[one-shot; heechul/donghae]
title: Selfish
author: Mica
rating: 15 (for some curse words)
genre: angsty one-shot
pairing: heechul/donghae
summary: Heechul's selfish, and he knows it.
notes: dedicated to jian__dan__ai because she read my mind, or something XD This took me like a month to write. I wanted to write a CinHae, cause I don't write for my OTP enough. But it came out angsty. And long. 7 pages at size 9 font. I hate dialogue. And my Heechul's probably a little OOC.
“You are so fucking selfish, you know that, Heechul? You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
* * *
Donghae’s angry words repeated themselves in his mind, the harsh syllables ringing in his ears. At the time those words had been flung at him, Heechul had said nothing. What was he supposed to say? ‘Yes, I’m selfish, I know, so what?’ That would have only resulted in more arguing. Heechul had opted tostay silent instead, ignoring the blazing, broken fire that had burned in Donghae’s eyes.
He was selfish, and he knew it, and would freely admit it. What was so wrong with that? In a world like the one they lived in, you had to put yourself first, or you’d never get anywhere. Heechul just considered himself smarter than some, to have realised this fact.
He’d never cared about what anyone had said or thought about him before. But for some reason, those words, coming from Donghae’s mouth, had affected him more than he would have liked. And even days after that particular confrontation, Heechul still couldn’t stop those words chasing themselves through his thoughts.
* * *
“Have you ever been in love, Rella?”
Donghae’s question came from nowhere, but Heechul was no longer surprised by the younger boy’s bouts of sudden curiosity.
“I love my friends,” came his reply.
A shake of the head, blond hair flying wildly around his face. “No, not that kind of love. I mean, in love with someone. Romantic love. Breath-taking, heart-racing, stomach-fluttering forever love.”
Heechul stared at him for a moment before snorting. “You watch too many dramas, Hae. That kind of love doesn’t exist.”
Donghae blinked at him. “Yes it does!”
“No. That kind of love only exists in dramas and movies. No one loves each other unconditionally and unendingly like that, Hae. It isn’t real. People are too selfish for love like that.”
Donghae shook his head. “That’s not true! Not everyone is selfish. And besides,” he added, “If you’ve never been in love like that, then how do you know it doesn’t exist?”
Heechul had wanted to say ‘I just do,’ but instead, said, “Because life isn’t like your dramas, Donghae.” He’d stood from the table, dumped his bowl in the kitchen sink, and walked from the room, flicking some hair out of his face, leaving Donghae to muse to himself over his own bowl of cereal.
“Some people love like that,” Donghae murmured. Heechul pretended that he hadn’t heard him.
* * *
Heechul really didn’t believe that a love like that could exist. And even if it did, he didn’t want to be a part of it. To love someone like that, unconditionally and forever, hurt. To give yourself and your heart away to another, for them to trust and take care of, was just ridiculous. When you felt things like that for another person, you were bound to get hurt and have your heart broken.
And Heechul didn’t want to end up twisted and broken on the wrong side of love.
No, he cared about himself too much to let that happen. And if that made him selfish, then, so what?
* * *
“For Christ’s sake, will you stop staring at me, Hae? I know I’m the hottest thing you’ve ever seen, but, seriously.”
Surprised by Donghae’s lack of response, Heechul turned his attention away from the television screen in front of him and looked at the other boy. Before he could even wonder what that look on Donghae’s face was his mouth was suddenly smothered with another.
Eyes widening, he pulled away and stared at Donghae. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Donghae stared back at him and Heechul couldn’t tell what emotion it was he saw swimming in the other boy’s eyes.
They stared at each other for what felt like an endless amount of time. Donghae still said nothing. Finally, Heechul forced a derisive snort and looked back at the television, muttering “you’re crazy, Hae.”
He missed the look in Donghae’s eyes.
* * *
He wished he could have known, could have seen it coming and expected what was to happen. But hindsight was rose-tinted, and perhaps it wouldn’t have helped anything anyway.
Heechul hadn’t mentioned that kiss, he’d actually forgotten about it, and Donghae had never brought the subject up afterwards either. And to Heechul, life continued on like normal.
It hadn’t been a life-changing moment or a breath-taking revelation. It wasn’t even a special kiss. It was quick and clumsy and awkward. It had meant nothing, to Heechul at least. Which was why he’d forgotten it so quickly afterwards.
