Mass Effect: The Abridged Version, continued some more.
Previously on Mass Effect, Shepherd killed some aliens for being badly researched and again didn't get laid. Now she's off gallivanting all over the tri-galaxy area on seemingly pointless errands.
*
Shepherd: Grand Theft Auto in SPAAAAAAAAACE!
Ashley: Who the hell taught you how to drive?
Tali: Commander, are you aware that this vehicle has a canon attached? Vehicular alien slaughter is not necessary.
Ashley: Oh please, it’s always necessary.
Tali: I may only have two fingers on each hand, but that doesn’t mean I’m not making this gesture on purpose, bitch.
Shepherd: Was it necessary for every planet we visit to be a reskin of some barren mountains with weather effects? And how come everything has the same gravity? Why do we have to get out to hack open a door, let me shoot a hole in the wall damn it! Why are we even using a dune buggy? The damn thing has jets, why not make it a Winnebago with wings?
Ashley: I’m my own best friend.
Tali: I wonder why.
*
Geth Hopper: *leap*
Kaiden: Augh! Getitoffgetifoffgetitoff!
Shepherd: Oh look, you made a friend! There’ll be no friends making on my watch, soldier. *shoots hopper*
Kaiden: Does anyone know how to get Geth innards' goo out of my hair?
Ashley: Keeping your helmet on keeps it out really well.
Kaiden: I am so going to force trip you in the shower after this mission, bitch.
*
Kaiden: Jesus Christ, it’s a thresher maw, get in the fucking car!
Shepherd: No, I’m going to take it out on foot! I am reckless and impulsive!
Thresher Maw *OMN NOM NOM*
Shepherd: Bondari, RELOAD! Oh to hell with this shit, let’s go rescue the princess.
*
After a brief but violent arguement with the navigator, the pilot, and the ship’s computer about whether to take a left turn at the Crab Nebula, Commander Shepherd touches down on the planet Therum.
Shepherd: Oh a volcanic plateau... bet that plays an important role, I mean why else would there be some actual level design here?
Wrex: Toasty varm. *snuggles the rest of the crew*
Tali: It would be a good idea not to drive into any steaming pools of lava, Commander.
Shepherd: What do you think I am, stupid?
Bioware: GAME OVER, BITCH!
Shepherd: What the hell? I was no where near that lava! HAX!
Liara T'Soni: Help, help! I’m trapped inside an ancient plot device and my multiple archaeology degrees aren’t helping at all!
Shepherd: This ancient alien forcefield was obviously made by Microsoft. *presses the power off switch*
Forcefield: *fanfare*
Liara: Oh thank my generic goddess, I didn’t think the Protheans would be using windows 98. I thought they were supposed to be smart.
Shepherd: Guess we know why they died out. By the way, I’m still confused about what gender you Asari are.
Liara: That’s okay, so are the writers.
Shepherd: You mom is working with the Si- uh... Geth. What do you think about that?
Liara: Umm... you sure have purty eyes.
Tali: The love interest readings just spiked, Commander.
Shepherd: I just don’t do blue mystical alien space babes any more, okay! It was just a phase, like painting my room pink and listening to the Spice Girls.
Liara: Would you take me with you? The Geth want to drag me off for some B-movie fun.
Shepherd: Okay, fine, just leave me out of your sexcapades.
Liara: All that shooting and explosions started an earthquake!
Shepherd: What shooting and explosions? We just got here, lady.
Liara: Oh, my mistake. No rush then... care for tea and cake before we leave?
On the Normandy, it is karaoke night and Shepherd, rather than hear Joker butchering his way through “My Way” yet again, is forced to make small talk with her crew.
Kaiden: So this one time at Brain Camp...
Shepherd: ... *facepalm*
Kaiden: Did I mention I love sappy romance books and riding ponies? *head jiggle*
Shepherd: No, you did not.
Kaiden: I’m just a sweet sensitive soul really.
Shepherd: You really need to get out more, Lieutenant.
Kaiden: I did have a true love once you know, but I never put my whoo-whoo dilly in her cha-cha.
Shepherd: That explains a lot about you, flopsy.
Kaiden: Also, I can kill you with my brain, Ma’am.
Shepherd: I would love to see you try, dismissed.
Kaiden: (To Himself) D- did I just try to flirt with my superior officer? And accidentally deliver a death threat? Oh god, my head! *clutches temples*
*
Ashley: Aliens smell!
Shepherd: Yes, I believe you’ve made that point several times over now.
Ashley: So why did you let that turrian bunk with me? He keeps looking at me funny.
Shepherd: Oh I have a feeling it’s going to pay off later.
Ashley and Shepherd: *headbutt*
*
Wrex: I’ve been sent on a quest to find my great grandfather’s lost underpants.
Shepherd: Did you look in the drier?
Wrex: Oh, there they are! I owe you a great debt, Shepherd.
Bioware: *Laundromat Achievement*
Shepherd: *holds nose* There must be better ways to level up.
*
Liara: Oh Commander, were you worried about me?
Shepherd: Hell no, I just came to replenish my kol- uh, I mean, medi gel.
Liara: Your human ways of expression are just so fascinating to me, commander.
Shepherd: I am not going to have your lesbian love child, Violet.
Liara: *pout*
*
Joker: AND MORE, MUCH MORE THAN THIS! I DID IT.... MYYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAY!
