(no subject)
title Digging a Hole to China
focus Han Kyung and Hee Chul
Digging a Hole to China
Kali
You wake every morning with the bitter taste of fear in your mouth.
You can’t shake the feeling that everything’s going to end someday. Still, you try desperately to hang onto everything. This is why you push yourself day after day to say things and do things to make sure people don’t forget you, because this is where you want to be, but you can’t even enjoy it, because you can’t get rid of the sickening thought, this isn’t going to last.
He uses a crappy mp3 player from home with USB 1.1 that’s ugly and old looking, and has scratches all over it. You rudely told him to buy a new one because you couldn’t stand looking at it, but he just smiled at you and laughed, and told you the sound was good. You knew he was lying, but you didn’t say anything.
(You’re both good at lying.)
You want to tie him down to here, to Korea, and even though you know you can’t, that doesn’t stop you from trying. You want to go with him, to make sure he comes home, and half seriously, try to squish yourself into his suitcase but you know you can’t go with him. You stuff his luggage with your own things, because he’s the type to return anything that’s been lent to him, and you think, this way, he has to come back.
This is what you go through every time he gets ready to leave.
And you sing as you sit beside him, as he talks to his friends back home, no, back in China, to remind him of your presence, that you’re here, you’re his friend too. You kiss him goodbye on the cheek before he leaves to tell him, we’re here, we love you, and we’ll always be here, don’t forget to come back. You show him a picture of you and him together, heads touching, arms around each other, because you want him to remember how close you are, how much you all need him, but when he shuts his door on you for the night, you’re left thinking, it’s still not enough, he’s still going back.
You can’t stand watching footage of him in China. He looks so comfortable, so at ease, unlike here, at home. Words come out from his mouth so quickly, so fluidly, unlike his stuttering, halting Korean. His smile is just that much wider, his eyes that much happier. You feel like throwing up. You turn off the TV.
When he comes home, it makes you so happy that it’s almost embarrassing. You’re tired, and just got off a shit day at work, but you still wait for him outside your house to welcome him home, to help him with his bags. You do this every time, because you think maybe this will make him stay. You put up with his sullenness, even though it gets you so angry, and try to be patient as he gets over the homesickness that hits him every time he comes back to Korea. You even play crappy Lee Hom songs on your computer for the next few days to make him feel better, although you really, really can’t stand “Kiss Goodbye” and “Hua Tian Cuo” anymore.
You try to like what he likes, and you make a point of watching stupid Hong Kong movies and Taiwanese dramas with him. You liked Infernal Affairs, all three of them, actually, which surprised you, and you laughed your way through Shaolin Soccer and Kung Fu, but the truth is, you can’t stand a lot of Chinese shows. You just don’t get them, not the way he does, laughing at things that just go over your head. At those moments, listening to his idiotically goofy laugh (which you secretly love), you think that this must be how he feels all the time, and you get so sad that it turns into anger, and you take it out on him, pounding him (hard) on the shoulder until he explains the joke to you.
(When he tried to get you to watch Meteor Garden, telling you that you had to see it ‘cause it was a classic, you finally reached your breaking point and you ended up downloading Moon Child. Stupidest movie ever, but you figured looking at Hyde and Gackt and even Lee Hom was better than looking at the guys from F4.)
You like to watch him dance; more than anything else, this is what he’s best at, and you can’t help but feel so proud of him when you get the chance to see him. You don’t tell anyone, but you like it most when he’s doing his traditional dances or martial arts. Performing them brings him closer to where you know he belongs, and makes him seem so foreign and far away from you, but it’s at these times that you love him best. He’s happiest when he’s moving, and even though you know pretty much nothing about dancing, it’s impossible for you to resent a place that has taught him to move with what looks to you like amazing strength and grace. These are the times when you can admit the truth to yourself and you can accept it, because more than anything, you wish that people could see how incredible he is.
It gets you so angry when people call him “China boy”, or laugh at his halting Korean. You want to shout at the people who mock him, forgetting that you make fun of his Korean every chance you get. You want them to see how talented he is, but you know you can’t say much without embarrassing him even more - instead, you laugh with the others, and then, when you get home, you yell at him to learn more Korean, and try to teach him in your own, harsh way.
