Computer [3/3]
Part 3 here~!
6.
“No…” Ohno shook his head vigorously,”No I can’t! I won’t kill you again!”
“Please!” Nino almost screamed at him. For a moment Ohno thought that the programming fault was causing Nino’s sudden surge of emotion. But he realised it wasn’t.
“I… I really don’t want to hurt you guys anymore. Not Sho-kun or Jun-kun or Aiba-chan, no! And especially not you Satoshi…” Nino was crying. His face was tear-streaked and he was begging, pleading with his eyes for Ohno to set him free.
To set all of them free.
Free from both physical and emotional pain.
And Ohno knew. He knew that letting go of Nino would be the best for all of them, for both of them.
But he couldn’t. He was selfish before, and he knew he shouldn’t be again, but wouldn’t anyone just understand his pain too?
Letting go isn’t that easy!
Letting go was forever, permanent, unchangeable, unreturnable… It was like putting a toy boat on a river that leads to the sea - Once you set it free, it will never come back.
And you will never find it again.
Letting go isn’t that easy.
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7.
He was confused. He felt like there was a programming error in him too, tearing his mind into pieces.
The ghostly pale figure of Nino walked towards him. He cupped the older man’s face in his hands. Nino wasn’t really pulling Ohno’s face to face him, since he couldn’t touch anything, but Ohno found himself staring into Nino’s hazel eyes. There were tears in them.
“Ohno…” Nino’s voice broke, “Please…let me go.”
Ohno’s head was swimming. The internal war that had broken out in his head was causing his head to spin.
He couldn’t let Nino go, he just couldn’t.
He didn’t spend six years just to end up killing the man he had devoted his life to revive.
He had not expected this to happen when he had built the computer. He expected him and Nino to end up like they do in fairytales-happily ever after. They would continue fooling around in Arashi TV shows and in the green room during their breaks and they would always have a smile on their faces. Because they would know after the ordeal that their relationship was the most precious thing on earth.
But fairytales were always fairytales. And his life wasn’t one.
He wanted to turn away from the computer and say that he wouldn’t destroy Nino, not matter what, but would Nino be happy after that?
Is there happily ever after for them?
But as he stared back into Nino’s deep eyes, he understood something.
He wasn’t the only one letting go.
Nino was letting go of so much more.
Nino was letting go of Ohno, his friends…everything that was important to him on this earth.
Because he was letting go of his life, however feeble or screwed up it was.
For the second time that night, Ohno suddenly understood. He slipped out of Nino’s hands, letting his face brush through Nino’s translucent hands, and turned to the computer.
He pressed down some complicated keys, and words appeared on the screen.
Initiating permanent shutdown, 0%
He was only planning to use it on his deathbed to take Nino with him only when he was old and grey.
Initiating permanent shutdown, 10%
He collapsed into a heap at Nino’s feet, crying his heart out. His heart was hurting like crazy. Just like when Nino had first died.
Initiating permanent shutdown, 19%
Nino was already starting to fade away. The edges of his small frame were turning fuzzy, and his body was less opaque.
Nino looked down at Ohno. Ohno sensed his gaze, and looked up.
Nino was smiling.
There were tears in his eyes, but still, he was smiling. It was a sweet smile, without its usual smirk. “Thank you Oh-chan…” He turned to the other three members, suddenly looking sad. “Thanks, guys, for stopping me from hurting Oh-chan more…” Sorry for all the trouble I caused…”
“Nino-chan!!” Aiba bawled, “I…I…I…” He was sobbing so hard that he couldn’t speak coherently.
“He…he wants to tell you that he will miss you,” Sho said, more articulate than Aiba despite the tears in his eyes too. Aiba nodded vigorously. Sho patted Aiba on the back.
Jun wasn’t really crying, but his eyes were red and his lower lip was trembling. “Nino…”
Ohno’s head was spinning worse than ever. The feeling of grief was so familiar. It was the same sadness that he had felt when Nino had died 6 years ago. He couldn’t think properly. He wanted to run…run as far as his legs could carry him.
He felt cool mist brush past his lips.
It was Nino. He looked up to find Nino’s face inches from his, smiling. Ohno realised that Nino had kissed him, even though he couldn’t physically feel his touch there, but the sweetness that Nino left on his lips made his heart ache.
Initiating permanent shutdown, 86%
It hurt so much.
But… he didn’t regret what he did.
“I love you Nino! I love you!” Ohno shouted desperately.
Initiating permanent shutdown, 99%
Because he had set Nino free.
Initiating permanent shutdown, 100%
Nino smiled one last time, a smile that Ohno would keep etched in his mind forever. “Goodbye, Oh-chan.”
Ohno broke down and sobbed his heart out in Jun’s arms.
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8.
Ohno felt like he was in a dream. His world was white, with blotches of red. Nino. Nino’s blood. The red was growing, there was more and more of it, rushing towards him at a speed that made fear clench tightly around his throat. He turned to run; his hands balled into tight fists as he ran and ran with all his strength, until he tripped over something and fell flat on his face. Nose bleeding, he turned to glance at what had tripped him. His blood ran cold.
It was an arm.
A milky white arm, with short stubby fingers that he knew could only belong to one person.
Before he could scream, the red had reached him and engulfed him, choking him as he gasped for air. He was drowning, and all he could see was red liquid pouring onto him, pounding into his ears. He tried to reach out, and to his relief grabbed on to something that felt like a pole. Finally, something that can save him! He clung gratefully to it.
As some of red liquid flowed away, he could finally see what had saved him.
And he wished he didn’t.
Nino looked at him through empty eye sockets as Ohno clung on to his valid arm for dear life. “You!!” Nino said and suddenly screamed, “STOP USING ME ALREADY!!”
