FST: Full of Sound and Fury [Felix Harrowgate]
Well, here it is. FST for Felix Harrowgate of Doctrine of Labyrinths. More or less in chronological order, and I tried to be light on spoilers, but some were unavoidable. This made me feel like writing fic. Really, really, really depressing fic. I'm going to try to resist.
Medium: Book
Fandom: Doctrine of Labyrinths
Subject: Felix Harrowgate
Title: Full of Sound and Fury
Notes: Includes book excerpts, some spoilers for The Mirador. 37 tracks + bonus track, cover art. Happy listening!
DOWNLOAD HERE, .ZIP FILE
The Truth Beneath the Rose (intro)
[ Blinded to see
The cruelty of the beast
Here is the darkest side of me
(Forgive me my sins)
The field of my dreams
Deceived all I have seen
Forgive me for what I have been]
The City Is At War - Cobra Starship
[The city is at war
A place among the young and rich
Ignore me if you see me
'Cause i just don't give a shit
The city is at war
Bless the young and rich with
Designer drugs and designer friends
Here's how it goes
It's about who you know
If you got money you get in for free
Get on your knees if you wanna reach the top]
Pomp was not the only thing Stephen hated. "Darling," I murmured in Shannon's ear, "Your brother is scowling at me again."
Circus - Britney Spears
[I'm like a performer
The dance floor is my stage
Better be ready
Hope that you feel the same
All eyes on me
I'm in the center of the ring
Just like a circus]
"But it isn't slander," Robert said, with a fine air of injured innocence. "It's true. Your lover was a common prostitute in Pharoahlight before Lord Malkar found him."
True Love - ThouShaltNot
[I smile and I offer you something to drink
In the hopes that a taste will remind you
That poison goes better with grenadine
That deceit's always lovely with lime
That bitterness can be so sweet
When it's served in the right place and at the right time
And we'll toast to a lifetime of happiness
And we'll catch up on mutual friends
Yes we'll laugh with good cheer and not mention that we're
Just a means to each of our ends]
"Did you think it would change how I felt?"
"Clearly it has," I said. I crossed to the sideboard, splashed bourbon into a glass, swallowed smoke and bitterness.
"Damn it, Felix, you lied to me!" His face was pale, as white as bone.
I slammed my glass down and crossed the room to where he was standing against the emerald-green drapes. "Go ahead and say it. Call me a whore. Say it!"
"Felix, I-"
I hit him, an open-handed blow against his right cheek. He staggered back against the wall, hand going up to his face. "Is that how they do it in Pharoahlight?"
Aquarius - Within Temptation
[ They say I'm seeking out the danger.
That one day you won't let me go,
I'll drown, you'll take me down
I need you Aquarius,
Enchanted I will have to stay.
I feel you Aquarius,
Cause you the sea set me free.
You call to me Aquarius.
You call to me, you set me free]
The blackness within me rose up, closing over my head like the black water of the Sim. I must be damned, I thought, though I wasn't sure there was any god willing to claim me long enough to pronounce sentence. If no god would do it, I would willingly damn myself, and if I knew one thing in all the world, it was where to find the man who would help me.
I left the boy standing where he was, fled him as though he were my enemy, the undead specter of my childhood, fled back into the Mirador to find my damnation.
Toxic - Britney Spears
[There's no escape, I can't wait
I need a hit, Baby give me it
You're dangerous, I'm lovin' it
Too high, Can't come down
Losing my head, spinning round and round
Do you feel me now
With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slippin under
With a taste of a poison paradise]
I had been addicted to phoenix six years ago, just as I had been addicted to Malkar. I had beaten the addiction and not taken phoenix since. I was horrified by how comforting the taste was. I had known people, in Pharoahlight, who had insisted that phoenix was tasteless, but they were wrong. It tasted like tears.
Pain - Three Days Grace
[ Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling down
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand]
Pain and phoenix and arousal all woven together like a tapestry. I was moaning, gasping; the only words I could form were "Please, Malkar, please," and I didn't know if I was begging him to stop or continue. Pain and phoenix and frenzied arousal, and when the scream finally tore free, though I fought it until I drew blood from my lower lip, it was a scream of climax, of pain, of release, of loathing for what I was, what Malkar made me.
I've Been Riding With the Ghost - Songs; Ohia
[ While you was gone you must have done a lot of favors
You've got a whole lot of things I don't think
That you could ever have paid for
While you've been busy crying
About my past mistakes
I've been busy trying to make a change
I made a change
I've been riding with the ghost
I've been doing whatever he told me
I've been looking door to door to see
if there was someone who'd hold me
I never met a single one who didn't see through me
None of them could love me if they thought they might lose me
Unless I made a change]
"Shannon," I said again, because I did not know what else to say. Slowly, clumsily, I said, "I'm not angry. You aren't...you have nothing to blame yourself for."
"Can we, do you think..."
"I don't know. I am...I am not the same." Even to Shannon, I could not say, I am still mad.
"Can we try?"
"Yes," I said; the force in him was too great to stand against. "We can try."
