I Love You
Title : I Love You
Description : I don't want to describe the story details as I want it to be a surprise to anyone whoever read it... All I can say is it is a love fic (as the title suggested) involving the L'Arc member/s (have to read it if you want to know) hmm... oh this is my attempt to write a sad fic so I guess that a hint... And... there's a warning... but... I really don't want to spoil the mood here~
Disclaimer : I do not owned any of the L'Arc members and this is genuinely a fiction only, none of the thing said in this fiction is true.
I Love You
The kitchen knife is in his right hand; he stared blankly at the item and yet his mind crowding with so many thoughts but none of it he can addressed properly. He shut his eyes; letting himself sunk more into the filling water of the bathtub. The knife is gripped tightly; he sure this is how it’s supposed to be, this is the only thing that would help him. He held the knife closely to his left wrist; lightly touching his skin. An image plays around the darkness of his mind; he knew those sweet smiles are more painful for him to be haunted with than the pain that he will endure on his left wrist.
I would be with you soon… Soon dear… Please wait for me… We will be together again… Soon…
Images of his dearest friends then started to flooding his mind; interfering his thought of the one he love the most, the one person that being the reason why the thing he’s about to do seem to be really rational. His grips on the knife tighten even more; from a light touch, the knife is now given even more pressure to the skin but yet to cut through it.
I’m sorry… All of you had helps me a lot lately… But I won’t troubles you guys anymore… Soon…
A loud doorbell interrupted his thought and startled him a little; he hadn’t expecting anyone right now. After a few seconds pause, the doorbell rang again; then followed by another pause and another rang. He grabbed a towel and wrapped it on his waist before stepping out from the bathroom; hearing a familiar voice calling his name while knocking on the door. He glanced at the clock hung on the wall as he approaching the door; he knew one of them would definitely come by but usually not at this hour, not this early. He wasn’t surprised to see the changed reactions from worried to relieve of the visitor’s face, as he opened the door.
“Oh you’re in the shower? I’m sorry to come early today but I have nothing to do,” He reluctantly allows the visitor to his house, while weakly nodding.
“Well, have you finished showering? ‘Cause I bring you something special today,” He once again replying only with nodding.
“Good! Then sit here and guess what’s inside this?” The other directed him to a chair on the dining table and placed containers in front of him.
“Curry…” His frail voice can’t shows enough of his struggles; and even the other knew there so much more than what is reflected on those tiring body, desperate eyes or the dull expression.
“Hmm… No, I did that last time. Today is soba noodles!! Oh yes, I also bought a cheese cake! The one that you really like before,” He hated those fake grins, those fake cheerfulness that everyone seem to shows every time they were around him; trying to hide away the truths that they felt, the truth of what they knew.
“I’m not hungry…” He leaned on his back; looking away from both the food and the other.
“Oh come on! Its soba noodles!!” There’s no respond; forcing the other to think a way to persuade him to eat.
“You don’t want me to force feed you, is it? Come on, open wide… aaaaaaaaaah…” Clearly it wasn’t amusing but his friend looked like nowhere near giving up on the idea.
“Here come the train, open wide…” He’s now totally annoyed as the other already slanting forward, trying to reach the food to him.
“Would you all stop it already!! Can you see, this is not working! The three of you kept coming here… You thought that I couldn’t take care of myself right?! That’s what the three of you think of me right?! I can’t take care of my own self, so what?! Why is it such a big deal to all of you?! Why is it such a big problem to you, Hyde?!” He felt all his blood rushing to his throbbing head, that he felt like it will explodes anytime soon; and he had never shouted to anyone this loud before. He glared to Hyde, who is in front of him as he stands up; his hand is almost as lightly as swung to the food on the table off it but he stopped before it reached the containers. There’s a silence; he didn’t means for it to be like this, he just annoyed with everyone trying to pretend like nothing happen, trying to make him forget.
“I just want you to eat Yukkie… Please eat. If I bother you so much; I will not do it again if you eat. I’ll tell the others too if you want, I will tell them right away. Just a few bites Yukkie, please,” Hyde worriedness distinctly showed on his face.
“I begged on my knees for you to eat even a little Yukkie,” Hyde knew that if he hadn’t force Yukkie to eat right away, he wouldn’t eat till god knows when. Yukkie finally sat before his friend got on his knees and reluctantly picked up the chopsticks; he’s maybe in depression but having one of his dearest friend on his knees only to beg him to take care of himself is just too much.
“You said the same thing before…” Yukkie’s voice backs to the previous soft and frail.
“So, please eat okay,” Hyde got up from his seat with a smile and walked toward Yukkie’s bedroom door before vanished behind it.
