and i don't feel a thing except your hand in mine (tell me nothing will ruin us) part two
eta: major props to erika for telling me that reaching a post word limit was exciting, when i was upset about having to respace this half. i probably would have gone crazy if not for that. or at least bitched and moaned a lot more
.
~
coming back to school on monday was surreal, to say the least. everyone seemed to know what had happened at the prom, but it wasn't that people were talking about sean and tom and what they had done -- it was that they weren't. perhaps they’d hoped the boys’ bravery could be ignored or dismissed, as all “discomforts” could. maybe they didn’t want to take a hard look at themselves and realize their world-view needed to be adjusted; that social “rules” only applied when you gave them power. and then, of course, there was the prom queen and some suspended prom-goers to discuss --their news had gotten shoved at the bottom of the list.
there had been a small but definite change in the air. even walking down the hallway was different --instead of elbowing past people, the crowd just seemed to part for them. once again, as if no one wanted to get too close. they had made people uncomfortable, it seemed; every conversation, no matter how minute, was punctuated with dropped eyes and awkward pauses.
but still, they had won. they had gone through with it. they had attended the dance, slashing unspoken rules to ribbons, and lived to tell the tale. and there was a kind of pride in that. it was what kept their hands grasped among scrutinizing eyes, what kept their chins up when others' were fixated on the floor. they were still together, and that was what mattered, more than anything else.
~
the last thing tom had been expecting was to get a call from sean’s brother. they disagreed on most topics and david had said on more than one occasion that tom could not play the guitar very well. still, tom answered anyway, more out of a morbid curiosity than anything else.
when tom heard the first words, “something’s happened to sean,” his first reflex had been to drop the phone; on the contrary, he grabbed it tighter. “he’s at lutheran, some guys beat him up after school. he looks pretty banged up.”
tom didn’t hear anything else david was saying, seeing black and then red. red like ambulance lights. red like stoplights and warning signs. red like blood. tom’s instinct took over, then, because his brain seemed unable to process this new information. he jumped on his bike with speed he didn’t know he had.
tom didn’t have the time to wonder how he actually made it up to sean’s room considering the visiting hours had already ended. tom reined himself in as he approached the room, using all of his self-control not to just barge in. the door was ajar and tom knocked before he stepped in; sean was in the bed closest to the wall, the other bed empty but rumpled.
it took a while for tom to take all of sean in --he felt like he was unable to see it all at once -- and when he did, he felt like he was the one who’d been punched in the stomach. sean had a bandage above one eye; the other was blackened, the skin around it a purple that made tom’s stomach hurt. there was another bandage over the bridge of his nose and as he offered half a smile to tom in greeting, tom could see that sean’s bottom lip was swollen in a way that looked painful. sean had the covers pulled up to his chest but on everything tom could see, the bruises were already starting to show. to put it mildly, sean looked like he’d fallen down many flights of stairs.
if sean had had both good eyes, he might have seen steam coming out of tom’s ears. even so, he knew that tom, well, tom looked pretty close to murderous. tom had just put the words “tear” and “limb from limb” together in his head when sean motioned at him for water. tom softened. after getting the cup down, sean spoke.
“count to seven backwards. then do it again. and don’t stop until you feel better." this was something he and tom practiced a lot. tom did several cycles but felt his anger flare up again when he saw sean grimace as he tried to sit up. it had made his fractured ribs hurt and since everything made them hurt, tom would come to recognize that look.
“breathe it out, come on, i know you can. don’t let it get you.”
tom asked, “what happened?”, when what he really wanted to ask was, “who did this to you?”