If You Feel Better - Emilie Autumn
[If you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind
If it's necessary
If it helps you out
Crying that I'm heartless
It's alright
And I'm sorry to cause you so much pain
And I'm sorry to bring you down again
'Cause I've reached the end and I won't fight anymore
I don't know what you really want from me
But I don't fit in your reality]
I had to get out of here before I started crying, before Shannon realized just how damaged, how broken, I was. "You bastard!" cried Shannon, who was never vulgar. I wrenched the door open and bolted, overwhelmingly grateful that Shannon's servants were all elsewhere, not witnessing this shameful debacle. And as I fled, Shannon's voice echoed after me: "Don't come back! Don't you dare come back!"
Time Is Running Out - Muse
[I think I'm drowning
Asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
That you've created
You're something beautiful
A contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction
You will be the death of me
You will be the death of me]
He takes my magic, as he has before, as Robert has, as well. The pain is like a flensing knife along my nerves, but I am cushioned by the dream in which we stand; this time I am not ripped free of myself.
Ghost Opera - Kamelot
[ Once a while
When your sorrows have a name
And day is dark as night
No remorse and no redemption
Close the door, can you hear the crowd is waiting
For the last encore
Screaming out for my attention
Chanting my name]
The thing in the tower watched me all night long.
45 - Shinedown
[ Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed]
I forced myself forward another few inches, until my fingers found the slope of the giant's forehead. And then I froze, crouched on this giant stone head in the dark, listening to the terrible river somewhere beneath me. It is not the Sim, I said to myself. It will not be black and bitter. It will be kind. But I did not believe myself. I could not move, neither back toward the fantome nor forward toward the memory of Keeper's hand and the black reek of the Sim. I cursed myself for a craven fool, but I could not move.
Path - Apocalyptica
[instrumental]
I saw it give way in his face. The sharpness wasn't just gone. It was crushed flat. He'd been baiting me, sure, but I saw why, all at once, saw how he'd been fencing off this...this...I don't know the word I want. Zephyr would have had one, I guess, but all I can say is that I saw how bad he was hurt, and how it was worse than just being hurt, it was more like somebody being tortured with the red-hot pokers and the rack and everything, only it was all inside, and there wasn't no torturer you could kill or reason with or nothing. It was just there.
His shoulders slumped, and suddenly he wasn't making eye contact no more. He moved past me with nothing but a kind of tightening-up.
Song for the Dying - ThouShaltNot
[Blink if you can hear me
From across the untold miles where proud you stand
Hold on to your humility
Hold on to your life, like I hold on to your hand
Hold on to something stronger than blood
Something stronger than words
Something stronger than empty air we breathe
When weaker is all we seem to be]
"What the fuck are you doing?" I said, just barely remembering not to shout, and it was only when I saw how wide his eyes were and how bad he was shaking that I realized how pissed off I was and how scared, and how stupidly fucking glad I was to see that he was okay - still in one piece, I mean, because otherwise he was looking fairly well fucked over. "Felix?"
And he said, in this tiny, tiny whisper, "Please don't hurt me."
I'm No Angel - Dido
[I'm sorry for my weary life
I know I'm not perfect but I can smile
and I hope that you see this heart behind my tired eyes
If you tell me that I can't, I will, I will, I'll try all night
and if I say I'm coming home, I'll probably be out all night
I know I can be afraid but I'm alive
and I hope that you can trust this heart behing my tired eyes
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I won't fly]
I had not wanted to see him, in my vanity and pride, but I had made that decision assuming that he was being kept informed.
And I had paid for it. It had flashed through my mind hideously when I first looked at him that I was looking at the very ghost I hadn't thought I could face, the ghost of myself in my madness - a thought that was as unsettling as it was unfair. I remembered thinking, only this morning, that my cowardice hurt no one but myself. That idea had been proved wrong with a vengeance, and I knew that whatever Mildmay had suffered, I was to blame for it.
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Eurythmics
[ Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas--
Everybody's looking for something.
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.]
I felt feverish, nauseated. I tilted my head back to look at the stars, calming myself with their names and constellations. He had called me a monster, and I knew he was right. But he had also said he did not want to leave me.
Goodnight Moon - Shivaree
[What should I do I'm just a little baby
What if the lights go out
And maybe and then the wind just starts to moan
Outside the door he followed me home]
Powers, Felix, can't you be nice just once when it would do you some good? But he couldn't. It wasn't how he was built, and he'd said as much himself. I wanted to strangle him, and I also wanted to sit down and just cry.
Angels - Within Temptation
[ Sparkling angel I believed
You were my saviour in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.]
But I'd never been able to fight Malkar, not since his gorgons had dropped into Lorenzo's palm, and he turned to me with that little smile and said, Let us find out if you are worth the price. I could hate him; I could cherish my fury and hoard it like a miser. But face-to-face with him, and all there was left was fear.
Farewell - Apocalyptica
[instrumental]
You know you can't win. You could never beat me before.
And that was true. I had never been able to defeat Malkar. Not once.
And then the thought turned itself around in my head...I could not defeat Malkar any more than I could have defeated the Sim, but I could - I had always been able to - give into him.
