Three MCs and One DJ.
I feel like there was something I'm supposed to do... Oh, right, I need to renew my car registration.
....
OK, that's done. Now I'd better post this thing.
Chapter 12: The Patronus
(Original Japanese Title: "Think Happy Thoughts, Harry! ! Our Hero's Supreme Challenge.")
Where'd we leave off? Oh, right, Harry got a top-flight broomstick for Christmas, but since no one knows who gave it to him, Hermione suspected it was a trap laid by Sirius Black, so she had McGonagall confiscate it to have it examined. Being total morons, Harry and Ron are furious with Hermione over this. I don't even know why Ron's pissed, since it ain't even his broom. Maybe he just likes being pissed off at Hermione. I seem to end up writing about it a lot, that's for sure.
Once the rest of the student body returns from Christmas break, the captain of Harry's Quidditch team, Oliver Clothezov, is both thrilled and horrified to learn that Harry's got an advanced broomstick to replace his old one, but can't actually use it. Captain Hugh G. Rection decides to settle the matter by having a little talk with McGonagall, and persuading her to return the broom to Harry so they can win G-Tower the championship this year, but that goes about as well as you'd expect.
Of course, the other wrinkle in the Quidditch season is the dementors, who stormed the field during the first game and caused Harry to lose the match and his original broomstick in the first place. I'm not entirely sure why anyone expects that to happen a second time, but Harry's determined to be prepared in case it does, which is why he's enlisted Remus Lupin to teach him how to defend himself from the dementors' psychic attacks. Speaking of Lupin, on his first day back from Christmas, Harry and Ron note that he looks terrible, and as they wonder what could be wrong with him, Hermione haughtily acts like she knows exactly what's wrong with him, but doesn't actually give it away. Maybe he's GAY. Gay for YOU.
But back to the anti-dementor lessons. You know, it's weird. Harry wanted nothing else but revenge against Sirius Black for the last two chapters, and now suddenly the focus has shifted over to the dementors. I guess I shouldn't be complaining that Harry has two enemies to deal with here, except I have to wonder if this would have given away Black's good guy status if I hadn't already known. The trouble is that Harry seems to completely ignore one threat when he's dealing with another. That just seems strange to me, especially given how linked they are. Stopping Black and getting rid of the dementors are essentially two halves of the same problem. If the dementors find Black, they'll leave. In a sense, Harry doesn't really have to do anything at all. But the kid wants to play his stupid broom hockey, so let's get on with his lesson.
Lupin's teaching strategy is simple. Meeting with Harry after hours, he's captured a second boggart like the one they destroyed before, only this time it'll assume the form of a dementor when it sees Harry. This way, they can simulate a real dementor attack without actually bringing one into the school. So I guess this means boggarts can assume the powers of the things they imitate. That almost makes me wonder if Black could have used one to help him escape from Azkaban... but no, that doesn't quite seem to fit. Come to think of it, suppose a boggart crossed paths with an actual dementor. How would that play out? An exercise for the reader.
Anyway, the lesson pretty much boils down to a single spell, but as Lupin warns, it's extremely difficult to master. This, of course, is the Patronus Charm, which, if performed correctly, conjures a Patronus, which Lupin describes as an "anti-dementor". The Patronus consists of happiness and other positive human emotions, but since it can't feel despair like a living person, the dementor has no power over it, which means the Patronus serves as an effective shield for the spellcaster. This is what I like about Lupin, because he explains stuff clearly and concisely, as opposed to Johnny Angry he's teaching here, or that drugged out space cadet with the beard who supposedly runs this school. Small wonder then he's relegated to such a minor role in these books.
To perform the technique, one merely needs to focus on a happy memory, and cry out "Expecto patronum." I thought someone made a YTMND of this, but now I can't find it. Just shout it out loud yourself, in the privacy of your own room. Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud. Ya got ta have a party. Harry can only think of one decent memory to go with, and that's his first time riding a broom. Geez, that's weak. Even so, the magic woid still manages to take some effect, causing a puff of silvery gas to come out of his wand. Great, Lupin, you taught him how to make his wand fart. Brah-vo.
