ohmiya sk fic (old one)
storage...
Title: Draw / Drawing
Genre: Fiction - Fan, Music
Theme/s: Shounen Ai, Romance, Drama, Angst, Sex, etc.
Fandom: JE - Arashi
Pairings: Ohmiya
Characters: Satoshi Ohno, Kazunari Ninomiya, Jun Matsumoto, Yuki-chan
Rating: R - 18
Summary: uh...no
Notes: The concept has been brewing in my head for sometime now. Ever since I lost my inspiration, I had a hard time trying to find it again and bringing it back. I was struggling with so many things but telling myself not to cry. But I did. I fell into the trap and gave in. I wasn't suppose to but I did. I told myself emo boy didn't mean anything to me but apparently he did. This is how I tried to cope and this is what came out.
Disclaimer: Waive my rights of ownership of the characters. Uh-huh...story's fictional...
~~~~~~~~~~
Ohno Satoshi can draw.
Everyone knew, out of all the members of Arashi, he's the one who can draw. His name is most often associated with art and drawing and when someone needs something art-related, all fingers point to him or in his direction. Be it a sketch or a painting, Satoshi is the one to ask for. He's the one who can manipulate art with his hands, using anything and everything as his medium, from pencils, paintbrushes and crayons to pens, wax and even a mouse.* Rumor even has it that, when he's working, his eyes go "possessed" because he's so concentrated that he 'cannot be disturbed'. And always, if not often, his drawings turn out perfectly - just the way he wanted them too.
Yes, Ohno Satoshi can draw. And he can draw very well.
So why is it that he couldn't draw the one thing that means the world to him?
~~~~~
Satoshi sat down on the edge of the balcony that separated the patio from the garden. He loved to sit at the edge and to swing his legs against it, pretending that he was sitting on the edge of a boarding dock and the sea was beneath him. And he always, always had his sketch pad with him. Nobody saw him without it. Even when he was working, he always brought it with him, regardless of whether or not he used it.
That's where he could be found right now, sitting down and fawning over his latest sketch. His head was laid low, crouching over closely to the pad while his hands and fingers worked furiously. When he stopped, he stared at what he drew. Scrunching up his face, he ripped the paper from the pad, crumpled it into a ball and threw it away. He tried to draw another on a fresh page but the same thing happened - he wasn't satisfied with his work. This kept on again and again until several crumpled balls were scattered on the grass.
Satoshi frowned. He sighed and frowned. He'd been having this problem for sometime now. He didn't know why but usually he could draw. He can still draw; he just couldn't draw the way he wanted to - perfectly, like a master work of art. He can still draw on demand and at any time. He was just having a hard time making it perfect.
But the fact is, he couldn't make it perfect. No matter how hard he tried or how long he drew, he couldn't make a single drawing meet his standards. And when this happens, he got frustrated. Angry but tried again just to make it right.
He knew he couldn't make the drawing, any drawing right. And he knew there was a problem. He didn't wanna say it, didn't wanna acknowledge it, didn't even want to know that it existed but yet, it was there. It was always there. He just didn't want to deal with it.
There was nothing wrong, really. That's what he kept telling himself and everyone else when they asked him the "daijoubou?" question. He couldn't tell them the truth. What was the truth? That I suddenly lost my inspiration?? The one that causes me to draw whenever I wish, thereby helping me find my ultimate hapiness in the process?? The one that helps me see the world through different eyes and causes my imagination to run wild?? The one that lulls me to sleep at night when nothing else does?? How can I tell everyone that?? Is that really a problem? Is that really the truth?
Satoshi closed his eyes and squeezed it very tight. He dropped his pencil and started rubbing his forehead, feeling a migraine coming on. He took a deep breath and sighed, feeling frustrated again. He set his sketch pad aside and jumped off the balcony, landing on his feet above the grass. He couldn't take it anymore. There was no way he could ever finish what he drew or start drawing a new one. After all, his inspiration was gone. There was no way he could ever get it back. He gave up trying to satisfy his mind by drawing something because nothing was working. He just couldn't make it work.
He went back inside the house and locked himself into his room. He threw his pad down the floor, plopped himself on the bed and pressed a pillow to his face. He couldn't understand how and why it happened but somehow he lost his inspiration. If anyone knew better, they knew he needed it like he needed his art. Without it, he couldn't breathe, couldn't even live. Even he couldn't imagine being without it and not doing his art. He tried to remember how he lost it and how it all began...and ended...
~~~~~
Satoshi looked down at the guy standing in front of him, trying to process what just happened. He couldn't believe it, couldn't believe what his own ears had just heard.
"Sammi...I...I love you..."
He couldn't believe it. The person who told him the words, those three words he so longed to hear, was none other than his muse - Kazunari Ninomiya. The guy who wouldn't give him even the time of the day. The guy he never understood. The guy he'd be willing to risk his life for. The guy he loved for so long, it hurt. The only one he could ever love, so much that he, Nino, inspired him.
