Song For the Man
Mike > Glycerine.
Let's review the plot points so far.
A) Sirius Black broke out of prison.
2) Harry Potter almost killed his aunt.
Now, since Harry used lethal force via magic, and he's only like thirteen years old, this is a big huge deal. He flees his aunt and uncle's house, crap in tow, and is left to contemplate life as an outcast. A fugitive. A vagabond. A drifter. But somewhere, along the long, winding roads that criss-cross along this weary old world, perhaps Harry Potter might somehow find redemption, or at least something that might fill the gaping hole in his soul...
Or not. In a ridiculous turn of events, the Minister of Magic tracks Harry down, cleans up his mess for him, and basically tells him he's off the hook. Also, he puts him up for three complimentary weeks at the Leaky Cauldron............................................
Just like the title of this cartoon!
Chapter 4: The Leaky Cauldron (Original Japanese Title: "Strength of the Rat! The Destiny Music Which is Not Uniform!!")
So for three weeks, Harry can go wherever he wants, as long as he doesn't leave Diagon Alley, which apparently doesn't bother him at all, since by all rights he should be serving hard time. You'll do hard time. You know the Big Boss Man, he'll make 'em walk the line. Better watch out bud, or you'll be serving hard time.
Sorry, I'll stop.
(He carries a big stick, a ball and chain, too....)
So what does one do for three weeks at a pub? Well, I'm glad you asked that, because this book is apparently gonna tell us. For openers, Harry peoplewatches, most notably catching sight of someone who looked "suspiciously like a hag". Next to that, I wrote "She's gonna kick Popeye's ass later". That seemed pretty funny when I wrote it, but now I don't know why I bothered. He goes window shopping, he does homework with impunity, and gets to eat free sundaes every half hour. Screw you, Harry Potter.
After making a withdrawal from his parent's trust fund, Harry treats himself by purchasing the longest sentence of all time: He had to keep reminding himself that he had five years to go at Hogwarts, and how it would feel to ask the Dursleys for money for spellbooks, to stop himself from buying a handsome set of solid gold Gobstones (a wizarding game rather like marbles, in which the stones squrt a nasty-smelling liquid into the other player's face when they lose a point). Twenty bucks. Plus an extra two-fifty to have it formatted in bold.
Besides smelly, fluid-filled balls, other highlights Harry sees include a moving model of the galaxy, which I find rather dubious since much of the far side of the Milky Way Galaxy is permanently obscured from view by the dense cluster of stars at the galactic core. Right now, there's probably an alien dude flipping you off as we speak, and you'll never know about it. Also, there's some new model of broomstick out now, called the Firebolt, after the Nebulon rebel who partnered up with Hot Rod when the Autobots developed Targetmaster technolgy. A poem to explain:
Targetmaster Transformers
Two Transformers out of one
The vehicle transforms
And so does the gun!
Targetmaster Transformers
More, much more than meets the eye...
Anyway, it'll save time if I just explain that this stupid broom is Harry Potter's version of that Red Ryder BB gun the kid wanted for Christmas in that movie, Jingle All the Way. The Firebolt's advanced features include it's "streamlined, superfine handle of ash." Maybe she meant to say pyrolitic graphite. I dunno. Also, each twig in the broomtail has been "honed to aerodynamic perfection". I thought the whole point of flying around on a broom was that you didn't need the principles of aerodynamics. Because if you're gonna start redesigning brooms to take advatange of that sort of thing, then you'd just end up abandoning the broom concept altogether and start from the ground up. The price is available on request, which pretty much means that you ham'n'eggers ain't getting one anytime soon. Also, Harry already has a damn broom, and it's served him well so far, but that doesn't stop him from swinging by every day to drool over the Firebolt, which the book says he wanted more than anything in his whole life. So if Harry ever found all seven Dragon Balls, his dead parents can pretty much suck it, because he's getting his ass a Firebolt.
Since school is right around the corner, and these crappy books all have to follow the same tired formula lockstep, Harry goes to buy school supplies. I've never understood the hoopla behind back-to-school shopping. Around August or so, me and my brothers would go to Target, get a ruler, maybe a Trapper Keeper to replace the one from last year because the plastic seams tear loose over time. And that's it. The way these books and most stores would have you believe, this is an event of epic proportions, like Christmas. Anyway, Harry goes to the bookstore and notices a big cage prominently displayed, full of monster books like the one he got for his birthday. They bite and snarl and beat the crap out of each other, so I'm pretty sure these are discounted copies of the "Left Behind" series. The movies bite too, from what I've heard.
