Run Forward, Look Back
Title: Run Forward, Look Back
Fandom: Super Junior/After School
Pairing (If you wish to call it that): Leeteuk/Lizzy
Rating: G
Word Count: 2223
Summary: It's been hard.
“No, unnie, I don’t think I can.”
Jungah squeezed her eye shut as she gripped her dongsaeng’s shoulder. The cameras were rolling and the performance currently happening on stage was drawing to a close; after the following performance, they were up. “Yes, you can. I know you’re finding this hard, and it is for all of us, but I know you’ll be all right.”
Sooyoung shook her off and stalked past.
Park Jungsoo had heard the quiet scene from a few yards away, eyebrows raised as Lizzy pushed by with an almost whispered “Excuse me, sunbaenim.”
Jungah, newly appointed leader, rushed to go get her back, but was too late. “Lizzy-ah!” she called. Sooyoung had disappeared, probably behind a curtain or one of the many waiting rooms. She sighed and turned to Leeteuk.
“I’m so sorry, I should have stopped her before she crashed into you.” She’s really anxious, she wanted to say, but that was no excuse for not taking care of her member.
Leeteuk pulled at the sides of his jacket, smiling. “I just hope she wasn’t hurt by our stage style,” he said, poking at the studs on his shoulders.
Jungah smiled, trying to cover up her nervousness. She looked down the direction Lizzy had gone, and said quietly, “I should go get her.”
Before she could head off, Leeteuk caught her lightly and shook his head. “As leader, you should be with the rest of your members. We don’t have to worry about ourselves at the moment, so I’ll look for her. You can go.”
Though they were the same age and he didn’t speak formally, his tone was stern. Jungah raised an eyebrow, a little taken aback, but listened. She knew she could take care of her Sooyoung, but considering the situation, what could this hurt? Leeteuk was also a leader, and though they rarely connected with Super Junior, she knew he was a good one.
“Ok. Do you think you can find her by the time we’re on?”
Jungsoo nodded and began to walk away, glancing back with a wave. “Of course. Good luck.”
Finding himself walking down the hallways of the studio, Leeteuk wondered what he had just done. Of course, he had been obligated to stop Jungah from getting distracted, but he had no idea where her group member could have gone, and even if he found her, by the looks of the situation he would have to talk to her. That will be the hardest thing, he thought, knowing full well the status of his relationship with the missing girl: virtually nonexistent.
He found her standing in an indent made in the wall for a water fountain. Her back was straight, eyes were closed, and her hands were folded together. She was breathing deeply.
Recalling her name, Leeteuk tapped her shoulder. “Lizzy-sshi?”
She jumped, making a small squeak. Her mouth made a small ‘o’ as she realized who had tapped her.
“Oh, sunbaenim! Sunbaenim, sorry I shoved you earlier, I didn’t mean to, really-”
“Lizzy-sshi, you should go back. Your members will be worried, and your performance is next. You don’t want to miss it, right?”
Sooyoung poked her head out into the hallway and spoke quickly. “Sunbaenim, isn’t it troublesome if you come back here? Won’t your members look for you? You should go, go.” She pushed him with her fingertips in an attempt to make him hurry, taking Leeteuk by surprise.
“Lizzy-sshi!” he said, batting away her small hands.
She blushed, realizing her place, and kept her eyes low as Jungsoo crossed his arms and looked down at her. “Sorry, sunbaenim.”
“Lizzy-sshi, I promised Jungah that I would have you back before you were on. It would be disrespectful of me to break that promise, and disrespectful of you not to be on stage when you promised your members, the producers, and the audience that you would be.”
Lizzy fidgeted. “But, sunbaenim, you…”
“Yes?”
She whispered. “You don’t understand the situation…”
Keeping his stance, Leeteuk decided to bite. If he had to convince this girl with words, he’d do it; he’d rather not have dragged her onstage. “Well, fine. Explain it to me so I will understand, then.”
Lizzy looked up, her mouth again in that ‘o’. She looked as if she was going to say something, then put her head back down and stayed silent. Leeteuk began tapping his foot.