He was trying to leave, turning his back on the other and moving towards the door when it happened. When he turned and started walking across the room, there it was. Nino blurted it out. "I love you." No enthusiastic tone of voice to indicate usage of an exclamation point. No soft, melodious one to signal a loving one. No raspy, low suggestive one to seduce him. Just a trembling, hesistant and wobbly kind of voice saying the most important words one could ever utter. There were no pretty adjectives or flowery verbs to cover it up, just a fancy, dressed-down, in the raw kind of delivery. And a pretty bad one, if someone asked Satoshi.
Satoshi didn't know what to make of Nino's sudden declaration. One minute, they were just talking. Nino had suddenly become uneasy and he wanted to help but Nino wouldn't tell him what was wrong. Then the next, Nino was suddenly saying "I love you" to him? What's going on here? He didn't know how to react and suddenly felt something rise up his throat. Next thing he knew, a large cracking sound reverberated around the room as his hand slapped Nino's face. Nino's head was facing the side, a large rose patch forming on the left side of his face.
He didn't notice what he had done after Nino winced. He was too angry, breathing heavily and eyes becoming black and hooded.
"DAMN YOU!! GOD DAMN YOU!!" He yelled at Nino. "What the hell do you think you're doing???"
He didn't answer. Just twisted his head back to face Satoshi.
Satoshi grabbed his left arm and gripped it tightly, shaking it. "I said, what are you doing?? Was that some kind of a joke??"
Satoshi was angry. Angry at him but he didn't say it out loud. Instead, he answered sarcastically, "I'm telling you I love you. What does it look I'm doing?"
"OH FUCK YOU, KAZUNARI!!! GOD FUCK YOU!!!" He shoved the younger one back away from him. "What the hell were you thinking??"
He walked up to the younger boy, tears forming in his eyes. His hands formed into balls on his sides. He started pounding them on Nino's chest. "You think you can do this to me?? You can't!! You just can't!!! You just can't keep on doing this!! You just can't go in here and say you love me!! You say all these things that don't really mean anything and hurt me just like that!! You gotta stop hurting me!! You can't go on and hurt me!! You can't...You can't..." His pounding slowed and weakened, his hands gripping the front of Kazunari's shirt. Sobs were coming out of his mouth and tears were streaming down his eyes as he rested his forehead against the other's chest.
"I'm sorry..." Nino said softly, after Satoshi had calmed down a bit. He wrapped his arms around his leader and kissed his head. "I didn't mean for you to find out this way but..." He sighed. "...I knew I had to tell you before I left."
Satoshi loosened his grip on the shirtfront. He looked up, his eyes going big. "Wh-what?" He sniffled. "You're-you're leaving?"
He looked away, unable to meet Toshi's eyes. "Yeah...I meant to tell you but..."
"Does everyone else know?"
"Yeah, and..." He continued speaking, not caring to appease Satoshi's feelings that he was the last to know.
"...I couldn't find the right time to tell you...." Satoshi couldn't hear what he was saying after that because his ears suddenly shut off. He only heard bits and pieces like "leaving" and "hollywood" and something else but his mind wouldn't let him process it. The tears started flowing again and sobs were crying out repetedly. He let go of Nino's shirt and took a step back.
"Sammi...don't be like this." Nino reached out to pull him back into his arms but he only stepped back further.
"No!" He bit out. "Stop it!! Stop this!! Get away from me!!"
"Sammi, I love you!!" He pleaded, as if saying it would make everything all right.
"How can you say that?? I've waited all this time for you to say that and you only do it now?? It took for you to be leaving to say that to me?? Why, why??" He wiped the tears from his eyes. "Maybe you should leave more often. Or maybe I should! So you could see how I feel!!"
Satoshi shook his head. "It doesn't matter anyway. You're too late. I..I don't love you anymore." It hurt him to say the truth out loud. "Its too many years too late. I've loved you. Always have. But I knew you would never love me back so I gave up. I gave up and accepted the fact that you didn't love me, that you weren't that way. I've made peace with it and moved on. But now, here you are, telling me you love me when I've already found someone else. You just can't do that! You just can't..."
"You've found someone? Who?"
"Yuki! My girlfriend - remember?"
For a moment there, Nino had forgotten. But yeah, he remembered. Every night, he remembered. He remembered with bitterness and regret in his heart.
He rolled his eyes and nodded. "Oh yeah...That one. How could I forget??"
Satoshi glared at him. Then he turned around and walked towards the door.
"Satoshi!! Wait!!" Nino yelled after him but he had already closed the door behind him. Nino sank down on the floor and covered his face with his hands. He made such a mess of things and now, he just lost the one person he loved the most in his world. Truly, what had he just done??
**********
Satoshi closed the door behind him. He ran to the nearest restroom to wash his face. He didn't want anyone seeing his red face and blotchy eyes. It didn't matter if his make-up had to be redone. It was ruined anyway. He just didn't want anyone to see him crying.