Striking up a conversation with the manager, who may be Flourish or Botts, I can't tell, Harry hears the whole sob story about how monster books might not have been such a good idea after all. This is worse than the time they stocked a bunch of copies of the Invisible Book of Invisibility and ended up losing them all. You're an idiot, Flourish and/or Botts. However, points to Rowling for mentioning a book entitled Predicting the Unpreditable: Insulate Yourself Against Shocks and Broken Balls: When Fortunes Turn Foul. That's right, not only did Rowling use two colons in a book title, but she also said balls in a manner completely devoid of subtext.
Around here, Harry spots a book about Death Omens, which would have been a sweet name for an early 80's metal band, and the manager warns him against it, since it can make a person paranoid so they see death omens everywhere. "It's enough to frighten anyone to death." Ha ha ha ha. Mr. Manager, you're too much! But anyway, Harry's more focused on the picture of the cover, because he can't read. Also, it's a big black dog in the picture, because apparently we have to keep reminding the reader that this is somehow important. Rowling's got a Chekhov's gun, people, and she's not afraid to use it!
So, needless to say, Daigon Alley is full of tedious, mind numbing stuff to do for three weeks. Harry starts keeping an eye out for Ron and Hermione, because he's the only person dumb enough to actively seek them out, and finally he runs into them at the ice cream store. Presumably, Big Ron and Hermy G have to pay for their sundaes, since they haven't murdered anyone in the last thrirty days. Rowling describes Ron as being freckly, and Hermione as "very brown". So Hermione's black? Man, Warner Bros. really miscast her then, huh? I was under the impression that Book III was supposed to contain all the miraculous proof that Harry and Hermione were meant to be, yet here we have the Outsiders, introduced in this book as a single unit. Ah, well, everyone told me Book III was supposed to not suck, and we've seen how well that promise has held up.
In regards to the whole reckless endangerment from Chapter Two, Harry mumbles that he "lost control", and Hermione just seems concerned that this might have gotten him expelled. I'll explain it one more time, because I think people keep missing my point. This is not some thing where the Gryffindors seem fated to get away with anything while the Slytherins are irrationally branded as villains. I'm not getting into the P.O.V. issues of the narrative, where the flawed character presents a skewed, imperfect version of events. The trouble I have here is that there seems to be a blind spot on this single incident. Hermione is appalled that Harry would do something that would endanger his future prosperity, Fudge is appalled that Harry inconvenienced him at a critical moment, and the Durselys are probably just apalled that Harry did something freaky in their house again. No one seems to care that a person was harmed, and no one seems to take interest in the anti-social nature of Harry's transgression. The way Hermione reacts, you'd think all Harry did was leave a flaming bag of dog poo on Dumbledore's front porch.
Actually, let's explore that for a moment.
"Oh, how delightful to have visitors on this fine morning, and-- Most odd, there appears to be no one here... However, my larger-than-average brainpower notes that there is a fire on that flighty temptress, my porch. I shall simply extinguish the blaze, quickly as you please, with my shoe... Oh, dear, that is a most unsavory odor indeed."
Ah, it's funny because he's dead.
Anyway, the more serious nature of what Harry had done seems to be over everyone's heads. The act itself wouldn't be, mind you, as Ron notes that if he ever blew up one of his aunts, not only would the Ministry have his ass in a sling, since he's not famous like Harry, but that he'd catch hell from his mother, who obviously doesn't take any crap. Granted, Harry doesn't have a mother, because she's dead, which makes him the angry orphan with a chip on his shoulder, but given all the mentor figures he keeps running into, you'd think that someone would take issue with what he's done. NOT because it would ruin Harry's reputation, but because it was a thoughtless and cruel act. Everyone in the book seems to understand that, but no one's saying it, like this is some minor detail that we can afford to overlook.
