[fic] Reconnect (sequel to "Connect" and "Disconnect")
Title: Reconnect [Sequel to "Connect" and "Disconnect"] LAST PART
Author: MikkyBoom
Fandom: Super Junior
Rating: PG13 [for cussing. xD]
Pairing: Siwon and Hankyung and Heechul
Warnings(?): Uhmm... really sad Heechul that you want to hug? And omfg, I beta'd myelf for once. xD But I bet I still missed alot. /EDIT/I never posted the second part here, LOL @ me, so here's the link~ DISCONNECT
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It’s been a month now. A month of singing and dancing and talking, and Hankyung’s smiles have become much more genuine. Siwon likes to watch him sing and dance and play around with the other members, because it seems that slowly, his hyung is becoming that quiet-spoken, occasionally cute and ditzy man again. He thinks that maybe it has something to do with him being the leader of their group and having to look out for someone other then himself. (Really, the trouble Henry can get into just by going downstairs to the lounge because he really wants some junk food is amazing.)
Hankyung looks at him differently now, and Siwon likes that best of all. When he smiles at him, there’s a smile in his eyes too. Sometimes, he’ll wink at him, sometimes while he’s dancing, he’ll do a turn and stick his tongue out at him (which of course leads to immediate kissing) and those little gestures are incredible.
It’s a month of being peaceful and busy at the same time, laughing and sweating as they rush onstage, offstage, into the car for another performance.
They’ve finished another performance now, and Hankyung’s hand is in Siwon’s, and Henry and Ryeowook take turns making a big fuss about it and acting like eight year olds. Hankyung just laughs while Henry says “ewww, cooties!” It’s in English, but the tone of voice is the same in any language. Donghae and Zhoumi and Kyuhyun are intensely discussing some movie they watched last night, and it’s kind of funny how serious they are. Siwon notices the slight touch of Zhoumi’s hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder, and the look he gives him, and he nudges Hankyung’s side and nods to them.
Hankyung watches the two for a second, then he’s biting down on his lips to keep from giggling, because really, they’re cute.
Siwon bends his head down slightly and whispers, “Maybe we should stick Donghae into Ryeowook and Henry’s room?”
Hankyung laughs, bright and free, and shakes his head. “No, just let them... you know, come together. It’s better that way, you know?” He gives Siwon a knowing glance, and Siwon feels so so guilty because he knows that Hankyung has no idea that he hadn’t just “come together” with Siwon, but has been pushed and pulled without even knowing.
That night, Siwon almost falls asleep before Heechul calls.
“Yeah?” He’s tried and can barely keep his eyes open. He doesn’t know if he knows the script anymore.
“I’m in China.” Heechul’s voice is strained and rough, angry. “I’m in fucking China because the manager thinks that having me come over to show support for you guys will help you out and maybe make the crazy fucking fans less angry, and I’m at the airport so come get me, okay? Fuck.” Heechul hangs up and Siwon is wide-eyed.
“Siwon-ah?” Hankyung rises from the bed, shoulders naked and pale, rubbing at his eyes. “What’s the matter?” He sees Siwon’s face and he rises in a long graceful line, padding softly to rest his hand on Siwon’s cheek. Siwon looks up at him, swallows.
“Heechul’s here… For the company… I have to go pick him up…”
Hankyung goes from warm and sleepy to still and stunned. “He’s here?” He opens his mouth to say something more, but he can’t, and he’s lost in memories again, Siwon can tell, because his eyes are big and dark and he pads absently back to the bed to sit and stare at the wall in front of him.
Siwon wants to stay and comfort him, but for everything that’s happened, Heechul is important too, and he can’t leave him at a strange airport by himself. If he looks anything like he does the last time Siwon saw him, he’d be bothered by some perverts that don’t get that no, he’s not a fucking girl.
So he brushes his lips across the top of Hankyung’s head and leaves. On his way down stairs, he runs into Henry, who’s sneaking candy back into his room again. Henry looks up at him with wide eyes and says “Oh, hyung, oops,” and something in English, trying to hide the candy. Siwon just laughs, shakes his head.
