Mass Effect: The Abridged Version: The Final Finality: Semi colon edition.
Previously Shepherd realises that the fate of the whole galaxy is resting on her shoulders, oh and she got laid, too.
Mako: *burns*
Shepherd: Notice how this happened the ONE TIME I let you drive?
Kaiden: Sorry, Ma’am.
Shepherd: So maybe you should stop cracking jokes about my driving skills?
Wrex: Time’s a-wasting, let’s get our kill on!
Shepherd: The elevator’s borked. Must be this shoddy twenty-second century electrical wiring!
Wrex: *shoots the wall*
Shepherd: Good thinking! Go, go gadget boots!
*
Saren: Grrr, I smoulder with rage! *shoots keepers for no good reason*
Sovreign: *flies around looking malignant*
Saren: Close the bay doors. Computer, close the bay doors.
Shepherd: *shoots geth and krogan all over the place*
Korgan: Wrex, my brutha!
Wrex: *headshot*
Kaiden: Look out Shepherd, the geth have a drop ship!
Shepherd: *shoots at it*
Kaiden: We could use the defence turrets to-
Geth ship: *Explodes*
Shepherd: What were you saying, L.T?
Kaiden: Never mind.
Shepherd: Quick, to the cherry orchard!
*
Saren: Nothing can stop me, mwuhahaha!
Shepherd: Yeah, too bad you are just a puppet for a flea ship.
Saren: I’m perfected by metal! See how I shine! *ting*
Shepherd: And it hurts like hell when you try to resist the will of the machine! You are a weak meat puppet thing dancing for the sovereign’s amusement!
Saren: Are not!
Shepherd: Are so! Times infinity!
Saren: D’argh, curse you and your wily human logic! *shoots self in the head*
Shepherd: *watching Saren fall dramatically through the glass floor* Who wants to estimate the odds on him getting up again in less than five minutes?
Wrex: About one to one, Commander.
Shepherd: I need a computer! Oh, there’s one. *uses Protheian maguffin* Hey, guys I have
control of the citadel!
Joker: Oh those alien fraternity council guys are in big trouble, should we help them?
Shepherd: After the way they hazed us? Hell no, screw them! Go blow up the bad guy!
Joker: Wow this is a stunningly well-rendered space battle. Too bad you can’t see it, Commander.
Shepherd: Yeah, too bad. Let’s go poke Saren’s corpse with a stick.
Saren: Rawr! I have LEDs! Bite my shiny metal butt!
Sovereign: *explodes to bits*
Saren: *gets shot to bits*
Shepherd: Oh shit! The Sovereign fell on my head!
Kaiden: Thank god I won’t die a virgin!
Wrex: This is all a bit anti-climatic. *naps*
Shepherd: It’s only a flesh wound! *limps*
Kaiden: I didn’t say anything. You must have all imagined it. Yes, that’s it!
*
Ambassador: Oh looks like the council is dead! Let’s seize power for humanity!
Shepherd: Yay!
Ambassador: We need to decide on an absolute ruler! Shepherd, who do you support?
Shepherd: Can I be Queen?
Ambassador: No!
Shepherd: Then I don’t give a damn! *walks off*
*
Kaiden: So, looks like we all survived then. Apart from Ashley, of course.
Shepherd: Yeah, unlikely outcome considering my judgement.
Kaiden: Care for Space Sex, Commander?
Shepherd: That depends, Alenko .*slips an arm around his waist* What’s your policy on krogan in the bedroom?
Wrex: *head jiggle*
Kaiden: *takes painkillers*
Roll credits.
Emmanuelle Shepherd gained the following (in game as opposed to ones she made up for funnies) achievements:
MEDAL OF HONOUR: COMMITTED GENOCIDE ON AT LEAST THREE PLANETS, GRANTS 5% DISCOUNT AT MACDONALD'S.
COMPLETIONIST: DROVE AROUND ON THE MOON ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS TO THE SEA OF TRANQUILLITY, GRANTS THE ABILITY TO SINK INTO A TRANCE LIKE STATE AT THE WHEEL.
TACTICIAN: USED CIVILIANS AS HUMAN SHIELDS RATHER THAN GET WOUNDED, MAKES POLITICIANS LIKE YOU BETTER.