~
mrs. petersburg was the one who found him. mrs. petersburg was the art teacher, a soft lady of surprising strength and passion, as displayed by her artwork. she carried the smell of caramel and sweetness around with her, due to the werthers she kept in her apron and snuck when she thought no one was looking. food in class was frowned upon, for teachers and students alike; mrs. petersbug gleefully bent that rule. she shared her sweets with her students, distributing them to the artist she thought had made the most creative progress that day, really worked hard and accomplished something. but she was also known to give you one if you were just having a bad day and looked like you needed it. it was no secret that tom was her favourite student.
sean had stayed late after school to tutor a freshman, and as he was walking off school grounds, four guys cornered him. they were big guys, big enough that they blocked out even the fiery setting sun and for a minute sean through they wanted to mug him. they started to get aggressive, pushing and kicking, throwing punches and calling him names. sean was a crumpled mess when mrs. petersburg found them; she said she was going to call the police and they scattered, but not quickly enough. she saw their faces and committed them to memory.
while sean hadn’t been able to see her expression, he imagined her eyes were blazing and her mouth set defiantly. her voice had been a disdainful bark, somewhat alarmed; a foreign tone for her. she helped sean get up and into her car and picked up his things. after she sat him upright, floating in and out of consciousness, she called the police, her voice shaking in fury and confusion. just a moment before that, she’d pushed his hair back from his face and made a sympathetic noise, tsk-tsking and thinking, someone hurt tom’s boy. she called his parents, told them what’d happened, and asked them for permission to take him to the hospital because it would be quicker that way.
~
part of tom’s brain understood what sean was telling him, but the initial confusion still lingered, with a vengeance. why would someone want to hurt sean?
he could understand why someone might want to rough him up; he could be pretty belligerent when he wanted to be, but sean. not sean.
“hospitalizing the guys is not going to make you feel better, tom.”
tom mumbled something that sounded like, “that’s what you think,” but when sean insisted that it wouldn’ t solve anything, tom didn’t have a comment.
“they were just ignorant and stupid -- ”
“yeah, they’d have to be really stupid to mess up a pretty face like yours.”
“they thought they could change me by doing what they did. but guess what. it didn’t work. you need to trust that they will get what’s coming to them,” sean said patiently; he knew exactly how tom felt, and rightfully so.
“a concussion?”
sean bit back a laugh.
“you know what i mean, tom. justice. a punishment. some thing. you’d be getting in the way of the cosmic plan. fate has it all figured out, you don’t need to get involved, okay?” tom placed his hand over sean’s, eyes still downcast. some time passed, quietly.
“did you fight back?” tom asked, meeting sean’s eyes, tired and blue. sean shook his head once.
“i didn’t, no,” sean replied. “and that’s what i’m trying to tell you. i didn’t fight them because i knew it wouldn’t help any. four against one, no way. sometimes you need to just let things happen how they’re going to happen.”
“all right, i’ll do it for you. but for no other reason.”
even now, tom maintained some measure of defiance, and that was comforting to sean, that some things never did change.
“that’s all i can ask. i know it’s hard, it is.”
“you need me to bring you anything?”
“my mom’s going to come in the morning and she’ll probably bring the entire house. she’s kind of shaken up.”
“need your pillows fluffed?”
“nah, i’ve got a nurse who does that." sean shrugged boyishly. “but a kiss would be nice.”
“tell me where it doesn’t hurt." sean touched the top of his head. tom laid a kiss there, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t see the lump that had risen from when sean had been knocked down.
“how do you feel about this -- whole -- thing?” tom asked as he sat back down, thinking that the hospital must have gotten its chairs from the same place the schools and doctors’ offices did.
“i don’t know. i really just want to sleep. will you stay with me?” sean asked, knowing the answer would be yes. tom stayed until he thought he would fall asleep too. he left then only because sleeping in a chair was always uncomfortable, and he’d need all of his strength to get through tomorrow.
