August Submission

[aerlyn]

Month: August 2006
Title: untitled (suggestions, please!)
Genre: Shojo Sci-Fi
Length: 2064 words
Notes: Sorry, this was a bit shorter than I originally thought. Well, I'll just have to challenge myself to post a longer chapter for September! Hopefully I'll be more used to the girly-character voice by then.

Please critique this to your heart's

Comments

[kiawna]

I always liked Sci-fi shows. Yaay for a Sci-fi fic. ^^ Okay, I could have read more Sci-fi, I just chose not too. Lol

*giggles* Everytime I see 'starship' or something like that, I think of Star Trek: TNG captains log. *dork to the extreme*

But none of that matters. I like this so far. I like Carlana. XD "You're an asshole, Rory, sir." *snickers*

I'm not much for giving critism. And I honestly can't think of any. Good start. ^^

[pepperidge]

The story itself is off to a good start, and I need a good space opera! You seem to have made a pretty good balance between "cute and fluffy" and "serious military", even though not a lot has really happened so far. The detail with the military stuff is impressive, and I hope it carries on through the story!

A major problem, though, is that this reads almost like a script. I just don't get the feeling of the kind of story that's supposed to be read as a text, and the way it progresses is kind of uneven. Sort of like you just pasted the text from a shoujo manga into a novel and put some vague descriptions inbetween. Just tighten the writing style a bit, and you should be set.