Chit chat I was taking a bath
Immediately following this scene is this. Miniyal and Peloth discuss the chat the former had with Issa. Peloth forms a sneaky plan. Miniyal is clueless.
That could have gone better.
She stated the obvious, of course. I considered my options. Finish eating. I’ll give you a bath. Much better than dealing with all the extra people trying to eat. I could eat later. If I remembered.
I am almost done. You could eat while I finish. The suggestion was offered with the knowledge that it would not be taken up. No pressure behind it. Just an offer to do something she knew I would not.
And since we both knew that I was free to ignore it and make my way to meet her outside the baths. I didn’t need to watch her finish eating. I certainly didn’t need to deal with anyone who might be lurking in the same general area as her. Easier to lurk outside the baths and studiously ignore anyone coming or going. It did not take long for Peloth to be done. Not when there was a bath awaiting her. She was not dirty, of course. Even eating was a thing done with great care to neatness. Fussiness.
I am not fussy. I simply do not understand the appeal of being messy. Neither did I, but it was still fun to tease her over it. Fun. Not a word I used much these days. Nothing was fun anymore. I tried, really. Maybe not for fun, but for anything. Peloth nudged me with her head gently and then pushed me ahead of her into the bath.
Once inside she headed straight for the water, impatient. Not having prepared for this all I could do was take off my boots and socks. No sense bothering with anything else as I eventually followed her into the water. It can always go better. I don’t even know what I am doing anymore. But if she thinks I am taking advice from her she’s crazy.
I thought you liked her? Why would you like someone who would give you bad advice? Questions. More and more. At least she wasn’t trying to be playful. It’s hard to think about answers when someone’s trying to drown you. Dignified my ass. I don’t like her. I mean. . .I don’t know. But I’m not playing someone’s game. If exposing the truth isn’t allowed when I want to then why should I do it when someone else wants me to? Why doesn’t she do it if she’s so keen on having it known? I’m not the only one who knows. I’m not someone’s tool. I won’t be used.
That was what annoyed me the most. Maybe I was overreacting, but it still seemed awfully convenient that now all at once people wanted what I knew to come out. Now it was alright for me to do this. Other people had determined it. Without even talking to me about it. Just, ‘Here. Let’s have Miniyal do this now that /we/ think the time is right.’ I am /not/ someone’s tool.
Of course you are not. How could you be? We do what we want. That is why we are here. But could you not have still done it? Even though it was someone else’s timing? You did not have to do it the way she wanted. She was, at least, easy to bathe. If not for her size it would be no trouble at all. It had turned, quite easily, into a ritual of its own. There was a way to do this and we had it all worked out. At least there was /something/ in my life that wasn’t going to change. Well, it would take longer the older she got. But, still. It was almost calming.
Almost. If I do it the way I want I will just get in trouble again. It’s perfectly fine to do things their way, but Faranth forbid I do it mine. I was quite aware I was likely being unreasonable about this. I mean, I wasn’ that disassociated from myself. However, it is not like I am unaware of how people who sneak around think. She has the information. If she wants it out, let her share it.
But do you not want it out as well? It seems like you are not doing what you want because of her. That makes no sense. Peloth turned her head to peer at me, drenched in water now, as I scrubbed under one raised wing.
I’ll do it when I am ready. I told him I would leave it to Kazimir and I did. I told him I wouldn’t do anything else. I told him so. It was, clearly, bathwater splashed in my eyes I had to brush away. Because there were no tears. I won’t be someone she thinks she can use. I tell things people think I shouldn’t and in return I get in trouble. Because I believe in what I say. If she wants the information out so much let her tell it. Let her get in trouble for her beliefs. Let her stop sneaking around using other people.
I may sneak, sure. I may even pass along information through other people. But what I told her was right. I know people know what I do. It’s no secret. It’s not hard to figure out. If I wanted it to be no one would know. There is plenty they do not know. Which was right. Luckily she forgot most of it as soon as she knew it. We were still working on the secret keeping thing.
It still could have gone better. Fuck. I was hoping she wasn’t going to come back to that. Lately that was all she commented on. How I didn’t seem to be talking right to people. How I could have done better. I know. It’s just. . .
You have not said good-bye yet. You should talk to-
Forget it. I cut her off. I felt bad about it. She was just trying to help. I shouldn’t take out all of my concerns on her, but who else was there? Who else understood how I felt inside? Please, don’t say it again. I don’t want to.
She was quiet and when I finished up with her she stood still while I leaned against her. It didn’t matter we were in the water and I knew I’d be heading back across the bowl soaking wet. A few more minutes in here wouldn’t hurt. Not when it was just us two. Figuratively speaking. We ignored the entrance of anyone else and people were finally catching on to leave us be. For the most part.
When I moved again she came with me. She was getting bigger every day and it was hard not to trip over her as she stayed close. But I never did and I never tried to stop her. I needed it.
You need someone. Another old argument as we crossed the bowl, the ground cold beneath my bare feet. I have you. It is what she always told me. I had her. And yet at the same time she insisted I needed someone else. Maddening. Stupid brat. You have me.
I probably should have known better. I should have known she gave in too easily.
Stay tonight. Or I will wake them up. I will sleep if you stay. I grumbled, quietly, and earned for it an odd look from one of the others as we entered the barracks. Well, I was quite used to odd looks these days. Fine. I didn’t really want to go out. I didn’t always want to sneak out. But if I stayed, in the dark with her, I couldn’t be sure of what would happen. You need to cry. That is what I am told.
