The '15.
Ugh. This one about broke me, folks. I give you Fifteen, the Chapter That Wouldn't End.
Chapter Fifteen: The Unbreakable Vow
(Original Japanese Title: "Bore Your Spirits to the Max!! Dull Chapter, Lame Chapter, Super Crappy Chapter!!")
So now it's Christmas time in Harry Potter Land. I'm not sure how this happened, since the first four chapters of this book spanned about three hours, but Christmas means the birth of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and that this book is about half over, and I'm certainly not gonna complain about either of those things. Hogwarts is even decorated for Christmas, including "everlasting candles", among other things. You know, if you only put them out one month out of the year, do you really need them to be everlasting candles? It's like Willy Wonka's "everlasting" gobstoppers. I'd like to think that at some point I'd have something better to do than suck on a gobstopper for the rest of eternity. Thirty-day candles and gobstoppers would be impressive enough. Something else they should invent: Thirty-day deodorant. Am I right? Back me up on this.
Speaking of really effective deodorant, Harry's been spending the season avoiding mistletoe, because every girl in the school now wants to jump his bones. Either chicks dig baseless accusations against Señor Draco, or he's using that Axe Effect stuff I see ads for. That or Bod, or Body Spray, or all those other trendy deodorants they trot out every few years to sponsor WWE programming with commercials about how irresistible you'll be to the ladies. "Hey, where's that great-smellin' guy I was with last night?"
Ron's got no shortage of lovin' either, as he's pretty much surgically attached himself to one Lavender Brown. This seems to make Ron much less surly that he was last chapter, although it's painfully clear that he's just involved with Brown to spite Hermione. Normally, when I use words like "painfully clear", I just mean "painfully" as another way of saying "very". In this case, it's actually quite painful, as Ron constantly goes on about how it's all fair game for him to be sucking face with his new girl, because Hermione sucked face with some kid in a book I never read. Yes, we get it, you're jealous and petty. Move on.
As for the third member of our little Troika of Supreme Annoyance, Hermione's spending most of her free time in the library now, to avoid the sight of Ron's PDA displays in the commons. You know, when I was in college, the dorm lobbies had these signs everywhere telling you not to make out in the lobby. Did anyone else experience this? Because my thinking is that the R.A. staff at UK were just colossal dicks between 1995 and 1999. Come to think of it, that's what's missing from this whole series of books, I think. Not the R.A. stuff, actually, I'm thinking of something else. My junior year at UK, I lived across the hall from this really annoying guy who kept calling me "Michael" and asking me how my day was even though he had nothing else interesting to say. That doesn't sound so bad when I spell it out, but it's always been one of my pet peeves when people you don't know presume to be Your Special Friend. He had kind of a cult vibe going, which I suspect had a great deal to do with the anti-abortion propaganda he taped to the door of his dorm room. I mean, it's an all-male hallway, how many abortions did he think he was preventing with that stuff? I guess Luna kind of fills the bill in these books, but Harry actually likes her quirky antics, so it's not really what I'm talking about. I'm saying that every time Harry leaves his room to use the shower, he should have this creepy guy stop him and say "Hello, Harold," and then ask him if he's having a good day. Then ask him why he's having or not having a good day, just to annoy Harry further. That's the thing about books. In real life, you're just surrounded by irritants. In fiction, everyone has to avoid mistletoe for fear of being stampeded by girls.
Where was I? Oh, right. Harry's trying to stay pals with both of the Outsiders even though they're on the outs. This largely means he has to sit there and listen while one of them badmouths the other all frickin' day. To her credit, Hermione at least briefly brings up the Half-Blood Prince again, which I assume is still the main plotline of this book. Her main contention, though, is that Harry should be careful what he drinks, because now that he's going to Slughorn's Christmas party, all the girls in school are plotting to slip him a love potion so he'll invite them along as his date for the evening. Yes, you heard me right: Hermione is warning Harry that he may be going on a date in the near future. Also, Hermione points out that there's a guy handing out hundred dollar bills, and Bizarro Cookie Monster has invaded Hogwarts and he's baking cookies for anyone who wants one, and GEICO can save him up to 15% on his auto insurance, so Harry may need to watch out for those guys too. With friends like her...
Of course, Harry wants to invite Ginny, but because he's afraid Ron will freak out if he does, that option's off the table, even though, as Rowling inexplicably notes "she kept cropping up in his dreams in ways that made him devoutly thankful that Ron could not perform Legilmency." I can only assume "Legilmency" is dream-reading, but the real story here is that Rowling just wrote about Harry Potter having wet dreams. If TMI were in the dictionary, I'm pretty sure "Harry Potter's wet dreams" would be listed as the definition.
Now this right here is pretty much what ruins this chapter. Up until the final three pages, the entire thing revolves around the facts that Harry Loves Ginny, and Ron and Hermione desperately want to hurt each other's feelings. An entire chapter devoted to this is bad enough, but we already established these two points in the LAST Chapter, which was incidentally a lot better because it didn't beat me over the head with it. The only reason Rowling has to tell me about Harry's wet dreams is because she already played the "Harry is jealous of Ginny's boyfriend" card. She's all out of ammo, and just like a desperate criminal confronted with Superman, she's now left with the futile gesture of throwing the gun at him.
Granted, Chapter Fifteen has some other stuff for this Raging Hormone Action to play off of. Unlike gangbanging a plant or Calvinball on broomsticks, however, it's crap like hanging out at the library. The whole bit about the love potions makes Harry wonder if Señor Draco might have smuggled his E-Ville item into the school through the same security gap, but Hermione shoots down this half-hearted attempt to drag the book back on track, saying that the only reason certain contraband makes it into the school is because it's mostly harmless, which means the E-Ville detectors and E-Ville smelling dogs can't weed it out. Thus, Harry's back to square one on the whole Señor issue.
