May It Be
When Hankyung has dragged Donghae off to bed, checked on Henry, double-checked that there are six packed suitcases by the door, and called to reassure Zhou Mi, he flops on the couch with one arm thrown across his eyes. The dorm is unnaturally dark and quiet, and after awhile he stands to look out the window, trying to enjoy the solitude and the lack of noise, but it unnerves rather than comforts. Hankyung hates this part, where it’s soft and sad, and he feels melancholy instead of excitement, the transition before it gets loud and ridiculous and crazy. He feels sick instead of eager, churning nausea in his stomach instead of happy anticipation. He turns from the window and walks down the hall, pushing the door open into Heechul’s room.
Heechul is sitting at his desk, looking out the window, chair tipped back, head tilted at the stars. Hankyung smiles at their similarity, comforting because he usually feels Heechul is too far for him to reach, and he’s always scared that one day Heechul will leave him behind. Heechul turns, and smiles back softly. Hankyung leans against the door way, fingers curling around the frame and allows his smile to widen, his face to soften. Heechul throws a shoe at him.
“Why are you interrupting my sleep?” he demands, but with none of the usual bite, his smile still lingering at the edges of his mouth. Hankyung rolls his eyes but refrains from pointing out that Heechul was clearly not sleeping. He sprawls stomach down on Heechul’s bed, legs hanging off the end, and glances at the bedside clock.
“Crap,” he says, “it’s later than I thought it was.” Heechul joins him on the bed, lying close but not touching, and clicks his tongue. He slides his fingers lightly over Hankyung’s wrist, and tugs playfully at the watch fastened there.
“Shut up,” grumbles Hankyung, then puts on his best sad puppy face and edges closer to Heechul, hips touching. Heechul rolls his eyes and pokes his forehead, but props himself up and starts to massage Hankyung’s shoulder blades. Hankyung sighs happily, and closes his eyes. He thinks about Heechul and Eeteuk and Kangin and Heechul and everyone else and Heechul, and feels moisture prick his eyes.
Heechul decides he’s shown enough affection, and lays himself down on top of Hankyung, resting his face on Hankyung’s. Hankyung automatically synchronizes their breathing and they lie quietly for awhile, inhaling and exhaling in sync.
“I’m going to miss you,” Hankyung blurts, voice thick, “so much, Hee.” Heechul pokes him sharply in the ribs at the pet name, but rolls of so Hankyung can shift to his side, so they can look at each other. Heechul wiggles so their noses are just touching, and they have to go cross-eyed to look each other in the eye.
“I put some money in your carry on,” Heechul says, “so buy something to eat at the airport, okay?” Hankyung smiles reflexively at Heechul’s failure at showing affection. Heechul glares.
“Don’t get soppy with me,” he warns, but his eyes are bright, and he looks vulnerable, lying in his pajamas, hair mussed, no makeup. Hankyung’s heart lurches and he lunges, catching Heechul in a massive bear hug, rolling on top of him.
Heechul squeaks, hits him on the back, growls, then settles into the hug, humming slightly. Hankyung squeezes so hard he hears Heechul’s ribs creak.
“Eat well,” chokes Hankyung, “you’re not chubby, it’s healthy. No diet okay? And sleep more, four hours is not enough, and, and,” Heechul murmurs softly, shushing him, forgoing sarcasm for sliding his arms around Hankyung and squeezing back.
“I-” he says haltingly, “I’ll be watching, whenever I can. And I expect a copy of the album before it comes out, understand?” Hankyung laughs haltingly.
“Okay,” he says.
“Okay,” Heechul agrees, “now get off, your fatness is crushing my awesome.” Hankyung doesn’t let go, but shifts them so they’re on their sides. There’s a knock at the door, and Siwon pokes his head in, looking slightly jealous he wasn’t invited to snuggle time.
“Hyung,” he says, “we have to leave in half an hour.” Hankyung’s arms tighten around Heechul, and he feels like a clingy child who doesn’t want to go to school. Siwon’s face softens.
“I’ll load the stuff and everyone in the van,” he says, smiling at Heechul, and leaves.
“Hankyung,” chides Heechul softly. Hankyung buries his face in Heechul’s skin, snuffling.
“Let’s run away,” he says, “just you and me.” Heechul laughs.
“You say that every time,” he says, “but you love it over there, don’t even.” Hankyung rubs his nose against Heechul’s neck.
“I hate being leader,” he whines. Heechul smacks him upside the head.
“You love being leader. You love being the fluent one, and teaching the others, and seeing Henry and Zhou Mi on stage with applause instead of hatred, and you love fussing over Ryeowook and Donghae and bossing Siwon around, and embarrassing Kyuhyun.” Hankyung sighs and stands.
“I know,” he says, smiling, “I know.” Heechul looks affronted.
“Of course I’m right,” he says, then pauses, looking conflicted. “Be good, okay? Work hard, and, and...be healthy.” he finishes softly. Hankyung smiles at him, and grabs his phone from where he’d dropped it on the desk earlier, humming in consent.
“And you know…” says Heechul with a straight face, “that when you look into the sky, at the stars, that I, too, am looking at the same sky, and so we’ll never be apart…”
“Oh shut up,” laughs Hankyung, and they giggle at each other for a few moments, before Heechul rolls over, his back to Hankyung, and pulls the covers over him.
“No for real,” he says, “get out already.” Hankyung stands at the door and looks at Heechul, alone in the bed, in the room. He thinks about sliding under the covers, curling into Heechul’s warmth, pressing their faces together. He knows that Heechul wouldn’t, couldn’t deny him again, and he knows he wouldn’t be left behind. Siwon and Donghae and maybe Kyuhyun would come and get him, and Ryeowook and Henry would let him have the nice seat in the van, and they would be extra good for the flight, and maybe give him their peanuts, and Zhou Mi would give him huge hug when he heard, and even the stylist noonas would be gentler. And he would get maybe ten, fifteen minutes to be tangled with Heechul, to breathe with him and be warm and soft and sleepy and with Heechul.
He’s careful to close the door quietly behind him.