“Well… It’s kind of… Jungah unnie wouldn’t want me to…”
“What Jungah wants is for you to do your best in performing. If you’re going to follow what Jungah wants, then you should go right now.”
Lizzy looked up at him with wide eyes, and Jungsoo was almost sorry. He wasn’t her leader. She was nine years younger, not as experienced as he, and was obviously troubled. But he had made a promise.
“Lizzy-sshi…”
She spoke quietly, just loud enough for him to hear. “Truthfully, sunbaenim… Today, I just… I don’t think I can perform well without Kahi unnie here…”
Leeteuk registered this, remembering the conditions of the “only group in South Korea with a graduating system”.
“Are you saying that without Kahi, After School can’t do very well?”
“No, no! Not at all! That’s definitely not what I’m saying, sunbaenim, I hope you don’t believe I would think that!” She denied it in such a way that Leeteuk regretted implying it.
“What are you saying, then?”
Lizzy pressed her hands to her cheeks. “Ugh, really, this is so…”
After taking a deep breath and looking up at the ceiling, she said, “Of course it’s me that I’m worried about. The others I know have also been upset, but they've still been doing well, but me...I practiced and practiced-I’m still so nervous, I don’t know why.”
“Are your members not being supportive enough? Do you think Jungah isn’t doing a good job?”
“No! No, of course they’re supportive, of course Jungah is doing very well!” Lizzy shook her head vigorously, and Leeteuk decided to stop bringing her group into this before the girl exploded.
But after a minute, Lizzy spoke again, her tone now monotonous. “I should just go, right? I should just go on stage? Even though it doesn’t feel right? Even though I know I’ll mess everything up?”
Leeteuk’s eyes flashed, seeing that the attitude of an idol had gone out in her. The mentoring side of Jungsoo took hold. He felt the urge to grab her shoulders, bit instead only spoke firmly. “Nobody says you’re going to mess up. Even without a member, you should be able to very well if you’ve practiced as much as you said you have.”
“It’s not the matter of a member simply being absent, sunbaenim.”
Leeteuk blinked. What was he seeing right now in this girl? The expression, the tone…
On his own members many times before.
“I think I get it.”
Lizzy gave a low laugh.
“I don’t think so, sunbaen-”
“Lizzy, I don’t know what your relationship was with Kahi. You’re right, I don’t truly understand what you’re going through right now because I don’t truly understand how much she meant to you.”
No outsider could ever understand.
“But I know for sure that she was a friend. A precious friend.”
At the very, very least.
Lizzy saw something drop to the floor onto her shoe. A bead of water.
Of course, Kahi was more than just that. Though she was still part of the company, she before had been not only the leader, but also a sister, a mother, and everything that went with the title of ‘member’. This was Lizzy’s second loss; the fact that she had experienced this before only made this time worse. She had known it was bound to happen at some point, but now that the group had come to that point, she had been having more than a difficult time accepting it.
“The fact is, I know what it feels like to lose a precious friend. No longer being with someone who was close as family, it feels as if a part of you is missing, right? Like a body part has been torn off.”
You no longer feel whole.
Leeteuk tried to swallow a lump in his throat.
Lizzy nodded. She squeezed her fingers together, trying to keep herself from rubbing her eyes and ruining her makeup more than it already was.
“Lizzy-sshi… I know. Saying that it’s hard can hardly begin to describe the circumstances.”
It’s far more devastating than that.
Lizzy nodded again.
Leeteuk sighed, shaking his head side to side to clear it. He had lost brothers. They hadn’t completely disappeared, and he was glad to know they were doing okay, but the bond he had had with them was incredibly special. Group members were meant to depend on each other, to grow with each other. Eventually their lives would become so intertwined that it would seem like they would always be together.
Losing that kind of relationship had been scarring for him, more than once. Being cut off from a person with whom he shared that kind of bond had been a painful, painful thing.
Looking at Lizzy, Jungsoo knew.
We both feel that pain.
She finally looked up, and was puzzled to see the state that Leeteuk was in.
