[fic] Darkness Eyes
Title: Darkness Eyes
Author: MikkyBoom
Fandom: Super Junior
Rating: NC17 [i think, kinda? just to be safe!]
Pairing: SiHan
Warnings(?): Uhmmm, messeduplove? Being hurt really bad during sex. And angsty, oh so angsty.
Note: I wrote this listening to DBSK's "Darkness Eyes", thinking I was gonna write some super awesome sexy smut, but instead it came out all OUCH like this. And heythere_hannah beta'd again for me. I think she's the new love in my life. lmao<3.
-----
His hands are tied above him, he yanks and pulls, and feels the skin of his wrists tatter and peel. Siwon’s head hangs down, and his fingers sink into the skin of his hips as he pounds in.
Hankyung can’t do anything but moan and strain against him, but oh, he’s forgotten, he’s forgotten that he’s not allowed to talk.
And before he can think, Siwon’s out of him, and his eyes are dead as he slaps him, but Hankyung can feel his warmth in the way his cheek stings.
He presses his face against the pillow, tries to hold back the tears, because he needs this so bad, needs to feel Siwon, hot and heavy over him, but Siwon’s gone now, the door closing softly behind him.
Hankyung screams around the gag in his mouth, and he maybe goes momentarily crazy, because he’s screaming and yelling and thrashing against the bed, and he can feel his blood start to slide down his wrists.
Eunhyuk finds him in the morning, staring blankly at the wall across from him, and it takes everything inside him not to scream and yell, and instead, he unties Hankyung’s arms, tries not to stare at the deep red flaked across his arms, pulls the gag out of his mouth. He stands by the bed, unsure, but when Hankyung sits up without a word, he flees the room, hand clamped over his mouth. He has to throw up.
---
“Hyung, what are you doing today?” Siwon is all smiles as he sits down next to Hankyung on the touch, reaching out and holding his hand.
Hankyung smiles back. “Nothing much, just… relaxing, because I have the chance.”
“Sounds nice.” Siwon laughs, settles down next to him to watch the TV screen.
It’s Hankyung’s turn to be blind, and tell himself that he knows nothing about the way his wrists throb underneath the sleeves of his shirt.
---
Hands tied behind his back, Hankyung kneels in the middle of the bed, head hanging, eyes covered. His mouth is left uncovered, for today, he’s learnt his lesson. He won’t make a sound.
Siwon’s fingers are soft on the small of his back, they brush down. Hankyung’s muscles jump, and he bites down hard on his bottom lip to keep the noises in. He tastes something metallic, and it’s his blood. How many times as he tasted blood now? He’s become a vampire for blood and pain and cum.
He clenches his eyes shut as he feels Siwon shove fingers inside him, roughly. Everything burns, but it’s something he can handle, something he craves. He needs to have Siwon smile at him, needs to have him love him, and if this is the only way, then he’ll do it, he’ll do it all.
Siwon’s fingers are gone. Hankyung tries hard to listen, tries hard to figure out what’s next, but then he can’t think at all, because something’s being shoved inside him, and it’s cold and huge and he can feel something give away, and there’s a slow ooze of something warm and wet. He wants to throw up, he’s already crying. How much can he hurt in one night?
It’s in deeper, deeper, and his body is going to be torn apart, and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t keep in the tiny cry he lets out.
Hands shove him roughly away, push his limp body, and the floor is cold when he falls onto it.
“No no no-“ His pleads are soft and rush and he tries hard to find Siwon with his blind eyes, because Siwon can’t leave, can’t leave him like this, and he doesn’t want Siwon to be angry but he’s probably so so so angry, and when the door closes without any other sound, he sobs into the wood of the floor, because everything is empty without Siwon.
Sungmin finds him in the morning, and he lets out a small sound as he closes the door behind him and rushes to Hankyung.