Right about then the creepy old librarian, Madam Pince, shows up, and throws a screeching fit at the sight of Harry's Potions textbook, since she thinks it's a library book and the Half-Blood Prince's notes were Harry's handiwork. Yep, first it's a teenage boy's nocturnal emissions, and now it's withered old hags freaking out over books. Good times. Harry and Hermione take their leave of this accursed place, and then they speculate over whether Madam Pince is secretly doing it with that Filch guy on the side. That does it. From here on out, the part of Madam Pince will be played by Yvonne Craig, who portrayed Batgirl in the 1966 Batman TV show. And I mean as she appeared in the mid-60's. If we're gonna do extended scenes in a library, then let's at least have it be one where the Penguin waddles in an leaves a ticking time bomb behind.
Back in the commons, girls are already offering Harry stuff to drink. I'm pretty sure I'd turn down "gillywater" even if I didn't have reason to suspect it was tainted with mood altering drugs. And if you've ever seen "American Pie 1", you know why even Muggles should never leave their beverages just lying around. At the sight of Ron and Lavender making out in a chair, Hermione immediately bolts. Because I guess them playing out this exactly same scenario in Chapter Fourteen was too subtle or something. Seeing as her parents are dentists and all, I'd think she would respect Ron's tireless efforts to check Lavender for cavities.
So it's the last day of the semester, which Harry takes to mean that it's not likely the Outsiders will make up until after the holiday break. On the other hand, they've got the whole break away from one another to rethink things. Wait, wasn't Hermione living with Ron during the summer? Why wouldn't she do so in the winter break as well?
Anyway, fast forward to Transfigurations class. This would appear to be the subject about turning stuff into other stuff. Today's lesson deals with messing with yourself, which I assume is the very thing Tonks used to do when she changed her hair color all the damn time. Knowing that everyone with a high school education in this book can do it too is a bit disillusioning, and I'm wondering if this isn't why Tonks gave it up. Also, I keep hearing she's got it bad for Remus, who's supposed to be the gayest thing since gay came to Gaytown, so that may have something to do with it as well. I ramble on like this because the big Transfiguration lesson in this school of magic and mystical wonderment is changing your eyebrow color. Seriously. Gimme a few packets of Kool-Aid and I can make your eyebrows look like whatever you want, but no, let's go to Somewhere-The-F***-in-England for six years and do it the hard way. I wouldn't mind this so much except that this chapter has so far featured a conversation in a library and two kids making out in a chair, so a class on breathing fire or dissecting fairies would have been far more satisfying at this point. "No! No! We'll grant you three wishes! Just put down the scalpel! Aieeee!"
In typical Ron fashion, he totally blows this and gives himself a handlebar mustache, like all those U.S. presidents used to have in the late 1800's. Everyone has a good laugh over it, but since Hermione laughs at him too, Ron retaliates by dong an impression of her jumping up and down and raising her hand. This reduces her to tears, so she runs off to the bathroom after class. Good hustle, Granger, good hustle.
Enter Luna Lovegood. Eagle-eyed readers may recall Luna Lovegood from Chapter... oh, I don't have time to look it up. The one where they're on the damn train. She's the creepy girl who's dad runs the tabloid. She consoles Hermione on her way out of the bathroom, and after Harry gives her the stuff she left behind in class, this leaves Harry and Luna to discuss the semester thus far. And for some reason Harry just up and invites her to the Christmas party. I imagine this may be because every time she appears in the book she dispassionately mentions how lonely she is. This is strictly a "just friends" deal, which is more than good enough for Luna of course, as she was probably just planning to spend the evening in her room listening to nu-metal and cutting herself. Although, really, I don't see why Harry has no interest in her. If you do a google image search for "Ginny Weasley" and "Luna Lovegood", you tend to get the same crappy anime fanart, or the same more realistic fan art of girls in school uniforms, so what's the diff? Unless Harry's got a redhead fetish, he should stick to the sure deal. Hell, Luna'd probably dye it for him if he asked her to. Once she accepts his invitation, some creature named 'Peeves' cries out from the chandelier and runs off shrieking "Potty loves Loony" over and over again.
...
Cripes, this chapter sucks.
Let's just try to get through this. OK, so at dinner Ron's all shocked that Harry would invite Luna to this thing, while Ginny seems to admire the gesture. Then Lavender and Parvati show up. I forget who the hell Parvati's supposed to be, but go with it, OK? Ron and Lavender haven't made out in almost twenty minutes, so they get on with that, while Hermione tells Pavrati that she's going to the Christmas party with Cormac McLaggen, the guy who didn't make the Quidditch team because of her interference on Ron's behalf. Even though Ron's not aware of this, she still rubs it in, making sure to speak up so he hears about this. This is torture to me, because for one thing I DON'T CARE, and for another thing I already got the gist a long time ago. Admittedly, I like the approaches they're using here. Sort of a Mars/Venus thing, as Ron seems determined to rationalize his cruelties with cold, specious logic (She can't complain, because she snogged Victor Krum and laughed at my hideous mustache), while Hermione pretends not to care but goes straight for the jugular anyway (I'm going out with McLaggen because I like Quidditch players. GOOD Quidditch players.).
OK, now onto this blasted party. Apparently it's in Slughorn's office. So we've gone from a library to a teacher's office. How he can host a party in his office is never adequately explained, but maybe it's magic. Whatever. Harry mentions that there's supposed to be a vampire in attendance, like this is a good thing. Luna speculates that this may be the Minister of Magic, since her dad's paper asserts that he's actually a vampire. Well, it's not, so shut it, Luna.
Rowling provides a pretty vivid description of the festivities. In a nutshell, it's like the commissary for the Lord of the Rings movies exploded or something. Fairies, elves, pipe smoke, what have you. I'm just gonna pretend that Galvatron is in this scene, because I need something to get me through this. First thing in, Slughorn grabs Harry and introduces him to the guy who brought the vampire. He's a writer, you see, so the whole vampire thing ties into his latest book on the subject. I should note that Rowling describes a group of girls hanging around the vampire, "looking curious and excited". So maybe she's more familiar with fangirl tendencies than I had expected. "Squee! The living dead! ZOMG, maybe he'll seduce us into his soulless army of minions!"