Which is annoying, since it's not like these three twits have anything more interesting to discuss. Did you get all your books? Hey, we're spending the night here and going to the train station in the morning. I'm surprised Ron doesn't ask if it's hot enough for ya. It really ticks me off that this book is considerably shorter than the last one I read, but it doesn't seem to be any lighter on timewasting filler like this. Hermi1 is taking "Muggle Studies", which Harry finds dumb since she knows all about Muggles from living with her parents, but she wants to "study them from the wizarding point of view". One sick freak, right there. I also understand Hermione's taking Corona Extra Studies this year as well. Also, she's got some extra money left over to buy an early birthday present, and she wants an owl. Harry has an owl. Ron doesn't have an owl, he just uses the family owl that he shares with his 85 brothers and parents. Ron does have a rat. He carries the filthy thing around with him wherever he goes, apparently. Ron wants to get him checked out because he's sick. Harry suggests that go to the creature shop and get some medical attention for the rat, and Hermione can buy herself an owl. Then her owl can eat Ron's rat. They pay for their ice cream and go to the store. They walk into the store. This book blows.
According to Ron, the rat's been under the weather since he took him to Egypt. OK, first of all, how can you even tell a rat is sick, anyway? Aren't they always kind of riddled with disease? I'm waiting for a rat enthusiast to come along and correct me, but I'm pretty sure there aren't any. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if Ron's only keeping this thing alive so he can feed it to a pet snake he enjoys a lot more. Second, he really does take the damn thing with him everywhere he goes. I think it's fair to infer from this passage that the rat has definitely seen Ron pee, probably every single time since Ron got him, too. Might explain why he's sick.
Ever the professional, the witch veterenarian asks how old the rat is, and what powers he has. He's a RAT, ass. He has the proportionate strength of a rat. That's his super power.
The witch suggests a rat tonic, which just seems kind of pointless to me, since it could only end up making the rat more like a rat. Then Ron gets attacked by some orange cat from out of nowhere. Garfield's BACK, and this time, it's PERSONAL.
Actually, this cat is named "Crookshanks", as demonstrated by the witch yelling "NO CROOKSHANKS, NO!" This is dumb, because I would have figured that the best possible thing one could do for this rat would be to feed him to a less hideous creature. Circle of life, man. The cat chases after the rat, which naturally attracts the attention of a dog in the store, which draws the ire of a dog catcher, and then a cannibal starts chasing the dog catcher, and then the cannibal is pursued by the Cannibal Police, and it all winds up on a collision course to WACKINESS. Later, we learn that Hermione bought the damn cat.
Ron demands to know why Hermione would buy a big ass cat, right when his rat is sick and needs rest and relaxation. Yeah, I think this is one of those "anvil-sized hints" they talk about, since people who are "just friends" don't usually argue about how their incompatible pets will live together. I, for one, suggest letting the things have it out in a final, desperate battle. But no one ever listens to me.
"Oi," said Ron, looking like he'd just had a stroke of brilliance, "let's put that cat in a box and light him on fire!"
"That's a great idea," said Harry, who harbored a deep, abiding hatred for all living things.
"What a dreadful thing to day," said Hermione, appalled that her friends would ever suggest cat immolation for amusement. "How can you boys laugh at the thought of burning poor Crookshanks?"
"But we were gonna play music while we watch," Ron explained. "I've got this smashing mp3 cued up from the video game 'Doom'!"
"Frickin' awesome," said Harry, who loved first-person shooters almost as much as he loved Quidditch, his owl Hedwig, and the gentle sensation of a human larnyx crushing under the pressure of his grip.
"Harry. No," said Hermione. "Nothing justifies cruelty to animals. Not even Doom music."
OK, I made that exchange up, but who cares? It's not like anything else cool was going on.
Sheesh, this thing STILL isn't over. Now we gotta meet the Weasleys, which sucks because it's not like they were that interesting the last time. Percy is described as the Head Boy. Thanks, book, I almost forgot. Really. Percy greets Harry like a politician, so Fred and George, or as I like to call them, the Suck Brothers, make fun of him. If you're not in the know, Fred and George are supposed to be the funny twins in the books, except for the part where they aren't really funny, and they don't really come across as twin brothers very well. It's far simpler to refer to them collectively as F&G. Their mom tells F&G to lay off Head Boy, and she brags to Harry about how Percy's the second Head Boy in the family. Dammit, ENOUGH. He's the Head Boy. WE KNOW THAT. IT DOESN'T FREAKING MATTER.
