xrosepetalsx
For: xrosepetalsx
Title: Holding On and Letting Go
Pairing: KRY, KyuWook, KiHae
Category: Angst
Summary: it’s unbearable to continue living when the one you love dies on you, but is it more painful to be the ‘friend’ to the one you love when what you really want is to be more? they say patience is a virtue but no one ever mentioned that it was going to be painful…
Why is it so dark? Why can’t I breathe? Someone help me… I’m so cold… someone… Yesung! He was already crying, his body was so painful, it was so cold but no one, and not even his beloved Yesung was there to help him. Suddenly, some shadow came close to him, he could feel the warmth as it came close to him. Yesung… Ryeowook whispered.
Ryeowook opened his eyes slowly. His body ached like in the dream. He saw Kyuhyun, his head bandaged, a small patch of gauze on his left cheek and a sad expression on his face.
“I’m sorry Wookie… He didn’t make it.” Kyuhyun softly said, a tear fell from his eye.
Ryeowook looked away from Kyuhyun and let the tears fall. His body ached more, not because the anesthetics had wore off but his Yesung was dead. That was what Kyuhyun meant. His beloved Yesung had died while he survived with an arm and leg broken. He was better off dead himself, he thought.
***
“Kyu, I want you to meet Wookie!” Yesung beamed as he held Ryeowook’s hand tighter.
Kyuhyun thought it was weird for his older brother to be gay, but he adored Yesung and didn’t care about his preferences but when Yesung introduced Ryeowook to him, he felt his heart make a jump which was weirder.
However, after a few months he somehow loathed seeing them lovey-dovey, he got annoyed whenever Yesung shares his feelings and often switch topics, he gets weird dreams about Ryeowook that almost always leaves a mark in bed during the morning and that makes him hate himself. And when they had their first fight and Kyuhyun had to console the devastated Ryeowook that’s when it hit him… he was in love with his brother’s lover.
He hoped countless times that he’d get over with his infatuation with Ryeowook because it was slowly and painfully killing him but the more he sees Ryeowook the deeper he falls. He wished they would just break up for real and Ryeowook would realize that he was the better person for him but he never wanted for that accident to happen. He and Ryeowook lived but Yesung did not survive. He waited at Ryeowook’s bed until he regained consciousness, he didn’t need to recuperate even if that’s what the doctors and nurses advised.
“I’m sorry Wookie… He didn’t make it.” he managed to choke out. A tear fell from his eye, he thought maybe this time Ryeowook would now look at him but just before he woke up, when he suddenly kissed him out of need Ryeowook had called out for Yesung. It hurt him. He wants his brother gone but not this way. With his death it was harder for him to reach Ryeowook now. He hated himself for thinking so selfishly still… he wants Ryeowook to love him more than he loves Yesung.
***
Kyuhyun visits Ryeowook at the hospital whenever he can. They had both been discharged from the hospital but Ryeowook has to undergo rehabilitation but it hadn’t been easy convincing him. He was like a lifeless zombie.
Ryeowook was in the middle of rehab when Kyuhyun came with a box of his favorite cake. They stopped for a break.
“Wookie, why don’t you smile? It’s two months from Christmas and you look like you just come from a funeral.”
“I did. And what’s the use of Christmas without Yesung, we had everything planned out… until…”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way… but hyung won’t be happy to see you this way.”
“Look Kyu, I know you mean well. You’ve already convinced me to get into rehab don’t push your luck if you think you can bring Christmas to me as well.”
“I’ll bring it to you.” Ryeowook was forced to look at Kyuhyun, his voice suddenly changed. “I promised to make Christmas merry for you haven’t I?”
“W-what?”
“I said that hyung would be happy if you’re happy. Why, did I say something else?”
“N-no… I’m going back with the therapy.”
Ryeowook felt a chill run though him. Kyuhyun’s eyes, his voice, his feel… it all felt like Yesung. For a moment, it was as if Yesung was talking to him. He must’ve really missed him, he was hallucinating and it was not the first.
The day after Yesung’s funeral, Ryeowook locked himself in his room, crying. I wish I had died along with him was almost like a mantra until he falls asleep. Kyuhyun regularly came to talk him out of his grief. Bringing him his favorite treats, coaxing him to take therapy, go back to college and play the piano.
“I TOLD YOU TO STOP BOTHERING ME! I WANT TO DIE!” he yelled as he brushed aside the food tray in front of him. Torrents of tears falling, “I want to follow Yesung, my Yesung… he’s gone… what’s the use of living and going out when everything reminds me of how it used to be?”
“Stop acting like a baby!” Kyuhyun snapped. “D’you think you’re the only one who’s had it hard? I’ve lost a brother and I live in a house which we share and do you see me making a hermit out of myself?! Yesung hyung wouldn’t like this…” his voice had gone softer as his hands slowly reached out for Ryeowook’s weak self.
“He wouldn’t want to see you destroy yourself… for hyung’s sake… please, come back to the world Wookie… that would make him happy.”
And he planted a soft kiss on Ryeowook’s forehead and embraced him. Ryeowook cried harder inside Kyuhyun’s embraced but for some odd reason it had felt like hugging Yesung instead, felt like talking with Yesung instead. And that had been the beginning of his hallucinations. He felt guilty for using Kyuhyun but he can’t help it when Kyuhyun acts like his older brother.