“NINO!” Ohno felt himself choke at the sight of the mangled younger man before him, “I-“
“STOP!” Nino screamed again. He voice sounded nothing like Nino’s voice. It was deeps and raspy, like fingernails scratching against wood. “YOU USED ME! I HATE YOU SATOSHI! I HATE YOU!!”
Ohno felt his blood run cold. Red liquid oozed out of Nino’s expressionless eye sockets, and he felt himself biting his lip in fear and guilt.
Before he could reply, although he didn’t know what to say, Nino gave his own arm a tremendous shake. Ohno suddenly felt his grip on Nino’s arm loosening and then completely losing its grip. He gasped desperately as the last waves of red liquid carried him away, pulling him away for Nino and drowning him.
“Nino!”
“NINO!”
“Ohno-kun! Ohno-kun!”
“Ohno-kun!”
Ohno opened his eyes.
An hand was caressing his hair gently, its warmth comfortable on his forehead. “Nino?”
Sho sighed. “No it’s me.”
“Sho-kun…”
“How many times have you been having that dream already…”
Ohno sniffed in reply.
“Aiba-chan and Jun-kun say that you have been having these nightmares every time you sleep…” Sho said as he arranged Ohno’s bedsheets. “It’s been 3 days already… when will it stop?”
Ohno didn’t say anything. Sho sighed again as he handed a glass of water from the hospital bedside table to Ohno. Ohno mumbled a barely audible thanks before taking a sip.
“Hmm.” Sho said in reply.
Silence fell between them.
Sho suddenly opened his mouth to speak, but Ohno cut him off.
“I… don’t want to forget you know.” Ohno mumbled, still looking into his glass.
Sho remained silent for a while. Then, he spoke.
“But… It’s best if you can forget.”
“I can’t!” Ohno shook his head. He turned to put the glass of water back on the table but when he did, a sharp pain shot through his arm from the now bandaged stab wound. He winced.
Watching all this, Sho quickly stopped him, reaching out to take the glass from Ohno. He inhaled deeply. “Look… when you get discharged tomorrow, let’s start anew okay? It’s best for you and… him.” Sho said uncomfortably.
There was no way his life would ever return to normal, Ohno thought. He hadn’t had a normal life for six years. He had forgotten how to lead a ‘normal’ life already. But he nodded anyway. Just to pacify Sho. Or maybe he really wanted to pacify himself.
He really couldn’t forgive himself for what he had done to Nino. Nino surely hated him now, and Ohno couldn’t blame him.
When he was discharged the next day, all three members were there to greet him.
“OKAERI!” Aiba shouted happily as he jumped onto the smaller man. Ohno yelped as Jun rushed over to help Ohno peel Aiba off him.
When Ohno was finally free of the honey-coloured hair attacking him, he looked at his house.
It was back to how it had looked that night, before that happened to Nino. Ohno didn’t want to think about it. The now disused computer was still in his living room, looking as innocent as the day Ohno had finished making it. If Ohno hadn’t been so sure that what had happened three days ago was real, he would have thought that it had been a dream.
He wished it was.
“We helped you to clean up your living room a bit!” Sho said. He smiled brightly but Ohno noticed his eyes were red. All the other members had swollen and red eyes from crying, especially Aiba since he and Nino had been such good friends.
He felt his chest clench in guilt for causing them unnecessary unhappiness. Ohno was sure that he looked a whole lot worse than all of them.
These three days, when Ohno had been in the hospital, he had been having the same dream; of blood flooding towards him, then Nino would tell him to stop using him and that he hated him.
Nino hated him.
Ohno always ended up waking up with a start and crying to his blankets. He could take the fear of blood drowning him, but he couldn’t take Nino looking mangled and torn apart, telling him that he hated him.
His heart hurt whenever Nino said that to him in his dream. He cried and cried, only to cry until he ran out of tears.
And now he was back.
Back to where it had all started.
He didn’t know if he could stand living here any longer. Maybe he should ask Jun if he could crash over at his place for a few days. Or if possible forever.
But he felt he shouldn’t be causing any more trouble for the rest, so he kept silent and smiled while they warmly held his hand and led him into the house.
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9.
Ohno entered his bedroom and sat on his bed, looking around. It was back to how it was six years ago, when everything Ohno looked at reminded him of Nino.
As his eyes scanned across the room, they caught sight of something out of place.
Something that he was sure he hadn’t placed there.
He slowly got up from his bed and headed towards his desk.
There, among Ohno’s carelessly placed art materials and fishing tools, was a single yellow post-it with a few words written on it.
He read it silently. It was short and simple, but his eyes widened slightly as warmth spread through his body, dispelling him of the fear and pain he had been feeling these three days.
Satoshi
No matter what, I will love you.
Kazu
It was written in rough strokes of a paintbrush, with tear stains blotched here and there. Nino’s tears, Ohno thought, Nino had written it while he fought against the programming error. So that was what Nino had been doing with his paintbrush that day. He felt himself smile gratefully as tears formed in his eyes again.
Thank you Kazu, he said silently in his heart as his tears fell, from finally freeing me of this guilt.
He laughed slightly as he cried; grasping on to the small piece of paper as though his life depended on it.
That night, he slept better than he had ever done for the past few days. He dreamt of Nino as an angel, smiling at him while his eyes twinkled against the sunlight.
I love you, Kazu. I love you too, so much.
It might be time to move on.
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A/N: So here's the fic that I've been working on for some time! I'm hoping to find time to work on my series, Vampire Blood since I've abandoned it for such a long time but I haven't really been having time. ):
Eh, enough rambling. A big thank you to all for reading and COMMENTS ARE LOVED! <3
P.S: I'm looking forward to Bartenderrr :D