OK, so yeah.
I do need to catch up. The last entry I posted was May 2008. After reading my other friends' LJ's, and doing a little thinking, there is something I really, really wanted to post. (Warning: extreme rant-age to follow)
Obviously, Jared Perdue and I broke up. I was re-reading some private entries I posted, and the more I read, the more convinced I am that this is a good thing, even though I loved him from the depths of my soul. I seriously do not think I could love someone again as much as I loved him. I do not know why I loved him so damn much, I just did.
I tried so hard to make him happy, even when it came to money and favors, but I apparently failed, which does make me sad. I dislike failing at anything, but it is worse when it comes to failing at relationships...
Until Jared changes his hateful demeanor, I do not think he can open himself up for any sort of relationship ever again.
Hell, I don't believe I have a hateful demeanor and *I* am having trouble opening myself back up again.
A private entry I posted shortly after we got back from Ireland/Scotland made me think.. I paid for his whole. fucking. trip...and he treated me AWFULLY. I think he thanked me once or twice for buying him stuff and paying for his trip, but all the other crap he did just about nullifies that. Of course I was no angel on that trip either but I think those 3 weeks were possibly our worst time together. I still don't know if I really truly regret paying for him to go or not. I wish I had $5,000 back but at the same time, he really helped me so much (moving my luggage, helping me be on time for things, etc). So, it's both good and bad I suppose.
Jared has it in his head that I am a terrible person, and he liked to rub it in my face every day in the music department last semester. Of course, I am 100% the enemy, everything that happened in our relationship is 100% my fault, I am 100% a slutty, lying girl.
It's things like this that makes me glad to be away from him:
- Chiding me for wearing makeup or wearing something low-neck, because according to him, if I really loved him I would wear things that are conservative. I guess being the girl in the relationship meant that if I loved him, I'd do exactly as he wished, because if I pulled that same line on him, he'd get mad at me. He was always pulling the bottom of my shirt down if it exposed my back, pulling my tops up if it exposed too much cleavage, or pulling my skirts down if they were too short.
- Interrupting me if I was trying to have a conversation with him. It was most annoying whenever we were arguing and I could not finish a thought because he was interrupting me...then he'd say, "it's called conversation MEG. You talk, I talk." A couple of times he said that he HAD to interrupt me because if he didn't, he couldn't get a word in because I talked "too damn much." **There is no human way, unless one spoke 10,000 words per minute, elaborating on every subject known to man, and never took a breath, that another would find it impossible to wait until the end of a statement was finished to speak. **
- Embellishing things that happened. Like the one time when we'd both had too much to drink and we were walking to his place. He was walking unusually fast and I was feeling very sick and having trouble keeping up with him. Finally when he was almost 1/2 of a block away I called to him to please slow down (to no avail). I then said that he was also walking a longer way, and I was going to walk a faster way. He called back to me to speed up. I said I couldn't, because I was feeling very sick. ..............then when we finally got back to his place he called me a couple of bad things and claimed that I screamed at him, while being drunk as piss (not so, I was just feeling sick), and we almost got arrested because a cop drove by. I was too infuriated, so I just went and got sick in his bathroom while he complained to his roommate how crazy, drunk, and loud I was.
- His general hatred of women. Most of my girl friends, to him, were either whores or bitches. This is true to an extent, but you just gotta take people for who they are and try to get past their bad points. It's very nice to be friends with whoever I want now without someone getting mad at me for it.
- If he was mad, there was nothing I could do to remedy it. And I mean, NOTHING. No amount of talking, kisses&hugs, presents, anything would help. Before he ended things with me for good, he lectured me on how I hadn't called him for days. Well, I actually dreaded calling him, because when I DID call him, he would not talk to me. I'd try to act happy and tell him about my day, and then when I'd try to initiate conversation all I'd get was complete silence, or one-word responses. Or, he'd talk about negative things about me...
All I can say is I tried really hard. I fucked some things up, it's true, but I feel like he sabotaged our relationship faaaaar more than I did. He will say that I am a more flawed person than he is. In fact, I will tell you my flaws, right out:
- I am always late (this was the biggest thing with him).
- I forget things a lot. (I'd overschedule myself and have, say, a meeting on a night when we were supposed to have a date. That was the end of the world to him).