Perhaps he should have remembered.
* * *
“You know, I love you, Heechul.”
Donghae sounded serious, but Heechul laughed.
“Of course you do. Who doesn’t?” Came his cocky, half-joking reply. He turned his attention back to the magazine he had been flicking through.
“No, Heechul,” fingers clung lightly to his shoulder, steady, trying to gain his attention back. “I love you.” The words were firm, sure.
Heechul felt a strange shiver run through him, and turned to glance at Donghae over his shoulder. He wanted to laugh, but the look on his friend’s face made him stop.
“No, you don’t.”
Eyebrows creasing into a frown, Donghae stared back at him. “Yes, I do.”
Heechul shook his head, not believing this was even happening, that Donghae was saying such things. He opened his mouth to speak, but Donghae beat him to it.
“Don’t say it! I do!” Donghae insisted, firmly. “You can doubt everyone else all you like, but don’t say I don’t love you, Heechul, because I do.” He sounded almost … impassioned, so sure of himself, that Heechul was finding it difficult to disbelieve his friend’s words.
He turned away, stared blankly down at the magazine in front of him for a moment, before sending Donghae a glance back over his shoulder. “You know what I think on the subject, Donghae.”
Heechul stood up and left the room.
* * *
Heechul hadn’t seen Donghae for awhile after that. Of course, Donghae had been around, but after that day, he hadn’t made a point of hanging around with Heechul, hadn’t watched movies with him or listened to his gossip or even just said hello. It had been like Donghae was avoiding him. Well, Donghae had.
He hadn’t been sure just what he thought or felt about what Donghae had told him. He didn’t believe it, of course. Heechul still firmly disbelieved Donghae’s idea of love did not exist and he very much doubted that Donghae felt anything quite like that for him. The boy had just been watching too many dramas, too many movies, perhaps he’d been sitting up late talking with Sungmin once too often, and gotten confused.
It wasn’t possible Donghae could feel that way for Heechul. At least Heechul liked to think so. Because it had been so much harder to consider the possibility that he was wrong, and Donghae was right.
* * *
“Are you ever going to stop playing this stupid game?”
Heechul stood in the doorway to Donghae’s room. It was evening, but Donghae was alone, for once. Shindong was out with Eeteuk, Kangin and Yehsung.
For weeks now, Heechul had tried to get his friend alone, and failed, because Donghae would either avoid him, ignore him completely, hide away in his room or have someone with him. It had started to annoy Heechul. Not only was his friend acting like some spoilt, upset child, but over something completely ridiculous!
Heechul wouldn’t admit that it was starting to upset him too. But it was. He wanted his friend back. He wanted Donghae back.
Donghae didn’t look at him, his face was buried in a magazine which he was furiously pretending to be completely immersed in.
Rolling his eyes and letting out a frustrated sigh, Heechul stalked over towards the bed where Donghae lay. “What the hell is your problem?” he demanded, louder this time, and still Donghae would not look up.
“Donghae!”
When he got closer, Heechul realised that Donghae had headphones in, he was listening to music. If Heechul had been the easily embarrassed type, he might have blushed. But he wasn’t, this just served to anger him further. Leaning down, he pulled the headphones from Donghae’s ears, and finally earned himself a look.
“What do you want?” Donghae’s voice sounded so … flat, so unlike Donghae. It was almost disconcerting.
“What’s up with you?” Heechul moved to perch himself on the side of the bed. Donghae shuffled further away. “Are you ever going to talk to me again?”
Donghae ignored him, staring down at his magazine again.
“Are you still hung up about that?”
Donghae looked up at him and Heechul swore for a moment he saw his friend’s eyes flashing darkly.
“You don’t understand, do you, Heechul?” His voice was soft as he spoke. “You don’t get it, do you?”
Heechul, always blunt and to the point, shook his head. “No, Hae, I don’t get it. Can’t you just over this stupid phase and be my friend again?”
For a moment, Heechul was almost afraid Donghae was going to punch him. He could see his friend quiver with anger. He steeled himself and waited for the blow, but it didn’t come.
“Go away, Heechul.” Donghae looked away, looked down at the magazine in his lap, his fingers twisting the pages together. Heechul imagined those pages as his neck, Donghae twisting and squeezing it with his fingers. He found he couldn’t swallow properly.