“It’s okay, just this once.” He shakes his finger at him, and Henry is instantly smiling, all scrunched eyes and puffy cheeks and Siwon has a brief urge to reach out and just play with his cheeks, and he shakes his head and gives Henry a wave goodbye.
It doesn’t take long at all to get to the airport, while his mind is filled with thoughts and worries, and he hurries into the building, and Heechul’s right there, all angry stares and a foot tapping against the floor, a nervous gesture. He hates to admit it but Heechul looks too good for his own good, and for some reason, the appreciative looks the other man gets makes him angry.
“Hyung…” Heechul looks up at him, and there’s pain in his eyes, and exact same pain that’s in Hankyung’s.
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Heechul has been dying ever since he was told to come to China. He’s been angry and petulant, throwing temper tantrums at the slightest things, and even though most of the members don’t understand why he’s angry, Leeteuk knows and sighs because Heechul is breaking inside.
He’s finally been able to think, to just breathe without remember a soft voice and a soft smile, and just when he thinks that maybe he can make it after all… this.
He stands in the middle of the airport and taps his foot against the floor because he really wants to scream but he can’t. He has that much self-control, at least. He taps his foot and tries really hard not to throw up.
He’s just thinking that maybe he does have to throw up when Siwon calls his name, and God, even that hurts too. He looks up, and shrugs, and he’s angry again. He grabs his bags and stalks towards him, and he can’t say a word because what the hell is he supposed to say? So he walks and even through he feels like ducking his head and dying, he does have some self-respect.
He makes it to the parking lot before Siwon catches up to him. Siwon doesn’t say a word at first, then all of a sudden, Heechul’s being dragged into a warm hug, and he feels like crying.
“What are you doing?” He can hear that his voice is harsh and unsure.
“Hugging you because you look so lost, hyung.”
Heechul’s greatest weapon in the face of something like this is angry sarcasm. “So you hug the enemy? I don’t really want to hug you right now Siwon, not when you smell like him.”
Siwon pulls away, and his eyes are hurt, and Heechul doesn’t understand why this huge man is always so easily hurt, while Heechul's almost half his size and doesn’t hurt much anymore at all. But there’s something new in his eyes too, something subtle and strong. And instead of backing away, conceding the battle like he would’ve done before, he takes Heechul’s bags and leads them to his car. “Don’t be like that, hyung. You gave him up, remember? Instead of fighting for him, you gave up, so I don’t feel the least bit sorry for you.”
The ride home takes forever.
Heechul wants to laugh because Siwon doesn’t get it. What was there to fight for? As soon as Hankyung left, he would’ve been able to see that he deserves so much more than someone like Heechul, someone moody and temperamental and contrary, and he would’ve dropped Heechul faster then a nun with a dildo. How can he compete when one, he’s not even there, and two, his opponent is suave gracious sweet Siwon that can’t even kill flies around the dorms because they’re alive too, hyung.
Did Siwon really expect for him to let himself be cut open and torn if he didn’t have to? Heechul’s not that selfless.
“Does he know?” Heechul asks the question as they pull into the parking lot of the dorm the others are staying at.
“Yes.” Siwon looks over at him.
“Does he still think that I only saw him as a good fuck?” Heechul raises the corner of his lips. He has to do this right, can’t possibly show anyone that he’s not as stable as they think he is…And Siwon doesn’t count because Siwon is Siwon and Siwon never tells.
“Yes.” Siwon’s voice is tight, and Heechul knows that he’s angry about that part, at least.
“Good.” Heechul closes his eyes, breathes in, and when his eyes are opened, he’s smiling and he looks like he’s having the time of his life. “Well, come on, Siwon-ah, let’s go party.” He laughs and slides out of the car, and why is it so easy to fall into this role?