Inside the room, Hyde did the same routine as the other two would had done when they came to Yukkie’s house ever since a few weeks ago; he would make the bed, picking up the messes, raise the blinds and tidy up the room. After finished with the room, Hyde then moved on to the bathroom. Hyde remembered how Yukkie’s whole house looked like it had been hit by a tornado once before; but now after weeks had gone by, there was less proved of his rants even in his room nor anywhere in the house. Then something caught Hyde’s attention, lying on the bottom of the bathtub; there’s a shining metal immersed inside the water. Hyde was surprised to find out the object that he picked up from the bathtub is a kitchen knife; he dropped the knife and scrambling out of the room. Hyde hands were trembling; in fact, his whole body were and his heart beating frantically. As he was in front of Yukkie, he snatched Yukkie’s right hand; inspecting every inch of it before doing the same to the other hand and found nothing that he was looking for.
“I’m sorry… Well… Please eat… I’m in your room if you need anything,” Yukkie saw Hyde trembling body and fake laugh in between. He knew right away that Hyde had found out of his earlier intention.
“Oh yea… I’ll be staying here for the night… Hoped you don’t mind,” Hyde smiles and after Yukkie had lightly approved his stay, he back to the room.
As he knew he was safe from Yukkie’s eyes sight; he held up his cell phone, he meant to call someone; to tell about what he just found in Yukkie’s bathtub. But then he threw the phone onto the bed; the situation is already bad enough and he felt that if he had told either Tetsuya or Ken on this, they definitely become more worried and somehow Hyde think that it will be more depressing to Yukkie that way. So Hyde when back to the bathroom; and decided that the matter is better left unsaid as he hide away the knife.
****
Yukkie stared at the bowl of noodles; he could only have it for couple of bites before felt like throwing it out back from his mouth. He stirred up the bowl with the chopsticks; picking up a few strands of noodles with it and forced it into his mouth; the noodles then slowly sliding down his throat after he has munched it a few times. After each swallow, he stares at the bowl; he tried to take another bite but he really doesn’t feel like it such a good idea; he pushed the bowl aside.
“Are you done with this?” Hyde pointing out at the bowl, Yukkie absentmindedly nods; Hyde took the bowl with a smile and straight away to the kitchen sink, leaving Yukkie alone at the dining table.
Hyde poured the remaining noodles down the wastebin; Yukkie hadn’t ate it much and Hyde knew it, it was always like that ever since the incident; he might be a person whom well-known for his capabilities of doing strenuous works without consume as much as normal people does, but this is way even more less than what he usually consume before. The foods that Hyde usually brought together with him for Yukkie always ends up to wastebin almost untouched by that person; just as the same as it goes with ever chocolate bars that Ken usually brought when he came by, would always left in the fridge as not even a very small portion of it eaten by Yukkie. Hyde meant to wash the dishes but as the tap water was running through his fingers so thus the tears silently running across his cheeks. He wasn’t complete sure why is he crying all in a sudden; but the more he thinks about Yukkie, the more his tears uncontrollable streaming down his eyes. Hyde wiped it away with the back of his hand but the tears wouldn’t stop as it continuously flowing.
Is not that I am disappointed with you, Yukkie; but no matter how I tried to understand what you were going through and what were you thinking, I still can’t believe that you had chosen to end it like that…. I just can’t… Not after everyone have put a lot of efforts in order to help you… Not after I had tried my best to help you, Yukkie… I can’t afford to lose you… Neither of us can, Yukkie...
He’s such a cry-baby after all.
Still seated on his chair; Yukkie turned around to watch Hyde from the back, busied managing the dishes. He understood that if Hyde had loses his patience back then, he anticipated for Hyde to shout at him; but he hadn’t expected Hyde to still keep it together. Yukkie turned facing the dining table once again; he knew Hyde was worried, mad, angry or even sad all because of him and the possibilities that Hyde saw the knife in his bathroom; he wouldn’t even doubt that he could see the sense of fears in Hyde’s eyes just now.
The cheese cake was the only thing on the table and Yukkie staring a hole out of that slice of cake. He is well-informed that all they ever wanted is for Yukkie to recover from his despair; they tried to give everything they could in order to help Yukkie felt better; and the only thing they ever asked in return is to have their dearest friend back, to have him smiling again. But too bad Yukkie didn’t think that he’ll ever recover, there are no hopes for Yukkie anymore and he shall never return to be his old self ever again. He sighed; pulling the small plate containing a slice of cheese cake that Hyde had brought for him nearer. He cuts a small piece of the cake and took it to his mouth. The cake might had been sweet for others but it was bitter for Yukkie; nothing had taste as it should be anymore, Yukkie felt like he had lost his sense of taste and everything taste nothing except bitter. Yukkie about to refuse the cake like how he usually refused to eat all other foods but as he about to do so, loud noises coming from his back in the direction of where Hyde should be. He turned around to glance on what has happen and saw Hyde picking up stuffs that he had dropped onto the floor before continued on his chores without even looking in Yukkie’s direction.