Hankyung feels the hands untie whatever it is that’s around his eyes, feels his hands being untied. He keeps his eyes closed because he doesn’t want to deal with the pity in Sungmin’s. Sungmin makes a noise, a moan?, when he sees the blood between Hankyung’s legs, and Hankyung perversely wants to see if Sungmin is crying. He wonders what it feels like to cry.
He opens his eyes, pushes himself up off the floor, and Sungmin is kneeling beside him, and tears are running down his cheeks, over his hand as he covers his mouth.
Hankyung shakes his head, pushes himself up.
He needs to fix what he’s done. He needs Siwon to love him again, to love him again.
---
Hankyung knows that he’s dying inside. He’s withering away, turning into a pile of ashes and lies, but he can’t stop himself. He can’t stop the steady decline into madness, because to stop means to give up. And what does that say about him, that he would rather go mad trying to find peace rather then giving up what’s causing his madness and being delivered from it all?
He’s quiet as he moves among the others, a silent ghost, a gust of wind in their hair. Donghae clenches his teeth every time he seems him, and Leeteuk frowns. Kibum tries to grasp with soft words, but it’s nothing to Hankyung now. Sungmin can’t look at his face.
Everything’s a mess of tangles spider webs, chaos spinning in a rhythm that Hankyung can’t match, can’t dance to.
His eyes are dark and seeking, seeking, but there’s never a light to find, never a way to escape in peace.
Siwon acts like he sees nothing, because he doesn’t see. Siwon is blind and unfeeling. He is coldness and grace, a mask of smiles and fast words.
Hankyung needs him so much he’s dying for him.
---
Hankyung is sleeping, dreaming of spiders and scorpions and vampires that never take all your blood, when he’s awakened abruptly, suddenly, fingers being shoved into his body.
His eyes fly open, and his first instinct is to scream, but a hand closes over his mouth, and it’s Siwon’s hand, so he only clenches his fingers into the bed beneath him.
He doesn’t make a sound this time.
Hankyung is silent, very silent, as Siwon fucks him into the bed, cums, leaves the same way he came in. He cries silently too, as he’s alone in his bed, shoulders shaking because Siwon touched his cheek before he left.
Siwon’s happy, so he’s happy too.
---
“You have to fucking stop.”
Hankyung freezes with his hand on the doorknob, second away from opening the door to his room and stepping into the hallway.
Kangin’s voice is rough, a whisper. “You need to stop all this shit, Siwon.”
Hankyung’s heart skips a beat when Siwon talks. “Stop what?”
“You know what the fuck I’m talking about. This is out of control. I don’t care if you fuck, it’s your business. But it’s my business when you leave bruises and bloodstains.”
Siwon’s voice is tight, angry. “That’s actually none of your business either, hyung, so please mind your own business.”
Hankyung knows the sounds of flesh hitting flesh.
He steps back away from the door, backs up to fall on his bed. He wants to cry. Bruises and bloodstains, who knew Kangin could be so eloquent?
He doesn’t have time to think of anything else before his door is flying open, and Siwon stalks in, and his eyes are bright, so bright, and there’s a bruise forming on his face.
And for the first time, when Siwon reaches out for him, Hankyung is scared, not excited.
---
Hankyung goes to the doctor the next day, and his sprained wrist is because he was dancing and missed a step and fell on it wrong. The bruises on his neck are nothing, he and the boys were playing around and gotten too rough, just being boys. The gashes on his thigh are because he’s silly and clumsy, and should’ve paid more attention when he was cooking, instead of being distracted and dropping the knife.
The doctor is nice and kind and smiles and nods, and sends Hankyung on his way with painkillers and scolding words. Just because you’re young doesn’t mean you don’t need to be careful! You’re not immortal, young man.
Hankyung laughs on the way back to the dorms. He is immortal. He’ll never die, because he doesn’t do anything that Siwon doesn’t want.
---
“I love you, you know.” Siwon’s voice is soft in the dark, and Hankyung doesn’t realize he’s talking. His body aches, his heart hurts, and he’s holding back tears and hysterical laughter. He can’t breathe properly because Siwon has only now let go of his throat.