Siwon leads him into the building, and as soon he steps in, Donghae and Ryeowook have launched themselves at him, and they’re all laughing and talking at once, and Kyuhyun gets a special hug all his own because Kyuhyun is Kyuhyun. Heechul grins, bows to Zhoumi, who looks just a little nervous and is impeccably polite, and Heechul hugs Henry because that boy is unbelievably cute and Heechul sometimes watches him when they perform and wants to tuck him in his pocket and carry him around like a cell phone charm.
And he looks up, grinning, and there’s Hankyung, dressed in baggy sweatpants and a loose t-shirt that’s falling around his shoulder, eyes blank. Heechul grips his heart in a headlock and throws him a grin.
“Hankyung-ah! Come here, let me hug you, I bet you’ve forgotten all your Korean by now, huh? Did you practice like I told you to?” Heechul goes to him and hugs him, and talks and talks and laughs and tries not to think about the way Hankyung’s eyes get dark and fluid when he’s laying in the bed with his back arched and his hips rolling.
Hankyung doesn’t say a word to him, but he manages to smile, to nod, and it actually does look like old times.
Heechul gets to room with Zhoumi, because they all say that Zhoumi’s the neatest and the quietest, and they know that Heechul doesn’t like rooming with anyone that’ll rub him the wrong way. Heechul laughs, he doesn’t care.
He sits on his bed, and when Zhoumi closes the door behind him as he walks in, Heechul can’t help but sigh and wince.
He’s startled when Zhoumi sits next to him, and he reminds him so much of Siwon. “It’s hard?” His Korean is much more different then Hankyung’s, who’s gotten better and better. His is much softer, and his voice is slightly deeper, not as raspy as Hankyung’s is sometimes.
Heechul looks at him and shrugs. “What’s hard? The plane ride? Because it wasn’t that bad and-“
“You and Hankyung-gege.” Zhoumi stops his flow of words with a bittersweet smile. “Both of you are dying. It’s no good to lie like this.” He doesn’t say anything more, just nods and smiles, and then he’s gone, throwing a “Bathroom” over his shoulder.
Heechul rubs his face in his hands. Is he that transparent? No, because the others didn’t catch on. Not even Hankyung. He thinks that maybe Zhoumi’s got a talent, and no wonder he’s apart of the group. He’s like Kyuhyun, but definitely more out-spoken. Probably the real mother of the group.
It’s easy to bury his head in the pillow and think about suffocating himself to death because nothing can hurt as much as this and…
Heechul’s waking up, and he doesn’t remember falling asleep. He’s slept in his clothes, and while that’s something he normally can’t stand, today he can’t care. He’s still so tired, and he wants to go back to sleep. As he starts to bury himself back into the bed, the bright light from the window catches his attention, and so does the note resting on the nightstand beside him.
Gone for some shows, how tiring.
Will be back soon, sleep lots and be lazy! ^^
-Ryeowook
Heechul laughs. Ryeowook is even Ryeowook on paper.
He likes that the dorm is empty, that he can stop acting for just a little bit.
His shower is quick; water is dangerous because water equals Hankyung being on his knees in front him and Hankyung's hair being dark. He can’t eat because the kitchen is Hankyung too, the kitchen is Hankyung laughing as he cooks, Heechul bothering him and making him swat at him, making him press a kiss into Heechul’s hair and sending him away to play with Heebum. He can’t watch TV either, because the TV is in the living room, and the living room is lying on the couch with his head in Hankyung’s lap, long thin fingers playing with his hair, and laughing at whatever show they're watching. So he hides in his room, because the room is only him and Zhoumi, and that’s not dangerous to think about.
Heechul lies in bed and stares up at the ceiling. He’s going to go crazy like this.
And before he knows it, he’s sobbing, and his body hurts, and he’s only got the pillow to cry on. He’s never felt so lonely before in his life. It didn’t even hurt like this when Hankyung left, only now because he’s surrounded by Hankyung but he can’t have him. He doesn’t try to hide the rough sounds from his throat, because there’s no one in the dorm, and every time he thinks he’s done, fresh sobs are bursting out.
Siwon finds him like this.