Once again Yukkie back to his staring onto that piece of cake; everyone had really do their best for him and wasn’t even complaining, not even one bit; the least he could do is to finish the cake for Hyde.
Maybe this would be the last thing I could do to make him happy… Maybe…
He slowly munched the cake piece by piece.
****
“You finished it! I’m glad that you like the cake. Well, I’ll buy it again next time, I promise,” Hyde smiles even though he knew that Yukkie might have finished the cake because of him.
“Hmm… I see you already all dried up sitting here; I should’ve let you get dressed before eating, gomen ne… why don’t you go and get dressed, then we could watch the TV together,” Hyde patted Yukkie’s head, feeling his dried hair; as Yukkie had been sitting there for almost a couple of hours.
Obediently, Yukkie got up and walked to his room; he took out his clothing items and laid it onto his bed. It has become a habit for Yukkie to stare at things thoughtlessly; and how he felt like his whole body moving in a slower pace, even his heart beating slowly. Those slow movements make him felt tired most of the time; tired of living, knowing that he anticipating nothing as there is no more bright future for him to hope for.
Yukkie sighed; he averted his sight to somewhere else and landed on the glass vase sitting on the nightstand which had filled by colourful flowers bouquet that Tetsuya brought for him when he came by yesterday. He realized that Hyde might have changed the water in that vase to keep those flowers fresh.
You know, these really aren’t working well with me. The more effort all of you put, the more I felt I’m really useless… I’m just hopeless now, might as well good for you guys to quit it… And pretend like you don’t care…
He felt the tendency to just lie on the bed and sleep the whole day.
“Yukkie are you finish yet?” Hyde calling for him; worried that Yukkie attempted something dangerous again. Yukkie get himself to dress properly before opened up the door; proving to the worried Hyde that he was okay.
“Well, let’s watch TV together,” Hyde smiles; relieve that Yukkie was alright.
****
Hyde woken up in the middle of the night, found himself alone on Yukkie’s bed. Despite his frazzled eyes; Hyde jolted out of the bed and looked around in that dark room, he still hadn’t saw Yukkie. He then rushed to the bathroom, as he found it unoccupied; Hyde rummaged through one of the cabinet and saw that the knife is still remained there.
Hyde heart was beating so fast, he was panicked as he’s searching for Yukkie in the living room; he somehow has a feeling that something bad had happen to Yukkie. As he encountered no one at the living room, he ran off to the direction of the kitchen. He still couldn’t see Yukkie’s figure, not even in the kitchen; Hyde steps slowly ceasing down as he approaching the vacant kitchen area. Hyde looked at behind the kitchen counter and to his surprise Yukkie was sitting on the floor, leaning his back onto the counter. Yukkie seem like half awake and his eyes looks like he’s drowsy, his upper limbs weakly stayed at each sides of him.
“Yukkie…” Hyde called, almost whispering; he was relieved to have found Yukkie but something felt like it wasn’t right, making him to feel a little dazed.
Hesitantly, Hyde draws nearer to Yukkie; getting a clearer looks at Yukkie’s unbearable sorrow though the surrounding that was dimmed by the lack of light. As he kneeling down at Yukkie’s side, he called out Yukkie’s name once again; but just as before, there isn’t a respond from Yukkie; Yukkie wasn’t even turns to Hyde’s direction, instead his eyes were emptily staring at the wall in front of him. Hyde couldn’t control himself and slowly tears starting to flows out; he leans himself forward and wrapped his arms around Yukkie’s shoulders.
“Yukkie…” Hyde loss of what he wanted to say. As Hyde broke off from the hug, he finally noticed of Yukkie’s other hand is bleeding; blood is pooling on the floor next to Yukkie and there also a blood-stained knife there.
“Ah! Yukkie!” Hyde quickly grabbed a small towel and wrapped it on Yukkie’s left wrist tightly.
“We have to get you to the hospital quick! Come on Yukkie, get up!! Yukkie please!! Yukkie don’t do this to me! You’ll lose a lot of blood if we aren’t hurry, Yukkie!!” Hyde kept pulling Yukkie’s right hand, sobbing as he did so, hoping to get Yukkie onto his feet; but Yukkie was disoriented, and even if he wasn’t, Yukkie is way too stubborn to get up.
