Mass Effect: The Abridged Version, continued.
Previously on Mass Effect, Commander Shepherd committed some war crimes and repeatedly failed to get laid.
Shepherd arrives at Citadel Station, by which we mean the one in Mass Effect, not the one overrun by cyborgs in the original System Shock or the one orbiting Telos IV in Star Wars.
Human Ambassador: Hi, I am extremely important and angry. Here in the future humanity has over come all its prejuidices because the aliens are bigoted and mean. I am in no way a negative Indian stereotype because this is THE FUTURE.
Ashley: I’m glad you cleared that up. Care for space sex, Ambassador?
Ambassador: Never while I’m working.
Shepherd: Ambassador. *offers Ferrero Rocher piled into a pyramid*
Human Ambasador: Shepherd, you’re going to call Shennanigans on Saren before the Alpha Council. Maybe that way I can avoid having to wear a bra and clean their toilets with a toothbrush.
Shepherd: Well, if it means I get a Mary-Sue license, sure.
*
Shepherd: Aliens sure are very diverse in this game.
Ashley: Pooey!
Elkor Ambassador: Pleasure it will be to knowing you, April Ryan.
Volus Ambassador: I smoulder with the impotent rage of a weak bureaucrat. Also, I am short.
Random Hanar: This one is a giant pink psychic jellyfish, care for Space Sex?
Shepherd: Uh no, I make a rule of not having sex with species that don’t know their own basic biology. You are clearly a giant pink psychic siphonophorae, not a jellyfish, duh.
Random Hanar: This individual apologises for its badly written research.
Shepherd: . Further more, if indeed you are a siphonophorae, as you appear to be, it is impossible for you to be an individual, you would have to be a colony of many organisms. You are clearly fraudulent and must pay the penalty. *beats it to death*
Ashley: That was the nerdiest hate crime I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot.
Shepherd: I try. *makes suishi*
*
Shepherd: Hmm a central hub. I hope I don’t wind up being everyone’s messenger girl, I have a mission!
Nervous Salarian: Um, hi would you run around scanning the Keepers for me, please?
Shepherd: *shotgun blast to the head* Not even if you were voiced by Gideon Emery, bitch.
Chellick: *sigh*
*
Shepherd: Oh a strip club! Apparently strippers keep their underwear on in the future! We are totally not sexually repressed!
Ashley: This is so so sad, men are pathetic.
Shepherd: Does that mean you‘re going to stop wearing armour that emphasises your breasts?
Ashley: Only if someone else chooses what I wear for me.
Kaiden: Oh semi-naked dancing ladies... is that a strobe light? Umm I- I think I’d better go lie down.
Ashley: He’ll be in his bunk.
*
Asari Consort: I am mysterious and sexy, aren’t you intrigued?
Shepherd: Are Asari all female or are you hermaphrodites?
Consort: Yes.
Shepherd: Umm... okay.
Consort: Don’t you want to share in my secrets? By which I mean Space Sex.
Shepherd: Lady, I knew Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan and you are no Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan. Your offer is rejected.
*
Alpha Council: Approach the bench, alpha pledge.
Shepherd: I call Shenannigans on Saren.
Saren: Whatever. I’m totally straight edge, for realz.
Alpha Council: Pfft, silly human, come back with evidence or we will haze you, and your little ambassador too.
*
Shepherd: I guess I will just talk to aliens at random until I find important information...
Wrex: I am big and red and like killing things for money. I am not a representation of communism, not unless you’re trying far too hard to make Bioware writers look intelligent.
Shepherd: I like killing things too. Care for Space Sex, Toad boy?
Wrex: I am tempted as I am completely infertile, but I’d rather stand around not saying very much.
Shepherd: Yeah, there seems to be a lot of that going around. Fancy killing Saren with me?
Wrex: Sure, beats standing around. *catches a fly with his tongue*
*
Garrus: *shoots generic evildoer in the head* Go about your day, law abiding citizens.
Shepherd: Stop upstaging me! I do the cold-blooded head shots in this franchise.
Garrus: Could I interest you in a corset piercing?
Shepherd: No!
Garrus: I am looking for a mysterious woman with no face.