A moment later, louder, more forceful, “just fuck off, Heechul! Get out!”
Heechul didn’t need to be told a third time. He sent a last glance down at Donghae’s hands, those fingers now tearing the pieces into tiny shreds, and shuddered, before leaving the room.
* * *
Heechul realised after that that love changed everything. Movies and books and drama’s proclaimed that it changed everything for the better, that experiencing love was the best thing a person would ever feel. Once in love, everything was wonderful, every day was sunny and bright, and everyone was nice. Love made everything better.
In Heechul’s experience, it only seemed to make everything worse. It didn’t make every day sunny, it made it dark and stormy, matching the emotions he could feel whirling inside of him. It wasn’t the best thing he had ever felt. It was the worst. Nothing was wonderful anymore, and no one was nice. Especially Donghae, the boy who loved him.
Heechul couldn’t understand why. Why would anyone want to fall in love with him? And why would Donghae, of all people, choose to do so? Donghae knew how Heechul felt; he knew exactly what Heechul thought on the subject. How could he be stupid enough to go and fall in love with him? How could he be stupid enough to think he loved him?
He wanted to hit Donghae, he wanted to slap him in the face and tell him to stop being such a fucking moron. But he didn’t. He couldn’t, because after that talk, Donghae really did start to avoid him. Donghae would pretend Heechul didn’t even exist.
And it hurt. It hurt more than Heechul could have realised, hurt more than he would have cared to admit. If this was love, if this was what it felt like and did to a person, then Heechul definitely didn’t want a part of it. Why couldn’t Donghae see that too?
* * *
“What’s going on with you and Donghae?”
It had taken long enough for someone to finally ask about it. It had been going on for weeks and weeks now, and it was quite obvious to everyone else in the house that something was not right anymore between Heechul and Donghae.
Heechul had seen the looks the others shared with each other when Donghae clearly ignored Heechul’s presence. It infuriated Heechul, not only that Donghae was being such a stubborn idiot, but because no one was saying anything when clearly all of them had noticed and were wondering what was going on.
Finally, Eeteuk, feeling it his place to ask the questions as the leader of the group, had cornered Heechul one evening in the kitchen. They were alone; everyone else was either out, in the living room, or in their bedrooms. It was just the two of them.
“What do you mean?” Heechul retorted, his voice tinged with tired sarcasm.
Eeteuk gave him a look and Heechul sighed.
“I don’t know, alright?” He admitted after a moment. “Donghae’s being an idiot. I can’t get him to talk to me. It isn’t my fault.”
“What have you done?”
Heechul looked up at him. “Why are you placing the blame on me?” he demanded. “I’ve done nothing. It’s Donghae who’s avoiding me, not the other way around.”
Arms folded over his chest, Eeteuk looked suitably disapproving. “Whatever it is, you better fix it, Heechul. It’s affecting the rest of us.”
“How do you want me to fix it? He won’t talk to me!” Eeteuk’s words were only serving to further frustrate Heechul. “It isn’t my fault,” he insisted again. “I didn’t do anything.”
* * *
Maybe, that was Heechul’s problem. He hadn’t done anything. And maybe that was where things were going wrong. Where things had already gone wrong.
But it wasn’t his fault! Donghae knew how he felt; he goddamn knew how Heechul felt on the subject. What did the boy expect Heechul to do? Say ‘okay, I love you too Donghae, let’s try this out.’
Of course not. Donghae couldn’t possibly be that stupid. Could he?
* * *
Heechul had long given up even trying to talk or reason with Donghae. If the idiot wanted to carry on this stupid game and continue being a child, then fine, Heechul would let him. Donghae would realise eventually what a fool he was making out of himself and how stupid all of this was.
Except, Donghae wasn’t realising anything, and he didn’t seem to know how stupid all of this was, and he was still resolutely ignoring Heechul’s very existence.
It had been so long since he’d actually heard Donghae speak to him that it surprised him when that ever-familiar voice said, “I honestly don’t know what I see in you anymore.”
Heechul looked up, surprised to see Donghae standing in the doorway to his room. Donghae looked … so out of place. He hadn’t seen him even near his room for so long now. Heechul wondered fleetingly if this was just a dream. But the look in Donghae’s eyes burned all those thoughts away. This wasn’t a dream. Donghae never looked like that in his dreams, never looked at him in such a … hopeless way.
“Excuse me?”
