Kyuhyun and the Seven Elves
Title: Kyuhyun and the Seven Elves
Pairing: Kyuhyun/Sungmin
Rating: Pg-13
Genre: Crack and questionable romance
Summary: You know it's going to be crack when Kyuhyun's a Princess. A Snow White parody.
Once upon a sunny afternoon, the birds sung merrily and trees danced gently in the calm breeze, the gorgeous weather wasted as a certain King Queen (because Heechul is too damn pretty to be a King) cooped himself up in his Master Bedroom.
Queen Heechul lived a luxurious life in a huge-ass castle with his loyal bitches huntsman and manservant, Siwon and Hankyung. He was a beautiful Queen of permanent smirk on his porcelain features and orange hair as bold as his personality.
“Siwon, this isn’t nearly the shade of lavender I had requested. Have the royal dress-maker remake one…and then fire her” Queen Heechul commanded, flinging the shimmering silk gown towards the general direction of his huntsman who promptly scooped up the dress and marched out of the room.
“Hannie, bring me my mirror”, the Queen demanded as he stroked the Royal Cat, Heebum, between the ears. The Chinese manservant looked warily at the table top crowded with mirrors of every color, shape and pattern of embedded semi-precious metals.
The Queen sighed, as if he expected that the manservant could read his mind. “I want my Boa…got a question for her.” Nodding curtly, Hankyung reached into the forest of mirrors and pulled out one silver-plated mirror with embedded rubies, handing it to his Queen with a deep bow.
Queen Heechul patted his manservant on the cheek tenderly and plucked the mirror from his grasp, settling it between a pair of newly manicured fingernails.
“Mirror, mirror, in my hand, who’s the sexiest babe in all this land?” The Queen asked; his smug expression blurred into one of a young blonde woman’s, who responded with a touch of quirk: “Not you anymore, Queen, but rather that scrawny brat of yours on the other side of the castle. Karma’s a bitch.”
Boa winked and blurred away, leaving the Queen to stare at his own shell-shocked, furious expression. “NO. Boa you get your face back in here!”
The only response he received was an image of the Princess (because a Princess Kyuhyun is that much more interesting then a Prince Kyuhyun) in all of his glorious beauty; long thick eyelashes fluttering semiconsciously as he growled at the computer screen…
The Queen roared and threw the mirror at the wall, where it ricocheted and landed on a dozing Heebum. Hankyung stood at the corner of the room, easing his way slowly towards the door away from the snarling Queen and hissing Royal Cat.
***
Meanwhile, the oblivious Princess continued playing Starcraft in his closet bedroom.
Boa wasn’t exaggerating Kyuhyun’s beauty to make the Queen jealous (though that was the partial reason, Boa never denied herself fun when the opportunity showed).
The Princess had silky, chocolate brown hair, delicate features rivalling those of his step-mother, and skin as white as snow (though this was from the lack of outdoor time spent due to his Starcraft obsession).
Suddenly, the pigeons who had been lounging around the front of the castle scattered abruptly. Kyuhyun knew this could only mean one thing.
The Princess cursed under his breath and saved the game, shutting down his laptop and carefully stowing it under his bed. Kyuhyun crossed his arms and glared at the door expectantly.
Surely enough, it was only seconds later when the sound of stilettos jabbing wood grew louder and louder until Kyuhyun’s bedroom door slammed open.
“You…” the Queen said with a rather unattractive snarl, “How could a little runt like you…” he grabbed Kyuhyun by the face, leaving crescent marks on the Princess’s cheeks. What only added fuel to the Queen’s anger was how indifferent he looked under the treatment.
“What is it this time, your royal majesty?” The Princess asks in a bored, sarcastic tone, blinking lazily up at his step-mother.
You’d think someone as smart as the Princess would learn to humour such a woman-- unfortunately, Kyuhyun’s loveable snark simply overshadowed any form of logic.
“What?! You little brat! I…I” Queen Heechul looked from Kyuhyun’s defiant eyes to Hankyung, who had been gazing into space for the entire event. “Hankyung! Take this little runt’s laptop and throw it in the lake!”
It was now Kyuhyun’s turn to be furious: you could mess with him, but never mess with Starcraft. Before Hankyung could comprehend what his Queen’s order had been, Kyuhyun slipped out of his grasp and grabbed the sleek laptop under his bed, bolting down the rickety stairs.
