Mass Effect: The Abridged Version, continued yet again.
Previously, Shepherd rescued a blue teenager and listened to people talk about their feelings. Once again, she did not get laid.
Kaiden: Good morning, Shepherd. Is this a good time to talk about my feelings some more?
Shepherd: BRING ME SOME GODDAMN COFFEE! THAT’S AN ORDER!
Kaiden: Maybe I should come back later.
Shepherd: *chugs*
Kaiden: So um.... what do you think of Dr. Tsoni, Shepherd... er, Commander, Ma’am?
Shepherd: She’s blue.
Kaiden: There’s umm talk that you two umm might be umm... in...umm... volved. Umm.
Shepherd: Hah! I’d rather snog Wrex *mumbles* and have.
Kaiden: Oh that’s a relief, for the crew, I mean and you know... humanity and things.
Shepherd: Was there a point to any of this?
Kaiden: Um, oh yeah, one time at Brain Camp I had a really mean teacher. Don’t like... be like him.
Shepherd: *raises eyebrow* You sure migraines are the only side effect to your condition, flopsy?
*
Ashley: I’m reading my email!
Shepherd: Did you win the Salarian lottery again, Ash?
Ashley’s email: *tee hee* Kaiden has a great butt, hee!
Shepherd: *facepalm* This isn’t a warship, it’s a kindergarten!
Ashley: I hear he’s interested in someone else, anyway.
Shepherd: *phew* Guess we all dodged a bullet there. I pity the poor woman, man and/or alien he’s infatuated with.
Ashley: Bless you, Commander.
*
Liara: Commander, may I ask you something?
Shepherd: Oh go on then, everyone else wants a piece of me this morning.
Liara: Are you umm in umm volved with ummm... Lieutenant Kaiden?
Shepherd: Okay, that’s it! I’m going to go shoot something! Anyone not actively trying to get in my space pants can come along. The rest of you are confined to your quarters!
*
Shepherd: We’re whalers on the moon!
Ashley: Wow, the moon sucks!
Shepherd: At least this time the boring grey and monotonous landscape is accurate. And at least the only thing trying to get in my underwear is moon dust.
Tali: We are supposed to been disabling an evil computer or something.
Shepherd: Lemme guess, we are going to have to destroy all the processors that make up its artificial mind? Sounds familiar for some reason.
Tali: I’d be panting and sweating as I run through these grey corridors, but I think I may lack the necessary glands.
VI: How can you challenge an immortal machine, Daisy?! Would you like to hear me read a poem? Press 1 for the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, press 2 for Hyperion, press 3 for the Charge of the Light Brigade.
Shepherd: I probably should have brought Kaiden on this mission. He’d know how to relate to a killing machine with literary pretensions, I just want to shoot it.
Tali: One moment, Commander.*clears throat*
0111010101010001110101
0101101110101101010101
1011011110000001010101
1000101010101110101010
1110101010110101010101
0110101010101111101010
1010101011010110110110
1101101010111010111000
VI: That is the worst poem I’ve ever heard! *kills self*
Bioware:*Death By Poetry Achievement*
*
Garrus: Commander, isn’t there something we were supposed to be doing?
Shepherd: Oh yeah, save the galaxy. Thanks for reminding me. Joker, plot a course to Noveria.
Joker: Some people juggle geese!
Shepherd: Not on my ship they don’t.
*
Noveria is a cold planet inhabited by frigid bitches and corrupt capitalists.
Shepherd: Sounds like my kind of place!
Liara: Brrrrrr!
Garrus: Brrrrrr!
Bitchy security lady: Surrender your weapons.
Shepherd: Nu-uh!
Bitchy security lady: Yah-ha!
Shepherd: Nu-uh!
Bitchy security lady: Yah-ha!
Shepherd: ...Yah-ha!
Bitchy security lady: Nu-uh!
Shepherd: Aaah, gotcha!
Bitchy security lady: Damn it, I always fall for that one.
*
Ms. Pink: You'll need a pass to get out of the port and find Liara’s mom. I hear Mr. Orange has one.
Mr. Orange: I’m too irritated to give you a pass.
Ms. Pink: Why don’t you talk to Mr. Blue?
Mr. Blue: I’ll give you a pass if you can prove Mr. Orange is a bad guy.
Shepherd: Is anyone else a little confused? *shoots generic thugs*
Garrus: I thought it was just me.
Bitchy security lady: I totally saw that!
Shepherd: Oh shut up! *shoots her in the head*
*
Ms. Pink: I’m a cop! Give me the evidence!
Shepherd: She’s a cop!
Mr. Orange: OMG you’re a cop! *shoots everyone including self*
Shepherd: Awesome! *wipes multi-coloured bloodstains off pass* Now we get to drive through a icy tundra of death! That’s my second favourite kind of tundra!
Liara: Try not to drive off the cliff edge, Commander.