Heechul feels himself being hugged, being held close, and he can’t even pretend its Hankyung because everything about this body is different, but at least it’s Siwon, Siwon that always takes care of him even if it hurts himself.
Siwon speaks to him in a mix of Chinese and Korean, and it’s soothing, and Heechul wonders if Siwon knows that he’s even slipping Chinese into it. His hand on Heechul’s back is soothing, and Heechul stops crying, eyes and head burning as he slumps against Siwon’s shoulders.
The room is silent for moments before Heechul speaks.
“It really hurts and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Everything reminds me of him, and I think I’m breaking without him.” His voice is still hoarse.
He dimly thinks that it’s really rude to be saying this to the man who’s currently involved with Hankyung, but it’s only a dim thought, because Siwon’s Siwon. Siwon is selfless and lets himself be used without thought.
He pulls away, rubs his eyes, and avoids Siwon’s eyes.
“Hyung… We can’t do this anymore. You’re hurting and Hankyung’s hurting and it’s just plain stupid for this to be happening.” Siwon stands and pulls Heechul suddenly up. Heechul shoots a surprised look at him, and Siwon’s face is dark and tired.
“Let’s go fix this.”
And Heechul is suddenly being lead into Hankyung and Siwon’s room and he can’t think at all.
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Siwon can’t take this anymore. Hankyung has suddenly fallen silent, speaking only when absolutely necessary. He looks worn-down, and he doesn’t sleep at night. Siwon holds him close in the bed, and Hankyung squeezes his hand, but he doesn’t talk, and he doesn’t sleep.
Heechul doesn’t look any better either. No matter how much he smiles and laughs, there’s a tension in his body, and Siwon can tell he’s going to break at any second. When he laughs, the others think he’s happy, but Siwon can see the wild look in his eyes. Heechul is trapped.
So when he finds him sobbing, his heart drops into his stomach, and he can’t be greedy anymore. This is his fault too, because he’s broken something whole and perfect, and now he’s keeping them apart. He can’t do it anymore. If he hurts, its okay. How can it be anything more then what Hankyung and Heechul are holding deep inside themselves? It doesn’t matter that he loves Hankyung more then he loves anyone one else in the world, it’s because he loves him. And Heechul, well, when it came to Heechul, everything was twisted and upside down, but hurting him feels like hurting himself too.
Siwon opens the door to his room, and Hankyung looks up from the bed, and his eyes widen as Siwon pulls a silent Heechul in behind him. Siwon closes the door behind him, leans against it. Heechul and Hankyung stare at each other, quietly, and he knows that Hankyung can see that tear tracks on Heechul’s face, and Heechul can see the weariness in Hankyung’s eyes.
The room is so silent, too silent, and Siwon hopes that the two of them will get the message, get the point.
His prayers are heard as Heechul lets out a soft, “I’m sorry… Oh god, I’m so sorry…” And he clamps a hand over his mouth and closes his eyes because that’s how Heechul is. It takes Hankyung only a second to rise and wrap Heechul in his arms, and Heechul’s bawling again. Hankyung swallows, runs his hands up and down Heechul’s back. “It’s okay…” His voice is full of wonderment and desperation, and Heechul cries harder.
Siwon sighs and leans his weight more into the door. He turns his head, because he wants to see and doesn’t want to see at the same time. His own heart is thumping, beating faster, because he’s so happy that they’re together, but he wants so sleep for a long time because now he’s alone too. So he sighs again, softly, and turns without looking back, and is almost out of the room before, “Siwon!’
He turns, and Hankyung and Heechul are both looking at him with scared eyes, and Hankyung has his hand out to him.
“We can’t… We don’t know how to make it better…” Heechul’s voice is timid, and it’s the strangest thing on earth to hear.
“Don’t leave us.” Hankyung gives him a pleading look.
Siwon looks back and forth between the two, and even though he has no idea what’s going to happen, how they’re going to do what he thinks they’re going to do, he takes Hankyung's hand, and Hankyung squeezes hard, and Heechul smiles.