He hesitantly walked into the restroom. He turned on the sink and started splashing water on his face. He grabbed some paper towels and wiped the water away, crumpling it up after and throwing it on the trash bin. He ran to the farthest end of the room and sat down against the wall. He propped his legs up and buried his face in his hands. It wasn't like him to lose it like that. He had never cried in front of the others before. That was Jun's job. He cringed at how he acted earlier in front of Kazunari. Weakness and unmanly intimacy was the last thing he wanted his inspiration to see.
He tried to sort out his feelings from his clouded mind. Yes, he was angry. Angry at Nino and all the things he's done, from those that he just did down to the others that he's never done. Yes, he was sad. Sad because before today, he still loved Nino. Sure, not as much as he loved Yuki but nobody could ever replace Nino. He had a special place in Satoshi's heart. Nino inspired Satoshi, made him feel things he thought he would never feel, stirring up emotions that shouldn't be welcomed or entertained. But it was a one-sided love, one that Satoshi would entirely depend on to survive, not only for himself but for his art as well. Yes, he was furious. Furious because he couldn't believe that he gave in to his weakness and broke down in front of Nino just like that. Furious because Nino would be leaving soon and he wouldn't get to see him again. Yes, he was helpless. Helpless because Nino would be gone for God knows how long and he didn't know how his art would be without being inspired. He didn't know how he would cope without seeing Nino every single day, always ready with a smile that unconsciously makes him reach for his sketch pad and draw whatever comes into his mind. Helpless because of Nino.
He finally stood up. Everyone must be looking for me. He took a deep breath before walking out of the restroom. He headed to the dressing room, putting on a confused expression so that no one would realize that he'd been crying.
The chief make-up artist looked up. She took one look at Satoshi's face and made a "tsk"-ing sound. "Ohno-kun! What happened to your face? Where's your make-up?" She said in an impatient voice.
Ah...sumimasen." He bowed his head. "I tripped and got some dirt on my face. I went to the restroom and washed it off. The make-up must've come off as well."
"Come here then!" She waved at him to come with her hand. He sat down on one of the empty chairs next to Jun, who was reading a magazine, and let the make-up artist reapply make-up to his face.
When he was done, he thanked the artist and got up off the chair. He followed Jun out of the dressing room, trailing after him.
"Daijoubou?" Jun asked as he opened the door and let Satoshi walk out first. He tilted his head and peered at his leader.
He nodded. But deep down inside, he knew he could never be.
~~~~~
Satoshi removed the pillow from his face and sighed. He looked up at the ceiling of his room Oh, how it all ended badly. He tried to think of some way to release his tension and ease his pain. Eh? Why not use your pain as inspiration? Other artists have done it before. Why not him?
Satoshi got off the bed and searched for his sketch pad. He grabbed it on the floor and searched for a pencil from his desk. He pulled out a chair and sat on his desk, thinking about what to draw. He couldn't keep his mind focused so he just drew whatever came to his mind. Problem was, Nino's image was the one that kept flashing on his mind, repeatedly - like a blinking signboard.
He let his hands and fingers do the work. And work they did. It was as if his hands were possessed, somehow by Nino's memory. Like the image was demanding to be drawn. He sketched furiously, the tips of his fingers etching themselves with powders of coal trying to brush each empty surface they could find. Ohno didn't pay much attention to the subject of his drawing. He only paid attention to the details. It didn't concern him who it was, just as long as it met his standards.
When he finally finished, he stared at his work. He peered at it, squinting his eyes to see what he drew. It was the face that used to reside in his heart. The face that recently broke his heart and left him to deal with the pain. The face of the person he used to love.
Used to. That was the word. Now, it didn't matter anymore because he didn't love the person the face belonged to.
Satoshi looked down on the drawing one last time. He drew Nino's face, but it wasn't him. It had a different stilt to it. It looked like him but at the same time it didn't. He wasn't satisfied so he just flung it across the room and buried his face against the pillows.
A knock sounded on the door. The noise repeated itself several times. When he still ignored it, the door opened. "Toshi?" A soft voice called out.
He took the pillow away from his face. Yuki, his girlfriend was towering over him, leaning down to look closer at him. "Stop that!"
"Ah, gomen na sai." She straightened up and sat down on the bed next to him. "Your mother called me up. She went out for a bit and wanted me to check up on you."
"Uh-huh..."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." He sighed. "I'm just in one of my 'moods', that's all..." He turned on his side and frowned.
"Oh." She lowered her head. "Is there anything I can do to make it feel better?"
"I don't know." He shrugged.
Yuki just shook her head and sighed. She stood up and started towards the door. I'm not gonna let him play this game with me again. It's getting tiring.
Just then, long slender fingers circled her wrist. She stopped and turned to find her boyfriend standing behind her. "Nani?"
Satoshi let go of her. "Ano..." He rubbed his neck and stared at the floor before looking back at her. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course!" She smiled.