~
sean wasn’t there the following day, so it went by in a blur that tom could barely recall. as much as he tried to act like things hadn’t changed, like he could go through the academic motions with his friends still around him, he wasn’t able to deny the gravity, the heaviness. sean’s empty seat in class, his pace not matching tom’s in the rush of the moments between classes. everything, every damn thing reminding him of why sean was not there. he felt one step off, as if he’d woken up missing something vital like one of his senses, and was trying to figure out how to adjust to life without it.
things were odd, like they had been after prom --the only difference being that sean wasn’t beside him. sean wasn’t there to deflect the stares that stung like prickles, wasn’t there for him to lean on, to commiserate with. and unlike monday, people were talking. it was gossip, it was news, and as in any school, rumours were flying. tom didn’t settle anything, just tried to ignore everyone as best as he could. people looked at him for too long, trying to fit his face with his name, and all they had heard in the past few days. he didn’t need their pity, which they seemed to be throwing around like they had it to spare. he didn’t want it and tried to shrug it off; it was hard, though, when he was facing it alone, his usual defenses weak.
~
“i can’t believe you don’t know how to tie a tie,” tom said, watching sean experiment with what seemed like an array of sailor’s knots.
sean rolled his eyes.
“will you just do it?”
“c’mere,” tom had gone to catholic school for eight years, so to him, it was something that once it had been learned, was never to be forgotten. sean, however, had worn a suit approximately three times before in his life, and was out of practice. way out of practice.
“i don’t know how you’re going to function in society, dude, if you don’t know how to tie a tie. i’m not always going to be there to do it for you.”
“leave me alone, man, i’m going to be a writer. i’m going to sit around in sweats and never shave and no one is going to be allowed to say anything about how i dress.”
“boys, time to go!” tom’s mother called from downstairs, jangling her keys for emphasis.
“so close, and yet so far away...” tom muttered, referring to the conversation they’d had as they’d gotten ready, about “the road ahead” and about actually being treated like they were somewhat adults, as college students sounded so much better than high-school students.
“my mom will be calling me cookie until i’m eighty, i swear,” sean said, shaking his head.
graduation day had come, and tom had been ready for it for years. he was almost excited to leave, ready for responsibility and voting and that scary word -- adulthood. there was apprehension, too, as with any change, but it was overwhelmed by the prospect of procuring an apartment. by himself.
neither of them was too worried about being apart; cars, technology would make the distance easier. it was strange, yes, but not impossible. it wouldn’t last forever.
sean was happy about leaving certain things but wanted to take others with him: that feeling of being part of something while on the baseball team, his favourite coffeehouse with the best irish coffee in the world. his school, which had undeniably shaped him, much as it hadn’t been perfect. he faced the change with resolute uncertainty, knowing there was still the summer to enjoy everything.
sean’s injury had been a wake-up call to his parents. no longer could they pretend that sean had been attacked for something innocuous; it was a hate crime, unambiguous. the boys involved had gotten in trouble, had it tacked onto their records, hours of community service to fulfill. sean’s father expressed an interest in being “there” for sean, in a way he hadn’t before. and sean’s mom stopped pretending not to hear sean when he talked about tom; even asked, sometimes. it didn’t make up for the past years, but it seemed to set the way for a better future.
~
after the ceremony, to escape the stifling air, they went outside. though the sun was out and there was a breeze, most of the other students had decided to suffer inside. as they walked around the grounds, there was this odd feeling like they were being watched, but when they’d looked, there was no one visible. finally, she showed herself, getting up the nerve to tap sean on the shoulder. she was a head shorter than them, wearing jeans underneath her dress; tom would have bet she'd rather have left the dress at home. in her hands she clutched the cardigan that it'd gotten too hot to wear, and it took her a few seconds to find her voice. after looking up at them from under bangs that practically concealed her eyes,
she spoke.
"hi." she half-smiled, shy. she'd been staring at them like she wanted to pinch herself to ensure she wasn't dreaming. “i'm amber smith's sister?"
sean looked puzzled but tom nodded in recognition.
"yeah? i had chem with her when i was a sophomore." amber's sister looked like tom had relieved her of a burden. "you're spencer, right?"
her eyes went wide with surprise, and her cheeks flushed a little --though why she was so pleased, tom could only imagine. spencer bobbed her head.
the name wasn't the only thing tom recognized. amber smith was one of those girls who always looked impeccable, so it seemed like everything else in her life went just as smoothly, fell right into place. her clothes were always clean and in style; they'd never known spilled mustard, much less a baseball diamond. she never surrendered her hair to a ponytail; she would probably have feigned ill sooner than have left the house without perfect makeup. she was in all honors classes, as well.
