Too little, too late
Written for the Supernatural Gen Fic Exchange 2009 for Tabaqui.
Characters: Sam, Bobby, Dean
Rating: PG-13 for language
Genre: Angst, H/C, AU
Word Count: ~6,400
Summary: The boys try to deal with John's death and Sam realizes something about himself.
Warnings: This is slightly AU. The story-arc as such hasn’t been altered, but some minor modifications have been made.
Author’s Notes:
(1) Prompt: Sam’s always had powers. Dean doesn’t talk if you’re not Sam. And sometimes not then.
(2) There is no official date for John’s death, some place it in the first half of the year, some think it happened around September (when the 2nd season started) but nobody really knows anything. So I had to come up with something.
(3) The sometimes inconsistent (grammatically not quite correct) use of tenses is completely intentional.
Timeline: Set about a week after “Everybody loves a clown” (season 2)
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August 2006
Don't know the exact date. It's... after. Guess I'm supposed to write stuff like that down but I don't care. Not now. Doesn't matter anyway, not like I'm keeping this journal once I get my laptop back.
Still at Bobby's. He's awesome, looking after us without hovering. Much. Got us a couple of beers yesterday and we spent most of the night watching Rice chasing after that stupid ball. Damned puppy is tripping more over his own feet than actually running but he's getting there. Bobby made me talk about... him. Hurt like hell, don't wanna do this again any time soon. But it helped. A little.
Dean didn't join us, stayed at the other end of the car park. Working on the car. I guess. Don't know actually. He's still not talking to me. Or Bobby for that matter. Don't know why, guess I really pissed him off.
I miss him.
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August 2006
Car's still coming around slowly. Well, that's what I guess, I can't really tell. It looks just like yesterday or the day before. But he's working on it all day, so that has to mean something. At least [we] Bobby and I heard of him finally. Sort of. He left a note, there are some things he needs for the car. Bobby's taking care of that.
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August 2006
I'm going stir-crazy. I'm bored out of my mind here, there is nothing I can do to keep myself occupied. I've tried reading some of Bobby's books, do some research on different monsters but... I can't. I can still hear his voice. Whenever I come across something he told us all those years ago I just...
I've cleaned the kitchen while Bobby was away and got a raised eyebrow for my trouble. That and a muttered “idjit”. I've tried to catalogue his books so he knows where to find stuff and he almost threw me out of the living-room. Apparently he knows exactly where everything is and doesn't want me messing with his stuff. Same goes for the car park, I'm not supposed to touch anything.
Bobby told me to get out there and talk to him, be there for him, but I don't know how. He doesn't let me. Hell, I haven't even seen him for days. He goes to bed when I'm already asleep and he gets up... I don't even know when he gets up, he's just gone in the morning. Like he wants to get as far away from me as possible.
I don't get it. Did I really piss him off so badly? How? And why doesn't he get over it? We both said some thing we shouldn't have said. And it's not the first time we had a fight.
I don't know what to do.
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August 2006
I can't sleep, the nightmares are back. I think. I'm not really sure. They are not about the fire, the accident or the demon. They are not even about Dad. Or Jess. They are just... there. I don't really see anything. Or if I see something, then I don't remember it. What I do remember are those feelings, this knot in my throat which is so tight I can barely breathe. Or that friggin' pit in my stomach that had me doubling over in pain for a moment before I realized where I was.
Dean is never there, his bed is always empty. Sometimes I think he doesn't even want to sleep (or be?) in the same room with me any more. Maybe he sleeps in the car. I don’t know.
I should tell Bobby about those 'dreams', maybe he can help.
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August 2006
Couldn't sleep tonight, went down to get a beer. Dean was there, in the kitchen. I almost didn't see him because the lights were out. We didn't speak, just moved around each other in silence. It was like some understanding we've never established, as long as I don't talk, he won't leave (the room). So I kept quiet and he stayed. I guess that's a start.
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August 2006
Bobby says Dean told him he's okay.
Yeah, I can see that.
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August 2006
Nightmares are getting worse, woke up last night because there was something in my gut, eating away at it. At least that's how it felt. This just sucks.
Think I saw Dean leave the room but I was too tired to check the time.
