[THOR] You Breathe Infinity into My World, Thor/Loki, part 1b
Part 1A
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Dinner in Downton turns into a reticent affair and only the occasional exchange of words between Sif and Sigyn accompanies the quiet clamour of the silverware. It is common for Heimdall to not speak with anyone during the rest of the dinner, but Thor’s usual liveliness seems to be absent and there is the familiar sombreness on his features and storm in his dark blue eyes that Loki had not seen during the day.
Loki’s hand tightens on his knife as he cuts through his second course of mutton haunch as he thinks of the unsatisfactory and disappointing day he had had to go through. Perhaps Thor feels as he does, explaining his misery.
“Oh, what a wonderful idea!” Sigyn unexpectedly declares and Loki snaps out of his thoughts. He looks at his fiancée, a little baffled with the sudden exclamation but soon realizes that Sif must have said something to elicit such a vigorous response.
Sigyn giggles at the look she receives from Loki and simply says, “Let’s go hunting tomorrow.”
Sif, who shares the same enthusiasm as her sister, smiles. “It’s been a while since the hounds have enjoyed a hunt. Tomorrow will be a perfect day for hunting! If Lady Luck is on our side, our dear hounds may catch a few foxes.”
“I must refuse,” Heimdall immediately interjects.
“It is alright, brother. We know that you must be present for the Conservative Men to choose the new chairman. ”
Then Sigyn turns to look at her fiancé with a grin. “Sleipnir is our most docile horse. You can have him, darling.”
Loki has to force another smile to his fiancée and it seems to him that this situation is becoming painful to endure. He wonders if Sigyn could see how unhappy he is right now and if this is another chastisement towards him for spending more time with her cousin than her for the past few days. He knows that Sigyn is not an imbecile; otherwise he would not have been attracted to her in the first place.
Something is going on…
His eyes widen as the sudden realization hits him. Sigyn is jealous. She must be displeased with the recent lack of attention from her fiancé and is committing this childish but apt ploy for Loki’s attention. He is completely and utterly offended and outraged at Sigyn’s selfishness. They would tie the knot next year and by then Sigyn would have him for the rest of her life. It is incredulous that she sought so much of him right now and Loki wonders if this is her show of possessiveness over him.
Loki has to control himself from doing something un-gentlemanly, like slamming his eating utensils on the table and yelling at her insensibility.
Thor, whose summer blue eyes only need to glance at him to breathe life into his soul, had captured him and marked every essence of Loki, and he could not let go of the fire that Thor had sparked within him. He was not going to lose Thor because of a lady with malicious emotions.
The exultant chatter between Sigyn and Sif fills the dining room. Loki wonders if Thor realizes the intent of this wicked green-eyed monster that happens to be his favourite cousin. But the worst thought that comes over Loki is that this lady is his fiancée. His intended. Loki’s future.
And abruptly, Loki finds himself questioning his engagement with Sigyn.
Loki lets his gaze wander over Thor when the golden prince orders cognac from Fandral and the excitement in the room gradually vanishes. Everyone in the room watches surreptitiously as Thor consumes his poison. Heimdall looks like he is glaring at his food, Sif cuts her mutton a little too hard and Sigyn becomes subdued as she speaks to her sister. This, however, is a familiar scene that Loki has discerned ever since the first dinner they had with Thor. Their abhorrence for his golden prince is evidently plain on their faces.
Loki thinks how vilipend they perceive Thor and how only Loki could see him in a different light and genuinely appreciates him for who he was.
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It is the middle of the night when Loki hears movement in his bedroom. His mind, though hazy from sleep, immediately warns him that an intruder is inside the room and his hand reaches instinctively for the small knife under his pillow before his eyes snap open. And just like that morning there is Thor, sitting on the sofa, though with a glass of red wine in hand in place of the book. On the coffee table is a lit candle, a bottle of Merlot and a half-eaten bar of chocolate.
Loki sits up and glares groggily at Thor. “It’s late and we shall be hunting early in the morn.”
“I shan’t go hunting. I used to love it until nine years ago. I cannot stomach anymore killing. I am uncertain if Sif has knowledge of this but Sigyn is aware of it and yet she wants to go hunting. With you, certainly! But to suggest that in which she knows I find no joy in? Such an inconsiderate woman!”
“I thought she was your favourite cousin.”
“Not anymore. She is exactly like Balder. Balder took Mother away from me. I do not care for Father though. He pushed me too hard and I despise him for that. His subjects like to call him Odin the Wise, but he is not. Odin the Wicked, that he is. And now Sigyn is taking you away from me. I am very much devoted to you, do you know that?”
Thor sips his wine and continues with a tone of sorrow, “I am very contrite that I woke you up. You look so lovely when you sleep. I shall leave you in a minute.”
“Don’t. I-” Loki leaves his bed and goes to sit on the sofa next to Thor. “If it’s any comfort to you, I’d rather like you to stay here longer. The day did not turn out so well and I still miss you... What happened nine years ago?”
