Facebook Fun: So...How Does That Make You Feel?
Maggie El-Fakahany: You are a bitter, stressed out, and jaded couples counselor. Today is your last day of work. What advice do you give to people just to mess with them?
MEF: Women tend to be in a constant state of self improvement. Help your wife out by giving her pointers on women who are prettier than her and how much weight she needs to lose in order to be as loveable as them.
Taz Bryan: Lock the door and just leave a stack of divorce papers in front of the door
Tweety Workman Thompson: "You know what? I think your husband really IS gay."
Dot Fischer: You know what I think is the real root of your marital problems? You both talk too damn much. Just go down on each other more. Fill your mouths with something other than your bullshit and you'll both be much happier.
TWT: Dot, that's good advice though.
Sylvester Thompson: "Show her you are open to change and can be spontaneous. When she gets home tonight, be in bed waiting for her with another girl. She'll love how spontaneous you can be."
TWT: But don't forget to use protection. Have the condoms laid out on the nightstand to show her how much you care by not exposing her to STIs.
TWT: the fact that I just replied to my husband's post in such a fashion makes this doubly hilarious)
ST: "I know of a lovely, secluded spot a few miles down Maple Drive. Nobody goes by there. You could take her out there for some quality alone time. I swear, someone could die out there and people wouldn't know for months. Really, nobody heads over there. It's the perfect spot to let all your problems just disappear."
MEF: It's important for couples to have shared experiences. Try both wearing the same lingerie or sleeping with the same third party.
ST: Have you tried beating the shit out of her?
DF: Have you tried cutting it off? Can't fuck around on you, if he can't fuck.
TWT: You can always trade her in for a barely-legal teenage bride from an undisclosed location in the South Pacific.
DF: It's true, we sell good brides.
Gonzo Haller: Since you two obviously don't love each other anymore, the best thing is to have a child. It will make you love each other again.
DF: Put your problems to a better, more productive use, just have a ton of angry sex. And videotape it. And send it to me. For counseling reasons. ...Yes, counseling reasons.
TWT: "If you would just sign this release form..."
MEF: To avoid confrontation in the relationship just have one person make all of the decisions.
ST: Nobody loves someone who won't stand up for themselves. Make sure to show your spouse how strongly you feel about something by telling them plainly when you're right. You can also help your spouse improve by letting them know when they are wrong.
MEF: One problem many couples face is tension with inlaws. Try to relieve some of this tension by getting closer to your inlaws: sexually.
MEF: Look at how happy newlyweds are. If you are having problems in your relationships try jumping into marriage. That way you have the rest of your life to fix your problems. Until then you can stall with wedding planning.