So Lupin raises the stakes and releases the boggart. Harry tries the Patronus but faints again. Harry insists on another try when he wakes up, though, and Lupin suggests he try a better memory. Harry picks the time they won the House Championship last year. Wait, I thought Oliver Wood gave a stirring speech about how they hadn't won the championship for at least seven years in a row, and this was his last chance to pull it off before he graduated. Unless there's two championships, which seems kind of dumb, seeing as there's only four houses in one school competing over these things. Harry passes out again, but at least this time he recalls hearing his father in addition to his mother during the dementor-induced visions. Lupin mentions that he and Harry's paw were running buddies back in school together, and suggests they call it a night. But Harry's a Dumbass, like his father before him, and he refuses to quit, no matter how utterly he fails to grasp the underlying concept. He tries another memory, this time of the day he learned of his Dumbass heritage, which allowed him to leave the Dursely household and start taking classes at Hogwarts. OK, we'll do that. This time the spell starts to have a bit of an effect, and though it takes all of Harry's stamina, the boggart holds off for a second, until Lupin steps in and forces it into the suitcase he'd used to bring it here.
At this, Lupin insists that's enough for one night, although Harry does get him to admit before leaving that he knew Sirius Black back in school along with his dead dad. Later, by himself, Harry considers that his main problem is that part of him wants to hear the voices of his parents, even though it's them getting murdered. Stupidly, he decides it's better to ignore that so he can focus on producing a proper Patronus. Guh. Blind people can see where this is going.
In other developments, Ravenclaw lost to Slytherin. Now what that does, see, is that since Slytherin didn't cover the spread, that leaves six bonus points available. Those are up for grabs, but even if... Let's take the worst case scenario: Ravenclaw gets like five and a half of those points. I know, I know, that's crazy talk, it should never happen, but let's just say for the sake of argument that it did. Slytherin would THEN need to beat Sulfrehley and Chugalug House by SEVEN furlongs, just to make the over-under. Now, the Colts are guarenteed to choke in the playoffs, we know that. And you've got to consider what Steinbrenner might do if Pataki's knee starts acting up again. And then there's the post-season. Slytherin's still got to squeak by Kentucky, and that's just unlikely. I like this team, they've got heart, they got a lot of hustle, and Malfoy's leading the conference on free-throws, but Tubby Smith used to coach for them back in the 80's, so he knows how that club plays. He's worn that Super Bowl ring, so this isn't his first barbecue. So as long as the new moon's on a Tuesday this month, that means Gyffindor's still in the running for the House Championship. Which they apparently already won that one time. Or not. Eight east, five west, Shaka-doo...
Also, Hermione is really loaded with classwork, despite the fact that much of her actual classes are held simultaneously. Ron and Harry can't figure it out, which is stupid, since I called it as time travel from the first mention of this situation. Again, this is the dullest application of time travel EVER. Hermione could be saving Sam Beckett from murdering JFK, or preventing killer androids from slaughtering millions, or founding X-Force, or reversing Lois Lane's tragic death in a rockslide, but no, she's gonna take Muggle Studies.
We check back in with Team Captain Rod Johnson, who informs Harry that his talk with McGonagall didn't go as well as he'd hoped. As he puts it, he told her he didn't care if the Firebolt throws Harry off, as long as they won the game first, and that got her kind of irritated with him. I like Wood's delivery here, where he's so focused on winning the season that he finds other people strange when they don't share his obsession. And really guys like Oliver Wood are what make this sort of writing style work. He's such a transparent personality that it doesn't matter who the first person perspective is coming from, because he'll come across with whatever he says. Same goes for McGonagall, really, and Ron's never had a lot of secrets to keep. The problem is that these guys aren't really ever directing the course of the plot, so it doesn't matter much that we know the most about them. Really, when you get down to it, a lot of what goes on in these books revolves around clandestine characters like Dumbledore (secret plan), Sirius Black (secret allegience), Voldemort (secret identity), and Snape (secret everything). This would play out a lot better with an omniscient narrator that simply didn't give away too much information. A lot could be done with these books if the story could ever delve into Dumbledore's head and find out how heavily the situation weighs on his mind. You don't have to give away his strategies to do that. Just humanize the guy by showing how he thinks and feels in private. The only thing I'd actually look forward to in Book VII is some sort of scene where Snape basically explains his whole deal after six years of sitting around with his thumb up his ass trying not to show his hand. It'll still be too little, too late, because the only reason this had to wait for Book VII is because it'll be the only environment in which Harry might confront Snape without the whole student-teacher dynamic getting in the way. Of course, Rowling will probably still manage to foul it up, so I'm not overly optimistic there.
