{fic} in a place like this
in a place like this, originally the colourless words.
Jin-centric, PG-13. hints at depression and stuff like that.
And you are so lonely that you'd (maybe) like to die.
thomas baudinette if you see this you're a bitch.
Notes: aaah, I don't usually leave notes like these now, but this ended up kind of personal in a way. Let's just say a lot of my feelings are in this fic, I guess. This was meant to be Pin, but it didn't quite turn out that way... But either way, please enjoy! :D
"I can't believe you're going," Yamapi's voice says through the phone. Silence stretches between them awkwardly. Jin isn't quite sure what to say.
He settles for an apology. "I'm sorry," he says. "It...it's only six months."
Yamapi laughs wryly. "Yeah, only six months." He pauses; sighs. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like it was your fault. It's just..."
"You'll miss me," Jin says, smiling even though he really shouldn't. "Won't you?"
"Yeah," Yamapi says. "Yeah, I will. Lots."
--
"You're a fucking douche," Kame tells Jin bluntly.
"I'm sorry," Jin says, and it's all he feels like he knows how to say. "Really, I am."
Kame sighs. "Yeah, I know. Just...just. I don't know. I wish you weren't going this early. I wish you weren't going at all."
"I'm sorry," Jin says again. He'd like to think there's more emotion in his voice this time, because there's definitely more in his heart. (It hurts, he thinks. More than just a bit.)
Kame sighs again. "We'll...well, it won't be the same without you. Have fun," Kame says, and just manages to smile.
"I'll try," Jin replies, trying to sound sincere.
--
One thing that Jin has already discovered about himself is that he really fucking hates planes. Or, rather, the fifteen hour flight from Tokyo to L.A.. It is possibly the longest fifteen hours of his entire life, spent listening to the same music over and over again and playing solitaire with the pack of cards the nice (and rather hot) stewardess gave him on the drop-down tray.
He tries to sleep when they turn off the lights. It doesn't happen.
(He can feel the jet-lag already.)
--
Jin usually isn't one to be scared of new situations, but he is really freaked out for his first day of classes. He's running on a grand total of three hours of sleep, he's afraid he'll get lost or they'll make fun of his shitty english or--
He's really just plain nervous.
--
It takes getting used to, not having to worry about getting recognized on the streets anymore; not having to worry about paparazzis trying to snap shots of you whenever you go out.
The freedom, Jin thinks, is nice.
--
"Let's go get ice cream," his classmate says after class one day. She smiles at him prettily and he can't find it in him to say no. They go to the family-run place down the street and get gelato (Jin doesn't know the difference until she tells him) and chat for the better part of an hour, eating slowly and watching as it melts in the little paper cups.
He wonders if this is what he's been missing out on all this time.
--
The phone rings.
"How's L.A.?" Yamapi's voice asks him when he picks up. Jin looks at the clock - it's seven thirty in the evening, still light out but just starting to get dark.
"Awesome," Jin says. "I've been having tons of fun."
"Is that so?" Yamapi asks. Jin can hear the smile in Yamapi's voice; can also hear the forced cheerfulness of it. "How's class?"
Jin makes a face. "Er, fine. Just fine."
Yamapi laughs. "Don't tell me you're failing already."
"I am so totally not," Jin says. "Really." He tries to think of what to say. "How's...how are you?"
"I'm good," Yamapi says, and for a second he slips and Jin can hear how tired he is. He imagines Yamapi, rushing around trying to get ready to get to work, speaking on the cordless phone as he hunts for things around his apartment. Imagines him going to work, looking at his full schedule and grimacing at how many items there are on it but starting anyways.
"Take care of yourself," Jin says, and Yamapi laughs and says he will but tells him he has to go -- Jin can see him lingering at the phone dock just next to the genkan -- hangs up after Jin says bye.
--
Jin calls this time; knows he's going to have the pay the long-distance fees out of his own money but doesn't care anyways. He calls at ten in the morning on a lazy warm Saturday, sitting at the window of his apartment and watching people play frisbee in the park just outside as he listens to the ringing.
"Hey," Yamapi answers, punctuated by a very audible yawn.
Jin winces. "Sorry to be calling you so late."
Yamapi just grunts something in reply. "Nah, it's okay. I just got back anyways..."
"Busy day?" Jin asks sympathetically.