"as you probably know, amber...she's kind of perfect. she's like my parents' model child or something, it’s like they think she can do no wrong. so by default, i -- i, i'm kind of the screwed up one, right? it's like nothing i do is good enough. i'm always in her shadow."
tom could picture this: the few times he'd seen the sisters together, amber behaved like she had a spotlight trained on her, leaving spencer in the wings. suddenly, spencer shook her head like she was trying to clear it of cobwebs.
"sorry. that's not what i wanted to say." she studied her feet for a few seconds before looking back up. "i heard what you guys did, you --you went to prom together, that's amazing." it was clear that spencer was trying to keep her voice level, but upon saying this, she couldn’t help but gush. "it really hit me, hearing about it, because, well. i think i like girls. i have, for a while, and i haven't told anyone. i'm scared, i'm really scared to tell my parents. i feel like because of it, they won't love me. as much,” spencer added quickly. "but what you guys did, that was so brave. i feel like you've almost cleared the way for me. you've made it a little less taboo. you told your parents, and you both survived. i think i can too."
all they could do was stare at her, incredulous. words piled up in tom’s head, things that his brain frantically tried to communicate to his mouth, but to no success. that she would be okay. that her parents would come around. that being different was never easy, no matter how easy it looked.
sean wasn’t doing any better. while he was not wearing tom’s fish-like look of shock, he’d paled, mouth slightly ajar. spencer saved them, open and earnest.
"it's okay, you don't need to say anything. you've done enough." before this could sink in, a slight girl appeared, breathless.
“hey,” she stood behind them, long thin fingers on skinny hips. “i’ve been looking everywhere for you.” she had the same short haircut as spencer (possibly a diy), and the black dress she wore buttoned to the throat. a white smile took hold of spencer’s face, directed at the other girl. and without words, it all became clear.
“i'll see you around?"
tom managed a nod, and sean a wave.
sean was unsure if he’d imagined it, but he thought they might have been holding hands as they walked away, turning into dots in the distance.
~
the summer passed in a blur, as tom had predicted it would. sean went away with his family, like his mother insisted, because it was technically his last summer home. tom went back to his parks and rec job, which got increasingly more boring every day, even though he was with nick. sean suggested that tom bike ride at night to burn off some energy and “keep him out of trouble.” sean was concerned that tom’s restlessness would lead him to more ill-advised piercings, seeing as he’d gotten his ears done and had decided a week later that he didn’t like them, plus his nose, which he had kept. or maybe even tattoos, which made sean’s stomach turn, due to his phobia of needles. ( “there is a needle! going in and out! of your arm! and you are allowing that to happen! willingly!")
tom thought the prospect of “trouble” was unlikely, really, but sometimes sean seemed to know him better than himself, so he took sean’s word for it. he rode sometimes with jon who humored his desire for silence -- just the hum of the tires on the deserted streets, the symphony of the cicadas, the wind rushing past them not cold but exhilarating.
“it’s unbelievable. i can’t believe i didn’t do this in high school, it would have been amazing.”
“no, tomrad, you’d have gotten into a lot less fights, but you would have done a lot less homework.” sean said knowingly.
when sean got back, they spent time together, alone and with their crew, messing around with instruments and charcoal and the 35mm camera tom had gotten from his dad for graduation.
“aw, dude, stop,” sean laughed and covered his face with his hands. “you don’t want to waste all your film on me, do you?”
“okay,” tom agreed, even though that was exactly what he planned on doing. and, ten minutes later, sean’s attention was drawn back to the click of tom’s shutter. it wasn’t as quiet as he’d hoped.
“do what you must, but don’t blame me when you get your film developed and it’s twenty-eight pictures of my face -- ”
tom opened his mouth as if to object.
“ -- oh, i’m sorry, my face and my fingernails and my feet and my nose and my ears and this part of my face right here ,” sean laughed as he pointed it out.