Author: MikkyBoom
Fandom: Super Junior
Rating: PG13 [for cussing. xD]
Pairing: Siwon and Hankyung and Heechul
Warnings(?): Uhmm... really sad Heechul that you want to hug? And omfg, I beta'd myelf for once. xD But I bet I still missed alot. /EDIT/I never posted the second part here, LOL @ me, so here's the link~ DISCONNECT
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It’s been a month now. A month of singing and dancing and talking, and Hankyung’s smiles have become much more genuine. Siwon likes to watch him sing and dance and play around with the other members, because it seems that slowly, his hyung is becoming that quiet-spoken, occasionally cute and ditzy man again. He thinks that maybe it has something to do with him being the leader of their group and having to look out for someone other then himself. (Really, the trouble Henry can get into just by going downstairs to the lounge because he really wants some junk food is amazing.)
Hankyung looks at him differently now, and Siwon likes that best of all. When he smiles at him, there’s a smile in his eyes too. Sometimes, he’ll wink at him, sometimes while he’s dancing, he’ll do a turn and stick his tongue out at him (which of course leads to immediate kissing) and those little gestures are incredible.
It’s a month of being peaceful and busy at the same time, laughing and sweating as they rush onstage, offstage, into the car for another performance.
They’ve finished another performance now, and Hankyung’s hand is in Siwon’s, and Henry and Ryeowook take turns making a big fuss about it and acting like eight year olds. Hankyung just laughs while Henry says “ewww, cooties!” It’s in English, but the tone of voice is the same in any language. Donghae and Zhoumi and Kyuhyun are intensely discussing some movie they watched last night, and it’s kind of funny how serious they are. Siwon notices the slight touch of Zhoumi’s hand on Kyuhyun’s shoulder, and the look he gives him, and he nudges Hankyung’s side and nods to them.
Hankyung watches the two for a second, then he’s biting down on his lips to keep from giggling, because really, they’re cute.
Siwon bends his head down slightly and whispers, “Maybe we should stick Donghae into Ryeowook and Henry’s room?”
Hankyung laughs, bright and free, and shakes his head. “No, just let them... you know, come together. It’s better that way, you know?” He gives Siwon a knowing glance, and Siwon feels so so guilty because he knows that Hankyung has no idea that he hadn’t just “come together” with Siwon, but has been pushed and pulled without even knowing.
That night, Siwon almost falls asleep before Heechul calls.
“Yeah?” He’s tried and can barely keep his eyes open. He doesn’t know if he knows the script anymore.
“I’m in China.” Heechul’s voice is strained and rough, angry. “I’m in fucking China because the manager thinks that having me come over to show support for you guys will help you out and maybe make the crazy fucking fans less angry, and I’m at the airport so come get me, okay? Fuck.” Heechul hangs up and Siwon is wide-eyed.
“Siwon-ah?” Hankyung rises from the bed, shoulders naked and pale, rubbing at his eyes. “What’s the matter?” He sees Siwon’s face and he rises in a long graceful line, padding softly to rest his hand on Siwon’s cheek. Siwon looks up at him, swallows.
“Heechul’s here… For the company… I have to go pick him up…”
Hankyung goes from warm and sleepy to still and stunned. “He’s here?” He opens his mouth to say something more, but he can’t, and he’s lost in memories again, Siwon can tell, because his eyes are big and dark and he pads absently back to the bed to sit and stare at the wall in front of him.
Siwon wants to stay and comfort him, but for everything that’s happened, Heechul is important too, and he can’t leave him at a strange airport by himself. If he looks anything like he does the last time Siwon saw him, he’d be bothered by some perverts that don’t get that no, he’s not a fucking girl.
So he brushes his lips across the top of Hankyung’s head and leaves. On his way down stairs, he runs into Henry, who’s sneaking candy back into his room again. Henry looks up at him with wide eyes and says “Oh, hyung, oops,” and something in English, trying to hide the candy. Siwon just laughs, shakes his head.
