May Two-Four.
All right. OK...
So now what?
Chapter 24: Sectumsempra
(Original Japanese Title: "Oh! What a Surprise!! The Super Dumbass-jin 3 Classic.")
Stop me if you've heard this one, but the morning after Harry's private lesson with Dumbledore, he discusses what he's learned with Galva Ron and Hermione. Yeah, I was shocked to see this myself.
The other big development is that Galva Ron and Lavender Brown split up. In something of a twist, it was Brown who initiated the break-up, because when the nWo left the dorm the night before in Chapter 22, Harry was invisible, so Lavender only saw the Outsiders together by themselves, which led her to assume the worst. Galva Ron prefers it this way, since at least this way he didn't have to be the one to dump her. I can go along with that.
Also in the "Who Gives a Crap?" department, Hermione informs Harry that Ginny and Dean broke up last night as well. Not surprisingly, Harry was the catalyst for this as well, because when he bumped into those two on his way out in Chapter 22, he was still invisible, so Ginny thought Dean was pushing her out. While this might seem like a minor grievance, Hermione claims that they'd been on the rocks for some time now anyway, so it wouldn't have taken much for them to have a meltdown like that. Later on, this causes Harry to experience a fierce battle within his feeble little brain.
She's Ron's sister.
But she's ditched Dean!
She's still Ron's sister
I'm his best mate!
That'll make it worse
If I talked to him first --
He'd hit you
What if I don't care?
He's your best mate!
Hey, you can still go out with Malfoy.
The hell?
Yeah, he's not really into Pansy. Just go up to him and give him a big kiss on the mouth. He'll love it.
But you're not gay!
That's right, I'm not gay!
Yeah, suuuure you're not.
Look, maybe I experimented a little in the orphanage, but that doesn't mean anything, all right?
Hey, I bet Ginny has sexy feet. Yeah, that's hot.
What? Who in blazes are you?
Oh, I'm your repressed foot fetish. See, your mom used to tickle you with her toes when you were a baby, and boom, here I am. At least I'm pretty sure that's what Dr. Drew said on the radio.
Dude, sick.
Yeah, I mean if it was Malfoy's feet, I could get behind that, but that's just messed up...
That's right, deny me. All I know is there's an entire box full of women's shoes under your bed, and you don't even remember collecting them.
Hey, does anybody wanna go to a furry convention?
Blimey, I'm one sick little bastard.
Before this can go on any further, we learn that Katie Bell is back from the hospital and ready to finish the Quidditch season. So I guess this would mark the first and last game with the original roster for the year. Better late than never. Naturally, Harry grills Katie about the necklace from Chapter 12, but Katie says she doesn't remember anything after pushing open the door to the restroom. Normally, this would at least mean that the person who gave her the necklace was female, but with Crabbe and Goyle running around disguised as girls, that doesn't really narrow anything down.
Frustrated, Harry briefly considers using his luck potion to take another crack at the Room of Requirement. Mercifully, Hermione advises against this, saying that while luck might have helped him maneuver Slughorn into giving him that memory, all the luck in the world won't help him divine the right command to gain access to the room. I'm not sure she's right about that, but she's saved me from reading about another hour of pulse-pounding wall telepathy, so good hustle, Granger. Besides, he might need the potion for when he's out destroying that Horcrux D-Dore is supposedly tracking down.
Galva Ron suggests brewing up some more, since it'd be good to have around, but according to the instructions in their textbook, it takes six months to brew, and it's hard to make. Lightweights. You give me the book, and the ingredients, and we'd be having Felix Felicis keggers six months from now. Kids these days. OK, maybe they'd have to go without luck potion for the foreseeable future, but that doesn't mean they won't need it in Book 7, right? You may as well get a batch going.
