[Fanfiction] Hanchul, Saying I'm Sorry
Title: Saying I'm Sorry
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Hankyung/Heechul
Rating: PG
Word count: 1700
Notes: For black_goose, the Han to my Chul ♥
The rain comes earlier than expected. It falls down in heavy droplets, drowning out all sounds apart from that of the water hitting against the blurred glass of the hotel room window. It is cold and dark but Heechul doesn't care as he presses his cheek against the algid frame, his breath fogging up the glass in an instant.
He stares outside, but he can't see anything. The rain is blurring everything in sight, even the lights of the lit street lamps or the flashing advertisements of the shops across the street. He still can't see anything.
Heechul tightens the grip around his cellphone. It is warm in his sweaty hands, but cold at the same time. It doesn't make a sound, it isn't ringing, its screen blank, and Heechul fears that he might sit here through the night clutching onto his phone while the hope inside him shrivels more and more.
The clock behind him is ticking loud but slowly, turning seconds into minutes, minutes into hours. A past second feels like a day to Heechul and he closes his eyes, not wanting to see the things he can't see anyway.
By the time his phone starts playing a soft melody, the screen flashing brightly in the dark room, Heechul has fallen asleep on the window sill. His head hangs low, his cheek still slightly sticking against the cold glass. The sun hasn't gone up yet, but the lights of the shops outside have been turned off.
The phone stops ringing. The rain is not easing up.
*
He steps into his apartment for the first time in weeks. The dust has collected itself on various objects which Heechul hasn't been using in the past month, and the blinds of the windows are drawn so that the sun has no chance to flood the rooms with its bright light. Heechul sighs as he closes the fridge. It's empty, like his life.
There are 148 unread emails in his inbox. Most of them are useless, random reminder from sites he has signed up for months, years ago. One is from Eunhyuk, and Heechul clicks onto the 'open' button to see what the mail contains- he ignores the fact that it has been sent to him three weeks ago, as he skims the small and black characters.
Guys, I found work!!!111! Meet up at The Box on Friday?? First round’ll be on me!! Mail back asap ^_^
Heechul sighs as he deletes the message. No one has called him on that day, but he's sure that the meeting has been taking place. He sighs again and drums his finger against the mouse, his eyes suddenly going a bit wider as he spots a familiar name on the list, the one he has secretly been looking for.
Hankyung's mails are never long. Not when he has to type in Korean. Heechul has already seen him typing mails longer than the fairy tales he writes, though, but only when they're going to be send to his family. Hankyung has always been better at Chinese. Of course, Heechul thinks, as he leans forward in his chair, I understand.
But this mail is long, and it is in Chinese. Heechul doesn't frown, though. He would've, with Hankyung around, with anybody else beside him, but he doesn't. He leans forward a bit more, his nose almost touching the huge monitor, and reads words he doesn't understand and probably never will.
The first characters are in Korean, dear Heechul, they say, and go on in that foreign language Heechul loves and hates at the same time. But even though he can't understand them, he gets Hankyung's message anyway.
But he isn't sure why the words are screaming I don't understand at him.
*
Leeteuk is the only one Heechul calls sometimes, mostly when he's drunk or upset. But Leeteuk listens to him, his ranting, always. He doesn't interrupt, he doesn't blink or roll his eyes, and he pretends that he doesn't notice the tears that are welling up in Heechul's eyes when he talks about Hankyung.
"Did he call you?" Leeteuk asks over the phone one night, the first night Heechul is staying over at his apartment again. Heechul stares at the ceiling while he's lying on the hard wooden floor in the living room, dark bangs brushing over his face as he tries to think of an answer.
"Well, yes," he says and he can hear Leeteuk's sharp breathing on the other side of the line. He hates talking about this, about him, but it always seems to be inevitable. He prefers people who don't care, because he doesn't either.
"He has been calling me every day since he's gone, but I never picked up the phone," Heechul explains and if Leeteuk would be here, he could see that his fingers are shaking- shaking without a concrete reason. "But I need this, Leeteuk. I need his calls, I need to know that he still cares and that he still hasn't forgotten."