Shepherd: Okay, that’s it! Screw you guys, I’m going to bed!
To be continued...
*
Shepherd: Grand Theft Auto in SPAAAAAAAAACE!
Ashley: Who the hell taught you how to drive?
Tali: Commander, are you aware that this vehicle has a canon attached? Vehicular alien slaughter is not necessary.
Ashley: Oh please, it’s always necessary.
Tali: I may only have two fingers on each hand, but that doesn’t mean I’m not making this gesture on purpose, bitch.
Shepherd: Was it necessary for every planet we visit to be a reskin of some barren mountains with weather effects? And how come everything has the same gravity? Why do we have to get out to hack open a door, let me shoot a hole in the wall damn it! Why are we even using a dune buggy? The damn thing has jets, why not make it a Winnebago with wings?
Ashley: I’m my own best friend.
Tali: I wonder why.
*
Geth Hopper: *leap*
Kaiden: Augh! Getitoffgetifoffgetitoff!
Shepherd: Oh look, you made a friend! There’ll be no friends making on my watch, soldier. *shoots hopper*
Kaiden: Does anyone know how to get Geth innards' goo out of my hair?
Ashley: Keeping your helmet on keeps it out really well.
Kaiden: I am so going to force trip you in the shower after this mission, bitch.
*
Kaiden: Jesus Christ, it’s a thresher maw, get in the fucking car!
Shepherd: No, I’m going to take it out on foot! I am reckless and impulsive!
Thresher Maw *OMN NOM NOM*
Shepherd: Bondari, RELOAD! Oh to hell with this shit, let’s go rescue the princess.
*
After a brief but violent arguement with the navigator, the pilot, and the ship’s computer about whether to take a left turn at the Crab Nebula, Commander Shepherd touches down on the planet Therum.
Shepherd: Oh a volcanic plateau... bet that plays an important role, I mean why else would there be some actual level design here?
Wrex: Toasty varm. *snuggles the rest of the crew*
Tali: It would be a good idea not to drive into any steaming pools of lava, Commander.
Shepherd: What do you think I am, stupid?
Bioware: GAME OVER, BITCH!
Shepherd: What the hell? I was no where near that lava! HAX!
Liara T'Soni: Help, help! I’m trapped inside an ancient plot device and my multiple archaeology degrees aren’t helping at all!
Shepherd: This ancient alien forcefield was obviously made by Microsoft. *presses the power off switch*
Forcefield: *fanfare*
Liara: Oh thank my generic goddess, I didn’t think the Protheans would be using windows 98. I thought they were supposed to be smart.
Shepherd: Guess we know why they died out. By the way, I’m still confused about what gender you Asari are.
Liara: That’s okay, so are the writers.
Shepherd: You mom is working with the Si- uh... Geth. What do you think about that?
Liara: Umm... you sure have purty eyes.
Tali: The love interest readings just spiked, Commander.
Shepherd: I just don’t do blue mystical alien space babes any more, okay! It was just a phase, like painting my room pink and listening to the Spice Girls.
Liara: Would you take me with you? The Geth want to drag me off for some B-movie fun.
Shepherd: Okay, fine, just leave me out of your sexcapades.
Liara: All that shooting and explosions started an earthquake!
Shepherd: What shooting and explosions? We just got here, lady.
Liara: Oh, my mistake. No rush then... care for tea and cake before we leave?
On the Normandy, it is karaoke night and Shepherd, rather than hear Joker butchering his way through “My Way” yet again, is forced to make small talk with her crew.
Kaiden: So this one time at Brain Camp...
Shepherd: ... *facepalm*
Kaiden: Did I mention I love sappy romance books and riding ponies? *head jiggle*
Shepherd: No, you did not.
Kaiden: I’m just a sweet sensitive soul really.
Shepherd: You really need to get out more, Lieutenant.
Kaiden: I did have a true love once you know, but I never put my whoo-whoo dilly in her cha-cha.
Shepherd: That explains a lot about you, flopsy.
Kaiden: Also, I can kill you with my brain, Ma’am.
Shepherd: I would love to see you try, dismissed.
Kaiden: (To Himself) D- did I just try to flirt with my superior officer? And accidentally deliver a death threat? Oh god, my head! *clutches temples*
*
Ashley: Aliens smell!
Shepherd: Yes, I believe you’ve made that point several times over now.
Ashley: So why did you let that turrian bunk with me? He keeps looking at me funny.
Shepherd: Oh I have a feeling it’s going to pay off later.
Ashley and Shepherd: *headbutt*
*
Wrex: I’ve been sent on a quest to find my great grandfather’s lost underpants.
Shepherd: Did you look in the drier?
Wrex: Oh, there they are! I owe you a great debt, Shepherd.
Bioware: *Laundromat Achievement*
Shepherd: *holds nose* There must be better ways to level up.
*
Liara: Oh Commander, were you worried about me?
Shepherd: Hell no, I just came to replenish my kol- uh, I mean, medi gel.
Liara: Your human ways of expression are just so fascinating to me, commander.
Shepherd: I am not going to have your lesbian love child, Violet.
Liara: *pout*
*
Joker: AND MORE, MUCH MORE THAN THIS! I DID IT.... MYYYYYYYY WAAAAAAAY!
Shepherd: Okay, that’s it! Screw you guys, I’m going to bed!
To be continued...