(You wish sometimes that you were Shi Won. You get so jealous, listening to Shi Won speaking in Mandarin to him. It doesn’t matter that he uses Korean and that you can understand half the conversation anyway - you feel like an outsider, listening to some secret code meant to exclude you. Shi Won can help him in a way that you can’t, and you hate that. For all that you try to help him, it’s still not the same - Shi Won is the one he turns to when he’s confused.)
You wonder angrily if the others ever think about what you think about, and hate them for being so idiotic and just not getting it, but sometimes, you catch Kibum just looking at him, the same way you do, and it breaks your heart. At those times, snatches of the annoyingly sad and whiny Chinese love songs that he listens to run through your head, and you get pissed off, hating him for being so damnably nice and making you care for him, and you yell at him for some lame reason like not buying you chocolate milk, even when you never asked him to.
He yells back, but he’ll still boil you an egg or make you ramyun, even though Kibum’s better at that, so you guys can make up.
You have a system in place, and you can’t imagine it any other way.
The whole time you were in China, you acted strangely. When Shi Won put his hands on your shoulders, you angrily shrugged them off, even though you were on camera. You refused to look at him whenever he spoke, sick enough that you had to hear him speaking in a language you didn’t know, didn’t understand, never mind seeing him look so at home so far away from your own. You spent most of that interview staring at Kibum, or staring at nothing, playing absently with your fan and stuffed animal.
When he started translating what you said, you felt this sudden urge to tell him something, anything, so people could see just how close you were to him, even though he wasn’t done speaking. When you put your fan up, hiding his face and yours from sight, you felt incredibly relieved. For that second, he was yours again, paying attention only to you.
It’s not that you don’t understand. You do, but you resent him for feeling the way he does because you’re selfish and want him with you. When you first met him, you had nothing to say to him, but now, he’s one of the few you want to talk to, want to do things with. You like being around him, laughing at his accented Korean, and you like it even better how he doesn’t resent you for your snide comments.
You even like living with him. He makes Beijing fried rice for you and Kibum and Jay, and plays computer games side by side with you. He puts up with your flamboyant taste in clothing and your other quirks. He gets along with Heebummie, and hell, even his dog gets along with Heebummie.
(You still resent Rong Rong’s name. You keep thinking that if only he’d named Rong Rong ‘Hanjae’ instead, your little family would never have to change. You know you’re being childish about it, but you can’t help it.)
You miss him when he’s not around.
You like to touch people, but you don’t always like it when people touch you back. You’re strange that way. But you like his hand in yours, or his arm linked with yours. It’s warm and reassuring, and it’s proof that he’s there, with you.
You just wonder how long it’ll last.
“Super Junior fighting!” is your group’s motto, but idol groups can only fight for so long, and you’d rather exit on your own before you’re forced out. You just dread what’s going to happen after that. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out.
When everything is truly over with, you know that he’s going to go back, leaving you behind.
The distance between China and Korea isn’t that great, but to you, it’s endless.
///
First off, this wasn’t meant to be Han Kyung/Hee Chul. It was meant more as a story about their friendship, and I think the story works better in that context. I just recently discovered Super Junior, and after obsessively fangirling and watching Super Junior Full House and other Suju videos/clips/etc., and reading Han Kyung’s Cyworld entries and Hee Chul’s Cyworld entries, I started thinking about Han Kyung’s relationship with the rest of the Suju members. (I’m always pretty interested in the difference between the reality and the image that people present.)
Anyway, maybe this is just my impression, but Han Kyung seems kind of left out sometimes. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault, just that the language barrier is a big obstacle in forming close friendships. Nevertheless, Han Kyung has said before that he talks most to Hee Chul, and Hee Chul has said before that they’re close. Needless to say, from reading this story, you can tell that I’d like to believe that Han Kyung and Hee Chul are good friends, just because I think the Suju members are really cute.
This story just sort of came together after watching clips of Suju where Han Kyung and Hee Chul interact and my interpretation of the way they act, and possible reasons for why. Also, since I’m close to finishing university, I wrote this with my own friendships in mind. (By the way, I personally really like Lee Hom, but I didn't think Hee Chul would, haha.)
For those who are interested, most of what I wrote is based on something that really happened, or things that Suju members have said.
- Han Kyung’s Cyworld
- Hee Chul’s Cyworld
- Interview of Super Junior on Luyu Date
- Interview of Super Junior for SOHU.com
- Interview of Super Junior for TVB
- Love Letter Season 3, Episode 5
- Super Junior Show Episode 22
Thank you for reading, and I hope you liked it!
focus Han Kyung and Hee Chul
Digging a Hole to China
Kali
You wake every morning with the bitter taste of fear in your mouth.
