I dont even know what to write in here anymore.
ya know. I feel down. kinda lost. I mean is this it? really?
I have always felt that with enough willpower anything was possible. mind over matter and all that BS. I ran cross country, and proved to myself that I could run as fast as I could make myself. the effort, the pain, it was all there, but my will was stronger than those petty physical limitations.
Ive never been a happy person though. in first grade my teachers told my mom that they were worried about me because I never smiled. looking at pictures of the family over the years I find that I barely smile in them. and I mean most family photo albums are of happy times! vacations and the like, birthdays.
but I have always held to my guns, will triumphs over all. I always felt that somehow, I could learn how to overcome my emotions, the same way I could push my self to run faster at the end of a 3 mile race in 98 degree weather. but as I sit here now, and reflect, I realize I don't think I can.
Im tired and worn out from fighting my own emotions all the time. from pushing the "other half" of me down, and telling him hes stupid and needs to grow up and move on. I guess I realize that if i cant embrace that side of myself, and still control that side of myself, I will never be at peace. I feel isolated from my self, and as such I feel isolated from the rest of the world too.
I guess what this all comes to... I dunno. my mom takes meds for anxiety and depression, my brother for schizophrenia. my father takes nothing, but he cant stop from working all the time, to the extent that he is away from my family alot. should I too?
the problem is that Ive always felt that I could, and should be able to control myself. my father always tried to fill me with self control. and when I couldn't control myself he sat and MADE me. it hurt alot, but i learned alot. so I just cant imagine giving up on self control and taking meds.
sure sure sure I know that alot of mental conditions CANT be controlled except by medication. but I dont feel thats me. I just always feel like Im on this cusp of control. like a door is just a crack open, and i can only kind of make out the world on the other side. Im just so close, and Ive come so far like this, I just cant imagine letting go of that control Ive tried to hold over my self for so god damn long. I dont know if i CAN let it go, much less if I really want to. wont i be so much the happier when Ive figured out how to be happy of my own will, than by taking a pill every day for the rest of my life.
perhaps this is a form of rebellion. in first grade my parents put me on Ritalin. I hated it, I never liked it and never understood why. all I knew is that I never ate lunch, I couldn't, and i had a very hard time sleeping. sure I could focus, like a laser, for hours, one one thing, manic. but apparently that was what was wanted and expected. it didnt help me do homework, or enjoy school, just gave me manic focus. as such, the second I felt like I could, I told my parents was going to stop taking it. that was at the end of 7th grade.
I think that because of that experience, Im extra resentful of taking any kind of medication, and of pharmaceuticals in general.
Im not suicidal or anything, but I just get so damn tired of everything. tired of being alone, and tired of being afraid of people. why cant this shit ever be easy?
I have always felt that with enough willpower anything was possible. mind over matter and all that BS. I ran cross country, and proved to myself that I could run as fast as I could make myself. the effort, the pain, it was all there, but my will was stronger than those petty physical limitations.
Ive never been a happy person though. in first grade my teachers told my mom that they were worried about me because I never smiled. looking at pictures of the family over the years I find that I barely smile in them. and I mean most family photo albums are of happy times! vacations and the like, birthdays.
but I have always held to my guns, will triumphs over all. I always felt that somehow, I could learn how to overcome my emotions, the same way I could push my self to run faster at the end of a 3 mile race in 98 degree weather. but as I sit here now, and reflect, I realize I don't think I can.
Im tired and worn out from fighting my own emotions all the time. from pushing the "other half" of me down, and telling him hes stupid and needs to grow up and move on. I guess I realize that if i cant embrace that side of myself, and still control that side of myself, I will never be at peace. I feel isolated from my self, and as such I feel isolated from the rest of the world too.
I guess what this all comes to... I dunno. my mom takes meds for anxiety and depression, my brother for schizophrenia. my father takes nothing, but he cant stop from working all the time, to the extent that he is away from my family alot. should I too?
the problem is that Ive always felt that I could, and should be able to control myself. my father always tried to fill me with self control. and when I couldn't control myself he sat and MADE me. it hurt alot, but i learned alot. so I just cant imagine giving up on self control and taking meds.
sure sure sure I know that alot of mental conditions CANT be controlled except by medication. but I dont feel thats me. I just always feel like Im on this cusp of control. like a door is just a crack open, and i can only kind of make out the world on the other side. Im just so close, and Ive come so far like this, I just cant imagine letting go of that control Ive tried to hold over my self for so god damn long. I dont know if i CAN let it go, much less if I really want to. wont i be so much the happier when Ive figured out how to be happy of my own will, than by taking a pill every day for the rest of my life.
perhaps this is a form of rebellion. in first grade my parents put me on Ritalin. I hated it, I never liked it and never understood why. all I knew is that I never ate lunch, I couldn't, and i had a very hard time sleeping. sure I could focus, like a laser, for hours, one one thing, manic. but apparently that was what was wanted and expected. it didnt help me do homework, or enjoy school, just gave me manic focus. as such, the second I felt like I could, I told my parents was going to stop taking it. that was at the end of 7th grade.
I think that because of that experience, Im extra resentful of taking any kind of medication, and of pharmaceuticals in general.
Im not suicidal or anything, but I just get so damn tired of everything. tired of being alone, and tired of being afraid of people. why cant this shit ever be easy?