wow so i haven't updated this journal in a while, almost a year. it's like i go thru cycles, i try to get better, ultimately get even worse, and then come back
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i hate 115, it's like i hate the half mark... you're halfway between 130, which is my highest weight, and then you're halfway to 100, which is my goal weight right now. i always get stuck at this weight! my body likes me like this and it takes like a month to kick out of 115 and then i drop weight like crazy till i'm down to 106, and then i get stuck again. blah. i hate abusing myself. i'm alright, like i said i'm not going to kill myself tomorrow, but i'm hurting. i hope you're doing better than i am! i hate the constant self-abuse.
i'm okay, as in i'm not going to slit my wrists or overdose any time soon, but i'm definitely scrambling to find some normalcy in my life right now. lots of things are just cracking and falling apart, i guess i'm wanting to gain a little more control and stop bping so much and get more into the life of restricting, i'm much stronger mentally, able to handle more when i'm in that stage. how have you been? isn't it sick that we can't stay away? it's just so much support.
i know it sounds horribly, awfully hurtful to say this, but if you are so brilliant at faking normalicy, that might be a big part of why your partner is still with you. if you started to crumble into the lonely isolated dull safety of shit upon self imposed shit, he'd probably feel like you were too much work.
god that sounded so awful and mean and insensitive. it wasn't meant to sound like that at all. in fact, it's kind of an incentive to keep being/acting okay. and i'm a big believer in that. fake it till you make it. for so long i was too depressed to fake ANYTHING, but lately the prozac has made work bearable for me, and through me faking it, the external; at work anyway, has become better.
i don't know, i'm half pissed but i understand you kinda know what pissd is like, and i really really identify with you and want to help make these bad times a bit better.
blah blah blah.
mwa
ps: look at my userpic and tell me that my dog is STUNNING.
hey you. first off yes i do know what pissed is like!! i like that word, too, you know. much more fitting than 'drunk.' i'm pissed every night. last night i drank a bottle of wine and was just on the verge of being buzzed.. i hate having such a high tolerance! guess that happens when you drink so much
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god that sounded so awful and mean and insensitive. it wasn't meant to sound like that at all. in fact, it's kind of an incentive to keep being/acting okay. and i'm a big believer in that. fake it till you make it. for so long i was too depressed to fake ANYTHING, but lately the prozac has made work bearable for me, and through me faking it, the external; at work anyway, has become better.
i don't know, i'm half pissed but i understand you kinda know what pissd is like, and i really really identify with you and want to help make these bad times a bit better.
blah blah blah.
mwa
ps: look at my userpic and tell me that my dog is STUNNING.
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