(no subject)
Half of me wishes I could get out of my house, and never come back. But the other half knows I couldn't manage that, and that my parents would never ever let me. Sometimes I feel like I'm going to be living at home forever, because I'm never going to get a job and now I don't even fucking want to go to Humboldt because I'm going to go and its going to be great and then something will happen and I'll come back here and its going to suck and I'll never be able to leave.
I sometimes wish that life was easier and that I knew how to handle it. I'm doing a really bad job right now. I can't even stay happy for an extended period of time and my mother's constant nagging and completely not being helpful is ridiculous.
My mother thinks she understands me so well and knows exactly what I want, but fuck, I don't even know what I want. Right now all I want is to be happy, and for some reason I think I need to find that happiness in someone else who can share it with me. I thought I found that somebody, but fuck, so much for that. I can't even get him on the phone anymore. I guess I feel used.
Right now is one of those times where I want to give up because I feel like I'm not very good at anything and I never really will be. I know I do my theater stuff and that would make a great career, but it doesn't pay very well and I'm sure my parents wouldn't approve of me getting a degree in something so "useless", especially on their cash.
I don't feel like I could handle being a teacher. I don't feel like anybody in their right mind should let me have a teaching credential or leave me in charge of a classroom.
I don't feel like I could handle going to school because of my "issues".
I don't feel like I can find someone who can love me, when I can't even love myself.
Sometimes I feel like my emotions are all fucked up. I think that I feel the wrong thing sometimes. Sometimes when I'm driving I think about what it would be like to crash into a tree, but I know I could never crash into a tree because I would feel bad for the tree.
Sometimes I want to be Amish. Amish people kinda have it pretty great, without all the technology and they don't have to worry about much besides that farm or whatever, even though I have no idea what its really like and I'm probably wrong, it just seems so much easier.
I want to paint, but I can't afford any paints. I asked my mom if she could help me out, and she told me to get a job.
The way I see it, I kinda worked my ass off to graduate early, because my mother made me, and now she makes it so I owe her for it.
I got $20 from my aunt today in the mail, and my mom took it because I "owe" her for the computer they got me for my birthday. And my cell phone. And christmas.
I think its fucked up that just because I'm 18 now, I have to do everything for myself, and not expect the least little help from my family.
I still live at home, because I'm not allowed to move out, so fuck that.
.....I want to move to Hawaii and just relax and not worry for the rest of my life.
I sometimes wish that life was easier and that I knew how to handle it. I'm doing a really bad job right now. I can't even stay happy for an extended period of time and my mother's constant nagging and completely not being helpful is ridiculous.
My mother thinks she understands me so well and knows exactly what I want, but fuck, I don't even know what I want. Right now all I want is to be happy, and for some reason I think I need to find that happiness in someone else who can share it with me. I thought I found that somebody, but fuck, so much for that. I can't even get him on the phone anymore. I guess I feel used.
Right now is one of those times where I want to give up because I feel like I'm not very good at anything and I never really will be. I know I do my theater stuff and that would make a great career, but it doesn't pay very well and I'm sure my parents wouldn't approve of me getting a degree in something so "useless", especially on their cash.
I don't feel like I could handle being a teacher. I don't feel like anybody in their right mind should let me have a teaching credential or leave me in charge of a classroom.
I don't feel like I could handle going to school because of my "issues".
I don't feel like I can find someone who can love me, when I can't even love myself.
Sometimes I feel like my emotions are all fucked up. I think that I feel the wrong thing sometimes. Sometimes when I'm driving I think about what it would be like to crash into a tree, but I know I could never crash into a tree because I would feel bad for the tree.
Sometimes I want to be Amish. Amish people kinda have it pretty great, without all the technology and they don't have to worry about much besides that farm or whatever, even though I have no idea what its really like and I'm probably wrong, it just seems so much easier.
I want to paint, but I can't afford any paints. I asked my mom if she could help me out, and she told me to get a job.
The way I see it, I kinda worked my ass off to graduate early, because my mother made me, and now she makes it so I owe her for it.
I got $20 from my aunt today in the mail, and my mom took it because I "owe" her for the computer they got me for my birthday. And my cell phone. And christmas.
I think its fucked up that just because I'm 18 now, I have to do everything for myself, and not expect the least little help from my family.
I still live at home, because I'm not allowed to move out, so fuck that.
.....I want to move to Hawaii and just relax and not worry for the rest of my life.