DISTINGUISHED SERVICE MEDAL: RAN AROUND A BIT ON EDEN PRIME.
MEDAL OF HEROISM: RAN AROUND A BIT ON FEROS.
COUNCIL LEGION OF MERIT: RAN AROUND A BIT ON NOVERIA.
PARAMOUR, AKA “SPACE SLUT”: SHAG SOMETHING VAGUELY HUMANOID, MAKES IT HARDER TO AVOID S.T.D. INFECTION, BUT GRANTS A BONUS TO CHARISMA.
MARY-SUE LICENSE: GRANTS ABILITY TO BE AWESOME JUST BY SITTING QUIETLY IN A ROOM. JUST BETTER THAN YOU PLEBES, THAT’S ALL.
SEARCH AND RESCUE: GRANTED FOR BEING ABLE TO SHUT DOWN WINDOWS ‘98. WOOP-DE-DOO.
CHARISMATIC: GRANTED FOR GETTING WREX TO SNUGGLE IN TIMES OF PERSONAL CRISIS. AAW.
RENEGADE: GRANTED FOR ACTING PRAGMATIC IF A LITTLE TRIGGER HAPPY, WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE?
DOG OF WAR: GRANTED FOR KILLING ALL THOSE ORGANIC MEATBAG SCUM.
GETH HUNTER: GRANTED FOR DISMANTLING ALL THOSE METALLIC SOCKET-SUCKERS.
SCHOLAR: YES, SHEPHERD CAN PRESS THE E BUTTON, YAY!
MEDAL OF EXPLORATION: GRANTED FOR BEING ABLE TO PERFORM LEFT-CLICKING. WELL DONE, SOLDIER.
RICH: CAPITALISM IS ITS OWN REWARD, ALSO I HAVE A BETTER SNIPER RIFLE NOW.
PISTOL EXPERT: EXECUTIONS COUNT, RIGHT?
SNIPER EXPERT: YOU DON’T HAVE TO HEAR THEM SCREAM THIS WAY.
AI HACKING SPECIALIST: NO I WILL NOT JUST POUR "OMNIGOO" ON IT, ASHLEY.
SABOTAGE SPECIALIST: OH IS THAT WHAT THAT BUTTON DID?
The End.
Mako: *burns*
Shepherd: Notice how this happened the ONE TIME I let you drive?
Kaiden: Sorry, Ma’am.
Shepherd: So maybe you should stop cracking jokes about my driving skills?
Wrex: Time’s a-wasting, let’s get our kill on!
Shepherd: The elevator’s borked. Must be this shoddy twenty-second century electrical wiring!
Wrex: *shoots the wall*
Shepherd: Good thinking! Go, go gadget boots!
*
Saren: Grrr, I smoulder with rage! *shoots keepers for no good reason*
Sovreign: *flies around looking malignant*
Saren: Close the bay doors. Computer, close the bay doors.
Shepherd: *shoots geth and krogan all over the place*
Korgan: Wrex, my brutha!
Wrex: *headshot*
Kaiden: Look out Shepherd, the geth have a drop ship!
Shepherd: *shoots at it*
Kaiden: We could use the defence turrets to-
Geth ship: *Explodes*
Shepherd: What were you saying, L.T?
Kaiden: Never mind.
Shepherd: Quick, to the cherry orchard!
*
Saren: Nothing can stop me, mwuhahaha!
Shepherd: Yeah, too bad you are just a puppet for a flea ship.
Saren: I’m perfected by metal! See how I shine! *ting*
Shepherd: And it hurts like hell when you try to resist the will of the machine! You are a weak meat puppet thing dancing for the sovereign’s amusement!
Saren: Are not!
Shepherd: Are so! Times infinity!
Saren: D’argh, curse you and your wily human logic! *shoots self in the head*
Shepherd: *watching Saren fall dramatically through the glass floor* Who wants to estimate the odds on him getting up again in less than five minutes?
Wrex: About one to one, Commander.
Shepherd: I need a computer! Oh, there’s one. *uses Protheian maguffin* Hey, guys I have
control of the citadel!
Joker: Oh those alien fraternity council guys are in big trouble, should we help them?
Shepherd: After the way they hazed us? Hell no, screw them! Go blow up the bad guy!