“Sunbaenim…?”
Leeteuk wasn’t crying, though his eyes were a bit wet, but his face was pale and his expression was blank; he suddenly felt very numb. Thinking about his own group, he wondered if his members were still currently feeling the way this dongsaeng-and now, he-was feeling.
“Y-yes?” he stammered, the cloudiness in his eyes clearing.
“You’re right, about everything that you mentioned. I get what the problem is now, but… I don’t know what to do about it.”
Leeteuk raised an eyebrow. So in the end, she needed advice. He felt in no mood to give any anymore, but he knew he had to; so when he began, the rest tumbled out, reassuring the both of them.
“There’s something missing from your life right now, right? I can’t say that you’ll ever forget or get over what you’re feeling, but I know that despite it, you can go out there and do your best and continue to improve. When I say that, and when your group says that, we don’t just say it because we want you on stage. We say it because it’s true.”
Tonight we’ll both try our hardest.
“You’re very talented, Lizzy-sshi.”
He had never really focused on her performance, but he had felt compelled to say it.
Sooyoung’s face brightened, and she looked surprised. “Really? Do you think so?”
Jungsoo nodded slowly, almost astonished by her expression.
“Ah, you too, sunbaenim!” She smiled widely with her eyes, and Jungsoo paused, trying to mentally shake off her painfully bright aegyo.
“Thank you, but-listen, Lizzy-sshi.” He cleared his throat.
“It’s not about soldiering on through struggles. It’s about taking everything that you’ve experienced, the love from everyone you’ve ever met, and putting it into your performance. Do you remember what you learned from your members?”
Lizzy nodded.
“Well, then. Fighting.” He held up his fist. Lizzy did the same. “Fighting!” she said, now grinning.
Jungsoo watched her run down the hall towards the stage, her long hair flouncing behind her. He was surprisingly calm. After so many years, he was always still a bit jittery before performances, but now he felt relaxed; his own racing heart had slowed and whatever qualms he had had before were gone. Something had washed over him while talking to Lizzy. Thinking about his last words to the child about to make her appearance, he knew he had all fifteen of his boys with him tonight.
Leeteuk was confused when Sooyoung suddenly stopped in her tracks and turned around.
“Sunbaenim, I’m glad that you understand. Thank you, and good luck tonight.”
She bowed deeply. Then she was gone.
--
Later that night, Jungsoo was on the computer, watching the quickly uploaded videos from the showcase they had appeared on that night.
Hyukjae came up in front of him. Putting his hands on both sides of the keyboard, he bent his head and looked at the screen from upside-down. “Oh, hyung… Are you looking at our performance from earlier?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah…”
Jungsoo paused the video in the middle of “Flashback” so he could talk to Eunhyuk. Lizzy stood front and center.
“After School? Hey, hyungI didn’t know you were a big fan! I think it’s been a while… Remember when they came on Sukira and-Woah!”
Leeteuk had put his arms around Eunhyuk’s shoulders and was holding him tight. Letting go after a few seconds, Jungsoo put his hands the other man’s shoulders.
Eunhyuk smiled. “What was that for, hyung?”
Leeteuk spoke seriously, looking into Hyukjae’s eyes. “You all did really well tonight. You worked really hard. I’m proud of you guys.”
Hyukjae smiled brightly. Though the skinship had been a little surprising, he already knew that Leeteuk was happy for his group.
“You, too, hyung. We’re very proud of you, too.”
Leeteuk sat back down. “Thank you. Good night, Hyukjae.”
“Good night, hyung.”
Leeteuk waited until the door closed before he un-paused the video. As he watched, he smiled as he noticed one specific star on the stage shining particularly bright.
A/N: To be honest, writing this felt a little weird for me but it also felt good to get it out; it's something that's been in my head since Kahi's graduation, maybe earlier, regarding Super Junior. I really wish I could've written something more romantic for this pairing because there's a special flame in my heart that BURNS for crack ships TT Sharing their feelings is enough, I s'pose.