What the hell?
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August 2006
Something's wrong, I can feel it. I'm doing it again, my telekinesis is acting up. I knocked over a lamp the other night (have to get a new one). It shattered against the wall and I woke up with the worst cramps I've had in a long time. Like there's something inside me which wants to get out. And shred my guts just for the fun of it.
I just don't know why. The carnival wasn't that bad and the dreams about Dad (those I remember anyway) don't make me mad. Or upset. Well, not in the mad-sense of the word.
I wish Dean was here to talk about it. But he's having enough of his own issues at the moment, and I don't want to dump mine on him as well. Winchester-rule No. 37 it is then, no breakable or potentially dangerous objects allowed in Super-Sammy's bedroom. I still remember that one night when I knocked Dad off his bed. Or the bump on Dean's head when I smashed him into the wall.
I'm gonna do some practising tomorrow, maybe that'll help with the outbursts. Still have to find out if I can open a beer without touching the bottle. That'd be cool.
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August 2006
Woke up today and had to get away. The walls are closing in, I can feel it. I can even see it, they are moving when I'm not looking. Told Bobby I'd be back in a few and then just left. Started to walk. Then I was running. As fast as I could. Didn't know where, just running. Until that damned tree jumped in front of me and I went down. Hard. It hurt. Think there was blood. I didn't care, only lay there.
Dad is dead. He isn't coming back. Ever. I think I finally get that. I think I finally begin to understand what that means. Dad is dead. Gone. Like Mom. And Jess. God, it hurts.
I lost it. Completely lost it. I kicked that fucking tree so hard I thought my foot was broken. Then I was shouting at Dad because I was AM so fucking mad at him. For leaving us. Again.
How could he? How could he just die when we need him so badly? We barely survived that attack in the cabin, he should be here for us. Protecting us. You don't leave your kids behind. Look what you've done to Dean, Dad, he's hurt, he's hurting so bad he can't go on and you just left. I can't believe you just died on us, we need you, I need you, Dad, despite everything, I don't wanna do this alone, I can't
Oh my god. I didn't mean to write that down. I
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August 2006
I almost burned the damned thing. I feel stupid.
Great, now I feel even more stupid. Crap. Dean would laugh his head off.
Bobby says the bruise on my face doesn't look too bad, like I had gone into a bar fight with a drunk and not been jumped by a friggin' tree. He's worried about me and I wanted to tell him... I don't really know what but I couldn't get any words out. He just looked at me, mumbled something (money's on 'idjit', again) and went back to work. Gotta love the guy.
I finally went to check on Dean. And the car. They still look like crap. I wonder if they are ever going to look like themselves again.
He didn't say anything. I guess that's good cause he didn't send me away either. Spent the evening with him. Without a word. I don't care. We're together, we’re healing.
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green woman screaming black smoke lonely road white fence dog big brown Rottweiler dead flames boy girl young baby toy-truck on window she's writing something smoke comes up man husband? black eyes they're kissing strangles
Wednesday
I was right, the visions are back. One vision anyway. Hurt like a bitch. I think I blacked out while I was writing it down and I can't make much of the notes. Was hard to concentrate, stay awake long enough to write at least part of it down. He should have been here. Gotta talk to him about that, he needs to be here if another one hits. I wish to God I could hit back.
Told Bobby about it, we tried to find out if there was any useful information in what I remember. There wasn't. Isn't. Whatever. That house, the garden... could be anywhere. I hate it, I don't want that. My head's killing me.
Too much
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Thursday
Bobby's keeping an eye on me. No vision so far. Been trying to practise my telekinesis. Bobby says I should, could come in handy. Talked to him about my abilities, of course he's always known about them but we've never really talked about them. Turns out he was the one to tell Dad he should make me train them after the Arizona-incident. Dad didn't want to, he thought that other hunters might find out if I use them, just like he always told me. Bobby's not shy about them, told me to take what I have and use it. Guess he's right.
Haven't been able to open that beer so far. Rice never gets tired of chasing after that stupid ball.
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Can we not fight?
Dad, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.
I get that now, you knew that we it was that the last
Dad, I'm sorry. Please don't think I hate you, I don't!
I miss you.
I'm so sorry.