***
“Kyuhyun,” Kibum called, poking his shoulder. Kyuhyun lay on top of his desk half awake. “Have you been taking care of your brother’s boyfriend again?” he asked, concerned.
“Ex-boyfriend, Bummie, and yes. I can’t just let him be, not with his current state.” Kyuhyun answered curtly. He saw the hurt in Kibum’s eyes, confused if it was for his sake or Ryeowook’s or his own. Kyuhyun looked away, somehow he felt uneasy. It was Kibum in front of him but at that moment when he looked at him with those eyes it seemed like they were Ryeowook’s.
“I’m sorry. How long will it take for the pain to go away?”
“You don’t have to be sorry for anything. And as for the pain… I don’t really know. Why don’t you ask yourself that?”
“I have Bummie, God knows how many times I’ve asked myself that!”
“And what does God say?”
“Go screw myself.”
Kibum guffawed and realizing that he has gotten attention to himself hastily composed himself. Kyuhyun gazed at his best friend, it had been some time since he last heard Kibum laughed that loud and genuine.
“That’s an interesting answer but remember Kyu, we’ve got this semester’s project. Don’t forget.” And Kibum patted him hard on the back, Kyuhyun thought his lungs would slam to his rib cage but he knew what that meant - Don’t lose strength, I’m here as you were once there for me - Don’t forget.
Watching over Ryeowook, protecting Ryeowook was a difficult task but one Kyuhyun wouldn’t mind doing until his death bed but having your body moving on its own, and literally having a life of its own was another thing. No one would believe him, they’ll just pass it as depression or fatigue but... Yesung has possessed his body and once in a while he takes over while he sits back and watches his older brother uses his body to be with his lover. It pained him and confused him even more. Was his overflowing feelings his very own or something that comes along with Yesung’s spirit? Should he be happy that he gets to embrace Ryeowook or shouldn’t he? If this goes on, at the end of everything would it be him who leaves the body or Yesung? If Ryeowook knew what’s been going on would he wished for Yesung to stay and take over Kyuhyun’s body or scold him for taking advantage of his younger brother’s body?
Kyuhyun shivered as he willed the thoughts away, especially the last one. He forced himself to think about the blue print in front of him. Have to finish the project or else Kibum will have my head he said to himself but as he started to pick the pencil up he couldn’t bring himself to start, his unanswered questions keep nagging at him like unhappy ghosts. He threw aside the things on his desk out of frustration and lay his head on top of it, covering it with his arms.
“Kyu are you okay?” Yesung asked, his transparent self shown against the window.
“I’m alright, just… just swamped that’s all.” He lied as he covered himself deeper, concealing the tears escaping from his eyes.
Please don’t let him know. I hope Yesung hyung can’t read my mind or my heart. But I so wanted to tell him that it hurts… that I want to be Ryeowook’s support… that I want him gone. I’m so shameless!
***
With Kyuhyun’s constant nagging and his physical therapist’s efforts, Ryeowook was able to get back to college and continue his studies. It was hard to get back to his regular piano virtuoso self but he was fairly well. Plus, it gives him enough reason to avoid Kyuhyun. But since when has he been so conscious about the younger man’s presence?
When they first met, he thought he was so adorable that he could just hug him tight and whenever he places himself in between him and Yesung he thought it was the cutest thing a high school kid could do. Ryeowook had seen Kyuhyun practically grow up to a man and wondered why he still hasn’t found himself a partner when girls are voluntarily giving themselves to him.
After the accident, Kyuhyun has always been there and he only saw him as a nuisance. He was frightened at how similar Kyuhyun sometimes acts like Yesung that he couldn’t help but cry at night. However, Ryeowook was thankful that Kyuhyun was there but as the days turned into weeks, seeing Kyuhyun had become surprisingly overwhelming. So much that he has to escape.
“Kyu, maybe it’s better if you concentrate on your studies,” he suggested as Kyuhyun helped him unpacked his things. “I mean, I’m doing great and I know you’ve got things that need finishing. Thank you for all the help.” He finished stretching out a hand.
“Whatever you like.” Kyuhyun answered.
“You know Kyu, do you have a girlfriend? I’ve never seen you bring one.”
“I’ve got lots of girl friends but I’m currently uninterested in being in a relationship.”
Somehow that made Ryeowook relieved.
“Awww… you’re not getting any older so you better hurry.”
He had pushed Kyuhyun out of his life, he was afraid. His heart was beating again, almost just like that for Yesung and it was too early and so wrong… Kyuhyun is Yesung’s brother. Yesung is the one he loves.
Christmas was getting closer, Ryeowook can tell from the first snow he saw outside the studio’s window. He had been practicing for two hours, his hands were still stiff - in a musician’s level - but he was improving. Getting busy and imprisoning himself inside the cold walls of the studio was the only way he could think of to keep himself from thinking about Yesung… and Kyuhyun.
Ryeowook stretched his fingers and positioned them over the ebony and ivory colored keys when he happened to look out the window again. Kyuhyun was outside talking animatedly with a girl, an arm draped over her small frame and their bodies intimately close. His hands wouldn’t move, he couldn’t will them to move, he couldn’t even remember what song he was about to play. All he could think of was the pain and the odd sense of betrayal he felt.