... Also, Leeteuk's being a bit of a hardass here, wow oops o_o
Fandom: Super Junior/After School
Pairing (If you wish to call it that): Leeteuk/Lizzy
Rating: G
Word Count: 2223
Summary: It's been hard.
“No, unnie, I don’t think I can.”
Jungah squeezed her eye shut as she gripped her dongsaeng’s shoulder. The cameras were rolling and the performance currently happening on stage was drawing to a close; after the following performance, they were up. “Yes, you can. I know you’re finding this hard, and it is for all of us, but I know you’ll be all right.”
Sooyoung shook her off and stalked past.
Park Jungsoo had heard the quiet scene from a few yards away, eyebrows raised as Lizzy pushed by with an almost whispered “Excuse me, sunbaenim.”
Jungah, newly appointed leader, rushed to go get her back, but was too late. “Lizzy-ah!” she called. Sooyoung had disappeared, probably behind a curtain or one of the many waiting rooms. She sighed and turned to Leeteuk.
“I’m so sorry, I should have stopped her before she crashed into you.” She’s really anxious, she wanted to say, but that was no excuse for not taking care of her member.
Leeteuk pulled at the sides of his jacket, smiling. “I just hope she wasn’t hurt by our stage style,” he said, poking at the studs on his shoulders.
Jungah smiled, trying to cover up her nervousness. She looked down the direction Lizzy had gone, and said quietly, “I should go get her.”
Before she could head off, Leeteuk caught her lightly and shook his head. “As leader, you should be with the rest of your members. We don’t have to worry about ourselves at the moment, so I’ll look for her. You can go.”
Though they were the same age and he didn’t speak formally, his tone was stern. Jungah raised an eyebrow, a little taken aback, but listened. She knew she could take care of her Sooyoung, but considering the situation, what could this hurt? Leeteuk was also a leader, and though they rarely connected with Super Junior, she knew he was a good one.
“Ok. Do you think you can find her by the time we’re on?”
Jungsoo nodded and began to walk away, glancing back with a wave. “Of course. Good luck.”
Finding himself walking down the hallways of the studio, Leeteuk wondered what he had just done. Of course, he had been obligated to stop Jungah from getting distracted, but he had no idea where her group member could have gone, and even if he found her, by the looks of the situation he would have to talk to her. That will be the hardest thing, he thought, knowing full well the status of his relationship with the missing girl: virtually nonexistent.
He found her standing in an indent made in the wall for a water fountain. Her back was straight, eyes were closed, and her hands were folded together. She was breathing deeply.
Recalling her name, Leeteuk tapped her shoulder. “Lizzy-sshi?”
She jumped, making a small squeak. Her mouth made a small ‘o’ as she realized who had tapped her.
“Oh, sunbaenim! Sunbaenim, sorry I shoved you earlier, I didn’t mean to, really-”
“Lizzy-sshi, you should go back. Your members will be worried, and your performance is next. You don’t want to miss it, right?”
Sooyoung poked her head out into the hallway and spoke quickly. “Sunbaenim, isn’t it troublesome if you come back here? Won’t your members look for you? You should go, go.” She pushed him with her fingertips in an attempt to make him hurry, taking Leeteuk by surprise.
“Lizzy-sshi!” he said, batting away her small hands.
She blushed, realizing her place, and kept her eyes low as Jungsoo crossed his arms and looked down at her. “Sorry, sunbaenim.”
“Lizzy-sshi, I promised Jungah that I would have you back before you were on. It would be disrespectful of me to break that promise, and disrespectful of you not to be on stage when you promised your members, the producers, and the audience that you would be.”
Lizzy fidgeted. “But, sunbaenim, you…”
“Yes?”
She whispered. “You don’t understand the situation…”
Keeping his stance, Leeteuk decided to bite. If he had to convince this girl with words, he’d do it; he’d rather not have dragged her onstage. “Well, fine. Explain it to me so I will understand, then.”
Lizzy looked up, her mouth again in that ‘o’. She looked as if she was going to say something, then put her head back down and stayed silent. Leeteuk began tapping his foot.