"Kiss me, sweet. Remind me of what you're good at."
"Yes, Malkar," I said, and kissed him.
Foolish Games - Jewel
[ You were always the mysterious one
with dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees
These foolish games are tearing me apart
your thoughtless words are breaking my heart]
"Fleur, is my little brother annoying you?"
Felix was coming toward us. I knew that look in his eyes, and my heart and stomach turned all to mud.
"Of course not," Fleur said. She was a terrible liar.
"Perhaps I'd better take him home before he starts, then," Felix said. I would've been happier if he'd just belted me one. He said goodnight all around, with one of those killer smiles, and walked out like he owned the world. I followed him.
He tore into me as soon as we were out of earshot, his voice low and mean. I didn't try to talk back. I couldn't beat him that way, and anything I said would only make it worse. I especially didn't say that just once, I wished he'd take my side instead of theirs.
You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse
[I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good]
When I went out into the sitting room, Felix was wearing his wet cat look, the one that meant Gideon had taken after him for something he didn't think was his fault.
"Gideon, I swear," Felix started, but Gideon cut him off, and whatever he said was poison mean. It took a lot to make Felix flinch.
You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi
[ An angel's smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passion's a prison, you can't break free
You're a loaded gun
There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done
Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name]
He didn't say much to Felix then. I don't think he had to. It looked to me like there wasn't much of anything left to say, and Gideon knew it. Felix hadn't, but Felix could never understand when an argument had to be over, not unless he'd won it. Gideon found the right words this time, whatever they were, because there was a moment's silence - a real silence, with neither of them saying anything - and then Felix said in a weird, flat voice, "Very well. If that is how you feel."
Gideon didn't even answer him.
Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace
[ I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal]
He recoiled from me so violently that he rolled himself over. "No more, please. Please, m'lord, don't."
I pressed my bloody beringed hands to my mouth, fighting the way that every indrawn breath wanted to become a scream. The man was an experienced martyr - the red silk cravat crumpled beside him was proof enough of that - and I had reduced him to this? Reduced him to begging for mercy like -
Please don't, Malkar, please -
I don't want to, Lorenzo, please don't make me.
I'll be good, Keeper! I swear by all the powers, I'll be good! Please don't!
I twisted, falling from my crouch to my hands and knees, and vomited. \
Opheliac - Emilie Autumn
[You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you've gone through hell and I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there's nothing more you can do I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I wanna be
I only know that in the end you will see it's the Opheliac in me... ]
He'd sunk into a chair; his left elbow was propped on the chair arm, and his head sagged against that hand as if it were too heavy to hold upright. I had a clear, fire-lit view of his profile, his blue eye clouded and all his habitual facades and masquerades dropped. He looked deathly tired.
Shame - Ophelia of the Spirits
[Shame
You brought this on yourself
you're the one to blame
nobody else you should have never sunk
down down down
so low. but that's the way it goes.
You're lost
try to find your way back home but what's the cost
now you're out there on your own
you've got blood on your hands
you're a broken man]
"Like that helps. You'll just find something else to do, something that ain't what you said you wouldn't but that works just the same. I don't care. You can be as mean to me as you like, but don't come 'round wondering why I don't trust you. Good night, Felix."
He left me there, and I stood as if I'd been turned to stone and watched him go.
Jealous of the Moon - Nickel Creek
[You've given up the good fight
You're as strong as anyone
You're back where you started from
I see you're back where you started from
Starin' down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
Just being where you are
There's nothin' you can do
If you're too scared to try]
We understood each other, needed each other, in a way that had nothing to do with the obligation d'ame and everything to do with our childhoods and my madness and the hurts he guarded and would not speak of. All the clever words in the world didn't matter, all the barriers we put up against each other, turn and turn about.
Who Will Love Me Now? - PJ Harvey
[In the forest, is a monster
It has done terrible things
So in the wood, it's hiding
And this is the song it sings
Who will love me now?
Who will ever love me?
Who will say to me
"You are my desire, I set you free?"
Who will forgive and make me live again?
Who will bring me back to the world again?]
I had denied that, again and again. I had mocked him, embarrassed him, reviled him, used him uncaringly in one or another of my petty little wars. Even after I had sworn I would not, I had betrayed him - oh, in small ways, nothing like forcing him to murder a blood wizard, so it was easy for me to ignore. It was amazing that his trust was all I had forfeited.
House of Cards - Ophelia of the Spirits
[I am cruel to myself
Things will never be the same
Oh, this will all fall down around you
In a house of cards
It's just too hard not to touch it
So it all falls down]
Felix came in a little later. His stride kind of hitched when he saw me, like he hadn't really expected me to be there, but then he came on over to his chair like it was what he'd meant all along. We didn't say nothing for a while. Felix just sat there, staring into the fire, and I was about to give up and go to bed when he said, "Were you really friends with Zephyr Wolsey?"
"Yeah."
Another long silence, only this time I was scared to move. Then he said, "Do you hate me?"
"Do I what?"
"Hate me."
"No."
