le sigh
now I know how Frank Pierce felt....
and just some quotes or thoughts that have been running through my brainpan recently....
Our relationship was too good to be true, and I wondered again how I could find comfort with a straight guy when I’d never been able to hold onto it with a gay man.
.. your bitching and moaning don’t mean crap anymore because I’ve been trying to apologize and all you’ve done is shit on me. I’m not apologizing anymore.
"I need to tell him to his face that he crapped all over me and I don’t love him anymore."
Never once did he tell me he'd be anything but what we were.
I hadn't known his past. He leaned on me more because of my ignorance of what he was.
I survived by becoming something I hated, accepting the pattern of self-abuse of trying to please everyone I thought I loved.
Hell, I could hardly take care of myself, much less another damaged, mentally abused person.
“It was a no-win situation. And you both handled it the best you could, but the point is, you did jump on his bed knowing what it might trigger.”
“It was a mistake, and I didn’t think it was right to walk out because I made a mistake.”
“Why not? People leave all the time when someone makes a mistake. Why didn’t you leave right then? No one would have thought any less of you.”
...but it would change our relationship utterly, and I loved him.
It was a quiet, tentative love with the frightening promise that it would grow if I didn’t screw it up. And I wanted a love based on trust, not who was stronger."
If you do it once, it’s a mistake. If you do it twice, it’s not a mistake anymore. Gods, what's it called when you've repeated it as many times as I have?
"My soul is black, I’ll never be rid of it all before I die. I’ll suffer for it, but it won’t be because I’m a bad person but because I was a frightened one.”
It would be more of a crime to let these things remain undone or slip away than to willingly accept the price to have them. Everything of value or strength has a price. To let [others] continue to suffer because you were afraid makes you look… unconscionably timid.” Cowardly might be a better word.
In a word, he was…damn!
...he looked like a college freshman. A yummy college freshman majoring in oh-my-Gods-I-gotta-get-me-some-of-that!
I couldn’t stay there. I felt like a leper in a house of innocents, a pariah among nobles. I was covered in blackness. I had to be angry. If I wasn’t angry, I was going to fall apart. If I didn’t keep moving, I was going to realize just how deep into the shit I had fallen.
“he is all the backup I need. He is all the backup I ever needed. The only time I screw up royally is when he’s not with me."
But my making you my lodestone wouldn’t have evolved if you hadn’t let it, and you know it.
Issues of what was morally right and wrong tended not to matter when you found yourself in love with a man you couldn’t tell you weren’t straight.
Oh Gods, Tell me that nothing is left in me to rekindle.
"I had my pride, and money was nothing compared to that."
Finding out if my mental image of him in a Speedo matched reality would be worth a few goose bumps.
"Love you". He did. I knew it to the core of my being.
...Wondering what kind of a hell I lived in where the more I loved someone, the more likely I would hurt them...
There was nothing I could say that wouldn’t make him and me feel worse.
“You’re lucky, I’d be ecstatic if I could manage a month with the same guy.”
"One person can’t hold anything, but two can have the world."
“I’ve changed.” I didn’t want to hear this. They never changed, they simply hid it better.
“I can take care of myself, but if I’m making an ass out of myself, I’d hope you’d stop me."
Yeah, I was stupid when it came to matters of the heart, but I wasn’t stupid.
The man couldn’t have any idea how good he looked.
I liked my life, and I didn’t want to have to leave it and start over. It had taken me too long to find friends who would stick with me when I did something stupid.
“I’m partial to crushing their chest until their ribs crack and their blood splatters like Jell-O in a blender without a top.”
And I knew what it was like to be alone and the rarity of finding a kindred soul, even if he was screwed up.
He thought I was overreacting, and it was all I could do to not crush his windpipe right there and then.
I shouldn’t have trusted him. But I wanted to trust. Damn it, I deserved to be able to trust someone.
....
I took a breath, more grateful than I probably should have been that they would defend me like this. Maybe I was just trusting the wrong people.
"..wondering what kind of person I was, afraid to hug my friends, and sleeping with people who used me..."
“I wasn’t talking about that. I meant about you trusting people who can hurt you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. Every guy who tried to date you, you drove away when you found out the danger was only in your imagination.
“You trusted him when you shouldn’t have so you could find a sense of danger. And yes, it hurts that he betrayed that trust, but that’s not going to stop you from looking for it again. You’d better start picking where you find your thrills a little better, or it’s going to get you killed.”