While checking that out, Harry's reminded of that spell he found in Halfy's notes, Sectumsempra, that's labeled "For Enemies". He hasn't gotten around to testing that one, mainly because he doesn't want to do it around Hermione, but he's seriously considering a field run on McLaggen, the serial killer who hit him in the head with a bat in Chapter 19. I think most people would be more concerned about the danger of using an unknown, untested spell, but I guess "not wanting to piss off Hermione" would rank up there, too. Whatever.
So Katie's back, Ron's back, Dean's off the team, McLaggen's off the team, and Harry's so hot for Ginny now that he can barely pay attention to how well Quidditch practice is going. This gets him hit in the head several more times. I guess Rowling doesn't think he's stupid enough yet. The battle still rages on in his head, much like how diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you: Ginny or Ron. Or Malfoy. Or a guy in a squirrel costume with a tentacle porn DVD. Or feet.
This is apparently an important game, since it decides the Championship. For whatever reason, Gryffindor has to beat Ravenclaw by three hundred points to be the champion. If they lose by more than a hundred, then they're in fourth place, which would be the first time that's ever happened since Louisiana still belonged to the French. Because Harry's an idiot, he somehow ties the outcome of the Quidditch season with his chances with Ginny. If they win, the high spirits of the party will somehow make everything work out for him, just like a drink of luck potion. This seems like specious reasoning to me, but I spent most of my high school years playing Mega Man and counting down the days until I could go to college, so I won't presume to understand the teenage mind. At any rate, the worst case scenario seems pretty unlikely. Even if he doesn't get the girl, he's still got a solid team, an already outstanding record. There's no way he could screw this up, even with his Super Dumbass powers.
HARRY: Oi, is that what you think? Well, how about I take it to the next level!
MIKE: What the f--? What are you doing?
HARRY: Blimey, I'll have to teach you a thing or two about dumbasses, starting with the basics.
MIKE: Oh, please no...
HARRY: This is my normal state.
MIKE: Yuh-huh.
HARRY: Nnngh! This is a Super Dumbass.
MIKE: (rubs temples) Yeah, keep going.
HARRY: And this... Hikeebah! THIS is what is known as a Super Dumbass that has ascended PAST a Super Dumbass. Or, you could just call this a Super Dumbass 2.
MIKE: That's great. Well, look, I gotta run acidities tomorrow, so if you don't mind, I'm gonna wrap this up and...
HARRY: Heh heh heh. Just wait.
(meanwhile, on top of a giant Christmas ornament)
GALVA RON: Oi, has he really found a way to surpass an Ascended Dumbass? Is that possible?
DARTH VADER: (suplexes a bear) He must be bluffing. I mean, what would that make him, double-ascended?
HARRY: And THIS--!
MIKE: Aw, man...
HARRY: Is to go... even... FURTHER... beyond! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Clouds start warping towards Harry, the earth trembles. Dogs and cats live together.)
GALVA RON: Unreal! How is he generating that much idiocy!?
BABY HARRY (from the future): Do it, Dad!
NEELIX FROM STAR TREK--VOYAGER: D-do WHAT?!
(Oceans surge with tidal waves, the red stripe in all tubes of Aquafresh turn green.)
HARRY: EEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
(meanwhile, in Snape's office...)
SNAPE: Mal never told you what happened to your father...
RIVER: Purple monkey dishwasher! Nuprin the Wet Sprocket. Quiche.
SNAPE: No. I am your father.
RIVER: Take off every zig! For great justice!
SNAPE: Blast it, this earthquake knocked over my lunchbox.
HARRY: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(meanwhile, in Dean Rasmussen's Smackdown comics...)
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DAVE BATISTA: What is Harry Potter doing? If he doesn't stop this, everything will be destroyed!
SIMON DEAN: DIE BATISTA DIE! I AM SIMON DEAN, DEATH DEALER!
HARRY: UNNNHHHH! UNNNGGGGHHHAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(meanwhile, on the moon.)
BATMAN: Blah blah blah, everyone sucks but me. Superman, you haven't inspired anyone since you died.
THE MOON: Rumble-rumble-rumble!
BATMAN: OMGWTF save us, Superman!
