Just when I think I'm okay...
Mom,
I wrote this list before Granpda died, and I wanted for him to hear
these things, but logistically it didn't work out. I've had this list
on my nightstand for more than a week, but I have to share them with
someone who will understand, and I don't know who would more than you.
Even though we knew he wasn't in good health and couldn't live
forever, it still somehow hurts so much to think that he's gone now. I
feel such a sense of loss, even though I know he's not suffering
anymore. Even in the later years when we couldn't talk on the phone
because he couldn't hear well, I always knew that he was there and
loved me. I never, ever, doubted his and Granny's love for me. From
someone who doubts everything about relationships, that's really
saying something.
Grandpa- What I love about you (in no particular order):
That you told me that my adoption day was one of the best days of your
life, and that I'm one of the best things that ever happened to you-
that I am your miracle.
That you threatened to send Granny "back to work" so that I could
afford college.
That you were a good sport when I prayed about your nose at
dinnertimes as a kid.
That you'd let me steal your belt buckle every day.
That I didn't know what your tattoo was of until I was an adult.
The "Sack of Spuds" game that we played in the pool.
The way you'd cheuffeur Granny and me on crazy roadtrips that passed
through rotten places like Barstow.
Your mischievious grin and the sparkle that you'd get in your eye when
you are being subtly rowdy.
The way you kill computer mice.
That you love to build things.
The Garfield plush toy that was in the back window, and the crystal
that hung from the rear-view mirror.
How you smell like Old Spice.
That you are so dedicated to crossword puzzles- you have more patience
(and a bigger vocabulary) than I ever will.
How you moved up to Oregon (a location that you and Granny didn't
really even like) just so that you could live next door to me and mom.
That you always personally sign cards and letters that are from both
you and Granny.
The way you're "hell on wheels" with your walker.
How we always used to eat Raisin Bran with lots of extra sugar
together at breakfast.
The way you were always a neutral party when it came to my parents' divorce.
The way you look in a baseball cap.
That you call me "babe".
That I can do no wrong and how you believe that I can do anything that
I want to.
That you never pressured me to be anyone other than myself.
That you would let me drink your cold coffee.
That you would play canasta with me for hours at a time, and that you
wouldn't go to easy on me which made me feel smarter than I would have
if you'd have let me win every time.
That I've never for one moment doubted your love for me.