Turns out all these jerks are getting escorted to the train station by Ministry cars. There's a reason for this, but Mr. Weasley doesn't want to divulge it. Later that night, Harry leaves his room and overhears that Percy lost his Head Boy Badge (ARRRRGGGGHHH!) and then eavesdrops on the folks, only to find out from their arguing that Sirius Black is almost certainly after Harry, and this is why the Ministry has been so careful around him, because they're trying to protect him from Black if and when he makes his move. Molly thinks they should keep the truth of the danger from Harry, while Art wants to tell him, so he'll at least understand why no one wants him to wander off. Of course, the whole discussion's moot now, but at least we're all up to speed on Black's motivation, more or less.
There's some bit where F&G alter Percy's badge to read "Bighead Boy". That's not even funny. Why the hell would you even go to the trouble for such a weak joke? And Harry closes out the chapter contemplating what he's learned. He's not scared at all, and the reason for that is the old chesnut about Hogwarts being super-mega-ultra-safe, especially since Dumbledore's there running it. Yeah, Book VI kept singing that tune over and over again, too. Ultimately, he's just annoyed that no one would tell him the truth, as though he couldn't look out for himself. Yeah, because this is all about your ego, you little turd. "He'd escaped Lord Voldemort three times; he wasn't completely useless...." Yeah, wanna bet? Somehow I have a sinking feeling this book will end with some sort of climactic showdown, and Harry will be standing on the sidelines watching impotently. Bold prediction.
All right, we're like four chapters into this thing, and nothing's freaking happening. I can sort of understand taking the time to set up your characters, except Rowling insists on wasting time on ancilliaries like the Dursleys and the Lesser Weasleys, who won't even affect the outcome of the story later anyway. And maybe all these magic shops add atmosphere to the book, but I'm pretty sure that was plain old regular ice cream they were eating, so I call it padding. Maybe I'm the one who's nuts, but I would have rather read about how Black's daring prison break, seeing as how all the characters point to his escape as a sign of how formidable a foe he's supposed to be. But yeah, I guess we needed this chapter to tell us about how Harry doesn't buy a new broom, and how Ron didn't get his rat fixed up, and how Hermione didn't spend her birthday money on a book or an owl. Fascinating stuff.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: Dr. Demento, or something like that.
Let's review the plot points so far.
A) Sirius Black broke out of prison.
2) Harry Potter almost killed his aunt.
Now, since Harry used lethal force via magic, and he's only like thirteen years old, this is a big huge deal. He flees his aunt and uncle's house, crap in tow, and is left to contemplate life as an outcast. A fugitive. A vagabond. A drifter. But somewhere, along the long, winding roads that criss-cross along this weary old world, perhaps Harry Potter might somehow find redemption, or at least something that might fill the gaping hole in his soul...
Or not. In a ridiculous turn of events, the Minister of Magic tracks Harry down, cleans up his mess for him, and basically tells him he's off the hook. Also, he puts him up for three complimentary weeks at the Leaky Cauldron............................................
Just like the title of this cartoon!
Chapter 4: The Leaky Cauldron (Original Japanese Title: "Strength of the Rat! The Destiny Music Which is Not Uniform!!")
So for three weeks, Harry can go wherever he wants, as long as he doesn't leave Diagon Alley, which apparently doesn't bother him at all, since by all rights he should be serving hard time. You'll do hard time. You know the Big Boss Man, he'll make 'em walk the line. Better watch out bud, or you'll be serving hard time.
Sorry, I'll stop.
(He carries a big stick, a ball and chain, too....)
So what does one do for three weeks at a pub? Well, I'm glad you asked that, because this book is apparently gonna tell us. For openers, Harry peoplewatches, most notably catching sight of someone who looked "suspiciously like a hag". Next to that, I wrote "She's gonna kick Popeye's ass later". That seemed pretty funny when I wrote it, but now I don't know why I bothered. He goes window shopping, he does homework with impunity, and gets to eat free sundaes every half hour. Screw you, Harry Potter.
After making a withdrawal from his parent's trust fund, Harry treats himself by purchasing the longest sentence of all time: He had to keep reminding himself that he had five years to go at Hogwarts, and how it would feel to ask the Dursleys for money for spellbooks, to stop himself from buying a handsome set of solid gold Gobstones (a wizarding game rather like marbles, in which the stones squrt a nasty-smelling liquid into the other player's face when they lose a point). Twenty bucks. Plus an extra two-fifty to have it formatted in bold.