Seeing Yukkie is unable to move, Hyde let go of his hand and left the kitchen. He grabs his car key together with the house key and few other important things; and quickly back to the kitchen. Hyde squatting down with his back facing Yukkie; took Yukkie’s arms and wrapped it around his neck. As he assured that the hands is firmly in place, he position Yukkie’s legs straddling on his back at each side of his waist. When he confident enough that Yukkie was in correct position; he gather all his might and pushing himself on his feet. Since Yukkie was pretty much semi-conscious now, there’s less struggling from Yukkie; but this has had an effect on Yukkie’s weight as he registered to become more heavier as the gravity pulling him down.
Hyde made his way out of the house and into his car; driving Yukkie as fast as he can to the nearest hospital that he could find. Along the way, Hyde kept his fingers intertwined with Yukkie’s fingers of his uninjured hand. The top of Hyde’s shirt stained with blood just as Yukkie’s shirt as well; the towel can’t no longer withhold the oozing blood from Yukkie’s wrist, soaking it thoroughly. Yukkie is losing so much blood as the time goes by.
“Yukkie, stays with me please… Don’t close your eyes… We’ll make it there soon… Please Yukkie, don’t leave me… Please…” Hyde kept repeating the sentence over and over again.
****
“I NEED HELP, PLEASE!!” Hyde shouted as he entered the emergency department with Yukkie on his back. A number of staffs rushed toward Hyde with a stretcher; they lifted up the barely conscious Yukkie from Hyde back and putted him onto the stretcher. Hyde dropped onto his knee as soon as the weight is off his back.
“Are you alright, sir?” A nurse approached him and offered a help.
“Don’t worry about me, I’m okay; but please help Yukkie… Please safe him,” Hyde himself felt his head spinning; the nurse helped him anyway, walking him to the nearby seats. Everyone there had watched with curiosity when two of the most famous people in Japan arrived at the hospital with one of them looked like in a really bad condition, they wondered what had happen.
“Maybe Yukihiro-san got injured during one of their practice or something,” Hyde overheard a guy behind him whispering.
“But we rarely heard anything from him; or even from the band itself, not ever since his fiancée died… Do you think that he…” Hyde didn’t waits for the girl to finish whispering to the previous guy, whom she seated next to; and moved to sit at the row nearer to the emergency room that the staffs taken Yukkie into.
“Please Yukkie… Don’t leave me…” Hyde whispered to himself.
****
“Hyde-san?” A man approached Hyde, who had fall asleep.
“Ah! I’m sorry! How’s Yukkie? Is everything okay?” Hyde quickly jumped up and bowing to the man that he assumed would be the doctor.
“Don’t worry, your friend is alright. Let your friend rest for now and the nurses will looks after him; but in the meanwhile, there’s something I need to talk to you, Hyde-san… Regarding your friend’s injury,” Hyde peeking at the slightly open curtain as the doctor was talking to him, trying to get some viewed of what happen inside; but he finally paid attention to the doctor when he mentioned about Yukkie’s injury. Hyde nods and the doctor leads him to his office.
**
He opened up his eyes slowly; he felt drowsy, his throat sore and he felt thirsty, his body felt heavy and weak; and both of his hands hurt. His vision was blurred for a few seconds before it fully restored; he was lying on a bed in a dimmed room that wasn’t his room.
Have I died already?
Yukkie looks around the room and judging by the surrounding of the room, he realized he’s in a hospital. He looked at his right; there’s tubing connecting a bottle of water to a needle implanted on his hand. Yukkie then held up his left hand; his wrist had been bandage neatly, it felt mixtures of a little numbs and painful.
So it hadn’t worked out well after all…
Yukkie sighed and slowly letting the tears slide down his cheeks. He’s so frustrated, felt like he had failed in almost everything he done lately. He let himself believe that he will protect her but she died and he couldn’t do anything to save her. He told himself that he’ll marry her one day and they’ll grow old together; but they didn’t, she ‘left’ and he didn’t even stop her. He decided himself to not attend her funeral; and regret it the next day, missing her and wishing that she still by his side in every second. He promised himself he wouldn’t cry, wouldn’t showed his sadness because he believe that she still watching over him, he wouldn’t want her to be worried; and yet this is not the only time he had cried. He said himself to follow her soon, to erase all these sadness; but here he was, still alive. He even assured himself that he will never bothered his friends anymore, as they been nothing but faithfully kind and helpful to him for all his live he been knowing them; and he really sure that he will never troubles them anymore once he died; but even though he didn’t know how’s that he get to the hospital, one thing he’s really know is that he must had troubled at least one of his friend when getting there. Yukkie continued to silently cried, feeling all his energy drained away and his body limped out.
