Born On A Rotten Day: Aries (March 21-April 19)
Or, "This replaces any obligation I have to ever essay about Charles's personality. No, really."
Element: Fire. Aries is the dragon that lays waste to the countryside, then falls asleep, satisfied that he's burned a few small towns.
Quality: Cardinal. The only thing an Aries is qualified to lead is a chorus of kindergarteners singing the Barney song.
Symbol: The Ram. Battering ram. Ram it to you. Butt-headed.
Ruler: Mars, the god of war and barroom brawls.
Favorite Pastime: Shooting first and then asking questions later.
Favorite Book: The self-published Journal of Personal Wisdom.
Role Model: Yosemite Sam.
Dream Job: Sex therapist.
Key Phrase: Are you talking to me?
Body Part: The head, chronically aching from running into all those brick walls.
Approach With Caution
Aries, first sign of the zodiac, resides in the House of Self. Astrology textbooks describe the Ram as a charming, enthusiastic, natural-born leader who gleefully rushes through life with tremendous joie de vivre. The truth is, this bossy, egotistical motor mouth is as self-absorbed as a two-year-old, and has a me-complex the size of Texas.
In Aries, Mars gives courage, determination, energy, passion, and ambition. He also bestows temperament, ego, and impulsive action. Just like Yosemite Sam, the typical Ram barrels through life daring anyone to cross his or her path. Be unlucky enough to get in the way, and you'll suffer a red-faced temper tantrum. Jumping up and down is optional. The worst thing you can do to an Aries is ignore them, the way you would ignore a cranky toddler who's in dire need of a nap.
Aries are reactive, not reasonable. By refusing to think before they act, Rams often ruin their chances for happiness by making wild assumptions without gathering all the facts. Being born without the humility gene has negated their ability to admit mistakes. Argue with one, and you'll suffer a barrage of irrational, angry shouting. Prove they are wrong, and they will react like a toddler who says, "Am not," then shrugs his baby shoulders and walks away.
If You Love One: Aries Man
Passionate, idealistic, and sentimental, the Aries man is part hero, part child, no matter what his age. He's as friendly as a puppy, downright fearless, and rather like one of those weighted clowns that children punch. You can knock him down, but he will always bounce back. And, for as long as he loves you, he will be faithful, sexy, and attentive. If you feel weak in the knees, make sure there's a sofa handy to fall on, because by the time you've swooned, this Romeo will have moved on to his next conquest.
Aries men are in love with love. The appeal is in the art of romance and the thrill of the chase, not your charming smile.
Some astrologers compare an Aries man to a knight in shining armor. However, you are just as likely to get run down by his charging steed as scooped up in a pair of loving arms. Sir Lancelot may have been bold and honest, but he was also a royal pain in the ass, all Aries traits. His ego ruined a kingdom when, in his eagerness to run his hand up Guinevere's dress, he conveniently forgot his vow to King Arthur. In Lance's point of view he was a hero, and to an Aries man, his point of view is the only one that counts.
The Ram fears mediocrity more than death. He would rather be the biggest jerk in town than just another anonymous working slob. He is subjective, bossy, and has a caustic wit he flings with careless abandon. He takes pride in being more self-centered than Scorpio and more obtuse than Taurus. He's sure he's right. Especially when he's wrong.
Male Rams come in two types. Bold, brash and ready for action or shy, quiet, and ready for action. Don't be fooled by the shy type. He may come on all "Aw shucks" and toe shuffles, like Aries Dennis Quaid, but under that poker face, or enigmatic smile, his brain synapses are firing at 1,000 per minute, concentrating on the best way to get you into his bed in the shortest possible time.
On the door of the original Playboy Mansion in Chicago was a brass plate with the inscription Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare. If you don't swing, don't ring. Aries Hugh Hefner, the flip, hip, big daddy of hedonism, is still alive and well, and still the quintessential bad boy at seventy-six.
Remember all of this before you buy your wedding dress. After the ceremony, he will expect you to worship the ground he makes you crawl on while he declares his need for freedom. He will require you to have the house sparkling, the grass mowed, and the cars washed, all before he gets home from his latest adventure. He'll leave a trail of dirty clothes from the front door to the shower, while shouting his dinner order over his shoulder.