“you run a tough bargain, van vleet.”
sean stuck out his tongue, and tom took a picture of that, too.
.
~
coming back to school on monday was surreal, to say the least. everyone seemed to know what had happened at the prom, but it wasn't that people were talking about sean and tom and what they had done -- it was that they weren't. perhaps they’d hoped the boys’ bravery could be ignored or dismissed, as all “discomforts” could. maybe they didn’t want to take a hard look at themselves and realize their world-view needed to be adjusted; that social “rules” only applied when you gave them power. and then, of course, there was the prom queen and some suspended prom-goers to discuss --their news had gotten shoved at the bottom of the list.
there had been a small but definite change in the air. even walking down the hallway was different --instead of elbowing past people, the crowd just seemed to part for them. once again, as if no one wanted to get too close. they had made people uncomfortable, it seemed; every conversation, no matter how minute, was punctuated with dropped eyes and awkward pauses.
but still, they had won. they had gone through with it. they had attended the dance, slashing unspoken rules to ribbons, and lived to tell the tale. and there was a kind of pride in that. it was what kept their hands grasped among scrutinizing eyes, what kept their chins up when others' were fixated on the floor. they were still together, and that was what mattered, more than anything else.
~
the last thing tom had been expecting was to get a call from sean’s brother. they disagreed on most topics and david had said on more than one occasion that tom could not play the guitar very well. still, tom answered anyway, more out of a morbid curiosity than anything else.
when tom heard the first words, “something’s happened to sean,” his first reflex had been to drop the phone; on the contrary, he grabbed it tighter. “he’s at lutheran, some guys beat him up after school. he looks pretty banged up.”
tom didn’t hear anything else david was saying, seeing black and then red. red like ambulance lights. red like stoplights and warning signs. red like blood. tom’s instinct took over, then, because his brain seemed unable to process this new information. he jumped on his bike with speed he didn’t know he had.
tom didn’t have the time to wonder how he actually made it up to sean’s room considering the visiting hours had already ended. tom reined himself in as he approached the room, using all of his self-control not to just barge in. the door was ajar and tom knocked before he stepped in; sean was in the bed closest to the wall, the other bed empty but rumpled.
it took a while for tom to take all of sean in --he felt like he was unable to see it all at once -- and when he did, he felt like he was the one who’d been punched in the stomach. sean had a bandage above one eye; the other was blackened, the skin around it a purple that made tom’s stomach hurt. there was another bandage over the bridge of his nose and as he offered half a smile to tom in greeting, tom could see that sean’s bottom lip was swollen in a way that looked painful. sean had the covers pulled up to his chest but on everything tom could see, the bruises were already starting to show. to put it mildly, sean looked like he’d fallen down many flights of stairs.
if sean had had both good eyes, he might have seen steam coming out of tom’s ears. even so, he knew that tom, well, tom looked pretty close to murderous. tom had just put the words “tear” and “limb from limb” together in his head when sean motioned at him for water. tom softened. after getting the cup down, sean spoke.
“count to seven backwards. then do it again. and don’t stop until you feel better." this was something he and tom practiced a lot. tom did several cycles but felt his anger flare up again when he saw sean grimace as he tried to sit up. it had made his fractured ribs hurt and since everything made them hurt, tom would come to recognize that look.
“breathe it out, come on, i know you can. don’t let it get you.”
tom asked, “what happened?”, when what he really wanted to ask was, “who did this to you?”