“Being alive isn’t enough for you. You need to feel alive, and you use the thrill of danger to get it. And once you get over the pain, you’re going to trust the wrong person again-just so you can find a jolt in that it might all go bad.”
"You’re a threat, and you need the same. I know, because I live it. Anyone less a risk than ourselves isn’t enough to keep up, keep around, keep alive, or understand. Only those born to it are capable of understanding."
"“You’ve never been the safe, nice boy next door, despite everything you do to be that person. That’s why you joined the Marines, and even there you didn’t fit in, because, knowing it or not, you were a possible threat to everyone around you. People sense it on some level. I see it all the time.
The dangerous are attracted by the lure of an equal, and the weak are afraid. Then they avoid you, or go out of their way to make your life miserable so you’ll leave and they can continue deluding themselves that they’re safe. You trusted [him] knowing he might betray you. You got off on the risk.”
“So you need the rush of possible death to keep your soul awake and turn you on. That’s not bad. It just says you’re one powerful bastard, whether you know it or not.”.
“Dangerous doesn’t always equal untrustworthy. Drink up and get over it. Then find someone to trust who’s worth trusting you back.”
I felt poised on the chance to make tomorrow vastly different from today.
Maybe I should listen to those who were my closest kin in terms of my soul. Maybe I should trust those willing to trust me back.
Lightning is falling through my thoughts, realigning them to make space for something new.
I had lived my life not knowing why I never fit in, and with a simple explanation, I had both found an answer and a cure. I was lost, my hidden threat had made me a pariah among those I would love, but I could find understanding among my strength-crippled kin.
If that meant I needed to find another way to show someone that I cared, maybe I should hide my fears until you can silence them. You trusted me. Maybe it was time I trusted you."
I can't separate the sex from the love, I can only take the love from it. You take that away, and all that’s left is the hunger.
“Why are you trying to hide what you are? Do you think seeing your hunger shocked him? Do you think he’s so shallow that he’d condemn you for it? That she didn’t know it was in you and loved you anyway?”
“He loves you, Gods know why."
Never again. Never, never. He’s safe. You’re right. I destroy everything I touch.
"He was handling it, and you go and get curious, tipping him into all but killing you. Bloody hell! When are you going to stop being afraid of yourself?"
"I’m talking about my being able to fill that emotional void he has. You know him as well as I do, maybe better. He aches with it. He needs to be accepted for who he is so badly. And I was able to do that. Do you know how good that felt?
To be able to show someone that, yes, you are someone worth sacrificing for? That you like them for their faults and that you respect them for their ability to rise above them?”
“It takes an incredibly strong person to walk away from someone they love”
"I lived for excitement! I made decisions based on what would screw my life up the most! I was a messed-up, screwed-up stupid punk who had to mix danger with his sex life in order to get turned on, and I was going to live a very short, exciting life."
"Though carefree and one of the best friends I’d ever had, he was a cell phone, computer-savvy savage, living without law and holding to his own morals alone. I thanked the Gods I fit in there as being important to him."
There is black. There is white. Gray is a cowardly excuse to mix our wants with our needs.
“Okay, I admit it-it didn’t turn out all that well, but God! It kind of surprised both of us. We just need to go slow. You don’t have to have sex to find a feeling of closeness and understanding. Lord knows I feel that way about you. The point is, I saw you. For one instant you were the person you want to be, strong and comfortable with who he is and what he needs, with no guilt and at peace with himself! I liked being able to put you there. It’s a hell of a good feeling. I want to put you there again. I…liked seeing you like that.”
...hope so fragile, it hurt to see it...
I made a mistake. I just want everything to be the way it was.
"Yeah, I tried that, didn’t I. It didn’t work. If I can’t have who I want, I may as well go back to the way I was.”
But going the easy route to simply make my life easier was a lie of convenience-one that would delude me into believing I had the right to flaunt the rules, that I lived above them. I will not turn into him.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you can kiss your ass good-bye.
Everyone dies. The living find a way to assuage the loss and go on.
I was becoming used to it. Damn it, I didn’t want this to become easy. It should hurt. It should scare me so badly that I never wanted to do it again.
We helped each other out. Keeping track of who was saving whom’s ass was a waste of time.
“You’re alone when you die, even if you’re surrounded by hundreds.”
How I could have been so blind? But I knew my ignorance had been born out of my need for that damned acceptance I hungered after almost as badly as a junkie craving a fix.
and just some quotes or thoughts that have been running through my brainpan recently....