As the chapter wears on, Harry still can't get his damn broom back, and he's not making as much progress with the Patronus as he'd like, despite Lupin's assurances that he's doing far better than he would have dreamed. At least he's not passing out anymore, and even though the technique takes a major toll on him, he can at least hold his own long enough to get to the ground if the dementors rear their heads again. See, I think part of the problem with this plan is that even if Harry perfected this thing, he's expecting to pull it off against an army of dementors during a sporting event, in midair. Me, I have a hard time believing this kid can walk and chew gum at the same time. Lupin gives Harry some butterbeer as a reward for his hard work, and Harry almost lets slip that he's had it before during his forbidden excursion to Hogsmeade via secret passage. Lupin seems suspicious, but he doesn't challenge Harry's alibi that he simply drank some that Ron and Hermione bought for him. Remember, whenever a dumbass gets away with doing something completely stupid, he recovers even dumber than before.
So the aging teacher and his prepubescent student sit around drinking by themselves, but it's totally not creepy at all. To break the tedium, Harry asks Lupin what's underneath the dementors' hoods. According to Lupin, no one really knows, because dementors only remove their hoods to unleash their Super Ultimate Death Move, the Dementor's Kiss. Presumably, they must have some semblance of a mouth, because all anyone is sure of is that they remove the hood, lock lips with the victim, and consume their souls. This'd be a lot cooler if we were seeing it and not just listening to a couple of guys talk about it, but I'll take what I can get. Harry actually spit-takes at this. Seriously.
Speaking of the Dementor's Kiss, Lupin says that the Ministry has authorized the dementors to use it on Sirius Black if they ever find him. You know, really, why didn't they do that in the first place? I mean, Black was convicted of killing thirteen people, betraying his countrymen, yadda yadda yadda. These are pretty serious crimes, to the point where a mere prison break seems like a drop in the bucket. My point is that maybe they should have sucked out his soul when they had him, instead of waiting for him to escape. But of course, before now, there has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13 Azkaban Prison, so that probably explains the lack of consideration. Harry expresses satisfaction that Black will be given such a horrible punishment, but he can't really tell Lupin the reason why.
Back to that damn Firebolt again, McGonagall finally gives it back to Harry, reasonably confident that it's safe for use. Now that it's back in one piece, Harry and Ron decide they should make up with Hermione again. Wow, really classy there. Only once they have their little trinket back do they understand the wisdom of having it checked for security reasons. These two are such assholes. While Ron puts the Firebolt away, Harry checks out all the nerd work Hermione is doing, including an essay on Why Muggles Need Electricity. The point of this moment is to establish that Hermione is all kinds of super-mega busy, but if that's a typical sample of her workload, I'm not feeling very sympathetic. Before Harry can inquire further about her studies, Ron goes postal and barges back into the commons room, acting like Bizarro e. e. cummings. I've included Ron's thought-provoking monologue, in it's entirety, which he delivers to Hermione while shaking a bloody bedsheet at her.
"LOOK! LOOK! SCABBERS! LOOK! SCABBERS! BLOOD! HE'S GONE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT WAS ON THE FLOOR?"
For those who don't speak Ron, he's basically trying to say that Hermione's stupid cat ate his stupid rat, as evidenced by the cat hairs found on the same bedsheet as the blood. The chapter ends there. What, so that's your cliffhanger? You sure you don't want to reconsider? Wait, let me rephrase that: LOOK! LOOK! CLIFFHANGER! LOOK! CLIFFHANGER! LAME! CHAPTER DUMB! ELECTRIC YELLOW GOT ME BY THE BRAIN BANANA!
What I don't understand is how Ron managed to leave his dumb rat out of his shirt pocket long enough for the damn cat to get at the thing. I'd applaud this development for finally putting an end to the Crookshanks/Scabbers War that's been raging since Chapter Four, but since both of these animals are alive and well in Book VI, I'm pretty sure there's a big swerve coming up that'll render all this moot. More and more,
I'm starting to think Sirius has disguised himself as Crookshanks, or Scabbers, or both. It doesn't make a lot of sense, given that he dies in Book V and the animals survive him into the next book, but it's possible that he's only impersonating the real thing instead of simply posing as a fictious cat or mouse. Ignore Crookshanks' appearance in HBP (and hell, it's not like I would have remembered if Hermione had gotten a different cat and gave it the same name), and the evidence seems to be there.
