contest entry #16
This is not a love song
YehWook, PG-13, 3.833 words
Dreams of a future that doesn't exist
This is not a love song
"I'm so sick of love songs," Yehsung mutters as he pushes away from the computer and yanks his headphones off, throwing them across the room. The outburst is enough to make Ryeowook look up from his lyrics with the dozens of slight changes and personal notes, but he's not sure he wants to interject otherwise. Sometimes it's better to just let Yehsung rant so that he won't end up taking it out on Kangin or Eeteuk in a random argument four weeks later when nobody understands what he's so upset about.
"This sucks. Can't anyone write something other than love songs? They're all the same and they're creepy," Yehsung complains, and Ryeowook shrugs a little in return. He doesn't really know what Yehsung means - Ryeowook likes love songs, likes how easily they roll off the tongue, likes the romance and the melodies and how comforting they are to listen to, even if they are sad love songs. He likes the images they conjure up in his mind; especially when he's listening to them around Yehsung.
the afternoon, and they will take walks in the park, holding hands without talking because there's no need for words. Ryeowook will call Yehsung 'Jongwoon' now, at least in public, because technically, he's not Yehsung anymore. But Ryeowook won't ever get used to saying Jongwoon, so Yehsung will say that for Ryeowook, he'll be Yehsung. There will be sunshine with a few clouds and a light breeze that makes Yehsung's hair fall into his eyes constantly, and Ryeowook will think it's cute. Ryeowook will blush when he laces their fingers together, unsure about whether or not Yehsung will accept it, but Yehsung will smile and stop, drawing Ryeowook close and kissing him, right there, in the middle of the park with people walking by.
But they won't be the kind of people that point or laugh or shriek or take pictures. They will just smile, and they won't know who Ryeowook and Yehsung are, not anymore. They are just two young men in a world where their faces and names don't matter to anyone but themselves. Ryeowook will kiss Yehsung back and then feel breathless when it's over, because Yehsung will kiss him in a way that no one else has, ever, and it will be everything that Ryeowook has wanted, because
"I need to take a break, c'mon, lets get out of here," Yehsung says, and before Ryeowook knows what happens, he's been yanked to his feet and can do nothing except try to keep up. He still smiles, however, even more when they get outside. The air is crisp and clear, and it feels like freedom to be outside, even if they're still stuck in the city. Ryeowook gives Yehsung a hug for no reason and only laughs when Yehsung looks at him quizzically, asking him if he's on drugs.
--
Being in the limelight means never having a personal life, at least that's what it feels like. Sometimes, Ryeowook wonders if he made the right choice. Just sometimes, though. Not very often. "I don't regret it," he whispers to Yehsung when he asks, and he has to whisper because Eeteuk and Kyuhyun are sleeping in the beds next to his, and both of them need their sleep. He doesn't quite know why Yehsung's here in Ryeowook's bed instead of his own, but it's nothing new and Ryeowook has stopped asking why because he gets a different answer every time. Maybe why doesn't matter. Just like it doesn't matter in love songs either.
Yehsung says - over and over again - that Ryeowook can tell him to get lost if he wants to, but every time Ryeowook shakes his head. He likes having Yehsung here, this close. It doesn't happen that often, after all, and he's learned to treasure these moments.
and somewhere else, in another time, they won't be sharing bedrooms like this, won't be living in a dorm with too many guys their age. They won't have to deal with the struggles of finding their own clothes in the morning and trying to get to the shower before Sungmin uses all the hot water for himself or before Donghae burns the breakfast. In another time, they will have an apartment to themselves and share the bills equally instead of having everything paid for by a company. They will have one bedroom and one bed, but they will share it like now. Almost like now.
The difference will be that they won't have to be quiet, not at all; they will be able to talk all night if that's what they want to do. Ryeowook will be able to do those things he has always wanted to, he will be able to pull Yehsung close to him on their first night there with a laughter that is somewhere between shy and mischievous, and he will kiss Yehsung and undress him slowly, and Yehsung will smile back with all the love in the world in his eyes, and then he will
"I've never regretted it either," Yehsung whispers back, looking strangely satisfied as if he had expected or feared Ryeowook would say something else. Ryeowook smiles and leans his head on Yehsung's shoulder, enjoying the feeling of Yehsung's arm around his shoulders. It's something that he can never seem to get quite used to, but he figures it comes with time. Time, more time - all he wants is a little more time but there never seems to be enough of it. The next time Ryeowook looks up, Yehsung is asleep.
