Who knows
It’s been a long time since I’ve written a LJ entry that was more personal than fiction or fun. Since I’ve been working (and a lot at that) I’ve not had a lot of time to be completely heartbroken. I still feel it deep inside, I find myself thinking about…let’s call him Toby, just to be safe. Despite the way things had been with Toby I can’t help how I felt/feel about that moron. I shouldn’t feel anything now; it should just be done, right? I’ve never been this stuck on one person for this long and I want to hate him so much. So so much! But I find that even when I’ve tried to come up with all the rotten things he’s done or the way things had been at times, it doesn’t measure up to my overwhelming love for him. It’s almost consuming and even after all this time he still takes up a room in my heart and my mind. How do you move on?
It’s in these moments when I’m off work and not keeping my hands or my mind busy that bring him to the forefront. Make him present. I have the urge to send him a text, to say hello and try to be normal and casual and strong, to try to be friends still. But then I feel myself shrink inside because I remind myself that he is seeing someone else who could never be me (she’s gorgeous and probably fun and interesting and everything I couldn’t be for him I guess). Then I have to remind myself that I’m actually a great person, without getting to full of myself and keeping a humble sort of air about me. What I try very hard to remind myself is that he missed out on something great and I know there are people who would agree.
Anyways, that’s all I really needed to get off my chest for now.
-Panda