Shepherd: Aren’t we all? You turians sure are a kinky bunch.
Garrus: I want to take down Saren.
Shepherd: Something tells me he’d quite like that. You might as well tag along. You can bunk with Ashley, I’m sure she won’t mind.
*
Tali: I am mysterious and don’t have a face. You have saved me from certain game over screen, I must repay you.
Garrus: Care for Space Sex, mysterious woman with no face?
Tali: I am tempted but my erogenous zones may be made of titanium. It’s not really clear.
Shepherd: I could use another artificial woman aboard my ship.
Ashley: Hey!
Tali: I have vital information that could prove that Saren’s pants are on fire with the fiery fire of lies.
Shepherd: Welcome to my crew, Dot. Here is a military issue oil can.
*
Alpha Council: Approach the bench, Alpha Pledge.
Shepherd: Yeah, yeah, I know. Penance.*does the chicken dance*
Tali: Saren pants burneth mightily. I have a tape recorder built in to my elbow and recorded him saying horrible things about your moms.
Alpha Council: OMGWTFBBQ! How did we not see this coming?
Shepherd: Send a Sue to catch a Sue!
Alpha Council: Commander Shepherd, we grant you Mary-Sue status. Could you go kill that pesky Saren guy and his surrogate mummy, please?
Ambassador: May my human god have mercy on you weird freaks.
Shepherd: Shut it, bitch. I’m the fucking pope now. MWUHAHAAH!
Kaiden: *offers Ferrero Rocher piled into a pyramid*
Captain Anderson: Take the Normandy, Commander: You are humanity's last and best hope...
Ambassador: We are so screwed. *eats chocolate*
Shepherd: Alright! Keys to the car at last! Listen up crew, from now on we do things my way. I'm a baddass space marine giving a patriotic speech here!
Bioware: *Gives evil points*
Shepherd: The hell you do!
Joker: Where to, Commander? We could defend the colonies from Geth attacks, investigate them, or try to seduce the Matriarch's daughter.
Shepherd: How about we go on a joy ride to random planets that all look the same for a medley of really boring side-quests?
Joker: Sounds good to me.
Shepherd: Make it so.
To be continued...
Shepherd arrives at Citadel Station, by which we mean the one in Mass Effect, not the one overrun by cyborgs in the original System Shock or the one orbiting Telos IV in Star Wars.
Human Ambassador: Hi, I am extremely important and angry. Here in the future humanity has over come all its prejuidices because the aliens are bigoted and mean. I am in no way a negative Indian stereotype because this is THE FUTURE.
Ashley: I’m glad you cleared that up. Care for space sex, Ambassador?
Ambassador: Never while I’m working.
Shepherd: Ambassador. *offers Ferrero Rocher piled into a pyramid*
Human Ambasador: Shepherd, you’re going to call Shennanigans on Saren before the Alpha Council. Maybe that way I can avoid having to wear a bra and clean their toilets with a toothbrush.
Shepherd: Well, if it means I get a Mary-Sue license, sure.
*
Shepherd: Aliens sure are very diverse in this game.
Ashley: Pooey!
Elkor Ambassador: Pleasure it will be to knowing you, April Ryan.
Volus Ambassador: I smoulder with the impotent rage of a weak bureaucrat. Also, I am short.
Random Hanar: This one is a giant pink psychic jellyfish, care for Space Sex?
Shepherd: Uh no, I make a rule of not having sex with species that don’t know their own basic biology. You are clearly a giant pink psychic siphonophorae, not a jellyfish, duh.
Random Hanar: This individual apologises for its badly written research.
Shepherd: . Further more, if indeed you are a siphonophorae, as you appear to be, it is impossible for you to be an individual, you would have to be a colony of many organisms. You are clearly fraudulent and must pay the penalty. *beats it to death*
Ashley: That was the nerdiest hate crime I’ve ever seen and I’ve seen a lot.
Shepherd: I try. *makes suishi*
*
Shepherd: Hmm a central hub. I hope I don’t wind up being everyone’s messenger girl, I have a mission!
Nervous Salarian: Um, hi would you run around scanning the Keepers for me, please?
Shepherd: *shotgun blast to the head* Not even if you were voiced by Gideon Emery, bitch.