“Well… It’s kind of… Jungah unnie wouldn’t want me to…”
“What Jungah wants is for you to do your best in performing. If you’re going to follow what Jungah wants, then you should go right now.”
Lizzy looked up at him with wide eyes, and Jungsoo was almost sorry. He wasn’t her leader. She was nine years younger, not as experienced as he, and was obviously troubled. But he had made a promise.
“Lizzy-sshi…”
She spoke quietly, just loud enough for him to hear. “Truthfully, sunbaenim… Today, I just… I don’t think I can perform well without Kahi unnie here…”
Leeteuk registered this, remembering the conditions of the “only group in South Korea with a graduating system”.
“Are you saying that without Kahi, After School can’t do very well?”
“No, no! Not at all! That’s definitely not what I’m saying, sunbaenim, I hope you don’t believe I would think that!” She denied it in such a way that Leeteuk regretted implying it.
“What are you saying, then?”
Lizzy pressed her hands to her cheeks. “Ugh, really, this is so…”
After taking a deep breath and looking up at the ceiling, she said, “Of course it’s me that I’m worried about. The others I know have also been upset, but they've still been doing well, but me...I practiced and practiced-I’m still so nervous, I don’t know why.”
“Are your members not being supportive enough? Do you think Jungah isn’t doing a good job?”
“No! No, of course they’re supportive, of course Jungah is doing very well!” Lizzy shook her head vigorously, and Leeteuk decided to stop bringing her group into this before the girl exploded.
But after a minute, Lizzy spoke again, her tone now monotonous. “I should just go, right? I should just go on stage? Even though it doesn’t feel right? Even though I know I’ll mess everything up?”
Leeteuk’s eyes flashed, seeing that the attitude of an idol had gone out in her. The mentoring side of Jungsoo took hold. He felt the urge to grab her shoulders, bit instead only spoke firmly. “Nobody says you’re going to mess up. Even without a member, you should be able to very well if you’ve practiced as much as you said you have.”
“It’s not the matter of a member simply being absent, sunbaenim.”
Leeteuk blinked. What was he seeing right now in this girl? The expression, the tone…
On his own members many times before.
“I think I get it.”
Lizzy gave a low laugh.
“I don’t think so, sunbaen-”
“Lizzy, I don’t know what your relationship was with Kahi. You’re right, I don’t truly understand what you’re going through right now because I don’t truly understand how much she meant to you.”
No outsider could ever understand.
“But I know for sure that she was a friend. A precious friend.”
At the very, very least.
Lizzy saw something drop to the floor onto her shoe. A bead of water.
Of course, Kahi was more than just that. Though she was still part of the company, she before had been not only the leader, but also a sister, a mother, and everything that went with the title of ‘member’. This was Lizzy’s second loss; the fact that she had experienced this before only made this time worse. She had known it was bound to happen at some point, but now that the group had come to that point, she had been having more than a difficult time accepting it.
“The fact is, I know what it feels like to lose a precious friend. No longer being with someone who was close as family, it feels as if a part of you is missing, right? Like a body part has been torn off.”
You no longer feel whole.
Leeteuk tried to swallow a lump in his throat.
Lizzy nodded. She squeezed her fingers together, trying to keep herself from rubbing her eyes and ruining her makeup more than it already was.
“Lizzy-sshi… I know. Saying that it’s hard can hardly begin to describe the circumstances.”
It’s far more devastating than that.
Lizzy nodded again.
Leeteuk sighed, shaking his head side to side to clear it. He had lost brothers. They hadn’t completely disappeared, and he was glad to know they were doing okay, but the bond he had had with them was incredibly special. Group members were meant to depend on each other, to grow with each other. Eventually their lives would become so intertwined that it would seem like they would always be together.
Losing that kind of relationship had been scarring for him, more than once. Being cut off from a person with whom he shared that kind of bond had been a painful, painful thing.
Looking at Lizzy, Jungsoo knew.
We both feel that pain.
She finally looked up, and was puzzled to see the state that Leeteuk was in.