Donghae leaned himself against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest as he looked down at Heechul and continued. “I don’t know, I don’t get it. I don’t understand why I feel like this for you or why I still love you. I know you’re selfish, I know you’re mean, and at the moment I hate you. But my heart just won’t agree with the rest of me. Stupid, huh?” He let out a bitter laugh that sent shivers down Heechul’s spine. A laugh like that wasn’t supposed to come from Donghae.
“I could have told you that.”
Donghae frowned. A moment later, he moved further into the room. Heechul tried not to let the surprise show on his face. Why now? Why was Donghae talking to him now?
“It is stupid,” he agreed. “But I can’t help it. I love you, Heechul, and I can’t stop myself feeling like this.” He was closer now, next to the bed where Heechul was sitting.
Heechul watched Donghae’s movements quietly. When Donghae stopped, he paused, before speaking himself. “You know I can’t, Hae,” he said, voice oddly soft for Heechul. “You know how I feel about this.”
Donghae leaned over, leaned in closer, and a moment later Heechul felt a mouth pressing against his own. The kiss was hard, and hot, and rough. Donghae’s lips were insistent as they pushed themselves against Heechul’s. He was taken by surprise, but he didn’t pull away. It lasted longer than he expected. When Donghae pulled away, Heechul was sure he could feel dampness on his cheeks. He said nothing.
“Don’t you think you could try, Heechul?” Donghae’s voice was soft, almost pleading. There was still the light of hope, dimmed and faded true, but shining all the same in his dark eyes. “Couldn’t you just try, for me?”
Heechul stared at Donghae a moment, silently, taking in a few deep breaths after Donghae had inconveniently stolen them away a moment ago.
Finally, he spoke. “You know I can’t.” The words just slipped from Heechul’s lips without him even needing to think about them. “I can’t, Hae. And I don’t want to. I don’t believe in love like that, and I don’t want to.”
Donghae’s hopeful look changed. Heechul watched as that light finally dimmed completely, burnt out. Now, it seemed, those dark eyes were empty. Heechul had killed whatever light Donghae had left.
Mouth twisting, eyes screwing up, spitting the words angrily, Donghae said, “You are so fucking selfish, you know that, Heechul? You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
Heechul sat there calmly and allowed Donghae to say everything that was on his mind. “I don’t believe it! I don’t believe how selfish you can be!” The words flew at Heechul, spat out at him, stabbing him sharply, knife-tips in his heart. “You don’t even deserve love! You know that? You don’t deserve to have anyone love you ever! You’re too fucking selfish to appreciate it!”
He glared at Heechul, chest heaving with his angry breathing. Heechul had never seen Donghae so furious. At anyone, let alone himself. It was almost scary.
After what seemed like an endless eternity of charged, heated silence, Donghae, voice softer this time, said, “You don’t deserve love at all. I know you don’t. But I can’t help myself still giving it to you anyway.” He made a noise, like a sob he was trying to repress, and turned and left Heechul’s room quickly.
Heechul had never heard Donghae sound so … defeated … so broken. It hurt.
* * *
No, Heechul didn’t deserve love. But perhaps Donghae hadn’t been entirely right. Maybe Heechul wasn’t being as selfish as Donghae thought.
True, Heechul claimed to avoid love because it hurt and he didn’t want to let himself go through that kind of thing. Getting close and involved with a person like that was a pain Heechul would rather spare himself from.
But that wasn’t the only reason Heechul said no to Donghae. He wanted to protect Donghae; he wanted to keep him safe. Donghae deserved someone better, someone who could love him back, who could love him properly, someone who could give Donghae the love he ought to be given.
Heechul couldn’t give him that. He was too selfish, too mean, too self-centred. And, he was too afraid. Love was something he didn’t know or understand; it was an emotion he couldn’t comprehend and make sense of, it was something he couldn’t control or predict, and that scared him.
His reasons were partly out of selfish-ness, and partly out of protection. He didn’t want Donghae to get hurt, because Heechul knew, eventually, he would end up hurting Donghae, and he didn’t think he could bear that.
* * *
“You don’t deserve love at all. I know you don’t. But I can’t help myself still giving it to you anyway.”
* * *
What Heechul couldn’t have predicted was just how much denying it could hurt them both.