***
He was disappointed but he understood. Ryeowook was pushing him away there’s no point forcing himself to be part of Ryeowook’s life when he knew Yesung still reigned it.
“Have you finally decided to move on?” Kibum asked as he tended Kyuhyun a drink.
“Still thinking on it… mind helping me?” Kyuhyun answered with a grin and a sip of the less tonic cocktail. He had coerced Kibum to take him to his part-time job, he liked watching Kibum bartending it somehow gives him a relaxing feeling. One of Kibum’s eyebrows arched up.
“I suggest you turn around and pick one.”
“Alright, why don’t you follow your advice too?”
“I’m very contented with my current status.”
“That must mean it’s going to be a boring Christmas.”
It was like the gods were finally being good to him. He needed some help with their Literature activities and the smartest girl in the class has volunteered to help him. It wasn’t difficult asking favors, they knew each other way back and although they barely talk with each other in college it was just like being in high school. They were making casual jokes and even draping an arm around her seemed natural. It was wrong using her but he does have feelings for her. Maybe she was his answer to his prayers.
He caught her staring at the poster from the Music Department.
“You like Musicals?” she nodded.
“But it’s difficult to get tickets now… most of them are probably ‘balcony’ seats.”
He heard the disappointment in her voice. “I think I can whip us some and they’re front row seats so wanna come with?”
“Really? I owe you big time for this Kyuhyun!” she beamed.
Ryeowook would surely be there but there’s no point evading him, I have to get over him and now’s a good time to start. Thank goodness, Yesung hyung must have gotten the tickets when he took over my body. Kyuhyun thought.
***
All he wanted to do on Christmas was locked himself up in his apartment but his professor has told him that he was to be a part of their annual musical, a sort of welcoming towards him, congratulating him on his recovery. It was bearable if not for the fact that Kyuhyun would be there with his date.
He didn’t know how he got near them but he heard them talking about the musical and their plan on watching it, he was just grateful that he left before they notice him. He knew he had no right to be disappointed at Kyuhyun when it was him who pushed him away. However, as the day of the opening show came close, as Christmas came close he felt lonelier than before.
He wanted to celebrate with Kyuhyun so much that he cried himself to sleep. He felt he was betraying Yesung for desiring Kyuhyun and that made the ache grew and the loneliness deep.
***
“Is it alright if I take these tickets for my date instead?” Kyuhyun asked the ceiling as he lay on his bed. Yesung was sitting at his bedside, translucent and light-weight.
“Sure no prob. I was worried if you’ll ever get hooked.”
Silence.
“Hyung, you haven’t been taking over as many times as before.”
“I’m getting weaker… I think my time’s up.” Kyuhyun jolted up and faced the solemn appearance of his older brother. That shocked him. His brother was finally crossing over just like what he wished for but it saddened him. “Ryeowook doesn’t need me anymore… with that I’m contented. I can finally rest in peace, as they say.”
Kyuhyun started to tear up. If only he could hug his brother one last time and tell him how much he’ll miss him, how much he loves him and how sorry he is for coveting on Ryeowook.
***
A man wearing all black - from his rugged trousers, Chuck Taylor, jacket and even the headphone over his ears, except for his plain white shirt was rudely pulled by the sleeve and just when he was getting in the mood.
“Wha-oh Yesung, aren’t you few days early?” he greeted with a grin.
“I think I’ve done enough. I can leave now.”
“Are you sure, shouldn’t you sound… happier?”
“I am it’s just… I’m going to miss them but I think my staying is making it harder for them instead of easier.”
The dark-themed dress code guy looked at Yesung, studying him. Since the beginning, he was the odd ball in his profession. He knew those in higher power had made a mistake. Of course, it was fun at the beginning. He has always found the real world interesting especially the thing they called ‘music’, it enchanted him.
What the hell… this is my last job anyway. He mused. He snapped his fingers and a small hour-glass popped out of thin air. “Twenty-four hours. You’ve got twenty-four more hours to really straighten things out.”
Yesung stared at him with awe, “You’re different from the death gods I’ve seen. I know I shouldn’t complain and I’m really thankful but… Why are you doing this?”
“Yup, I’m the weird one but it’s for the reason that you are going to be my last client. I guess I did a pretty grave error still… I’m lucky they’re not going to incinerate me.”
Yesung couldn’t believe this death god, he was going to be banished and yet he could still put up a smile. He’s going to miss this guy too.
***
The Christmas musical was a great success and a pretty good come back stage for Ryeowook. Kyuhyun thought he was starting to get over his feelings for him but he found himself falling for the older man more.
He and his date went backstage. He wasn’t sure if it was out of obligation or want to see Ryeowook that he personally came over to congratulate him. He wished to stay but he couldn’t just abandon his date and thus with a wistful smile he waved goodbye to Ryeowook.
Kyuhyun sent his date home but made a detour towards the bar Kibum works part-time. Kibum tended him a glass of mild vodka after another, knowing that Kyuhyun was planning of getting drunk.
“You’re date turned out to be horrible?”
“No… it was cool…” the alcohol was taking its toll on him.
“You know Kyu, alcohol won’t really flush away feelings permanently.”