~
mrs. petersburg was the one who found him. mrs. petersburg was the art teacher, a soft lady of surprising strength and passion, as displayed by her artwork. she carried the smell of caramel and sweetness around with her, due to the werthers she kept in her apron and snuck when she thought no one was looking. food in class was frowned upon, for teachers and students alike; mrs. petersbug gleefully bent that rule. she shared her sweets with her students, distributing them to the artist she thought had made the most creative progress that day, really worked hard and accomplished something. but she was also known to give you one if you were just having a bad day and looked like you needed it. it was no secret that tom was her favourite student.
sean had stayed late after school to tutor a freshman, and as he was walking off school grounds, four guys cornered him. they were big guys, big enough that they blocked out even the fiery setting sun and for a minute sean through they wanted to mug him. they started to get aggressive, pushing and kicking, throwing punches and calling him names. sean was a crumpled mess when mrs. petersburg found them; she said she was going to call the police and they scattered, but not quickly enough. she saw their faces and committed them to memory.
while sean hadn’t been able to see her expression, he imagined her eyes were blazing and her mouth set defiantly. her voice had been a disdainful bark, somewhat alarmed; a foreign tone for her. she helped sean get up and into her car and picked up his things. after she sat him upright, floating in and out of consciousness, she called the police, her voice shaking in fury and confusion. just a moment before that, she’d pushed his hair back from his face and made a sympathetic noise, tsk-tsking and thinking, someone hurt tom’s boy. she called his parents, told them what’d happened, and asked them for permission to take him to the hospital because it would be quicker that way.
~
part of tom’s brain understood what sean was telling him, but the initial confusion still lingered, with a vengeance. why would someone want to hurt sean?
he could understand why someone might want to rough him up; he could be pretty belligerent when he wanted to be, but sean. not sean.
“hospitalizing the guys is not going to make you feel better, tom.”
tom mumbled something that sounded like, “that’s what you think,” but when sean insisted that it wouldn’ t solve anything, tom didn’t have a comment.
“they were just ignorant and stupid -- ”
“yeah, they’d have to be really stupid to mess up a pretty face like yours.”
“they thought they could change me by doing what they did. but guess what. it didn’t work. you need to trust that they will get what’s coming to them,” sean said patiently; he knew exactly how tom felt, and rightfully so.
“a concussion?”
sean bit back a laugh.
“you know what i mean, tom. justice. a punishment. some thing. you’d be getting in the way of the cosmic plan. fate has it all figured out, you don’t need to get involved, okay?” tom placed his hand over sean’s, eyes still downcast. some time passed, quietly.
“did you fight back?” tom asked, meeting sean’s eyes, tired and blue. sean shook his head once.
“i didn’t, no,” sean replied. “and that’s what i’m trying to tell you. i didn’t fight them because i knew it wouldn’t help any. four against one, no way. sometimes you need to just let things happen how they’re going to happen.”
“all right, i’ll do it for you. but for no other reason.”
even now, tom maintained some measure of defiance, and that was comforting to sean, that some things never did change.
“that’s all i can ask. i know it’s hard, it is.”
“you need me to bring you anything?”
“my mom’s going to come in the morning and she’ll probably bring the entire house. she’s kind of shaken up.”
“need your pillows fluffed?”
“nah, i’ve got a nurse who does that." sean shrugged boyishly. “but a kiss would be nice.”
“tell me where it doesn’t hurt." sean touched the top of his head. tom laid a kiss there, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t see the lump that had risen from when sean had been knocked down.
“how do you feel about this -- whole -- thing?” tom asked as he sat back down, thinking that the hospital must have gotten its chairs from the same place the schools and doctors’ offices did.
“i don’t know. i really just want to sleep. will you stay with me?” sean asked, knowing the answer would be yes. tom stayed until he thought he would fall asleep too. he left then only because sleeping in a chair was always uncomfortable, and he’d need all of his strength to get through tomorrow.
~
sean wasn’t there the following day, so it went by in a blur that tom could barely recall. as much as he tried to act like things hadn’t changed, like he could go through the academic motions with his friends still around him, he wasn’t able to deny the gravity, the heaviness. sean’s empty seat in class, his pace not matching tom’s in the rush of the moments between classes. everything, every damn thing reminding him of why sean was not there. he felt one step off, as if he’d woken up missing something vital like one of his senses, and was trying to figure out how to adjust to life without it.
things were odd, like they had been after prom --the only difference being that sean wasn’t beside him. sean wasn’t there to deflect the stares that stung like prickles, wasn’t there for him to lean on, to commiserate with. and unlike monday, people were talking. it was gossip, it was news, and as in any school, rumours were flying. tom didn’t settle anything, just tried to ignore everyone as best as he could. people looked at him for too long, trying to fit his face with his name, and all they had heard in the past few days. he didn’t need their pity, which they seemed to be throwing around like they had it to spare. he didn’t want it and tried to shrug it off; it was hard, though, when he was facing it alone, his usual defenses weak.
