complicated
complicated
Changmin, Yunho, Jaejoong (Homin and Jaeho, Jaemin friendship)
Angstish, Romance; PG
There's something about Yunho that Changmin likes, but there's something about Jaejoong that Yunho likes.
I'm finally starting to finish putting my oldfic in here. Sorry for any inconvenience. :)
And this is for yuxo. :D
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1.
Changmin likes Yunho. He likes Yunho's laugh and the shape his eyes take when he smiles and his sweetness and thoughtful nature. He especially likes the way he dances and when he defends someone he cares about and the soft fall of his eyelashes on his cheeks when he sleeps (not that Changmin has been watching). It's not a big deal, because he likes Yunho only a little more than the others. They can't blame him; everyone has a favourite.
2.
It's unfortunate for Changmin that Yunho's favourite is Jaejoong. Changmin thinks he might be able to see why - Jaejoong's likable, too, and if it weren't Yunho for Changmin, who knows, it might have been Jaejoong. Jaejoong's got a contagious laugh and a nice smile and a pretty face and an endearing nature and he can cook, but the thing is, he's not Yunho. He's not Yunho, so he's not Changmin's favourite.
3.
Changmin's never been the talkative type, so he watches them quietly - watches Junsu's favourite be Yoochun and Yoochun's favourite be Junsu, watches them like each other more than they like anyone else, and wishes that he could have that. He has so much, he should be grateful, he thinks - but that's human nature, wanting more and more and more because you can never get sick of wanting, but you can go insane from it. Changmin wonders whether he will when he watches them quietly - watches Jaejoong laugh that pretty laugh of his and twist Yunho around in circles around his heart, wind him tightly so it'll be hard for him to untie himself. Changmin is horrified when he realizes that Yunho is Jaejoong's favourite, too, because maybe Changmin likes Yunho more than just a little more than he likes the others. He's never been good at lying, even to himself.
4.
Hyung, he says one night when Jaejoong's taken Yoochun's car out and Yoochun and Junsu with him because they're afraid of letting him wreck it. They're gone to get pizza, watch a movie, whatever it is - Changmin doesn't care. He's got his heart in his throat and he can't get the words past the lump no matter how hard he tries. Yunho's looking at him, patient as only Yunho can be, and he asks, very gently, what is it? For some reason, his words grip the heart that's in Changmin's throat and it flutters even harder than before and he tries to swallow it away. He stares into Yunho's concerned face and thinks that there is a word for this feeling, but he's not quite ready to name it yet, even though he thinks it might have just gotten stronger. No naming it, no labels. It's safer this way.
5.
(But really, it isn't safe at all because even if he doesn't name it, it's still there, still holding on to him the same way despair does, tightening itself over him until he’s choking or breathless or both. And maybe it is what Changmin knows it is, but a little bit of despair, too, because he knows this is hopeless, knows it as well as he knows Yunho is in love with Jaejoong and Changmin is in love with Yunho. There, he has accepted it; perhaps now it will be a little less painful.)
6.
Yunho's looking at him with wide eyes now, and Changmin thinks, shit, because maybe he's whispered it out loud or shouted it out loud, and either way, Yunho is looking at Changmin like he knows. Changmin thinks it's a good thing his heart's back where it's supposed to be, but the thing is, it feels like it has stopped beating and maybe that's not such a good thing. He's in love with Yunho and Yunho's in love with Jaejoong and Changmin wonders, briefly, irrationally, if this is how painful dying is.
7.
Then Changmin hears something that sounds like I'm sorry, because Changmin must have said that he’s in love with Yunho out loud after all, and Changmin's horrified at the lump in his throat again that isn't his heart, but tears. The worse part is, Changmin thinks, trying to look at anything but Yunho - the worst part is, Changmin knows that if that is what Yunho said, he means it, in the earnest, sincere way Yunho has. He means it, and Changmin can't even hate him, and now it's over, it's all over, because he's done it, broken up years of friendship.
8.
Changmin thinks that maybe he's signed himself up for a fate worse than dying (a life without Yunho might be, he believes; he never would have thought that he might think something as dramatic as this is because it's the kind of thing people like Yoochun say). But then he sees something out of the corner of his eye - a shock of platinum blond hair that's distinctly Jaejoong, and he turns around on instinct. Jaejoong's got an unreadable look on his face and Junsu and Yoochun are nowhere to be seen; he's standing in the doorway, looking at Yunho, and Yunho's looking at the floor like he's been caught stealing cookies, and Changmin feels like there's something he's missed (the lump in his throat's been forgotten).