There is a wistful smile on Thor’s lips. “Remember that book you were reading the first day we met? I was only twenty-two during the last year of Boer war and many had perished by then. We fought the Transvaal and the Oranje Vrijstaat. The guerrilla campaign was traumatising. Just witnessing those people dying around me gave me nightmares, even now. Most of them died of illness. There were diseases that spread all through the ranks. They were my comrades, you see; my brothers. The worst was the children that we sent to the concentration camp. Every night there were new bodies and they kept piling up. It ended up being a mass burial. I left one night and I never looked back.”
It is devastating for Loki to see the man before him. Thor is incandescently miserable with an air of darkness about him. But he is still oppressively beautiful behind that grimness. Loki wonders how such a broken man could bring him so much delight, could bring back the youth that he thought he had lost a long time ago. Nonetheless, it still does not change his affection for this golden prince. Everything that had caused pleasure and misery to Thor is what made Thor the man he is now, and Loki wants to commit this moment to his memory, so that the next time Loki is in despair, he shall never feel alone as he remembers this particular night.
Thor raises the wine glass to Loki with a rueful grin. “This gives me a great comfort.”
You never look back, but you never let go either, Loki wants to say but instead he takes the half-empty glass from Thor, fills it with more red wine until the brim and then downs the entire glass. Thor looks at him in amazement.
“You will have an awful morning after.”
“Don’t care.” Loki fills the glass again.
Thor chuckles and hands him the bar of chocolate. “You should try this dark chocolate. It goes well with the wine.”
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Thor is right. The morning after is horrendous. He has the most terrible headache and the sun is shining far too brightly for so late into summer. Bless Hogun for the hot towels. When Sigyn finds out, she is exceptionally furious and if not the fact he was suffering a massive hangover, he would have cheered merrily.
“I am very distraught, Loki. You should be ashamed of yourself. We shall talk more of this after I come back from the hunt.” Then Sigyn leaves him to his peaceful resting.
Hogun merely sighs but there is a hint of amusement in his eyes as he hands him a cup of coffee. “May I speak my mind, Your Grace?”
“Speak.”
“Mr. Selvig was mortified to find that there was three Merlot and two Burgundy wine bottle missing from the basement. Perhaps His Grace knows what happened to them?”
Loki smirks at his valet. “I was not involved with such pillaging, Hogun. However, Thor is brilliant when it comes to raiding the wine cellar. I only drink his loot.”
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During dinner Loki is surprised and annoyed to see everyone is glaring openly at Thor and not himself, as if Thor is at fault for luring him to drink. The talk that Sigyn promised to have with him happens after dinner, but it is Sif who approaches him.
Everyone, including the Earl himself, follows Sigyn to the drawing-room. In her hand is a blue hardcover entitled The Tangled Skein, which she had started reading to them three nights ago. Loki narrows his eyes at her chosen novels so far. First it was Under the Autumn Star, a tale about the woeful love of a forlorn wanderer, and now a tragic romantic tale that so far tells of jealousy, manipulation and unfulfilled desire. It is dauntingly sinister and deems like an imminent omen to Loki.
Thor is a few steps ahead of him and is already inside the room with Heimdall and Sigyn when he feels a soft hand grasp his arm firmly. Loki turns his head and narrows his eyes at Sif’s cold gaze.
“My Lady?”
“I wish to speak to you for a moment. Let’s go to the foyer, shall we? Thor will not miss your absence for a while.
Loki cannot help but notice the subtle hint of repugnance in her tone when she speaks of Thor and instinctively he glares at her as he feels defensive on Thor’s behalf.
“And what is that supposed to mean?”
Sif ignores him as she turns away. With the enormous amount of control that Loki has to hold onto, he trails behind her in a livid state until they reach the foyer to the Summer Parlour.
“You are obviously fond of my cousin, aren’t you?” Sif imposes on him immediately.
“Why, certainly! Does it matter to you?”
“It does matter to me because you are my sister’s fiancée, no matter how much I rejected the notion of you marrying her. Sigyn’s happiness is mine too and she is content with you. Why would I do something to jeopardize your relationship with Sigyn? But Thor will drag you down with him. The missing wine is clearly his fault and I cannot believe you would let yourself get involved. You must know that Thor is a disappointment to his family, especially to his father, and to his country. Don’t let yourself be ruined by him.”
“Is he a disappointment to his country because he ran away from a war that also sent children to a concentration camp? Is he a disappointment to his family because he drinks and they have no idea what kind of misery he is enduring alone? None of you wants to take the time to hear his woe and be there for him. All of you are just bloody idiots who only care for your damn tea parties and charity balls hosted by pompous bastards!” Loki yells in outrage. He has never felt so much anger in his life and he does not care that he just cursed in front of a lady that will soon be his sister-in-law. Perhaps not, he thinks, for the thought of this damn woman as his in-law, who speaks ill of Thor, is just appalling.
What truly bothers him is that he finally realizes the actual cause of Thor’s misery. And Loki grieves for him.
Disappointment to his family, to his father, and to his country.
His heart grips painfully, so he leaves Sif hastily and rushes to his room, locks the door and falls to his hands and knees. It is also at this moment of despair, without the least expecting it, that he finally understands this intriguing fascination and endless devotion for his golden prince.
Loki finds himself hopelessly and violently in love with Thor.
Part 2