Harry Potter And The Alternative Title
Harry Potter and the Alternative Title
by minnow_53
Disclaimer: These characters and the title of Book 7 belong to JK Rowling et al.
Thanks: To astra_argentea for reading through.
*waves* I’ve written this strange little piece to celebrate being asked on to deathly_lollows. Just on my journal and linked to the comm.
Harry Potter and the Alternative Title
1
Bloomsbury have just released the following statement: ‘Owing to a number of misprints, the title of Book 7 has been rendered wrongly as Deathly Hallows.’
Actually, Book 7 will be called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallos. Here are a couple of excerpts to clear up any confusion.
From Chapter Three, Severus Returns
‘Hallo, Potter,’ sneered Snape, and Harry immediately began to choke, pulling at the neck of his robe. Fortunately, Ron was there with a handy bezoar.
From Chapter Four, Death of a Demon
‘Malfoy! Malfoy! Hallo there!’ Harry sprinted to Draco’s side, a bit alarmed when his arch-enemy fell into his arms, completely unconscious.
‘That’s odd,’ said Hermione anxiously. ‘He has all the symptoms of curare poisoning.’
Pansy Parkinson fired off a Jelly-Legs Jinx, shrieking, ‘It’s your fault, Granger! You sent Potter after him, didn’t you?’
Hermione casually deflected the spell. ‘Hallo to you too, bitch!’ she spat, and Pansy immediately joined her boyfriend in an impenetrable coma.
From Chapter Ninety-Two, The End As We Know It
‘Oh, hallo, it’s Voldemort!’ exclaimed Harry, and immediately the Dark Lord sank to the ground in a swoon.
‘Hallo, hallo, hallo,’ chanted Harry, Ron and Hermione, zapping Voldemort with yet another lethal greeting every time he endeavoured to raise his head.
2
Well, that was a stupid rumour: all those excerpts are entirely fictitious. In fact, Book 7 will be called Harry Potter and The Breathy Hallos.
We go back to Marauder days for this extract.
From Chapter Ten, Boys Madly In Love
(NB: Harry is looking into Lily Potter’s old Pensieve.)
‘Hallo,’ uttered Sirius breathily, and Lupin murmured, ‘Hallo.’ They gazed into each other’s eyes, their already unsteady breathing peaking to a point where both were in danger of asphyxiation, even though their ‘hallos’ were not of the deathly ilk.
From Chapter Ten and a Third, More Stuff About Boys In Love
‘Hallo,’ whispered Lupin. It was the morning after the transformation, and he and Sirius were all alone in the Shack.
‘Hallo.’ Sirius could not resist planting a gentle kiss on those lips uttering their breathy salutation...
From Chapter Ten and a Half, Boys in Love With Girls
‘Hallo.’ Evans sounded distinctly odd, as if she’d just been running a half-marathon round Hogwarts grounds.
But James wasn’t complaining. ‘Well, hallo to you too,’ he replied, beaming. ‘Will you come to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?’
3
Bloomsbury have just issued another statement: ‘Rumours that Book 7 will be called Breathy Hallos are just that: rumours. In fact, the title has already been finalised as Harry Potter and The Healthy Mallows.’
From Chapter Seventeen, Food For Thought
‘Harry!’ cried Hermione nervously. ‘What on earth are you eating?’
Harry was amused. ‘C’mon, Hermione, you know as much about Muggle food as I do. More, even. I’m eating a mallow. With chocolate on.’
Hermione’s brow furrowed. ‘You mean...you mean like a marshmallow?’
‘Yep,’ said Harry rather indistinctly through a mouthful of scrumptious chewiness.
‘Hey, can I have one?’ Ron asked. ‘They’re delicious. So much better than boring old cauldron cakes.’
‘But Ron, these are horribly bad for you!’ Hermione protested, snatching away the packet. ‘Just think of your teeth.’
‘Hey, Hermione, read the wrapping,’ Harry said, snatching it back. ‘Look. These are healthy mallows. They contain extra vitamins B and D and have virtually no sugar. Only 14 calories per item.’
‘Brilliant!’ Hermione’s eyes sparkled as she helped herself...
From Chapter Thirty, Greenhouses and Gobstones
Neville was looking extremely fit. He’d lost about twenty pounds and his robes hung on him in a very attractive manner.
Lavender Brown especially seemed to find the new Neville irresistible. Every time he regaled the Gryffindor common room with details of the Healthy Mallow Diet, Lavender gazed at him hungrily, as if she were about to devour him.