SUPERMAN: Yeah, maybe later. Taste it, bitches.
HARRY: NYYYYYARRRRRGGGGGHH! UNNNHHHH! UNNNNHHHH! AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
(Surreal image of Harry in fetal position, slowly turning into baby, superimposed by a giant shot of that creature living inside him who's horny for Ginny)
MIKE: Cripes, is this over yet?
HARRY: EEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (fwash! fwash! fwash!)
MIKE: Are you done? Because that took forever.
HARRY: I'm sorry that took so much longer than the others, but I haven't had much occasion to practice this one. This is what I call a Super Dumbass 3.
MIKE: So... what, exactly? You're gonna sabotage your own game and possibly kill your shot at a girlfriend? I'm sorry, I gotta call shenannigans on this one. No one's that stupid. Not even you.
HARRY: O RLY? Well, I'm ready. Let's do this quickly.
Okayyyyy... so it's a few days before the Big Game. By himself for a moment, Harry's scouting the place out for Señor Draco, only to find him in a certain restroom on the sixth floor... with that stupid ghost from Chapter 21. So Jim was right, and Señor Draco routinely runs to the bathroom to cry like a five-year-old girl. While wondering about this strange development, Harry walks right into a suit of armor on display in the hallway. Well, that is pretty dumb, I guess.
Upon arriving at the bathroom, he quietly opens the door a little to hear what's going on. There, indeed, is the stupid dead girl trying to console the inconsolable Malfoy, who seems certain that he can't do "it", and if he doesn't do "it" soon, then "he'll" kill him. I assume this can only refer to Voldemort killing Señor Draco if he doesn't carry out his secret mission. I also assume Harry somehow forgot that Malfoy would notice his reflection in the mirror, because that's exactly what happens.
And then it's an honest-to-goodness fight, as the two little twerps start whipping their wands out and shooting magic crap at each other. Every attack is either blocked or evaded, which causes a lot of stuff in the restroom to blow up. The ghost begs them to stop (Why? They can't hurt you, you're already dead.), and before Señor Draco can polish him off, Harry goes for his secret weapon, Sectumsempra (Just like the title of this cartoon!).
Whatever Harry expected it to do to the poor limey bastard, it turns out to be much, much worse. Señor Draco drops to the floor, bleeding profusely from magically induced lacerations across his face and chest. The ghost screams bloody murder (literally), while Harry looms over the corpus Draconi trying to figure out what he's done. Then Snape comes in. Yep. Super Dumbass 3.
Now, remember, Snape made an unbreakable vow to protect Señor Draco and help him complete his secret mission, so you can imagine why he's so determined to patch the kid up. His incantation is described as "sounding almost like a song". I can only hope that song is "Good Ol' Boys". Whatever it is works, and Señor Draco finally stops bleeding. Escorting the boy to the hospital, he commands Harry to stay put, something of a formality, as he appears to be in some sort of shock.
Ten minutes later, Snape's back and this time, it's personal. He demands to know where Harry learned that spell, and when Harry can't produce a convincing lie, he resorts to telepathy, and learns of Harry's Potions textbook. He orders Harry to bring him every textbook he has, and Harry runs off to do as he says. And in spite of the gravity of this situation, Harry is determined not to allow Snape to get ahold of Halfy's book. So he borrows Ron's. Yeah, this should go over well.
So what's he do with his own book, well, he heads for the Room of Requirement to dump it in there. I assume since Señor Draco isn't using it at the moment, Harry doesn't have any trouble getting it open, as he asks the room to become a place to hide his book, and it opens to reveal a treasure trove of contraband that had been hidden over the years. Stowing it in a place he figures he'll be able to find again later on, he leaves the room and continues on his way back to Snape, anxious over whether his scheme will work. Yeah, you nearly killed a guy, but that's what you should be worried about. Your damn BOOK.