"That's it?" He glanced at me, then away again.
"What more d'you want? I don't hate you."
"Nothing, I suppose. Go to bed, Mildmay. I'm not fit company."
I went. I got up enough nerve to say, "Good night," at the door to my room.
"Good night," he said without looking round. He was staring into the fire again.
Fallen by Sarah McLachlan
[ Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up]
Felix was...not looking at Vincent, and his color was high. He lost the thread of his remarks. Regrouped. Lost it again and stood up, abrupt and gawky as a colt. "I should go."
"You don't have to," Vincent said.
"Yes," Felix said with a painful smile. "I do. Good night, Tabby."
He was gone before I could stand.
Evil Night Together - Jill Tracy
[ Let's wile away the hours
Let's spend an evil night together
We'll drink a toast in the torture chamber
And you'll go down on a bed of nails
We'll rendevous in cold blood
I'll tie you up to the third rail]
I felt filthy - not merely untrustworthy, but rotten with depravity, oozing monstrosity, as if I would contaminate anything I touched.
I repulsed myself, and with Malkar dead, there was only one place to go.
Isaac Garamond was not pleased to see me. He was untidy, flustered, harried, and tried to tell me he had an appointment elsewhere. But I could see it was a lie, and I could see the desire he hated in himself sparking, catching, starting to burn.
No Second Chance - Blackmore's Night
[ My diamond's clouded over where it used to shine like light,
And the day keeps running faster,
Into the arms of night...
The stiches on the tapestry say,
"Everything in time,
Will find it's way home again,"
But I'm tired of crying...
No Second Chances
Don't knock on my door
There won't be any answer
I won't be here no more...]
"Oh my god," Thaddeus said, and at least he didn't sound happy no more. "What did you do to him?"
"What he deserved," Felix said, like death.
Wanted - Holly Brook
[ I will be wanted
I will not fall from grace
Daylight has waited
Just to live upon your face
I won't be haunted
I will not sleep to dream
All that I wanted
Has been right in front of me]
"Mildmay?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think it's dark, where Gideon is?" And powers, his accent had gotten away from him, and his voice was barely more than breath, and he sounded so fucking lost.
"Oh, sweetheart," I said, and my voice broke. "C'mere." We found each other in the dark, and I hugged him, and for once he didn't go stiff or shrug me off, but hugged me back.
"I don't want him to be in the dark," he said into my shoulder. "I don't want him to be afraid."
Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day
[Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
it's not a question
But a lesson learned in time]
"Oh yes. He'll rest now." Felix brought up his hands to rub his eyes, wincing as the manacles shifted on his wrists.
"That's good," Mehitabel said gently.
"Yes. Will it make you think of me more kindly, Tabby, when..."
When I'm dead, he meant, but he couldn't quite make himself say it.
"I think kindly of you now, sunshine," Mehitabel said, still so fucking gentle, and Felix's calm cracked like an eggshell.
Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional
[ Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed]
That was six. I searched the shelves, looking for the book that Gideon himself would have most wanted to take. And I knew, my breath hitching with something that was not quite pain, when I found it.
Doubting Thomas - Nickel Creek (outro)
[What will be left when I've drawn my last breath,
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me,
Will I discover a soul saving love,
Or just the dirt above and below me,
I'm a doubting Thomas,
I took a promise,
But I do not feel safe,
Oh me of little faith,
Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
Then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward]
"it could be worse, y'know. Lord Stephen could have decided to burn you anyway."
He looked at me then, and his eyes were like lightning. "And I would have said thank you. So just shut up about how things could be worse, all right?" He drove his horse forward again.
I followed him.
There wasn't nothing else in the world I could do.
And a Felix/Mildmay song that didn't fit anywhere else.
Lovesong - Voltaire
[ However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.]
It astonished me how much I missed Mildmay.
Enjoy. <3 Let me know if there are issues.
Medium: Book
Fandom: Doctrine of Labyrinths
Subject: Felix Harrowgate
Title: Full of Sound and Fury
Notes: Includes book excerpts, some spoilers for The Mirador. 37 tracks + bonus track, cover art. Happy listening!
DOWNLOAD HERE, .ZIP FILE
The Truth Beneath the Rose (intro)
[ Blinded to see
The cruelty of the beast
Here is the darkest side of me
(Forgive me my sins)
The field of my dreams
Deceived all I have seen
Forgive me for what I have been]
The City Is At War - Cobra Starship
[The city is at war
A place among the young and rich
Ignore me if you see me
'Cause i just don't give a shit
The city is at war
Bless the young and rich with
Designer drugs and designer friends
Here's how it goes
It's about who you know
If you got money you get in for free
Get on your knees if you wanna reach the top]
Pomp was not the only thing Stephen hated. "Darling," I murmured in Shannon's ear, "Your brother is scowling at me again."
Circus - Britney Spears
[I'm like a performer
The dance floor is my stage
Better be ready
Hope that you feel the same
All eyes on me
I'm in the center of the ring
Just like a circus]
"But it isn't slander," Robert said, with a fine air of injured innocence. "It's true. Your lover was a common prostitute in Pharoahlight before Lord Malkar found him."