"Um..." He trailed off. "Do you love me?"
Yuki reached out and cupped his face with her hands. "What kind of question is that? Baka! Of course I love you! What makes you think I don't?"
He wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her. He couldn't think of any response to her question so he just stayed quiet.
A grumbling sound interrupted them. They both laughed as his stomach continued doing the sound.
"Let's get something to eat then." Yuki pulled him out of the room and downstairs towards the kitchen.
~~~~~~~~~
Satoshi sat in his studio and stared at the canvas in front of him. It was blank.
"You're gonna hurt your eyes staring at that." A voice interrupted his thoughts.
He turned around to find his muse, standing a few feet behind him near the door.
"I'm dreaming, aren't I?" He said as he turned back to stare at the canvas.
"Hmmm...maybe. What do you think?" A smile formed at one corner of his lips.
"I am. You're just a figment of my imagination. How else could you be here? You're not really here. You're in Los Angeles, shooting some Hollywood movie."
He placed his hands behind him. "What if I'm not? What if I told you I'm not a figment of your imagination? What if I told you I'm real? What then?"
He laughed and looked at the image over his shoulders. "Yeah, right." He smirked and shook his head sideways.
The image walked over and stood behind him. He placed his hands on Satoshi's shoulders, leaning down to whisper in his right ear. "Well, I am." He softly licked an earlobe before giving his neck a small nibble.
Satoshi just closed his eyes and groaned softly. "Must be such a wonderful dream..."
His muse stopped his movements. He forcedly turned Satoshi's head around and towards him. He leaned down and gave the other an open-mouthed kiss, sliding his tongue in to taste Satoshi.
Moments later, he pulled away, leaving a stunned Satoshi breathless. He smirked. "Still a dream?"
Satoshi looked at him, his eyes growing wide and big. He stood up from his stool and stared at his muse.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" He whined.
His hand reached out and his fingers touched fine white skin, skin that he'd been longing to touch but could only see in his dreams. His fingers traced a cheek before its pads brushed the muse's lips.
Only then did he realize that he wasn't dreaming. Oh my God...
He wrapped his arms around his muse and buried his head in the other's neck. "It's you! It's really you!" He cried. "You're really here! You're really here!! I'm not dreaming..."
His muse returned the embrace. "Yes, its me. I'm here. You're not dreaming, you baka! How can you be? I'm standing right here in front of you!" He lightly slapped the other's head.
Satoshi looked up at him. "But Kazu-chan, how...? When...?" He kept shaking his head. "I don't understand. I thought you were suppose to be back next week."
Nino twisted his lips and snorted. "Who told you that? Our manager? Heck no! I said I'd be back after 1.5 months. I just didn't tell anyone when I'd be back. There's a big difference." He tapped the tip of Satoshi's nose. "Actually, I came back last night. I just didn't tell anyone because I wanted it to be a surprise. Only Johnny-san knew about it. No one else. Besides, I wanted to surprise you. The last time we saw each other, things...well, we parted on bad terms. And I wanted to make it up to you."
"Eehh? Hontou?"
"Hai." He nodded. "Hey."
"What?"
Nino kissed Satoshi's nose. "I'm home."
Satoshi wrapped his arms tighter and snuggled close to Nino.
"Toshi-kun?"
"Yeah?" He was still embracing Nino.
"What are you planning to do with that?" He pointed to the canvas.
Satoshi pulled away from him. He turned around and sat back down on the stool. "I was planning to paint on it but..." He sighed. "It seems I have lost my inspiration."
Nino grabbed a chair near the door and set it beside him. He sat down, looking at the canvas. "Well, what do you want to draw? Just draw whatever you feel like drawing..."
"I could try..." He picked up a paintbrush and dipped it on his palette. He started brushing a few strokes here and there, letting his hand move wherever it wanted to go and allowing it to do whatever it wanted to do.
Nino just sat there and watched him as his hands moved frantically against the white canvass. He liked watching his captain work, especially when he was drawing something. His eyes would concentrate and his face would turn pensive.
Finally his hands gave and he stopped painting. Nino tilted his head sideways and tried to make out the drawing. He squinted his eyes a bit and looked closer. "Wow..."
"You don't like it..."
"What?? You're kidding, right??" He slapped Satoshi's head. "That's me!! You painted me!!"
"Yeah, I did..."
"This is so cool!!" He reached out to touch the painting. "You're really good, you know that? It looks so much like me..."
Satoshi just smiled. Suddenly, things were somewhat looking up. Maybe I haven't lost my inspiration at all...
He turned his head to look at Nino, who was still admiring his painting.
"Hey,"
"Hmmm?" Nino twisted his head in his direction.
"Welcome back."
-----END-----
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*note: I got the info from his english wikipedia profile, which says he's also good in web designing or something like that. just thought I'd insert that info here.