~
“i can’t believe you don’t know how to tie a tie,” tom said, watching sean experiment with what seemed like an array of sailor’s knots.
sean rolled his eyes.
“will you just do it?”
“c’mere,” tom had gone to catholic school for eight years, so to him, it was something that once it had been learned, was never to be forgotten. sean, however, had worn a suit approximately three times before in his life, and was out of practice. way out of practice.
“i don’t know how you’re going to function in society, dude, if you don’t know how to tie a tie. i’m not always going to be there to do it for you.”
“leave me alone, man, i’m going to be a writer. i’m going to sit around in sweats and never shave and no one is going to be allowed to say anything about how i dress.”
“boys, time to go!” tom’s mother called from downstairs, jangling her keys for emphasis.
“so close, and yet so far away...” tom muttered, referring to the conversation they’d had as they’d gotten ready, about “the road ahead” and about actually being treated like they were somewhat adults, as college students sounded so much better than high-school students.
“my mom will be calling me cookie until i’m eighty, i swear,” sean said, shaking his head.
graduation day had come, and tom had been ready for it for years. he was almost excited to leave, ready for responsibility and voting and that scary word -- adulthood. there was apprehension, too, as with any change, but it was overwhelmed by the prospect of procuring an apartment. by himself.
neither of them was too worried about being apart; cars, technology would make the distance easier. it was strange, yes, but not impossible. it wouldn’t last forever.
sean was happy about leaving certain things but wanted to take others with him: that feeling of being part of something while on the baseball team, his favourite coffeehouse with the best irish coffee in the world. his school, which had undeniably shaped him, much as it hadn’t been perfect. he faced the change with resolute uncertainty, knowing there was still the summer to enjoy everything.
sean’s injury had been a wake-up call to his parents. no longer could they pretend that sean had been attacked for something innocuous; it was a hate crime, unambiguous. the boys involved had gotten in trouble, had it tacked onto their records, hours of community service to fulfill. sean’s father expressed an interest in being “there” for sean, in a way he hadn’t before. and sean’s mom stopped pretending not to hear sean when he talked about tom; even asked, sometimes. it didn’t make up for the past years, but it seemed to set the way for a better future.
~
after the ceremony, to escape the stifling air, they went outside. though the sun was out and there was a breeze, most of the other students had decided to suffer inside. as they walked around the grounds, there was this odd feeling like they were being watched, but when they’d looked, there was no one visible. finally, she showed herself, getting up the nerve to tap sean on the shoulder. she was a head shorter than them, wearing jeans underneath her dress; tom would have bet she'd rather have left the dress at home. in her hands she clutched the cardigan that it'd gotten too hot to wear, and it took her a few seconds to find her voice. after looking up at them from under bangs that practically concealed her eyes,
she spoke.
"hi." she half-smiled, shy. she'd been staring at them like she wanted to pinch herself to ensure she wasn't dreaming. “i'm amber smith's sister?"
sean looked puzzled but tom nodded in recognition.
"yeah? i had chem with her when i was a sophomore." amber's sister looked like tom had relieved her of a burden. "you're spencer, right?"
her eyes went wide with surprise, and her cheeks flushed a little --though why she was so pleased, tom could only imagine. spencer bobbed her head.
the name wasn't the only thing tom recognized. amber smith was one of those girls who always looked impeccable, so it seemed like everything else in her life went just as smoothly, fell right into place. her clothes were always clean and in style; they'd never known spilled mustard, much less a baseball diamond. she never surrendered her hair to a ponytail; she would probably have feigned ill sooner than have left the house without perfect makeup. she was in all honors classes, as well.