When he appears at the table, he'll expect you to have a gourmet's delight in one hand and his favorite cold drink in the other. And, you'd better look like you just stepped out of the pages of Vogue. This man chases the ideal. He doesn't want a real woman, with real needs. He wants the adoration of Mommy and the ethereal qualities of a fairy princess, all wrapped up in the figure of a Playboy centerfold.
He thinks he is indestructible, but he's extremely accident-prone and seldom gets through life without a few broken bones, several concussions, and a couple of totaled cars. He is restless, fidgety, and has frequent headaches.
Just as he is either brash or shy, he'll either be a spendthrift or paranoid about starving to death. You'll have to clip coupons and buy pork and beans in bulk while he plays Mr. Fix-It with the plumbing. You'll learn to sew and raise your own veggies while he attacks his latest moneymaking scheme with the same fierce energy that makes him shout at the TV and practice road rage in the church parking lot. If he's loose with cash, you'll have to work two jobs to keep the creditors off your back and a roof over your heads.
Mr. Ram communicates by temper tantrum. He will smash the glasses and put his fist through the wall one minute, then want to screw your brains out the next. And he will be genuinely surprised when you resist his ardor as you're bent over the dustpan, sweeping up shards of crystal.
Your favorite Martian will start a little war to have an excuse to slam out of the house and stay out until all hours. A Leo would announce that he's going out with the boys, and Capricorn would tell you he's working late at the office. Aries needs to rationalize his bad behavior. If you're the bitch, then he is still the hero. The Greeks christened him the Ram. You can call him Butthead.
If You Are One, Born Rotten
You are capable of soaring to any height. Sometimes by utilizing your determined Martian energy. Sometimes by hopping on the nearest broom. You play all the angles, are jealous, competitive, and totally oblivious of your own worst behavior.
You don't do laid back. Instead, you picture yourself as The Great Enlightener and spend your time haranguing the rest of us into submission. You are nearly as tactless as a Sagittarius stuffing his size-twelve foot in his mouth. At the least, you have a gift of gab that can make a Gemini cry, and at your worst, your bellicose attitude loses friends and starts family arguments.
Since your favorite topic of conversation is the endless minutiae of your personal existence, you are also a colossal bore. Of course this means little or nothing to you as long as you get to hear yourself talk. You are genuinely perplexed when rooms empty at your appearance and all y our friends get Caller ID, then refuse to answer the phone.
Your home is a combination trophy shop and arsenal. The wall next to the gun cabinet is filled with heads from your latest Bambi-shoot. The table in the corner holds a high school debate team cup and a marathon dance blue ribbon. Pictures of relatives line the hallways and the basement is stuffed with assorted military gear, World War II K-rations, and bottled water.
From the time you learned about the birds and bees (and people would be surprised at how early an age that was) until you're dead, sex is the uppermost thought in your mind. In grammar school, you played doctor. As a teen, you wore out the backseat of the family sedan. And as an adult, you forever fall in and out of love.
When you aren't filing your fingernails, you're sharpening your rapier wit on unfortunate friends or instigating family feuds. Actually, the word friend is something of a misnomer, because you usually choose people as friends in direct proportion to how they can help further your own plots and plans.
You Martians climb the social ladder as eagerly as Capricorns, but with far less finesse. You'll transparently kiss up to the most powerful person around and have the nerve not to blush with shame when you are accused of that very thing. In fact, you'll twinkle and smile, be all the more charming, and get away with the whole mess.
Aries is the sign of the sculptor, warmonger, Chippendale dancer, and the bad half of a good-cop-bad-cop team. Rams are also great athletes, freedom fighters, and bank robbers (e.g. Aries Clyde Barrow).
You were the type of child that flung open the closet door and dared any monster living there to get out of your space. You also had to get burned before you believed the stove was really hot. You still do. And therein lies your strength. You have no shame, and more nerve than a one-legged wire-walker.
You have a true warrior spirit and are relentless when fighting for a cause, or a person in whom you believe. Once you learn to truly listen to other viewpoints, and accept that you are not always right, the rest of the Universe will fall at your feet. However, in battle no other sign can match you.
Your philosophy is, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." You couldn't care less what others think. You are a supremely confident, rugged individualist who lives life on your own terms. Let the rest of the world bake cookies and tend their gardens.