‘I’ll going to beat the hell out of You-Know-Who,’ Neville boasted, flexing his perfectly-toned muscles. ‘Those mallows really are brilliant. Did you know’ - his eyes met Lavender’s and lingered there - ‘that they’re made from magical plants?’
4
Bloomsbury have now issued several writs and wish it to be known that the seventh and final Harry Potter book will be called Harry Potter and the Saintly Halos.
From Chapter Six Hundred and Seventy-Four, From Here to Eternity
‘We’re all dead, aren’t we?’ asked Harry, rather rhetorically. He was sitting on a fluffy cloud with a harp under his arm, and his robes were of white samite.
‘You’ve got a halo, Harry!’ cried Hermione, impressed. ‘Did you know that not everyone has a halo when they die? It says in Heaven: A History that halos are reserved for people who have died heroically.’
‘But you have one too,’ Harry pointed out. ‘And so does Ron.’
‘Professor McGonagall doesn’t,’ Hermione said.
‘Probably because she missed most of the final battle,’ said Ron. ‘She does have tartan wings, though. I bet that’s a privilege. Ours are just white and feathery.’
Luna examined her wings thoughtfully. ‘Dad was wrong,’ she said, a bit indignantly, ‘they’re not made of Blibbering Humdinger feathers! Pity he isn’t here,’ she added, her lower lip trembling slightly...
5
JKR also considered the following options:
Harry Potter and the Silly Harlots
Parvati, Ginny and Cho had used their collective imaginations to wonderful effect: the Room of Requirement now looked like a Parisian brothel at the end of the nineteenth century, all red plush, gilt and big, bouncy beds.
‘But it’s not a brothel, Harry!’ said Ginny, raising her wand. ‘If you dare call it that again I’ll put a Bat Bogey Hex on you. It’s a space for rest and relaxation.’
‘Think of it as an alternative battleground,’ Cho chimed in. ‘For all the poor guys fighting in the final conflict.’
‘And girls.’
‘Well, yeah, them too.’
*
Harry Potter and the Wealthy Fellows
‘Want to buy your way out of the prophecy?’ Slughorn’s hot breath showed white in the chill air of the Quidditch pitch. ‘I can help you, Harry. Just say the word.’
*
Harry Potter and the Wonderful Slashy Story of the Marauders Harry Potter and the Fleshly Wallows
End
by minnow_53
Disclaimer: These characters and the title of Book 7 belong to JK Rowling et al.
Thanks: To astra_argentea for reading through.
*waves* I’ve written this strange little piece to celebrate being asked on to deathly_lollows. Just on my journal and linked to the comm.
Harry Potter and the Alternative Title
1
Bloomsbury have just released the following statement: ‘Owing to a number of misprints, the title of Book 7 has been rendered wrongly as Deathly Hallows.’
Actually, Book 7 will be called Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallos. Here are a couple of excerpts to clear up any confusion.
From Chapter Three, Severus Returns
‘Hallo, Potter,’ sneered Snape, and Harry immediately began to choke, pulling at the neck of his robe. Fortunately, Ron was there with a handy bezoar.
From Chapter Four, Death of a Demon
‘Malfoy! Malfoy! Hallo there!’ Harry sprinted to Draco’s side, a bit alarmed when his arch-enemy fell into his arms, completely unconscious.
‘That’s odd,’ said Hermione anxiously. ‘He has all the symptoms of curare poisoning.’
Pansy Parkinson fired off a Jelly-Legs Jinx, shrieking, ‘It’s your fault, Granger! You sent Potter after him, didn’t you?’
Hermione casually deflected the spell. ‘Hallo to you too, bitch!’ she spat, and Pansy immediately joined her boyfriend in an impenetrable coma.
From Chapter Ninety-Two, The End As We Know It
‘Oh, hallo, it’s Voldemort!’ exclaimed Harry, and immediately the Dark Lord sank to the ground in a swoon.
‘Hallo, hallo, hallo,’ chanted Harry, Ron and Hermione, zapping Voldemort with yet another lethal greeting every time he endeavoured to raise his head.
2
Well, that was a stupid rumour: all those excerpts are entirely fictitious. In fact, Book 7 will be called Harry Potter and The Breathy Hallos.
We go back to Marauder days for this extract.
From Chapter Ten, Boys Madly In Love
(NB: Harry is looking into Lily Potter’s old Pensieve.)
‘Hallo,’ uttered Sirius breathily, and Lupin murmured, ‘Hallo.’ They gazed into each other’s eyes, their already unsteady breathing peaking to a point where both were in danger of asphyxiation, even though their ‘hallos’ were not of the deathly ilk.
