The Negotiation Limerick File
Hey, kids? What I need you to do is don't settle in, and don't get a snack, because this one's really short, OK? OK.
Chapter 16: Professor Trelawny's Prediction
(Original Japanese Title: "The Oracle of Jack Daniels. Trelawny-sensei's Double Vision.")
Jim keeps suggesting that I should do a really short review sometime, just to save me the hassle and make the book go faster. That's kind of up to the book, though, really, since if a bunch of stuff happens that I feel I need to comment on, I will. But this chapter's looking like a good candidate, though.
It's finals week. This is exactly why setting your fantasy epic in a school is a dumb idea. I have no idea why anyone would want to relive the experience of final exams, but whoever you are, Rowling has anticipated your needs, and produced the very thing you've yearned for. The rest of us have to put up with it. The kids, of course, would much rather be enjoying the grounds now that the weather's turned warm, but hey, it ain't no country club, and Snape ain't no bartender serving fruity frozen drinks in a cutesy hut with a thatched roof. Still, I can related to wanting to just lay in the grass, watch the squid swimming around in the lake, knock back a few ice cold glasses of pumpkin juice... EEEEEEGGGGGHHHHHH! They drink it cold, too? Seriously, does Rowling even know what a pumpkin is?
Anyway finals. Hermione's all stressed because she's been stressed all year and now she's cramming for tests in each of her classes. I don't even know why this needs to be established. Buckbeak's appeal is on the last day of finals, and for some reason they're coming to Hogwarts to do it, which seems awfully contrived. Also, the executioner is joining them, which makes it seem like the appeals process is mostly a formality. While Señor Draco's been kind of withdrawn after losing the Quidditch cup to G-Tower, he's gotten back some of his old swagger now that Buckbeak's fate seems to be sealed.
But, finals. The Transfiguration final is turning a teapot into a tortoise, which the students have a hard time doing. I saw a painting of this at Lumos 2006, featuring various turtle/teapot amalgams representing the students' efforts. Teapot with turtle feet, turtle with steam coming out of his butt (well, tail, but "butt" is a funnier word. That's a little secret the professionals use), turtle with teapot patterned shell, you get the idea. I kind of liked the piece on its own merit, because I like turtles, but it's neat to see the context behind it. There are also some other finals that are very final. Hagrid's so distraught over Buckbeak's doom that he just has his class make sure that some flobberworms don't die, and that's best accomplished by leaving them the hell alone for an hour. Five'll get you ten Neville managed to dick this up somehow. But at least now we see the true genius behind Draco's plot. He milks his arm injury, has the hippogriff executed, and the teacher is so upset over it that he assigns the easiet final exam ever. He's kind of like Darth Sidious, except instead of siezing control over the enitre galaxy, he's making it easier to pass the seventh grade.
And... finals. Whatever report Harry was working on at the start of the book comes up in whatever class that was for, so he tries to remember everything that guy told him while he was giving him free sundaes. Wow, so it really does all tie together, doesn't it? That's sarcasm by the way. Also, here are some other finals, that are finally happening. Lupin makes the kids run an obstacle course, where they have to fight all the monsters he's shown them all year. Again, how are monsters supposed to be Dark Arts? When Hermione faces the boggart, it turns into McGonagall, telling her she failed all her classes. What's dumb about this is that Hermi1 is a actually frightened by this. So the boggart assumes the shape of your worst fear and it makes you stupid, too?
Yes, finals. Cornelius Fudge swings by to tell the nWo he's witnessing the Buckbeak appeal, since he was in the neighborhood for the Black situation anyway. He's bummed that he'll have to witness an execution, but Ron assures him that it's not over yet. "The hippogriff might get off!" That's gross, Ron. Let me just say I sincerely hope we won't be seeing ANY animal in ANY book getting off, all right?
Then... finals. At the end of the week, we FINAL-ly (get it?) get to the final final which is final, Trelawny's Divintation course. She has the students wait outside her classroom and brings them in one by one to make predictions based on what they see in a crystal ball. Ron freely admits after his turn that he just made stuff up. Really, how would Trelawny know the difference anyway, right? Wait, I forgot, Dumbledore only hired the daffy broad so Voldemort wouldn't murder her in her sleep. In case we needed another reason to render this whole chapter null and void. The final student for the final final is Harry, who follows Ron's lead and claims to see a hippogriff in the ball. Trelawny interprets this as a prediction of the outcome of Buckbeak's appeal, and asks if the object Harry sees looks like it still has its head. Harry insists it does, although really, it could be anything. Might be a hippogriff, might be Pee Wee Herman's bike in the basement of the Alamo. You never can tell. Before Harry leaves, Trelawny suddenly starts talking like she's possessed. I say this because the font for her voice is now that one font where the lowercase letters are just capital letters only smaller. And italics. She predicts that Voldemort's servant will break free after twelve years in captivity, and rejoin his master, enabling him to return to his former glory. And it'll happen TONIGHT. On PAY-PER-VIEW. Then she turns back to normal and acts like she doesn't remember what she just said.