Snape asks him three times if this is HIS Potions textbook, and Harry affirms three times that it is. And so Snape asks him to explain why the name in the book is "Roonil Wazlib." Super. Dumbass. 3.
Harry claims this is his nickname, rather than the result of Galva Ron's faulty spell-checking pen, and while Snape doesn't appear to dispute this notion, he still declares that Harry's a liar and a cheat. Well, yes, but you forgot to mention "dumb as a bag of hammers." As penance for his bathroom brawl, Snape gives him detention every Saturday morning for the rest of the year. Um, shouldn't charges be filed? Notify the parents or something?
Needless to say, Harry finds this a wee bit excessive. After all, this first Saturday is the Big Game. I mean, hey, it's not like he cut out Malfoy's spine and made a necklace out of his vertebrae. Can't we cut the kid a break? But Snape ain't having any of this.
The aftermath of this incident is Hermione gloating about how she was right about the Half-Blood Prince being dangerous, while Harry seems stuck between blaming the Prince to absolve himself, or blaming himself so Hermione can't bust his balls over using that spell. Harry repeatedly claims to regret what he did to Señor Draco, but frankly I'm not buying it. He only regrets getting caught, and getting detention for it, and for missing that game as a result.
For detention, Harry has to spend all day in Snape's office transcribing old files of punishments for Hogwarts alumni. As Snape explains, when the ink fades, or mice damage the pages, someone has to make a fresh copy. I would think Hogwarts could simply invest in a computer, or maybe just destroy such records, as they obviously have little importance twenty years after the fact, but then Snape wouldn't have anything to punish students with, so shows what I know. I'm almost behind Snape on all this, until he decides to be cute, and has Harry start with the files on his father and Sirius Black, in some stupid effort to add insult to injury or something. Dude, no one gives a crap. This is the problem with Snape, because if he were doing his job right, Harry would feel remorse for what he's done. As it is, this is only gonna have Harry feeling resentment for Snape for what HE'S done.
Once he gets out, Harry goes back to the dorm, anxious over how the game turned out without him there to lead his team. And he enters the room to find... they won. That's right, Gryffindor is the champions. And then Harry throws caution to the wind and kisses Ginny on the mouth. Since Ron doesn't try to kill him, Harry decides everything's cool, and so that thing in his chest roars in triumph. Yeah, sure. You know that's how you can tell that it's a woman writing this book. You got a boy making out with a girl he likes, and it's a thing in his CHEST that's excited about this. Little further south, Joanne.
I'm of two minds on this one. First, this chapter actually had a bunch of stuff HAPPEN in it. That's good. Lately, even the chapters that move the plot along do so only with a large amount of exposition. Here, we actually get a little farther with Señor Draco, and nearly kill him at the same time. That works.
On the other hand, I'm a little dissatisfied with how Harry makes out here. He grievously wounds Malfoy, is forced to skip out of his big game because of it, and... his team wins anyway? And he gets the girl anyway? There's something very wrong about all this, that Harry's still being treated like a hero instead of the reckless, selfish liar that he is in this chapter. The only comeuppance he's gotten here is the detention thing, which is made to look more like Snape being a jerk than Harry being rightfully punished for maiming a fellow student. My reaction to both characters ends up being pretty lukewarm, in part because Señor Draco doesn't even stay injured for that long. I can't hate Snape because he's basically doing the right thing here, but I don't really like him either, because he seems more interested in busting Harry's balls instead of restoring order. And I can't sympathize with Harry, since this entire ordeal is of his own making, but I can't exactly condemn his actions, since Malfoy started the fight and apparently gaping flesh wounds aren't that big a deal here.
Still, at least this follows up on my demand for that fight they teased in Chapter Six, so I can't much complain. Nevertheless, this is another one of those cases of the book winning the battle but losing the war. The chapter's good, but it still isn't doing much to redeem the overall novel.
RATING: GOOD
NEXT: Harry's so mad he TALKS IN ALL CAPS OMGWTFBYOB!!!!!
So now what?