Yamapi yawns again. "Yeah...it's been kind of like this all week. You're lucky," he says jokingly, "you don't have to deal with promotions right now."
"Yeah," Jin laughs. (Truth be told, he's already starting to forget the long days of practice and interviews and other idol-y stuff like that.)
"I'll talk to you later," Yamapi says after a minute or so. "I'm...I'm dead tired right now. Sorry."
"Talk to you later," Jin says just as Yamapi hangs up.
He's not quite sure to do with the rest of his day.
--
"You look tired," the girl next to him tells him one morning. Jin isn't surprised, he feels -- feels as if his eyes are getting slowly hollowed out and his brain drained out through his pores, but tired will do for now.
"My friend had a day off," Jin says, sitting down. "I ended up spending all night talking to him instead of sleeping."
"Or doing your homework?" she asks, teasing. Jin swears when he realizes he's nowhere near finished, and ends up finishing it thirty seconds before class starts.
--
Jin calls Kame for a change one day. Kame picks up after an uncomfortably long time, answering hesitantly.
"Yo," Jin says. "What's up?"
"Not much," Kame replies. His voice sounds tinny over the phone; the pauses rattle silently in Jin's ear. "I'm. I'm in the middle of something - can I talk to you later?"
"Sure," Jin says. He feels kind of crushed.
He calls Ueda later. Ueda tells him Kame doesn't really think he can talk to Jin at that moment.
"And," Ueda says quietly, after a bit of silence, "to be honest, neither do I."
The next thing Jin remembers hearing is the dial tone.
--
Jin calls Yamapi the next weekend. The phone rings for a while before it's cut off, the standard automated monologue playing in his ear. He frowns, hangs up - he hates leaving messages - and stares at his phone as if it'll magically ring.
It does the next best thing and vibrates; making that tone it does when a text message's come. He grabs it and looks at it eagerly.
Hey, Yamapi writes. Sorry I couldn't pick up the phone, I'm really busy right now. Ah, and for the next week or so I'll be super-busy too; so I might not pick up at all. Sorry!
Jin frowns.
--
Jin hasn't been able to sleep so well lately. He tries but in the end just ends up thinking (about leaving everyone behind, about nobody talking to him, about being in this huge city with so many people surrounding him and yet still being so utterly alone). And he feels bad, so fucking bad about it all.
The bed's too large for him, he thinks one day.
He'd really like someone to be close to right now, he thinks the next.
--
The guy who sat next to the girl whom he went with for ice cream that one time (she dropped the class a week later) frowns as he walks in and flops into his seat and pillows his head on his arms.
"Haven't been sleeping lately?" he asks.
"Yeah," Jin says, muffled by the fabric of his sleep. "I'm really tired..."
He hears the scribbling of ball-point pen on paper and the next moment there's a note tucked into the crook of his elbow.
"Call that number," the guy says. "Tell them you have a major exam soon and you haven't been able to sleep because you're so anxious but if you don't sleep for it you're not going to do well. They'll send something that'll help you."
Jin shoots him a suspicious glance.
"It's all totally legal," he reassures him.
Jin considers it.
--
His sleeping pills - extra strength, the bottle says - come on Thursday along with a cute note wishing him good luck on his finals.
They work, Jin finds out that evening, very well.
--
It's an extra-long-weekend that weekend and everyone and their mother have gone home to visit family. Jin, unfortunately, doesn't quite have the luxury of flying all the way back home and visiting his any time soon. (Besides, he isn't going through that flight anymore than he has to.)
He'd like to call Yamapi, but it's two in the afternoon on a Friday and Yamapi is sleeping, or should be at least. The others are probably sleeping too, or knowing Junno, playing video games at ridiculous hours of the morning (again).
He wants to talk to someone. Or, rather, he wants - needs - the contact with someone but nobody he knows can or will want to talk to him.
And so he is stuck, in LA, in a nice apartment with a nice view and nice furniture in a nice neighbourhood; but on the other side of the world from everything he really cares about and no way to get to any of it.
This is, he decides quietly, the worst kind of loneliness in the world.
--
The clock reads three AM.
Jin looks at his cellphone, lying on the bedside table. And then to the bottle of sleeping pills beside it.
Back and forth.
Back
and
forth.
He rolls over, (and doesn't try) going back to sleep.