Incredibly, the vampire book dude starts asking Harry why there hasn't been a biography on him yet, and offers to write one for him, if he'll consent to a few interviews. Hey, buddy, he's sixteen. Besides, I've been reading this kid's life story for the last couple of months now, and there's nothing to write home about, believe me. Perhaps realizing how dull he is, Harry declines the offer and finds Hermione, who is trying to avoid McLaggen for all she's worth. Remarkably, Hermione actually has to spell it out for us that she only picked him because she thought it'd annoy Ron the most. Gee, really? I didn't pick up on that, because I've been living on Mars. In a cave. With my eyes shut, and my fingers in my ears. Also in the running was Zacharias Smith, the anti-Ron commentator from last chapter.
"'You considered Smith?' said Harry, revolted." Hey!
So the three of them move on to avoid McLaggen. Times like these are when I sympathize with poor slobs like McLaggen, who probably came to the natural conclusion that he was asked out because Hermione was actually interested in him, or at least enjoyed his company, rather than because he's a pawn in some pathetic vendetta or some other pile of B.S. Yes, how dare McLaggen be all touchy-feely with Hermione. Geez, she's only dating him, where would he get all these ideas? The worst part is that we probably won't even get to see the part where she dumps him like yesterday's kitty litter.
Right, anyway, this leads them to Professor Trelawny, who's totally fitshaced at the moment. While she and Luna ramble on, Harry demands to know if Hermione will tell Ron about her interference during the tryouts. She's taken aback by the insinuation, which is pretty funny considering what a colossal bitch she's being in this chapter. Hermione? Vindictive? Harry points out that if she were to do this, it would crush Ron, and his Quidditch team would be in shambles again. "Quidditch! Is that all you boys care about?" Hermione whines. Trust me, lady, I can't think of anything I care about less. She goes on about how that's all McLaggen talks about. Gee, you think that might be because he thinks you like him?
Now Trelawny finally notices Harry, and she starts doing the usual gushing over him. You know the words: Harry Potter! My dear boy. The rumors, the stories, 'The Chosen One'! Blah blah freaking blah. You know, the thing I hate about the whole "Chosen One" business is how uninspired it is. Consider all the other "Chosen Ones" there have been over the years:
Rodimus Prime
Jeff Jarrett
Anakin Skywalker
Eddie Murphy
Homer Simpson
OK, that's not very many, but those of you playing at home can feel free to make your own lists. The point here is that it's not that impressive a moniker anymore. I kind of liked how they handled it in Lord of the Rings, because between Frodo and Aragorn sharing the spotlight, you basically had two different Chosen Ones in the same franchise, so Tolkien had to call them the "Ringbearer" and "The King" to keep everything straight. Notice that when I say "Ringbearer", you actually know what the hell I'm talking about, whereas "Chosen One" has referred to everything from Darth Vader to a flaming Winnebago to a big fat guy with a birthmark on his ass, to some jerk from Tennessee who whacks people over the head with guitars. From here on out, I'm officially boycotting the term "Chosen One." Instead, I'll be referring to Harry's prophesied role as the one who confronts Lord Voldemort as "Booger Red." That's right, Riddle, you've got Booger Red comin' for you now. You ready for this? You don't look it. All up in your area. See? It's better already.
Anyway, like every other suck up in this book, Letrawny swears up and down she knew all along that Harry was Booger Red, but she wants to know why he's not still taking her Divination classes. It's a good question, since Divination could lead to a glorious future for Harry, where it could be him who gets drunk at a faculty Christmas party and rambles to the students.
This prompts Slughorn to observe that every teacher thinks his subject is the most important, which serves as a nice segue for him to brag on Harry's proficiency in Potions. As we all know by now, this is entirely thanks to Harry's textbook, which contains the notes left behind by the Half-Blood Prince. But Slughorn thinks this is all Harry, and he even goes so far as to bring Snape over to discuss this further. Now why the hell did he invite Snape? I mean, he's got a vampire, so the ladies are already satisfied, I should think. I mean, maybe they're friends or whatever, but it's not like Snape went on to become some big celebrity like Slughorn seems to appreciate, so why waste space on him? Anyway, since it's a Christmas party, let's just assume that Snape's wearing a bright red sweater with "HO HO HO" written on it.
Needless to say, Snape is somewhat surprised to hear that Harry has managed to not suck at Potions this time around, which makes Harry slightly concerned that Snape might get suspicious and somehow discover the secret of his book. Yeah, if Rowling is trying to build on the mystery of Halfy's identity here, then she's kind of whizzing it. I guessed it was Snape way back in Chapter Nine, and not only have no other suspects ever arisen, but now we have this scene, which serves to tie Snape and the Prince slightly closer together in the mind of the reader. So anyone who hadn't considered it already can start considering it now.
The conversation then turns to Harry's other subjects, which prompts Snape to note that he seems to have aspirations of becoming an Auror. Defiantly, Harry retorts that, yes, that is what he wants to do. I keep expecting some sort of chemistry between these two, the kind you see whenever two enemies have to be civil with one another, and I'm not getting it. Luna says something stupid right about here, and then the festivities are interrupted when Argus Filch, still aglow from having nailed Batgirl, shows up with Señor Draco in tow. Seems he caught the little bastard screwing around upstairs, only for him to claim he was invited to the party to account for his presence. Realizing he's been had, Señor Draco admits that he was never on the guest list, but Slughorn decides to show mercy and allow him to stay. Oh, JOY.
This doesn't last, however, as Harry quickly notices that both Señor and Severus seem rather dismayed by this turn of events. And no sooner does Señor Draco get into the party than Snape decides to take him right back out and speak with him in private. Everyone just assumes this is about the party crashing thing, but Harry decides to fake a trip to the bathroom to eavesdrop. Yes, it's back to the Invisibility Cloak for more spying on Señor Draco. Because those last two times turned out to be SO productive.