Besides smelly, fluid-filled balls, other highlights Harry sees include a moving model of the galaxy, which I find rather dubious since much of the far side of the Milky Way Galaxy is permanently obscured from view by the dense cluster of stars at the galactic core. Right now, there's probably an alien dude flipping you off as we speak, and you'll never know about it. Also, there's some new model of broomstick out now, called the Firebolt, after the Nebulon rebel who partnered up with Hot Rod when the Autobots developed Targetmaster technolgy. A poem to explain:
Targetmaster Transformers
Two Transformers out of one
The vehicle transforms
And so does the gun!
Targetmaster Transformers
More, much more than meets the eye...
Anyway, it'll save time if I just explain that this stupid broom is Harry Potter's version of that Red Ryder BB gun the kid wanted for Christmas in that movie, Jingle All the Way. The Firebolt's advanced features include it's "streamlined, superfine handle of ash." Maybe she meant to say pyrolitic graphite. I dunno. Also, each twig in the broomtail has been "honed to aerodynamic perfection". I thought the whole point of flying around on a broom was that you didn't need the principles of aerodynamics. Because if you're gonna start redesigning brooms to take advatange of that sort of thing, then you'd just end up abandoning the broom concept altogether and start from the ground up. The price is available on request, which pretty much means that you ham'n'eggers ain't getting one anytime soon. Also, Harry already has a damn broom, and it's served him well so far, but that doesn't stop him from swinging by every day to drool over the Firebolt, which the book says he wanted more than anything in his whole life. So if Harry ever found all seven Dragon Balls, his dead parents can pretty much suck it, because he's getting his ass a Firebolt.
Since school is right around the corner, and these crappy books all have to follow the same tired formula lockstep, Harry goes to buy school supplies. I've never understood the hoopla behind back-to-school shopping. Around August or so, me and my brothers would go to Target, get a ruler, maybe a Trapper Keeper to replace the one from last year because the plastic seams tear loose over time. And that's it. The way these books and most stores would have you believe, this is an event of epic proportions, like Christmas. Anyway, Harry goes to the bookstore and notices a big cage prominently displayed, full of monster books like the one he got for his birthday. They bite and snarl and beat the crap out of each other, so I'm pretty sure these are discounted copies of the "Left Behind" series. The movies bite too, from what I've heard.
Striking up a conversation with the manager, who may be Flourish or Botts, I can't tell, Harry hears the whole sob story about how monster books might not have been such a good idea after all. This is worse than the time they stocked a bunch of copies of the Invisible Book of Invisibility and ended up losing them all. You're an idiot, Flourish and/or Botts. However, points to Rowling for mentioning a book entitled Predicting the Unpreditable: Insulate Yourself Against Shocks and Broken Balls: When Fortunes Turn Foul. That's right, not only did Rowling use two colons in a book title, but she also said balls in a manner completely devoid of subtext.
Around here, Harry spots a book about Death Omens, which would have been a sweet name for an early 80's metal band, and the manager warns him against it, since it can make a person paranoid so they see death omens everywhere. "It's enough to frighten anyone to death." Ha ha ha ha. Mr. Manager, you're too much! But anyway, Harry's more focused on the picture of the cover, because he can't read. Also, it's a big black dog in the picture, because apparently we have to keep reminding the reader that this is somehow important. Rowling's got a Chekhov's gun, people, and she's not afraid to use it!
So, needless to say, Daigon Alley is full of tedious, mind numbing stuff to do for three weeks. Harry starts keeping an eye out for Ron and Hermione, because he's the only person dumb enough to actively seek them out, and finally he runs into them at the ice cream store. Presumably, Big Ron and Hermy G have to pay for their sundaes, since they haven't murdered anyone in the last thrirty days. Rowling describes Ron as being freckly, and Hermione as "very brown". So Hermione's black? Man, Warner Bros. really miscast her then, huh? I was under the impression that Book III was supposed to contain all the miraculous proof that Harry and Hermione were meant to be, yet here we have the Outsiders, introduced in this book as a single unit. Ah, well, everyone told me Book III was supposed to not suck, and we've seen how well that promise has held up.