"as you probably know, amber...she's kind of perfect. she's like my parents' model child or something, it’s like they think she can do no wrong. so by default, i -- i, i'm kind of the screwed up one, right? it's like nothing i do is good enough. i'm always in her shadow."
tom could picture this: the few times he'd seen the sisters together, amber behaved like she had a spotlight trained on her, leaving spencer in the wings. suddenly, spencer shook her head like she was trying to clear it of cobwebs.
"sorry. that's not what i wanted to say." she studied her feet for a few seconds before looking back up. "i heard what you guys did, you --you went to prom together, that's amazing." it was clear that spencer was trying to keep her voice level, but upon saying this, she couldn’t help but gush. "it really hit me, hearing about it, because, well. i think i like girls. i have, for a while, and i haven't told anyone. i'm scared, i'm really scared to tell my parents. i feel like because of it, they won't love me. as much,” spencer added quickly. "but what you guys did, that was so brave. i feel like you've almost cleared the way for me. you've made it a little less taboo. you told your parents, and you both survived. i think i can too."
all they could do was stare at her, incredulous. words piled up in tom’s head, things that his brain frantically tried to communicate to his mouth, but to no success. that she would be okay. that her parents would come around. that being different was never easy, no matter how easy it looked.
sean wasn’t doing any better. while he was not wearing tom’s fish-like look of shock, he’d paled, mouth slightly ajar. spencer saved them, open and earnest.
"it's okay, you don't need to say anything. you've done enough." before this could sink in, a slight girl appeared, breathless.
“hey,” she stood behind them, long thin fingers on skinny hips. “i’ve been looking everywhere for you.” she had the same short haircut as spencer (possibly a diy), and the black dress she wore buttoned to the throat. a white smile took hold of spencer’s face, directed at the other girl. and without words, it all became clear.
“i'll see you around?"
tom managed a nod, and sean a wave.
sean was unsure if he’d imagined it, but he thought they might have been holding hands as they walked away, turning into dots in the distance.
~
the summer passed in a blur, as tom had predicted it would. sean went away with his family, like his mother insisted, because it was technically his last summer home. tom went back to his parks and rec job, which got increasingly more boring every day, even though he was with nick. sean suggested that tom bike ride at night to burn off some energy and “keep him out of trouble.” sean was concerned that tom’s restlessness would lead him to more ill-advised piercings, seeing as he’d gotten his ears done and had decided a week later that he didn’t like them, plus his nose, which he had kept. or maybe even tattoos, which made sean’s stomach turn, due to his phobia of needles. ( “there is a needle! going in and out! of your arm! and you are allowing that to happen! willingly!")
tom thought the prospect of “trouble” was unlikely, really, but sometimes sean seemed to know him better than himself, so he took sean’s word for it. he rode sometimes with jon who humored his desire for silence -- just the hum of the tires on the deserted streets, the symphony of the cicadas, the wind rushing past them not cold but exhilarating.
“it’s unbelievable. i can’t believe i didn’t do this in high school, it would have been amazing.”
“no, tomrad, you’d have gotten into a lot less fights, but you would have done a lot less homework.” sean said knowingly.
when sean got back, they spent time together, alone and with their crew, messing around with instruments and charcoal and the 35mm camera tom had gotten from his dad for graduation.
“aw, dude, stop,” sean laughed and covered his face with his hands. “you don’t want to waste all your film on me, do you?”
“okay,” tom agreed, even though that was exactly what he planned on doing. and, ten minutes later, sean’s attention was drawn back to the click of tom’s shutter. it wasn’t as quiet as he’d hoped.
“do what you must, but don’t blame me when you get your film developed and it’s twenty-eight pictures of my face -- ”
tom opened his mouth as if to object.
“ -- oh, i’m sorry, my face and my fingernails and my feet and my nose and my ears and this part of my face right here ,” sean laughed as he pointed it out.
“you run a tough bargain, van vleet.”
sean stuck out his tongue, and tom took a picture of that, too.