“I love you, and the way you let me do anything to you. I love you, but sometimes I wish I could give you something normal. Don’t forget I love you.”
Hankyung’s body jumps when Siwon lies down beside him again, arms around his waist.
“You should’ve told me… That you couldn’t keep up… That it wasn’t what you needed anymore.”
Hankyung’s voice is hoarse as he talks. “I don’t want to disappoint you…”
Siwon’s forehead is burning against his back. “Hyung… You can’t do anything to disappoint me. I’m so sorry…”
And Hankyung cries, and Siwon cries.
---
The next time Siwon closes his hands around Hankyung’s throat, Hankyung stares up at him, and Siwon lets go with a small noise and leaves the room.
Hankyung rolls over in his bed.
Maybe they’ll never get better. Maybe Siwon will need it too much, the power and the pain. Hankyung knows that if he wants it, Hankyung will give it to him. Hankyung will give him everything. Hankyung already has given him everything.
His body and his soul and his mind belong to Siwon, and at this point, Hankyung wouldn’t even know what to do on his own.
Hankyung thinks that he’ll never be his own person again.
---
Siwon has him tied up, again, but he doesn’t cover his mouth, doesn’t cover his eyes. He’s staring at Hankyung, and Hankyung is staring back at him.
When Siwon grabs his hair and yanks his hair back, Hankyung sighs, closes his eyes and tires not to think about the pain. When Siwon is taking him dry, Hankyung thinks of kitchen pots and white sleeves that he dances with.
Siwon is rough and thoughtless, and Hankyung doesn’t try to stop him.
Is it bad? He’s missed this too.
Hankyung needs Siwon to leaves bruises and bloodstains on his body, because it’s Siwon’s love, and Hankyung’s love is to take it all within his body and nourish it, cherish.
This is never going to stop, Hankyung doesn’t want it to, Siwon doesn’t try, and Hankyung can feel the blood on his wrists again, and he wishes he was a vampire so he could drink his blood back up, and he’d never die, never die, only hurt and feel and love.
Author: MikkyBoom
Fandom: Super Junior
Rating: NC17 [i think, kinda? just to be safe!]
Pairing: SiHan
Warnings(?): Uhmmm, messeduplove? Being hurt really bad during sex. And angsty, oh so angsty.
Note: I wrote this listening to DBSK's "Darkness Eyes", thinking I was gonna write some super awesome sexy smut, but instead it came out all OUCH like this. And heythere_hannah beta'd again for me. I think she's the new love in my life. lmao<3.
-----
His hands are tied above him, he yanks and pulls, and feels the skin of his wrists tatter and peel. Siwon’s head hangs down, and his fingers sink into the skin of his hips as he pounds in.
Hankyung can’t do anything but moan and strain against him, but oh, he’s forgotten, he’s forgotten that he’s not allowed to talk.
And before he can think, Siwon’s out of him, and his eyes are dead as he slaps him, but Hankyung can feel his warmth in the way his cheek stings.
He presses his face against the pillow, tries to hold back the tears, because he needs this so bad, needs to feel Siwon, hot and heavy over him, but Siwon’s gone now, the door closing softly behind him.
Hankyung screams around the gag in his mouth, and he maybe goes momentarily crazy, because he’s screaming and yelling and thrashing against the bed, and he can feel his blood start to slide down his wrists.
Eunhyuk finds him in the morning, staring blankly at the wall across from him, and it takes everything inside him not to scream and yell, and instead, he unties Hankyung’s arms, tries not to stare at the deep red flaked across his arms, pulls the gag out of his mouth. He stands by the bed, unsure, but when Hankyung sits up without a word, he flees the room, hand clamped over his mouth. He has to throw up.
---
“Hyung, what are you doing today?” Siwon is all smiles as he sits down next to Hankyung on the touch, reaching out and holding his hand.
Hankyung smiles back. “Nothing much, just… relaxing, because I have the chance.”
“Sounds nice.” Siwon laughs, settles down next to him to watch the TV screen.