Leeteuk sighs and there's a long, uncomfortable silence. Heechul shifts on the floor. His back hurts, but he doesn't get up.
"You know," Leeteuk begins after a while, "even if he stops calling one day, he isn't ever going to forget. To be frank, I already would have, if I were him that is. I can't quite comprehend why he's still calling when you're never picking up the phone anyway, which directly leads to the other question as to why you don't want to talk to him."
Heechul closes his eyes and snorts. "Let's just pretend that this call never happened, ok?"
"Heechul, I ...,” Leeteuk mutters before Heechul presses the red button, "I really don't understand why you think he has left you."
*
As a matter of fact, China is far away. It's not as far away as Europe or America, Heechul knows this, but it still isn't within reach. He doesn't have enough money to visit Hankyung- not that he wants to anyway. He knows he's selfish and difficult, but he's sure that Hankyung will return, come back to him sooner or later.
As a matter of fact, Heechul loves Hankyung, but he still wants to harm him psychically like Hankyung did harm him. He knows that it wasn't on purpose and that Hankyung doesn't know, doesn't understand why, if, when he did something wrong, but Heechul knows, and that is enough.
He knows that he's selfish and difficult, but he's sure that Hankyung will return.
Two months have passed since Hankyung has left for China to live with his family. Heechul can't think of any other incident that has ever hurt him as much as this one. Hankyung telling him that he's sorry, that he has to go, that he can't live without his family, and that he has to leave Heechul behind.
What about me, Heechul had thought, as he had stared at Hankyung's retreating back, can you live without me?
*
After a week, Hankyung stops calling him. Instead he starts to send out mails every evening and Heechul finds himself being more nervous than ever before, sweaty hands flying over the keyboard to log into his account. He hasn't given Hankyung a chance to talk to him over the phone, but he doesn't have an influence on the emails Hankyung types in broken Korean.
He needn't read them, he knows this.
Heechul almost smiles when he spots two mistakes in one sentence, amused that Hankyung might have already forgotten most of his Korean. It isn't funny, though. Not really.
Have I done something wrong? The first email says, and Heechul deletes it.
I tried to reach Leeteuk but he wouldn't pick up the phone. Heechul, did something happen? The second one says.
After the third email Hankyung starts so write in Chinese again, and the mails are back to being longer than a sentence. Heechul reads them all, takes in the familiar characters while drumming his fingers against the mouse. His heart beats rapidly and his hands are shaking. There's an open water bottle next to him, but nothing to eat. The sun is shining through the half-open blinds, dancing over the wooden floor, the monitor, Heechul's face.
There are two unread messages in his inbox on the tenth day and Heechul raises his eyebrows. He nearly knocks the still untouched water bottle over when he spots Sungmin's name under Hankyung's, the pink characters nearly blinding him. He clicks onto the 'open' button and waits.
Aren't you a bit overreacting? Call me if you need someone, but beware that I might start yelling at u.
Heechul leans back and blinks. He understands what Sungmin wants to tell him, what Sungmin is telling him, and it hits him more than any word Leeteuk has said to him over the past weeks. He leans back as far as he can until his back makes contact with the hard floor, and he lies there until the sun rises.
Heechul can't remember when and why, but when he logs out in the early morning he spies the mail that sits in the 'sent' folder and smiles. Come back to me, he types over and over again, until the words are melting together into one sentence and he hits the 'send' button. Come back to me.
*
It storms outside the day Hankyung suddenly returns, suitcase in one hand, a drenched package in the other. He drips water onto the floor when Heechul opens the door and smiles that smile Heechul has missed so much.
"I'm sorry," Hankyung says, "I'm so sorry." And Heechul reaches out and latches onto Hankyung, water spilling through the gaps between his fingers when they clutch the wet jacket Hankyung is wearing. He doesn't notice that he is crying, because he never would, and burries his face into Hankyung's chest, mouth open, face distorted.
They stand like that for a while when Hankyung's arms come around Heechul's thin figure to press him close, to be near him again. He doesn't care that he's freezing because Heechul is warm and beautiful, and Hankyung falls in love all over again.