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Been thinking a lot today
We officially have a case now. Was sitting on the porch, keeping an eye on Rice when the vision hit. Hurt like a bitch but this time I could see a license plate, Sweet Home / Oregon, that’s a two day’s drive from here. Bobby said I took a nose dive down the stairs and scratched my face pretty badly. With the bruises from the car crash and that black eye from where the tree knocked me down, I now look as if I lost a fight against a pissed tiger. Dean would make fun of me if he talked. We’re waiting for him atm, he went to town to get something for the car before I had that meeting with the floor.
Don’t know about the case though, I mean two days? That’s a whole lot of time, especially when you’re not talking. Don’t even know if he wants to work the job at all. If he doesn’t, I’ll ask Bobby to watch my back. Maybe I shouldn’t ask Dean at all, he deserves the time off, I should not drag him into another of those freaky visions, not so soon…
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August 25th, 2006
We’re on the road.
Dean listened to what I told him about the visions, asked me if I wanted to do this and then asked Bobby if he had another car running. Thank God it wasn’t another soccer-mom disaster; apparently a rusty, black Jeep Cherokee is cool enough for us. We packed some stuff and left. Feels good, we even have a tape deck. I missed the music. He isn’t singing along but hums sometimes. I take what I can get.
I so want my laptop back; it’s uncomfortable writing with a pen in a moving vehicle. Told Dean I was working on some notes about the case; guess he’d call me a girl if he knew I was keeping a journal and writing about him.
Maybe I should tell him, at least he’d be talking then.
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August 26th, 2006
Things are looking up. Spent the last night at the motel, watching Star Wars on TV. We talked a little, mostly about the case. Nice to hear his voice again.
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August 27th, 2006
Found the house and the family, everything looks normal. Feels strange to be around other people though, I’m not used to it anymore, guess we spent too much time alone at Bobby’s.
We’re taking turns watching over the family; think they’re safe for the night since my vision happened in plain daylight. Dean’s taking a walk right now, checking out the surroundings and I’m watching the car, it’s a nice
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August 29th, 2006
Hospitals suck, man. I hate it, it’s only a concussion for God’s sake, and I’ve had worse. Why is it always me who gets flung around, thrown into trees or attacked by possessed seniors?
Dean told me Grandpa came up behind me with a steam iron. I mean what the hell?! That hurt! I didn’t see him; I was reading the damn exorcism. Dean had to take the demons out by himself and I was still out when the ambulance arrived, so we couldn’t just leave, not with me barely conscious anyway.
I need to memorize that damn thing, can’t have demons sneaking up on me because I’m busy reading from a book. Should make Dean learn it by heart as well, but… well, Dean and Latin, I could as well be teaching the ritual to Rice, I think that could actually work.
Well, we saved the people, sent two demons back to hell, what more could one want?
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August 30th, 2006
Something strange happened today. I was just signing me out of the hospital when my stomach clenched and out of the blue I felt my throat close up and my eyes were starting to burn. And then there were tears and Dean was looking at me funny because I was honest to God crying like a girl right there in a damn hospital. And I couldn’t stop. I fled outside and it got better. Dean’s been giving me those side glances ever since and I swear I can feel his worry about me and it’s kind of suffocating.
What is happening to me?
Is this about Dad?
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August 31st, 2006
Back at Bobby’s. I’m supposed to rest. Dean’s working on the car again but he said I could help him as soon as I felt better. I know he wants to keep an eye on me after whateverthatwas at the hospital and I guess I should feel irritated. I don’t want him to hover.
Gonna get us a beer.
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September 1st, 2006
I think I’m going crazy.
Bobby and I went to the city to get some stuff. We were at the supermarket and suddenly all I can think of is to get OUT and my heart starts racing, I begin to shake, can barely move. Don’t really know how I got out but Bobby was next to me, dragging me to his car and asking me if I was alright. No, apparently I wasn’t but I told him it was only a dizzy spell. He had me wait in the car then while he did the shopping and I felt really stupid. And strange. Something’s been tingling at the back of my head ever since, like I should know something, be aware of something that just won’t show itself. I asked Bobby not to tell Dean, he called me an idjit but agreed. If it happens again or he thinks I’m getting worse, he will tell him though, so I have to get a grip on it.
