Mass Effect: The Abridged Version, continued further yet more
Previously, Commander Shepherd shot a Bondage Queen in the tit. Shockingly, she still didn't get laid.
Alpha Council: Well done on helping Liara commit matricide.
Shepherd: Thank you, it was a pleasure.
Council: By the way, we got a burst of incomprehensible static from a planet. We want you to check it out.
Shepherd: Guys, tell me the truth, am I the only Spectre in the galaxy?
Council: We spent all the covet ops budget on sexy asari underwear.
*
Kaiden: So this one time in Brain Camp...
Shepherd: *facepalm*
Kaiden: I totally psychic kung-fued my teacher in the face.
Shepherd: Oh?
Kaiden: And killed him.
Shepherd: Really?
Kaiden: Yeah, did I mention he was a big mean alien?
Shepherd: Wow, you mean we actually have something in common? I like killing aliens and kicking people in the head too. Only I use my actual feet to do it.
Kaiden: *head jiggle*
Shepherd: Don’t push your luck, Lieutenant.
*
Ashley: I don’t want you bunking with me any more, smelly alien!
Garrus: Is this aggression some kind of human mating ritual?
Ashley: OMG WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
Garrus: Does this mean you want me to unlace my corset and spank you now?
Ashley... Actually that does sounds strangely appealing.
Garrus: Yee-haw!
Shepherd: *eavesdropping* Hah, I knew it! Inside every xenophobe is a xenophile waiting to come out.
*
The Normandy goes to Virmire, in search of static-speaking aliens.
Shepherd: Oh, this whole planet appears to be ankle deep in water.
Wrex: Try not to drive in to the ocean, Shepherd.
Shepherd: That joke is really getting old.
Salarian: Oh are you here to rescue us?
Shepherd: No, we are here to make you undertake a suicide mission while we steal all the glory.
Salarian: Oh good, btw Saren’s base is here and he’s found a way to breed Krogans.
Wrex: OMGWTFBBQ!
Shepherd: We need to introduce them to the pill.
Wrex: *throws bitchfit*
Shepherd: Aww Wrexie baby, aren’t we BFF? We even did laundry together, man.
Wrex: Yep, and there was that one drunken time we...
Shepherd: Yeah, that was...
Wrex: *snuggles*
*
Salarian: So, who’s up for a suicide mission? I need one of your crew, Shepherd. That way you’ll have something to care about when we all get slaughtered.
Kaiden: I volunteer for a suicide mission!
Shepherd: No, I need you need to watch- uh guard my rear
.
Ashley: I’ll do it! I mean, every mission with Shepherd is a suicide mission, really.
Shepherd: Whatever. *headbutt*
Joker: We set you up the bomb.
Shepherd: Nukes look like ladybirds in the future!
Kaiden: Okay I’m going to stay here and prep the bomb.
Ashley: *over coms link* Uh-oh, this suicide mission has turned out badly.
Shepherd: Oh fine, I’ll try to save your overly round behind!
Kaiden: Uh-oh, a Geth warship just fell on me!
Shepherd: Damn it!
Ashley: Save Kaiden!
Kaiden: Save Ashley!
Garrus: Save my bunk-buddy!
Wrex: Save my babies!
Shepherd: *flips a coin* Okay, we’re saving Kaiden.
Saren: I have a hover board, I’m such an Eighties villain.
Shepherd: Oh yeah, well I discovered that you are a pawn for a sentient spaceship that looks like a flea, loser.
Saren: Yeah, but at least I’m baddass about it. Check out my extreme cheek piercings!
Saren and Shepherd have a spectacular fight scene which could never be adequately described on the page.
Shepherd: Convenient.
Shut it. Anyway, just as something violent is about to happen, the nuke’s egg timer goes off and everyone freaks the hell out and scrambles away to their ships.
Kaiden: Oh noes, Ashley is dead.
Wrex: So’s everyone else that wasn’t part of our squad. Suicide mission, Kaiden: Got it memorised?
Garrus: I was looking forward to another “therapy session” with her, oh well.
Shepherd: You win some, lose some, it’s just a game to me.
Kaiden: But why’d you pick me over her, Commander?
Shepherd: Well... it was... destiny. The visions in my head told me to.
Wrex: Nice save, Harvey.
Alpha Council: So like, what happened? Did you find any static?
Shepherd: Soylent Green is people!
Council: Huh?
Shepherd: I mean, Rosebud was his sled!
Council: Is this one of those human humour things?
Shepherd: The real evil is Saren’ s spaceship, it’s a Raider... Reaver... uh Raver... something.