Joker: Wow this is a stunningly well-rendered space battle. Too bad you can’t see it, Commander.
Shepherd: Yeah, too bad. Let’s go poke Saren’s corpse with a stick.
Saren: Rawr! I have LEDs! Bite my shiny metal butt!
Sovereign: *explodes to bits*
Saren: *gets shot to bits*
Shepherd: Oh shit! The Sovereign fell on my head!
Kaiden: Thank god I won’t die a virgin!
Wrex: This is all a bit anti-climatic. *naps*
Shepherd: It’s only a flesh wound! *limps*
Kaiden: I didn’t say anything. You must have all imagined it. Yes, that’s it!
*
Ambassador: Oh looks like the council is dead! Let’s seize power for humanity!
Shepherd: Yay!
Ambassador: We need to decide on an absolute ruler! Shepherd, who do you support?
Shepherd: Can I be Queen?
Ambassador: No!
Shepherd: Then I don’t give a damn! *walks off*
*
Kaiden: So, looks like we all survived then. Apart from Ashley, of course.
Shepherd: Yeah, unlikely outcome considering my judgement.
Kaiden: Care for Space Sex, Commander?
Shepherd: That depends, Alenko .*slips an arm around his waist* What’s your policy on krogan in the bedroom?
Wrex: *head jiggle*
Kaiden: *takes painkillers*
Roll credits.
Emmanuelle Shepherd gained the following (in game as opposed to ones she made up for funnies) achievements:
MEDAL OF HONOUR: COMMITTED GENOCIDE ON AT LEAST THREE PLANETS, GRANTS 5% DISCOUNT AT MACDONALD'S.
COMPLETIONIST: DROVE AROUND ON THE MOON ASKING FOR DIRECTIONS TO THE SEA OF TRANQUILLITY, GRANTS THE ABILITY TO SINK INTO A TRANCE LIKE STATE AT THE WHEEL.
TACTICIAN: USED CIVILIANS AS HUMAN SHIELDS RATHER THAN GET WOUNDED, MAKES POLITICIANS LIKE YOU BETTER.
DISTINGUISHED SERVICE MEDAL: RAN AROUND A BIT ON EDEN PRIME.
MEDAL OF HEROISM: RAN AROUND A BIT ON FEROS.
COUNCIL LEGION OF MERIT: RAN AROUND A BIT ON NOVERIA.
PARAMOUR, AKA “SPACE SLUT”: SHAG SOMETHING VAGUELY HUMANOID, MAKES IT HARDER TO AVOID S.T.D. INFECTION, BUT GRANTS A BONUS TO CHARISMA.
MARY-SUE LICENSE: GRANTS ABILITY TO BE AWESOME JUST BY SITTING QUIETLY IN A ROOM. JUST BETTER THAN YOU PLEBES, THAT’S ALL.
SEARCH AND RESCUE: GRANTED FOR BEING ABLE TO SHUT DOWN WINDOWS ‘98. WOOP-DE-DOO.
CHARISMATIC: GRANTED FOR GETTING WREX TO SNUGGLE IN TIMES OF PERSONAL CRISIS. AAW.
RENEGADE: GRANTED FOR ACTING PRAGMATIC IF A LITTLE TRIGGER HAPPY, WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE?
DOG OF WAR: GRANTED FOR KILLING ALL THOSE ORGANIC MEATBAG SCUM.
GETH HUNTER: GRANTED FOR DISMANTLING ALL THOSE METALLIC SOCKET-SUCKERS.
SCHOLAR: YES, SHEPHERD CAN PRESS THE E BUTTON, YAY!
MEDAL OF EXPLORATION: GRANTED FOR BEING ABLE TO PERFORM LEFT-CLICKING. WELL DONE, SOLDIER.
RICH: CAPITALISM IS ITS OWN REWARD, ALSO I HAVE A BETTER SNIPER RIFLE NOW.
PISTOL EXPERT: EXECUTIONS COUNT, RIGHT?
SNIPER EXPERT: YOU DON’T HAVE TO HEAR THEM SCREAM THIS WAY.
AI HACKING SPECIALIST: NO I WILL NOT JUST POUR "OMNIGOO" ON IT, ASHLEY.
SABOTAGE SPECIALIST: OH IS THAT WHAT THAT BUTTON DID?
The End.