- end -
Why do I find it so hard to make my OTP happy? *weeps*
author: Mica
rating: 15 (for some curse words)
genre: angsty one-shot
pairing: heechul/donghae
summary: Heechul's selfish, and he knows it.
notes: dedicated to jian__dan__ai because she read my mind, or something XD This took me like a month to write. I wanted to write a CinHae, cause I don't write for my OTP enough. But it came out angsty. And long. 7 pages at size 9 font. I hate dialogue. And my Heechul's probably a little OOC.
“You are so fucking selfish, you know that, Heechul? You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
* * *
Donghae’s angry words repeated themselves in his mind, the harsh syllables ringing in his ears. At the time those words had been flung at him, Heechul had said nothing. What was he supposed to say? ‘Yes, I’m selfish, I know, so what?’ That would have only resulted in more arguing. Heechul had opted tostay silent instead, ignoring the blazing, broken fire that had burned in Donghae’s eyes.
He was selfish, and he knew it, and would freely admit it. What was so wrong with that? In a world like the one they lived in, you had to put yourself first, or you’d never get anywhere. Heechul just considered himself smarter than some, to have realised this fact.
He’d never cared about what anyone had said or thought about him before. But for some reason, those words, coming from Donghae’s mouth, had affected him more than he would have liked. And even days after that particular confrontation, Heechul still couldn’t stop those words chasing themselves through his thoughts.
* * *
“Have you ever been in love, Rella?”
Donghae’s question came from nowhere, but Heechul was no longer surprised by the younger boy’s bouts of sudden curiosity.
“I love my friends,” came his reply.
A shake of the head, blond hair flying wildly around his face. “No, not that kind of love. I mean, in love with someone. Romantic love. Breath-taking, heart-racing, stomach-fluttering forever love.”
Heechul stared at him for a moment before snorting. “You watch too many dramas, Hae. That kind of love doesn’t exist.”
Donghae blinked at him. “Yes it does!”
“No. That kind of love only exists in dramas and movies. No one loves each other unconditionally and unendingly like that, Hae. It isn’t real. People are too selfish for love like that.”
Donghae shook his head. “That’s not true! Not everyone is selfish. And besides,” he added, “If you’ve never been in love like that, then how do you know it doesn’t exist?”
Heechul had wanted to say ‘I just do,’ but instead, said, “Because life isn’t like your dramas, Donghae.” He’d stood from the table, dumped his bowl in the kitchen sink, and walked from the room, flicking some hair out of his face, leaving Donghae to muse to himself over his own bowl of cereal.
“Some people love like that,” Donghae murmured. Heechul pretended that he hadn’t heard him.
* * *
Heechul really didn’t believe that a love like that could exist. And even if it did, he didn’t want to be a part of it. To love someone like that, unconditionally and forever, hurt. To give yourself and your heart away to another, for them to trust and take care of, was just ridiculous. When you felt things like that for another person, you were bound to get hurt and have your heart broken.
And Heechul didn’t want to end up twisted and broken on the wrong side of love.
No, he cared about himself too much to let that happen. And if that made him selfish, then, so what?
* * *
“For Christ’s sake, will you stop staring at me, Hae? I know I’m the hottest thing you’ve ever seen, but, seriously.”
Surprised by Donghae’s lack of response, Heechul turned his attention away from the television screen in front of him and looked at the other boy. Before he could even wonder what that look on Donghae’s face was his mouth was suddenly smothered with another.
Eyes widening, he pulled away and stared at Donghae. “What the hell do you think you’re doing?”
Donghae stared back at him and Heechul couldn’t tell what emotion it was he saw swimming in the other boy’s eyes.
They stared at each other for what felt like an endless amount of time. Donghae still said nothing. Finally, Heechul forced a derisive snort and looked back at the television, muttering “you’re crazy, Hae.”
He missed the look in Donghae’s eyes.
* * *
He wished he could have known, could have seen it coming and expected what was to happen. But hindsight was rose-tinted, and perhaps it wouldn’t have helped anything anyway.
Heechul hadn’t mentioned that kiss, he’d actually forgotten about it, and Donghae had never brought the subject up afterwards either. And to Heechul, life continued on like normal.
It hadn’t been a life-changing moment or a breath-taking revelation. It wasn’t even a special kiss. It was quick and clumsy and awkward. It had meant nothing, to Heechul at least. Which was why he’d forgotten it so quickly afterwards.
Perhaps he should have remembered.