Jin-centric, PG-13. hints at depression and stuff like that.
And you are so lonely that you'd (maybe) like to die.
thomas baudinette if you see this you're a bitch.
Notes: aaah, I don't usually leave notes like these now, but this ended up kind of personal in a way. Let's just say a lot of my feelings are in this fic, I guess. This was meant to be Pin, but it didn't quite turn out that way... But either way, please enjoy! :D
"I can't believe you're going," Yamapi's voice says through the phone. Silence stretches between them awkwardly. Jin isn't quite sure what to say.
He settles for an apology. "I'm sorry," he says. "It...it's only six months."
Yamapi laughs wryly. "Yeah, only six months." He pauses; sighs. "Sorry. I didn't mean to make it sound like it was your fault. It's just..."
"You'll miss me," Jin says, smiling even though he really shouldn't. "Won't you?"
"Yeah," Yamapi says. "Yeah, I will. Lots."
--
"You're a fucking douche," Kame tells Jin bluntly.
"I'm sorry," Jin says, and it's all he feels like he knows how to say. "Really, I am."
Kame sighs. "Yeah, I know. Just...just. I don't know. I wish you weren't going this early. I wish you weren't going at all."
"I'm sorry," Jin says again. He'd like to think there's more emotion in his voice this time, because there's definitely more in his heart. (It hurts, he thinks. More than just a bit.)
Kame sighs again. "We'll...well, it won't be the same without you. Have fun," Kame says, and just manages to smile.
"I'll try," Jin replies, trying to sound sincere.
--
One thing that Jin has already discovered about himself is that he really fucking hates planes. Or, rather, the fifteen hour flight from Tokyo to L.A.. It is possibly the longest fifteen hours of his entire life, spent listening to the same music over and over again and playing solitaire with the pack of cards the nice (and rather hot) stewardess gave him on the drop-down tray.
He tries to sleep when they turn off the lights. It doesn't happen.
(He can feel the jet-lag already.)
--
Jin usually isn't one to be scared of new situations, but he is really freaked out for his first day of classes. He's running on a grand total of three hours of sleep, he's afraid he'll get lost or they'll make fun of his shitty english or--
He's really just plain nervous.
--
It takes getting used to, not having to worry about getting recognized on the streets anymore; not having to worry about paparazzis trying to snap shots of you whenever you go out.
The freedom, Jin thinks, is nice.
--
"Let's go get ice cream," his classmate says after class one day. She smiles at him prettily and he can't find it in him to say no. They go to the family-run place down the street and get gelato (Jin doesn't know the difference until she tells him) and chat for the better part of an hour, eating slowly and watching as it melts in the little paper cups.
He wonders if this is what he's been missing out on all this time.
--
The phone rings.
"How's L.A.?" Yamapi's voice asks him when he picks up. Jin looks at the clock - it's seven thirty in the evening, still light out but just starting to get dark.
"Awesome," Jin says. "I've been having tons of fun."
"Is that so?" Yamapi asks. Jin can hear the smile in Yamapi's voice; can also hear the forced cheerfulness of it. "How's class?"
Jin makes a face. "Er, fine. Just fine."
Yamapi laughs. "Don't tell me you're failing already."
"I am so totally not," Jin says. "Really." He tries to think of what to say. "How's...how are you?"
"I'm good," Yamapi says, and for a second he slips and Jin can hear how tired he is. He imagines Yamapi, rushing around trying to get ready to get to work, speaking on the cordless phone as he hunts for things around his apartment. Imagines him going to work, looking at his full schedule and grimacing at how many items there are on it but starting anyways.
"Take care of yourself," Jin says, and Yamapi laughs and says he will but tells him he has to go -- Jin can see him lingering at the phone dock just next to the genkan -- hangs up after Jin says bye.
--
Jin calls this time; knows he's going to have the pay the long-distance fees out of his own money but doesn't care anyways. He calls at ten in the morning on a lazy warm Saturday, sitting at the window of his apartment and watching people play frisbee in the park just outside as he listens to the ringing.
"Hey," Yamapi answers, punctuated by a very audible yawn.
Jin winces. "Sorry to be calling you so late."
Yamapi just grunts something in reply. "Nah, it's okay. I just got back anyways..."
"Busy day?" Jin asks sympathetically.