True Love - ThouShaltNot
[I smile and I offer you something to drink
In the hopes that a taste will remind you
That poison goes better with grenadine
That deceit's always lovely with lime
That bitterness can be so sweet
When it's served in the right place and at the right time
And we'll toast to a lifetime of happiness
And we'll catch up on mutual friends
Yes we'll laugh with good cheer and not mention that we're
Just a means to each of our ends]
"Did you think it would change how I felt?"
"Clearly it has," I said. I crossed to the sideboard, splashed bourbon into a glass, swallowed smoke and bitterness.
"Damn it, Felix, you lied to me!" His face was pale, as white as bone.
I slammed my glass down and crossed the room to where he was standing against the emerald-green drapes. "Go ahead and say it. Call me a whore. Say it!"
"Felix, I-"
I hit him, an open-handed blow against his right cheek. He staggered back against the wall, hand going up to his face. "Is that how they do it in Pharoahlight?"
Aquarius - Within Temptation
[ They say I'm seeking out the danger.
That one day you won't let me go,
I'll drown, you'll take me down
I need you Aquarius,
Enchanted I will have to stay.
I feel you Aquarius,
Cause you the sea set me free.
You call to me Aquarius.
You call to me, you set me free]
The blackness within me rose up, closing over my head like the black water of the Sim. I must be damned, I thought, though I wasn't sure there was any god willing to claim me long enough to pronounce sentence. If no god would do it, I would willingly damn myself, and if I knew one thing in all the world, it was where to find the man who would help me.
I left the boy standing where he was, fled him as though he were my enemy, the undead specter of my childhood, fled back into the Mirador to find my damnation.
Toxic - Britney Spears
[There's no escape, I can't wait
I need a hit, Baby give me it
You're dangerous, I'm lovin' it
Too high, Can't come down
Losing my head, spinning round and round
Do you feel me now
With a taste of your lips I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slippin under
With a taste of a poison paradise]
I had been addicted to phoenix six years ago, just as I had been addicted to Malkar. I had beaten the addiction and not taken phoenix since. I was horrified by how comforting the taste was. I had known people, in Pharoahlight, who had insisted that phoenix was tasteless, but they were wrong. It tasted like tears.
Pain - Three Days Grace
[ Pain, without love
Pain, I can't get enough
Pain, I like it rough
'Cause I'd rather feel pain than nothing at all
You're sick of feeling down
You're not the only one
I'll take you by the hand
And I'll show you a world that you can understand
This life is filled with hurt
When happiness doesn't work
Trust me and take my hand
When the lights go out you will understand]
Pain and phoenix and arousal all woven together like a tapestry. I was moaning, gasping; the only words I could form were "Please, Malkar, please," and I didn't know if I was begging him to stop or continue. Pain and phoenix and frenzied arousal, and when the scream finally tore free, though I fought it until I drew blood from my lower lip, it was a scream of climax, of pain, of release, of loathing for what I was, what Malkar made me.
I've Been Riding With the Ghost - Songs; Ohia
[ While you was gone you must have done a lot of favors
You've got a whole lot of things I don't think
That you could ever have paid for
While you've been busy crying
About my past mistakes
I've been busy trying to make a change
I made a change
I've been riding with the ghost
I've been doing whatever he told me
I've been looking door to door to see
if there was someone who'd hold me
I never met a single one who didn't see through me
None of them could love me if they thought they might lose me
Unless I made a change]
"Shannon," I said again, because I did not know what else to say. Slowly, clumsily, I said, "I'm not angry. You aren't...you have nothing to blame yourself for."
"Can we, do you think..."
"I don't know. I am...I am not the same." Even to Shannon, I could not say, I am still mad.
"Can we try?"
"Yes," I said; the force in him was too great to stand against. "We can try."
If You Feel Better - Emilie Autumn
[If you feel better
Telling me I'm cruel
Saying I'm unfeeling
I don't mind
If it's necessary
If it helps you out
Crying that I'm heartless
It's alright
And I'm sorry to cause you so much pain
And I'm sorry to bring you down again
'Cause I've reached the end and I won't fight anymore
I don't know what you really want from me
But I don't fit in your reality]
I had to get out of here before I started crying, before Shannon realized just how damaged, how broken, I was. "You bastard!" cried Shannon, who was never vulgar. I wrenched the door open and bolted, overwhelmingly grateful that Shannon's servants were all elsewhere, not witnessing this shameful debacle. And as I fled, Shannon's voice echoed after me: "Don't come back! Don't you dare come back!"
Time Is Running Out - Muse
[I think I'm drowning
Asphyxiated
I wanna break this spell
That you've created
You're something beautiful
A contradiction
I wanna play the game
I want the friction
You will be the death of me
You will be the death of me]
He takes my magic, as he has before, as Robert has, as well. The pain is like a flensing knife along my nerves, but I am cushioned by the dream in which we stand; this time I am not ripped free of myself.