Element: Fire. Aries is the dragon that lays waste to the countryside, then falls asleep, satisfied that he's burned a few small towns.
Quality: Cardinal. The only thing an Aries is qualified to lead is a chorus of kindergarteners singing the Barney song.
Symbol: The Ram. Battering ram. Ram it to you. Butt-headed.
Ruler: Mars, the god of war and barroom brawls.
Favorite Pastime: Shooting first and then asking questions later.
Favorite Book: The self-published Journal of Personal Wisdom.
Role Model: Yosemite Sam.
Dream Job: Sex therapist.
Key Phrase: Are you talking to me?
Body Part: The head, chronically aching from running into all those brick walls.
Approach With Caution
Aries, first sign of the zodiac, resides in the House of Self. Astrology textbooks describe the Ram as a charming, enthusiastic, natural-born leader who gleefully rushes through life with tremendous joie de vivre. The truth is, this bossy, egotistical motor mouth is as self-absorbed as a two-year-old, and has a me-complex the size of Texas.
In Aries, Mars gives courage, determination, energy, passion, and ambition. He also bestows temperament, ego, and impulsive action. Just like Yosemite Sam, the typical Ram barrels through life daring anyone to cross his or her path. Be unlucky enough to get in the way, and you'll suffer a red-faced temper tantrum. Jumping up and down is optional. The worst thing you can do to an Aries is ignore them, the way you would ignore a cranky toddler who's in dire need of a nap.
Aries are reactive, not reasonable. By refusing to think before they act, Rams often ruin their chances for happiness by making wild assumptions without gathering all the facts. Being born without the humility gene has negated their ability to admit mistakes. Argue with one, and you'll suffer a barrage of irrational, angry shouting. Prove they are wrong, and they will react like a toddler who says, "Am not," then shrugs his baby shoulders and walks away.
If You Love One: Aries Man
Passionate, idealistic, and sentimental, the Aries man is part hero, part child, no matter what his age. He's as friendly as a puppy, downright fearless, and rather like one of those weighted clowns that children punch. You can knock him down, but he will always bounce back. And, for as long as he loves you, he will be faithful, sexy, and attentive. If you feel weak in the knees, make sure there's a sofa handy to fall on, because by the time you've swooned, this Romeo will have moved on to his next conquest.
Aries men are in love with love. The appeal is in the art of romance and the thrill of the chase, not your charming smile.
Some astrologers compare an Aries man to a knight in shining armor. However, you are just as likely to get run down by his charging steed as scooped up in a pair of loving arms. Sir Lancelot may have been bold and honest, but he was also a royal pain in the ass, all Aries traits. His ego ruined a kingdom when, in his eagerness to run his hand up Guinevere's dress, he conveniently forgot his vow to King Arthur. In Lance's point of view he was a hero, and to an Aries man, his point of view is the only one that counts.
The Ram fears mediocrity more than death. He would rather be the biggest jerk in town than just another anonymous working slob. He is subjective, bossy, and has a caustic wit he flings with careless abandon. He takes pride in being more self-centered than Scorpio and more obtuse than Taurus. He's sure he's right. Especially when he's wrong.
Male Rams come in two types. Bold, brash and ready for action or shy, quiet, and ready for action. Don't be fooled by the shy type. He may come on all "Aw shucks" and toe shuffles, like Aries Dennis Quaid, but under that poker face, or enigmatic smile, his brain synapses are firing at 1,000 per minute, concentrating on the best way to get you into his bed in the shortest possible time.
On the door of the original Playboy Mansion in Chicago was a brass plate with the inscription Si Non Oscillas, Noli Tintinnare. If you don't swing, don't ring. Aries Hugh Hefner, the flip, hip, big daddy of hedonism, is still alive and well, and still the quintessential bad boy at seventy-six.
Remember all of this before you buy your wedding dress. After the ceremony, he will expect you to worship the ground he makes you crawl on while he declares his need for freedom. He will require you to have the house sparkling, the grass mowed, and the cars washed, all before he gets home from his latest adventure. He'll leave a trail of dirty clothes from the front door to the shower, while shouting his dinner order over his shoulder.