Yamapi yawns again. "Yeah...it's been kind of like this all week. You're lucky," he says jokingly, "you don't have to deal with promotions right now."
"Yeah," Jin laughs. (Truth be told, he's already starting to forget the long days of practice and interviews and other idol-y stuff like that.)
"I'll talk to you later," Yamapi says after a minute or so. "I'm...I'm dead tired right now. Sorry."
"Talk to you later," Jin says just as Yamapi hangs up.
He's not quite sure to do with the rest of his day.
--
"You look tired," the girl next to him tells him one morning. Jin isn't surprised, he feels -- feels as if his eyes are getting slowly hollowed out and his brain drained out through his pores, but tired will do for now.
"My friend had a day off," Jin says, sitting down. "I ended up spending all night talking to him instead of sleeping."
"Or doing your homework?" she asks, teasing. Jin swears when he realizes he's nowhere near finished, and ends up finishing it thirty seconds before class starts.
--
Jin calls Kame for a change one day. Kame picks up after an uncomfortably long time, answering hesitantly.
"Yo," Jin says. "What's up?"
"Not much," Kame replies. His voice sounds tinny over the phone; the pauses rattle silently in Jin's ear. "I'm. I'm in the middle of something - can I talk to you later?"
"Sure," Jin says. He feels kind of crushed.
He calls Ueda later. Ueda tells him Kame doesn't really think he can talk to Jin at that moment.
"And," Ueda says quietly, after a bit of silence, "to be honest, neither do I."
The next thing Jin remembers hearing is the dial tone.
--
Jin calls Yamapi the next weekend. The phone rings for a while before it's cut off, the standard automated monologue playing in his ear. He frowns, hangs up - he hates leaving messages - and stares at his phone as if it'll magically ring.
It does the next best thing and vibrates; making that tone it does when a text message's come. He grabs it and looks at it eagerly.
Hey, Yamapi writes. Sorry I couldn't pick up the phone, I'm really busy right now. Ah, and for the next week or so I'll be super-busy too; so I might not pick up at all. Sorry!
Jin frowns.
--
Jin hasn't been able to sleep so well lately. He tries but in the end just ends up thinking (about leaving everyone behind, about nobody talking to him, about being in this huge city with so many people surrounding him and yet still being so utterly alone). And he feels bad, so fucking bad about it all.
The bed's too large for him, he thinks one day.
He'd really like someone to be close to right now, he thinks the next.
--
The guy who sat next to the girl whom he went with for ice cream that one time (she dropped the class a week later) frowns as he walks in and flops into his seat and pillows his head on his arms.
"Haven't been sleeping lately?" he asks.
"Yeah," Jin says, muffled by the fabric of his sleep. "I'm really tired..."
He hears the scribbling of ball-point pen on paper and the next moment there's a note tucked into the crook of his elbow.
"Call that number," the guy says. "Tell them you have a major exam soon and you haven't been able to sleep because you're so anxious but if you don't sleep for it you're not going to do well. They'll send something that'll help you."
Jin shoots him a suspicious glance.
"It's all totally legal," he reassures him.
Jin considers it.
--
His sleeping pills - extra strength, the bottle says - come on Thursday along with a cute note wishing him good luck on his finals.
They work, Jin finds out that evening, very well.
--
It's an extra-long-weekend that weekend and everyone and their mother have gone home to visit family. Jin, unfortunately, doesn't quite have the luxury of flying all the way back home and visiting his any time soon. (Besides, he isn't going through that flight anymore than he has to.)
He'd like to call Yamapi, but it's two in the afternoon on a Friday and Yamapi is sleeping, or should be at least. The others are probably sleeping too, or knowing Junno, playing video games at ridiculous hours of the morning (again).
He wants to talk to someone. Or, rather, he wants - needs - the contact with someone but nobody he knows can or will want to talk to him.
And so he is stuck, in LA, in a nice apartment with a nice view and nice furniture in a nice neighbourhood; but on the other side of the world from everything he really cares about and no way to get to any of it.
This is, he decides quietly, the worst kind of loneliness in the world.
--
The clock reads three AM.
Jin looks at his cellphone, lying on the bedside table. And then to the bottle of sleeping pills beside it.
Back and forth.
Back
and
forth.
He rolls over, (and doesn't try) going back to sleep.