--
Ryeowook shifts his weight from one foot to the other and back again, staring so had at Yehsung that he's surprised nobody has noticed or commented on it so far. Yehsung is far too focused on the stage to notice anything at all - he has watched every performance intently so far, but Ryeowook has no idea just what it is he's looking for. He does know, however, what he is looking for himself. He's looking for a change in Yehsung's expression, a happy smile and a realization that is honest and heartfelt. But, Ryeowook can't expect to get that reaction unless he says something.
The first three times he tries to speak, nothing comes out, and then Shindong interrupts, and then Ryeowook nearly loses his nerve. Eventually, though, he manages, reaching out to touch Yehsung's shoulder first, to make sure that he actually hears Ryeowook's voice instead of just the songs from the stage. "I like you, hyung," he blurts out, even if he had planned on saying something smart, and nice, and romantic. "I m-mean, I like you."
no stressing and there won't be any busy backstage areas around them, no big concerts or endless performances of the same song. They won't be rushing to get from place to place, waiting for hours and then stressing to get things done as quickly as possible because they're on a schedule. Sometimes, there will be small clubs or bars with an open mic night, and Yehsung will go up and sing after their friends - the new ones, the ones that won't care about who they once were - nag him into it.
For a few moments he will look uncomfortable with the spotlight on his face once again, but then the music will start playing and he'll sing, just like he used to. Their friends will laugh and clap, like the rest of the audience, and Ryeowook will feel proud, like he used to. Later, after several drinks and a lot of laughter, Yehsung will be the eager one and he'll talk Ryeowook into doing a duet, merely for old times sake, and Ryeowook won't be looking at the lyrics at all, he will just look at Yehsung, and Yehsung
Yehsung turns away from the stage, for the first time since the performances began, and he looks at Ryeowook. Just looks. He's clearly uncomfortable, but he doesn't seem surprised, not at all. "Oh," he says, and it's enough to make Ryeowook look away, embarrassed. He thinks he shouldn't have said anything, suddenly knows he shouldn't have said anything, and he takes a few steps away because he's not sure how he's supposed to look Yehsung in the eyes anymore.
He doesn't get far before Yehsung catches up with him, grabs his shoulders and forces Ryeowook to look at him. "I like you a lot too, Ryeowook. Just not in that way," he says and offers Ryeowook a warm smile, and Ryeowook can't explain why he feels so sad.
--
It takes weeks before Ryeowook feels like things are back to normal, and even know it's like there's a slight barrier between him and Yehsung. He doesn't like it, not at all, but he doesn't know what he's supposed to do to change it. All he knows is that it hurts that they're not as close as they used to, that it hurts when Yehsung chooses to go shopping with Kangin and Kyuhyun instead, and that it hurts when Yehsung stays up until three in the morning talking to Sungmin instead. Ryeowook doesn't say anything, doesn't protest; instead he takes Eeteuk out to dinner and plays video games with Eunhyuk and cooks with Hankyung the few days Hankyung is in Korea.
won't be Super Junior anymore, but Ryeowook will still be close to his friends, even if he won't see them all the time like now. He'll make an effort to stay in touch, calling most of them at least once a week. He will see Kangin and Shindong on TV almost constantly, and Heechul too. Shiwon won't be around so much, he'll spend most of his time in China, with Hankyung. No one will really know where Kibum is, but he sounds cheerful whenever he calls, so they won't pester him too much.
The rest they'll see often, just like now. Yehsung will come home with Kyuhyun and Sungmin in tow more often than not, and they'll have dinner together and watch movies all evening, and sometimes Donghae will come over and they'll all spend the night together, even if Ryeowook and Yehsung doesn't have enough beds for them all. They will be invited to Eeteuk's place for group dinners at least once a month, and Eunhyuk will entertain them all with stories about his crazy girlfriend and her even crazier mother, and Ryeowook will hold Yehsung's hand under the table and everyone will tease them for it, saying that they shouldn't try to hide it anymore, not after
And then Yehsung sneaks into Ryeowook's bed again, late at night when he can't sleep, and Ryeowook can't help but laugh as he moves over, making room for him. "Can't sleep, hyung?" he asks, and Yehsung nods, grinning. Ryeowook is amazed that the awkwardness can be solved as easily as this, but he's not going to complain, and he's not going to make things awkward again, either. At least he has confessed now, there's no need to do it again, especially when he knows that Yehsung doesn't feel the same way. He wants to ask why, why not, but instead he stays silent and lets Yehsung tell him about the fight Heechul and Kangin had when Ryeowook was out.