Whatever it is.
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September 3rd, 2006
This isn’t happening; this so isn’t happening! I’m feeling stuff. No, not stuff but friggin’ people! I was on the porch again and Rice was tearing up some old newspapers and then my stomach clenches again and there is this tingling and I’m so angry suddenly and just want to smash something. And then Dean comes out and says something about spare parts and “get my money back” and leaves for town. And I’m just staring after him because I can fucking feel how upset he is and I can’t stop it. And then he’s gone and the feeling’s gone and Bobby’s asking me why I’m shaking like a fucking leaf. What is happening to me? What IS that?!
Back from the walk, just had to get out, get away. A long walk. Was thinking about stuff Lawrence, about home. Because I’ve felt that before. Just different. With Mom. When she was there in the house, I felt her. Didn’t know at first it was her but I could feel something. Like with Dean, when he is in the room. I always know where he is, without looking. I’ve never realized before that I could always tell if he was upstairs or in the basement. He could never sneak up on me, not even when we were kids. He hated that but I just never really noticed.
And then it happened again; when I was walking back to Bobby’s, I suddenly felt something and the Jeep’s there and Dean’s asking me if I wanted a ride back. And he was so fucking relaxed and at ease that I couldn’t say no and got in. Felt drawn to him, like never before. I feel stupid writing this but I felt safe. And then we’re back at the house and he gets out and disappears and I can’t feel him anymore. And suddenly I miss him.
Think I’m going nuts.
I’m scared. At least I’m pretty sure it’s me who’s scared, not somebody else.
I think.
It’s so confusing, so not cool anymore.
Research, need to do some research. I want that fucking laptop, dammit!
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Missouri 555 9923 532
September 4th, 2006
Now it’s official. I’m psychic. Even more psychic than before. Called Missouri and told her I wanted to ask her something and before I could say anything she says “Honey, you don’t have to be afraid about it” and I’m freaking out because how does she do that?! She told me I’m an ‘empath’, I can ‘feel’ other people, read their auras so to speak. That’s what I did with Mom. That’s what I’m doing with Dean. She says it works best with people I’m close to, as long as I haven’t trained it. Close as in ‘emotionally close’. I asked her why I can’t feel Bobby then. She said it’s because we’re at his house and his ‘emotional imprint’ is all over the place and his aura blends in with it. He is basically everywhere around the junkyard and since I’m a newbie I won’t be able to sense him easily.
I want it to stop. I don’t want to spy on Dean. Dean, of all people, as soon as he knows, he’s going to want to get away from me as far as possible. He’ll never be comfortable around me again.
FUCK IT!!!!
Missouri said I’ve always been empathic but on a purely intuitive level, I would sense enough to notice certain things and it never bothered me. It does now, A LOT! I don’t want that. Those visions are bad enough, and I could at least ignore the telekinesis-stuff, but this?
Now I can throw people into walls and ‘sense’ how they feel about it. Isn’t that just great?
Missouri said it’s going to get worse if I don’t accept it and train. Scared me. She says I need to learn how to shield myself from other people. I have to practice so I can control it. She said it could be dangerous, especially on the job if I can’t separate myself from others. But I’m not like Missouri, she can actually read people’s thoughts, not just feelings like I can. Apparently I’m a natural. If I practice enough, I won’t even have to see the people, like with Dean. Oh God, please stop that, I don’t want him to leave me, please… Not now…
I hate my life.
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- occasionally empaths are also able to project their own emotions, or to affect the emotions of others
- abilities are less about psychic power and more attributed to a heightened sense of the same kind of empathy every human being possesses
- most of these cases wind up with psychological disorders by the time they hit puberty, and can become extremely disturbed in locations containing many people due to the "emotional static"
- rare case of an empath with control over this ability leads to an individual who is an amazing judge of character due to their understanding of other people, although they do tend to be easily influenced by the outward emotional expressions of others
- empaths often have better social interactions with pre-pubescent children, as adults tend to hide or disguise their emotional state, which can confuse an empathy
Could only use the PC for two hours, library closes at 6 p.m.. Couldn’t even print anything, damned thing is broken.