Clearly too beautiful to do anything effortful, Queen Heechul stuck his head out of the window and spotted Siwon returning from his duty. “GET THE PRINCESS!” He shrieked in an uncharacteristic squawk.
“I’m a boy!” responded the said Princess, jerking his head towards the castle with a snarl before running harder then ever.
The huntsman chased frantically; the forest path thinned more and more as the Princess ran blindly with his body and clothing full of cuts. His grip on the precious laptop never slackened though.
Unfortunately, Siwon was rather familiar with the forest and managed to corner him. He pointed his sword at Kyuhyun and said, “Come with me, Princess--”
Kyuhyun twitched violently at the title: “I’m a boy!!” Kyuhyun cried, leaping forward to knee his to-be abductor in the southern regions.
As much as the Princess would have liked to have had a visual aid to accompany the heavy thud and whimper that echoed behind him, his survival instinct kicked in and he continued his sprint through the forest.
“You don’t mess with Starcraft” Kyuhyun muttered, snickering as he clambered through the branches with a new enthusiasm.
***
“You know, if you weren’t so hot and lovable, I would have had your head years ago,” the Queen hissed, eyebrows twitching in irritation. Hankyung blinked.
***
It was dark, cold, there was no food or water, and potentially dangerous creatures lurked around for miles. However, these were insignificant compared to the steadily decreasing battery bar of Kyuhyun’s laptop.
“Shit,” cursed the Princess, as the power-saving mode began kicking in. He needed to find a power outlet soon…
Luckily for him, there was a light in the near distance. Kyuhyun noticed and jogged through the remaining mass of trees, hoping that they weren’t candle lights.
He nearly passed out in relief when the lights were much, much too bright to be candles. Running up to the small cabin, Kyuhyun rapped anxiously on the door...
The second it opened, the Princess rushed in (completely ignoring the loud “oof!” that followed) and clambered around for the closest electricity outlet- shoving the plug in swiftly.
Kyuhyun sunk to the floor and rubbed his temple in relief. When he opened his eyes to observe at his surroundings, the Princess was very much surprised--
“Wha-why the hell…midgets?!” Kyuhyun stuttered, frantically pointing at the miniscule men crowding the room. A low growl came from the left of the room, where an elf with short black hair stood, scowling. “We don’t appreciate having strangers barging in at fucking 2 am and then calling us midgets!”
“That’s rude, Kangin. Treat the guest with respect,” said a motherly-looking elf with light brownish-red hair, “Care for a cookie?” He offered Kyuhyun, holding up a tray of charred black chunks with a dazzling grin.
“No it’s ok-” His words shrived into a small shriek when a taller, scrawnier elf with a smile that took up more then half of his face pounced into his lap.
“Wow, you’re so pretty!” The elf (who obviously had no sense of personal space) exclaimed with slightly accented Korean, proceeding to pinch the shell-shocked Princess’s cheeks.
“Z-zhou M-mi…you s-should’d stop. Y-you’re scaring h-her,” stammered a smaller elf with large amber eyes and high cheekbones. By instinct, Kyuhyun snarled, “I. Am. Not. A. Girl.” He spat venomously, feeling slightly guilty when the elf started to whimper.
“HEY stop it!!” Cried another elf that had been standing close behind. Before Kyuhyun could get a good look at him, the elf sneezed loudly and proceeded to trip over his own feet to sprawl inches away from the laptop (which the Princess snatched up in panic).
“Don’t bully Ryeowook!” The elf scampered up like nothing had happened, his mid-length black hair covering his eyes as he clutched Kyuhyun by the collar. This action may have proved intimidating if the elf had not been three feet tall.
“Eh…what’s happening…Yesung-hyung who’s that?” Another elf had entered the room, rubbing his eyes while dragging a blanket with a sewn-on maple leaf behind him.
Eeteuk immediately ran to the elf’s side and cooed with so much affection that Kyuhyun was sure that for a second, he saw giant cartoon hearts. “Oh, Henry, were we too loud? Sorry, we woke you up didn’t we?”
“Hyung, I’m not four,” Henry pouted in a childish fashion that really didn’t do anything to validate his point. “Who’s the human girl?”
“Ohmygod, I am not a fucking (Eeteuk gasped and covered Henry’s ears) girl!” Kyuhyun shouted, for the third time that day, with a roll of his eyes and a sigh of exasperation.