The door closes behind them. The rain is easing up.
Fandom: Super Junior
Pairing: Hankyung/Heechul
Rating: PG
Word count: 1700
Notes: For black_goose, the Han to my Chul ♥
The rain comes earlier than expected. It falls down in heavy droplets, drowning out all sounds apart from that of the water hitting against the blurred glass of the hotel room window. It is cold and dark but Heechul doesn't care as he presses his cheek against the algid frame, his breath fogging up the glass in an instant.
He stares outside, but he can't see anything. The rain is blurring everything in sight, even the lights of the lit street lamps or the flashing advertisements of the shops across the street. He still can't see anything.
Heechul tightens the grip around his cellphone. It is warm in his sweaty hands, but cold at the same time. It doesn't make a sound, it isn't ringing, its screen blank, and Heechul fears that he might sit here through the night clutching onto his phone while the hope inside him shrivels more and more.
The clock behind him is ticking loud but slowly, turning seconds into minutes, minutes into hours. A past second feels like a day to Heechul and he closes his eyes, not wanting to see the things he can't see anyway.
By the time his phone starts playing a soft melody, the screen flashing brightly in the dark room, Heechul has fallen asleep on the window sill. His head hangs low, his cheek still slightly sticking against the cold glass. The sun hasn't gone up yet, but the lights of the shops outside have been turned off.
The phone stops ringing. The rain is not easing up.
*
He steps into his apartment for the first time in weeks. The dust has collected itself on various objects which Heechul hasn't been using in the past month, and the blinds of the windows are drawn so that the sun has no chance to flood the rooms with its bright light. Heechul sighs as he closes the fridge. It's empty, like his life.
There are 148 unread emails in his inbox. Most of them are useless, random reminder from sites he has signed up for months, years ago. One is from Eunhyuk, and Heechul clicks onto the 'open' button to see what the mail contains- he ignores the fact that it has been sent to him three weeks ago, as he skims the small and black characters.
Guys, I found work!!!111! Meet up at The Box on Friday?? First round’ll be on me!! Mail back asap ^_^
Heechul sighs as he deletes the message. No one has called him on that day, but he's sure that the meeting has been taking place. He sighs again and drums his finger against the mouse, his eyes suddenly going a bit wider as he spots a familiar name on the list, the one he has secretly been looking for.
Hankyung's mails are never long. Not when he has to type in Korean. Heechul has already seen him typing mails longer than the fairy tales he writes, though, but only when they're going to be send to his family. Hankyung has always been better at Chinese. Of course, Heechul thinks, as he leans forward in his chair, I understand.
But this mail is long, and it is in Chinese. Heechul doesn't frown, though. He would've, with Hankyung around, with anybody else beside him, but he doesn't. He leans forward a bit more, his nose almost touching the huge monitor, and reads words he doesn't understand and probably never will.
The first characters are in Korean, dear Heechul, they say, and go on in that foreign language Heechul loves and hates at the same time. But even though he can't understand them, he gets Hankyung's message anyway.
But he isn't sure why the words are screaming I don't understand at him.
*
Leeteuk is the only one Heechul calls sometimes, mostly when he's drunk or upset. But Leeteuk listens to him, his ranting, always. He doesn't interrupt, he doesn't blink or roll his eyes, and he pretends that he doesn't notice the tears that are welling up in Heechul's eyes when he talks about Hankyung.
"Did he call you?" Leeteuk asks over the phone one night, the first night Heechul is staying over at his apartment again. Heechul stares at the ceiling while he's lying on the hard wooden floor in the living room, dark bangs brushing over his face as he tries to think of an answer.
"Well, yes," he says and he can hear Leeteuk's sharp breathing on the other side of the line. He hates talking about this, about him, but it always seems to be inevitable. He prefers people who don't care, because he doesn't either.
"He has been calling me every day since he's gone, but I never picked up the phone," Heechul explains and if Leeteuk would be here, he could see that his fingers are shaking- shaking without a concrete reason. "But I need this, Leeteuk. I need his calls, I need to know that he still cares and that he still hasn't forgotten."