So through Harry, we're made privvy to Snape dressing down Señor Draco for his recent foul-ups. He denies that the Katie Bell incident was his fault, and refuses to let Snape probe his mind to check. He insists that he has everything under control, and he doesn't need any help from Snape. Snape reminds him that he swore to his mom that he'd protect him, that he'd made the Unbreakable Vow. Well, Señor Draco doesn't care about that, or the fact that it's just like the title of this cartoon. Snape then critiques all of the bush league mistakes Señor Draco's been making thus far, and reminds him that his pals Crabbe and Goyle are failing at Defense Against the Dark Arts. Señor Draco gets all pissy at this and when Snape says he's behaving like a child because of the capture of his father Lucius, he storms out of the room in a huff. And FINALLY this horrible chapter is over.
To properly explain my dissatisfaction with Chapter 15, I think it's important to look back at where we've been thus far, since this is the halfway point and all.
One: The Other Minister Rufudge tells Tony Blair about the Death Eater War. Rating: GOOD
Two: Spinner's End Snape reaffirms his loyalty to the Death Eater cause, and makes the Unbreakable Vow with Señor Draco's mother that he'll protect the CLB as he attempts to carry out his suicide mission for Voldemort. Rating: BAD
Three: Will and Won't That flighty temptress, Dumbledore, picks up Harry from his aunt and uncle's place, and he conjures up some sick little freak whose shrieking somehow confirms Harry's ownership of a house. Rating: BAD
Four: Horace Slughorn D-Dore and Harry visit Horace Slughorn and recruit him to fill the vacancy in Hogwarts' teaching staff. Rating: GOOD
Five: An Excess of Phlegm The Million Dollar Debut of Fleur Delacour, which so far has yet to lead to anything in the ten subsequent chapters. Rating: BAD
Six: Draco's Detour Harry spies on Draco. Rating: GOOD
Seven: The Slug Club Harry spies on Draco. Again. Rating: BAD
Eight: Snape Victorious Harry arrives at Hogwarts, only to learn that Snape has been reassigned to Defense Against the Dark Arts, which I guess is bad or something. Rating: BAD
Nine: The Half-Blood Prince Harry wins a bottle of the luck potion "Felix Felicis" after completing a lab assingnment in Slughorn's Potions class. In fact, Harry's success is all thanks to the old loaner textbook he used to perform the assignment, which has helpful notes scribbled in the margins by it's former owner, known only as the Half-Blood Prince. Rating: GOOD
Ten: The House of Gaunt Harry's first in a series of private lessons with D-Dore, which are essentially flashbacks that reveal the Secret Origin of Lord Voldemort. A good idea for an interlude, except he's not even born yet in this one. Rating: BAD
Eleven: Hermione's Helping Hand Quidditch tryouts. Ron barely makes the cut, thanks entirely to Hermione's magical interference on his behalf. Rating: BAD
Twelve: Silver and Opals On an outing to the nearby town of Hogsmeade, Katie Bell is hospitalized after a brief exposure to an accursed necklace she somehow acquired. Harry suspects Señor Draco, in spite of his ironclad alibi. Rating: BAD
Thirteen: The Secret Riddle The second of Dumbledore's private lessons, which sees a young Voldemort invited to enroll at Hogwarts. Even as a boy, Tom Riddle displays all the signs of a sociopath. Rating: GOOD
Fourteen: Felix Felicis Ron gets into arguments with Hermione and Ginny, which in turn wrecks his confidence on the Quidditch field. Harry attempts to boost Ron's spirits through sleight of hand, but the results are only partially successful. Rating: GOOD
Fifteen: The Unbreakable Vow After 21 pages of bad "Saved By the Bell" plot twists, Harry breaks the lull by... wait for it... spying on Señor Draco. Rating: BAD
One of the things I like to think about when dealing with this book is how I would go about adapting this into the film version. I thought I heard once that the HP movies were gonna stop with the fourth one, but IMDB.com says the fifth is already scheduled for like 2007 or something, so I think the chances are pretty damn good for "Half-Blood Prince: The Movie!" And since this book is far larger than the first four, you have to assume that they'll have to hack out entire chapters just to make it fit the run time. As you can see from the list above, I've got a pretty good idea which ones aren't gonna make it. Unless Fleur turns out to be a Dark Lord of the Sith, or they score Sir Ian McKellan to play Voldemort's grandpa, I don't think Five and Ten will get a whole lot of screentime. In spite of himself, Kreacher might show up, but only because some film exec thinks he'd make a great special effect to put in the trailer.
But let me get back to Fifteen. If I were condensing this into a script, the first thing I'd probably do is lop off the first 21 pages of Chapter 15, because as I said, they're rendered more or less redundant by Chapter 14. Then I'd probably leave the last three in tact, since it reveals that Snape and Malfoy are in cahoots, and Señor Draco has some Death Eater mission, and Snape is honor bound to help him with it, whether they like it or not. And by leaving these three pages in, I could then chop off the entirety of Chapter 2 as well, since it essentially covers all the same information as the three pages from 15. The only difference is that in 15, Harry finally learns what the reader had learned in 2. You see where I'm going with this? What was the point of having a chapter outside of Harry's POV if it was just going to necessitate other chapters to get Harry caught up on the same information? I would have been happy to learn about Snape's oath right along with Harry, because at least then I'd be on the same page with the main character, instead of me being several dozen ahead of him.
And did we really need three "Spying on Malfoy" scenes? Considering that the only thing Harry got out of the second one was a broken nose that didn't even stay broken, I really have to question how long this book really needed to be. As I've said before, I think there's a good story in this book, but it's packed in foam peanuts, and Chapter 15, like several others, is one of the foam peanuts.
RATING: BAD
(wait, I already said that.)