“If I become unconscious I’ll hold you liable for my life.” Kyuhyun said threateningly and knocked out. Kibum shook his head with a sigh.
***
Ryeowook never felt so energized until he performed on stage. He just realized how much he missed the spotlight and playing for an audience. It was all going dandy when Kyuhyun materialize backstage. It would’ve added to his happiness if it weren’t for the fact that he was there with a date. He greeted them cordially but he found it hard to take his eyes off the hands that kept on clinging onto Kyuhyun. He hated those hands.
Kyuhyun was kind enough to invite him but he knew he would just be bothering them and hurting himself. And when he watched their retreating form, he realized he loves Kyuhyun more than before. He wasn’t the annoyingly cute little brother, rather, he became a dependable man and he had just let him go.
The rest of the crew went out to celebrate; Ryeowook just lost his mood for anything merry. He stayed behind, idly stroking keys when the door was pushed open and Kyuhyun came in running, panting, sweating and reeking of alcohol.
“Wookie…” Kyuhyun panted, leaning against the foot of the stage. Ryeowook moved closer and when he was close enough, Kyuhyun reached for him and grabbed his wrist pulling him down for a quick kiss that hinted the years of yearning for him.
“I don’t care anymore. I love you! I’ve always been in love with you.” Kyuhyun admitted, gazing warmly at Ryeowook. Ryeowook stared at him in disbelief.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Kyuhyun loves him. He feels the same way he does.
“You said… that Yesung would want to see me happy,” Ryeowook stated, his voice soft and broken and his head bowed down, avoiding Kyuhyun’s eyes. Tears were pouring down.
“Yes.”
“I just realize that I’m happy with you but I’m afraid I’m betraying him, so I pushed you away. But when I saw you with someone else I was more afraid. I really hope Yesung wouldn’t mind ‘cause I don’t want to lose someone important again, I don’t like the bitter feeling of loneliness again!”
He wanted to throw himself into Kyuhyun’s arms but something kept him from doing so. Suddenly, as if invisible hands were pushing him, he fell towards Kyuhyun and found himself in his warm embrace.
***
It was like being doused with cold water, Yesung had came into his dream, scolding him then forcing him to admit his feelings for Ryeowook and then giving them his blessings. In his dream Yesung yelled at his ear so loudly that he woke up. He dashed out of the bar like he a man who hasn’t drank. He didn’t know why but he knew where to find Ryeowook and when he reached the theater, tired and out of breath, indeed he found him on stage, by the piano.
There was no turning back this was his only chance. He had confessed and not only that, he kissed him for the second time but the first time while Ryeowook’s awake. When Ryeowook just stared at him, he thought he was going to be badly rejected but… Ryeowook cried as he smiled.
He thought Yesung had left but he saw the hands that pushed Ryeowook towards him and Kyuhyun made a mental ‘thank you’.
“Kyu, kiss me like before,” Ryeowook whispered against his ear. “At the hospital, it was you wasn’t it?” there was a faint blush rising from Ryeowook’s cheeks and Kyuhyun could feel his cheeks burning after being found out but he inched his face, his lips closer.
“I’ll kiss you how many times you want, because those kisses and this person belong to only you.”
“Don’t leave me.”
“I had never and will never do that.”
Kyuhyun let out all the longing he has on that one, single kiss and he was surprised at how much Ryeowook was kissing him back.
***
The tiny bell attached to the door rang, announcing the arrival of a customer.
“I’m sorry but we’re cl…” Kibum stopped midway when he saw the sight of a familiar face, smiling apologetically at him. “What brings you here?”
The person moved towards a stool then twirled it round and round. “I just finished my last job. I’m human now.”
“So?”
“So I’m snatching you away, you’re already closing anyway.” He didn’t wait for Kibum’s reply, he leaned on the bar and grabbed Kibum’s head a smothered him with a long, lingering kiss.
Kibum staggered back, he almost forgot how strong Donghae can be, human or no human but when he opened his eyes he was already inside his room, in his apartment. He pushed Donghae at arm’s length and glared at him.
“I thought you said you were human now? No human can teleport.”
“I am human. It just so happens I haven’t been stripped off with all of my death god powers. Aren’t you happy to see me?”
“No.” Kibum answered coldly, looking away from those mischievous eyes. When he felt the ends of his hair at his nape stand he knew Donghae was thinking something naughty again.
“Well, I missed you… I missed your lips,” and Donghae softly, teasingly kissed him on the lips while his hands stroked him at his erogenous zones playfully.
“Your smell… your voice… your heat…” he whispered huskily as he trailed butterfly kisses down Kibum’s neck, sucking on his collarbone. “Admit it, you know how annoying it is to be left hanging.” He said with a chuckle.
Kibum blushed furiously as Donghae’s hand took him down there. He was embarrassed at how easily aroused he was. The truth was, hearing Donghae’s voice was already melting his knees, and even though he was strong himself he couldn’t really push Donghae away and watching Donghae smiling down at him ignited the flame that only burned for him.
“Fine! I missed you, I missed you so much that when I saw you enter the bar I was almost threatened to tears if not to pounce on you!?!”
Donghae laughed and continued feasting on Kibum, something he has been eager to do.
THE END.