Leeteuk sighs and there's a long, uncomfortable silence. Heechul shifts on the floor. His back hurts, but he doesn't get up.
"You know," Leeteuk begins after a while, "even if he stops calling one day, he isn't ever going to forget. To be frank, I already would have, if I were him that is. I can't quite comprehend why he's still calling when you're never picking up the phone anyway, which directly leads to the other question as to why you don't want to talk to him."
Heechul closes his eyes and snorts. "Let's just pretend that this call never happened, ok?"
"Heechul, I ...,” Leeteuk mutters before Heechul presses the red button, "I really don't understand why you think he has left you."
*
As a matter of fact, China is far away. It's not as far away as Europe or America, Heechul knows this, but it still isn't within reach. He doesn't have enough money to visit Hankyung- not that he wants to anyway. He knows he's selfish and difficult, but he's sure that Hankyung will return, come back to him sooner or later.
As a matter of fact, Heechul loves Hankyung, but he still wants to harm him psychically like Hankyung did harm him. He knows that it wasn't on purpose and that Hankyung doesn't know, doesn't understand why, if, when he did something wrong, but Heechul knows, and that is enough.
He knows that he's selfish and difficult, but he's sure that Hankyung will return.
Two months have passed since Hankyung has left for China to live with his family. Heechul can't think of any other incident that has ever hurt him as much as this one. Hankyung telling him that he's sorry, that he has to go, that he can't live without his family, and that he has to leave Heechul behind.
What about me, Heechul had thought, as he had stared at Hankyung's retreating back, can you live without me?
*
After a week, Hankyung stops calling him. Instead he starts to send out mails every evening and Heechul finds himself being more nervous than ever before, sweaty hands flying over the keyboard to log into his account. He hasn't given Hankyung a chance to talk to him over the phone, but he doesn't have an influence on the emails Hankyung types in broken Korean.
He needn't read them, he knows this.
Heechul almost smiles when he spots two mistakes in one sentence, amused that Hankyung might have already forgotten most of his Korean. It isn't funny, though. Not really.
Have I done something wrong? The first email says, and Heechul deletes it.
I tried to reach Leeteuk but he wouldn't pick up the phone. Heechul, did something happen? The second one says.
After the third email Hankyung starts so write in Chinese again, and the mails are back to being longer than a sentence. Heechul reads them all, takes in the familiar characters while drumming his fingers against the mouse. His heart beats rapidly and his hands are shaking. There's an open water bottle next to him, but nothing to eat. The sun is shining through the half-open blinds, dancing over the wooden floor, the monitor, Heechul's face.
There are two unread messages in his inbox on the tenth day and Heechul raises his eyebrows. He nearly knocks the still untouched water bottle over when he spots Sungmin's name under Hankyung's, the pink characters nearly blinding him. He clicks onto the 'open' button and waits.
Aren't you a bit overreacting? Call me if you need someone, but beware that I might start yelling at u.
Heechul leans back and blinks. He understands what Sungmin wants to tell him, what Sungmin is telling him, and it hits him more than any word Leeteuk has said to him over the past weeks. He leans back as far as he can until his back makes contact with the hard floor, and he lies there until the sun rises.
Heechul can't remember when and why, but when he logs out in the early morning he spies the mail that sits in the 'sent' folder and smiles. Come back to me, he types over and over again, until the words are melting together into one sentence and he hits the 'send' button. Come back to me.
*
It storms outside the day Hankyung suddenly returns, suitcase in one hand, a drenched package in the other. He drips water onto the floor when Heechul opens the door and smiles that smile Heechul has missed so much.
"I'm sorry," Hankyung says, "I'm so sorry." And Heechul reaches out and latches onto Hankyung, water spilling through the gaps between his fingers when they clutch the wet jacket Hankyung is wearing. He doesn't notice that he is crying, because he never would, and burries his face into Hankyung's chest, mouth open, face distorted.
They stand like that for a while when Hankyung's arms come around Heechul's thin figure to press him close, to be near him again. He doesn't care that he's freezing because Heechul is warm and beautiful, and Hankyung falls in love all over again.
The door closes behind them. The rain is easing up.