- I am really self-conscious and worry too much about what other people think of me (hence things like makeup, this also has a hand in me always being late)
- I am really messy.
- I talk too much.
- I'm pretty ditzy.
- I am too nice and forgive people too quickly (I am not sure if this is a good or bad trait, but I put it under a bad trait because Jared considered it one - he never forgives or gives people another chance. He yelled at me for a very long time because I wished one of my ex's a happy birthday via text message, and then he told me a funny joke about woodchucks).
I am NOT, however:
- A liar (even though he may say that I am...I don't embellish situations as much as he does, so perhaps that makes HIM the liar, in a way).
- A cheater (all I did was go eat lunch with a guy friend of mine, I worded my words wrongly when I told him, and Jared ended things with me...even when I tried to tell him that it WAS NOT a date).
- A lesbian (I like dancing with my girl friends, not kissing or sleeping with them...thank you very much)
- A whore (Even when I tried to have a one night stand after Jared and I broke up, that one guy still became my boyfriend).
- Vain (quite the opposite, I have to work hard to get myself to look halfway decent).
And then he tried to tell our friends to choose between him or me. Really?? REALLY???? And he calls me the immature one...
Joe Swindell has been my savior through all this. I really think I'd have died of heartbreak had I not met him.
It touches me how much he likes/loves me. Even when he knew I was still attached to Jared, he still wanted to be with me...even though I am a scatterbrained, flaky girl most of the time...he still cares for me...
It's almost damned confusing, but he is awesome and I love him too. What a good man...
sigh...
Anyway, yes, this year has been full of significant changes to my personal life...who I thought was my soulmate broke up with me...a guy I tried to have a one-night stand with to get over said soulmate is now possibly my new soulmate...a good friend of mine betrayed me in one of the worst way possible (when I specifically asked her not to) but I have forgiven her (it is also getting easier every day to forget it too)...I passed Praxis II after 2 years so I can student teach in the fall...Grandma said she'd buy me a house in Roanoke next year if she could live there with me...
Oh, and the most recent news, Joe got a job here in Radford and he is going to sign the lease at my house to live here while he works. I'd say it's a huge deal but Ashley and her boyfriend already live here, and Joe stays here most of the time anyway...so I guess it's not much of a change.
He is a nice boy. And I love nice people. <3
Obviously, Jared Perdue and I broke up. I was re-reading some private entries I posted, and the more I read, the more convinced I am that this is a good thing, even though I loved him from the depths of my soul. I seriously do not think I could love someone again as much as I loved him. I do not know why I loved him so damn much, I just did.
I tried so hard to make him happy, even when it came to money and favors, but I apparently failed, which does make me sad. I dislike failing at anything, but it is worse when it comes to failing at relationships...
Until Jared changes his hateful demeanor, I do not think he can open himself up for any sort of relationship ever again.
Hell, I don't believe I have a hateful demeanor and *I* am having trouble opening myself back up again.
A private entry I posted shortly after we got back from Ireland/Scotland made me think.. I paid for his whole. fucking. trip...and he treated me AWFULLY. I think he thanked me once or twice for buying him stuff and paying for his trip, but all the other crap he did just about nullifies that. Of course I was no angel on that trip either but I think those 3 weeks were possibly our worst time together. I still don't know if I really truly regret paying for him to go or not. I wish I had $5,000 back but at the same time, he really helped me so much (moving my luggage, helping me be on time for things, etc). So, it's both good and bad I suppose.
Jared has it in his head that I am a terrible person, and he liked to rub it in my face every day in the music department last semester. Of course, I am 100% the enemy, everything that happened in our relationship is 100% my fault, I am 100% a slutty, lying girl.
It's things like this that makes me glad to be away from him:
- Chiding me for wearing makeup or wearing something low-neck, because according to him, if I really loved him I would wear things that are conservative. I guess being the girl in the relationship meant that if I loved him, I'd do exactly as he wished, because if I pulled that same line on him, he'd get mad at me. He was always pulling the bottom of my shirt down if it exposed my back, pulling my tops up if it exposed too much cleavage, or pulling my skirts down if they were too short.