~~~~~~~~~~
Title: Draw / Drawing
Genre: Fiction - Fan, Music
Theme/s: Shounen Ai, Romance, Drama, Angst, Sex, etc.
Fandom: JE - Arashi
Pairings: Ohmiya
Characters: Satoshi Ohno, Kazunari Ninomiya, Jun Matsumoto, Yuki-chan
Rating: R - 18
Summary: uh...no
Notes: The concept has been brewing in my head for sometime now. Ever since I lost my inspiration, I had a hard time trying to find it again and bringing it back. I was struggling with so many things but telling myself not to cry. But I did. I fell into the trap and gave in. I wasn't suppose to but I did. I told myself emo boy didn't mean anything to me but apparently he did. This is how I tried to cope and this is what came out.
Disclaimer: Waive my rights of ownership of the characters. Uh-huh...story's fictional...
~~~~~~~~~~
Ohno Satoshi can draw.
Everyone knew, out of all the members of Arashi, he's the one who can draw. His name is most often associated with art and drawing and when someone needs something art-related, all fingers point to him or in his direction. Be it a sketch or a painting, Satoshi is the one to ask for. He's the one who can manipulate art with his hands, using anything and everything as his medium, from pencils, paintbrushes and crayons to pens, wax and even a mouse.* Rumor even has it that, when he's working, his eyes go "possessed" because he's so concentrated that he 'cannot be disturbed'. And always, if not often, his drawings turn out perfectly - just the way he wanted them too.
Yes, Ohno Satoshi can draw. And he can draw very well.
So why is it that he couldn't draw the one thing that means the world to him?
~~~~~
Satoshi sat down on the edge of the balcony that separated the patio from the garden. He loved to sit at the edge and to swing his legs against it, pretending that he was sitting on the edge of a boarding dock and the sea was beneath him. And he always, always had his sketch pad with him. Nobody saw him without it. Even when he was working, he always brought it with him, regardless of whether or not he used it.
That's where he could be found right now, sitting down and fawning over his latest sketch. His head was laid low, crouching over closely to the pad while his hands and fingers worked furiously. When he stopped, he stared at what he drew. Scrunching up his face, he ripped the paper from the pad, crumpled it into a ball and threw it away. He tried to draw another on a fresh page but the same thing happened - he wasn't satisfied with his work. This kept on again and again until several crumpled balls were scattered on the grass.
Satoshi frowned. He sighed and frowned. He'd been having this problem for sometime now. He didn't know why but usually he could draw. He can still draw; he just couldn't draw the way he wanted to - perfectly, like a master work of art. He can still draw on demand and at any time. He was just having a hard time making it perfect.
But the fact is, he couldn't make it perfect. No matter how hard he tried or how long he drew, he couldn't make a single drawing meet his standards. And when this happens, he got frustrated. Angry but tried again just to make it right.
He knew he couldn't make the drawing, any drawing right. And he knew there was a problem. He didn't wanna say it, didn't wanna acknowledge it, didn't even want to know that it existed but yet, it was there. It was always there. He just didn't want to deal with it.
There was nothing wrong, really. That's what he kept telling himself and everyone else when they asked him the "daijoubou?" question. He couldn't tell them the truth. What was the truth? That I suddenly lost my inspiration?? The one that causes me to draw whenever I wish, thereby helping me find my ultimate hapiness in the process?? The one that helps me see the world through different eyes and causes my imagination to run wild?? The one that lulls me to sleep at night when nothing else does?? How can I tell everyone that?? Is that really a problem? Is that really the truth?
Satoshi closed his eyes and squeezed it very tight. He dropped his pencil and started rubbing his forehead, feeling a migraine coming on. He took a deep breath and sighed, feeling frustrated again. He set his sketch pad aside and jumped off the balcony, landing on his feet above the grass. He couldn't take it anymore. There was no way he could ever finish what he drew or start drawing a new one. After all, his inspiration was gone. There was no way he could ever get it back. He gave up trying to satisfy his mind by drawing something because nothing was working. He just couldn't make it work.
He went back inside the house and locked himself into his room. He threw his pad down the floor, plopped himself on the bed and pressed a pillow to his face. He couldn't understand how and why it happened but somehow he lost his inspiration. If anyone knew better, they knew he needed it like he needed his art. Without it, he couldn't breathe, couldn't even live. Even he couldn't imagine being without it and not doing his art. He tried to remember how he lost it and how it all began...and ended...
~~~~~
Satoshi looked down at the guy standing in front of him, trying to process what just happened. He couldn't believe it, couldn't believe what his own ears had just heard.
"Sammi...I...I love you..."
He couldn't believe it. The person who told him the words, those three words he so longed to hear, was none other than his muse - Kazunari Ninomiya. The guy who wouldn't give him even the time of the day. The guy he never understood. The guy he'd be willing to risk his life for. The guy he loved for so long, it hurt. The only one he could ever love, so much that he, Nino, inspired him.