It’s Hankyung’s turn to be blind, and tell himself that he knows nothing about the way his wrists throb underneath the sleeves of his shirt.
---
Hands tied behind his back, Hankyung kneels in the middle of the bed, head hanging, eyes covered. His mouth is left uncovered, for today, he’s learnt his lesson. He won’t make a sound.
Siwon’s fingers are soft on the small of his back, they brush down. Hankyung’s muscles jump, and he bites down hard on his bottom lip to keep the noises in. He tastes something metallic, and it’s his blood. How many times as he tasted blood now? He’s become a vampire for blood and pain and cum.
He clenches his eyes shut as he feels Siwon shove fingers inside him, roughly. Everything burns, but it’s something he can handle, something he craves. He needs to have Siwon smile at him, needs to have him love him, and if this is the only way, then he’ll do it, he’ll do it all.
Siwon’s fingers are gone. Hankyung tries hard to listen, tries hard to figure out what’s next, but then he can’t think at all, because something’s being shoved inside him, and it’s cold and huge and he can feel something give away, and there’s a slow ooze of something warm and wet. He wants to throw up, he’s already crying. How much can he hurt in one night?
It’s in deeper, deeper, and his body is going to be torn apart, and no matter how hard he tries, he can’t keep in the tiny cry he lets out.
Hands shove him roughly away, push his limp body, and the floor is cold when he falls onto it.
“No no no-“ His pleads are soft and rush and he tries hard to find Siwon with his blind eyes, because Siwon can’t leave, can’t leave him like this, and he doesn’t want Siwon to be angry but he’s probably so so so angry, and when the door closes without any other sound, he sobs into the wood of the floor, because everything is empty without Siwon.
Sungmin finds him in the morning, and he lets out a small sound as he closes the door behind him and rushes to Hankyung.
Hankyung feels the hands untie whatever it is that’s around his eyes, feels his hands being untied. He keeps his eyes closed because he doesn’t want to deal with the pity in Sungmin’s. Sungmin makes a noise, a moan?, when he sees the blood between Hankyung’s legs, and Hankyung perversely wants to see if Sungmin is crying. He wonders what it feels like to cry.
He opens his eyes, pushes himself up off the floor, and Sungmin is kneeling beside him, and tears are running down his cheeks, over his hand as he covers his mouth.
Hankyung shakes his head, pushes himself up.
He needs to fix what he’s done. He needs Siwon to love him again, to love him again.
---
Hankyung knows that he’s dying inside. He’s withering away, turning into a pile of ashes and lies, but he can’t stop himself. He can’t stop the steady decline into madness, because to stop means to give up. And what does that say about him, that he would rather go mad trying to find peace rather then giving up what’s causing his madness and being delivered from it all?
He’s quiet as he moves among the others, a silent ghost, a gust of wind in their hair. Donghae clenches his teeth every time he seems him, and Leeteuk frowns. Kibum tries to grasp with soft words, but it’s nothing to Hankyung now. Sungmin can’t look at his face.
Everything’s a mess of tangles spider webs, chaos spinning in a rhythm that Hankyung can’t match, can’t dance to.
His eyes are dark and seeking, seeking, but there’s never a light to find, never a way to escape in peace.
Siwon acts like he sees nothing, because he doesn’t see. Siwon is blind and unfeeling. He is coldness and grace, a mask of smiles and fast words.
Hankyung needs him so much he’s dying for him.
---
Hankyung is sleeping, dreaming of spiders and scorpions and vampires that never take all your blood, when he’s awakened abruptly, suddenly, fingers being shoved into his body.
His eyes fly open, and his first instinct is to scream, but a hand closes over his mouth, and it’s Siwon’s hand, so he only clenches his fingers into the bed beneath him.
He doesn’t make a sound this time.
Hankyung is silent, very silent, as Siwon fucks him into the bed, cums, leaves the same way he came in. He cries silently too, as he’s alone in his bed, shoulders shaking because Siwon touched his cheek before he left.
