(no subject)
i know i have a problem.
i have never tried to tell anyone that injuring myself is normal. i know it is not. it is sick, perverted, insane behavior that is anything but normal. i disturb even myself but it is an on-going addiction. everyday, even if i feel happiness, i long to tear my skin because for some reason the sight of a perfect line and then free-flowing blood puts me at ease. i am not an emo-kid. i am not a fucking stupid stereotype of an attention seeker. i have a problem. and i am having trouble dealing with it.
my medication is helping my depression and anxiety a lot. i am glad for it, i really am. for the first time in a long while i don't feel guilty for being happy. despite the bad things that happen i still feel pretty optimistic/in control. i feel grounded by a base of general stability. i don't feel quite so crazy, so bipolar anymore. but the fact that my desire to self-injure remains convinces me even more that it is a genuine problem and not just a pathetic cry for help. i will not lie. i have injured myself recently. i feel so fucking contradictory sometimes. while i look at the burn scars on my arm and wish they would fade more quickly, i want nothing more than to cut perfectly straight lines across my arm, to draw blood so that it can flow down and soothe me. but no, i cannot... i have chosen to reveal my secret to my family and i know things would be strange if i suddenly started wearing long sleeves all the time, especially with this god-forsaken heat. so i have cut my legs occasionally... in general i am strong and can fight it but not forever. i give in sometimes. i have eighteen beautifully straight cuts on my legs. but i both love and loathe them. they are my greatest pride and my greatest weakness... i won't pretend to be perfect.
i just want to find a way to be honest in all things. i am slowly growing used to baring my scars in public, if only by wearing a shirt that shows the very top of my scars instead of covering them completely. it may seem like a small step to everyone else but it is a huge one to me. i am fighting to gain control and yet there is that foolish part of me that does not want to. i am in love with self-destruction and have been for a very long time, and that will be a very difficult habit to break.