Well, at least the finals are over. Before Harry can share his experience with Trelawny with the Outsiders, they show him another note from Hagrid, informing them that they lost the appeal, just as everyone expected. Well then what was the point of HAVING and appeals process in the first place? It's Rowling's universe. You'd think if she were gonna write in an appeal, there'd be some point to it besides upholding the original verdict. Buckbeak dies at dusk, and while Hagrid specifically asks them not to visit him, the nWo decides to do it anyway, using the Inivisibility Cloak to sneak over to his cabin. In a surprising reversal, Hagrid's all depressed and weepy. Hermione tries to pour him some tea, but when she goes to get the milk, she finds a rat inside the jug. "Ron! I--I don't believe it--it's Scabbers!" Wait, don't you mean to say "LOOK! SCABBERS! SCABBERS! LOOK! SCABBERS! LOOK! LOOK! SCABBERS! LOOK! RON! SCABBERS! AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT WAS THERE?"
Yes, it's [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Scabbers, because I missed him so much, too. For some reason, he looks even worse than he did before, and he's less than thrilled to be reunited with Ron. Before we can find out why, though, Hagrid shoos the nWo out of his cabin, because the Ministry's coming to kill his hippogriff, and he doesn't want the kids getting caught outside school grounds. They try to hurry back to the castle, but Scabbers won't sit still, and Ron can't get him to quit squirming and be quiet, and this slows them up enough that they hear the thud of the executioner's axe. Now, really, with all the magic at their disposal, they still put animals down with axes?
And that's it. Finals, execution, prophecy of stuff that happens three chapters from now, and the grand return of that damn rat. And even that I kind of had to pad out a little. I really don't have anything else going here.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: Stuff actually starts to happen. I promise.
Chapter 16: Professor Trelawny's Prediction
(Original Japanese Title: "The Oracle of Jack Daniels. Trelawny-sensei's Double Vision.")
Jim keeps suggesting that I should do a really short review sometime, just to save me the hassle and make the book go faster. That's kind of up to the book, though, really, since if a bunch of stuff happens that I feel I need to comment on, I will. But this chapter's looking like a good candidate, though.
It's finals week. This is exactly why setting your fantasy epic in a school is a dumb idea. I have no idea why anyone would want to relive the experience of final exams, but whoever you are, Rowling has anticipated your needs, and produced the very thing you've yearned for. The rest of us have to put up with it. The kids, of course, would much rather be enjoying the grounds now that the weather's turned warm, but hey, it ain't no country club, and Snape ain't no bartender serving fruity frozen drinks in a cutesy hut with a thatched roof. Still, I can related to wanting to just lay in the grass, watch the squid swimming around in the lake, knock back a few ice cold glasses of pumpkin juice... EEEEEEGGGGGHHHHHH! They drink it cold, too? Seriously, does Rowling even know what a pumpkin is?
Anyway finals. Hermione's all stressed because she's been stressed all year and now she's cramming for tests in each of her classes. I don't even know why this needs to be established. Buckbeak's appeal is on the last day of finals, and for some reason they're coming to Hogwarts to do it, which seems awfully contrived. Also, the executioner is joining them, which makes it seem like the appeals process is mostly a formality. While Señor Draco's been kind of withdrawn after losing the Quidditch cup to G-Tower, he's gotten back some of his old swagger now that Buckbeak's fate seems to be sealed.
But, finals. The Transfiguration final is turning a teapot into a tortoise, which the students have a hard time doing. I saw a painting of this at Lumos 2006, featuring various turtle/teapot amalgams representing the students' efforts. Teapot with turtle feet, turtle with steam coming out of his butt (well, tail, but "butt" is a funnier word. That's a little secret the professionals use), turtle with teapot patterned shell, you get the idea. I kind of liked the piece on its own merit, because I like turtles, but it's neat to see the context behind it. There are also some other finals that are very final. Hagrid's so distraught over Buckbeak's doom that he just has his class make sure that some flobberworms don't die, and that's best accomplished by leaving them the hell alone for an hour. Five'll get you ten Neville managed to dick this up somehow. But at least now we see the true genius behind Draco's plot. He milks his arm injury, has the hippogriff executed, and the teacher is so upset over it that he assigns the easiet final exam ever. He's kind of like Darth Sidious, except instead of siezing control over the enitre galaxy, he's making it easier to pass the seventh grade.
