I liked the dinner slowly deteriorating as the relationship did. Neat metaphor.
What purpose does the "meeting him" scene serve? I get the "I'm gonna be an officer" talk, but the meeting just doesn't seem to jive as well.
Anne's hangup over the kid-killing seems a bit abrupt. It might be more realistic if she struggled more visibly with reconciling her devotion to Jake with the idea of him as a kid-killer. Maybe a passage of sympathy for the kid, ("Oh, he was just seventeen, he had a hard home life, what was that 'monster under the bed'? etc.") followed by reasons for loving Jake ("He loved Elvis Costello; he gave money to homeless people; he wanted to serve and protect his community etc.")? Just a suggestion.
i tried to shoot for a few metaphors and references that i thought might not be clear. i'm really glad you picked up the dinner one, because that was definitely the most important
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What purpose does the "meeting him" scene serve? I get the "I'm gonna be an officer" talk, but the meeting just doesn't seem to jive as well.
Anne's hangup over the kid-killing seems a bit abrupt. It might be more realistic if she struggled more visibly with reconciling her devotion to Jake with the idea of him as a kid-killer. Maybe a passage of sympathy for the kid, ("Oh, he was just seventeen, he had a hard home life, what was that 'monster under the bed'? etc.") followed by reasons for loving Jake ("He loved Elvis Costello; he gave money to homeless people; he wanted to serve and protect his community etc.")? Just a suggestion.
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