Our relationship was too good to be true, and I wondered again how I could find comfort with a straight guy when I’d never been able to hold onto it with a gay man.
.. your bitching and moaning don’t mean crap anymore because I’ve been trying to apologize and all you’ve done is shit on me. I’m not apologizing anymore.
"I need to tell him to his face that he crapped all over me and I don’t love him anymore."
Never once did he tell me he'd be anything but what we were.
I hadn't known his past. He leaned on me more because of my ignorance of what he was.
I survived by becoming something I hated, accepting the pattern of self-abuse of trying to please everyone I thought I loved.
Hell, I could hardly take care of myself, much less another damaged, mentally abused person.
“It was a no-win situation. And you both handled it the best you could, but the point is, you did jump on his bed knowing what it might trigger.”
“It was a mistake, and I didn’t think it was right to walk out because I made a mistake.”
“Why not? People leave all the time when someone makes a mistake. Why didn’t you leave right then? No one would have thought any less of you.”
...but it would change our relationship utterly, and I loved him.
It was a quiet, tentative love with the frightening promise that it would grow if I didn’t screw it up. And I wanted a love based on trust, not who was stronger."
If you do it once, it’s a mistake. If you do it twice, it’s not a mistake anymore. Gods, what's it called when you've repeated it as many times as I have?
"My soul is black, I’ll never be rid of it all before I die. I’ll suffer for it, but it won’t be because I’m a bad person but because I was a frightened one.”
It would be more of a crime to let these things remain undone or slip away than to willingly accept the price to have them. Everything of value or strength has a price. To let [others] continue to suffer because you were afraid makes you look… unconscionably timid.” Cowardly might be a better word.
In a word, he was…damn!
...he looked like a college freshman. A yummy college freshman majoring in oh-my-Gods-I-gotta-get-me-some-of-that!
I couldn’t stay there. I felt like a leper in a house of innocents, a pariah among nobles. I was covered in blackness. I had to be angry. If I wasn’t angry, I was going to fall apart. If I didn’t keep moving, I was going to realize just how deep into the shit I had fallen.
“he is all the backup I need. He is all the backup I ever needed. The only time I screw up royally is when he’s not with me."
But my making you my lodestone wouldn’t have evolved if you hadn’t let it, and you know it.
Issues of what was morally right and wrong tended not to matter when you found yourself in love with a man you couldn’t tell you weren’t straight.
Oh Gods, Tell me that nothing is left in me to rekindle.
"I had my pride, and money was nothing compared to that."
Finding out if my mental image of him in a Speedo matched reality would be worth a few goose bumps.
"Love you". He did. I knew it to the core of my being.
...Wondering what kind of a hell I lived in where the more I loved someone, the more likely I would hurt them...
There was nothing I could say that wouldn’t make him and me feel worse.
“You’re lucky, I’d be ecstatic if I could manage a month with the same guy.”
"One person can’t hold anything, but two can have the world."
“I’ve changed.” I didn’t want to hear this. They never changed, they simply hid it better.
“I can take care of myself, but if I’m making an ass out of myself, I’d hope you’d stop me."
Yeah, I was stupid when it came to matters of the heart, but I wasn’t stupid.
The man couldn’t have any idea how good he looked.
I liked my life, and I didn’t want to have to leave it and start over. It had taken me too long to find friends who would stick with me when I did something stupid.
“I’m partial to crushing their chest until their ribs crack and their blood splatters like Jell-O in a blender without a top.”
And I knew what it was like to be alone and the rarity of finding a kindred soul, even if he was screwed up.
He thought I was overreacting, and it was all I could do to not crush his windpipe right there and then.
I shouldn’t have trusted him. But I wanted to trust. Damn it, I deserved to be able to trust someone.
....
I took a breath, more grateful than I probably should have been that they would defend me like this. Maybe I was just trusting the wrong people.
"..wondering what kind of person I was, afraid to hug my friends, and sleeping with people who used me..."
“I wasn’t talking about that. I meant about you trusting people who can hurt you.”
“There’s nothing wrong with that. Every guy who tried to date you, you drove away when you found out the danger was only in your imagination.
“You trusted him when you shouldn’t have so you could find a sense of danger. And yes, it hurts that he betrayed that trust, but that’s not going to stop you from looking for it again. You’d better start picking where you find your thrills a little better, or it’s going to get you killed.”