--
They are learning new songs with new lyrics and new rhythms, and Ryeowook can tell that Yehsung's frustrated. He doesn't say anything, he's too professional for that, but Ryeowook knows anyway. The rest of them are excited, broken up into little groups as they rehearse, and the room is filled with too many voices trying out too many new songs. Yehsung frowns as he flips through the sheets of lyrics that have his own lines highlighted in blue. Ryeowook smiles over the fact that his own lines are highlighted in bright orange, and he finds himself wondering if Sungmin's are in pink.
"Too many love songs," Yehsung mutters, and Ryeowook opts for not saying anything. He merely pats Yehsung's shoulder and walks over to go through the songs with Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun, who is looking nervous and happy and like he's about to keel over all at the same time, and who doesn't have any strong feelings towards love songs whatsoever.
not what he expected, but Ryeowook will be happy with his job, working part time in a kindergarten and part time as a sound technician in a few radio shows. It won't be something that pays incredibly well, but Ryeowook will be peaceful, and happy. He won't be overworked like before, and he'll have time for himself, time to take a vacation, time to live. Yehsung will have more of a public role; he'll be offered a radio show again, and he'll keep hosting it for years with a loyal fan base. Not everyone will forget who they are, who they once were.
Sometimes Yehsung will invite Ryeowook to guest, and occasionally he'll agree to it. Every time he'll be nervous because he hasn't done this in so long, but it will be fun once he gets there, and they'll chat and sing every now and then, but Yehsung won't ever play love songs. Ryeowook will sometimes choose love songs, just to tease him, and Yehsung will throw something across the room at him. "You're an idiot," he'll say, but he'll be grinning so Ryeowook will forgive him instantly for being mean. He will think that they're really lucky, that their jobs are perfect and that it's more than
Sungmin gives Ryeowook a hug, out of nowhere, and keeps moving through the group, hugging everyone just because he can. It makes Ryeowook grin, because Sungmin's mood is infectious. Yehsung still looks dissatisfied, however, when he walks over to Kyuhyun and Ryeowook. "Remind me to never record any love songs whenever I make a solo album," he says, and somehow the comment makes Ryeowook sad again.
Kyuhyun only laughs, though, as if it's just funny. "You'll never release a solo album, hyung," he says, and ignores Yehsung's almost-but-not-quite glare. "We'll be together forever." Kyuhyun smiles so widely that it's almost impossible not to agree with him, but the look on Yehsung's face manages to stop Ryeowook from agreeing. Instead he looks back down on his lyrics, wondering how long they're going to be able to keep doing this, together.
--
Ryeowook hasn't seen his family in too long, and he feels guilty when he talks to his mother on the phone in between voice lessons and dance practice. He doesn't have time to talk for more than about five minutes, and even then the time is interrupted by everyone else that are talking too loudly, almost drowning out his mother's voice. "I'm proud of you, but I hope you'll come visit soon," she says so softly that Ryeowook can tell that she's fighting back tears. He knows, because he's the exact same way himself.
"I will, I promise," he says and he feels bad because he's fairly sure it's a promise he will break. Just like he has broken it many times before. He always says he'll come home soon, but then he never has time, or something comes up, or he's too tired. Sometimes his parents come to visit him at the dorms instead, and they get along with the boys just fine, but even if everyone strives to be polite and quiet and respectful, the dorms are always too loud and they don't stay long.
weekend off, they will visit Yehsung's family, and Ryeowook will be far too nervous. He's met them before, back when he was 'Ryeowookie, our eternal magnae'. But now he'll be 'Ryeowook, my boyfriend', and he's not sure how they'll take it. Yehsung will smile and tell him that they'll love him, but for once Ryeowook can't manage to believe him. He won't be able to eat anything for breakfast, or on the drive there, and he won't sing along when Yehsung plays CDs too loudly and sings just as loud, making Ryeowook's head spin.
He will worry for nothing and Yehsung's parents won't mind the change in their relationship from friends and roommates to boyfriends, and they'll make Ryeowook feel welcome and tell him embarrassing stories from Yehsung's childhood. Ryeowook will let Yehsung's brother take him for a walk and after the first initial awkwardness it will be nice, like having another friend. They will stay there for the entire weekend and it'll be fun and Ryeowook will mean it of all his heart when he says "we'll be back soon" and hugs Yehsung's parents goodbye, impulsively. Yehsung will beam like only he can beam when he's happy, and he'll let Ryeowook choose the songs on the drive back home, but he'll still sing just as
Ryeowook watches enviously when Yehsung's parents come to visit them. Yehsung doesn't have any more time to visit his family than Ryeowook has, than any of them have, so Ryeowook isn't sure why he's so envious. Maybe it's because Yehsung's never guilty when he talks to them on the phone, maybe it's because they're just proud of him and doesn't tell him to come home soon, come for a visit soon. Maybe it's because Yehsung laughs all that much more when he talks to his parents and his brother.