From Chapter Ten and a Third, More Stuff About Boys In Love
‘Hallo,’ whispered Lupin. It was the morning after the transformation, and he and Sirius were all alone in the Shack.
‘Hallo.’ Sirius could not resist planting a gentle kiss on those lips uttering their breathy salutation...
From Chapter Ten and a Half, Boys in Love With Girls
‘Hallo.’ Evans sounded distinctly odd, as if she’d just been running a half-marathon round Hogwarts grounds.
But James wasn’t complaining. ‘Well, hallo to you too,’ he replied, beaming. ‘Will you come to Hogsmeade with me next weekend?’
3
Bloomsbury have just issued another statement: ‘Rumours that Book 7 will be called Breathy Hallos are just that: rumours. In fact, the title has already been finalised as Harry Potter and The Healthy Mallows.’
From Chapter Seventeen, Food For Thought
‘Harry!’ cried Hermione nervously. ‘What on earth are you eating?’
Harry was amused. ‘C’mon, Hermione, you know as much about Muggle food as I do. More, even. I’m eating a mallow. With chocolate on.’
Hermione’s brow furrowed. ‘You mean...you mean like a marshmallow?’
‘Yep,’ said Harry rather indistinctly through a mouthful of scrumptious chewiness.
‘Hey, can I have one?’ Ron asked. ‘They’re delicious. So much better than boring old cauldron cakes.’
‘But Ron, these are horribly bad for you!’ Hermione protested, snatching away the packet. ‘Just think of your teeth.’
‘Hey, Hermione, read the wrapping,’ Harry said, snatching it back. ‘Look. These are healthy mallows. They contain extra vitamins B and D and have virtually no sugar. Only 14 calories per item.’
‘Brilliant!’ Hermione’s eyes sparkled as she helped herself...
From Chapter Thirty, Greenhouses and Gobstones
Neville was looking extremely fit. He’d lost about twenty pounds and his robes hung on him in a very attractive manner.
Lavender Brown especially seemed to find the new Neville irresistible. Every time he regaled the Gryffindor common room with details of the Healthy Mallow Diet, Lavender gazed at him hungrily, as if she were about to devour him.
‘I’ll going to beat the hell out of You-Know-Who,’ Neville boasted, flexing his perfectly-toned muscles. ‘Those mallows really are brilliant. Did you know’ - his eyes met Lavender’s and lingered there - ‘that they’re made from magical plants?’
4
Bloomsbury have now issued several writs and wish it to be known that the seventh and final Harry Potter book will be called Harry Potter and the Saintly Halos.
From Chapter Six Hundred and Seventy-Four, From Here to Eternity
‘We’re all dead, aren’t we?’ asked Harry, rather rhetorically. He was sitting on a fluffy cloud with a harp under his arm, and his robes were of white samite.
‘You’ve got a halo, Harry!’ cried Hermione, impressed. ‘Did you know that not everyone has a halo when they die? It says in Heaven: A History that halos are reserved for people who have died heroically.’
‘But you have one too,’ Harry pointed out. ‘And so does Ron.’
‘Professor McGonagall doesn’t,’ Hermione said.
‘Probably because she missed most of the final battle,’ said Ron. ‘She does have tartan wings, though. I bet that’s a privilege. Ours are just white and feathery.’
Luna examined her wings thoughtfully. ‘Dad was wrong,’ she said, a bit indignantly, ‘they’re not made of Blibbering Humdinger feathers! Pity he isn’t here,’ she added, her lower lip trembling slightly...
5
JKR also considered the following options:
Harry Potter and the Silly Harlots
Parvati, Ginny and Cho had used their collective imaginations to wonderful effect: the Room of Requirement now looked like a Parisian brothel at the end of the nineteenth century, all red plush, gilt and big, bouncy beds.
‘But it’s not a brothel, Harry!’ said Ginny, raising her wand. ‘If you dare call it that again I’ll put a Bat Bogey Hex on you. It’s a space for rest and relaxation.’
‘Think of it as an alternative battleground,’ Cho chimed in. ‘For all the poor guys fighting in the final conflict.’
‘And girls.’
‘Well, yeah, them too.’
*
Harry Potter and the Wealthy Fellows
‘Want to buy your way out of the prophecy?’ Slughorn’s hot breath showed white in the chill air of the Quidditch pitch. ‘I can help you, Harry. Just say the word.’
*
Harry Potter and the Wonderful Slashy Story of the Marauders Harry Potter and the Fleshly Wallows
End