- Interrupting me if I was trying to have a conversation with him. It was most annoying whenever we were arguing and I could not finish a thought because he was interrupting me...then he'd say, "it's called conversation MEG. You talk, I talk." A couple of times he said that he HAD to interrupt me because if he didn't, he couldn't get a word in because I talked "too damn much." **There is no human way, unless one spoke 10,000 words per minute, elaborating on every subject known to man, and never took a breath, that another would find it impossible to wait until the end of a statement was finished to speak. **
- Embellishing things that happened. Like the one time when we'd both had too much to drink and we were walking to his place. He was walking unusually fast and I was feeling very sick and having trouble keeping up with him. Finally when he was almost 1/2 of a block away I called to him to please slow down (to no avail). I then said that he was also walking a longer way, and I was going to walk a faster way. He called back to me to speed up. I said I couldn't, because I was feeling very sick. ..............then when we finally got back to his place he called me a couple of bad things and claimed that I screamed at him, while being drunk as piss (not so, I was just feeling sick), and we almost got arrested because a cop drove by. I was too infuriated, so I just went and got sick in his bathroom while he complained to his roommate how crazy, drunk, and loud I was.
- His general hatred of women. Most of my girl friends, to him, were either whores or bitches. This is true to an extent, but you just gotta take people for who they are and try to get past their bad points. It's very nice to be friends with whoever I want now without someone getting mad at me for it.
- If he was mad, there was nothing I could do to remedy it. And I mean, NOTHING. No amount of talking, kisses&hugs, presents, anything would help. Before he ended things with me for good, he lectured me on how I hadn't called him for days. Well, I actually dreaded calling him, because when I DID call him, he would not talk to me. I'd try to act happy and tell him about my day, and then when I'd try to initiate conversation all I'd get was complete silence, or one-word responses. Or, he'd talk about negative things about me...
All I can say is I tried really hard. I fucked some things up, it's true, but I feel like he sabotaged our relationship faaaaar more than I did. He will say that I am a more flawed person than he is. In fact, I will tell you my flaws, right out:
- I am always late (this was the biggest thing with him).
- I forget things a lot. (I'd overschedule myself and have, say, a meeting on a night when we were supposed to have a date. That was the end of the world to him).
- I am really self-conscious and worry too much about what other people think of me (hence things like makeup, this also has a hand in me always being late)
- I am really messy.
- I talk too much.
- I'm pretty ditzy.
- I am too nice and forgive people too quickly (I am not sure if this is a good or bad trait, but I put it under a bad trait because Jared considered it one - he never forgives or gives people another chance. He yelled at me for a very long time because I wished one of my ex's a happy birthday via text message, and then he told me a funny joke about woodchucks).
I am NOT, however:
- A liar (even though he may say that I am...I don't embellish situations as much as he does, so perhaps that makes HIM the liar, in a way).
- A cheater (all I did was go eat lunch with a guy friend of mine, I worded my words wrongly when I told him, and Jared ended things with me...even when I tried to tell him that it WAS NOT a date).
- A lesbian (I like dancing with my girl friends, not kissing or sleeping with them...thank you very much)
- A whore (Even when I tried to have a one night stand after Jared and I broke up, that one guy still became my boyfriend).
- Vain (quite the opposite, I have to work hard to get myself to look halfway decent).
And then he tried to tell our friends to choose between him or me. Really?? REALLY???? And he calls me the immature one...
Joe Swindell has been my savior through all this. I really think I'd have died of heartbreak had I not met him.
It touches me how much he likes/loves me. Even when he knew I was still attached to Jared, he still wanted to be with me...even though I am a scatterbrained, flaky girl most of the time...he still cares for me...
It's almost damned confusing, but he is awesome and I love him too. What a good man...
sigh...
Anyway, yes, this year has been full of significant changes to my personal life...who I thought was my soulmate broke up with me...a guy I tried to have a one-night stand with to get over said soulmate is now possibly my new soulmate...a good friend of mine betrayed me in one of the worst way possible (when I specifically asked her not to) but I have forgiven her (it is also getting easier every day to forget it too)...I passed Praxis II after 2 years so I can student teach in the fall...Grandma said she'd buy me a house in Roanoke next year if she could live there with me...
Oh, and the most recent news, Joe got a job here in Radford and he is going to sign the lease at my house to live here while he works. I'd say it's a huge deal but Ashley and her boyfriend already live here, and Joe stays here most of the time anyway...so I guess it's not much of a change.
He is a nice boy. And I love nice people. <3