In regards to the whole reckless endangerment from Chapter Two, Harry mumbles that he "lost control", and Hermione just seems concerned that this might have gotten him expelled. I'll explain it one more time, because I think people keep missing my point. This is not some thing where the Gryffindors seem fated to get away with anything while the Slytherins are irrationally branded as villains. I'm not getting into the P.O.V. issues of the narrative, where the flawed character presents a skewed, imperfect version of events. The trouble I have here is that there seems to be a blind spot on this single incident. Hermione is appalled that Harry would do something that would endanger his future prosperity, Fudge is appalled that Harry inconvenienced him at a critical moment, and the Durselys are probably just apalled that Harry did something freaky in their house again. No one seems to care that a person was harmed, and no one seems to take interest in the anti-social nature of Harry's transgression. The way Hermione reacts, you'd think all Harry did was leave a flaming bag of dog poo on Dumbledore's front porch.
Actually, let's explore that for a moment.
"Oh, how delightful to have visitors on this fine morning, and-- Most odd, there appears to be no one here... However, my larger-than-average brainpower notes that there is a fire on that flighty temptress, my porch. I shall simply extinguish the blaze, quickly as you please, with my shoe... Oh, dear, that is a most unsavory odor indeed."
Ah, it's funny because he's dead.
Anyway, the more serious nature of what Harry had done seems to be over everyone's heads. The act itself wouldn't be, mind you, as Ron notes that if he ever blew up one of his aunts, not only would the Ministry have his ass in a sling, since he's not famous like Harry, but that he'd catch hell from his mother, who obviously doesn't take any crap. Granted, Harry doesn't have a mother, because she's dead, which makes him the angry orphan with a chip on his shoulder, but given all the mentor figures he keeps running into, you'd think that someone would take issue with what he's done. NOT because it would ruin Harry's reputation, but because it was a thoughtless and cruel act. Everyone in the book seems to understand that, but no one's saying it, like this is some minor detail that we can afford to overlook.
Which is annoying, since it's not like these three twits have anything more interesting to discuss. Did you get all your books? Hey, we're spending the night here and going to the train station in the morning. I'm surprised Ron doesn't ask if it's hot enough for ya. It really ticks me off that this book is considerably shorter than the last one I read, but it doesn't seem to be any lighter on timewasting filler like this. Hermi1 is taking "Muggle Studies", which Harry finds dumb since she knows all about Muggles from living with her parents, but she wants to "study them from the wizarding point of view". One sick freak, right there. I also understand Hermione's taking Corona Extra Studies this year as well. Also, she's got some extra money left over to buy an early birthday present, and she wants an owl. Harry has an owl. Ron doesn't have an owl, he just uses the family owl that he shares with his 85 brothers and parents. Ron does have a rat. He carries the filthy thing around with him wherever he goes, apparently. Ron wants to get him checked out because he's sick. Harry suggests that go to the creature shop and get some medical attention for the rat, and Hermione can buy herself an owl. Then her owl can eat Ron's rat. They pay for their ice cream and go to the store. They walk into the store. This book blows.
According to Ron, the rat's been under the weather since he took him to Egypt. OK, first of all, how can you even tell a rat is sick, anyway? Aren't they always kind of riddled with disease? I'm waiting for a rat enthusiast to come along and correct me, but I'm pretty sure there aren't any. In fact, I'm starting to wonder if Ron's only keeping this thing alive so he can feed it to a pet snake he enjoys a lot more. Second, he really does take the damn thing with him everywhere he goes. I think it's fair to infer from this passage that the rat has definitely seen Ron pee, probably every single time since Ron got him, too. Might explain why he's sick.
Ever the professional, the witch veterenarian asks how old the rat is, and what powers he has. He's a RAT, ass. He has the proportionate strength of a rat. That's his super power.
The witch suggests a rat tonic, which just seems kind of pointless to me, since it could only end up making the rat more like a rat. Then Ron gets attacked by some orange cat from out of nowhere. Garfield's BACK, and this time, it's PERSONAL.
Actually, this cat is named "Crookshanks", as demonstrated by the witch yelling "NO CROOKSHANKS, NO!" This is dumb, because I would have figured that the best possible thing one could do for this rat would be to feed him to a less hideous creature. Circle of life, man. The cat chases after the rat, which naturally attracts the attention of a dog in the store, which draws the ire of a dog catcher, and then a cannibal starts chasing the dog catcher, and then the cannibal is pursued by the Cannibal Police, and it all winds up on a collision course to WACKINESS. Later, we learn that Hermione bought the damn cat.