Title: Holding On and Letting Go
Pairing: KRY, KyuWook, KiHae
Category: Angst
Summary: it’s unbearable to continue living when the one you love dies on you, but is it more painful to be the ‘friend’ to the one you love when what you really want is to be more? they say patience is a virtue but no one ever mentioned that it was going to be painful…
Why is it so dark? Why can’t I breathe? Someone help me… I’m so cold… someone… Yesung! He was already crying, his body was so painful, it was so cold but no one, and not even his beloved Yesung was there to help him. Suddenly, some shadow came close to him, he could feel the warmth as it came close to him. Yesung… Ryeowook whispered.
Ryeowook opened his eyes slowly. His body ached like in the dream. He saw Kyuhyun, his head bandaged, a small patch of gauze on his left cheek and a sad expression on his face.
“I’m sorry Wookie… He didn’t make it.” Kyuhyun softly said, a tear fell from his eye.
Ryeowook looked away from Kyuhyun and let the tears fall. His body ached more, not because the anesthetics had wore off but his Yesung was dead. That was what Kyuhyun meant. His beloved Yesung had died while he survived with an arm and leg broken. He was better off dead himself, he thought.
***
“Kyu, I want you to meet Wookie!” Yesung beamed as he held Ryeowook’s hand tighter.
Kyuhyun thought it was weird for his older brother to be gay, but he adored Yesung and didn’t care about his preferences but when Yesung introduced Ryeowook to him, he felt his heart make a jump which was weirder.
However, after a few months he somehow loathed seeing them lovey-dovey, he got annoyed whenever Yesung shares his feelings and often switch topics, he gets weird dreams about Ryeowook that almost always leaves a mark in bed during the morning and that makes him hate himself. And when they had their first fight and Kyuhyun had to console the devastated Ryeowook that’s when it hit him… he was in love with his brother’s lover.
He hoped countless times that he’d get over with his infatuation with Ryeowook because it was slowly and painfully killing him but the more he sees Ryeowook the deeper he falls. He wished they would just break up for real and Ryeowook would realize that he was the better person for him but he never wanted for that accident to happen. He and Ryeowook lived but Yesung did not survive. He waited at Ryeowook’s bed until he regained consciousness, he didn’t need to recuperate even if that’s what the doctors and nurses advised.
“I’m sorry Wookie… He didn’t make it.” he managed to choke out. A tear fell from his eye, he thought maybe this time Ryeowook would now look at him but just before he woke up, when he suddenly kissed him out of need Ryeowook had called out for Yesung. It hurt him. He wants his brother gone but not this way. With his death it was harder for him to reach Ryeowook now. He hated himself for thinking so selfishly still… he wants Ryeowook to love him more than he loves Yesung.
***
Kyuhyun visits Ryeowook at the hospital whenever he can. They had both been discharged from the hospital but Ryeowook has to undergo rehabilitation but it hadn’t been easy convincing him. He was like a lifeless zombie.
Ryeowook was in the middle of rehab when Kyuhyun came with a box of his favorite cake. They stopped for a break.
“Wookie, why don’t you smile? It’s two months from Christmas and you look like you just come from a funeral.”
“I did. And what’s the use of Christmas without Yesung, we had everything planned out… until…”
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean it that way… but hyung won’t be happy to see you this way.”
“Look Kyu, I know you mean well. You’ve already convinced me to get into rehab don’t push your luck if you think you can bring Christmas to me as well.”
“I’ll bring it to you.” Ryeowook was forced to look at Kyuhyun, his voice suddenly changed. “I promised to make Christmas merry for you haven’t I?”
“W-what?”
“I said that hyung would be happy if you’re happy. Why, did I say something else?”
“N-no… I’m going back with the therapy.”
Ryeowook felt a chill run though him. Kyuhyun’s eyes, his voice, his feel… it all felt like Yesung. For a moment, it was as if Yesung was talking to him. He must’ve really missed him, he was hallucinating and it was not the first.
The day after Yesung’s funeral, Ryeowook locked himself in his room, crying. I wish I had died along with him was almost like a mantra until he falls asleep. Kyuhyun regularly came to talk him out of his grief. Bringing him his favorite treats, coaxing him to take therapy, go back to college and play the piano.
“I TOLD YOU TO STOP BOTHERING ME! I WANT TO DIE!” he yelled as he brushed aside the food tray in front of him. Torrents of tears falling, “I want to follow Yesung, my Yesung… he’s gone… what’s the use of living and going out when everything reminds me of how it used to be?”
“Stop acting like a baby!” Kyuhyun snapped. “D’you think you’re the only one who’s had it hard? I’ve lost a brother and I live in a house which we share and do you see me making a hermit out of myself?! Yesung hyung wouldn’t like this…” his voice had gone softer as his hands slowly reached out for Ryeowook’s weak self.
“He wouldn’t want to see you destroy yourself… for hyung’s sake… please, come back to the world Wookie… that would make him happy.”
And he planted a soft kiss on Ryeowook’s forehead and embraced him. Ryeowook cried harder inside Kyuhyun’s embraced but for some odd reason it had felt like hugging Yesung instead, felt like talking with Yesung instead. And that had been the beginning of his hallucinations. He felt guilty for using Kyuhyun but he can’t help it when Kyuhyun acts like his older brother.