When he appears at the table, he'll expect you to have a gourmet's delight in one hand and his favorite cold drink in the other. And, you'd better look like you just stepped out of the pages of Vogue. This man chases the ideal. He doesn't want a real woman, with real needs. He wants the adoration of Mommy and the ethereal qualities of a fairy princess, all wrapped up in the figure of a Playboy centerfold.
He thinks he is indestructible, but he's extremely accident-prone and seldom gets through life without a few broken bones, several concussions, and a couple of totaled cars. He is restless, fidgety, and has frequent headaches.
Just as he is either brash or shy, he'll either be a spendthrift or paranoid about starving to death. You'll have to clip coupons and buy pork and beans in bulk while he plays Mr. Fix-It with the plumbing. You'll learn to sew and raise your own veggies while he attacks his latest moneymaking scheme with the same fierce energy that makes him shout at the TV and practice road rage in the church parking lot. If he's loose with cash, you'll have to work two jobs to keep the creditors off your back and a roof over your heads.
Mr. Ram communicates by temper tantrum. He will smash the glasses and put his fist through the wall one minute, then want to screw your brains out the next. And he will be genuinely surprised when you resist his ardor as you're bent over the dustpan, sweeping up shards of crystal.
Your favorite Martian will start a little war to have an excuse to slam out of the house and stay out until all hours. A Leo would announce that he's going out with the boys, and Capricorn would tell you he's working late at the office. Aries needs to rationalize his bad behavior. If you're the bitch, then he is still the hero. The Greeks christened him the Ram. You can call him Butthead.
If You Are One, Born Rotten
You are capable of soaring to any height. Sometimes by utilizing your determined Martian energy. Sometimes by hopping on the nearest broom. You play all the angles, are jealous, competitive, and totally oblivious of your own worst behavior.
You don't do laid back. Instead, you picture yourself as The Great Enlightener and spend your time haranguing the rest of us into submission. You are nearly as tactless as a Sagittarius stuffing his size-twelve foot in his mouth. At the least, you have a gift of gab that can make a Gemini cry, and at your worst, your bellicose attitude loses friends and starts family arguments.
Since your favorite topic of conversation is the endless minutiae of your personal existence, you are also a colossal bore. Of course this means little or nothing to you as long as you get to hear yourself talk. You are genuinely perplexed when rooms empty at your appearance and all y our friends get Caller ID, then refuse to answer the phone.
Your home is a combination trophy shop and arsenal. The wall next to the gun cabinet is filled with heads from your latest Bambi-shoot. The table in the corner holds a high school debate team cup and a marathon dance blue ribbon. Pictures of relatives line the hallways and the basement is stuffed with assorted military gear, World War II K-rations, and bottled water.
From the time you learned about the birds and bees (and people would be surprised at how early an age that was) until you're dead, sex is the uppermost thought in your mind. In grammar school, you played doctor. As a teen, you wore out the backseat of the family sedan. And as an adult, you forever fall in and out of love.
When you aren't filing your fingernails, you're sharpening your rapier wit on unfortunate friends or instigating family feuds. Actually, the word friend is something of a misnomer, because you usually choose people as friends in direct proportion to how they can help further your own plots and plans.
You Martians climb the social ladder as eagerly as Capricorns, but with far less finesse. You'll transparently kiss up to the most powerful person around and have the nerve not to blush with shame when you are accused of that very thing. In fact, you'll twinkle and smile, be all the more charming, and get away with the whole mess.
Aries is the sign of the sculptor, warmonger, Chippendale dancer, and the bad half of a good-cop-bad-cop team. Rams are also great athletes, freedom fighters, and bank robbers (e.g. Aries Clyde Barrow).
You were the type of child that flung open the closet door and dared any monster living there to get out of your space. You also had to get burned before you believed the stove was really hot. You still do. And therein lies your strength. You have no shame, and more nerve than a one-legged wire-walker.
You have a true warrior spirit and are relentless when fighting for a cause, or a person in whom you believe. Once you learn to truly listen to other viewpoints, and accept that you are not always right, the rest of the Universe will fall at your feet. However, in battle no other sign can match you.
Your philosophy is, "Nothing ventured, nothing gained." You couldn't care less what others think. You are a supremely confident, rugged individualist who lives life on your own terms. Let the rest of the world bake cookies and tend their gardens.