"Do you ever wish you could see them more often?" Ryeowook asks, and it surprises him how vulnerable he sounds. But Yehsung doesn't notice and merely shakes his head, telling Ryeowook that no, he sees them enough. He's a grown-up, after all, and they'd probably drive him insane if they were together more often. He laughs and tells Ryeowook that families are the best when they're not too close, and Ryeowook forces a smile, says that's probably true.
--
There's something strange about being at a club, as if they're students hanging out with their friends. Ryeowook isn't used to this; most of the times he'll stay home because he doesn't really like partying (and because Heechul becomes too clingy when he's drunk). Tonight, though, he's let Eeteuk talk him into going, because everyone else is, and because Eeteuk was far too enthusiastic to say no to. And Ryeowook has to admit that it's a lot of fun, being out like this.
Eeteuk has called other friends as well, and whether it's from magic or just an incredibly good timing, a lot of them show up, bringing their friends as well. Eventually they fill the club and end up more or less renting it for the night, pushing out everyone else so that they can just have fun and avoid fans either talking to them all night or giggling and taking pictures of them. Ryeowook isn't shy, not really, but he still stays with his friends, because that seems like the smartest option for him. Yehsung disappears after a few drinks and Ryeowook has no idea where he is, even if he keeps looking for him.
time that pass by, artists and groups will come and go, just like artists and groups tend to do, and Ryeowook will follow it and watch music shows on TV with a slightly melancholic smile. A few of the ones they knew when they were Super Junior are still performing, are still living the same life. Yehsung will ask him if he misses it, but Ryeowook will shake his head. He won't have any regrets at all, he will be happy about the choices he's made, the twists and turns of his life. He will smile and say that as long as he has Yehsung, he won't miss anything at all.
It will make Yehsung laugh and sit down on Ryeowook's lap, curling his arms around Ryeowook's neck, and even though Ryeowook will complain that it's too heavy, he won't make Yehsung move. Instead he'll pull Yehsung down and kiss him and kiss him and kiss him, and he won't ever want to stop because this is perfect, perfect like a happy, upbeat love song and Ryeowook believes
When Ryeowook finally spots Yehsung he almost wishes he hadn't, because Yehsung is on the dance floor, dancing with someone else. Someone with dark hair that obscures his face and his hands on Yehsung's hips and his face too close to Yehsung's. But when Yehsung moves closer, leaning in to do something other than dancing, the dark-haired someone shakes his head and pulls away, disappearing into the crowd. Ryeowook swallows and looks away abruptly, staring down at his hands when Yehsung returns to the table.
"Didn't go so well, huh? I told you so," Heechul says from the other side of the table, and laughs when Yehsung shoves him out of the way. Ryeowook chews on his lower lip and doesn't say anything, doesn't know what to say. "You should know better than to fall in love with another singer," Heechul says to Yehsung, and Yehsung kisses him just to shut him up, and while the others cheer Ryeowook wonders if he knows Yehsung at all.
--
It's too late and they're too tired when Yehsung wraps his arms around Ryeowook's waist and kisses the corner of his mouth. Ryeowook wants to tell him to do it properly, damnit, that he shouldn't be careful. That he should at least act as if this is truly what he wants. It's as if Yehsung can hear his thoughts, because suddenly he turns his head that tiny little bit and presses his lips to Ryeowook's in a kiss that is too dry, too chaste, too searching. It's nowhere near the romantic first kiss Ryeowook has always envisioned, and the guilty expression on Yehsung's face when he breaks away doesn't make it any better.
"This doesn't mean---"
"I know," Ryeowook interrupts hastily, because he doesn't want to hear what Yehsung is about to say. Doesn't want to know that Yehsung's just doing this for his own, selfish reasons, because he can't get the one he really wants. Doesn't want to know that they're still just friends, even if Yehsung grants him the kind of affection he's longed for. Doesn't want to know that they still have the same relationship, that the slight changes really mean nothing at all. Doesn't want to know, and yet he's known it all along.
"Ryeowook, I..." Yehsung begins, and then shrugs, awkwardly. Ryeowook doesn't like to see him like this, almost insecure. It doesn't fit him; it's not how it's supposed to be. Not how it's supposed to be. "I can't give you a good explanation. Let’s just say that you want the things we sing about in sappy love songs. And that I hate love songs. I think that’s the best explanation I can give," Yehsung says, and shrugs, and walks away.