Chapter 24: Sectumsempra
(Original Japanese Title: "Oh! What a Surprise!! The Super Dumbass-jin 3 Classic.")
Stop me if you've heard this one, but the morning after Harry's private lesson with Dumbledore, he discusses what he's learned with Galva Ron and Hermione. Yeah, I was shocked to see this myself.
The other big development is that Galva Ron and Lavender Brown split up. In something of a twist, it was Brown who initiated the break-up, because when the nWo left the dorm the night before in Chapter 22, Harry was invisible, so Lavender only saw the Outsiders together by themselves, which led her to assume the worst. Galva Ron prefers it this way, since at least this way he didn't have to be the one to dump her. I can go along with that.
Also in the "Who Gives a Crap?" department, Hermione informs Harry that Ginny and Dean broke up last night as well. Not surprisingly, Harry was the catalyst for this as well, because when he bumped into those two on his way out in Chapter 22, he was still invisible, so Ginny thought Dean was pushing her out. While this might seem like a minor grievance, Hermione claims that they'd been on the rocks for some time now anyway, so it wouldn't have taken much for them to have a meltdown like that. Later on, this causes Harry to experience a fierce battle within his feeble little brain.
She's Ron's sister.
But she's ditched Dean!
She's still Ron's sister
I'm his best mate!
That'll make it worse
If I talked to him first --
He'd hit you
What if I don't care?
He's your best mate!
Hey, you can still go out with Malfoy.
The hell?
Yeah, he's not really into Pansy. Just go up to him and give him a big kiss on the mouth. He'll love it.
But you're not gay!
That's right, I'm not gay!
Yeah, suuuure you're not.
Look, maybe I experimented a little in the orphanage, but that doesn't mean anything, all right?
Hey, I bet Ginny has sexy feet. Yeah, that's hot.
What? Who in blazes are you?
Oh, I'm your repressed foot fetish. See, your mom used to tickle you with her toes when you were a baby, and boom, here I am. At least I'm pretty sure that's what Dr. Drew said on the radio.
Dude, sick.
Yeah, I mean if it was Malfoy's feet, I could get behind that, but that's just messed up...
That's right, deny me. All I know is there's an entire box full of women's shoes under your bed, and you don't even remember collecting them.
Hey, does anybody wanna go to a furry convention?
Blimey, I'm one sick little bastard.
Before this can go on any further, we learn that Katie Bell is back from the hospital and ready to finish the Quidditch season. So I guess this would mark the first and last game with the original roster for the year. Better late than never. Naturally, Harry grills Katie about the necklace from Chapter 12, but Katie says she doesn't remember anything after pushing open the door to the restroom. Normally, this would at least mean that the person who gave her the necklace was female, but with Crabbe and Goyle running around disguised as girls, that doesn't really narrow anything down.
Frustrated, Harry briefly considers using his luck potion to take another crack at the Room of Requirement. Mercifully, Hermione advises against this, saying that while luck might have helped him maneuver Slughorn into giving him that memory, all the luck in the world won't help him divine the right command to gain access to the room. I'm not sure she's right about that, but she's saved me from reading about another hour of pulse-pounding wall telepathy, so good hustle, Granger. Besides, he might need the potion for when he's out destroying that Horcrux D-Dore is supposedly tracking down.
Galva Ron suggests brewing up some more, since it'd be good to have around, but according to the instructions in their textbook, it takes six months to brew, and it's hard to make. Lightweights. You give me the book, and the ingredients, and we'd be having Felix Felicis keggers six months from now. Kids these days. OK, maybe they'd have to go without luck potion for the foreseeable future, but that doesn't mean they won't need it in Book 7, right? You may as well get a batch going.
While checking that out, Harry's reminded of that spell he found in Halfy's notes, Sectumsempra, that's labeled "For Enemies". He hasn't gotten around to testing that one, mainly because he doesn't want to do it around Hermione, but he's seriously considering a field run on McLaggen, the serial killer who hit him in the head with a bat in Chapter 19. I think most people would be more concerned about the danger of using an unknown, untested spell, but I guess "not wanting to piss off Hermione" would rank up there, too. Whatever.