“Sunbaenim…?”
Leeteuk wasn’t crying, though his eyes were a bit wet, but his face was pale and his expression was blank; he suddenly felt very numb. Thinking about his own group, he wondered if his members were still currently feeling the way this dongsaeng-and now, he-was feeling.
“Y-yes?” he stammered, the cloudiness in his eyes clearing.
“You’re right, about everything that you mentioned. I get what the problem is now, but… I don’t know what to do about it.”
Leeteuk raised an eyebrow. So in the end, she needed advice. He felt in no mood to give any anymore, but he knew he had to; so when he began, the rest tumbled out, reassuring the both of them.
“There’s something missing from your life right now, right? I can’t say that you’ll ever forget or get over what you’re feeling, but I know that despite it, you can go out there and do your best and continue to improve. When I say that, and when your group says that, we don’t just say it because we want you on stage. We say it because it’s true.”
Tonight we’ll both try our hardest.
“You’re very talented, Lizzy-sshi.”
He had never really focused on her performance, but he had felt compelled to say it.
Sooyoung’s face brightened, and she looked surprised. “Really? Do you think so?”
Jungsoo nodded slowly, almost astonished by her expression.
“Ah, you too, sunbaenim!” She smiled widely with her eyes, and Jungsoo paused, trying to mentally shake off her painfully bright aegyo.
“Thank you, but-listen, Lizzy-sshi.” He cleared his throat.
“It’s not about soldiering on through struggles. It’s about taking everything that you’ve experienced, the love from everyone you’ve ever met, and putting it into your performance. Do you remember what you learned from your members?”
Lizzy nodded.
“Well, then. Fighting.” He held up his fist. Lizzy did the same. “Fighting!” she said, now grinning.
Jungsoo watched her run down the hall towards the stage, her long hair flouncing behind her. He was surprisingly calm. After so many years, he was always still a bit jittery before performances, but now he felt relaxed; his own racing heart had slowed and whatever qualms he had had before were gone. Something had washed over him while talking to Lizzy. Thinking about his last words to the child about to make her appearance, he knew he had all fifteen of his boys with him tonight.
Leeteuk was confused when Sooyoung suddenly stopped in her tracks and turned around.
“Sunbaenim, I’m glad that you understand. Thank you, and good luck tonight.”
She bowed deeply. Then she was gone.
--
Later that night, Jungsoo was on the computer, watching the quickly uploaded videos from the showcase they had appeared on that night.
Hyukjae came up in front of him. Putting his hands on both sides of the keyboard, he bent his head and looked at the screen from upside-down. “Oh, hyung… Are you looking at our performance from earlier?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah…”
Jungsoo paused the video in the middle of “Flashback” so he could talk to Eunhyuk. Lizzy stood front and center.
“After School? Hey, hyungI didn’t know you were a big fan! I think it’s been a while… Remember when they came on Sukira and-Woah!”
Leeteuk had put his arms around Eunhyuk’s shoulders and was holding him tight. Letting go after a few seconds, Jungsoo put his hands the other man’s shoulders.
Eunhyuk smiled. “What was that for, hyung?”
Leeteuk spoke seriously, looking into Hyukjae’s eyes. “You all did really well tonight. You worked really hard. I’m proud of you guys.”
Hyukjae smiled brightly. Though the skinship had been a little surprising, he already knew that Leeteuk was happy for his group.
“You, too, hyung. We’re very proud of you, too.”
Leeteuk sat back down. “Thank you. Good night, Hyukjae.”
“Good night, hyung.”
Leeteuk waited until the door closed before he un-paused the video. As he watched, he smiled as he noticed one specific star on the stage shining particularly bright.
A/N: To be honest, writing this felt a little weird for me but it also felt good to get it out; it's something that's been in my head since Kahi's graduation, maybe earlier, regarding Super Junior. I really wish I could've written something more romantic for this pairing because there's a special flame in my heart that BURNS for crack ships TT Sharing their feelings is enough, I s'pose.
... Also, Leeteuk's being a bit of a hardass here, wow oops o_o