Jaejoong pulls Yunho into the kitchen abruptly and Changmin's left alone in front of the muted television, and he sits down heavily (tortured by thoughts of what they're doing now, lips on heated skin and hands everywhere, and oh God, there's the lump again). But no, he's wrong - he hears furious whispering instead and he sits up, trying his hardest to listen, but then Jaejoong's pulling Yunho back to where Changmin is and Changmin tries his hardest to look like he wasn't trying to listen. Jaejoong pushes Yunho forward very suddenly and Yunho pinwheels, trying to keep balance but failing, and he falls onto Changmin. Changmin's left with his face pressed into a bit of Yunho's hair and Yunho's face pressed into his neck and he wonders what the hell Jaejoong's doing. Jaejoong says, I think it's time you guys get it together, and leaves before Changmin can decode what he's said. It's not really complicated but for some reason his brain's stuck on repeat, the look that Jaejoong had on face when he said that replaying again and again in Changmin's mind. Changmin's never been good with understanding Jaejoong.
9.
Yunho hasn't moved and Changmin can feel his lips moving, and he's saying something, and Changmin pulls him off, holding him by his shoulders and trying to look at his eyes, but Yunho won't look at him. There's the lightest blush on his face and Changmin refuses to hope, refuses to think -
Yunho's lips are moving again and at last Changmin catches what he's saying, but when he does he doesn't believe it. (I like you, IlikeyouIlikeyouIlikeyou.) It's not the way he thinks it is supposed to be - he is supposed to be left miserable, half-empty, but here he is, getting a chance to have the happy ending he has always wished for. He wonders what he's done to deserve this.
10.
Yunho's hugging him now because Changmin's said it, too, without realizing, and Yunho's happy so Changmin's happy, but Changmin's thinking, trying to figure out when it was that he started seeing things wrong (wasn't he supposed to be the smart one?). Because he was wrong - Yunho isn’t in love with Jaejoong. There’s a feeling nagging at the back of his mind, though, like he’s forgotten something vital.
11.
He sees Jaejoong peeking out of the kitchen and Changmin's startled because Jaejoong has the look again, and he's looking at Changmin like he's trying to tell him something, and even though Changmin's never been good at understanding Jaejoong, he hears what Jaejoong's trying to say. (Take care of him.) And it's then that he sees it all, crystal clear like he's had glasses with the wrong prescription all his life and they are gone, suddenly, to be replaced with the right ones.
Jaejoong is Yunho's favourite, but that’s because he is his best friend. Yunho is Jaejoong's favourite because...
Changmin's looking at Jaejoong, questioning. Jaejoong smiles.
Because.
12.
He corners Jaejoong in the kitchen when nobody's around. Why? he asks quietly, and even though Changmin's never really understood Jaejoong, Jaejoong's always understood him. He doesn’t need to ask what Changmin is talking about.
Because I want my friends to be happy, says Jaejoong simply.
Changmin thinks he doesn't deserve this much when he's always been selfish, wanting more than he should have, when it is Jaejoong that deserves everything Changmin has and more. He doesn't know what to say, knows how meaningless a thank you can sound, but he says it anyway. (Thank you.)
And Jaejoong's smiling at him again, accepting it when he can be bitter, and Changmin realizes that it's like nothing's changed because this is what they exist for - to breathe for each other when one of them forgets how, to forgive and forget and move on. It's not easy, Changmin knows, but it's Jaejoong - if anyone can pull himself up, it's Jaejoong. Changmin realizes, then, that this is a side of Jaejoong he rarely shows anyone else, and he also realizes that Jaejoong is kind of like the person, had Changmin met him when he was a child, Changmin would say he wanted to be like when he grew up. He's crying, suddenly, crying for his hyung even though he knows there's nothing to cry about, because Jaejoong's stronger than he is.
Thank you, he says again, hoping that it will help get across some amount of the overwhelming feeling in his chest, and Jaejoong laces his fingers through Changmin's fingers as though nothing has changed, because truly, nothing has. He wipes away Changmin's tears, smiles and says, you're welcome.