NEXT: It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens/Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens.
Chapter Fifteen: The Unbreakable Vow
(Original Japanese Title: "Bore Your Spirits to the Max!! Dull Chapter, Lame Chapter, Super Crappy Chapter!!")
So now it's Christmas time in Harry Potter Land. I'm not sure how this happened, since the first four chapters of this book spanned about three hours, but Christmas means the birth of Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, and that this book is about half over, and I'm certainly not gonna complain about either of those things. Hogwarts is even decorated for Christmas, including "everlasting candles", among other things. You know, if you only put them out one month out of the year, do you really need them to be everlasting candles? It's like Willy Wonka's "everlasting" gobstoppers. I'd like to think that at some point I'd have something better to do than suck on a gobstopper for the rest of eternity. Thirty-day candles and gobstoppers would be impressive enough. Something else they should invent: Thirty-day deodorant. Am I right? Back me up on this.
Speaking of really effective deodorant, Harry's been spending the season avoiding mistletoe, because every girl in the school now wants to jump his bones. Either chicks dig baseless accusations against Señor Draco, or he's using that Axe Effect stuff I see ads for. That or Bod, or Body Spray, or all those other trendy deodorants they trot out every few years to sponsor WWE programming with commercials about how irresistible you'll be to the ladies. "Hey, where's that great-smellin' guy I was with last night?"
Ron's got no shortage of lovin' either, as he's pretty much surgically attached himself to one Lavender Brown. This seems to make Ron much less surly that he was last chapter, although it's painfully clear that he's just involved with Brown to spite Hermione. Normally, when I use words like "painfully clear", I just mean "painfully" as another way of saying "very". In this case, it's actually quite painful, as Ron constantly goes on about how it's all fair game for him to be sucking face with his new girl, because Hermione sucked face with some kid in a book I never read. Yes, we get it, you're jealous and petty. Move on.
As for the third member of our little Troika of Supreme Annoyance, Hermione's spending most of her free time in the library now, to avoid the sight of Ron's PDA displays in the commons. You know, when I was in college, the dorm lobbies had these signs everywhere telling you not to make out in the lobby. Did anyone else experience this? Because my thinking is that the R.A. staff at UK were just colossal dicks between 1995 and 1999. Come to think of it, that's what's missing from this whole series of books, I think. Not the R.A. stuff, actually, I'm thinking of something else. My junior year at UK, I lived across the hall from this really annoying guy who kept calling me "Michael" and asking me how my day was even though he had nothing else interesting to say. That doesn't sound so bad when I spell it out, but it's always been one of my pet peeves when people you don't know presume to be Your Special Friend. He had kind of a cult vibe going, which I suspect had a great deal to do with the anti-abortion propaganda he taped to the door of his dorm room. I mean, it's an all-male hallway, how many abortions did he think he was preventing with that stuff? I guess Luna kind of fills the bill in these books, but Harry actually likes her quirky antics, so it's not really what I'm talking about. I'm saying that every time Harry leaves his room to use the shower, he should have this creepy guy stop him and say "Hello, Harold," and then ask him if he's having a good day. Then ask him why he's having or not having a good day, just to annoy Harry further. That's the thing about books. In real life, you're just surrounded by irritants. In fiction, everyone has to avoid mistletoe for fear of being stampeded by girls.
Where was I? Oh, right. Harry's trying to stay pals with both of the Outsiders even though they're on the outs. This largely means he has to sit there and listen while one of them badmouths the other all frickin' day. To her credit, Hermione at least briefly brings up the Half-Blood Prince again, which I assume is still the main plotline of this book. Her main contention, though, is that Harry should be careful what he drinks, because now that he's going to Slughorn's Christmas party, all the girls in school are plotting to slip him a love potion so he'll invite them along as his date for the evening. Yes, you heard me right: Hermione is warning Harry that he may be going on a date in the near future. Also, Hermione points out that there's a guy handing out hundred dollar bills, and Bizarro Cookie Monster has invaded Hogwarts and he's baking cookies for anyone who wants one, and GEICO can save him up to 15% on his auto insurance, so Harry may need to watch out for those guys too. With friends like her...
Of course, Harry wants to invite Ginny, but because he's afraid Ron will freak out if he does, that option's off the table, even though, as Rowling inexplicably notes "she kept cropping up in his dreams in ways that made him devoutly thankful that Ron could not perform Legilmency." I can only assume "Legilmency" is dream-reading, but the real story here is that Rowling just wrote about Harry Potter having wet dreams. If TMI were in the dictionary, I'm pretty sure "Harry Potter's wet dreams" would be listed as the definition.
Now this right here is pretty much what ruins this chapter. Up until the final three pages, the entire thing revolves around the facts that Harry Loves Ginny, and Ron and Hermione desperately want to hurt each other's feelings. An entire chapter devoted to this is bad enough, but we already established these two points in the LAST Chapter, which was incidentally a lot better because it didn't beat me over the head with it. The only reason Rowling has to tell me about Harry's wet dreams is because she already played the "Harry is jealous of Ginny's boyfriend" card. She's all out of ammo, and just like a desperate criminal confronted with Superman, she's now left with the futile gesture of throwing the gun at him.
Granted, Chapter Fifteen has some other stuff for this Raging Hormone Action to play off of. Unlike gangbanging a plant or Calvinball on broomsticks, however, it's crap like hanging out at the library. The whole bit about the love potions makes Harry wonder if Señor Draco might have smuggled his E-Ville item into the school through the same security gap, but Hermione shoots down this half-hearted attempt to drag the book back on track, saying that the only reason certain contraband makes it into the school is because it's mostly harmless, which means the E-Ville detectors and E-Ville smelling dogs can't weed it out. Thus, Harry's back to square one on the whole Señor issue.