--McGonagall turns herself into a cat to kick off her Transfiguration course. Thus, it's established as a fairly commonplace ability.
--Crookshanks is all over this [Expletive Deleted] book. Meanwhile, one of the title characters is supposedly able to enter the school at will, yet has yet to be seen. At least this would slightly justify all the annoying Crookshanks scenes we've seen so far.
--Some nonsense with that Sneakoscope going off and Crookshanks hissing at it. I haven't forgotten that, it's just that it was too banal for me to describe more carefully.
--Harry finds Crookshanks underfoot one morning and assumes he's trying to get to Scabbers. Wrong, dumbass, he's succeeding at getting to YOU.
--Of all the compartments the dementors searched on the train, they only lingered on ONE. Because of Harry's fainting spell, and Black's grudge against him, the obvious conclusion would be that the dementors were attracted to Harry for some reason. Or, one could suppose that they were drawn to Black himself... in the form of Crookshanks. Of course, there's that chesnut about dementor being able to see through any disguise, but they also said they drive inmates mad and never let anyone escape Azkaban, so I don't see the big deal. Besides, Black could concievably swap himself for the real Crookshanks to throw off the authorities.
--Above all else, it's the perfect way into the school. Why waste time sneaking around when you can be carried right through the front gate by some little girl? From there, you can go wherever you please, and apparently no one minds all the shedding. If Hagrid can keep bloodthirsty abominations of nature on the grounds, what's a cat or two? At least they clean themselves, which is more than you can say for Hagrid, and they pay him to live there.
--NEDM
I'll give this chapter a pass, if only for revealing to me the hidden appeal of Oliver Wood, and Lupin's drama-free explanation of the Patronus Charm. Behold, my boundless mercy!
RATING: GOOD
NEXT: SUPER DRAGON FIIIIIISSST! Oh, wait, sorry, I've got a Dragon Ball Z promotional card that I'm using for a bookmark. What I meant to say was more of the same crap you've come to expect.
....
OK, that's done. Now I'd better post this thing.
Chapter 12: The Patronus
(Original Japanese Title: "Think Happy Thoughts, Harry! ! Our Hero's Supreme Challenge.")
Where'd we leave off? Oh, right, Harry got a top-flight broomstick for Christmas, but since no one knows who gave it to him, Hermione suspected it was a trap laid by Sirius Black, so she had McGonagall confiscate it to have it examined. Being total morons, Harry and Ron are furious with Hermione over this. I don't even know why Ron's pissed, since it ain't even his broom. Maybe he just likes being pissed off at Hermione. I seem to end up writing about it a lot, that's for sure.
Once the rest of the student body returns from Christmas break, the captain of Harry's Quidditch team, Oliver Clothezov, is both thrilled and horrified to learn that Harry's got an advanced broomstick to replace his old one, but can't actually use it. Captain Hugh G. Rection decides to settle the matter by having a little talk with McGonagall, and persuading her to return the broom to Harry so they can win G-Tower the championship this year, but that goes about as well as you'd expect.
Of course, the other wrinkle in the Quidditch season is the dementors, who stormed the field during the first game and caused Harry to lose the match and his original broomstick in the first place. I'm not entirely sure why anyone expects that to happen a second time, but Harry's determined to be prepared in case it does, which is why he's enlisted Remus Lupin to teach him how to defend himself from the dementors' psychic attacks. Speaking of Lupin, on his first day back from Christmas, Harry and Ron note that he looks terrible, and as they wonder what could be wrong with him, Hermione haughtily acts like she knows exactly what's wrong with him, but doesn't actually give it away. Maybe he's GAY. Gay for YOU.
But back to the anti-dementor lessons. You know, it's weird. Harry wanted nothing else but revenge against Sirius Black for the last two chapters, and now suddenly the focus has shifted over to the dementors. I guess I shouldn't be complaining that Harry has two enemies to deal with here, except I have to wonder if this would have given away Black's good guy status if I hadn't already known. The trouble is that Harry seems to completely ignore one threat when he's dealing with another. That just seems strange to me, especially given how linked they are. Stopping Black and getting rid of the dementors are essentially two halves of the same problem. If the dementors find Black, they'll leave. In a sense, Harry doesn't really have to do anything at all. But the kid wants to play his stupid broom hockey, so let's get on with his lesson.