Something suddenly smacked the Princess across his head-- hard. “Hey what the hell?!” Kyuhyun clutched his head and looked up at his offender with a dark scowl.
A sophisticated-looking elf with jagged, messy black hair held a thick hard-cover novel. He wore glasses that only managed to heighten his aura of maturity.
“Hey. Princess Cho Kyuhyun-- no I do not give a damn if you are a boy,” Kyuhyun closed his mouth with a glower. “I’ve heard that you’ve run away from home. Not like you’ll get very far, people are looking everywhere for you…the Queen is furious.”
The elf paused, calmly glanced at Kyuhyun with a dark glint in his eyes, and continued. “You need a place to live. We need a housekeeper. Win-win situation I’d say.” The Princess cringed; he would always clean, day in day out, back at the castle, and Kyuhyun was sure that it was by the Queen’s orders that he had received well over a life-times worth of household chores.
A noise of disdain interrupted the Princess’s unpleasant memory. “Now, Kibum, you’re being a bit harsh don’t you think?” It was Eeteuk again; he was really starting to grow on Kyuhyun.
“During the day, we elves go out to the mines. You know, we’re a pretty big part of the diamond industry the Queen is so fond of,” the elf explained happily, “Would you maybe prefer to come mine with us?”
Kyuhyun weighed the effort required to do housework versus the effort required to hack a pick-axe into solid rock hour after hour. “Er…thank you for the offer…but I’m fine with household chores.”
The elves murmured and nodded. “Oh, Princess (Kyuhyun cringed, but didn’t say anything to retaliate) we’re gonna have so much fun!” exclaimed Zhou Mi, snuggling himself into Kyuhyun’s shoulder.
“W-welcome, Princess” stammered Ryeowook, offering a shy smile. This caused a chain reaction-- all most of the elves began welcoming Kyuhyun with grins and pats.
As cheesy as it was, for the first time in his life, Kyuhyun felt wanted.
***
The Princess adjusted to his new life very quickly. Cooking wasn’t much of a problem for him; after watching Hankyung make Beijing Fried Rice for his step-mother a few hundred times, Kyuhyun could make the dish in is sleep.
The elves never complained about the lack of variety in his dishes; Zhou Mi once told him of the horrors Eeteuk would conjure-- despite being the motherly figure, the elf could not boil water, let alone create anything editable.
The only other chore he received other then cooking was cleaning the cabin, which was a piece of cake compared to the castle. Never would he have to scrape caked-on mascara off the floor ever again!
The elves were all warming up to him, even the serious Kibum and grouchy Kangin (the elf took a great interest in Starcraft). It wasn’t long before Kyuhyun was starting to feel happier then he had even been in his cooped-up life dominated by his step-mother.
He didn’t even mind being called ‘Princess’ anymore. As much.
***
The Queen would consult with Boa daily, becoming increasingly irritated. He was shocked. Kyuhyun was smiling with genuine happiness. And he didn’t look dead. His step-daughter was happy-- now he couldn’t have that.
“This has gone much too far!” The Queen exclaimed, “I must reclaim my rightful throne of beauty…
“And continue making the Princess’s life a living hell?” Siwon said beside the Royal Throne, holding a delicate china teapot in one hand and moon cake cut up in perfect 16ths in the other.
“Glad we see eye to eye, Siwon,” the Queen said, holding up her tea cup. “Oh, look at that,” He abruptly stood up and slammed the tea cup down on the closest stable surface; Siwon flinched in pain when the scalding tea met his skin. “Hannie’s back from his trip! I must go greet him.” The Queen whisked out of the room, oblivious to Siwon’s burn.
You see, the huntsman was a nice guy. He was the one who did most his menial physical labour without a thought edgewise, as the foreign manservant stood beside the Queen occasionally nodding and handing him cosmetics.
Siwon was the one who had to spend exhausting hours in the forest hunting for deer-- the Queen’s favourite meat- and return to hand the carcass to Hankyung, who would prepare it. Who would receive the gushing praise? Hankyung. Who would sit by the window nursing his cuts and bruises? Siwon.
Now even the nicest guys had their breaking points. His was when the scalding tea happened to drip right onto the bruised portion of his southerly regions.