“It’s okay, just this once.” He shakes his finger at him, and Henry is instantly smiling, all scrunched eyes and puffy cheeks and Siwon has a brief urge to reach out and just play with his cheeks, and he shakes his head and gives Henry a wave goodbye.
It doesn’t take long at all to get to the airport, while his mind is filled with thoughts and worries, and he hurries into the building, and Heechul’s right there, all angry stares and a foot tapping against the floor, a nervous gesture. He hates to admit it but Heechul looks too good for his own good, and for some reason, the appreciative looks the other man gets makes him angry.
“Hyung…” Heechul looks up at him, and there’s pain in his eyes, and exact same pain that’s in Hankyung’s.
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Heechul has been dying ever since he was told to come to China. He’s been angry and petulant, throwing temper tantrums at the slightest things, and even though most of the members don’t understand why he’s angry, Leeteuk knows and sighs because Heechul is breaking inside.
He’s finally been able to think, to just breathe without remember a soft voice and a soft smile, and just when he thinks that maybe he can make it after all… this.
He stands in the middle of the airport and taps his foot against the floor because he really wants to scream but he can’t. He has that much self-control, at least. He taps his foot and tries really hard not to throw up.
He’s just thinking that maybe he does have to throw up when Siwon calls his name, and God, even that hurts too. He looks up, and shrugs, and he’s angry again. He grabs his bags and stalks towards him, and he can’t say a word because what the hell is he supposed to say? So he walks and even through he feels like ducking his head and dying, he does have some self-respect.
He makes it to the parking lot before Siwon catches up to him. Siwon doesn’t say a word at first, then all of a sudden, Heechul’s being dragged into a warm hug, and he feels like crying.
“What are you doing?” He can hear that his voice is harsh and unsure.
“Hugging you because you look so lost, hyung.”
Heechul’s greatest weapon in the face of something like this is angry sarcasm. “So you hug the enemy? I don’t really want to hug you right now Siwon, not when you smell like him.”
Siwon pulls away, and his eyes are hurt, and Heechul doesn’t understand why this huge man is always so easily hurt, while Heechul's almost half his size and doesn’t hurt much anymore at all. But there’s something new in his eyes too, something subtle and strong. And instead of backing away, conceding the battle like he would’ve done before, he takes Heechul’s bags and leads them to his car. “Don’t be like that, hyung. You gave him up, remember? Instead of fighting for him, you gave up, so I don’t feel the least bit sorry for you.”
The ride home takes forever.
Heechul wants to laugh because Siwon doesn’t get it. What was there to fight for? As soon as Hankyung left, he would’ve been able to see that he deserves so much more than someone like Heechul, someone moody and temperamental and contrary, and he would’ve dropped Heechul faster then a nun with a dildo. How can he compete when one, he’s not even there, and two, his opponent is suave gracious sweet Siwon that can’t even kill flies around the dorms because they’re alive too, hyung.
Did Siwon really expect for him to let himself be cut open and torn if he didn’t have to? Heechul’s not that selfless.
“Does he know?” Heechul asks the question as they pull into the parking lot of the dorm the others are staying at.
“Yes.” Siwon looks over at him.
“Does he still think that I only saw him as a good fuck?” Heechul raises the corner of his lips. He has to do this right, can’t possibly show anyone that he’s not as stable as they think he is…And Siwon doesn’t count because Siwon is Siwon and Siwon never tells.
“Yes.” Siwon’s voice is tight, and Heechul knows that he’s angry about that part, at least.
“Good.” Heechul closes his eyes, breathes in, and when his eyes are opened, he’s smiling and he looks like he’s having the time of his life. “Well, come on, Siwon-ah, let’s go party.” He laughs and slides out of the car, and why is it so easy to fall into this role?