* * *
“You know, I love you, Heechul.”
Donghae sounded serious, but Heechul laughed.
“Of course you do. Who doesn’t?” Came his cocky, half-joking reply. He turned his attention back to the magazine he had been flicking through.
“No, Heechul,” fingers clung lightly to his shoulder, steady, trying to gain his attention back. “I love you.” The words were firm, sure.
Heechul felt a strange shiver run through him, and turned to glance at Donghae over his shoulder. He wanted to laugh, but the look on his friend’s face made him stop.
“No, you don’t.”
Eyebrows creasing into a frown, Donghae stared back at him. “Yes, I do.”
Heechul shook his head, not believing this was even happening, that Donghae was saying such things. He opened his mouth to speak, but Donghae beat him to it.
“Don’t say it! I do!” Donghae insisted, firmly. “You can doubt everyone else all you like, but don’t say I don’t love you, Heechul, because I do.” He sounded almost … impassioned, so sure of himself, that Heechul was finding it difficult to disbelieve his friend’s words.
He turned away, stared blankly down at the magazine in front of him for a moment, before sending Donghae a glance back over his shoulder. “You know what I think on the subject, Donghae.”
Heechul stood up and left the room.
* * *
Heechul hadn’t seen Donghae for awhile after that. Of course, Donghae had been around, but after that day, he hadn’t made a point of hanging around with Heechul, hadn’t watched movies with him or listened to his gossip or even just said hello. It had been like Donghae was avoiding him. Well, Donghae had.
He hadn’t been sure just what he thought or felt about what Donghae had told him. He didn’t believe it, of course. Heechul still firmly disbelieved Donghae’s idea of love did not exist and he very much doubted that Donghae felt anything quite like that for him. The boy had just been watching too many dramas, too many movies, perhaps he’d been sitting up late talking with Sungmin once too often, and gotten confused.
It wasn’t possible Donghae could feel that way for Heechul. At least Heechul liked to think so. Because it had been so much harder to consider the possibility that he was wrong, and Donghae was right.
* * *
“Are you ever going to stop playing this stupid game?”
Heechul stood in the doorway to Donghae’s room. It was evening, but Donghae was alone, for once. Shindong was out with Eeteuk, Kangin and Yehsung.
For weeks now, Heechul had tried to get his friend alone, and failed, because Donghae would either avoid him, ignore him completely, hide away in his room or have someone with him. It had started to annoy Heechul. Not only was his friend acting like some spoilt, upset child, but over something completely ridiculous!
Heechul wouldn’t admit that it was starting to upset him too. But it was. He wanted his friend back. He wanted Donghae back.
Donghae didn’t look at him, his face was buried in a magazine which he was furiously pretending to be completely immersed in.
Rolling his eyes and letting out a frustrated sigh, Heechul stalked over towards the bed where Donghae lay. “What the hell is your problem?” he demanded, louder this time, and still Donghae would not look up.
“Donghae!”
When he got closer, Heechul realised that Donghae had headphones in, he was listening to music. If Heechul had been the easily embarrassed type, he might have blushed. But he wasn’t, this just served to anger him further. Leaning down, he pulled the headphones from Donghae’s ears, and finally earned himself a look.
“What do you want?” Donghae’s voice sounded so … flat, so unlike Donghae. It was almost disconcerting.
“What’s up with you?” Heechul moved to perch himself on the side of the bed. Donghae shuffled further away. “Are you ever going to talk to me again?”
Donghae ignored him, staring down at his magazine again.
“Are you still hung up about that?”
Donghae looked up at him and Heechul swore for a moment he saw his friend’s eyes flashing darkly.
“You don’t understand, do you, Heechul?” His voice was soft as he spoke. “You don’t get it, do you?”
Heechul, always blunt and to the point, shook his head. “No, Hae, I don’t get it. Can’t you just over this stupid phase and be my friend again?”
For a moment, Heechul was almost afraid Donghae was going to punch him. He could see his friend quiver with anger. He steeled himself and waited for the blow, but it didn’t come.
“Go away, Heechul.” Donghae looked away, looked down at the magazine in his lap, his fingers twisting the pages together. Heechul imagined those pages as his neck, Donghae twisting and squeezing it with his fingers. He found he couldn’t swallow properly.
A moment later, louder, more forceful, “just fuck off, Heechul! Get out!”