Right about then the creepy old librarian, Madam Pince, shows up, and throws a screeching fit at the sight of Harry's Potions textbook, since she thinks it's a library book and the Half-Blood Prince's notes were Harry's handiwork. Yep, first it's a teenage boy's nocturnal emissions, and now it's withered old hags freaking out over books. Good times. Harry and Hermione take their leave of this accursed place, and then they speculate over whether Madam Pince is secretly doing it with that Filch guy on the side. That does it. From here on out, the part of Madam Pince will be played by Yvonne Craig, who portrayed Batgirl in the 1966 Batman TV show. And I mean as she appeared in the mid-60's. If we're gonna do extended scenes in a library, then let's at least have it be one where the Penguin waddles in an leaves a ticking time bomb behind.
Back in the commons, girls are already offering Harry stuff to drink. I'm pretty sure I'd turn down "gillywater" even if I didn't have reason to suspect it was tainted with mood altering drugs. And if you've ever seen "American Pie 1", you know why even Muggles should never leave their beverages just lying around. At the sight of Ron and Lavender making out in a chair, Hermione immediately bolts. Because I guess them playing out this exactly same scenario in Chapter Fourteen was too subtle or something. Seeing as her parents are dentists and all, I'd think she would respect Ron's tireless efforts to check Lavender for cavities.
So it's the last day of the semester, which Harry takes to mean that it's not likely the Outsiders will make up until after the holiday break. On the other hand, they've got the whole break away from one another to rethink things. Wait, wasn't Hermione living with Ron during the summer? Why wouldn't she do so in the winter break as well?
Anyway, fast forward to Transfigurations class. This would appear to be the subject about turning stuff into other stuff. Today's lesson deals with messing with yourself, which I assume is the very thing Tonks used to do when she changed her hair color all the damn time. Knowing that everyone with a high school education in this book can do it too is a bit disillusioning, and I'm wondering if this isn't why Tonks gave it up. Also, I keep hearing she's got it bad for Remus, who's supposed to be the gayest thing since gay came to Gaytown, so that may have something to do with it as well. I ramble on like this because the big Transfiguration lesson in this school of magic and mystical wonderment is changing your eyebrow color. Seriously. Gimme a few packets of Kool-Aid and I can make your eyebrows look like whatever you want, but no, let's go to Somewhere-The-F***-in-England for six years and do it the hard way. I wouldn't mind this so much except that this chapter has so far featured a conversation in a library and two kids making out in a chair, so a class on breathing fire or dissecting fairies would have been far more satisfying at this point. "No! No! We'll grant you three wishes! Just put down the scalpel! Aieeee!"
In typical Ron fashion, he totally blows this and gives himself a handlebar mustache, like all those U.S. presidents used to have in the late 1800's. Everyone has a good laugh over it, but since Hermione laughs at him too, Ron retaliates by dong an impression of her jumping up and down and raising her hand. This reduces her to tears, so she runs off to the bathroom after class. Good hustle, Granger, good hustle.
Enter Luna Lovegood. Eagle-eyed readers may recall Luna Lovegood from Chapter... oh, I don't have time to look it up. The one where they're on the damn train. She's the creepy girl who's dad runs the tabloid. She consoles Hermione on her way out of the bathroom, and after Harry gives her the stuff she left behind in class, this leaves Harry and Luna to discuss the semester thus far. And for some reason Harry just up and invites her to the Christmas party. I imagine this may be because every time she appears in the book she dispassionately mentions how lonely she is. This is strictly a "just friends" deal, which is more than good enough for Luna of course, as she was probably just planning to spend the evening in her room listening to nu-metal and cutting herself. Although, really, I don't see why Harry has no interest in her. If you do a google image search for "Ginny Weasley" and "Luna Lovegood", you tend to get the same crappy anime fanart, or the same more realistic fan art of girls in school uniforms, so what's the diff? Unless Harry's got a redhead fetish, he should stick to the sure deal. Hell, Luna'd probably dye it for him if he asked her to. Once she accepts his invitation, some creature named 'Peeves' cries out from the chandelier and runs off shrieking "Potty loves Loony" over and over again.
...
Cripes, this chapter sucks.
Let's just try to get through this. OK, so at dinner Ron's all shocked that Harry would invite Luna to this thing, while Ginny seems to admire the gesture. Then Lavender and Parvati show up. I forget who the hell Parvati's supposed to be, but go with it, OK? Ron and Lavender haven't made out in almost twenty minutes, so they get on with that, while Hermione tells Pavrati that she's going to the Christmas party with Cormac McLaggen, the guy who didn't make the Quidditch team because of her interference on Ron's behalf. Even though Ron's not aware of this, she still rubs it in, making sure to speak up so he hears about this. This is torture to me, because for one thing I DON'T CARE, and for another thing I already got the gist a long time ago. Admittedly, I like the approaches they're using here. Sort of a Mars/Venus thing, as Ron seems determined to rationalize his cruelties with cold, specious logic (She can't complain, because she snogged Victor Krum and laughed at my hideous mustache), while Hermione pretends not to care but goes straight for the jugular anyway (I'm going out with McLaggen because I like Quidditch players. GOOD Quidditch players.).
OK, now onto this blasted party. Apparently it's in Slughorn's office. So we've gone from a library to a teacher's office. How he can host a party in his office is never adequately explained, but maybe it's magic. Whatever. Harry mentions that there's supposed to be a vampire in attendance, like this is a good thing. Luna speculates that this may be the Minister of Magic, since her dad's paper asserts that he's actually a vampire. Well, it's not, so shut it, Luna.
Rowling provides a pretty vivid description of the festivities. In a nutshell, it's like the commissary for the Lord of the Rings movies exploded or something. Fairies, elves, pipe smoke, what have you. I'm just gonna pretend that Galvatron is in this scene, because I need something to get me through this. First thing in, Slughorn grabs Harry and introduces him to the guy who brought the vampire. He's a writer, you see, so the whole vampire thing ties into his latest book on the subject. I should note that Rowling describes a group of girls hanging around the vampire, "looking curious and excited". So maybe she's more familiar with fangirl tendencies than I had expected. "Squee! The living dead! ZOMG, maybe he'll seduce us into his soulless army of minions!"