He was trying to leave, turning his back on the other and moving towards the door when it happened. When he turned and started walking across the room, there it was. Nino blurted it out. "I love you." No enthusiastic tone of voice to indicate usage of an exclamation point. No soft, melodious one to signal a loving one. No raspy, low suggestive one to seduce him. Just a trembling, hesistant and wobbly kind of voice saying the most important words one could ever utter. There were no pretty adjectives or flowery verbs to cover it up, just a fancy, dressed-down, in the raw kind of delivery. And a pretty bad one, if someone asked Satoshi.
Satoshi didn't know what to make of Nino's sudden declaration. One minute, they were just talking. Nino had suddenly become uneasy and he wanted to help but Nino wouldn't tell him what was wrong. Then the next, Nino was suddenly saying "I love you" to him? What's going on here? He didn't know how to react and suddenly felt something rise up his throat. Next thing he knew, a large cracking sound reverberated around the room as his hand slapped Nino's face. Nino's head was facing the side, a large rose patch forming on the left side of his face.
He didn't notice what he had done after Nino winced. He was too angry, breathing heavily and eyes becoming black and hooded.
"DAMN YOU!! GOD DAMN YOU!!" He yelled at Nino. "What the hell do you think you're doing???"
He didn't answer. Just twisted his head back to face Satoshi.
Satoshi grabbed his left arm and gripped it tightly, shaking it. "I said, what are you doing?? Was that some kind of a joke??"
Satoshi was angry. Angry at him but he didn't say it out loud. Instead, he answered sarcastically, "I'm telling you I love you. What does it look I'm doing?"
"OH FUCK YOU, KAZUNARI!!! GOD FUCK YOU!!!" He shoved the younger one back away from him. "What the hell were you thinking??"
He walked up to the younger boy, tears forming in his eyes. His hands formed into balls on his sides. He started pounding them on Nino's chest. "You think you can do this to me?? You can't!! You just can't!!! You just can't keep on doing this!! You just can't go in here and say you love me!! You say all these things that don't really mean anything and hurt me just like that!! You gotta stop hurting me!! You can't go on and hurt me!! You can't...You can't..." His pounding slowed and weakened, his hands gripping the front of Kazunari's shirt. Sobs were coming out of his mouth and tears were streaming down his eyes as he rested his forehead against the other's chest.
"I'm sorry..." Nino said softly, after Satoshi had calmed down a bit. He wrapped his arms around his leader and kissed his head. "I didn't mean for you to find out this way but..." He sighed. "...I knew I had to tell you before I left."
Satoshi loosened his grip on the shirtfront. He looked up, his eyes going big. "Wh-what?" He sniffled. "You're-you're leaving?"
He looked away, unable to meet Toshi's eyes. "Yeah...I meant to tell you but..."
"Does everyone else know?"
"Yeah, and..." He continued speaking, not caring to appease Satoshi's feelings that he was the last to know.
"...I couldn't find the right time to tell you...." Satoshi couldn't hear what he was saying after that because his ears suddenly shut off. He only heard bits and pieces like "leaving" and "hollywood" and something else but his mind wouldn't let him process it. The tears started flowing again and sobs were crying out repetedly. He let go of Nino's shirt and took a step back.
"Sammi...don't be like this." Nino reached out to pull him back into his arms but he only stepped back further.
"No!" He bit out. "Stop it!! Stop this!! Get away from me!!"
"Sammi, I love you!!" He pleaded, as if saying it would make everything all right.
"How can you say that?? I've waited all this time for you to say that and you only do it now?? It took for you to be leaving to say that to me?? Why, why??" He wiped the tears from his eyes. "Maybe you should leave more often. Or maybe I should! So you could see how I feel!!"
Satoshi shook his head. "It doesn't matter anyway. You're too late. I..I don't love you anymore." It hurt him to say the truth out loud. "Its too many years too late. I've loved you. Always have. But I knew you would never love me back so I gave up. I gave up and accepted the fact that you didn't love me, that you weren't that way. I've made peace with it and moved on. But now, here you are, telling me you love me when I've already found someone else. You just can't do that! You just can't..."
"You've found someone? Who?"
"Yuki! My girlfriend - remember?"
For a moment there, Nino had forgotten. But yeah, he remembered. Every night, he remembered. He remembered with bitterness and regret in his heart.
He rolled his eyes and nodded. "Oh yeah...That one. How could I forget??"
Satoshi glared at him. Then he turned around and walked towards the door.
"Satoshi!! Wait!!" Nino yelled after him but he had already closed the door behind him. Nino sank down on the floor and covered his face with his hands. He made such a mess of things and now, he just lost the one person he loved the most in his world. Truly, what had he just done??
**********
Satoshi closed the door behind him. He ran to the nearest restroom to wash his face. He didn't want anyone seeing his red face and blotchy eyes. It didn't matter if his make-up had to be redone. It was ruined anyway. He just didn't want anyone to see him crying.