Heechul didn’t need to be told a third time. He sent a last glance down at Donghae’s hands, those fingers now tearing the pieces into tiny shreds, and shuddered, before leaving the room.
* * *
Heechul realised after that that love changed everything. Movies and books and drama’s proclaimed that it changed everything for the better, that experiencing love was the best thing a person would ever feel. Once in love, everything was wonderful, every day was sunny and bright, and everyone was nice. Love made everything better.
In Heechul’s experience, it only seemed to make everything worse. It didn’t make every day sunny, it made it dark and stormy, matching the emotions he could feel whirling inside of him. It wasn’t the best thing he had ever felt. It was the worst. Nothing was wonderful anymore, and no one was nice. Especially Donghae, the boy who loved him.
Heechul couldn’t understand why. Why would anyone want to fall in love with him? And why would Donghae, of all people, choose to do so? Donghae knew how Heechul felt; he knew exactly what Heechul thought on the subject. How could he be stupid enough to go and fall in love with him? How could he be stupid enough to think he loved him?
He wanted to hit Donghae, he wanted to slap him in the face and tell him to stop being such a fucking moron. But he didn’t. He couldn’t, because after that talk, Donghae really did start to avoid him. Donghae would pretend Heechul didn’t even exist.
And it hurt. It hurt more than Heechul could have realised, hurt more than he would have cared to admit. If this was love, if this was what it felt like and did to a person, then Heechul definitely didn’t want a part of it. Why couldn’t Donghae see that too?
* * *
“What’s going on with you and Donghae?”
It had taken long enough for someone to finally ask about it. It had been going on for weeks and weeks now, and it was quite obvious to everyone else in the house that something was not right anymore between Heechul and Donghae.
Heechul had seen the looks the others shared with each other when Donghae clearly ignored Heechul’s presence. It infuriated Heechul, not only that Donghae was being such a stubborn idiot, but because no one was saying anything when clearly all of them had noticed and were wondering what was going on.
Finally, Eeteuk, feeling it his place to ask the questions as the leader of the group, had cornered Heechul one evening in the kitchen. They were alone; everyone else was either out, in the living room, or in their bedrooms. It was just the two of them.
“What do you mean?” Heechul retorted, his voice tinged with tired sarcasm.
Eeteuk gave him a look and Heechul sighed.
“I don’t know, alright?” He admitted after a moment. “Donghae’s being an idiot. I can’t get him to talk to me. It isn’t my fault.”
“What have you done?”
Heechul looked up at him. “Why are you placing the blame on me?” he demanded. “I’ve done nothing. It’s Donghae who’s avoiding me, not the other way around.”
Arms folded over his chest, Eeteuk looked suitably disapproving. “Whatever it is, you better fix it, Heechul. It’s affecting the rest of us.”
“How do you want me to fix it? He won’t talk to me!” Eeteuk’s words were only serving to further frustrate Heechul. “It isn’t my fault,” he insisted again. “I didn’t do anything.”
* * *
Maybe, that was Heechul’s problem. He hadn’t done anything. And maybe that was where things were going wrong. Where things had already gone wrong.
But it wasn’t his fault! Donghae knew how he felt; he goddamn knew how Heechul felt on the subject. What did the boy expect Heechul to do? Say ‘okay, I love you too Donghae, let’s try this out.’
Of course not. Donghae couldn’t possibly be that stupid. Could he?
* * *
Heechul had long given up even trying to talk or reason with Donghae. If the idiot wanted to carry on this stupid game and continue being a child, then fine, Heechul would let him. Donghae would realise eventually what a fool he was making out of himself and how stupid all of this was.
Except, Donghae wasn’t realising anything, and he didn’t seem to know how stupid all of this was, and he was still resolutely ignoring Heechul’s very existence.
It had been so long since he’d actually heard Donghae speak to him that it surprised him when that ever-familiar voice said, “I honestly don’t know what I see in you anymore.”
Heechul looked up, surprised to see Donghae standing in the doorway to his room. Donghae looked … so out of place. He hadn’t seen him even near his room for so long now. Heechul wondered fleetingly if this was just a dream. But the look in Donghae’s eyes burned all those thoughts away. This wasn’t a dream. Donghae never looked like that in his dreams, never looked at him in such a … hopeless way.
“Excuse me?”