"This isn't a love song. It won't ever be," Ryeowook answers quietly, sadly, to the empty room, and doesn't say anything else because there's nothing else to say.
but it will come close, just because Ryeowook loves
YehWook, PG-13, 3.833 words
Dreams of a future that doesn't exist
This is not a love song
"I'm so sick of love songs," Yehsung mutters as he pushes away from the computer and yanks his headphones off, throwing them across the room. The outburst is enough to make Ryeowook look up from his lyrics with the dozens of slight changes and personal notes, but he's not sure he wants to interject otherwise. Sometimes it's better to just let Yehsung rant so that he won't end up taking it out on Kangin or Eeteuk in a random argument four weeks later when nobody understands what he's so upset about.
"This sucks. Can't anyone write something other than love songs? They're all the same and they're creepy," Yehsung complains, and Ryeowook shrugs a little in return. He doesn't really know what Yehsung means - Ryeowook likes love songs, likes how easily they roll off the tongue, likes the romance and the melodies and how comforting they are to listen to, even if they are sad love songs. He likes the images they conjure up in his mind; especially when he's listening to them around Yehsung.
the afternoon, and they will take walks in the park, holding hands without talking because there's no need for words. Ryeowook will call Yehsung 'Jongwoon' now, at least in public, because technically, he's not Yehsung anymore. But Ryeowook won't ever get used to saying Jongwoon, so Yehsung will say that for Ryeowook, he'll be Yehsung. There will be sunshine with a few clouds and a light breeze that makes Yehsung's hair fall into his eyes constantly, and Ryeowook will think it's cute. Ryeowook will blush when he laces their fingers together, unsure about whether or not Yehsung will accept it, but Yehsung will smile and stop, drawing Ryeowook close and kissing him, right there, in the middle of the park with people walking by.
But they won't be the kind of people that point or laugh or shriek or take pictures. They will just smile, and they won't know who Ryeowook and Yehsung are, not anymore. They are just two young men in a world where their faces and names don't matter to anyone but themselves. Ryeowook will kiss Yehsung back and then feel breathless when it's over, because Yehsung will kiss him in a way that no one else has, ever, and it will be everything that Ryeowook has wanted, because
"I need to take a break, c'mon, lets get out of here," Yehsung says, and before Ryeowook knows what happens, he's been yanked to his feet and can do nothing except try to keep up. He still smiles, however, even more when they get outside. The air is crisp and clear, and it feels like freedom to be outside, even if they're still stuck in the city. Ryeowook gives Yehsung a hug for no reason and only laughs when Yehsung looks at him quizzically, asking him if he's on drugs.
--
Being in the limelight means never having a personal life, at least that's what it feels like. Sometimes, Ryeowook wonders if he made the right choice. Just sometimes, though. Not very often. "I don't regret it," he whispers to Yehsung when he asks, and he has to whisper because Eeteuk and Kyuhyun are sleeping in the beds next to his, and both of them need their sleep. He doesn't quite know why Yehsung's here in Ryeowook's bed instead of his own, but it's nothing new and Ryeowook has stopped asking why because he gets a different answer every time. Maybe why doesn't matter. Just like it doesn't matter in love songs either.
Yehsung says - over and over again - that Ryeowook can tell him to get lost if he wants to, but every time Ryeowook shakes his head. He likes having Yehsung here, this close. It doesn't happen that often, after all, and he's learned to treasure these moments.
and somewhere else, in another time, they won't be sharing bedrooms like this, won't be living in a dorm with too many guys their age. They won't have to deal with the struggles of finding their own clothes in the morning and trying to get to the shower before Sungmin uses all the hot water for himself or before Donghae burns the breakfast. In another time, they will have an apartment to themselves and share the bills equally instead of having everything paid for by a company. They will have one bedroom and one bed, but they will share it like now. Almost like now.
The difference will be that they won't have to be quiet, not at all; they will be able to talk all night if that's what they want to do. Ryeowook will be able to do those things he has always wanted to, he will be able to pull Yehsung close to him on their first night there with a laughter that is somewhere between shy and mischievous, and he will kiss Yehsung and undress him slowly, and Yehsung will smile back with all the love in the world in his eyes, and then he will
"I've never regretted it either," Yehsung whispers back, looking strangely satisfied as if he had expected or feared Ryeowook would say something else. Ryeowook smiles and leans his head on Yehsung's shoulder, enjoying the feeling of Yehsung's arm around his shoulders. It's something that he can never seem to get quite used to, but he figures it comes with time. Time, more time - all he wants is a little more time but there never seems to be enough of it. The next time Ryeowook looks up, Yehsung is asleep.