You can’t shake the feeling that everything’s going to end someday. Still, you try desperately to hang onto everything. This is why you push yourself day after day to say things and do things to make sure people don’t forget you, because this is where you want to be, but you can’t even enjoy it, because you can’t get rid of the sickening thought, this isn’t going to last.
He uses a crappy mp3 player from home with USB 1.1 that’s ugly and old looking, and has scratches all over it. You rudely told him to buy a new one because you couldn’t stand looking at it, but he just smiled at you and laughed, and told you the sound was good. You knew he was lying, but you didn’t say anything.
(You’re both good at lying.)
You want to tie him down to here, to Korea, and even though you know you can’t, that doesn’t stop you from trying. You want to go with him, to make sure he comes home, and half seriously, try to squish yourself into his suitcase but you know you can’t go with him. You stuff his luggage with your own things, because he’s the type to return anything that’s been lent to him, and you think, this way, he has to come back.
This is what you go through every time he gets ready to leave.
And you sing as you sit beside him, as he talks to his friends back home, no, back in China, to remind him of your presence, that you’re here, you’re his friend too. You kiss him goodbye on the cheek before he leaves to tell him, we’re here, we love you, and we’ll always be here, don’t forget to come back. You show him a picture of you and him together, heads touching, arms around each other, because you want him to remember how close you are, how much you all need him, but when he shuts his door on you for the night, you’re left thinking, it’s still not enough, he’s still going back.
You can’t stand watching footage of him in China. He looks so comfortable, so at ease, unlike here, at home. Words come out from his mouth so quickly, so fluidly, unlike his stuttering, halting Korean. His smile is just that much wider, his eyes that much happier. You feel like throwing up. You turn off the TV.
When he comes home, it makes you so happy that it’s almost embarrassing. You’re tired, and just got off a shit day at work, but you still wait for him outside your house to welcome him home, to help him with his bags. You do this every time, because you think maybe this will make him stay. You put up with his sullenness, even though it gets you so angry, and try to be patient as he gets over the homesickness that hits him every time he comes back to Korea. You even play crappy Lee Hom songs on your computer for the next few days to make him feel better, although you really, really can’t stand “Kiss Goodbye” and “Hua Tian Cuo” anymore.
You try to like what he likes, and you make a point of watching stupid Hong Kong movies and Taiwanese dramas with him. You liked Infernal Affairs, all three of them, actually, which surprised you, and you laughed your way through Shaolin Soccer and Kung Fu, but the truth is, you can’t stand a lot of Chinese shows. You just don’t get them, not the way he does, laughing at things that just go over your head. At those moments, listening to his idiotically goofy laugh (which you secretly love), you think that this must be how he feels all the time, and you get so sad that it turns into anger, and you take it out on him, pounding him (hard) on the shoulder until he explains the joke to you.
(When he tried to get you to watch Meteor Garden, telling you that you had to see it ‘cause it was a classic, you finally reached your breaking point and you ended up downloading Moon Child. Stupidest movie ever, but you figured looking at Hyde and Gackt and even Lee Hom was better than looking at the guys from F4.)
You like to watch him dance; more than anything else, this is what he’s best at, and you can’t help but feel so proud of him when you get the chance to see him. You don’t tell anyone, but you like it most when he’s doing his traditional dances or martial arts. Performing them brings him closer to where you know he belongs, and makes him seem so foreign and far away from you, but it’s at these times that you love him best. He’s happiest when he’s moving, and even though you know pretty much nothing about dancing, it’s impossible for you to resent a place that has taught him to move with what looks to you like amazing strength and grace. These are the times when you can admit the truth to yourself and you can accept it, because more than anything, you wish that people could see how incredible he is.
It gets you so angry when people call him “China boy”, or laugh at his halting Korean. You want to shout at the people who mock him, forgetting that you make fun of his Korean every chance you get. You want them to see how talented he is, but you know you can’t say much without embarrassing him even more - instead, you laugh with the others, and then, when you get home, you yell at him to learn more Korean, and try to teach him in your own, harsh way.