***
“Kyuhyun,” Kibum called, poking his shoulder. Kyuhyun lay on top of his desk half awake. “Have you been taking care of your brother’s boyfriend again?” he asked, concerned.
“Ex-boyfriend, Bummie, and yes. I can’t just let him be, not with his current state.” Kyuhyun answered curtly. He saw the hurt in Kibum’s eyes, confused if it was for his sake or Ryeowook’s or his own. Kyuhyun looked away, somehow he felt uneasy. It was Kibum in front of him but at that moment when he looked at him with those eyes it seemed like they were Ryeowook’s.
“I’m sorry. How long will it take for the pain to go away?”
“You don’t have to be sorry for anything. And as for the pain… I don’t really know. Why don’t you ask yourself that?”
“I have Bummie, God knows how many times I’ve asked myself that!”
“And what does God say?”
“Go screw myself.”
Kibum guffawed and realizing that he has gotten attention to himself hastily composed himself. Kyuhyun gazed at his best friend, it had been some time since he last heard Kibum laughed that loud and genuine.
“That’s an interesting answer but remember Kyu, we’ve got this semester’s project. Don’t forget.” And Kibum patted him hard on the back, Kyuhyun thought his lungs would slam to his rib cage but he knew what that meant - Don’t lose strength, I’m here as you were once there for me - Don’t forget.
Watching over Ryeowook, protecting Ryeowook was a difficult task but one Kyuhyun wouldn’t mind doing until his death bed but having your body moving on its own, and literally having a life of its own was another thing. No one would believe him, they’ll just pass it as depression or fatigue but... Yesung has possessed his body and once in a while he takes over while he sits back and watches his older brother uses his body to be with his lover. It pained him and confused him even more. Was his overflowing feelings his very own or something that comes along with Yesung’s spirit? Should he be happy that he gets to embrace Ryeowook or shouldn’t he? If this goes on, at the end of everything would it be him who leaves the body or Yesung? If Ryeowook knew what’s been going on would he wished for Yesung to stay and take over Kyuhyun’s body or scold him for taking advantage of his younger brother’s body?
Kyuhyun shivered as he willed the thoughts away, especially the last one. He forced himself to think about the blue print in front of him. Have to finish the project or else Kibum will have my head he said to himself but as he started to pick the pencil up he couldn’t bring himself to start, his unanswered questions keep nagging at him like unhappy ghosts. He threw aside the things on his desk out of frustration and lay his head on top of it, covering it with his arms.
“Kyu are you okay?” Yesung asked, his transparent self shown against the window.
“I’m alright, just… just swamped that’s all.” He lied as he covered himself deeper, concealing the tears escaping from his eyes.
Please don’t let him know. I hope Yesung hyung can’t read my mind or my heart. But I so wanted to tell him that it hurts… that I want to be Ryeowook’s support… that I want him gone. I’m so shameless!
***
With Kyuhyun’s constant nagging and his physical therapist’s efforts, Ryeowook was able to get back to college and continue his studies. It was hard to get back to his regular piano virtuoso self but he was fairly well. Plus, it gives him enough reason to avoid Kyuhyun. But since when has he been so conscious about the younger man’s presence?
When they first met, he thought he was so adorable that he could just hug him tight and whenever he places himself in between him and Yesung he thought it was the cutest thing a high school kid could do. Ryeowook had seen Kyuhyun practically grow up to a man and wondered why he still hasn’t found himself a partner when girls are voluntarily giving themselves to him.
After the accident, Kyuhyun has always been there and he only saw him as a nuisance. He was frightened at how similar Kyuhyun sometimes acts like Yesung that he couldn’t help but cry at night. However, Ryeowook was thankful that Kyuhyun was there but as the days turned into weeks, seeing Kyuhyun had become surprisingly overwhelming. So much that he has to escape.
“Kyu, maybe it’s better if you concentrate on your studies,” he suggested as Kyuhyun helped him unpacked his things. “I mean, I’m doing great and I know you’ve got things that need finishing. Thank you for all the help.” He finished stretching out a hand.
“Whatever you like.” Kyuhyun answered.
“You know Kyu, do you have a girlfriend? I’ve never seen you bring one.”
“I’ve got lots of girl friends but I’m currently uninterested in being in a relationship.”
Somehow that made Ryeowook relieved.
“Awww… you’re not getting any older so you better hurry.”
He had pushed Kyuhyun out of his life, he was afraid. His heart was beating again, almost just like that for Yesung and it was too early and so wrong… Kyuhyun is Yesung’s brother. Yesung is the one he loves.
Christmas was getting closer, Ryeowook can tell from the first snow he saw outside the studio’s window. He had been practicing for two hours, his hands were still stiff - in a musician’s level - but he was improving. Getting busy and imprisoning himself inside the cold walls of the studio was the only way he could think of to keep himself from thinking about Yesung… and Kyuhyun.
Ryeowook stretched his fingers and positioned them over the ebony and ivory colored keys when he happened to look out the window again. Kyuhyun was outside talking animatedly with a girl, an arm draped over her small frame and their bodies intimately close. His hands wouldn’t move, he couldn’t will them to move, he couldn’t even remember what song he was about to play. All he could think of was the pain and the odd sense of betrayal he felt.