As he stormed around the room in newly released fury, Siwon happened to glimpse upon a happy, beautiful Kyuhyun in a certain mirror. Consumed anger gushed through him and fuelled his plan to one-up Hankyung and receive adoration from the Queen to a happily ever after: he would kill the Princess.
***
“Hey Zhou Mi, please get off of my leg,” Kyuhyun said without a trace of malice. It had become a daily thing: upon their return, Zhou Mi would glomp Kyuhyun’s leg, Eeteuk would give him a motherly hug and happily ask about his day, Kangin would immediately walk over to the laptop and check on the Starcraft progress, Henry would babble sleepily at him and fall asleep on the closest comfortable surface, Yesung would show off the new insects that he had collected in the mines, Ryeowook would give him some flowers with a shy smile, and Kibum would ignore him completely and bury his nose in a book.
A guy could really get used to this, thought Kyuhyun as he laughed with the elves and listened attentively to their animated story-telling (with the exception of Kibum who would merely take the occasional glance at the Princess, eyes glittering with triumph).
***
Siwon cackled, and held up a bright red USB-type object to the conveniently placed full moon. It was finally complete!
***
Kyuhyun was getting rather bored of single-player Starcraft. He -almost- longed for the days of high-speed internet connection that was readily available for mooching from neighbouring communities.
He should have known that it was much too good to be true when someone knocked on the door one afternoon.
The Princess initially decided to completely ignore the rapping. Only when it repeated several times did Kyuhyun growl and pause his game, ready to give the person an I-cannot-believe-you-were-stupid-enough-to-not-get-the-friggin-hint glare.
Upon opening the door, Kyuhyun was disappointed and enraged to see that there was no physical being there to accept his wrath. Swearing under his breath, he turned to slam the door when something metallic red glinted in his peripheral vision.
The Princess looked at the doorstep quizzically. It wasn’t every day that you’d find a piece of advanced technology on the doorstep of a cabin in the middle of nowhere. He cautiously picked it up and walked back into the cabin.
Kyuhyun’s heart leapt when he realised that the little red bar held the key to his dreams of multi-player domination.
Not over thinking just how suspicious that what he needed happened to appear on his doorstep, the internet-deprived Princess ran over to the laptop and jabbed the USB into the closest port.
He blinked in anticipation, watching as the screen brightened, flickered, and then flashed multiple screens of red before it turned black to reflect his own shocked expression.
“Oh, fuck no…” He cursed, staring at the blank screen as if expecting it to flicker open in any second. Kyuhyun pressed the ‘On’ button frantically, attempting to revive his prized laptop with no avail.
The Princess glared at the source of the problem: the metallic sheen of the USB seemed to mock him as he gritted his teeth and clasped his hand around it to yank it out--
A white-hot jolt of voltage surged through him, searing pain pulsating through his veins in currents of electricity. Kyuhyun’s vision blurred with specks of pink and white as the lights of the world shimmered and shut.
***
When Siwon ran to the castle, arriving at the Queen’s door gasping for breath, he eagerly reported his fantastic feat.
Queen Heechul’s expression remained blank for a few moments. Hankyung quickly noticed this as the calm before the storm and mumbled an excuse about thunder and tampons, whisking out of the room.
“You…you…” Queen Heechul sputtered, the rise of fury just dawning on his face. “WHY would you do such a thing?!?”
Siwon stepped back, his wide grin of accomplishment slipping off his face faster then Hankyung had left the room. “A-are you not pleased, your majesty? Did you not see him as an obstacle?”
The Queen released a squawk of livid exasperation, “NO you dumbass! I wanted to make his life miserable! DO YOU REALISE HOW MUCH HARDER THAT WILL BE NOW THAT HE’S DEAD?!?”
Needless to say, Hankyung was very glad he possessed such fine instincts when the sound of a screaming Queen, breaking china and shattering glass could be heard a good 70 meters away.
***
Meanwhile, the elves walked home to a horrible shock- the Princess was sprawled on the floor in an unrealistically graceful-- completely unmoving.
Kibum marched over to Kyuhyun’s body and checked his pulse, whipping out a stethoscope from thin air. A pin drop could be heard as the elves clutched to one another, shaking in hope and fear.
Straightening up, Kibum looked at his feet, took off his glasses, and shook his head sombrely. The room was quickly filled with wails of grief, misery, and loud sneezes as they cried over the Princess’s pale, lifeless body.