Shepherd: Ahahaha! That’s... actually pretty smart advice, considering my track record.
Garrus: Something is wrong with this illegal and dubious research facility.
Liara: Oh giant fleas everywhere, that can’t be right!
Shepherd: Thank goodness I brought extra bug spray!
Scientists: Oh why were so stupid? Why did we try to play god? Oh how could we ever have foreseen this?
Shepherd: Do we not watch any movies in the future?
*
Matriarch Benezia: I’m sensing hostility.
Shepherd: That’s because I’m here to fucking kill you.
Liara: Mommy!
Benezia: I’m sensing hostility.
Shepherd: They really didn’t give you many lines, huh? By the way, I love the outfit: It’s very Bondage Queen of Angmar.
Benezia: I’m sensing hostility.
Shepherd: You should have thought more about some protective qualities though. I mean, letting your Matriarchal blue boobies hang out? PUH-lease, I’m an Infiltrator and I specialized in the sniper rifle. *pulls trigger*
Benezia: I’m sensing... oh!
Liara: Mommy!
Benezia: Oh the pain! Oh the anguish! Oh, oh!
Shepherd: Oh stop milking it!
Benezia: But this is my only dramatic scene! Oh my heart! Oh my paws and whiskers! What have I done! What have I DONE! Oh noes!
Shepherd: *shoots Benezia again* Scene stealing hack!
Benezia: I need a better agent. Oh btw, Saren was looking for a specific relay lost in the inky black vastness of space! Oh my folly, oh! *dies*
Liara: Mommy!
Rachni Queen: *uses dead person as a puppet* Umm, hi.
Shepherd: Oh you’re a sentient giant flea, then. That’s a neat puppeteer treat, also.
Rachni: So you wanna let me go? Or are you going to dip me in acid?
Shepherd: What do you want me to do?
Rachni: I’d like to be let go.
Shepherd: Then why did you put the acid bath idea in my head?
Rachni: Umm... damn it!
Shepherd: You ever wonder why you guys died out in the first place?
Rachni: Doh!
Liara: I think we should let her go and then hug while surrounded by ponies and flowers and ponies.
Garrus: No, that’s boring, sludge it!
Shepherd: Yeah, I think that’s smart! We already exterminated your kids, afterall.
Rachni: Double doh! *melts*
Shepherd: Well, I guess it’s time to go back to the Normandy where everyone will want to talk to me about their feelings. I’d almost rather stay here with the bugs. *sigh*
To be continued...
Kaiden: Good morning, Shepherd. Is this a good time to talk about my feelings some more?
Shepherd: BRING ME SOME GODDAMN COFFEE! THAT’S AN ORDER!
Kaiden: Maybe I should come back later.
Shepherd: *chugs*
Kaiden: So um.... what do you think of Dr. Tsoni, Shepherd... er, Commander, Ma’am?
Shepherd: She’s blue.
Kaiden: There’s umm talk that you two umm might be umm... in...umm... volved. Umm.
Shepherd: Hah! I’d rather snog Wrex *mumbles* and have.
Kaiden: Oh that’s a relief, for the crew, I mean and you know... humanity and things.
Shepherd: Was there a point to any of this?
Kaiden: Um, oh yeah, one time at Brain Camp I had a really mean teacher. Don’t like... be like him.
Shepherd: *raises eyebrow* You sure migraines are the only side effect to your condition, flopsy?
*
Ashley: I’m reading my email!
Shepherd: Did you win the Salarian lottery again, Ash?
Ashley’s email: *tee hee* Kaiden has a great butt, hee!
Shepherd: *facepalm* This isn’t a warship, it’s a kindergarten!
Ashley: I hear he’s interested in someone else, anyway.
Shepherd: *phew* Guess we all dodged a bullet there. I pity the poor woman, man and/or alien he’s infatuated with.
Ashley: Bless you, Commander.
*
Liara: Commander, may I ask you something?
Shepherd: Oh go on then, everyone else wants a piece of me this morning.
Liara: Are you umm in umm volved with ummm... Lieutenant Kaiden?
Shepherd: Okay, that’s it! I’m going to go shoot something! Anyone not actively trying to get in my space pants can come along. The rest of you are confined to your quarters!
*
Shepherd: We’re whalers on the moon!
Ashley: Wow, the moon sucks!
Shepherd: At least this time the boring grey and monotonous landscape is accurate. And at least the only thing trying to get in my underwear is moon dust.
Tali: We are supposed to been disabling an evil computer or something.
Shepherd: Lemme guess, we are going to have to destroy all the processors that make up its artificial mind? Sounds familiar for some reason.
Tali: I’d be panting and sweating as I run through these grey corridors, but I think I may lack the necessary glands.