Siwon’s happy, so he’s happy too.
---
“You have to fucking stop.”
Hankyung freezes with his hand on the doorknob, second away from opening the door to his room and stepping into the hallway.
Kangin’s voice is rough, a whisper. “You need to stop all this shit, Siwon.”
Hankyung’s heart skips a beat when Siwon talks. “Stop what?”
“You know what the fuck I’m talking about. This is out of control. I don’t care if you fuck, it’s your business. But it’s my business when you leave bruises and bloodstains.”
Siwon’s voice is tight, angry. “That’s actually none of your business either, hyung, so please mind your own business.”
Hankyung knows the sounds of flesh hitting flesh.
He steps back away from the door, backs up to fall on his bed. He wants to cry. Bruises and bloodstains, who knew Kangin could be so eloquent?
He doesn’t have time to think of anything else before his door is flying open, and Siwon stalks in, and his eyes are bright, so bright, and there’s a bruise forming on his face.
And for the first time, when Siwon reaches out for him, Hankyung is scared, not excited.
---
Hankyung goes to the doctor the next day, and his sprained wrist is because he was dancing and missed a step and fell on it wrong. The bruises on his neck are nothing, he and the boys were playing around and gotten too rough, just being boys. The gashes on his thigh are because he’s silly and clumsy, and should’ve paid more attention when he was cooking, instead of being distracted and dropping the knife.
The doctor is nice and kind and smiles and nods, and sends Hankyung on his way with painkillers and scolding words. Just because you’re young doesn’t mean you don’t need to be careful! You’re not immortal, young man.
Hankyung laughs on the way back to the dorms. He is immortal. He’ll never die, because he doesn’t do anything that Siwon doesn’t want.
---
“I love you, you know.” Siwon’s voice is soft in the dark, and Hankyung doesn’t realize he’s talking. His body aches, his heart hurts, and he’s holding back tears and hysterical laughter. He can’t breathe properly because Siwon has only now let go of his throat.
“I love you, and the way you let me do anything to you. I love you, but sometimes I wish I could give you something normal. Don’t forget I love you.”
Hankyung’s body jumps when Siwon lies down beside him again, arms around his waist.
“You should’ve told me… That you couldn’t keep up… That it wasn’t what you needed anymore.”
Hankyung’s voice is hoarse as he talks. “I don’t want to disappoint you…”
Siwon’s forehead is burning against his back. “Hyung… You can’t do anything to disappoint me. I’m so sorry…”
And Hankyung cries, and Siwon cries.
---
The next time Siwon closes his hands around Hankyung’s throat, Hankyung stares up at him, and Siwon lets go with a small noise and leaves the room.
Hankyung rolls over in his bed.
Maybe they’ll never get better. Maybe Siwon will need it too much, the power and the pain. Hankyung knows that if he wants it, Hankyung will give it to him. Hankyung will give him everything. Hankyung already has given him everything.
His body and his soul and his mind belong to Siwon, and at this point, Hankyung wouldn’t even know what to do on his own.
Hankyung thinks that he’ll never be his own person again.
---
Siwon has him tied up, again, but he doesn’t cover his mouth, doesn’t cover his eyes. He’s staring at Hankyung, and Hankyung is staring back at him.
When Siwon grabs his hair and yanks his hair back, Hankyung sighs, closes his eyes and tires not to think about the pain. When Siwon is taking him dry, Hankyung thinks of kitchen pots and white sleeves that he dances with.
Siwon is rough and thoughtless, and Hankyung doesn’t try to stop him.
Is it bad? He’s missed this too.
Hankyung needs Siwon to leaves bruises and bloodstains on his body, because it’s Siwon’s love, and Hankyung’s love is to take it all within his body and nourish it, cherish.
This is never going to stop, Hankyung doesn’t want it to, Siwon doesn’t try, and Hankyung can feel the blood on his wrists again, and he wishes he was a vampire so he could drink his blood back up, and he’d never die, never die, only hurt and feel and love.