Zhou Mi flung himself into Kyuhyun’s unmoving chest, sobbing. He stopped and gasped, giving the chest a few pats, “Hey guys…Kyuhyun’s not a girl!”
***
For the day of the Princess’s funeral, all the elves had prepared a beautiful casket of semi-precious stones and the finest of gold. Ryeowook picked dozens upon dozens of flowers to blanket the Princess, who merely looked as if he was asleep.
The 7 elves circled around the casket in grief. Kangin and Kibum did their best to hold up Eeteuk, who was bawling uncontrollably, wailing “my poor baby” every so often.
Yesung and Henry seemed to have forgotten about their typical habits of sneezing and sleeping in their sorrow, whimpering in their attempts to hold back the tears silently dripping down their cheeks.
Zhou Mi was the most devastated of all, still hopefully looking at Kyuhyun at times as if expecting him to sit up and look around for his laptop any second.
Everything was silent. The woodland creatures had even halted their song and hustle. A cool breeze drifted-
“OH MI GOD,” shouted a voice. The elves all looked towards the noise, startled.
They weren’t sure to be angry or amused: over rode a man in bright pink robes on a pink pony. As the man drew closer, the elves noticed a gold crown upon his head (with a rose-quartz embedded in it) and a face even more feminine then the one of Kyuhyun: Prince Sungmin.
The Prince’s glistening onyx hair framed his heart-shaped face perfectly. His large, mocha eyes and cupids-bow lips only enhanced the femininity of his character. Even so, the elves knew of the Prince to be a man because believe it or not, Sungmin has abs.
“Who is this beautiful creature? Lying here like an angel within a peaceful sleep?” The elves snickered, knowing that if Kyuhyun was alive, he would cringe. The Prince took no notice of the elves and continued his passionate speech: “Oh, that cheek were a glove, might I touch it!”
Kibum scoffed, “It’s ‘O, that I were a glove upon that hand-’” The Prince swivelled around in a dramatic fashion, his hot-pink cape fluttering behind him. “Silence! I do what I decide what I am to say!”
The elf was so dumbfounded by the Prince’s grammatical gibberish that he couldn’t respond with a quirky comeback.
“How could such a striking being, the Goddess of divine beauty, be on her death-bed?” Prince Sungmin cooed, placing his fingertips on Kyuhyun’s face- to retract it abruptly.
“Alas! Her beauty is so great, that touching her ivory face shocks me! Oh what…” The elves tuned out the extravagant speech, too busy watching Kyuhyun’s eyelashes flutter delicately-- eyes slowly blinking open in the glare of the sun.
Prince Sungmin glanced at the elves, assuming their delightedly shocked expressions to have rooted from his words; “Ah, you miniscule persons have become entranced with my passion for this Goddess, the depths of my endless love--”
Kyuhyun’s face twisted into a dark scowl, “Hey pretty boy, mind shutting up?” The prince turned around to look at the now alive Princess. “My love! My Goddess! My--
The Princess shut his eyes and opened them brashly, pulling Prince Sungmin in by the collar in a swift, violent motion. “Hey, you, get this through your thick skull: I am NOT a FUCKING GIR--”
He was rudely interrupted when the Prince grasped him by the back of his neck and brought their lips smoothly together. “You interrupted me twice, Princess,” he whispered silkily when the Prince pulled back, “I find it fair to interrupt you at least once.”
Kyuhyun was astonished by the manipulative slyness that glinted momentarily within the Prince’s eyes. He fell in love.
Needless to say, the elves were ecstatic about Kyuhyun’s revival and new-found romance (since in fairy tales, everyone automatically assumes that the Prince and Princess fall in love).
They all celebrated until Prince Sungmin told Kyuhyun of his videogame collection-- which was when the Princess jumped him, kissed him breathless, and demanded to be taken to his castle immediately.
The elves watched the new couple ride walk into the conveniently-placed sunset (Kyuhyun refused to ride a pink pony) and whooped at them until their silhouettes were no longer visible.
“Hey, hyungs,” Henry enquired in the peaceful silence, clutching sleepily onto his blanket, “Who do you think will top?”
…and they all lived happily ever after.
~The End~
A/N: Thanks to imhappi for the awesome prompt!! 8DD <3