Ghost Opera - Kamelot
[ Once a while
When your sorrows have a name
And day is dark as night
No remorse and no redemption
Close the door, can you hear the crowd is waiting
For the last encore
Screaming out for my attention
Chanting my name]
The thing in the tower watched me all night long.
45 - Shinedown
[ Swallowed by pain, as he slowly fell apart
Everyone's pointing their fingers
Always condemning me
And nobody knows what I believe
I believe
And I'm staring down the barrel of a 45,
Swimming through the ashes of another life
No real reason to accept the way things have changed]
I forced myself forward another few inches, until my fingers found the slope of the giant's forehead. And then I froze, crouched on this giant stone head in the dark, listening to the terrible river somewhere beneath me. It is not the Sim, I said to myself. It will not be black and bitter. It will be kind. But I did not believe myself. I could not move, neither back toward the fantome nor forward toward the memory of Keeper's hand and the black reek of the Sim. I cursed myself for a craven fool, but I could not move.
Path - Apocalyptica
[instrumental]
I saw it give way in his face. The sharpness wasn't just gone. It was crushed flat. He'd been baiting me, sure, but I saw why, all at once, saw how he'd been fencing off this...this...I don't know the word I want. Zephyr would have had one, I guess, but all I can say is that I saw how bad he was hurt, and how it was worse than just being hurt, it was more like somebody being tortured with the red-hot pokers and the rack and everything, only it was all inside, and there wasn't no torturer you could kill or reason with or nothing. It was just there.
His shoulders slumped, and suddenly he wasn't making eye contact no more. He moved past me with nothing but a kind of tightening-up.
Song for the Dying - ThouShaltNot
[Blink if you can hear me
From across the untold miles where proud you stand
Hold on to your humility
Hold on to your life, like I hold on to your hand
Hold on to something stronger than blood
Something stronger than words
Something stronger than empty air we breathe
When weaker is all we seem to be]
"What the fuck are you doing?" I said, just barely remembering not to shout, and it was only when I saw how wide his eyes were and how bad he was shaking that I realized how pissed off I was and how scared, and how stupidly fucking glad I was to see that he was okay - still in one piece, I mean, because otherwise he was looking fairly well fucked over. "Felix?"
And he said, in this tiny, tiny whisper, "Please don't hurt me."
I'm No Angel - Dido
[I'm sorry for my weary life
I know I'm not perfect but I can smile
and I hope that you see this heart behind my tired eyes
If you tell me that I can't, I will, I will, I'll try all night
and if I say I'm coming home, I'll probably be out all night
I know I can be afraid but I'm alive
and I hope that you can trust this heart behing my tired eyes
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I won't try
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I can't live my life
I'm no angel, but please don't think that I can't cry
I'm no angel, but does that mean that I won't fly]
I had not wanted to see him, in my vanity and pride, but I had made that decision assuming that he was being kept informed.
And I had paid for it. It had flashed through my mind hideously when I first looked at him that I was looking at the very ghost I hadn't thought I could face, the ghost of myself in my madness - a thought that was as unsettling as it was unfair. I remembered thinking, only this morning, that my cowardice hurt no one but myself. That idea had been proved wrong with a vengeance, and I knew that whatever Mildmay had suffered, I was to blame for it.
Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This) - Eurythmics
[ Sweet dreams are made of this
Who am I to disagree?
I travel the world
And the seven seas--
Everybody's looking for something.
Some of them want to use you
Some of them want to get used by you
Some of them want to abuse you
Some of them want to be abused.]
I felt feverish, nauseated. I tilted my head back to look at the stars, calming myself with their names and constellations. He had called me a monster, and I knew he was right. But he had also said he did not want to leave me.
Goodnight Moon - Shivaree
[What should I do I'm just a little baby
What if the lights go out
And maybe and then the wind just starts to moan
Outside the door he followed me home]
Powers, Felix, can't you be nice just once when it would do you some good? But he couldn't. It wasn't how he was built, and he'd said as much himself. I wanted to strangle him, and I also wanted to sit down and just cry.
Angels - Within Temptation
[ Sparkling angel I believed
You were my saviour in my time of need.
Blinded by faith I couldn't hear
All the whispers, the warnings so clear.
I see the angels,
I'll lead them to your door.
There's no escape now,
No mercy no more.
No remorse cause I still remember
The smile when you tore me apart.]
But I'd never been able to fight Malkar, not since his gorgons had dropped into Lorenzo's palm, and he turned to me with that little smile and said, Let us find out if you are worth the price. I could hate him; I could cherish my fury and hoard it like a miser. But face-to-face with him, and all there was left was fear.
Farewell - Apocalyptica
[instrumental]
You know you can't win. You could never beat me before.
And that was true. I had never been able to defeat Malkar. Not once.
And then the thought turned itself around in my head...I could not defeat Malkar any more than I could have defeated the Sim, but I could - I had always been able to - give into him.
"Kiss me, sweet. Remind me of what you're good at."
"Yes, Malkar," I said, and kissed him.