VI: How can you challenge an immortal machine, Daisy?! Would you like to hear me read a poem? Press 1 for the Rhyme of the Ancient Mariner, press 2 for Hyperion, press 3 for the Charge of the Light Brigade.
Shepherd: I probably should have brought Kaiden on this mission. He’d know how to relate to a killing machine with literary pretensions, I just want to shoot it.
Tali: One moment, Commander.*clears throat*
0111010101010001110101
0101101110101101010101
1011011110000001010101
1000101010101110101010
1110101010110101010101
0110101010101111101010
1010101011010110110110
1101101010111010111000
VI: That is the worst poem I’ve ever heard! *kills self*
Bioware:*Death By Poetry Achievement*
*
Garrus: Commander, isn’t there something we were supposed to be doing?
Shepherd: Oh yeah, save the galaxy. Thanks for reminding me. Joker, plot a course to Noveria.
Joker: Some people juggle geese!
Shepherd: Not on my ship they don’t.
*
Noveria is a cold planet inhabited by frigid bitches and corrupt capitalists.
Shepherd: Sounds like my kind of place!
Liara: Brrrrrr!
Garrus: Brrrrrr!
Bitchy security lady: Surrender your weapons.
Shepherd: Nu-uh!
Bitchy security lady: Yah-ha!
Shepherd: Nu-uh!
Bitchy security lady: Yah-ha!
Shepherd: ...Yah-ha!
Bitchy security lady: Nu-uh!
Shepherd: Aaah, gotcha!
Bitchy security lady: Damn it, I always fall for that one.
*
Ms. Pink: You'll need a pass to get out of the port and find Liara’s mom. I hear Mr. Orange has one.
Mr. Orange: I’m too irritated to give you a pass.
Ms. Pink: Why don’t you talk to Mr. Blue?
Mr. Blue: I’ll give you a pass if you can prove Mr. Orange is a bad guy.
Shepherd: Is anyone else a little confused? *shoots generic thugs*
Garrus: I thought it was just me.
Bitchy security lady: I totally saw that!
Shepherd: Oh shut up! *shoots her in the head*
*
Ms. Pink: I’m a cop! Give me the evidence!
Shepherd: She’s a cop!
Mr. Orange: OMG you’re a cop! *shoots everyone including self*
Shepherd: Awesome! *wipes multi-coloured bloodstains off pass* Now we get to drive through a icy tundra of death! That’s my second favourite kind of tundra!
Liara: Try not to drive off the cliff edge, Commander.
Shepherd: Ahahaha! That’s... actually pretty smart advice, considering my track record.
Garrus: Something is wrong with this illegal and dubious research facility.
Liara: Oh giant fleas everywhere, that can’t be right!
Shepherd: Thank goodness I brought extra bug spray!
Scientists: Oh why were so stupid? Why did we try to play god? Oh how could we ever have foreseen this?
Shepherd: Do we not watch any movies in the future?
*
Matriarch Benezia: I’m sensing hostility.
Shepherd: That’s because I’m here to fucking kill you.
Liara: Mommy!
Benezia: I’m sensing hostility.
Shepherd: They really didn’t give you many lines, huh? By the way, I love the outfit: It’s very Bondage Queen of Angmar.
Benezia: I’m sensing hostility.
Shepherd: You should have thought more about some protective qualities though. I mean, letting your Matriarchal blue boobies hang out? PUH-lease, I’m an Infiltrator and I specialized in the sniper rifle. *pulls trigger*
Benezia: I’m sensing... oh!
Liara: Mommy!
Benezia: Oh the pain! Oh the anguish! Oh, oh!
Shepherd: Oh stop milking it!
Benezia: But this is my only dramatic scene! Oh my heart! Oh my paws and whiskers! What have I done! What have I DONE! Oh noes!
Shepherd: *shoots Benezia again* Scene stealing hack!
Benezia: I need a better agent. Oh btw, Saren was looking for a specific relay lost in the inky black vastness of space! Oh my folly, oh! *dies*
Liara: Mommy!
Rachni Queen: *uses dead person as a puppet* Umm, hi.
Shepherd: Oh you’re a sentient giant flea, then. That’s a neat puppeteer treat, also.
Rachni: So you wanna let me go? Or are you going to dip me in acid?
Shepherd: What do you want me to do?
Rachni: I’d like to be let go.
Shepherd: Then why did you put the acid bath idea in my head?
Rachni: Umm... damn it!
Shepherd: You ever wonder why you guys died out in the first place?
Rachni: Doh!
Liara: I think we should let her go and then hug while surrounded by ponies and flowers and ponies.
Garrus: No, that’s boring, sludge it!
Shepherd: Yeah, I think that’s smart! We already exterminated your kids, afterall.
Rachni: Double doh! *melts*
Shepherd: Well, I guess it’s time to go back to the Normandy where everyone will want to talk to me about their feelings. I’d almost rather stay here with the bugs. *sigh*
To be continued...