So Katie's back, Ron's back, Dean's off the team, McLaggen's off the team, and Harry's so hot for Ginny now that he can barely pay attention to how well Quidditch practice is going. This gets him hit in the head several more times. I guess Rowling doesn't think he's stupid enough yet. The battle still rages on in his head, much like how diarrhea is like a storm raging inside you: Ginny or Ron. Or Malfoy. Or a guy in a squirrel costume with a tentacle porn DVD. Or feet.
This is apparently an important game, since it decides the Championship. For whatever reason, Gryffindor has to beat Ravenclaw by three hundred points to be the champion. If they lose by more than a hundred, then they're in fourth place, which would be the first time that's ever happened since Louisiana still belonged to the French. Because Harry's an idiot, he somehow ties the outcome of the Quidditch season with his chances with Ginny. If they win, the high spirits of the party will somehow make everything work out for him, just like a drink of luck potion. This seems like specious reasoning to me, but I spent most of my high school years playing Mega Man and counting down the days until I could go to college, so I won't presume to understand the teenage mind. At any rate, the worst case scenario seems pretty unlikely. Even if he doesn't get the girl, he's still got a solid team, an already outstanding record. There's no way he could screw this up, even with his Super Dumbass powers.
HARRY: Oi, is that what you think? Well, how about I take it to the next level!
MIKE: What the f--? What are you doing?
HARRY: Blimey, I'll have to teach you a thing or two about dumbasses, starting with the basics.
MIKE: Oh, please no...
HARRY: This is my normal state.
MIKE: Yuh-huh.
HARRY: Nnngh! This is a Super Dumbass.
MIKE: (rubs temples) Yeah, keep going.
HARRY: And this... Hikeebah! THIS is what is known as a Super Dumbass that has ascended PAST a Super Dumbass. Or, you could just call this a Super Dumbass 2.
MIKE: That's great. Well, look, I gotta run acidities tomorrow, so if you don't mind, I'm gonna wrap this up and...
HARRY: Heh heh heh. Just wait.
(meanwhile, on top of a giant Christmas ornament)
GALVA RON: Oi, has he really found a way to surpass an Ascended Dumbass? Is that possible?
DARTH VADER: (suplexes a bear) He must be bluffing. I mean, what would that make him, double-ascended?
HARRY: And THIS--!
MIKE: Aw, man...
HARRY: Is to go... even... FURTHER... beyond! AAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!
(Clouds start warping towards Harry, the earth trembles. Dogs and cats live together.)
GALVA RON: Unreal! How is he generating that much idiocy!?
BABY HARRY (from the future): Do it, Dad!
NEELIX FROM STAR TREK--VOYAGER: D-do WHAT?!
(Oceans surge with tidal waves, the red stripe in all tubes of Aquafresh turn green.)
HARRY: EEEEEEEYYYYYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
(meanwhile, in Snape's office...)
SNAPE: Mal never told you what happened to your father...
RIVER: Purple monkey dishwasher! Nuprin the Wet Sprocket. Quiche.
SNAPE: No. I am your father.
RIVER: Take off every zig! For great justice!
SNAPE: Blast it, this earthquake knocked over my lunchbox.
HARRY: BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(meanwhile, in Dean Rasmussen's Smackdown comics...)
WORLD HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION DAVE BATISTA: What is Harry Potter doing? If he doesn't stop this, everything will be destroyed!
SIMON DEAN: DIE BATISTA DIE! I AM SIMON DEAN, DEATH DEALER!
HARRY: UNNNHHHH! UNNNGGGGHHHAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(meanwhile, on the moon.)
BATMAN: Blah blah blah, everyone sucks but me. Superman, you haven't inspired anyone since you died.
THE MOON: Rumble-rumble-rumble!