****
It was her lips, her smiles; they always are beautiful. She was smiling, she was happy; her lips were smiling, she’s so beautiful. She’s telling him something, her lips were talking to him; but he couldn’t hear it. Her lips are still smiling happily, telling him something but none of the words reached his ears. He felt anxious, missing the words that she was telling him; he wanted to cries out her name; but he himself muted, unable to utter his fear. Her lips still smiling but she stopped talking; despite his anxiousness, her lips still smiles. He felt his hand been touched; he felt her held, holding his arm so tightly, feeling her warmth fingers intertwined with his; and her lips still smiling. Her lips parted, again telling him something; he’s worried that he’ll not hear it.
“Yukkie… Please don’t leave me… I know it’s too much to ask… But please Yukkie… Don’t leave me,” He can hear it now and he can see her beautiful lips were smiling as she talked to him.
“I can’t afford to lose you Yukkie…” He felt that her smiling lips now are distancing from him, that slowly his viewed blurring out.
“I really can’t… I can’t… I can’t because I… I love you… I really love you, Yukkie… I had always loved you… I had loved you more than you’ll ever know, Yukkie…” Her distance leaving a gap between them; he still felt her touch, and now he can see her face. Though it’s blurry, he can still see her lips; but, she wasn’t smiling anymore.
“You’ll never know this… I would’ve never told you… But I can’t help it… If I’ve been given a chance to choose; Yukkie, I wouldn’t ever want to have this feeling toward you… It somewhat hurtful… Hurtful to know that I love you… But you would never love me back,” Her voice changes, it wasn’t the voice that he always remembered of; it’s unfamiliar, the voice partly sound like her but they also sound like someone else. The distance between them increasing but his hand was held even more tightly. His eyes sight slowly become clearer and he could traced her facial features little by little, confused that she doesn’t entirely looked like what he had remembered of her.
“But that’s not going to change the facts I still love you… I can’t throw it away… I can’t disregard it… I can’t ignore it… I can’t say that I’m not in loved with you… I can’t lie to myself, Yukkie…” They become even more further apart and his hand is squeezed. Her voice, her face, her lips; they no longer portraying her as he knew, but they resembled someone else. It’s becoming even more clear now, it wasn’t her.
“Maybe I am selfish for telling you this, Yukkie… But I can’t live without you… So I don’t want you to do this ever again… I don’t want you to try to kill yourself… Please Yukkie… Don’t ever do something stupid like this anymore… I really love you and I don’t want you to hurt yourself… Please,” It was clear to him now; he knew that face, he recognized that voice and he remembered that lips; it was his, it was him; it was...
“Hyde!!” Yukkie gasped and waked up from his sleep, his breathing threading in a fast-chained and his heart beating rapidly; seconds later, he calmed himself down. He looked at his right and Hyde was there, asleep; resting his head and his hands onto the bed at Yukkie’s side, one of Hyde’s hand was holding Yukkie’s right hand; their fingers interlacing each other. Yukkie saw there’re tears on Hyde’s cheeks; and in instants, without Yukkie own aware; tears started to flow from Yukkie’s eyes.
“…I love you… I really love you, Yukkie… I had always loved you…”
-THE END-
A/N : Finally!!! I had finished it. It's been so long ever since I wrote something (been really busy, my last theory class full with assignments,then there's research and reflective study that need to be done-glad that it's all over now... I only have to finish up my clinical attachment with another 2more final exam and a revision class + mock board exam with maybe an induction programme... then by June I off for my Nursing Board Examination... after that, Graduation!!! wish me luck! oh my personal rambling...hehe sorry) Anyway... I know this fic seem like it has not ended properly...but I just want it to be like that (for now.... or maybe... no I am want it to end like that)... I meant to write this fic when I read A Lull in The Wind translation and it remind me of the story where Yukkie is once engaged and his fiancee died of a car crashed. I don't know if the story is true or not since I read it on a blog (it was a random thing I found online and I had no evidence it is true or false) but I just love how it seem to be relate to the song (and I do feel like it relate to A Moon Tonight too) so I had to write it, and of course since I'm a Yukido fan, I had to make it fit in there no matter what~ I planned to get on to my other fic, but I can't promise myself I will be able to do so during my tiring weeks of this semester's attachment.. Anyway, Thanks for reading ^.^,/