***
He was disappointed but he understood. Ryeowook was pushing him away there’s no point forcing himself to be part of Ryeowook’s life when he knew Yesung still reigned it.
“Have you finally decided to move on?” Kibum asked as he tended Kyuhyun a drink.
“Still thinking on it… mind helping me?” Kyuhyun answered with a grin and a sip of the less tonic cocktail. He had coerced Kibum to take him to his part-time job, he liked watching Kibum bartending it somehow gives him a relaxing feeling. One of Kibum’s eyebrows arched up.
“I suggest you turn around and pick one.”
“Alright, why don’t you follow your advice too?”
“I’m very contented with my current status.”
“That must mean it’s going to be a boring Christmas.”
It was like the gods were finally being good to him. He needed some help with their Literature activities and the smartest girl in the class has volunteered to help him. It wasn’t difficult asking favors, they knew each other way back and although they barely talk with each other in college it was just like being in high school. They were making casual jokes and even draping an arm around her seemed natural. It was wrong using her but he does have feelings for her. Maybe she was his answer to his prayers.
He caught her staring at the poster from the Music Department.
“You like Musicals?” she nodded.
“But it’s difficult to get tickets now… most of them are probably ‘balcony’ seats.”
He heard the disappointment in her voice. “I think I can whip us some and they’re front row seats so wanna come with?”
“Really? I owe you big time for this Kyuhyun!” she beamed.
Ryeowook would surely be there but there’s no point evading him, I have to get over him and now’s a good time to start. Thank goodness, Yesung hyung must have gotten the tickets when he took over my body. Kyuhyun thought.
***
All he wanted to do on Christmas was locked himself up in his apartment but his professor has told him that he was to be a part of their annual musical, a sort of welcoming towards him, congratulating him on his recovery. It was bearable if not for the fact that Kyuhyun would be there with his date.
He didn’t know how he got near them but he heard them talking about the musical and their plan on watching it, he was just grateful that he left before they notice him. He knew he had no right to be disappointed at Kyuhyun when it was him who pushed him away. However, as the day of the opening show came close, as Christmas came close he felt lonelier than before.
He wanted to celebrate with Kyuhyun so much that he cried himself to sleep. He felt he was betraying Yesung for desiring Kyuhyun and that made the ache grew and the loneliness deep.
***
“Is it alright if I take these tickets for my date instead?” Kyuhyun asked the ceiling as he lay on his bed. Yesung was sitting at his bedside, translucent and light-weight.
“Sure no prob. I was worried if you’ll ever get hooked.”
Silence.
“Hyung, you haven’t been taking over as many times as before.”
“I’m getting weaker… I think my time’s up.” Kyuhyun jolted up and faced the solemn appearance of his older brother. That shocked him. His brother was finally crossing over just like what he wished for but it saddened him. “Ryeowook doesn’t need me anymore… with that I’m contented. I can finally rest in peace, as they say.”
Kyuhyun started to tear up. If only he could hug his brother one last time and tell him how much he’ll miss him, how much he loves him and how sorry he is for coveting on Ryeowook.
***
A man wearing all black - from his rugged trousers, Chuck Taylor, jacket and even the headphone over his ears, except for his plain white shirt was rudely pulled by the sleeve and just when he was getting in the mood.
“Wha-oh Yesung, aren’t you few days early?” he greeted with a grin.
“I think I’ve done enough. I can leave now.”
“Are you sure, shouldn’t you sound… happier?”
“I am it’s just… I’m going to miss them but I think my staying is making it harder for them instead of easier.”
The dark-themed dress code guy looked at Yesung, studying him. Since the beginning, he was the odd ball in his profession. He knew those in higher power had made a mistake. Of course, it was fun at the beginning. He has always found the real world interesting especially the thing they called ‘music’, it enchanted him.
What the hell… this is my last job anyway. He mused. He snapped his fingers and a small hour-glass popped out of thin air. “Twenty-four hours. You’ve got twenty-four more hours to really straighten things out.”
Yesung stared at him with awe, “You’re different from the death gods I’ve seen. I know I shouldn’t complain and I’m really thankful but… Why are you doing this?”
“Yup, I’m the weird one but it’s for the reason that you are going to be my last client. I guess I did a pretty grave error still… I’m lucky they’re not going to incinerate me.”
Yesung couldn’t believe this death god, he was going to be banished and yet he could still put up a smile. He’s going to miss this guy too.
***
The Christmas musical was a great success and a pretty good come back stage for Ryeowook. Kyuhyun thought he was starting to get over his feelings for him but he found himself falling for the older man more.
He and his date went backstage. He wasn’t sure if it was out of obligation or want to see Ryeowook that he personally came over to congratulate him. He wished to stay but he couldn’t just abandon his date and thus with a wistful smile he waved goodbye to Ryeowook.
Kyuhyun sent his date home but made a detour towards the bar Kibum works part-time. Kibum tended him a glass of mild vodka after another, knowing that Kyuhyun was planning of getting drunk.
“You’re date turned out to be horrible?”
“No… it was cool…” the alcohol was taking its toll on him.
“You know Kyu, alcohol won’t really flush away feelings permanently.”