I don’t know if I could stop.
That could have gone better.
She stated the obvious, of course. I considered my options. Finish eating. I’ll give you a bath. Much better than dealing with all the extra people trying to eat. I could eat later. If I remembered.
I am almost done. You could eat while I finish. The suggestion was offered with the knowledge that it would not be taken up. No pressure behind it. Just an offer to do something she knew I would not.
And since we both knew that I was free to ignore it and make my way to meet her outside the baths. I didn’t need to watch her finish eating. I certainly didn’t need to deal with anyone who might be lurking in the same general area as her. Easier to lurk outside the baths and studiously ignore anyone coming or going. It did not take long for Peloth to be done. Not when there was a bath awaiting her. She was not dirty, of course. Even eating was a thing done with great care to neatness. Fussiness.
I am not fussy. I simply do not understand the appeal of being messy. Neither did I, but it was still fun to tease her over it. Fun. Not a word I used much these days. Nothing was fun anymore. I tried, really. Maybe not for fun, but for anything. Peloth nudged me with her head gently and then pushed me ahead of her into the bath.
Once inside she headed straight for the water, impatient. Not having prepared for this all I could do was take off my boots and socks. No sense bothering with anything else as I eventually followed her into the water. It can always go better. I don’t even know what I am doing anymore. But if she thinks I am taking advice from her she’s crazy.
I thought you liked her? Why would you like someone who would give you bad advice? Questions. More and more. At least she wasn’t trying to be playful. It’s hard to think about answers when someone’s trying to drown you. Dignified my ass. I don’t like her. I mean. . .I don’t know. But I’m not playing someone’s game. If exposing the truth isn’t allowed when I want to then why should I do it when someone else wants me to? Why doesn’t she do it if she’s so keen on having it known? I’m not the only one who knows. I’m not someone’s tool. I won’t be used.
That was what annoyed me the most. Maybe I was overreacting, but it still seemed awfully convenient that now all at once people wanted what I knew to come out. Now it was alright for me to do this. Other people had determined it. Without even talking to me about it. Just, ‘Here. Let’s have Miniyal do this now that /we/ think the time is right.’ I am /not/ someone’s tool.
Of course you are not. How could you be? We do what we want. That is why we are here. But could you not have still done it? Even though it was someone else’s timing? You did not have to do it the way she wanted. She was, at least, easy to bathe. If not for her size it would be no trouble at all. It had turned, quite easily, into a ritual of its own. There was a way to do this and we had it all worked out. At least there was /something/ in my life that wasn’t going to change. Well, it would take longer the older she got. But, still. It was almost calming.
Almost. If I do it the way I want I will just get in trouble again. It’s perfectly fine to do things their way, but Faranth forbid I do it mine. I was quite aware I was likely being unreasonable about this. I mean, I wasn’ that disassociated from myself. However, it is not like I am unaware of how people who sneak around think. She has the information. If she wants it out, let her share it.
But do you not want it out as well? It seems like you are not doing what you want because of her. That makes no sense. Peloth turned her head to peer at me, drenched in water now, as I scrubbed under one raised wing.
I’ll do it when I am ready. I told him I would leave it to Kazimir and I did. I told him I wouldn’t do anything else. I told him so. It was, clearly, bathwater splashed in my eyes I had to brush away. Because there were no tears. I won’t be someone she thinks she can use. I tell things people think I shouldn’t and in return I get in trouble. Because I believe in what I say. If she wants the information out so much let her tell it. Let her get in trouble for her beliefs. Let her stop sneaking around using other people.
I may sneak, sure. I may even pass along information through other people. But what I told her was right. I know people know what I do. It’s no secret. It’s not hard to figure out. If I wanted it to be no one would know. There is plenty they do not know. Which was right. Luckily she forgot most of it as soon as she knew it. We were still working on the secret keeping thing.
It still could have gone better. Fuck. I was hoping she wasn’t going to come back to that. Lately that was all she commented on. How I didn’t seem to be talking right to people. How I could have done better. I know. It’s just. . .
You have not said good-bye yet. You should talk to-
Forget it. I cut her off. I felt bad about it. She was just trying to help. I shouldn’t take out all of my concerns on her, but who else was there? Who else understood how I felt inside? Please, don’t say it again. I don’t want to.
She was quiet and when I finished up with her she stood still while I leaned against her. It didn’t matter we were in the water and I knew I’d be heading back across the bowl soaking wet. A few more minutes in here wouldn’t hurt. Not when it was just us two. Figuratively speaking. We ignored the entrance of anyone else and people were finally catching on to leave us be. For the most part.
When I moved again she came with me. She was getting bigger every day and it was hard not to trip over her as she stayed close. But I never did and I never tried to stop her. I needed it.
You need someone. Another old argument as we crossed the bowl, the ground cold beneath my bare feet. I have you. It is what she always told me. I had her. And yet at the same time she insisted I needed someone else. Maddening. Stupid brat. You have me.
I probably should have known better. I should have known she gave in too easily.
Stay tonight. Or I will wake them up. I will sleep if you stay. I grumbled, quietly, and earned for it an odd look from one of the others as we entered the barracks. Well, I was quite used to odd looks these days. Fine. I didn’t really want to go out. I didn’t always want to sneak out. But if I stayed, in the dark with her, I couldn’t be sure of what would happen. You need to cry. That is what I am told.
I don’t know if I could stop.