Council: Psssh, come back with evidence. *disconnect*
Shepherd: I am getting real tired of that.
To be continued...
Alpha Council: Well done on helping Liara commit matricide.
Shepherd: Thank you, it was a pleasure.
Council: By the way, we got a burst of incomprehensible static from a planet. We want you to check it out.
Shepherd: Guys, tell me the truth, am I the only Spectre in the galaxy?
Council: We spent all the covet ops budget on sexy asari underwear.
*
Kaiden: So this one time in Brain Camp...
Shepherd: *facepalm*
Kaiden: I totally psychic kung-fued my teacher in the face.
Shepherd: Oh?
Kaiden: And killed him.
Shepherd: Really?
Kaiden: Yeah, did I mention he was a big mean alien?
Shepherd: Wow, you mean we actually have something in common? I like killing aliens and kicking people in the head too. Only I use my actual feet to do it.
Kaiden: *head jiggle*
Shepherd: Don’t push your luck, Lieutenant.
*
Ashley: I don’t want you bunking with me any more, smelly alien!
Garrus: Is this aggression some kind of human mating ritual?
Ashley: OMG WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?
Garrus: Does this mean you want me to unlace my corset and spank you now?
Ashley... Actually that does sounds strangely appealing.
Garrus: Yee-haw!
Shepherd: *eavesdropping* Hah, I knew it! Inside every xenophobe is a xenophile waiting to come out.
*
The Normandy goes to Virmire, in search of static-speaking aliens.
Shepherd: Oh, this whole planet appears to be ankle deep in water.
Wrex: Try not to drive in to the ocean, Shepherd.
Shepherd: That joke is really getting old.
Salarian: Oh are you here to rescue us?
Shepherd: No, we are here to make you undertake a suicide mission while we steal all the glory.
Salarian: Oh good, btw Saren’s base is here and he’s found a way to breed Krogans.
Wrex: OMGWTFBBQ!
Shepherd: We need to introduce them to the pill.
Wrex: *throws bitchfit*
Shepherd: Aww Wrexie baby, aren’t we BFF? We even did laundry together, man.
Wrex: Yep, and there was that one drunken time we...
Shepherd: Yeah, that was...
Wrex: *snuggles*
*
Salarian: So, who’s up for a suicide mission? I need one of your crew, Shepherd. That way you’ll have something to care about when we all get slaughtered.
Kaiden: I volunteer for a suicide mission!
Shepherd: No, I need you need to watch- uh guard my rear
.
Ashley: I’ll do it! I mean, every mission with Shepherd is a suicide mission, really.
Shepherd: Whatever. *headbutt*
Joker: We set you up the bomb.
Shepherd: Nukes look like ladybirds in the future!
Kaiden: Okay I’m going to stay here and prep the bomb.
Ashley: *over coms link* Uh-oh, this suicide mission has turned out badly.
Shepherd: Oh fine, I’ll try to save your overly round behind!
Kaiden: Uh-oh, a Geth warship just fell on me!
Shepherd: Damn it!
Ashley: Save Kaiden!
Kaiden: Save Ashley!
Garrus: Save my bunk-buddy!
Wrex: Save my babies!
Shepherd: *flips a coin* Okay, we’re saving Kaiden.
Saren: I have a hover board, I’m such an Eighties villain.
Shepherd: Oh yeah, well I discovered that you are a pawn for a sentient spaceship that looks like a flea, loser.
Saren: Yeah, but at least I’m baddass about it. Check out my extreme cheek piercings!
Saren and Shepherd have a spectacular fight scene which could never be adequately described on the page.
Shepherd: Convenient.
Shut it. Anyway, just as something violent is about to happen, the nuke’s egg timer goes off and everyone freaks the hell out and scrambles away to their ships.
Kaiden: Oh noes, Ashley is dead.
Wrex: So’s everyone else that wasn’t part of our squad. Suicide mission, Kaiden: Got it memorised?
Garrus: I was looking forward to another “therapy session” with her, oh well.
Shepherd: You win some, lose some, it’s just a game to me.
Kaiden: But why’d you pick me over her, Commander?
Shepherd: Well... it was... destiny. The visions in my head told me to.
Wrex: Nice save, Harvey.
Alpha Council: So like, what happened? Did you find any static?
Shepherd: Soylent Green is people!
Council: Huh?
Shepherd: I mean, Rosebud was his sled!
Council: Is this one of those human humour things?
Shepherd: The real evil is Saren’ s spaceship, it’s a Raider... Reaver... uh Raver... something.
Council: Psssh, come back with evidence. *disconnect*
Shepherd: I am getting real tired of that.
To be continued...