--
Ryeowook shifts his weight from one foot to the other and back again, staring so had at Yehsung that he's surprised nobody has noticed or commented on it so far. Yehsung is far too focused on the stage to notice anything at all - he has watched every performance intently so far, but Ryeowook has no idea just what it is he's looking for. He does know, however, what he is looking for himself. He's looking for a change in Yehsung's expression, a happy smile and a realization that is honest and heartfelt. But, Ryeowook can't expect to get that reaction unless he says something.
The first three times he tries to speak, nothing comes out, and then Shindong interrupts, and then Ryeowook nearly loses his nerve. Eventually, though, he manages, reaching out to touch Yehsung's shoulder first, to make sure that he actually hears Ryeowook's voice instead of just the songs from the stage. "I like you, hyung," he blurts out, even if he had planned on saying something smart, and nice, and romantic. "I m-mean, I like you."
no stressing and there won't be any busy backstage areas around them, no big concerts or endless performances of the same song. They won't be rushing to get from place to place, waiting for hours and then stressing to get things done as quickly as possible because they're on a schedule. Sometimes, there will be small clubs or bars with an open mic night, and Yehsung will go up and sing after their friends - the new ones, the ones that won't care about who they once were - nag him into it.
For a few moments he will look uncomfortable with the spotlight on his face once again, but then the music will start playing and he'll sing, just like he used to. Their friends will laugh and clap, like the rest of the audience, and Ryeowook will feel proud, like he used to. Later, after several drinks and a lot of laughter, Yehsung will be the eager one and he'll talk Ryeowook into doing a duet, merely for old times sake, and Ryeowook won't be looking at the lyrics at all, he will just look at Yehsung, and Yehsung
Yehsung turns away from the stage, for the first time since the performances began, and he looks at Ryeowook. Just looks. He's clearly uncomfortable, but he doesn't seem surprised, not at all. "Oh," he says, and it's enough to make Ryeowook look away, embarrassed. He thinks he shouldn't have said anything, suddenly knows he shouldn't have said anything, and he takes a few steps away because he's not sure how he's supposed to look Yehsung in the eyes anymore.
He doesn't get far before Yehsung catches up with him, grabs his shoulders and forces Ryeowook to look at him. "I like you a lot too, Ryeowook. Just not in that way," he says and offers Ryeowook a warm smile, and Ryeowook can't explain why he feels so sad.
--
It takes weeks before Ryeowook feels like things are back to normal, and even know it's like there's a slight barrier between him and Yehsung. He doesn't like it, not at all, but he doesn't know what he's supposed to do to change it. All he knows is that it hurts that they're not as close as they used to, that it hurts when Yehsung chooses to go shopping with Kangin and Kyuhyun instead, and that it hurts when Yehsung stays up until three in the morning talking to Sungmin instead. Ryeowook doesn't say anything, doesn't protest; instead he takes Eeteuk out to dinner and plays video games with Eunhyuk and cooks with Hankyung the few days Hankyung is in Korea.
won't be Super Junior anymore, but Ryeowook will still be close to his friends, even if he won't see them all the time like now. He'll make an effort to stay in touch, calling most of them at least once a week. He will see Kangin and Shindong on TV almost constantly, and Heechul too. Shiwon won't be around so much, he'll spend most of his time in China, with Hankyung. No one will really know where Kibum is, but he sounds cheerful whenever he calls, so they won't pester him too much.
The rest they'll see often, just like now. Yehsung will come home with Kyuhyun and Sungmin in tow more often than not, and they'll have dinner together and watch movies all evening, and sometimes Donghae will come over and they'll all spend the night together, even if Ryeowook and Yehsung doesn't have enough beds for them all. They will be invited to Eeteuk's place for group dinners at least once a month, and Eunhyuk will entertain them all with stories about his crazy girlfriend and her even crazier mother, and Ryeowook will hold Yehsung's hand under the table and everyone will tease them for it, saying that they shouldn't try to hide it anymore, not after
And then Yehsung sneaks into Ryeowook's bed again, late at night when he can't sleep, and Ryeowook can't help but laugh as he moves over, making room for him. "Can't sleep, hyung?" he asks, and Yehsung nods, grinning. Ryeowook is amazed that the awkwardness can be solved as easily as this, but he's not going to complain, and he's not going to make things awkward again, either. At least he has confessed now, there's no need to do it again, especially when he knows that Yehsung doesn't feel the same way. He wants to ask why, why not, but instead he stays silent and lets Yehsung tell him about the fight Heechul and Kangin had when Ryeowook was out.
--
They are learning new songs with new lyrics and new rhythms, and Ryeowook can tell that Yehsung's frustrated. He doesn't say anything, he's too professional for that, but Ryeowook knows anyway. The rest of them are excited, broken up into little groups as they rehearse, and the room is filled with too many voices trying out too many new songs. Yehsung frowns as he flips through the sheets of lyrics that have his own lines highlighted in blue. Ryeowook smiles over the fact that his own lines are highlighted in bright orange, and he finds himself wondering if Sungmin's are in pink.
