Believe - Prologue

[milkweeds00]

This is the prologue of a story I've tentatively titled "Believe." Please read it and comment, even if only to say you read it. Thanks.

BELIEVE - PROLOGUE

“Do you have it?”
            “Yep.”

“Radical. Come on, put it in before she gets here.”

Steve handed the piece of chalk to Danny. Danny rushed up to the front

Comments

[redefinegravity]

i dig it. I kind of feel like the last paragraph is a little too abrupt a change of voice, but I am not able to offer a better alternative.

[milkweeds00]

Thanks for reading. I'll work on the ending, which should be easier to revise once I've finished the next chapter (if I ever do).

[anonymous]

I liked the story a lot. And I disagree - I think the last paragraph works if it's a style you maintain throughout the story (eg taking a step back every few pages and becoming an ubernarrator). The beginning definitely makes me want to read more of it.

I didn't quite understand the 'vacuum' and 'nothingness' imagery though. They're probably coming from sincere emotions, but I couldn't feel it.

Cheers,
S

[milkweeds00]

Hey man, thanks for commenting! And thanks for the mention about deleting the first sentence of the last paragraph from gchat, I think I'll probably do that in revisions. I'm going to keep working on the vacuum/nothingness stuff, as it's a very important theme in the story I'm going for. I hope it resonates for you in revisions and further sections.

[milkweeds00]

And I'll also keep focusing on how people experiencing tragedy focus on minor things, as you mentioned in gchat.

[anonymous]

Hello! This is Sonam's roommate Andrea - we met once last fall. I'm commenting from Sonam's computer, as he wanted me to read this. I thought it was really good! I think that the tone is good, as is the pacing. I would definitely be interested to read more!!!

[milkweeds00]

Hey Andrea, thanks for reading! I remember talking to you that one time, I'm glad you read this. Sonam told me you moved back in with them, maybe I'll see you around again. Thanks again, it really means a lot to hear critiques from new people.

[crispy47]

I'm on my way out the door, but I just printed this. I'll have some comments for you tomorrow.

[milkweeds00]

Great, looking forward to it.

[crispy47]

So I wrote this a long time ago (when I said I was going to), but lj hasn't been letting me comment. Hopefully it will work this time....

First, I don't often like stories about children. Don't ask me why, I just don't. But I did like this. Contra Michelle, I thought the presence of a distant adult narrator in the last graph was really valuable, and I think you could do with a little (not a lot) more of it.

The narratorial voice is I think one of three big challenges you've put before yourself. You often use voice more in harmony with the child characters themselves (e.g. "She was the best teacher in the fourth grade and every kid knew it"; "Grandmommy"). The difficulty here is that it's not an entirely childish voice-in some ways it's like an adult speaking to a child-and it can drift into a sort of agelessness that I don't think helps the story (e.g. "The class held its collective breath"). I think the child-sympathetic voice needs to be maintained better. It shouldn't be hard

[crispy47]

Here are the notes I took in the margins of the print-out.

Steve "flashed an oafish grin"-cliché
Danny "wondered if [Lindsey's hand] was going to fall off"-out of character
"'...,' Lindsey stated"-perfect verb
"Can anyone tell me how to tell when to celebrate...?"-the two tells tripped me up a little
"Really Stephen? How interesting."-how interesting was a bit much for me
"a strident but lilting tone"-it took too much effort to imagine what that would sound like
"The class held its collective breath"-collectiveSteve is "staring off into space at what only he knew, seemingly lost to the world"-too long, too "knowing," since it might be taken as Danny's observation; the idiom "at what only he knew" is used awkwardly