He hesitantly walked into the restroom. He turned on the sink and started splashing water on his face. He grabbed some paper towels and wiped the water away, crumpling it up after and throwing it on the trash bin. He ran to the farthest end of the room and sat down against the wall. He propped his legs up and buried his face in his hands. It wasn't like him to lose it like that. He had never cried in front of the others before. That was Jun's job. He cringed at how he acted earlier in front of Kazunari. Weakness and unmanly intimacy was the last thing he wanted his inspiration to see.
He tried to sort out his feelings from his clouded mind. Yes, he was angry. Angry at Nino and all the things he's done, from those that he just did down to the others that he's never done. Yes, he was sad. Sad because before today, he still loved Nino. Sure, not as much as he loved Yuki but nobody could ever replace Nino. He had a special place in Satoshi's heart. Nino inspired Satoshi, made him feel things he thought he would never feel, stirring up emotions that shouldn't be welcomed or entertained. But it was a one-sided love, one that Satoshi would entirely depend on to survive, not only for himself but for his art as well. Yes, he was furious. Furious because he couldn't believe that he gave in to his weakness and broke down in front of Nino just like that. Furious because Nino would be leaving soon and he wouldn't get to see him again. Yes, he was helpless. Helpless because Nino would be gone for God knows how long and he didn't know how his art would be without being inspired. He didn't know how he would cope without seeing Nino every single day, always ready with a smile that unconsciously makes him reach for his sketch pad and draw whatever comes into his mind. Helpless because of Nino.
He finally stood up. Everyone must be looking for me. He took a deep breath before walking out of the restroom. He headed to the dressing room, putting on a confused expression so that no one would realize that he'd been crying.
The chief make-up artist looked up. She took one look at Satoshi's face and made a "tsk"-ing sound. "Ohno-kun! What happened to your face? Where's your make-up?" She said in an impatient voice.
Ah...sumimasen." He bowed his head. "I tripped and got some dirt on my face. I went to the restroom and washed it off. The make-up must've come off as well."
"Come here then!" She waved at him to come with her hand. He sat down on one of the empty chairs next to Jun, who was reading a magazine, and let the make-up artist reapply make-up to his face.
When he was done, he thanked the artist and got up off the chair. He followed Jun out of the dressing room, trailing after him.
"Daijoubou?" Jun asked as he opened the door and let Satoshi walk out first. He tilted his head and peered at his leader.
He nodded. But deep down inside, he knew he could never be.
~~~~~
Satoshi removed the pillow from his face and sighed. He looked up at the ceiling of his room Oh, how it all ended badly. He tried to think of some way to release his tension and ease his pain. Eh? Why not use your pain as inspiration? Other artists have done it before. Why not him?
Satoshi got off the bed and searched for his sketch pad. He grabbed it on the floor and searched for a pencil from his desk. He pulled out a chair and sat on his desk, thinking about what to draw. He couldn't keep his mind focused so he just drew whatever came to his mind. Problem was, Nino's image was the one that kept flashing on his mind, repeatedly - like a blinking signboard.
He let his hands and fingers do the work. And work they did. It was as if his hands were possessed, somehow by Nino's memory. Like the image was demanding to be drawn. He sketched furiously, the tips of his fingers etching themselves with powders of coal trying to brush each empty surface they could find. Ohno didn't pay much attention to the subject of his drawing. He only paid attention to the details. It didn't concern him who it was, just as long as it met his standards.
When he finally finished, he stared at his work. He peered at it, squinting his eyes to see what he drew. It was the face that used to reside in his heart. The face that recently broke his heart and left him to deal with the pain. The face of the person he used to love.
Used to. That was the word. Now, it didn't matter anymore because he didn't love the person the face belonged to.
Satoshi looked down on the drawing one last time. He drew Nino's face, but it wasn't him. It had a different stilt to it. It looked like him but at the same time it didn't. He wasn't satisfied so he just flung it across the room and buried his face against the pillows.
A knock sounded on the door. The noise repeated itself several times. When he still ignored it, the door opened. "Toshi?" A soft voice called out.
He took the pillow away from his face. Yuki, his girlfriend was towering over him, leaning down to look closer at him. "Stop that!"
"Ah, gomen na sai." She straightened up and sat down on the bed next to him. "Your mother called me up. She went out for a bit and wanted me to check up on you."
"Uh-huh..."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing." He sighed. "I'm just in one of my 'moods', that's all..." He turned on his side and frowned.
"Oh." She lowered her head. "Is there anything I can do to make it feel better?"
"I don't know." He shrugged.
Yuki just shook her head and sighed. She stood up and started towards the door. I'm not gonna let him play this game with me again. It's getting tiring.
Just then, long slender fingers circled her wrist. She stopped and turned to find her boyfriend standing behind her. "Nani?"
Satoshi let go of her. "Ano..." He rubbed his neck and stared at the floor before looking back at her. "Can I ask you something?"