"Too many love songs," Yehsung mutters, and Ryeowook opts for not saying anything. He merely pats Yehsung's shoulder and walks over to go through the songs with Kyuhyun. Kyuhyun, who is looking nervous and happy and like he's about to keel over all at the same time, and who doesn't have any strong feelings towards love songs whatsoever.
not what he expected, but Ryeowook will be happy with his job, working part time in a kindergarten and part time as a sound technician in a few radio shows. It won't be something that pays incredibly well, but Ryeowook will be peaceful, and happy. He won't be overworked like before, and he'll have time for himself, time to take a vacation, time to live. Yehsung will have more of a public role; he'll be offered a radio show again, and he'll keep hosting it for years with a loyal fan base. Not everyone will forget who they are, who they once were.
Sometimes Yehsung will invite Ryeowook to guest, and occasionally he'll agree to it. Every time he'll be nervous because he hasn't done this in so long, but it will be fun once he gets there, and they'll chat and sing every now and then, but Yehsung won't ever play love songs. Ryeowook will sometimes choose love songs, just to tease him, and Yehsung will throw something across the room at him. "You're an idiot," he'll say, but he'll be grinning so Ryeowook will forgive him instantly for being mean. He will think that they're really lucky, that their jobs are perfect and that it's more than
Sungmin gives Ryeowook a hug, out of nowhere, and keeps moving through the group, hugging everyone just because he can. It makes Ryeowook grin, because Sungmin's mood is infectious. Yehsung still looks dissatisfied, however, when he walks over to Kyuhyun and Ryeowook. "Remind me to never record any love songs whenever I make a solo album," he says, and somehow the comment makes Ryeowook sad again.
Kyuhyun only laughs, though, as if it's just funny. "You'll never release a solo album, hyung," he says, and ignores Yehsung's almost-but-not-quite glare. "We'll be together forever." Kyuhyun smiles so widely that it's almost impossible not to agree with him, but the look on Yehsung's face manages to stop Ryeowook from agreeing. Instead he looks back down on his lyrics, wondering how long they're going to be able to keep doing this, together.
--
Ryeowook hasn't seen his family in too long, and he feels guilty when he talks to his mother on the phone in between voice lessons and dance practice. He doesn't have time to talk for more than about five minutes, and even then the time is interrupted by everyone else that are talking too loudly, almost drowning out his mother's voice. "I'm proud of you, but I hope you'll come visit soon," she says so softly that Ryeowook can tell that she's fighting back tears. He knows, because he's the exact same way himself.
"I will, I promise," he says and he feels bad because he's fairly sure it's a promise he will break. Just like he has broken it many times before. He always says he'll come home soon, but then he never has time, or something comes up, or he's too tired. Sometimes his parents come to visit him at the dorms instead, and they get along with the boys just fine, but even if everyone strives to be polite and quiet and respectful, the dorms are always too loud and they don't stay long.
weekend off, they will visit Yehsung's family, and Ryeowook will be far too nervous. He's met them before, back when he was 'Ryeowookie, our eternal magnae'. But now he'll be 'Ryeowook, my boyfriend', and he's not sure how they'll take it. Yehsung will smile and tell him that they'll love him, but for once Ryeowook can't manage to believe him. He won't be able to eat anything for breakfast, or on the drive there, and he won't sing along when Yehsung plays CDs too loudly and sings just as loud, making Ryeowook's head spin.
He will worry for nothing and Yehsung's parents won't mind the change in their relationship from friends and roommates to boyfriends, and they'll make Ryeowook feel welcome and tell him embarrassing stories from Yehsung's childhood. Ryeowook will let Yehsung's brother take him for a walk and after the first initial awkwardness it will be nice, like having another friend. They will stay there for the entire weekend and it'll be fun and Ryeowook will mean it of all his heart when he says "we'll be back soon" and hugs Yehsung's parents goodbye, impulsively. Yehsung will beam like only he can beam when he's happy, and he'll let Ryeowook choose the songs on the drive back home, but he'll still sing just as
Ryeowook watches enviously when Yehsung's parents come to visit them. Yehsung doesn't have any more time to visit his family than Ryeowook has, than any of them have, so Ryeowook isn't sure why he's so envious. Maybe it's because Yehsung's never guilty when he talks to them on the phone, maybe it's because they're just proud of him and doesn't tell him to come home soon, come for a visit soon. Maybe it's because Yehsung laughs all that much more when he talks to his parents and his brother.