This sucks.
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September 6th, 2006
This is so stupid.
I can’t stay near him anymore. I can feel his moods so clearly and
I want to be near him, it feels good, so familiar, not different or anything.
It’s just that… now that I know what it is, that there is something --- I always thought I just knew him very well ‘cause we hang around together all the time.
Oh God, he’s gonna be so pissed if I tell him.
I don’t want him to leave. Please don’t let him leave me. I can’t do this, I can’t
Gonna take a walk.
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September 7th, 2006
I can’t do this, I need to stop this somehow. I can’t, it’s too much!
Missouri’s here, Bobby picked her up from the airport this morning and now she’s here; and he knows something is wrong with me. And she told me I should tell him the truth but I can’t, I just can’t. I can’t do this. No.
Sneaked out of the house while they were talking and making small talk but I have the feeling she let me, don’t think I would have been able to move a finger without her knowing about it. I want to get away, get as far away from them as possible.
I don’t want him to leave, I need him.
Great, I sound like a girl. Again.
Spent the day on the junkyard, nobody came out to get me, so I had time to think. I know I’ll have to tell him, I do. Just can’t find the right words.
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September 8th, 2006
The cat’s out of the bag and he’s still here. He’s spooked, I can tell that even without those crappy powers, but he doesn’t leave. He asked me if I was like Missouri, if I could read his dirty thoughts and I told him no, I couldn’t (and wouldn’t) do that. He relaxed a little, even made a joke about Missouri and her ‘freaky stuff’, and she hit him over the head for it. I’m still nervous around him and I know he doesn’t know what to think about it but he isn’t leaving, and I can live with everything else.
Shit, I can’t do this, I can’t, I
God, I feel sick I can’t How am I supposed to do this?! I
Missouri showed me what it means to shield myself. Holy shit, I don’t ever want to do this again. It’s like --- She touched me, my arm, and I it was I can’t describe what it feels like. I couldn’t see. I mean, I could see them standing next to me, but Dean --- he was gone. He was right there and was gone at the same time. And I felt cold, so fucking cold. And empty. And deaf. I could hear them but they were gone. And I panicked. I don’t know what happened exactly, I just had to get away and then my head hurt and Dean was there and really there and holding my head and telling me to keep breathing. Later Bobby told me I went about as white as a ghost and stopped breathing and then I shrieked (he honestly said I shrieked, for God’s sake!) and pulled back from her so fast that I tripped over something and hit my head on the table. Yeah, that’s me alright.
It was awful, I don’t can’t do this again.
Missouri wants to try something tomorrow, she promised it wouldn’t hurt me, and it wouldn’t be bad at all.
And still I can’t stop shaking.
Don’t think I’ll be able to sleep this night.
I hate my life.
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Got a couple hours of sleep last night ‘cause Dean was there. For the first time since we’re here, he went to bed at the same time I did. I guess Missouri made him somehow but he didn’t seem to mind much. We talked a little about… basically he was complaining about stuff she made him do (like doing the dishes with Bobby) and he was going to make damn sure I’ll get my share today. And all the while he felt relaxed and he just like alwa like Dean. Dropped off like a stone.
I’m nervous about Missouri’s whatever today but I haven’t seen her yet.
I don’t know what to say. Or think. It That was I’m never going to live that down.
And that big jerk hasn’t stopped grinning ever since.
She took us to some place several minutes away from Bobby’s. He had to stay home, she wanted as few different auras as possible. Feels strange to think about people this way but now that she made me aware of it, I can see feel that she’s right. People feel different but I can’t really find words for it. Dean is just Dean, and Bobby’s Bobby. What little I can feel of him sometimes. But he is quieter, more centred than Dean. And something else. Missouri is peace. Warm. It’s fascinating. Sometimes.
Still scares me though. Sometimes.
Okay, most of the time. Whatever.
She told us to stay in the middle of a field and just wait for what would happen. We were supposed to stay about two feet apart from each other and then she disappeared. Not like she became invisible, she simply walked away. Jeez, all this psychic stuff is playing a number on my mind sometimes.
