My cat demanding to be petted is surprisingly helpful
Whenever I have moments of total self-doubt, I want to ask everyone their opinion and have them reassure me that I'm not worthless. However, I'd prefer to not have to talk to anyone about that - I feel like I'm weak for having those feelings. I usually end up complaining about one or two things in particular, and the person I'm venting to commiserates with my affliction.
For the past few months, I've been trying to stop this self-doubt altogether. What happens in reality is me stewing internally for longer than I think is appropriate, then I have a random outburst at someone, but then it dissipates.
Right now, I'm in the stewing process about two matters in particular: boys and frustrations-turning-into-anger in my family.
If anyone reading this wants to give me a pat on the back and tell me its all okay, I won't be embarrassed because I've already decided to write this post.
First:
I don't understand why boys aren't interested in me enough to pursue me. I've been making attempts to fix my own flirting and dating flaws, and I feel like I've done a decent job. Still, there is no boy at the end of the day to talk about smart things with while cuddling.
Why? I'm starting to feel like it's unfair - I worked through my personal mental issues, and I know I can no longer receive the title of "the crazy girlfriend." Yet I see people totally fucked up getting all this attention from boys/girls. No one wanted to date me when they could've "fixed me," so why, when I'm healthy, does no one want me still?
I want someone smarter than me to point out something I've been completely oblivious to and let me stop dwelling on my own troublesome imperfections, and just be confident.
(I know being outwardly confident is a help. This is one of the things I've worked on for myself.)
Ugh.
Second:
Through our years together, my family will have occasional quarrels that last for a couple days. Every so often, my parents will have an ongoing mild argument for a few months. Everyone in my family is not a fan of grunges against relatives because we're the constants through life - you can always depend on your family.
I won't go into the specifics of the passive-aggressive (and occasional aggressive) fighting going on in my house, but it doesn't make anyone happier. Usually, whenever certain issues come up, we end up all huffy, and no one can do anything very productive on their own.
I really REALLY hate that it's been like this for the whole time I've been home this break. The huffy-encounters have been happening once a week, and I know I am not a better person for them happening.
My stewing is from my frustration in what personal actions we all take, and the fact that I don't know how to help any of us. Not that I'm expecting to fix any of us, but I figure we can all offer suggestions to help the situation.
Blech.
So... yeah. I've been feeling shitty and missing my friends more than I have on any other school vacation. When I text them or write something on Facebook, I feel like every comment sent or made is too soon from the last one, and it shows I'm being clingy. And I feel like the most comforting help would be a boy to give me a cuddle and remind me that it's fine and my friends all truly like to hear from me no matter how often I talk to them. I don't know if it WOULD help, but it sure isn't there regardless.
Fuck.
I haven't felt this unworthy in awhile. I hope it passes soon. Perhaps writing this post will mark my peak of despair - I'll go to bed, and in the morning, it'll start to be better. But, at the moment, I'm worrying that writing all of this means I, in fact, AM still screwed up.
For the past few months, I've been trying to stop this self-doubt altogether. What happens in reality is me stewing internally for longer than I think is appropriate, then I have a random outburst at someone, but then it dissipates.
Right now, I'm in the stewing process about two matters in particular: boys and frustrations-turning-into-anger in my family.
If anyone reading this wants to give me a pat on the back and tell me its all okay, I won't be embarrassed because I've already decided to write this post.
First:
I don't understand why boys aren't interested in me enough to pursue me. I've been making attempts to fix my own flirting and dating flaws, and I feel like I've done a decent job. Still, there is no boy at the end of the day to talk about smart things with while cuddling.
Why? I'm starting to feel like it's unfair - I worked through my personal mental issues, and I know I can no longer receive the title of "the crazy girlfriend." Yet I see people totally fucked up getting all this attention from boys/girls. No one wanted to date me when they could've "fixed me," so why, when I'm healthy, does no one want me still?
I want someone smarter than me to point out something I've been completely oblivious to and let me stop dwelling on my own troublesome imperfections, and just be confident.
(I know being outwardly confident is a help. This is one of the things I've worked on for myself.)
Ugh.
Second:
Through our years together, my family will have occasional quarrels that last for a couple days. Every so often, my parents will have an ongoing mild argument for a few months. Everyone in my family is not a fan of grunges against relatives because we're the constants through life - you can always depend on your family.
I won't go into the specifics of the passive-aggressive (and occasional aggressive) fighting going on in my house, but it doesn't make anyone happier. Usually, whenever certain issues come up, we end up all huffy, and no one can do anything very productive on their own.
I really REALLY hate that it's been like this for the whole time I've been home this break. The huffy-encounters have been happening once a week, and I know I am not a better person for them happening.
My stewing is from my frustration in what personal actions we all take, and the fact that I don't know how to help any of us. Not that I'm expecting to fix any of us, but I figure we can all offer suggestions to help the situation.
Blech.
So... yeah. I've been feeling shitty and missing my friends more than I have on any other school vacation. When I text them or write something on Facebook, I feel like every comment sent or made is too soon from the last one, and it shows I'm being clingy. And I feel like the most comforting help would be a boy to give me a cuddle and remind me that it's fine and my friends all truly like to hear from me no matter how often I talk to them. I don't know if it WOULD help, but it sure isn't there regardless.
Fuck.
I haven't felt this unworthy in awhile. I hope it passes soon. Perhaps writing this post will mark my peak of despair - I'll go to bed, and in the morning, it'll start to be better. But, at the moment, I'm worrying that writing all of this means I, in fact, AM still screwed up.