“If I become unconscious I’ll hold you liable for my life.” Kyuhyun said threateningly and knocked out. Kibum shook his head with a sigh.
***
Ryeowook never felt so energized until he performed on stage. He just realized how much he missed the spotlight and playing for an audience. It was all going dandy when Kyuhyun materialize backstage. It would’ve added to his happiness if it weren’t for the fact that he was there with a date. He greeted them cordially but he found it hard to take his eyes off the hands that kept on clinging onto Kyuhyun. He hated those hands.
Kyuhyun was kind enough to invite him but he knew he would just be bothering them and hurting himself. And when he watched their retreating form, he realized he loves Kyuhyun more than before. He wasn’t the annoyingly cute little brother, rather, he became a dependable man and he had just let him go.
The rest of the crew went out to celebrate; Ryeowook just lost his mood for anything merry. He stayed behind, idly stroking keys when the door was pushed open and Kyuhyun came in running, panting, sweating and reeking of alcohol.
“Wookie…” Kyuhyun panted, leaning against the foot of the stage. Ryeowook moved closer and when he was close enough, Kyuhyun reached for him and grabbed his wrist pulling him down for a quick kiss that hinted the years of yearning for him.
“I don’t care anymore. I love you! I’ve always been in love with you.” Kyuhyun admitted, gazing warmly at Ryeowook. Ryeowook stared at him in disbelief.
He couldn’t believe what he was hearing. Kyuhyun loves him. He feels the same way he does.
“You said… that Yesung would want to see me happy,” Ryeowook stated, his voice soft and broken and his head bowed down, avoiding Kyuhyun’s eyes. Tears were pouring down.
“Yes.”
“I just realize that I’m happy with you but I’m afraid I’m betraying him, so I pushed you away. But when I saw you with someone else I was more afraid. I really hope Yesung wouldn’t mind ‘cause I don’t want to lose someone important again, I don’t like the bitter feeling of loneliness again!”
He wanted to throw himself into Kyuhyun’s arms but something kept him from doing so. Suddenly, as if invisible hands were pushing him, he fell towards Kyuhyun and found himself in his warm embrace.
***
It was like being doused with cold water, Yesung had came into his dream, scolding him then forcing him to admit his feelings for Ryeowook and then giving them his blessings. In his dream Yesung yelled at his ear so loudly that he woke up. He dashed out of the bar like he a man who hasn’t drank. He didn’t know why but he knew where to find Ryeowook and when he reached the theater, tired and out of breath, indeed he found him on stage, by the piano.
There was no turning back this was his only chance. He had confessed and not only that, he kissed him for the second time but the first time while Ryeowook’s awake. When Ryeowook just stared at him, he thought he was going to be badly rejected but… Ryeowook cried as he smiled.
He thought Yesung had left but he saw the hands that pushed Ryeowook towards him and Kyuhyun made a mental ‘thank you’.
“Kyu, kiss me like before,” Ryeowook whispered against his ear. “At the hospital, it was you wasn’t it?” there was a faint blush rising from Ryeowook’s cheeks and Kyuhyun could feel his cheeks burning after being found out but he inched his face, his lips closer.
“I’ll kiss you how many times you want, because those kisses and this person belong to only you.”
“Don’t leave me.”
“I had never and will never do that.”
Kyuhyun let out all the longing he has on that one, single kiss and he was surprised at how much Ryeowook was kissing him back.
***
The tiny bell attached to the door rang, announcing the arrival of a customer.
“I’m sorry but we’re cl…” Kibum stopped midway when he saw the sight of a familiar face, smiling apologetically at him. “What brings you here?”
The person moved towards a stool then twirled it round and round. “I just finished my last job. I’m human now.”
“So?”
“So I’m snatching you away, you’re already closing anyway.” He didn’t wait for Kibum’s reply, he leaned on the bar and grabbed Kibum’s head a smothered him with a long, lingering kiss.
Kibum staggered back, he almost forgot how strong Donghae can be, human or no human but when he opened his eyes he was already inside his room, in his apartment. He pushed Donghae at arm’s length and glared at him.
“I thought you said you were human now? No human can teleport.”
“I am human. It just so happens I haven’t been stripped off with all of my death god powers. Aren’t you happy to see me?”
“No.” Kibum answered coldly, looking away from those mischievous eyes. When he felt the ends of his hair at his nape stand he knew Donghae was thinking something naughty again.
“Well, I missed you… I missed your lips,” and Donghae softly, teasingly kissed him on the lips while his hands stroked him at his erogenous zones playfully.
“Your smell… your voice… your heat…” he whispered huskily as he trailed butterfly kisses down Kibum’s neck, sucking on his collarbone. “Admit it, you know how annoying it is to be left hanging.” He said with a chuckle.
Kibum blushed furiously as Donghae’s hand took him down there. He was embarrassed at how easily aroused he was. The truth was, hearing Donghae’s voice was already melting his knees, and even though he was strong himself he couldn’t really push Donghae away and watching Donghae smiling down at him ignited the flame that only burned for him.
“Fine! I missed you, I missed you so much that when I saw you enter the bar I was almost threatened to tears if not to pounce on you!?!”
Donghae laughed and continued feasting on Kibum, something he has been eager to do.
THE END.