Lupin's teaching strategy is simple. Meeting with Harry after hours, he's captured a second boggart like the one they destroyed before, only this time it'll assume the form of a dementor when it sees Harry. This way, they can simulate a real dementor attack without actually bringing one into the school. So I guess this means boggarts can assume the powers of the things they imitate. That almost makes me wonder if Black could have used one to help him escape from Azkaban... but no, that doesn't quite seem to fit. Come to think of it, suppose a boggart crossed paths with an actual dementor. How would that play out? An exercise for the reader.
Anyway, the lesson pretty much boils down to a single spell, but as Lupin warns, it's extremely difficult to master. This, of course, is the Patronus Charm, which, if performed correctly, conjures a Patronus, which Lupin describes as an "anti-dementor". The Patronus consists of happiness and other positive human emotions, but since it can't feel despair like a living person, the dementor has no power over it, which means the Patronus serves as an effective shield for the spellcaster. This is what I like about Lupin, because he explains stuff clearly and concisely, as opposed to Johnny Angry he's teaching here, or that drugged out space cadet with the beard who supposedly runs this school. Small wonder then he's relegated to such a minor role in these books.
To perform the technique, one merely needs to focus on a happy memory, and cry out "Expecto patronum." I thought someone made a YTMND of this, but now I can't find it. Just shout it out loud yourself, in the privacy of your own room. Shout it, shout it, shout it out loud. Ya got ta have a party. Harry can only think of one decent memory to go with, and that's his first time riding a broom. Geez, that's weak. Even so, the magic woid still manages to take some effect, causing a puff of silvery gas to come out of his wand. Great, Lupin, you taught him how to make his wand fart. Brah-vo.
So Lupin raises the stakes and releases the boggart. Harry tries the Patronus but faints again. Harry insists on another try when he wakes up, though, and Lupin suggests he try a better memory. Harry picks the time they won the House Championship last year. Wait, I thought Oliver Wood gave a stirring speech about how they hadn't won the championship for at least seven years in a row, and this was his last chance to pull it off before he graduated. Unless there's two championships, which seems kind of dumb, seeing as there's only four houses in one school competing over these things. Harry passes out again, but at least this time he recalls hearing his father in addition to his mother during the dementor-induced visions. Lupin mentions that he and Harry's paw were running buddies back in school together, and suggests they call it a night. But Harry's a Dumbass, like his father before him, and he refuses to quit, no matter how utterly he fails to grasp the underlying concept. He tries another memory, this time of the day he learned of his Dumbass heritage, which allowed him to leave the Dursely household and start taking classes at Hogwarts. OK, we'll do that. This time the spell starts to have a bit of an effect, and though it takes all of Harry's stamina, the boggart holds off for a second, until Lupin steps in and forces it into the suitcase he'd used to bring it here.
At this, Lupin insists that's enough for one night, although Harry does get him to admit before leaving that he knew Sirius Black back in school along with his dead dad. Later, by himself, Harry considers that his main problem is that part of him wants to hear the voices of his parents, even though it's them getting murdered. Stupidly, he decides it's better to ignore that so he can focus on producing a proper Patronus. Guh. Blind people can see where this is going.
In other developments, Ravenclaw lost to Slytherin. Now what that does, see, is that since Slytherin didn't cover the spread, that leaves six bonus points available. Those are up for grabs, but even if... Let's take the worst case scenario: Ravenclaw gets like five and a half of those points. I know, I know, that's crazy talk, it should never happen, but let's just say for the sake of argument that it did. Slytherin would THEN need to beat Sulfrehley and Chugalug House by SEVEN furlongs, just to make the over-under. Now, the Colts are guarenteed to choke in the playoffs, we know that. And you've got to consider what Steinbrenner might do if Pataki's knee starts acting up again. And then there's the post-season. Slytherin's still got to squeak by Kentucky, and that's just unlikely. I like this team, they've got heart, they got a lot of hustle, and Malfoy's leading the conference on free-throws, but Tubby Smith used to coach for them back in the 80's, so he knows how that club plays. He's worn that Super Bowl ring, so this isn't his first barbecue. So as long as the new moon's on a Tuesday this month, that means Gyffindor's still in the running for the House Championship. Which they apparently already won that one time. Or not. Eight east, five west, Shaka-doo...