2008-07-03
Changmin, Yunho, Jaejoong (Homin and Jaeho, Jaemin friendship)
Angstish, Romance; PG
There's something about Yunho that Changmin likes, but there's something about Jaejoong that Yunho likes.
I'm finally starting to finish putting my oldfic in here. Sorry for any inconvenience. :)
And this is for yuxo. :D
-
1.
Changmin likes Yunho. He likes Yunho's laugh and the shape his eyes take when he smiles and his sweetness and thoughtful nature. He especially likes the way he dances and when he defends someone he cares about and the soft fall of his eyelashes on his cheeks when he sleeps (not that Changmin has been watching). It's not a big deal, because he likes Yunho only a little more than the others. They can't blame him; everyone has a favourite.
2.
It's unfortunate for Changmin that Yunho's favourite is Jaejoong. Changmin thinks he might be able to see why - Jaejoong's likable, too, and if it weren't Yunho for Changmin, who knows, it might have been Jaejoong. Jaejoong's got a contagious laugh and a nice smile and a pretty face and an endearing nature and he can cook, but the thing is, he's not Yunho. He's not Yunho, so he's not Changmin's favourite.
3.
Changmin's never been the talkative type, so he watches them quietly - watches Junsu's favourite be Yoochun and Yoochun's favourite be Junsu, watches them like each other more than they like anyone else, and wishes that he could have that. He has so much, he should be grateful, he thinks - but that's human nature, wanting more and more and more because you can never get sick of wanting, but you can go insane from it. Changmin wonders whether he will when he watches them quietly - watches Jaejoong laugh that pretty laugh of his and twist Yunho around in circles around his heart, wind him tightly so it'll be hard for him to untie himself. Changmin is horrified when he realizes that Yunho is Jaejoong's favourite, too, because maybe Changmin likes Yunho more than just a little more than he likes the others. He's never been good at lying, even to himself.
4.
Hyung, he says one night when Jaejoong's taken Yoochun's car out and Yoochun and Junsu with him because they're afraid of letting him wreck it. They're gone to get pizza, watch a movie, whatever it is - Changmin doesn't care. He's got his heart in his throat and he can't get the words past the lump no matter how hard he tries. Yunho's looking at him, patient as only Yunho can be, and he asks, very gently, what is it? For some reason, his words grip the heart that's in Changmin's throat and it flutters even harder than before and he tries to swallow it away. He stares into Yunho's concerned face and thinks that there is a word for this feeling, but he's not quite ready to name it yet, even though he thinks it might have just gotten stronger. No naming it, no labels. It's safer this way.
5.
(But really, it isn't safe at all because even if he doesn't name it, it's still there, still holding on to him the same way despair does, tightening itself over him until he’s choking or breathless or both. And maybe it is what Changmin knows it is, but a little bit of despair, too, because he knows this is hopeless, knows it as well as he knows Yunho is in love with Jaejoong and Changmin is in love with Yunho. There, he has accepted it; perhaps now it will be a little less painful.)
6.
Yunho's looking at him with wide eyes now, and Changmin thinks, shit, because maybe he's whispered it out loud or shouted it out loud, and either way, Yunho is looking at Changmin like he knows. Changmin thinks it's a good thing his heart's back where it's supposed to be, but the thing is, it feels like it has stopped beating and maybe that's not such a good thing. He's in love with Yunho and Yunho's in love with Jaejoong and Changmin wonders, briefly, irrationally, if this is how painful dying is.
7.
Then Changmin hears something that sounds like I'm sorry, because Changmin must have said that he’s in love with Yunho out loud after all, and Changmin's horrified at the lump in his throat again that isn't his heart, but tears. The worse part is, Changmin thinks, trying to look at anything but Yunho - the worst part is, Changmin knows that if that is what Yunho said, he means it, in the earnest, sincere way Yunho has. He means it, and Changmin can't even hate him, and now it's over, it's all over, because he's done it, broken up years of friendship.
8.
Changmin thinks that maybe he's signed himself up for a fate worse than dying (a life without Yunho might be, he believes; he never would have thought that he might think something as dramatic as this is because it's the kind of thing people like Yoochun say). But then he sees something out of the corner of his eye - a shock of platinum blond hair that's distinctly Jaejoong, and he turns around on instinct. Jaejoong's got an unreadable look on his face and Junsu and Yoochun are nowhere to be seen; he's standing in the doorway, looking at Yunho, and Yunho's looking at the floor like he's been caught stealing cookies, and Changmin feels like there's something he's missed (the lump in his throat's been forgotten).
