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[miraculousdream]

So, I'm once again in need of some relationship advice. Maybe some of you out there have had similar experiences and can let me in on some secrets of what happens to a relationship after the initial passion starts to fade and day to day life takes over

Comments

[preserver3]

Repeat after me:
"I am very high maintenance, but I also know how to cope with reality"

Heather,
I've known you a short while, and barely even seen you most of the 4 years since I met you. Like many of your friends, I am blunt, often caustic, and rarely understanding of your more mercurial side.
But I think I've read just enough to know the following truths and how you can adapt to them:

1. You are high maintenance and can sometimes wear your beaus out. It's okay, your beaus actually seem to like it, and as such seem to care a lot for you. Some guys are high maintenance themselves, and you seem to be one of those rare spinning tops, which often give as much as you ask for.
The Fix: Rationalize, Rationalize, Rationalize

[miraculousdream]

1. That post-it note book thing is a really great idea! It allows us to both have our freedom and be non-smothering, but still see an end result of love and romance.

2. I'm definitely trying to grow up more. Sometimes it really is just difficult for me to see the world a certain way. But I am trying and trying, because I do love him very much and I want us to be happy. I want to be better for him and better for myself.

3. Good point. >_<; My mood swings are pretty tame right now, but a few weeks ago I was happy, sad, happy, sad, depressed, happy! -.-;

[thegreyghost]

Yeah, pretty much what preserver3 said... It's normal. For one or both persons in a couple to continue to be clingy after almost a year is more of an unhealthy sign than if you see a drop.

For Ashley and I, it's been three years now and as far as I'm conserned, the courting will never end. But I also don't want to cross the line of smothering her. Heh, instead, I just spoil her. :p

[miraculousdream]

What do you consider the difference between "courting" and the initial burst of passion?

[thegreyghost]

Well, when I think of "initial burst of passion", I think of the emotions I feel when you first start falling in love. But once you're in love, it goes from that burst into a steady-burning flame. At least, ideally

[sultaness]

Ghosty just may be one of the most insightful men I've ever "met".

If I became dependent on Ashley constantly validating me with affection, then I'm not really my own person...I'm just some extension of someone else. And to be the one on the other side, having to constantly give someone that validation, it becomes more of a job than an expression of what's in your heart. If I just keep telling my lover sweet somethings all the time just to keep them happy and secure, then I'm not really being sincere, am I?

I think that pretty much sums up a lot of what I was trying to say with my post, and he did it in a lot less space than I did.

*hugs*

[paperrabbit]

"Now before you all get the wrong idea: Kieran and I are still very much in love. Kieran is an extremely wonderful and thoughtful boyfriend. He tries his hardest to spend time with me, despite his busy schedule. He's always sweet and kind when I'm upset, and he comes over when I'm sick. He makes me dinner. More often than not, he goes out of his way to make my life easier, even though his life is very busy and stressful. He has a lot of work to do; his car has been broken down for months; he doesn't have time to get a job so he has no money. Still, he does his best and usually shows me great affection and love. He gives me his coat when it's cold; he tells me when he appreciates things I do. As far as boyfriends go, he's definitely wonderful, understanding, and supportive

[miraculousdream]

<>

You're right. That's beautiful, and as I said to Sultaness, I've been so busy worrying about the lack of passion that I hadn't noticed the increase of love.

I knew asking all you people who've been in serious long-term relationships would help me understand better. Thanks for your input. :)

[sultaness]

I think Preserver had some good ideas

Part 2

[sultaness]

I don't mean that to be an insult. It's just that you need to realize that, just like the people who are in them, relationships need to mature and grow in order to stay viable. Relationships go through stages just like people do. Your relationship has moved from it's infancy into it's adolescence...and you are still judging it by the infancy standards.

What you need is not a change in the relationship, it's a change in your standards, in how you judge what is "healthy" at this stage of the relationship.

He's always sweet and kind when I'm upset, and he comes over when I'm sick. He makes me dinner. More often than not, he goes out of his way to make my life easier, even though his life is very busy and stressful. He has a lot of work to do; his car has been broken down for months; he doesn't have time to get a job so he has no money. Still, he does his best and usually shows me great affection and love. He gives me his coat when it's cold; he tells me when he appreciates things I do. As far as boyfriends go, he's definitely

And in closing...

[sultaness]

*hugs* He loves you, Heather, and you seem to know it, you seem to be able to see it, even if you are somewhat saddened by not being able to keep the showy, flowery stage. It IS normal to miss that stage, but mature relationships have SO much to offer. Real love is more than just the stage show, sweetie. It's the quiet moments alone between the storms of life. It's the moments you manage to steal even though the schedules are hectic. It's the coat giving, and more than that, it's the knowing what the coat giving represents, that he cares for your comfort and well being

Re: And in closing...

[miraculousdream]

Um... I don't know what to say except "Wow." Reading this brought tears to my eyes. It helped me understand so much about why passion seems to fade and what real passion is

[physco_lurve]

Hey it's Danielle and I read this. I know how it is on both sides. But one thing I learned with the only two guy's i have ever loved is that it's not that the love slowly fades away, it's that the feeling of infatuation goes away and turns into love, which makes us girl's feel insecure and that maybe just maybe the love is gone. I love a guy right now who i have known for about a year and a half and he loves me too but we cannot be together because his mom thought he was cheating on me and forced him to break up with me then and there with her there. but when we went out he used to text me every morning before school saying i love you but then, we didn't talk as often and i didn't get sweet text messages from him anymore but i knew he still loved me. and i know that Kieran loves you. So don't worry, even though it's not the same as it was before he will always be there for you and love you unconditionally.

Danielle

(i hoped that helped)

[miraculousdream]

You say that it's just the feeling of infatuation that goes away and turns into love... that's a good point. Love doesn't change just because outside situations and shows of passion change. :)

(Thank you. It did.)