BATMAN: OMGWTF save us, Superman!
SUPERMAN: Yeah, maybe later. Taste it, bitches.
HARRY: NYYYYYARRRRRGGGGGHH! UNNNHHHH! UNNNNHHHH! AAAARRRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!
(Surreal image of Harry in fetal position, slowly turning into baby, superimposed by a giant shot of that creature living inside him who's horny for Ginny)
MIKE: Cripes, is this over yet?
HARRY: EEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! (fwash! fwash! fwash!)
MIKE: Are you done? Because that took forever.
HARRY: I'm sorry that took so much longer than the others, but I haven't had much occasion to practice this one. This is what I call a Super Dumbass 3.
MIKE: So... what, exactly? You're gonna sabotage your own game and possibly kill your shot at a girlfriend? I'm sorry, I gotta call shenannigans on this one. No one's that stupid. Not even you.
HARRY: O RLY? Well, I'm ready. Let's do this quickly.
Okayyyyy... so it's a few days before the Big Game. By himself for a moment, Harry's scouting the place out for Señor Draco, only to find him in a certain restroom on the sixth floor... with that stupid ghost from Chapter 21. So Jim was right, and Señor Draco routinely runs to the bathroom to cry like a five-year-old girl. While wondering about this strange development, Harry walks right into a suit of armor on display in the hallway. Well, that is pretty dumb, I guess.
Upon arriving at the bathroom, he quietly opens the door a little to hear what's going on. There, indeed, is the stupid dead girl trying to console the inconsolable Malfoy, who seems certain that he can't do "it", and if he doesn't do "it" soon, then "he'll" kill him. I assume this can only refer to Voldemort killing Señor Draco if he doesn't carry out his secret mission. I also assume Harry somehow forgot that Malfoy would notice his reflection in the mirror, because that's exactly what happens.
And then it's an honest-to-goodness fight, as the two little twerps start whipping their wands out and shooting magic crap at each other. Every attack is either blocked or evaded, which causes a lot of stuff in the restroom to blow up. The ghost begs them to stop (Why? They can't hurt you, you're already dead.), and before Señor Draco can polish him off, Harry goes for his secret weapon, Sectumsempra (Just like the title of this cartoon!).
Whatever Harry expected it to do to the poor limey bastard, it turns out to be much, much worse. Señor Draco drops to the floor, bleeding profusely from magically induced lacerations across his face and chest. The ghost screams bloody murder (literally), while Harry looms over the corpus Draconi trying to figure out what he's done. Then Snape comes in. Yep. Super Dumbass 3.
Now, remember, Snape made an unbreakable vow to protect Señor Draco and help him complete his secret mission, so you can imagine why he's so determined to patch the kid up. His incantation is described as "sounding almost like a song". I can only hope that song is "Good Ol' Boys". Whatever it is works, and Señor Draco finally stops bleeding. Escorting the boy to the hospital, he commands Harry to stay put, something of a formality, as he appears to be in some sort of shock.
Ten minutes later, Snape's back and this time, it's personal. He demands to know where Harry learned that spell, and when Harry can't produce a convincing lie, he resorts to telepathy, and learns of Harry's Potions textbook. He orders Harry to bring him every textbook he has, and Harry runs off to do as he says. And in spite of the gravity of this situation, Harry is determined not to allow Snape to get ahold of Halfy's book. So he borrows Ron's. Yeah, this should go over well.
So what's he do with his own book, well, he heads for the Room of Requirement to dump it in there. I assume since Señor Draco isn't using it at the moment, Harry doesn't have any trouble getting it open, as he asks the room to become a place to hide his book, and it opens to reveal a treasure trove of contraband that had been hidden over the years. Stowing it in a place he figures he'll be able to find again later on, he leaves the room and continues on his way back to Snape, anxious over whether his scheme will work. Yeah, you nearly killed a guy, but that's what you should be worried about. Your damn BOOK.