Incredibly, the vampire book dude starts asking Harry why there hasn't been a biography on him yet, and offers to write one for him, if he'll consent to a few interviews. Hey, buddy, he's sixteen. Besides, I've been reading this kid's life story for the last couple of months now, and there's nothing to write home about, believe me. Perhaps realizing how dull he is, Harry declines the offer and finds Hermione, who is trying to avoid McLaggen for all she's worth. Remarkably, Hermione actually has to spell it out for us that she only picked him because she thought it'd annoy Ron the most. Gee, really? I didn't pick up on that, because I've been living on Mars. In a cave. With my eyes shut, and my fingers in my ears. Also in the running was Zacharias Smith, the anti-Ron commentator from last chapter.
"'You considered Smith?' said Harry, revolted." Hey!
So the three of them move on to avoid McLaggen. Times like these are when I sympathize with poor slobs like McLaggen, who probably came to the natural conclusion that he was asked out because Hermione was actually interested in him, or at least enjoyed his company, rather than because he's a pawn in some pathetic vendetta or some other pile of B.S. Yes, how dare McLaggen be all touchy-feely with Hermione. Geez, she's only dating him, where would he get all these ideas? The worst part is that we probably won't even get to see the part where she dumps him like yesterday's kitty litter.
Right, anyway, this leads them to Professor Trelawny, who's totally fitshaced at the moment. While she and Luna ramble on, Harry demands to know if Hermione will tell Ron about her interference during the tryouts. She's taken aback by the insinuation, which is pretty funny considering what a colossal bitch she's being in this chapter. Hermione? Vindictive? Harry points out that if she were to do this, it would crush Ron, and his Quidditch team would be in shambles again. "Quidditch! Is that all you boys care about?" Hermione whines. Trust me, lady, I can't think of anything I care about less. She goes on about how that's all McLaggen talks about. Gee, you think that might be because he thinks you like him?
Now Trelawny finally notices Harry, and she starts doing the usual gushing over him. You know the words: Harry Potter! My dear boy. The rumors, the stories, 'The Chosen One'! Blah blah freaking blah. You know, the thing I hate about the whole "Chosen One" business is how uninspired it is. Consider all the other "Chosen Ones" there have been over the years:
Rodimus Prime
Jeff Jarrett
Anakin Skywalker
Eddie Murphy
Homer Simpson
OK, that's not very many, but those of you playing at home can feel free to make your own lists. The point here is that it's not that impressive a moniker anymore. I kind of liked how they handled it in Lord of the Rings, because between Frodo and Aragorn sharing the spotlight, you basically had two different Chosen Ones in the same franchise, so Tolkien had to call them the "Ringbearer" and "The King" to keep everything straight. Notice that when I say "Ringbearer", you actually know what the hell I'm talking about, whereas "Chosen One" has referred to everything from Darth Vader to a flaming Winnebago to a big fat guy with a birthmark on his ass, to some jerk from Tennessee who whacks people over the head with guitars. From here on out, I'm officially boycotting the term "Chosen One." Instead, I'll be referring to Harry's prophesied role as the one who confronts Lord Voldemort as "Booger Red." That's right, Riddle, you've got Booger Red comin' for you now. You ready for this? You don't look it. All up in your area. See? It's better already.
Anyway, like every other suck up in this book, Letrawny swears up and down she knew all along that Harry was Booger Red, but she wants to know why he's not still taking her Divination classes. It's a good question, since Divination could lead to a glorious future for Harry, where it could be him who gets drunk at a faculty Christmas party and rambles to the students.
This prompts Slughorn to observe that every teacher thinks his subject is the most important, which serves as a nice segue for him to brag on Harry's proficiency in Potions. As we all know by now, this is entirely thanks to Harry's textbook, which contains the notes left behind by the Half-Blood Prince. But Slughorn thinks this is all Harry, and he even goes so far as to bring Snape over to discuss this further. Now why the hell did he invite Snape? I mean, he's got a vampire, so the ladies are already satisfied, I should think. I mean, maybe they're friends or whatever, but it's not like Snape went on to become some big celebrity like Slughorn seems to appreciate, so why waste space on him? Anyway, since it's a Christmas party, let's just assume that Snape's wearing a bright red sweater with "HO HO HO" written on it.
Needless to say, Snape is somewhat surprised to hear that Harry has managed to not suck at Potions this time around, which makes Harry slightly concerned that Snape might get suspicious and somehow discover the secret of his book. Yeah, if Rowling is trying to build on the mystery of Halfy's identity here, then she's kind of whizzing it. I guessed it was Snape way back in Chapter Nine, and not only have no other suspects ever arisen, but now we have this scene, which serves to tie Snape and the Prince slightly closer together in the mind of the reader. So anyone who hadn't considered it already can start considering it now.
The conversation then turns to Harry's other subjects, which prompts Snape to note that he seems to have aspirations of becoming an Auror. Defiantly, Harry retorts that, yes, that is what he wants to do. I keep expecting some sort of chemistry between these two, the kind you see whenever two enemies have to be civil with one another, and I'm not getting it. Luna says something stupid right about here, and then the festivities are interrupted when Argus Filch, still aglow from having nailed Batgirl, shows up with Señor Draco in tow. Seems he caught the little bastard screwing around upstairs, only for him to claim he was invited to the party to account for his presence. Realizing he's been had, Señor Draco admits that he was never on the guest list, but Slughorn decides to show mercy and allow him to stay. Oh, JOY.
This doesn't last, however, as Harry quickly notices that both Señor and Severus seem rather dismayed by this turn of events. And no sooner does Señor Draco get into the party than Snape decides to take him right back out and speak with him in private. Everyone just assumes this is about the party crashing thing, but Harry decides to fake a trip to the bathroom to eavesdrop. Yes, it's back to the Invisibility Cloak for more spying on Señor Draco. Because those last two times turned out to be SO productive.