Dean was joking all the time, he was nervous, just like me, but nothing happened. At first. Then I started laughing. Out of the blue. I felt so warm, so alive, peaceful, so friggin’ happy, and I grinned like an idiot and just laughed. Dean was looking funny at me for some seconds, which only made me laugh even harder. Guess I was contagious, suddenly he was grinning himself and then giggling like a freaking school-girl. It felt so overwhelmingly AWESOME I wished it would never stop. But then everything started spinning crazily and I couldn’t breathe. I stumbled, almost fell, was fighting for my balance. I couldn’t see Dean but he was there and caught me somehow. Then it stopped, I could breathe again. Dean was growling something, swearing at Missouri and yelling for her but she didn’t answer. We started to get worried. Dean wondered if we should look for her, and he heard her cry out suddenly, started jogging toward where we saw her disappear. I wanted to follow but it happened again, I couldn’t breathe and stumbled, went down. I hate this, it’s the worst feeling ever, it feels like dying somehow, inside. I’m still not sure what exactly happened then. Next thing I know is Dean’s holding on to me, mumbling something about kicking her once he finds her.
I don’t remember how or when she got back but suddenly she was next to us, and she looked so pleased with herself that I felt apprehensive. She told us she had a pretty good idea about something. I’m still not sure that I really understood everything she said but basically it’s like Dean can shield me. I have no idea how he does that (he doesn’t either), and Missouri thinks it’s an instinctive reaction; Dean is not psychic per se but he is able to shield, block my power or block me from my power to protect me. As far as she can tell, it only works when he touches me (I was fighting so hard not to laugh at his face about that), and (so far) it only seems to work if I’m in danger or he thinks I’m in danger. She thinks he might have done it a lot over the years and she thinks it’s a gift.
Dean loves it, I can sense that and I know why. It’s the first time ever he isn’t freaked out about my powers because he can actually do something about them. He feels a little in control, and he needs that. He can help me if something happens, and Missouri says he might even be able to help me a little with the visions though she doesn’t really know how we can work on that since it isn’t really a power he can train.
I don’t know how I feel about it, I whenever he it’s strange. Anyhow, this freaking power seems to have settled something between us, he doesn’t try to keep his distance from me and I have a feeling I can finally rest. At least that’s what it feels like. Whatever that means.
Spent the rest of the day on the junkyard with Dean and the Impala. She’s It’s coming around a lot faster now. I can finally recognize it. Dean says we’ll be on the road again in a few days.
Still have to talk to Missouri about that empathy-stuff and how to practice it but for today I’ll just stay here.
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September 11th, 2006
Had a long talk with Missouri this afternoon, and she told me a lot of stuff. She’ll be teaching me how to shield myself, and she already showed me some exercises. I hate it. She said I am so used to sensing him around me that when she blocked him the other day, I had a panic attack because I thought Dean was dead. And that’s exactly what it felt like; he just wasn’t there anymore. God, I hate that feeling. Don’t know how this shielding is supposed to work if I can’t won’t can’t shut him out?
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September 12th, 2006
I’m a crappy student, I can’t block him, no matter how hard I try. Maybe because I really don’t want to. I know Missouri’s right, it can be dangerous on hunts when he gets hurt or something, but this feeling loss
She left early this morning, had to get back home, but we’ll be in touch and we’re supposed to stop by whenever we’re near Lawrence. Dean doesn’t seem as bothered by that as I thought he’d be. I kind of miss her, I didn’t realize it until they had left the junkyard and I couldn’t feel her anymore. Her warmth (for lack of a better word) was gone. Don’t think I’ll ever get used to this. The car’s almost repaired and already he’s itching to be on the road.
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Bobby found something for us in Red Lodge, Montana. Cattle mutilations, people loosing their heads… Dean wants to check it out, thinks it could be our gig, though I believe he wants to try out the car, it’s a 3 days drive. I’m a little nervous about it as I still have no idea how the empathy is going to affect our work but I guess I’ll just have to try and see what happens.
Finally, FINALLY got my laptop back, there IS a God somewhere! I thought about burning the journal but
I'm leaving this at your house, so if you ever come across this... Thanks, Bobby.
For everything.
Sam Winchester
September 14th, 2006
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Dude, you're such a girl!
But thanks.
You too, Bobby.
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