Foolish Games - Jewel
[ You were always the mysterious one
with dark eyes and careless hair,
You were fashionably sensitive, but too cool to care
Then you stood in my doorway, with nothing to say
besides some comment on the weather
Well in case you failed to notice,
In case you failed to see,
This is my heart bleeding before you,
This is me down on my knees
These foolish games are tearing me apart
your thoughtless words are breaking my heart]
"Fleur, is my little brother annoying you?"
Felix was coming toward us. I knew that look in his eyes, and my heart and stomach turned all to mud.
"Of course not," Fleur said. She was a terrible liar.
"Perhaps I'd better take him home before he starts, then," Felix said. I would've been happier if he'd just belted me one. He said goodnight all around, with one of those killer smiles, and walked out like he owned the world. I followed him.
He tore into me as soon as we were out of earshot, his voice low and mean. I didn't try to talk back. I couldn't beat him that way, and anything I said would only make it worse. I especially didn't say that just once, I wished he'd take my side instead of theirs.
You Know I'm No Good - Amy Winehouse
[I cheated myself,
Like I knew I would,
I told you I was trouble,
You know that I'm no good]
When I went out into the sitting room, Felix was wearing his wet cat look, the one that meant Gideon had taken after him for something he didn't think was his fault.
"Gideon, I swear," Felix started, but Gideon cut him off, and whatever he said was poison mean. It took a lot to make Felix flinch.
You Give Love a Bad Name - Bon Jovi
[ An angel's smile is what you sell
You promise me heaven, then put me through hell
Chains of love got a hold on me
When passion's a prison, you can't break free
You're a loaded gun
There's nowhere to run
No one can save me
The damage is done
Shot through the heart
And you're to blame
You give love a bad name
I play my part and you play your game
You give love a bad name]
He didn't say much to Felix then. I don't think he had to. It looked to me like there wasn't much of anything left to say, and Gideon knew it. Felix hadn't, but Felix could never understand when an argument had to be over, not unless he'd won it. Gideon found the right words this time, whatever they were, because there was a moment's silence - a real silence, with neither of them saying anything - and then Felix said in a weird, flat voice, "Very well. If that is how you feel."
Gideon didn't even answer him.
Animal I Have Become - Three Days Grace
[ I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one would ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal]
He recoiled from me so violently that he rolled himself over. "No more, please. Please, m'lord, don't."
I pressed my bloody beringed hands to my mouth, fighting the way that every indrawn breath wanted to become a scream. The man was an experienced martyr - the red silk cravat crumpled beside him was proof enough of that - and I had reduced him to this? Reduced him to begging for mercy like -
Please don't, Malkar, please -
I don't want to, Lorenzo, please don't make me.
I'll be good, Keeper! I swear by all the powers, I'll be good! Please don't!
I twisted, falling from my crouch to my hands and knees, and vomited. \
Opheliac - Emilie Autumn
[You know the games I play and the words I say when I want my own way
You know the lies I tell when you've gone through hell and I say I can't stay
You know how hard it can be to keep believing in me
When everything and everyone becomes my enemy
And when there's nothing more you can do I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I wanna be
I only know that in the end you will see it's the Opheliac in me... ]
He'd sunk into a chair; his left elbow was propped on the chair arm, and his head sagged against that hand as if it were too heavy to hold upright. I had a clear, fire-lit view of his profile, his blue eye clouded and all his habitual facades and masquerades dropped. He looked deathly tired.
Shame - Ophelia of the Spirits
[Shame
You brought this on yourself
you're the one to blame
nobody else you should have never sunk
down down down
so low. but that's the way it goes.
You're lost
try to find your way back home but what's the cost
now you're out there on your own
you've got blood on your hands
you're a broken man]
"Like that helps. You'll just find something else to do, something that ain't what you said you wouldn't but that works just the same. I don't care. You can be as mean to me as you like, but don't come 'round wondering why I don't trust you. Good night, Felix."
He left me there, and I stood as if I'd been turned to stone and watched him go.
Jealous of the Moon - Nickel Creek
[You've given up the good fight
You're as strong as anyone
You're back where you started from
I see you're back where you started from
Starin' down the stars
Jealous of the moon
You wish you could fly
Just being where you are
There's nothin' you can do
If you're too scared to try]
We understood each other, needed each other, in a way that had nothing to do with the obligation d'ame and everything to do with our childhoods and my madness and the hurts he guarded and would not speak of. All the clever words in the world didn't matter, all the barriers we put up against each other, turn and turn about.
Who Will Love Me Now? - PJ Harvey
[In the forest, is a monster
It has done terrible things
So in the wood, it's hiding
And this is the song it sings
Who will love me now?
Who will ever love me?
Who will say to me
"You are my desire, I set you free?"
Who will forgive and make me live again?
Who will bring me back to the world again?]
I had denied that, again and again. I had mocked him, embarrassed him, reviled him, used him uncaringly in one or another of my petty little wars. Even after I had sworn I would not, I had betrayed him - oh, in small ways, nothing like forcing him to murder a blood wizard, so it was easy for me to ignore. It was amazing that his trust was all I had forfeited.