So through Harry, we're made privvy to Snape dressing down Señor Draco for his recent foul-ups. He denies that the Katie Bell incident was his fault, and refuses to let Snape probe his mind to check. He insists that he has everything under control, and he doesn't need any help from Snape. Snape reminds him that he swore to his mom that he'd protect him, that he'd made the Unbreakable Vow. Well, Señor Draco doesn't care about that, or the fact that it's just like the title of this cartoon. Snape then critiques all of the bush league mistakes Señor Draco's been making thus far, and reminds him that his pals Crabbe and Goyle are failing at Defense Against the Dark Arts. Señor Draco gets all pissy at this and when Snape says he's behaving like a child because of the capture of his father Lucius, he storms out of the room in a huff. And FINALLY this horrible chapter is over.
To properly explain my dissatisfaction with Chapter 15, I think it's important to look back at where we've been thus far, since this is the halfway point and all.
One: The Other Minister Rufudge tells Tony Blair about the Death Eater War. Rating: GOOD
Two: Spinner's End Snape reaffirms his loyalty to the Death Eater cause, and makes the Unbreakable Vow with Señor Draco's mother that he'll protect the CLB as he attempts to carry out his suicide mission for Voldemort. Rating: BAD
Three: Will and Won't That flighty temptress, Dumbledore, picks up Harry from his aunt and uncle's place, and he conjures up some sick little freak whose shrieking somehow confirms Harry's ownership of a house. Rating: BAD
Four: Horace Slughorn D-Dore and Harry visit Horace Slughorn and recruit him to fill the vacancy in Hogwarts' teaching staff. Rating: GOOD
Five: An Excess of Phlegm The Million Dollar Debut of Fleur Delacour, which so far has yet to lead to anything in the ten subsequent chapters. Rating: BAD
Six: Draco's Detour Harry spies on Draco. Rating: GOOD
Seven: The Slug Club Harry spies on Draco. Again. Rating: BAD
Eight: Snape Victorious Harry arrives at Hogwarts, only to learn that Snape has been reassigned to Defense Against the Dark Arts, which I guess is bad or something. Rating: BAD
Nine: The Half-Blood Prince Harry wins a bottle of the luck potion "Felix Felicis" after completing a lab assingnment in Slughorn's Potions class. In fact, Harry's success is all thanks to the old loaner textbook he used to perform the assignment, which has helpful notes scribbled in the margins by it's former owner, known only as the Half-Blood Prince. Rating: GOOD
Ten: The House of Gaunt Harry's first in a series of private lessons with D-Dore, which are essentially flashbacks that reveal the Secret Origin of Lord Voldemort. A good idea for an interlude, except he's not even born yet in this one. Rating: BAD
Eleven: Hermione's Helping Hand Quidditch tryouts. Ron barely makes the cut, thanks entirely to Hermione's magical interference on his behalf. Rating: BAD
Twelve: Silver and Opals On an outing to the nearby town of Hogsmeade, Katie Bell is hospitalized after a brief exposure to an accursed necklace she somehow acquired. Harry suspects Señor Draco, in spite of his ironclad alibi. Rating: BAD
Thirteen: The Secret Riddle The second of Dumbledore's private lessons, which sees a young Voldemort invited to enroll at Hogwarts. Even as a boy, Tom Riddle displays all the signs of a sociopath. Rating: GOOD
Fourteen: Felix Felicis Ron gets into arguments with Hermione and Ginny, which in turn wrecks his confidence on the Quidditch field. Harry attempts to boost Ron's spirits through sleight of hand, but the results are only partially successful. Rating: GOOD
Fifteen: The Unbreakable Vow After 21 pages of bad "Saved By the Bell" plot twists, Harry breaks the lull by... wait for it... spying on Señor Draco. Rating: BAD
One of the things I like to think about when dealing with this book is how I would go about adapting this into the film version. I thought I heard once that the HP movies were gonna stop with the fourth one, but IMDB.com says the fifth is already scheduled for like 2007 or something, so I think the chances are pretty damn good for "Half-Blood Prince: The Movie!" And since this book is far larger than the first four, you have to assume that they'll have to hack out entire chapters just to make it fit the run time. As you can see from the list above, I've got a pretty good idea which ones aren't gonna make it. Unless Fleur turns out to be a Dark Lord of the Sith, or they score Sir Ian McKellan to play Voldemort's grandpa, I don't think Five and Ten will get a whole lot of screentime. In spite of himself, Kreacher might show up, but only because some film exec thinks he'd make a great special effect to put in the trailer.
But let me get back to Fifteen. If I were condensing this into a script, the first thing I'd probably do is lop off the first 21 pages of Chapter 15, because as I said, they're rendered more or less redundant by Chapter 14. Then I'd probably leave the last three in tact, since it reveals that Snape and Malfoy are in cahoots, and Señor Draco has some Death Eater mission, and Snape is honor bound to help him with it, whether they like it or not. And by leaving these three pages in, I could then chop off the entirety of Chapter 2 as well, since it essentially covers all the same information as the three pages from 15. The only difference is that in 15, Harry finally learns what the reader had learned in 2. You see where I'm going with this? What was the point of having a chapter outside of Harry's POV if it was just going to necessitate other chapters to get Harry caught up on the same information? I would have been happy to learn about Snape's oath right along with Harry, because at least then I'd be on the same page with the main character, instead of me being several dozen ahead of him.
And did we really need three "Spying on Malfoy" scenes? Considering that the only thing Harry got out of the second one was a broken nose that didn't even stay broken, I really have to question how long this book really needed to be. As I've said before, I think there's a good story in this book, but it's packed in foam peanuts, and Chapter 15, like several others, is one of the foam peanuts.
RATING: BAD
(wait, I already said that.)
NEXT: It's Christmas time in Hollis Queens/Mom's cooking chicken and collard greens.