Jaejoong pulls Yunho into the kitchen abruptly and Changmin's left alone in front of the muted television, and he sits down heavily (tortured by thoughts of what they're doing now, lips on heated skin and hands everywhere, and oh God, there's the lump again). But no, he's wrong - he hears furious whispering instead and he sits up, trying his hardest to listen, but then Jaejoong's pulling Yunho back to where Changmin is and Changmin tries his hardest to look like he wasn't trying to listen. Jaejoong pushes Yunho forward very suddenly and Yunho pinwheels, trying to keep balance but failing, and he falls onto Changmin. Changmin's left with his face pressed into a bit of Yunho's hair and Yunho's face pressed into his neck and he wonders what the hell Jaejoong's doing. Jaejoong says, I think it's time you guys get it together, and leaves before Changmin can decode what he's said. It's not really complicated but for some reason his brain's stuck on repeat, the look that Jaejoong had on face when he said that replaying again and again in Changmin's mind. Changmin's never been good with understanding Jaejoong.
9.
Yunho hasn't moved and Changmin can feel his lips moving, and he's saying something, and Changmin pulls him off, holding him by his shoulders and trying to look at his eyes, but Yunho won't look at him. There's the lightest blush on his face and Changmin refuses to hope, refuses to think -
Yunho's lips are moving again and at last Changmin catches what he's saying, but when he does he doesn't believe it. (I like you, IlikeyouIlikeyouIlikeyou.) It's not the way he thinks it is supposed to be - he is supposed to be left miserable, half-empty, but here he is, getting a chance to have the happy ending he has always wished for. He wonders what he's done to deserve this.
10.
Yunho's hugging him now because Changmin's said it, too, without realizing, and Yunho's happy so Changmin's happy, but Changmin's thinking, trying to figure out when it was that he started seeing things wrong (wasn't he supposed to be the smart one?). Because he was wrong - Yunho isn’t in love with Jaejoong. There’s a feeling nagging at the back of his mind, though, like he’s forgotten something vital.
11.
He sees Jaejoong peeking out of the kitchen and Changmin's startled because Jaejoong has the look again, and he's looking at Changmin like he's trying to tell him something, and even though Changmin's never been good at understanding Jaejoong, he hears what Jaejoong's trying to say. (Take care of him.) And it's then that he sees it all, crystal clear like he's had glasses with the wrong prescription all his life and they are gone, suddenly, to be replaced with the right ones.
Jaejoong is Yunho's favourite, but that’s because he is his best friend. Yunho is Jaejoong's favourite because...
Changmin's looking at Jaejoong, questioning. Jaejoong smiles.
Because.
12.
He corners Jaejoong in the kitchen when nobody's around. Why? he asks quietly, and even though Changmin's never really understood Jaejoong, Jaejoong's always understood him. He doesn’t need to ask what Changmin is talking about.
Because I want my friends to be happy, says Jaejoong simply.
Changmin thinks he doesn't deserve this much when he's always been selfish, wanting more than he should have, when it is Jaejoong that deserves everything Changmin has and more. He doesn't know what to say, knows how meaningless a thank you can sound, but he says it anyway. (Thank you.)
And Jaejoong's smiling at him again, accepting it when he can be bitter, and Changmin realizes that it's like nothing's changed because this is what they exist for - to breathe for each other when one of them forgets how, to forgive and forget and move on. It's not easy, Changmin knows, but it's Jaejoong - if anyone can pull himself up, it's Jaejoong. Changmin realizes, then, that this is a side of Jaejoong he rarely shows anyone else, and he also realizes that Jaejoong is kind of like the person, had Changmin met him when he was a child, Changmin would say he wanted to be like when he grew up. He's crying, suddenly, crying for his hyung even though he knows there's nothing to cry about, because Jaejoong's stronger than he is.
Thank you, he says again, hoping that it will help get across some amount of the overwhelming feeling in his chest, and Jaejoong laces his fingers through Changmin's fingers as though nothing has changed, because truly, nothing has. He wipes away Changmin's tears, smiles and says, you're welcome.
2008-07-03