“Being alive isn’t enough for you. You need to feel alive, and you use the thrill of danger to get it. And once you get over the pain, you’re going to trust the wrong person again-just so you can find a jolt in that it might all go bad.”
"You’re a threat, and you need the same. I know, because I live it. Anyone less a risk than ourselves isn’t enough to keep up, keep around, keep alive, or understand. Only those born to it are capable of understanding."
"“You’ve never been the safe, nice boy next door, despite everything you do to be that person. That’s why you joined the Marines, and even there you didn’t fit in, because, knowing it or not, you were a possible threat to everyone around you. People sense it on some level. I see it all the time.
The dangerous are attracted by the lure of an equal, and the weak are afraid. Then they avoid you, or go out of their way to make your life miserable so you’ll leave and they can continue deluding themselves that they’re safe. You trusted [him] knowing he might betray you. You got off on the risk.”
“So you need the rush of possible death to keep your soul awake and turn you on. That’s not bad. It just says you’re one powerful bastard, whether you know it or not.”.
“Dangerous doesn’t always equal untrustworthy. Drink up and get over it. Then find someone to trust who’s worth trusting you back.”
I felt poised on the chance to make tomorrow vastly different from today.
Maybe I should listen to those who were my closest kin in terms of my soul. Maybe I should trust those willing to trust me back.
Lightning is falling through my thoughts, realigning them to make space for something new.
I had lived my life not knowing why I never fit in, and with a simple explanation, I had both found an answer and a cure. I was lost, my hidden threat had made me a pariah among those I would love, but I could find understanding among my strength-crippled kin.
If that meant I needed to find another way to show someone that I cared, maybe I should hide my fears until you can silence them. You trusted me. Maybe it was time I trusted you."
I can't separate the sex from the love, I can only take the love from it. You take that away, and all that’s left is the hunger.
“Why are you trying to hide what you are? Do you think seeing your hunger shocked him? Do you think he’s so shallow that he’d condemn you for it? That she didn’t know it was in you and loved you anyway?”
“He loves you, Gods know why."
Never again. Never, never. He’s safe. You’re right. I destroy everything I touch.
"He was handling it, and you go and get curious, tipping him into all but killing you. Bloody hell! When are you going to stop being afraid of yourself?"
"I’m talking about my being able to fill that emotional void he has. You know him as well as I do, maybe better. He aches with it. He needs to be accepted for who he is so badly. And I was able to do that. Do you know how good that felt?
To be able to show someone that, yes, you are someone worth sacrificing for? That you like them for their faults and that you respect them for their ability to rise above them?”
“It takes an incredibly strong person to walk away from someone they love”
"I lived for excitement! I made decisions based on what would screw my life up the most! I was a messed-up, screwed-up stupid punk who had to mix danger with his sex life in order to get turned on, and I was going to live a very short, exciting life."
"Though carefree and one of the best friends I’d ever had, he was a cell phone, computer-savvy savage, living without law and holding to his own morals alone. I thanked the Gods I fit in there as being important to him."
There is black. There is white. Gray is a cowardly excuse to mix our wants with our needs.
“Okay, I admit it-it didn’t turn out all that well, but God! It kind of surprised both of us. We just need to go slow. You don’t have to have sex to find a feeling of closeness and understanding. Lord knows I feel that way about you. The point is, I saw you. For one instant you were the person you want to be, strong and comfortable with who he is and what he needs, with no guilt and at peace with himself! I liked being able to put you there. It’s a hell of a good feeling. I want to put you there again. I…liked seeing you like that.”
...hope so fragile, it hurt to see it...
I made a mistake. I just want everything to be the way it was.
"Yeah, I tried that, didn’t I. It didn’t work. If I can’t have who I want, I may as well go back to the way I was.”
But going the easy route to simply make my life easier was a lie of convenience-one that would delude me into believing I had the right to flaunt the rules, that I lived above them. I will not turn into him.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, and you can kiss your ass good-bye.
Everyone dies. The living find a way to assuage the loss and go on.
I was becoming used to it. Damn it, I didn’t want this to become easy. It should hurt. It should scare me so badly that I never wanted to do it again.
We helped each other out. Keeping track of who was saving whom’s ass was a waste of time.
“You’re alone when you die, even if you’re surrounded by hundreds.”
How I could have been so blind? But I knew my ignorance had been born out of my need for that damned acceptance I hungered after almost as badly as a junkie craving a fix.