(You wish sometimes that you were Shi Won. You get so jealous, listening to Shi Won speaking in Mandarin to him. It doesn’t matter that he uses Korean and that you can understand half the conversation anyway - you feel like an outsider, listening to some secret code meant to exclude you. Shi Won can help him in a way that you can’t, and you hate that. For all that you try to help him, it’s still not the same - Shi Won is the one he turns to when he’s confused.)
You wonder angrily if the others ever think about what you think about, and hate them for being so idiotic and just not getting it, but sometimes, you catch Kibum just looking at him, the same way you do, and it breaks your heart. At those times, snatches of the annoyingly sad and whiny Chinese love songs that he listens to run through your head, and you get pissed off, hating him for being so damnably nice and making you care for him, and you yell at him for some lame reason like not buying you chocolate milk, even when you never asked him to.
He yells back, but he’ll still boil you an egg or make you ramyun, even though Kibum’s better at that, so you guys can make up.
You have a system in place, and you can’t imagine it any other way.
The whole time you were in China, you acted strangely. When Shi Won put his hands on your shoulders, you angrily shrugged them off, even though you were on camera. You refused to look at him whenever he spoke, sick enough that you had to hear him speaking in a language you didn’t know, didn’t understand, never mind seeing him look so at home so far away from your own. You spent most of that interview staring at Kibum, or staring at nothing, playing absently with your fan and stuffed animal.
When he started translating what you said, you felt this sudden urge to tell him something, anything, so people could see just how close you were to him, even though he wasn’t done speaking. When you put your fan up, hiding his face and yours from sight, you felt incredibly relieved. For that second, he was yours again, paying attention only to you.
It’s not that you don’t understand. You do, but you resent him for feeling the way he does because you’re selfish and want him with you. When you first met him, you had nothing to say to him, but now, he’s one of the few you want to talk to, want to do things with. You like being around him, laughing at his accented Korean, and you like it even better how he doesn’t resent you for your snide comments.
You even like living with him. He makes Beijing fried rice for you and Kibum and Jay, and plays computer games side by side with you. He puts up with your flamboyant taste in clothing and your other quirks. He gets along with Heebummie, and hell, even his dog gets along with Heebummie.
(You still resent Rong Rong’s name. You keep thinking that if only he’d named Rong Rong ‘Hanjae’ instead, your little family would never have to change. You know you’re being childish about it, but you can’t help it.)
You miss him when he’s not around.
You like to touch people, but you don’t always like it when people touch you back. You’re strange that way. But you like his hand in yours, or his arm linked with yours. It’s warm and reassuring, and it’s proof that he’s there, with you.
You just wonder how long it’ll last.
“Super Junior fighting!” is your group’s motto, but idol groups can only fight for so long, and you’d rather exit on your own before you’re forced out. You just dread what’s going to happen after that. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out.
When everything is truly over with, you know that he’s going to go back, leaving you behind.
The distance between China and Korea isn’t that great, but to you, it’s endless.
///
First off, this wasn’t meant to be Han Kyung/Hee Chul. It was meant more as a story about their friendship, and I think the story works better in that context. I just recently discovered Super Junior, and after obsessively fangirling and watching Super Junior Full House and other Suju videos/clips/etc., and reading Han Kyung’s Cyworld entries and Hee Chul’s Cyworld entries, I started thinking about Han Kyung’s relationship with the rest of the Suju members. (I’m always pretty interested in the difference between the reality and the image that people present.)
Anyway, maybe this is just my impression, but Han Kyung seems kind of left out sometimes. I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault, just that the language barrier is a big obstacle in forming close friendships. Nevertheless, Han Kyung has said before that he talks most to Hee Chul, and Hee Chul has said before that they’re close. Needless to say, from reading this story, you can tell that I’d like to believe that Han Kyung and Hee Chul are good friends, just because I think the Suju members are really cute.
This story just sort of came together after watching clips of Suju where Han Kyung and Hee Chul interact and my interpretation of the way they act, and possible reasons for why. Also, since I’m close to finishing university, I wrote this with my own friendships in mind. (By the way, I personally really like Lee Hom, but I didn't think Hee Chul would, haha.)
For those who are interested, most of what I wrote is based on something that really happened, or things that Suju members have said.
- Han Kyung’s Cyworld
- Hee Chul’s Cyworld
- Interview of Super Junior on Luyu Date
- Interview of Super Junior for SOHU.com
- Interview of Super Junior for TVB
- Love Letter Season 3, Episode 5
- Super Junior Show Episode 22
Thank you for reading, and I hope you liked it!