"Of course!" She smiled.
"Um..." He trailed off. "Do you love me?"
Yuki reached out and cupped his face with her hands. "What kind of question is that? Baka! Of course I love you! What makes you think I don't?"
He wrapped his arms around her waist and hugged her. He couldn't think of any response to her question so he just stayed quiet.
A grumbling sound interrupted them. They both laughed as his stomach continued doing the sound.
"Let's get something to eat then." Yuki pulled him out of the room and downstairs towards the kitchen.
~~~~~~~~~
Satoshi sat in his studio and stared at the canvas in front of him. It was blank.
"You're gonna hurt your eyes staring at that." A voice interrupted his thoughts.
He turned around to find his muse, standing a few feet behind him near the door.
"I'm dreaming, aren't I?" He said as he turned back to stare at the canvas.
"Hmmm...maybe. What do you think?" A smile formed at one corner of his lips.
"I am. You're just a figment of my imagination. How else could you be here? You're not really here. You're in Los Angeles, shooting some Hollywood movie."
He placed his hands behind him. "What if I'm not? What if I told you I'm not a figment of your imagination? What if I told you I'm real? What then?"
He laughed and looked at the image over his shoulders. "Yeah, right." He smirked and shook his head sideways.
The image walked over and stood behind him. He placed his hands on Satoshi's shoulders, leaning down to whisper in his right ear. "Well, I am." He softly licked an earlobe before giving his neck a small nibble.
Satoshi just closed his eyes and groaned softly. "Must be such a wonderful dream..."
His muse stopped his movements. He forcedly turned Satoshi's head around and towards him. He leaned down and gave the other an open-mouthed kiss, sliding his tongue in to taste Satoshi.
Moments later, he pulled away, leaving a stunned Satoshi breathless. He smirked. "Still a dream?"
Satoshi looked at him, his eyes growing wide and big. He stood up from his stool and stared at his muse.
"What? Do I have something on my face?" He whined.
His hand reached out and his fingers touched fine white skin, skin that he'd been longing to touch but could only see in his dreams. His fingers traced a cheek before its pads brushed the muse's lips.
Only then did he realize that he wasn't dreaming. Oh my God...
He wrapped his arms around his muse and buried his head in the other's neck. "It's you! It's really you!" He cried. "You're really here! You're really here!! I'm not dreaming..."
His muse returned the embrace. "Yes, its me. I'm here. You're not dreaming, you baka! How can you be? I'm standing right here in front of you!" He lightly slapped the other's head.
Satoshi looked up at him. "But Kazu-chan, how...? When...?" He kept shaking his head. "I don't understand. I thought you were suppose to be back next week."
Nino twisted his lips and snorted. "Who told you that? Our manager? Heck no! I said I'd be back after 1.5 months. I just didn't tell anyone when I'd be back. There's a big difference." He tapped the tip of Satoshi's nose. "Actually, I came back last night. I just didn't tell anyone because I wanted it to be a surprise. Only Johnny-san knew about it. No one else. Besides, I wanted to surprise you. The last time we saw each other, things...well, we parted on bad terms. And I wanted to make it up to you."
"Eehh? Hontou?"
"Hai." He nodded. "Hey."
"What?"
Nino kissed Satoshi's nose. "I'm home."
Satoshi wrapped his arms tighter and snuggled close to Nino.
"Toshi-kun?"
"Yeah?" He was still embracing Nino.
"What are you planning to do with that?" He pointed to the canvas.
Satoshi pulled away from him. He turned around and sat back down on the stool. "I was planning to paint on it but..." He sighed. "It seems I have lost my inspiration."
Nino grabbed a chair near the door and set it beside him. He sat down, looking at the canvas. "Well, what do you want to draw? Just draw whatever you feel like drawing..."
"I could try..." He picked up a paintbrush and dipped it on his palette. He started brushing a few strokes here and there, letting his hand move wherever it wanted to go and allowing it to do whatever it wanted to do.
Nino just sat there and watched him as his hands moved frantically against the white canvass. He liked watching his captain work, especially when he was drawing something. His eyes would concentrate and his face would turn pensive.
Finally his hands gave and he stopped painting. Nino tilted his head sideways and tried to make out the drawing. He squinted his eyes a bit and looked closer. "Wow..."
"You don't like it..."
"What?? You're kidding, right??" He slapped Satoshi's head. "That's me!! You painted me!!"
"Yeah, I did..."
"This is so cool!!" He reached out to touch the painting. "You're really good, you know that? It looks so much like me..."
Satoshi just smiled. Suddenly, things were somewhat looking up. Maybe I haven't lost my inspiration at all...
He turned his head to look at Nino, who was still admiring his painting.
"Hey,"
"Hmmm?" Nino twisted his head in his direction.
"Welcome back."
-----END-----
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*note: I got the info from his english wikipedia profile, which says he's also good in web designing or something like that. just thought I'd insert that info here.
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