Also, Hermione is really loaded with classwork, despite the fact that much of her actual classes are held simultaneously. Ron and Harry can't figure it out, which is stupid, since I called it as time travel from the first mention of this situation. Again, this is the dullest application of time travel EVER. Hermione could be saving Sam Beckett from murdering JFK, or preventing killer androids from slaughtering millions, or founding X-Force, or reversing Lois Lane's tragic death in a rockslide, but no, she's gonna take Muggle Studies.
We check back in with Team Captain Rod Johnson, who informs Harry that his talk with McGonagall didn't go as well as he'd hoped. As he puts it, he told her he didn't care if the Firebolt throws Harry off, as long as they won the game first, and that got her kind of irritated with him. I like Wood's delivery here, where he's so focused on winning the season that he finds other people strange when they don't share his obsession. And really guys like Oliver Wood are what make this sort of writing style work. He's such a transparent personality that it doesn't matter who the first person perspective is coming from, because he'll come across with whatever he says. Same goes for McGonagall, really, and Ron's never had a lot of secrets to keep. The problem is that these guys aren't really ever directing the course of the plot, so it doesn't matter much that we know the most about them. Really, when you get down to it, a lot of what goes on in these books revolves around clandestine characters like Dumbledore (secret plan), Sirius Black (secret allegience), Voldemort (secret identity), and Snape (secret everything). This would play out a lot better with an omniscient narrator that simply didn't give away too much information. A lot could be done with these books if the story could ever delve into Dumbledore's head and find out how heavily the situation weighs on his mind. You don't have to give away his strategies to do that. Just humanize the guy by showing how he thinks and feels in private. The only thing I'd actually look forward to in Book VII is some sort of scene where Snape basically explains his whole deal after six years of sitting around with his thumb up his ass trying not to show his hand. It'll still be too little, too late, because the only reason this had to wait for Book VII is because it'll be the only environment in which Harry might confront Snape without the whole student-teacher dynamic getting in the way. Of course, Rowling will probably still manage to foul it up, so I'm not overly optimistic there.
As the chapter wears on, Harry still can't get his damn broom back, and he's not making as much progress with the Patronus as he'd like, despite Lupin's assurances that he's doing far better than he would have dreamed. At least he's not passing out anymore, and even though the technique takes a major toll on him, he can at least hold his own long enough to get to the ground if the dementors rear their heads again. See, I think part of the problem with this plan is that even if Harry perfected this thing, he's expecting to pull it off against an army of dementors during a sporting event, in midair. Me, I have a hard time believing this kid can walk and chew gum at the same time. Lupin gives Harry some butterbeer as a reward for his hard work, and Harry almost lets slip that he's had it before during his forbidden excursion to Hogsmeade via secret passage. Lupin seems suspicious, but he doesn't challenge Harry's alibi that he simply drank some that Ron and Hermione bought for him. Remember, whenever a dumbass gets away with doing something completely stupid, he recovers even dumber than before.
So the aging teacher and his prepubescent student sit around drinking by themselves, but it's totally not creepy at all. To break the tedium, Harry asks Lupin what's underneath the dementors' hoods. According to Lupin, no one really knows, because dementors only remove their hoods to unleash their Super Ultimate Death Move, the Dementor's Kiss. Presumably, they must have some semblance of a mouth, because all anyone is sure of is that they remove the hood, lock lips with the victim, and consume their souls. This'd be a lot cooler if we were seeing it and not just listening to a couple of guys talk about it, but I'll take what I can get. Harry actually spit-takes at this. Seriously.
Speaking of the Dementor's Kiss, Lupin says that the Ministry has authorized the dementors to use it on Sirius Black if they ever find him. You know, really, why didn't they do that in the first place? I mean, Black was convicted of killing thirteen people, betraying his countrymen, yadda yadda yadda. These are pretty serious crimes, to the point where a mere prison break seems like a drop in the bucket. My point is that maybe they should have sucked out his soul when they had him, instead of waiting for him to escape. But of course, before now, there has never been a successful escape from Stalag 13 Azkaban Prison, so that probably explains the lack of consideration. Harry expresses satisfaction that Black will be given such a horrible punishment, but he can't really tell Lupin the reason why.