Siwon leads him into the building, and as soon he steps in, Donghae and Ryeowook have launched themselves at him, and they’re all laughing and talking at once, and Kyuhyun gets a special hug all his own because Kyuhyun is Kyuhyun. Heechul grins, bows to Zhoumi, who looks just a little nervous and is impeccably polite, and Heechul hugs Henry because that boy is unbelievably cute and Heechul sometimes watches him when they perform and wants to tuck him in his pocket and carry him around like a cell phone charm.
And he looks up, grinning, and there’s Hankyung, dressed in baggy sweatpants and a loose t-shirt that’s falling around his shoulder, eyes blank. Heechul grips his heart in a headlock and throws him a grin.
“Hankyung-ah! Come here, let me hug you, I bet you’ve forgotten all your Korean by now, huh? Did you practice like I told you to?” Heechul goes to him and hugs him, and talks and talks and laughs and tries not to think about the way Hankyung’s eyes get dark and fluid when he’s laying in the bed with his back arched and his hips rolling.
Hankyung doesn’t say a word to him, but he manages to smile, to nod, and it actually does look like old times.
Heechul gets to room with Zhoumi, because they all say that Zhoumi’s the neatest and the quietest, and they know that Heechul doesn’t like rooming with anyone that’ll rub him the wrong way. Heechul laughs, he doesn’t care.
He sits on his bed, and when Zhoumi closes the door behind him as he walks in, Heechul can’t help but sigh and wince.
He’s startled when Zhoumi sits next to him, and he reminds him so much of Siwon. “It’s hard?” His Korean is much more different then Hankyung’s, who’s gotten better and better. His is much softer, and his voice is slightly deeper, not as raspy as Hankyung’s is sometimes.
Heechul looks at him and shrugs. “What’s hard? The plane ride? Because it wasn’t that bad and-“
“You and Hankyung-gege.” Zhoumi stops his flow of words with a bittersweet smile. “Both of you are dying. It’s no good to lie like this.” He doesn’t say anything more, just nods and smiles, and then he’s gone, throwing a “Bathroom” over his shoulder.
Heechul rubs his face in his hands. Is he that transparent? No, because the others didn’t catch on. Not even Hankyung. He thinks that maybe Zhoumi’s got a talent, and no wonder he’s apart of the group. He’s like Kyuhyun, but definitely more out-spoken. Probably the real mother of the group.
It’s easy to bury his head in the pillow and think about suffocating himself to death because nothing can hurt as much as this and…
Heechul’s waking up, and he doesn’t remember falling asleep. He’s slept in his clothes, and while that’s something he normally can’t stand, today he can’t care. He’s still so tired, and he wants to go back to sleep. As he starts to bury himself back into the bed, the bright light from the window catches his attention, and so does the note resting on the nightstand beside him.
Gone for some shows, how tiring.
Will be back soon, sleep lots and be lazy! ^^
-Ryeowook
Heechul laughs. Ryeowook is even Ryeowook on paper.
He likes that the dorm is empty, that he can stop acting for just a little bit.
His shower is quick; water is dangerous because water equals Hankyung being on his knees in front him and Hankyung's hair being dark. He can’t eat because the kitchen is Hankyung too, the kitchen is Hankyung laughing as he cooks, Heechul bothering him and making him swat at him, making him press a kiss into Heechul’s hair and sending him away to play with Heebum. He can’t watch TV either, because the TV is in the living room, and the living room is lying on the couch with his head in Hankyung’s lap, long thin fingers playing with his hair, and laughing at whatever show they're watching. So he hides in his room, because the room is only him and Zhoumi, and that’s not dangerous to think about.
Heechul lies in bed and stares up at the ceiling. He’s going to go crazy like this.
And before he knows it, he’s sobbing, and his body hurts, and he’s only got the pillow to cry on. He’s never felt so lonely before in his life. It didn’t even hurt like this when Hankyung left, only now because he’s surrounded by Hankyung but he can’t have him. He doesn’t try to hide the rough sounds from his throat, because there’s no one in the dorm, and every time he thinks he’s done, fresh sobs are bursting out.
Siwon finds him like this.
