ATTENTION
Sure. Everyone coos and squeals and OMG's over those first two words that will pop out of your mouth: "I'm pregnant." Then they'll proceed to tell you how WONDERFUL it is and how BLESSED you are and how FABULOUS it is to be with child and how LOVELY and EXCITING your life suddenly will become. From what these people say, it sounds like it's a 9 month partay.
This is a list chronicling the truth. The untold, uncensored truth.
DANIELLE AND NICOLE'S 100 REASONS WHY YOU SHOULD GET PREGNANT AND HAVE A
1. We'll start with the obvious. You are "blessed" with a limp, tiny being that does nothing but
cries and poops.
2. morning sickness
3. pregnancy-induced diabetes
4. pregnancy toxemia
5. post-partum idiopathic DCM (dilated cardiomyopathy)
6. post-partum depression
7. alllll that weight gain (could range from 19-35 lbs)
8. dramatic hormone fluctuations
9. the episiotomy-- an incision made in your perineum to allow the baby's head to come out
10. chapped nipples
11. stretch marks
12. widened hips
13. hypertension
14. pregnancy-induced carpal tunnel syndrome
15. pregnancy-induced lactose intolerance
16. drinking alcohol and caffeine are a strict no-no
17. eating sushi is also a no-no
18. bizarre cravings
19. no sex post-partum for 6 weeks
20. post-partum period for 6 weeks
21. “water breaking”- baby urine that has accumulated
22. chance of false contractions
23. labor lasting up to 48 hours
24. everyone seeing your “stuff” on a bad day
25. post-partum incontinence whenever you sneeze or cough
26. pooping yourself during labor
27. uterine infections
28. UTI’s
29. loss of “lubrication”
30. epidurals and their complications
31. the urinary catheter for that epidural
32. spontaneous public lactation
33. restrictions on kinds of medications you can take
34. needing to run to the bathroom every 5 minutes
35. physical limitations & tiring very easily
36. swollen ankles, fingers, hands and feet
37. post-partum loose skin
38. saggy, less perky boobs
39. loss of sensitivity/sensation to nipples
40. darker nipples
41. needing a new wardrobe for pregnancy, as well as afterwards
42. maternity leave
43. C-section scar
44. possible side effect of birth: DEATH
45. premature birth, birth defects, etc.
46. impaired immune system
47. everyone wanting to pat your stomach for 9 months
48. increased anxiety and worries
49. “stretched out” down south
50. pressure on internal organs from enlarged uterus
51. career aspirations decrease, baby planning increases
52. tons of OB/GYN visits
53. the baby shower: everyone smiling at you and telling you how great it is to be pregnant when you
just want to punch them in the face
54. incompetent cervix
55. backaches
56. the pregnancy “waddle”
57. needing more space in your house, car, etc.
58. Lamaze class
59. Lamaze breathing in front of all the hospital staff
60. abstaining from sex during pregnancy because of one of the above
61. heartburn
62. sciatica
63. shingles
64. constipation
65. insomnia
66. chloasma-skin & hair changes
67. varicose veins
68. hemorrhoids
69. leg cramps
70. abdominal cramps
71. gingivitis
72. thrush-ie: yeast infection
73. increase in shoe size
74. iron-deficiency anemia
75. husband’s decreased sexual desire for his now-less-desirable mate
76. post-partum hypothyroidism
77. post-partum psychosis
78. headaches
79. loss of identity, control
80. dyspnea (trouble breathing)
81. disturbances of eyesight
82. vaginal bleeding
83. leaking of amniotic fluid
84. inability to exercise normally
85. labor in general
86. feedings every 2 hours that take 45 minutes
87. no time for yourself or your spouse
88. sleep deprivation during those special night time feedings
89. having to breast feed your child in a restaurant bathroom
90. $$$$$$$$$
91. twins
92. triplets!
93. behavior problems in pets after kid is born, or kid behaving badly to pets
94. public temper tantrums
95. stereotypes: the “soccer mom”, the “sporty mom”, the “post-grad who popped one out”
96. decreased social life (ie: must pack up the kid before simply running to the store)
97. a kid who gets sick all the time with colds, flus, etc.
98. a kid who will eventually grow into a snotty, insubordinate teenager
99. an ugly kid (haha)
100. a baby who “parasitizes” you for 9 months, and up until the rest of your life
Disclaimer: we are highly aware that not all people feel like this. In fact, this is (mostly) a joke on our part and both of us will most likely, eventually, at some point, have a child. Maybe even more than one. So please stop where you are if you plan on flaming us.