Ron demands to know why Hermione would buy a big ass cat, right when his rat is sick and needs rest and relaxation. Yeah, I think this is one of those "anvil-sized hints" they talk about, since people who are "just friends" don't usually argue about how their incompatible pets will live together. I, for one, suggest letting the things have it out in a final, desperate battle. But no one ever listens to me.
"Oi," said Ron, looking like he'd just had a stroke of brilliance, "let's put that cat in a box and light him on fire!"
"That's a great idea," said Harry, who harbored a deep, abiding hatred for all living things.
"What a dreadful thing to day," said Hermione, appalled that her friends would ever suggest cat immolation for amusement. "How can you boys laugh at the thought of burning poor Crookshanks?"
"But we were gonna play music while we watch," Ron explained. "I've got this smashing mp3 cued up from the video game 'Doom'!"
"Frickin' awesome," said Harry, who loved first-person shooters almost as much as he loved Quidditch, his owl Hedwig, and the gentle sensation of a human larnyx crushing under the pressure of his grip.
"Harry. No," said Hermione. "Nothing justifies cruelty to animals. Not even Doom music."
OK, I made that exchange up, but who cares? It's not like anything else cool was going on.
Sheesh, this thing STILL isn't over. Now we gotta meet the Weasleys, which sucks because it's not like they were that interesting the last time. Percy is described as the Head Boy. Thanks, book, I almost forgot. Really. Percy greets Harry like a politician, so Fred and George, or as I like to call them, the Suck Brothers, make fun of him. If you're not in the know, Fred and George are supposed to be the funny twins in the books, except for the part where they aren't really funny, and they don't really come across as twin brothers very well. It's far simpler to refer to them collectively as F&G. Their mom tells F&G to lay off Head Boy, and she brags to Harry about how Percy's the second Head Boy in the family. Dammit, ENOUGH. He's the Head Boy. WE KNOW THAT. IT DOESN'T FREAKING MATTER.
Turns out all these jerks are getting escorted to the train station by Ministry cars. There's a reason for this, but Mr. Weasley doesn't want to divulge it. Later that night, Harry leaves his room and overhears that Percy lost his Head Boy Badge (ARRRRGGGGHHH!) and then eavesdrops on the folks, only to find out from their arguing that Sirius Black is almost certainly after Harry, and this is why the Ministry has been so careful around him, because they're trying to protect him from Black if and when he makes his move. Molly thinks they should keep the truth of the danger from Harry, while Art wants to tell him, so he'll at least understand why no one wants him to wander off. Of course, the whole discussion's moot now, but at least we're all up to speed on Black's motivation, more or less.
There's some bit where F&G alter Percy's badge to read "Bighead Boy". That's not even funny. Why the hell would you even go to the trouble for such a weak joke? And Harry closes out the chapter contemplating what he's learned. He's not scared at all, and the reason for that is the old chesnut about Hogwarts being super-mega-ultra-safe, especially since Dumbledore's there running it. Yeah, Book VI kept singing that tune over and over again, too. Ultimately, he's just annoyed that no one would tell him the truth, as though he couldn't look out for himself. Yeah, because this is all about your ego, you little turd. "He'd escaped Lord Voldemort three times; he wasn't completely useless...." Yeah, wanna bet? Somehow I have a sinking feeling this book will end with some sort of climactic showdown, and Harry will be standing on the sidelines watching impotently. Bold prediction.
All right, we're like four chapters into this thing, and nothing's freaking happening. I can sort of understand taking the time to set up your characters, except Rowling insists on wasting time on ancilliaries like the Dursleys and the Lesser Weasleys, who won't even affect the outcome of the story later anyway. And maybe all these magic shops add atmosphere to the book, but I'm pretty sure that was plain old regular ice cream they were eating, so I call it padding. Maybe I'm the one who's nuts, but I would have rather read about how Black's daring prison break, seeing as how all the characters point to his escape as a sign of how formidable a foe he's supposed to be. But yeah, I guess we needed this chapter to tell us about how Harry doesn't buy a new broom, and how Ron didn't get his rat fixed up, and how Hermione didn't spend her birthday money on a book or an owl. Fascinating stuff.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: Dr. Demento, or something like that.