And... finals. Whatever report Harry was working on at the start of the book comes up in whatever class that was for, so he tries to remember everything that guy told him while he was giving him free sundaes. Wow, so it really does all tie together, doesn't it? That's sarcasm by the way. Also, here are some other finals, that are finally happening. Lupin makes the kids run an obstacle course, where they have to fight all the monsters he's shown them all year. Again, how are monsters supposed to be Dark Arts? When Hermione faces the boggart, it turns into McGonagall, telling her she failed all her classes. What's dumb about this is that Hermi1 is a actually frightened by this. So the boggart assumes the shape of your worst fear and it makes you stupid, too?
Yes, finals. Cornelius Fudge swings by to tell the nWo he's witnessing the Buckbeak appeal, since he was in the neighborhood for the Black situation anyway. He's bummed that he'll have to witness an execution, but Ron assures him that it's not over yet. "The hippogriff might get off!" That's gross, Ron. Let me just say I sincerely hope we won't be seeing ANY animal in ANY book getting off, all right?
Then... finals. At the end of the week, we FINAL-ly (get it?) get to the final final which is final, Trelawny's Divintation course. She has the students wait outside her classroom and brings them in one by one to make predictions based on what they see in a crystal ball. Ron freely admits after his turn that he just made stuff up. Really, how would Trelawny know the difference anyway, right? Wait, I forgot, Dumbledore only hired the daffy broad so Voldemort wouldn't murder her in her sleep. In case we needed another reason to render this whole chapter null and void. The final student for the final final is Harry, who follows Ron's lead and claims to see a hippogriff in the ball. Trelawny interprets this as a prediction of the outcome of Buckbeak's appeal, and asks if the object Harry sees looks like it still has its head. Harry insists it does, although really, it could be anything. Might be a hippogriff, might be Pee Wee Herman's bike in the basement of the Alamo. You never can tell. Before Harry leaves, Trelawny suddenly starts talking like she's possessed. I say this because the font for her voice is now that one font where the lowercase letters are just capital letters only smaller. And italics. She predicts that Voldemort's servant will break free after twelve years in captivity, and rejoin his master, enabling him to return to his former glory. And it'll happen TONIGHT. On PAY-PER-VIEW. Then she turns back to normal and acts like she doesn't remember what she just said.
Well, at least the finals are over. Before Harry can share his experience with Trelawny with the Outsiders, they show him another note from Hagrid, informing them that they lost the appeal, just as everyone expected. Well then what was the point of HAVING and appeals process in the first place? It's Rowling's universe. You'd think if she were gonna write in an appeal, there'd be some point to it besides upholding the original verdict. Buckbeak dies at dusk, and while Hagrid specifically asks them not to visit him, the nWo decides to do it anyway, using the Inivisibility Cloak to sneak over to his cabin. In a surprising reversal, Hagrid's all depressed and weepy. Hermione tries to pour him some tea, but when she goes to get the milk, she finds a rat inside the jug. "Ron! I--I don't believe it--it's Scabbers!" Wait, don't you mean to say "LOOK! SCABBERS! SCABBERS! LOOK! SCABBERS! LOOK! LOOK! SCABBERS! LOOK! RON! SCABBERS! AND DO YOU KNOW WHAT WAS THERE?"
Yes, it's [EXPLETIVE DELETED] Scabbers, because I missed him so much, too. For some reason, he looks even worse than he did before, and he's less than thrilled to be reunited with Ron. Before we can find out why, though, Hagrid shoos the nWo out of his cabin, because the Ministry's coming to kill his hippogriff, and he doesn't want the kids getting caught outside school grounds. They try to hurry back to the castle, but Scabbers won't sit still, and Ron can't get him to quit squirming and be quiet, and this slows them up enough that they hear the thud of the executioner's axe. Now, really, with all the magic at their disposal, they still put animals down with axes?
And that's it. Finals, execution, prophecy of stuff that happens three chapters from now, and the grand return of that damn rat. And even that I kind of had to pad out a little. I really don't have anything else going here.
RATING: BAD
NEXT: Stuff actually starts to happen. I promise.