Chellick: *sigh*
*
Shepherd: Oh a strip club! Apparently strippers keep their underwear on in the future! We are totally not sexually repressed!
Ashley: This is so so sad, men are pathetic.
Shepherd: Does that mean you‘re going to stop wearing armour that emphasises your breasts?
Ashley: Only if someone else chooses what I wear for me.
Kaiden: Oh semi-naked dancing ladies... is that a strobe light? Umm I- I think I’d better go lie down.
Ashley: He’ll be in his bunk.
*
Asari Consort: I am mysterious and sexy, aren’t you intrigued?
Shepherd: Are Asari all female or are you hermaphrodites?
Consort: Yes.
Shepherd: Umm... okay.
Consort: Don’t you want to share in my secrets? By which I mean Space Sex.
Shepherd: Lady, I knew Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan and you are no Pa'u Zotoh Zhaan. Your offer is rejected.
*
Alpha Council: Approach the bench, alpha pledge.
Shepherd: I call Shenannigans on Saren.
Saren: Whatever. I’m totally straight edge, for realz.
Alpha Council: Pfft, silly human, come back with evidence or we will haze you, and your little ambassador too.
*
Shepherd: I guess I will just talk to aliens at random until I find important information...
Wrex: I am big and red and like killing things for money. I am not a representation of communism, not unless you’re trying far too hard to make Bioware writers look intelligent.
Shepherd: I like killing things too. Care for Space Sex, Toad boy?
Wrex: I am tempted as I am completely infertile, but I’d rather stand around not saying very much.
Shepherd: Yeah, there seems to be a lot of that going around. Fancy killing Saren with me?
Wrex: Sure, beats standing around. *catches a fly with his tongue*
*
Garrus: *shoots generic evildoer in the head* Go about your day, law abiding citizens.
Shepherd: Stop upstaging me! I do the cold-blooded head shots in this franchise.
Garrus: Could I interest you in a corset piercing?
Shepherd: No!
Garrus: I am looking for a mysterious woman with no face.
Shepherd: Aren’t we all? You turians sure are a kinky bunch.
Garrus: I want to take down Saren.
Shepherd: Something tells me he’d quite like that. You might as well tag along. You can bunk with Ashley, I’m sure she won’t mind.
*
Tali: I am mysterious and don’t have a face. You have saved me from certain game over screen, I must repay you.
Garrus: Care for Space Sex, mysterious woman with no face?
Tali: I am tempted but my erogenous zones may be made of titanium. It’s not really clear.
Shepherd: I could use another artificial woman aboard my ship.
Ashley: Hey!
Tali: I have vital information that could prove that Saren’s pants are on fire with the fiery fire of lies.
Shepherd: Welcome to my crew, Dot. Here is a military issue oil can.
*
Alpha Council: Approach the bench, Alpha Pledge.
Shepherd: Yeah, yeah, I know. Penance.*does the chicken dance*
Tali: Saren pants burneth mightily. I have a tape recorder built in to my elbow and recorded him saying horrible things about your moms.
Alpha Council: OMGWTFBBQ! How did we not see this coming?
Shepherd: Send a Sue to catch a Sue!
Alpha Council: Commander Shepherd, we grant you Mary-Sue status. Could you go kill that pesky Saren guy and his surrogate mummy, please?
Ambassador: May my human god have mercy on you weird freaks.
Shepherd: Shut it, bitch. I’m the fucking pope now. MWUHAHAAH!
Kaiden: *offers Ferrero Rocher piled into a pyramid*
Captain Anderson: Take the Normandy, Commander: You are humanity's last and best hope...
Ambassador: We are so screwed. *eats chocolate*
Shepherd: Alright! Keys to the car at last! Listen up crew, from now on we do things my way. I'm a baddass space marine giving a patriotic speech here!
Bioware: *Gives evil points*
Shepherd: The hell you do!
Joker: Where to, Commander? We could defend the colonies from Geth attacks, investigate them, or try to seduce the Matriarch's daughter.
Shepherd: How about we go on a joy ride to random planets that all look the same for a medley of really boring side-quests?
Joker: Sounds good to me.
Shepherd: Make it so.
To be continued...