"Do you ever wish you could see them more often?" Ryeowook asks, and it surprises him how vulnerable he sounds. But Yehsung doesn't notice and merely shakes his head, telling Ryeowook that no, he sees them enough. He's a grown-up, after all, and they'd probably drive him insane if they were together more often. He laughs and tells Ryeowook that families are the best when they're not too close, and Ryeowook forces a smile, says that's probably true.
--
There's something strange about being at a club, as if they're students hanging out with their friends. Ryeowook isn't used to this; most of the times he'll stay home because he doesn't really like partying (and because Heechul becomes too clingy when he's drunk). Tonight, though, he's let Eeteuk talk him into going, because everyone else is, and because Eeteuk was far too enthusiastic to say no to. And Ryeowook has to admit that it's a lot of fun, being out like this.
Eeteuk has called other friends as well, and whether it's from magic or just an incredibly good timing, a lot of them show up, bringing their friends as well. Eventually they fill the club and end up more or less renting it for the night, pushing out everyone else so that they can just have fun and avoid fans either talking to them all night or giggling and taking pictures of them. Ryeowook isn't shy, not really, but he still stays with his friends, because that seems like the smartest option for him. Yehsung disappears after a few drinks and Ryeowook has no idea where he is, even if he keeps looking for him.
time that pass by, artists and groups will come and go, just like artists and groups tend to do, and Ryeowook will follow it and watch music shows on TV with a slightly melancholic smile. A few of the ones they knew when they were Super Junior are still performing, are still living the same life. Yehsung will ask him if he misses it, but Ryeowook will shake his head. He won't have any regrets at all, he will be happy about the choices he's made, the twists and turns of his life. He will smile and say that as long as he has Yehsung, he won't miss anything at all.
It will make Yehsung laugh and sit down on Ryeowook's lap, curling his arms around Ryeowook's neck, and even though Ryeowook will complain that it's too heavy, he won't make Yehsung move. Instead he'll pull Yehsung down and kiss him and kiss him and kiss him, and he won't ever want to stop because this is perfect, perfect like a happy, upbeat love song and Ryeowook believes
When Ryeowook finally spots Yehsung he almost wishes he hadn't, because Yehsung is on the dance floor, dancing with someone else. Someone with dark hair that obscures his face and his hands on Yehsung's hips and his face too close to Yehsung's. But when Yehsung moves closer, leaning in to do something other than dancing, the dark-haired someone shakes his head and pulls away, disappearing into the crowd. Ryeowook swallows and looks away abruptly, staring down at his hands when Yehsung returns to the table.
"Didn't go so well, huh? I told you so," Heechul says from the other side of the table, and laughs when Yehsung shoves him out of the way. Ryeowook chews on his lower lip and doesn't say anything, doesn't know what to say. "You should know better than to fall in love with another singer," Heechul says to Yehsung, and Yehsung kisses him just to shut him up, and while the others cheer Ryeowook wonders if he knows Yehsung at all.
--
It's too late and they're too tired when Yehsung wraps his arms around Ryeowook's waist and kisses the corner of his mouth. Ryeowook wants to tell him to do it properly, damnit, that he shouldn't be careful. That he should at least act as if this is truly what he wants. It's as if Yehsung can hear his thoughts, because suddenly he turns his head that tiny little bit and presses his lips to Ryeowook's in a kiss that is too dry, too chaste, too searching. It's nowhere near the romantic first kiss Ryeowook has always envisioned, and the guilty expression on Yehsung's face when he breaks away doesn't make it any better.
"This doesn't mean---"
"I know," Ryeowook interrupts hastily, because he doesn't want to hear what Yehsung is about to say. Doesn't want to know that Yehsung's just doing this for his own, selfish reasons, because he can't get the one he really wants. Doesn't want to know that they're still just friends, even if Yehsung grants him the kind of affection he's longed for. Doesn't want to know that they still have the same relationship, that the slight changes really mean nothing at all. Doesn't want to know, and yet he's known it all along.
"Ryeowook, I..." Yehsung begins, and then shrugs, awkwardly. Ryeowook doesn't like to see him like this, almost insecure. It doesn't fit him; it's not how it's supposed to be. Not how it's supposed to be. "I can't give you a good explanation. Let’s just say that you want the things we sing about in sappy love songs. And that I hate love songs. I think that’s the best explanation I can give," Yehsung says, and shrugs, and walks away.
"This isn't a love song. It won't ever be," Ryeowook answers quietly, sadly, to the empty room, and doesn't say anything else because there's nothing else to say.
but it will come close, just because Ryeowook loves