Snape asks him three times if this is HIS Potions textbook, and Harry affirms three times that it is. And so Snape asks him to explain why the name in the book is "Roonil Wazlib." Super. Dumbass. 3.
Harry claims this is his nickname, rather than the result of Galva Ron's faulty spell-checking pen, and while Snape doesn't appear to dispute this notion, he still declares that Harry's a liar and a cheat. Well, yes, but you forgot to mention "dumb as a bag of hammers." As penance for his bathroom brawl, Snape gives him detention every Saturday morning for the rest of the year. Um, shouldn't charges be filed? Notify the parents or something?
Needless to say, Harry finds this a wee bit excessive. After all, this first Saturday is the Big Game. I mean, hey, it's not like he cut out Malfoy's spine and made a necklace out of his vertebrae. Can't we cut the kid a break? But Snape ain't having any of this.
The aftermath of this incident is Hermione gloating about how she was right about the Half-Blood Prince being dangerous, while Harry seems stuck between blaming the Prince to absolve himself, or blaming himself so Hermione can't bust his balls over using that spell. Harry repeatedly claims to regret what he did to Señor Draco, but frankly I'm not buying it. He only regrets getting caught, and getting detention for it, and for missing that game as a result.
For detention, Harry has to spend all day in Snape's office transcribing old files of punishments for Hogwarts alumni. As Snape explains, when the ink fades, or mice damage the pages, someone has to make a fresh copy. I would think Hogwarts could simply invest in a computer, or maybe just destroy such records, as they obviously have little importance twenty years after the fact, but then Snape wouldn't have anything to punish students with, so shows what I know. I'm almost behind Snape on all this, until he decides to be cute, and has Harry start with the files on his father and Sirius Black, in some stupid effort to add insult to injury or something. Dude, no one gives a crap. This is the problem with Snape, because if he were doing his job right, Harry would feel remorse for what he's done. As it is, this is only gonna have Harry feeling resentment for Snape for what HE'S done.
Once he gets out, Harry goes back to the dorm, anxious over how the game turned out without him there to lead his team. And he enters the room to find... they won. That's right, Gryffindor is the champions. And then Harry throws caution to the wind and kisses Ginny on the mouth. Since Ron doesn't try to kill him, Harry decides everything's cool, and so that thing in his chest roars in triumph. Yeah, sure. You know that's how you can tell that it's a woman writing this book. You got a boy making out with a girl he likes, and it's a thing in his CHEST that's excited about this. Little further south, Joanne.
I'm of two minds on this one. First, this chapter actually had a bunch of stuff HAPPEN in it. That's good. Lately, even the chapters that move the plot along do so only with a large amount of exposition. Here, we actually get a little farther with Señor Draco, and nearly kill him at the same time. That works.
On the other hand, I'm a little dissatisfied with how Harry makes out here. He grievously wounds Malfoy, is forced to skip out of his big game because of it, and... his team wins anyway? And he gets the girl anyway? There's something very wrong about all this, that Harry's still being treated like a hero instead of the reckless, selfish liar that he is in this chapter. The only comeuppance he's gotten here is the detention thing, which is made to look more like Snape being a jerk than Harry being rightfully punished for maiming a fellow student. My reaction to both characters ends up being pretty lukewarm, in part because Señor Draco doesn't even stay injured for that long. I can't hate Snape because he's basically doing the right thing here, but I don't really like him either, because he seems more interested in busting Harry's balls instead of restoring order. And I can't sympathize with Harry, since this entire ordeal is of his own making, but I can't exactly condemn his actions, since Malfoy started the fight and apparently gaping flesh wounds aren't that big a deal here.
Still, at least this follows up on my demand for that fight they teased in Chapter Six, so I can't much complain. Nevertheless, this is another one of those cases of the book winning the battle but losing the war. The chapter's good, but it still isn't doing much to redeem the overall novel.
RATING: GOOD
NEXT: Harry's so mad he TALKS IN ALL CAPS OMGWTFBYOB!!!!!