Donghae leaned himself against the doorframe, arms crossed over his chest as he looked down at Heechul and continued. “I don’t know, I don’t get it. I don’t understand why I feel like this for you or why I still love you. I know you’re selfish, I know you’re mean, and at the moment I hate you. But my heart just won’t agree with the rest of me. Stupid, huh?” He let out a bitter laugh that sent shivers down Heechul’s spine. A laugh like that wasn’t supposed to come from Donghae.
“I could have told you that.”
Donghae frowned. A moment later, he moved further into the room. Heechul tried not to let the surprise show on his face. Why now? Why was Donghae talking to him now?
“It is stupid,” he agreed. “But I can’t help it. I love you, Heechul, and I can’t stop myself feeling like this.” He was closer now, next to the bed where Heechul was sitting.
Heechul watched Donghae’s movements quietly. When Donghae stopped, he paused, before speaking himself. “You know I can’t, Hae,” he said, voice oddly soft for Heechul. “You know how I feel about this.”
Donghae leaned over, leaned in closer, and a moment later Heechul felt a mouth pressing against his own. The kiss was hard, and hot, and rough. Donghae’s lips were insistent as they pushed themselves against Heechul’s. He was taken by surprise, but he didn’t pull away. It lasted longer than he expected. When Donghae pulled away, Heechul was sure he could feel dampness on his cheeks. He said nothing.
“Don’t you think you could try, Heechul?” Donghae’s voice was soft, almost pleading. There was still the light of hope, dimmed and faded true, but shining all the same in his dark eyes. “Couldn’t you just try, for me?”
Heechul stared at Donghae a moment, silently, taking in a few deep breaths after Donghae had inconveniently stolen them away a moment ago.
Finally, he spoke. “You know I can’t.” The words just slipped from Heechul’s lips without him even needing to think about them. “I can’t, Hae. And I don’t want to. I don’t believe in love like that, and I don’t want to.”
Donghae’s hopeful look changed. Heechul watched as that light finally dimmed completely, burnt out. Now, it seemed, those dark eyes were empty. Heechul had killed whatever light Donghae had left.
Mouth twisting, eyes screwing up, spitting the words angrily, Donghae said, “You are so fucking selfish, you know that, Heechul? You don’t care about anyone but yourself.”
Heechul sat there calmly and allowed Donghae to say everything that was on his mind. “I don’t believe it! I don’t believe how selfish you can be!” The words flew at Heechul, spat out at him, stabbing him sharply, knife-tips in his heart. “You don’t even deserve love! You know that? You don’t deserve to have anyone love you ever! You’re too fucking selfish to appreciate it!”
He glared at Heechul, chest heaving with his angry breathing. Heechul had never seen Donghae so furious. At anyone, let alone himself. It was almost scary.
After what seemed like an endless eternity of charged, heated silence, Donghae, voice softer this time, said, “You don’t deserve love at all. I know you don’t. But I can’t help myself still giving it to you anyway.” He made a noise, like a sob he was trying to repress, and turned and left Heechul’s room quickly.
Heechul had never heard Donghae sound so … defeated … so broken. It hurt.
* * *
No, Heechul didn’t deserve love. But perhaps Donghae hadn’t been entirely right. Maybe Heechul wasn’t being as selfish as Donghae thought.
True, Heechul claimed to avoid love because it hurt and he didn’t want to let himself go through that kind of thing. Getting close and involved with a person like that was a pain Heechul would rather spare himself from.
But that wasn’t the only reason Heechul said no to Donghae. He wanted to protect Donghae; he wanted to keep him safe. Donghae deserved someone better, someone who could love him back, who could love him properly, someone who could give Donghae the love he ought to be given.
Heechul couldn’t give him that. He was too selfish, too mean, too self-centred. And, he was too afraid. Love was something he didn’t know or understand; it was an emotion he couldn’t comprehend and make sense of, it was something he couldn’t control or predict, and that scared him.
His reasons were partly out of selfish-ness, and partly out of protection. He didn’t want Donghae to get hurt, because Heechul knew, eventually, he would end up hurting Donghae, and he didn’t think he could bear that.
* * *
“You don’t deserve love at all. I know you don’t. But I can’t help myself still giving it to you anyway.”
* * *
What Heechul couldn’t have predicted was just how much denying it could hurt them both.
- end -
Why do I find it so hard to make my OTP happy? *weeps*