House of Cards - Ophelia of the Spirits
[I am cruel to myself
Things will never be the same
Oh, this will all fall down around you
In a house of cards
It's just too hard not to touch it
So it all falls down]
Felix came in a little later. His stride kind of hitched when he saw me, like he hadn't really expected me to be there, but then he came on over to his chair like it was what he'd meant all along. We didn't say nothing for a while. Felix just sat there, staring into the fire, and I was about to give up and go to bed when he said, "Were you really friends with Zephyr Wolsey?"
"Yeah."
Another long silence, only this time I was scared to move. Then he said, "Do you hate me?"
"Do I what?"
"Hate me."
"No."
"That's it?" He glanced at me, then away again.
"What more d'you want? I don't hate you."
"Nothing, I suppose. Go to bed, Mildmay. I'm not fit company."
I went. I got up enough nerve to say, "Good night," at the door to my room.
"Good night," he said without looking round. He was staring into the fire again.
Fallen by Sarah McLachlan
[ Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight
Truth be told I've tried my best
But somewhere along the way
I got caught up in all there was to offer
And the cost was so much more than I could bear
Though I've tried, I've fallen...
I have sunk so low
I messed up]
Felix was...not looking at Vincent, and his color was high. He lost the thread of his remarks. Regrouped. Lost it again and stood up, abrupt and gawky as a colt. "I should go."
"You don't have to," Vincent said.
"Yes," Felix said with a painful smile. "I do. Good night, Tabby."
He was gone before I could stand.
Evil Night Together - Jill Tracy
[ Let's wile away the hours
Let's spend an evil night together
We'll drink a toast in the torture chamber
And you'll go down on a bed of nails
We'll rendevous in cold blood
I'll tie you up to the third rail]
I felt filthy - not merely untrustworthy, but rotten with depravity, oozing monstrosity, as if I would contaminate anything I touched.
I repulsed myself, and with Malkar dead, there was only one place to go.
Isaac Garamond was not pleased to see me. He was untidy, flustered, harried, and tried to tell me he had an appointment elsewhere. But I could see it was a lie, and I could see the desire he hated in himself sparking, catching, starting to burn.
No Second Chance - Blackmore's Night
[ My diamond's clouded over where it used to shine like light,
And the day keeps running faster,
Into the arms of night...
The stiches on the tapestry say,
"Everything in time,
Will find it's way home again,"
But I'm tired of crying...
No Second Chances
Don't knock on my door
There won't be any answer
I won't be here no more...]
"Oh my god," Thaddeus said, and at least he didn't sound happy no more. "What did you do to him?"
"What he deserved," Felix said, like death.
Wanted - Holly Brook
[ I will be wanted
I will not fall from grace
Daylight has waited
Just to live upon your face
I won't be haunted
I will not sleep to dream
All that I wanted
Has been right in front of me]
"Mildmay?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you think it's dark, where Gideon is?" And powers, his accent had gotten away from him, and his voice was barely more than breath, and he sounded so fucking lost.
"Oh, sweetheart," I said, and my voice broke. "C'mere." We found each other in the dark, and I hugged him, and for once he didn't go stiff or shrug me off, but hugged me back.
"I don't want him to be in the dark," he said into my shoulder. "I don't want him to be afraid."
Good Riddance (Time of Your Life) - Green Day
[Another turning point
A fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist
Directs you where to go
So make the best of this test
And don't ask why
it's not a question
But a lesson learned in time]
"Oh yes. He'll rest now." Felix brought up his hands to rub his eyes, wincing as the manacles shifted on his wrists.
"That's good," Mehitabel said gently.
"Yes. Will it make you think of me more kindly, Tabby, when..."
When I'm dead, he meant, but he couldn't quite make himself say it.
"I think kindly of you now, sunshine," Mehitabel said, still so fucking gentle, and Felix's calm cracked like an eggshell.
Vindicated - Dashboard Confessional
[ Vindicated
I am selfish
I am wrong
I am right
I swear I'm right
Swear I knew it all along
And I am flawed]
That was six. I searched the shelves, looking for the book that Gideon himself would have most wanted to take. And I knew, my breath hitching with something that was not quite pain, when I found it.
Doubting Thomas - Nickel Creek (outro)
[What will be left when I've drawn my last breath,
Besides the folks I've met and the folks who know me,
Will I discover a soul saving love,
Or just the dirt above and below me,
I'm a doubting Thomas,
I took a promise,
But I do not feel safe,
Oh me of little faith,
Sometimes I pray for a slap in the face,
Then I beg to be spared 'cause I'm a coward]
"it could be worse, y'know. Lord Stephen could have decided to burn you anyway."
He looked at me then, and his eyes were like lightning. "And I would have said thank you. So just shut up about how things could be worse, all right?" He drove his horse forward again.
I followed him.
There wasn't nothing else in the world I could do.
And a Felix/Mildmay song that didn't fit anywhere else.
Lovesong - Voltaire
[ However far away,
I will always love you.
However long I stay,
I will always love you.
Whatever words I say,
I will always love you;
I will always love you.]
It astonished me how much I missed Mildmay.
Enjoy. <3 Let me know if there are issues.