despise myself for it... I walk away from risks and mostly just avoid talking about myself, unless its a story or something that really has to be said or else something bad might happen, or its just not that big a deal... People just wouldn't understand why things make me feel like they do unless they could read my mind, which would be creepy! So keep away mind-readers, I don't like you.
My Brain: The problem with my brain is that its there. It always voices its highly unnessecary opinions, the damn thing. It keeps me awake for hours, just laying there trying to let it cool down so I can sleep, but it never does. I really hate the way my brain handles things too. I can remember things very well, but it is just sooo much easier to remember things for me if I'm only half listening or I don't care about it at all. My brain walks me through endless disappointments because what I want won't happen. I think all the time, about many things. I can't get this one person off mind, no matter how hard I try because my brain won't listen to the rest of me. I know it will never happen, but it won't go away. -_-... all I have in store is disappoint as far as my mind is concerned.
Conscience... fuck it! I feel bad after anything I say or do that could even remotely hurt someone in any way at all. Even if I didn't do anything wrong at all or they asked for it or anything. It doesn't matter with the little fucker...
Second Thoughts are many of the thoughts I have. After everything I do, I rethink it and wonder if there was something better I could have done. I have billions of regrets in my life and I'm only 16... I envy those who have no regrets about their past...
My mood can shift easily. Usually this is a bad thing seeing as though life is disappointing. But when I'm with the right people I'm usually alright with everything that's happening, at least for a little while. When they leave it sinks in and stays inside me because I don't release any of my negative feelings and when I blow, I'll have no friends, I can guarantee that!
That's all I feel like writing right now, maybe I'll do some more later... its not as if people are even interested in this ;þ