Back to that damn Firebolt again, McGonagall finally gives it back to Harry, reasonably confident that it's safe for use. Now that it's back in one piece, Harry and Ron decide they should make up with Hermione again. Wow, really classy there. Only once they have their little trinket back do they understand the wisdom of having it checked for security reasons. These two are such assholes. While Ron puts the Firebolt away, Harry checks out all the nerd work Hermione is doing, including an essay on Why Muggles Need Electricity. The point of this moment is to establish that Hermione is all kinds of super-mega busy, but if that's a typical sample of her workload, I'm not feeling very sympathetic. Before Harry can inquire further about her studies, Ron goes postal and barges back into the commons room, acting like Bizarro e. e. cummings. I've included Ron's thought-provoking monologue, in it's entirety, which he delivers to Hermione while shaking a bloody bedsheet at her.
"LOOK! LOOK! SCABBERS! LOOK! SCABBERS! BLOOD! HE'S GONE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT WAS ON THE FLOOR?"
For those who don't speak Ron, he's basically trying to say that Hermione's stupid cat ate his stupid rat, as evidenced by the cat hairs found on the same bedsheet as the blood. The chapter ends there. What, so that's your cliffhanger? You sure you don't want to reconsider? Wait, let me rephrase that: LOOK! LOOK! CLIFFHANGER! LOOK! CLIFFHANGER! LAME! CHAPTER DUMB! ELECTRIC YELLOW GOT ME BY THE BRAIN BANANA!
What I don't understand is how Ron managed to leave his dumb rat out of his shirt pocket long enough for the damn cat to get at the thing. I'd applaud this development for finally putting an end to the Crookshanks/Scabbers War that's been raging since Chapter Four, but since both of these animals are alive and well in Book VI, I'm pretty sure there's a big swerve coming up that'll render all this moot. More and more,
I'm starting to think Sirius has disguised himself as Crookshanks, or Scabbers, or both. It doesn't make a lot of sense, given that he dies in Book V and the animals survive him into the next book, but it's possible that he's only impersonating the real thing instead of simply posing as a fictious cat or mouse. Ignore Crookshanks' appearance in HBP (and hell, it's not like I would have remembered if Hermione had gotten a different cat and gave it the same name), and the evidence seems to be there.
--McGonagall turns herself into a cat to kick off her Transfiguration course. Thus, it's established as a fairly commonplace ability.
--Crookshanks is all over this [Expletive Deleted] book. Meanwhile, one of the title characters is supposedly able to enter the school at will, yet has yet to be seen. At least this would slightly justify all the annoying Crookshanks scenes we've seen so far.
--Some nonsense with that Sneakoscope going off and Crookshanks hissing at it. I haven't forgotten that, it's just that it was too banal for me to describe more carefully.
--Harry finds Crookshanks underfoot one morning and assumes he's trying to get to Scabbers. Wrong, dumbass, he's succeeding at getting to YOU.
--Of all the compartments the dementors searched on the train, they only lingered on ONE. Because of Harry's fainting spell, and Black's grudge against him, the obvious conclusion would be that the dementors were attracted to Harry for some reason. Or, one could suppose that they were drawn to Black himself... in the form of Crookshanks. Of course, there's that chesnut about dementor being able to see through any disguise, but they also said they drive inmates mad and never let anyone escape Azkaban, so I don't see the big deal. Besides, Black could concievably swap himself for the real Crookshanks to throw off the authorities.
--Above all else, it's the perfect way into the school. Why waste time sneaking around when you can be carried right through the front gate by some little girl? From there, you can go wherever you please, and apparently no one minds all the shedding. If Hagrid can keep bloodthirsty abominations of nature on the grounds, what's a cat or two? At least they clean themselves, which is more than you can say for Hagrid, and they pay him to live there.
--NEDM
I'll give this chapter a pass, if only for revealing to me the hidden appeal of Oliver Wood, and Lupin's drama-free explanation of the Patronus Charm. Behold, my boundless mercy!
RATING: GOOD
NEXT: SUPER DRAGON FIIIIIISSST! Oh, wait, sorry, I've got a Dragon Ball Z promotional card that I'm using for a bookmark. What I meant to say was more of the same crap you've come to expect.