Heechul feels himself being hugged, being held close, and he can’t even pretend its Hankyung because everything about this body is different, but at least it’s Siwon, Siwon that always takes care of him even if it hurts himself.
Siwon speaks to him in a mix of Chinese and Korean, and it’s soothing, and Heechul wonders if Siwon knows that he’s even slipping Chinese into it. His hand on Heechul’s back is soothing, and Heechul stops crying, eyes and head burning as he slumps against Siwon’s shoulders.
The room is silent for moments before Heechul speaks.
“It really hurts and I don’t know what I’m going to do. Everything reminds me of him, and I think I’m breaking without him.” His voice is still hoarse.
He dimly thinks that it’s really rude to be saying this to the man who’s currently involved with Hankyung, but it’s only a dim thought, because Siwon’s Siwon. Siwon is selfless and lets himself be used without thought.
He pulls away, rubs his eyes, and avoids Siwon’s eyes.
“Hyung… We can’t do this anymore. You’re hurting and Hankyung’s hurting and it’s just plain stupid for this to be happening.” Siwon stands and pulls Heechul suddenly up. Heechul shoots a surprised look at him, and Siwon’s face is dark and tired.
“Let’s go fix this.”
And Heechul is suddenly being lead into Hankyung and Siwon’s room and he can’t think at all.
----------
Siwon can’t take this anymore. Hankyung has suddenly fallen silent, speaking only when absolutely necessary. He looks worn-down, and he doesn’t sleep at night. Siwon holds him close in the bed, and Hankyung squeezes his hand, but he doesn’t talk, and he doesn’t sleep.
Heechul doesn’t look any better either. No matter how much he smiles and laughs, there’s a tension in his body, and Siwon can tell he’s going to break at any second. When he laughs, the others think he’s happy, but Siwon can see the wild look in his eyes. Heechul is trapped.
So when he finds him sobbing, his heart drops into his stomach, and he can’t be greedy anymore. This is his fault too, because he’s broken something whole and perfect, and now he’s keeping them apart. He can’t do it anymore. If he hurts, its okay. How can it be anything more then what Hankyung and Heechul are holding deep inside themselves? It doesn’t matter that he loves Hankyung more then he loves anyone one else in the world, it’s because he loves him. And Heechul, well, when it came to Heechul, everything was twisted and upside down, but hurting him feels like hurting himself too.
Siwon opens the door to his room, and Hankyung looks up from the bed, and his eyes widen as Siwon pulls a silent Heechul in behind him. Siwon closes the door behind him, leans against it. Heechul and Hankyung stare at each other, quietly, and he knows that Hankyung can see that tear tracks on Heechul’s face, and Heechul can see the weariness in Hankyung’s eyes.
The room is so silent, too silent, and Siwon hopes that the two of them will get the message, get the point.
His prayers are heard as Heechul lets out a soft, “I’m sorry… Oh god, I’m so sorry…” And he clamps a hand over his mouth and closes his eyes because that’s how Heechul is. It takes Hankyung only a second to rise and wrap Heechul in his arms, and Heechul’s bawling again. Hankyung swallows, runs his hands up and down Heechul’s back. “It’s okay…” His voice is full of wonderment and desperation, and Heechul cries harder.
Siwon sighs and leans his weight more into the door. He turns his head, because he wants to see and doesn’t want to see at the same time. His own heart is thumping, beating faster, because he’s so happy that they’re together, but he wants so sleep for a long time because now he’s alone too. So he sighs again, softly, and turns without looking back, and is almost out of the room before, “Siwon!’
He turns, and Hankyung and Heechul are both looking at him with scared eyes, and Hankyung has his hand out to him.
“We can’t… We don’t know how to make it better…” Heechul’s voice is timid, and it’s the strangest thing on earth to hear.
“Don’t leave us.” Hankyung gives him a pleading look.
Siwon looks back and forth between the two, and even though he has no idea what’s going to happen, how they’re going to do what he thinks they’re going to do, he takes Hankyung's hand, and Hankyung squeezes hard, and Heechul smiles.